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Annoyed Texas comedian reads his HOA fine notice like it was written by William Faulkner

"They say my trash can lingers too long at the curb, lording like a broke cousin who don't know when to go home."

via Jerry Wayne Longmire (used with permission) and Canva/Photos

Jerry Wayne Longmire holding up a letter form his HOA.

America has a complicated relationship with HOAs, or homeowners’ associations. Eighteen percent of Americans, including 27% of homeowners, live in a community with an HOA; however, most of them don’t like it. Sixty-one percent of Americans say they’d rather live in a community without an HOA, and only 14% would prefer to live in one.

HOAs help people in planned communities maintain shared spaces, keep noise levels down, manage amenities such as swimming pools, and try to keep home values up by ensuring everyone maintains their property. But, to some, this feels like an extra layer of authority on top of the existing levels of government, which feels a bit overbearing.

Jerry Wayne Longmire, a former contractor turned stand-up comedian who lives in East Texas, received a letter from his HOA and pushed back against their authority in the most elegant and uniquely southern way possible. He responded with a social media post, written in the style of southern Gothic writer William Faulkner. Longmire is best known for his series of videos on Truck Astrology and his podcast, The Reckon Yard. He's also an avid reader who has been a lifelong fan of Faulkner's.

- YouTube youtu.be

Longmire’s eloquent letter is also hilarious with great lines such as:

“They say my trash can lingers too long at the curb, lording like a broke cousin who don't know when to go home. They call it unsightly, but I reckon a plastic bin scarred by sun and wind is no uglier than the souls who wrote this letter with clipboards for hearts.”

“They say my shutters are the wrong color, turquoise. Though to me, they are a hymn to the gulf where the water once baptized my boyhood. They demand beige, the color of cowardice.”

Longmire also had the Internet in stitches with a video where he responds to a nearly $700 electric bill like Faulkner. This time, unlike the HOA video, he puts the blame squarely on himself for tempting the gods to sleep in comfort in August.

@jerrywaynelongmire

Electric bill in the south #comedy #faulkner #electricbill #heat #airconditioning #texas #electricitybill #electricity

“Now I recall a time not too long ago, when a man could just sleep with just a fan on. Box fan in the window, sheets damp with his own resolve. But then came August. August, that devil and cargo shorts. She comes with air so thick you can taste the mosquitoes before they bite you. And I, a weak and weary creature, I touched the thermostat, dropped her down to 71. The sin of comfort,” Langmire says with dead seriousness. “Now I'm shackled, betrayed, and bound by wattage and poor choices. And yet I will do it again, for I have known the chill and I will not go back.”

Longmire does a great job at pointing out the rubs of modern life in America. We want quiet streets and some modicum of order, but really resent it when the judging eye of the HOA lands on property. We also want to sleep in comfort, but have to deal with the fact that electricity bills are only going up. You can’t beat the electric company or the HOA, but as long as guys like Longmire are around, at least we can have a good laugh about them.

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'Marriage only benefits men': Texas UPS driver gets real about why men aren't getting prenups

Who's taking the real risk here?

via Elvert Barnes/Flickr

A UPS driver on his phone.

It’s common to hear about a man who was well off while married but who, after a divorce, is financially struggling and blames his ex-wife and her lawyer for his lot in life. Abby Eckel, a popular content creator who discusses the inequities of domestic labor in relationships, asks why more men don’t get prenuptial agreements.

“Why aren't more men asking for prenups, or why aren't more men asking for postnups if they're under the belief that they will get taken for everything that they have in the event of a divorce?" she asked. “There's a 50% chance that you're gonna get a divorce. Why are you not asking for prenups and post-nups? I genuinely want to know what the reason is if you feel like you have so much to lose in the event of a divorce, why are you not protecting yourself?”

Why aren't men getting prenups?

@abbyeckel

I am genuinely asking. Why dont men ask for a prenuptial agreement before getting married? Lots of men have told me that there is no benefit to them in getting married, and that the risk is far greater in the event of a divorce. That they will be put into financial ruin in the event of a divorce, therefore getting married, simply isn’t worth it for them. So why aren’t more men asking for prenuptial agreements, or even post nuptial agreements, in order to protect themselves from said financial ruin? #divorce #marriage

The video caught the attention of J.R. Minton, a Dallas-area UPS driver and popular TikTok user with four kids and a stay-at-home wife who talks about family life. Minton flipped the script on Eckel’s question by revealing something that many men would have a hard time saying: most men aren’t successful until they get married and have the support of an amazing woman. Therefore, they didn't need a prenup when they got married.

“Men are more likely to be successful if they are married and women are more likely to be successful if they are single,” Minton said, before singing the praises of stay-at-home women.

Stay-at-home moms make a lot of sacrifices

“Whenever a child is born, a woman is typically the person that takes off time to take care of the child, and if there's a stay-at-home parent, most often it's going to be a mom. While some men like to say that that is a privilege for the woman, what it really is is a financial risk that the woman is taking, Minton said. “She is not furthering her career; she is dependent upon another person to be successful so that she can continue to take care of the children she's taking a financial risk for the sake of her family.”

On the other hand, because of the woman’s sacrifice, when she should be in the prime of her career, the man can thrive. He develops connections and skills and gets promotions, while she spends most of her time at home.

stay at home mom, sahm, laundry, upset woman, pile of clothes A stay-at-home mom can't stand the laundry. via Canva/Photos

A lot of the women in the comments loved Minton’s honesty. “This man needs protection at all costs....his honesty is brutal to men,” one woman wrote. “My husband flat out says that he wouldn't have made it as far in his career as he has without me sacrificing what I have to stay home with our kids,” another added.

Minton wasn’t wrong when he said that men experience a much larger boost in income when they become married than women do. That has a lot to do with the pressures of childbearing that overwhelmingly fall on women. That’s probably why 85% of all married people say they've never signed a prenup, but 56% of those who’ve signed one had a previous marriage.

“So how come men don't want a prenup for their marriage?” Minton concludes his response to Eckel’s question. “Most men don't have very much before they get married. They become successful after the marriage.”

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I had the sweetest moment with Dolly Parton when I was 6 years old. 40 years later, it happened again.

Hello, Dolly!

Images via Wikicommons and Cecily Knobler

Dolly Parton and Cecily Knobler

Sometimes, serendipity strikes like a tiny and beautiful lightning bolt.

Dolly Parton has been magnetic since she could walk. Already a proficient songwriter, she was singing on Tennessee radio shows as a child and even performed at the Grand Ole Opry at just 13. In 1967, she joined The Porter Wagoner Show, becoming a popular country duo with Wagoner himself.

After a few hits on her own, she was ready to spread her wings into a solo career. So, in hopes of giving it a little boost, she joined country legend Willie Nelson's tour in January of 1977. One of those shows was in Waco, Texas.

Willie Nelson, ticket, country station, country music, Dolly Parton The original concert ticket for Willie Nelson in WacoCecily Knobler, Canva

In that exact month, in that exact year, I was a precocious six-year-old with pigtails and thick Coke-bottle glasses, also living in Waco, Texas. My dad was the General Manager of an AM country station called K-K-I-K (K-Kick) at the time, and quite frequently, country stars would stop by to promote their new records, sign albums and headshots, and just overall meet the radio crew.

When Dolly came to the tiny station (which incidentally sat above the ballet studio where my mother taught and I danced), I happened to be there—probably in a leotard. My dad introduced us, and my heart thumped like a jackrabbit. I was already a fan, with "I Will Always Love You" (Dolly's original version, obviously) playing on repeat on a scratched-up 45.

I had never met anyone famous before, and Dolly—even then—glowed like a firecracker sizzling against a Texas sky. "Say hello, Cecily," my dad urged. "Hello, Dolly!" Her reply was as big as her hair: "You're just a little baby! Aren't you the cutest baby?" She hugged me like our lives depended on it, and I remember simply floating home. Even then, so young, I knew I had met not only a legend, but a really, really kind one.

The tour itself wasn't entirely successful for her. We went to the show at the Waco Convention Center, and unfortunately, the Willie and Dolly fans didn’t quite gel. I didn't pick up on it at the time, though; I was personally over the moon that she opened her set with "Jolene." But I do remember my parents discussing how scared she looked by the less-than-accepting crowd. (Over time, music journalists would write about it, but thankfully—Dolly and Willie remain friends.)

Willie Nelson, Country star, music, Dolly Parton, country music Willie Nelson strums his guitar. en.m.wikipedia.org

Almost exactly 42 years later, luck would strike again. In December of 2018, I was invited to a party at the Four Seasons Hotel to honor the 2018 film Dumplin’. Dolly just so happened to have written six original songs for the soundtrack, and Netflix was drumming up support for the upcoming "award season."

There were rumors she’d be there, but with busy schedules, one can never be totally sure. As I was drinking a glass of champagne and eating my fourth tuna tartare bite, there was suddenly a palpable buzz in the day-lit room. The cute out-of-work actors turned tray passers parted like it was the Red Sea. If this had been a movie, a golden light would have struck from the heavens as angels sang, "Hallelujah" because just like that—Dolly appeared.

The gravity around a star this bright causes whatever room they enter to fold in on itself. Dolly was no exception! People abandoned their drinks and boring conversations and zoomed quickly in her direction. It actually got a little dangerous, as there were many elderly women on rhinestone-encrusted scooters zipping furiously to get their moment in the sun.

Dolly Parton, dancing, rhinestones, Seth Meyers, Dolly Dolly dancing on Late Night with Seth Meyers Giphy, NBC

Luckily, I can outrun a rhinestone-encrusted scooter. I pushed my way through (gently, of course), elbowed a couple of publicists, and found myself once again, face-to-face with Ms. Parton. Remembering my dad’s prompting, I enthusiastically said, "Hello, Dolly!" This time I added, "You couldn’t possibly remember this. But I met you at a country station in Waco back in the late ’70s. You told me I was the ‘cutest baby!’"

Almost as if she were living her lyrics from "Here You Come Again." she smiled that smile. Her bluish-green eyes glistened as she patted me on the arm. "Well I do remember! And you're still the cutest baby!"

- Dolly Parton sings "Here You Come Again" www.youtube.com, Dolly Parton YouTube page, Vevo

That’s just like Dolly— o make me feel like a million bucks in first grade and then again in my 40s. We had time for a quick photo snap before she was whisked away by a male Dolly impersonator wearing a white pantsuit.

That serendipitous lightning bolt sure did strike again. Only this time, it had rhinestones on it.

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Teacher jokingly tells 10-year-old going on a trip to England to 'find Duran Duran'—and so she kind of does.

And just like that, Simon LeBon appeared in the doorway.

Wikicommons and lakehighlandsadvocate IG

Duran Duran lead singer Simon LeBon poses with a young fan

Imagine this: you're a fourth grade language arts teacher in Dallas, and like many Gen X-ers, your obsession with Duran Duran never waned. So much so that you still have dolls of each member of the band in the classroom and, according to Austin Wood's article for the Lake Highlands Advocate, even an old telephone in case (lead singer) "Simon LeBon calls."

This describes Miriam Osborne, a fourth grade teacher at White Rock Elementary in the Lake Highlands district of Dallas, Texas. Wood shares in "White Rock E.S. student, inspired by teacher, meets Simon LeBon" that one of Osborne's students, 10-year-old Ava Meyers, was getting an early pickup for Christmas break, as her family was heading to the U.K. for a holiday wedding. As they were saying their goodbyes in the hallway, Osborne kiddingly said to Meyers, "Find Duran Duran."

gif of Duran Duran performing Duran Duran 80S GIFGiphy


Cut to: Ava and her family, including her mom Zahara, fly across the pond to find themselves in the Putney neighborhood of London. After a day of sightseeing, Zahara shares, "I was just Googling things to do in Putney, and the first thing that popped up was 'Simon Le Bon lives in Putney from Duran Duran.'”

Zahara did a little sleuthing and found Simon's house, thinking perhaps a Christmas stroll by the home would be exciting. But, according to the article, Ava felt they could do better. She and "an 83-year-old relative named Nick, who apparently has courage in droves, went to the door and tried a knock. Zahara was initially hesitant but assumed Le Bon would be away on vacation, so she figured it was harmless. Le Bon’s son-in-law answered, his wife came to the door next, and following a few moments of getting pitched the idea by Nick, agreed to get her husband 'because it was Christmas.'"

And just like that, Simon LeBon appeared in the doorway. He warmly greeted Ava and her family and even took pictures. "It was just crazy," Ava exclaimed.

But possibly more excited was Miriam Osborne, back in the States. She proudly shared the photo (which had been texted to her) with many of her friends and even encouraged Ava to recount the story to her classmates when they returned from the break. Wood shares, "Osborne’s connection to the band goes back to her childhood in El Paso in the ’80s. As the daughter of a Syrian immigrant, she says she had trouble fitting in and finding an identity. Some days, she and her brothers would travel across town to get records from a British record store."

Miriam explains she used her babysitting money to buy her first Duran Duran record. "And so I had been a fan, literally, for 43 years—my entire lifetime."

gif of Simon LeBon Duran Duran GIFGiphy

Osborne's love of Duran Duran, and many '80s bands in general, nostalgically connects her to a throughline for her life that she tries to impart onto the students as well. "Music is a connector, and it connected me to a world that I didn’t always fit in as a child. It helped me find people who I still love to this day, and it’s a big part of this classroom with me and the students I teach, because everybody has a story, and there’s something really incredible about hearing something and it taking you to a happy moment."

As for Ava? She's now taking guitar lessons. And perhaps one day, she can become so famous and inspirational, a teacher sends a student off to find her on a Christmas vacation in the future.

This article originally appeared in March.

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