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Dad perfectly explains why he wants his kids' teenage friends to hang out at his house

'Be that house!'

Photo by LaShawn Dobbs on Unsplash
a group of people sitting on a swing

Every group of teenage friends usually has that one house with the “cool parents” where everyone can hang out. It’s usually a place where there isn’t much judgment but plenty of snacks and a teen-friendly place to hang like a garage, living room or basement.

There are two types of parents who don’t mind having teens over all the time. One type allows the kids to drink and party because, “you’re gonna do it anyway, might as well do it here.” The other kind likes having kids around so they can be sure they don’t get into that type of trouble.

Jeremy Serrano, a Lutheran pastor in Northern California who has three children ages 12, 15 and 17, recently went viral on TikTok for explaining why parents should strive to “Be that house!” where kids hang out.

@jeremypserrano

Be that house! #parenting #parentsoftiktok #progressiveclergy

"I was talking to another parent the other day and they asked me, 'Why do you always have teenagers over at your house?'" Serrano said on TikTok. "One of the things that we've worked really hard on is being the house that the teenage friends of my children want to hang out at."

The Serrano house is a teenagers’ paradise. It’s stocked with snacks and has an ax-throwing target, basketball hoop and trampoline.

"My wife and I, we intentionally ask our children's friends what kind of food and drinks they like and then we make sure that we have those things on hand for them," he said in the video.

"It's just one of the best things that we've ever done," added Serrano. "Because we get to know our kids' friends and then we know that they're hanging out here."

The house may be a place where kids can let loose, but there’s no illicit partying happening. "We have boundaries and don't allow that here," he told Today. "In fact, I'd lose credibility with my children by not providing boundaries."

The TikTok post received a lot of positive comments from people who loved growing up in “that house.”

"My mother law told me once… food, drinks, and activities will always be cheaper than lawyers, legal fees, and therapists," anmccoy74 wrote. "This was my house growing up and my mom said that when I went away to college she lost not just one son but more like 5 sons," Gridpod added.

"I've always said I want to be the house the kids go hang out at so I can be a trusted place for them but most importantly my kids tell me their lives," Addie Davis wrote.

Serrano told Today that the teens are comfortable coming to him for advice because of the open environment he’s created. "I was really honored that my children pointed their friends to me—the first time it happened I was like, 'Whoa that is a big deal,'" he said. "My rule is, they can share our conversations with anyone they want, but I won't. If their parents ask if we've talked, I won't lie, but I'll point them back to their children."

After his post went viral, the pastor posted a subsequent video where he shared some tips on how to create “that house.”

@jeremypserrano

Replying to @moeffinmary tip#1 be a non judgmental presence. #parenting #parentingtips

"I think the number one way to be ‘that house’ is to be parents that provide a non-judgmental presence and non-judgmental listening to your kids' friends,” Serrano said.

He added that it’s important to "really get to know their sides of things. To really try to understand how they're feeling in response to situations.” Serrano says parents shouldn’t think of what the teens are saying as “good or bad” but just to “be there and listen to them."

In the end, having “that house” is all about creating a great environment for the entire family. "We get to be involved in our children's lives," he says. "And provide a safe space among chaos in the world."


This article originally appeared on 1.4.23

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Motherhood

Therapist explains phenomenon of mother's feeling ‘touched out’ and shares tips to help

“You’re not a monster.”

Photo by Gustavo Fring|Canva

Therapists explains being 'touched out' and gives tips to help

Just about every mother has experienced the feeling of being touched out. They may not know that's what it's called, or some may feel embarrassed to admit they're feeling that way due to fear of judgement. But when you think about it, being touched out, especially when you have younger kids seems inevitable.

The sense of your body not belonging to only you can start during pregnancy. Everything you do directly affects your developing fetus, and once the baby is born, it needs a lot of physical contact for proper brain, social, and emotional development. So babies are held a lot outside of feedings. Those babies turn into toddlers who then turn into early school agers, all of whom rely very heavily on co-regulation of their emotions and being physically near their parent to feel safe.

It's pretty much a constant state of being touched throughout much of the day. When psychologist, Dr. Raquel Martin reveals she too feels touched out in a video on Instagram, parents across the internet felt validated.

"Are you a mom who feels as though you are a monster because every time your child touches you, you want to crawl out of your skin? Well, this message is for you," Martin opens the video. "I'm a licensed clinical psychologist, professor and scientist, and I'm here to tell you that you are likely experiencing feeling 'touched out.' Being touched out is incredibly normal."

The psychologist explains that people don't often talk about how much autonomy you lose when you become a parent. Being touched all the time, while being responsible for all other things that come along with parenting can cause parents to experience sensory overload. Martin reveals that when she's feeling touched out, that it can sometimes feel like she wants to, "rip my face off."

As you can see from the video, her face is still very much in tact. Maybe it has something to do with the tips she gives parents in the video and caption.

"1. Prevention is Key: Don’t wait until you’re running on empty. Keep your tank at least half-full by recognizing early signs of sensory overload.

2. Recognize Your Signs: Be aware of your personal indicators, like skin crawling, frustration, or irritability.

3. Incorporate Personal Space: Make intentional space in your routine, especially when support is available, to engage in activities that don’t require “parent brain.”

4. Solo Time vs. Social Time: Decide what rejuvenates you more - quiet alone time or catching up with friends.

5. Communicate Your Needs: Educate your partner or support system about what you’re experiencing and how they can help."

Parents in the comments were thankful for the message of support and validation.

"The way this entire message validated my spirit! Whew Chile! Thank you," one person says.

"Omg. I'm just so used to putting up with it if I don't have my hubby to tag me out. Thank you for the tips to help for when I don't have support available," someone else writes.

"I have never felt more seen or understood as I did watching this video. Thank you for sharing your experience and feelings, and for validating my own. You continue to inspire," another commenter reveals.

The validation and tips are extremely helpful in normalizing the feeling. Hopefully other parents find the video helpful in knowing what to do when feeling touched out.

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Family

Mindfulness teacher shares the '7 things adult children may need to hear’ from their parents

We rarely hear this perspective.

via PeacefulBarb/TikTok

PeacefulBarb's "7 Things Adult Children May Need to Hear"

Just like there are no hard-set rules for raising children, there is no perfect guidebook on how to be a supportive parent to an older child. As parents watch their kids grow and start their own families, it can be hard for them to navigate the new role they have in their lives.

That’s why Barb Schmidt, who goes by PeacefulBarb on TikTok, shared her list of the ‘7 Things Adult Children May Need to Hear’ from their parents. It’s a great starting point for parents who aren’t sure what their older children need.

Schmidt is an international best-selling author, sought-after motivational speaker, mindset coach and mindfulness teacher.

Here’s her list:

​I'm so proud to be your parent.

I'm sorry for any parenting choices I made that hurt you.

I'm here to listen if you want to tell me about it.

You are incredibly precious to me.

I will always love you no matter what.

My life changed for the better because you are in it.

Your worth is not determined by your productivity, job title, or your relationship status.

Tell me about your hopes and dreams for your life. I want to know more about what matters to you.

@peacefulbarb

What's something you wish a parental figure would say to you now that you're an adult?🤔 📝Let me know below… #innerchildhealing #vlog #gentlereminder #awareness #lifeadvice #fyp #communication #innerchildhealingjourney

The post struck a nerve with many who wished their parents knew how to express their support in a healthy way.

"I’m desperately trying to make my mother understand that this is what I need to hear from her. But she doesn’t get it," Clelia wrote.

"This makes me a bit teary because yes, I absolutely want to hear those things and have my parent mean them," Han wrote.

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'Parenting Whisperer' shares why it's better to teach kids resiliency than to focus on happiness

Resilience is a powerful skill.

via Hunter Johnson/Unsplash

He looks dejected, but he'll pull through.

A passage from a new book by Dr. Becky Kennedy makes a strong case for parents to focus more on raising resilient kids than happy ones. The excerpt from “GOOD INSIDE: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be” by Dr. Kennedy was published by Big Think.

Dr. Kennedy is a clinical psychologist, bestselling author and mom of three named "The Millennial Parenting Whisperer" by TIME magazine.

Everyone wants their children to be happy, but Dr. Kennedy argues that the path to that ultimate goal lies in addressing the root cause of unhappiness. When a child doesn't have the skills to cope with everyday feelings such as disappointment, frustration, envy and sadness, it will interfere with their ability to cultivate happiness. However, If we teach children how to regulate their emotional states, they will be able to develop the peace of mind necessary to be happy.

It’s like the old adage says: “Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach him to fish, and he’ll eat forever.”



“What do we really mean when we say, ‘I just want my kids to be happy’? What are we talking about when we say, ‘Cheer up!’ or ‘You have so much to be happy about!’ or “Why can’t you just be happy?’” Kennedy asks.

“I, for one, don’t think we’re talking about cultivating happiness as much as we’re talking about avoiding fear and distress,” Kennedy continues. “Because when we focus on happiness, we ignore all the other emotions that will inevitably come up throughout our kids’ lives, which means we aren’t teaching them how to cope with those emotions.”

Kennedy believes that focusing on happiness instead of the underlying conditions that create it is like putting a bandaid over the problem.

“For me, happiness is much less compelling than resilience,” Kennedy writes. “After all, cultivating happiness is dependent on regulating distress. We have to feel safe before we can feel happy. Why do we have to learn to regulate the tough stuff first? Why can’t happiness just ‘win’ and ‘beat’ all other emotions? That certainly would be easier!”

So how does one raise an emotionally resilient child?

Kenneth Barish, Ph.D., Clinical Professor of Psychology at Weill Cornell Medical College, told PBS that parents build their child’s resilience by having a 10-minute discussion with them every night at bedtime.

“In these brief daily conversations, we should ask kids if there is something they might want to talk about—perhaps a problem at school or with friends, something they are angry with us about, or what they may be anxious about the following day,” Barish writes.

“Parents should listen to the child’s recount of the day without judgment and let them know that they have had the same experiences, too. “We can say, for example, ‘Yes, I know, it feels really bad when other kids won’t let you play…I also felt bad and angry when those kinds of things happened to me.’ Many children will respond to these statements with astonishment,” Barish writes.

This parent-child discussion can help children put their disappointments in perspective and learn that everyone has struggles. The key is developing the skills to overcome them.

“Resilience is not a static character trait that children possess or lack; it’s a skill that can be cultivated, and one that, hopefully, parents help instill in their kids from a young age,” Kennedy writes. “Because we can’t always change the stressors around us, but we can always work on our ability to access resilience.”

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