Upworthy's book GOOD PEOPLE, now available - take a look!

Shop
 Explore 

families

Joy

Meet a mom who takes care of people's babies while they make huge parenting decisions.

This is what it's like to be an 'interim parent.'

Photo by Stacey Natal/Total City Girl used with permission.

Jillian, “...my heart skips a beat."

I'm trying desperately to be respectful of the person speaking to me, but my husband keeps texting me.

First he sends me a selfie of him with Rafi*, then it's an account of who stopped him on his way into the NICU.

Then, he suggests I take a selfie with Jillian* so he can post them side-by-side on Facebook and boast that we finally have two babies.

People will ask if they're twins, I'm sure. But they're not twins. In fact, the babies aren't even ours.

James' dream come true: Two babies! Rafi in the NICU with Tatte, Jillian at home with Eema.

Photo by Ann Lapin, used with permission.

I take care of these babies because I'm what's known as an "interim parent."

Two young girls with a laptop, bottles, and a baby.

Over the past four years, my family has cared for 22 newborns.

Photo by Ann Lapin, used with permission.

The program I'm part of is rare; there are very few like it in the United States.

While the babies are in my care, the birth parents retain their legal rights as parents and are encouraged to visit their babies (if that's something they would like).

My three kids with our baby before he meets his forever mommy.

Photo by Ann Lapin, used with permission.

If they weren't in the care of interim moms like me, these tiny babies might wait in the hospital a few extra days while their adoptions are finalized—or they might enter the foster care system.

In New York and most states, biological parents have 30 days after adoption proceedings begin to change their minds about their placement plan.

I became an interim parent when a local mom posted about it on our neighborhood Yahoo! group.

"That! THAT I can do!" I thought, as I looked at the computer screen.

I was thrilled. I felt incapable of doing other types of volunteer work, but I felt like I had finally found a community service that I could perform. So, my husband and I applied. And after months of doctor appointments, background checks, interviews, and letters of reference from close friends, we were accepted.

Woman with three children pushes an empty a stroller

We left the adoption agency with an empty stroller — but it didn't stay that way for long!

Photo by Stacey Natal/ Total City Girl, used with permission.

The hope with the interim boarding care program is that biological parents have time to gain clarity about their decisions without pressure.

It also helps adoptive parents feel secure in their status as parents.

The children don't usually get the chance to be present when one of our babies goes home, so this was a special day. Roughly 30% of the babies I've cared for have returned to their biological parents after their stay with me, and the rest have been adopted. Many of the birth mothers I've known have pursued open adoptions, selecting and meeting their child's forever families.

People often ask me what the experience of interim parenting is like, but there's no rule: Each case is different.

Babies stay with us, on average, for a few weeks. But one baby stayed with us with five days, another for nine and a half weeks.

Whatever the scenario, my family and I are available to care for these babies until they go home ... wherever "home" may be.

This work can be emotionally challenging, too.

Photo by Stacey Natal/Total City Girl used with permission.

This work can be emotionally challenging, too. Some biological parents do not interact with us at all while they're making big decisions, and some end up being very involved. Some text regularly, requesting photos and updates on the baby while the baby is in our care. Sometimes they schedule weekly visits with the babies. One birth mom became such a constant in our life that my son asked if we could bake her cookies.

I am often blown away by the biological parents' gratitude.

Melody* was one of the most beautiful babies I'd ever cared for, and I met her parents a couple of times. When they came to take her home, it was as though she was the only one in the room. When they thanked me for taking care of her, my lip started to quiver.

I had also never met Jibraan's dad, either, when I placed him in his arms the day they went home together. "From the bottom of my heart ... I can't tell you what you've done for me," he said. I remember that he towered over me, the size of a linebacker, clenching his jaw to keep the tears from spilling down his cheeks.

Big smiles and on the phone.

Photo by Stacey Natal/Total City Girl, used with permission.

When I wave goodbye to the social workers at the agency after introducing each baby to their forever family, I always wonder how long it will be before I get to hold another baby.

I don't get attached to each baby, per se. But I get attached to having a baby, to taking care of a baby. I resent my empty arms, and I feel like I've lost my purpose. So each time I see the adoption agency's phone number pop up on caller ID, my heart skips a beat.

When the voice on the other end says, "Hi, Ann ... are you ready to take another baby?" my first thought is, "Baby! I'm getting a BABY!" That excitement lasts for at least 48 hours.

But even as the adrenaline calms down and the sleepless nights begin to take their toll, the experience of caring for each baby proves to be more than enough motivation for me to keep going.

The emotions that swell when my babies go home with any parent—their adoptive parents or their birth parents—are not just because of the emptiness I feel in my arms or even because of the happiness I have for my babies and their families.

The emotions I feel are because of the fullness in my heart and the gratitude I have for being a part of each of these babies' stories, even if it's just for a moment.

This article was written by Ann Lapin and originally appeared nine years ago.

From Your Site Articles

Pets

Five reasons rabbits make the best indoor pets

They do cute things with cute names, like "zoomies," "binkies" and "flops."

Photo by William Daigneault

Bunnies make amazing indoor pets.

Our family has gone through a passel of pets while raising our kids.

We started with a goldfish named Princess (who lived a surprisingly long life for a feeder fish we got at a festival). We've had several pairs of fancy rats, which really do make sweet, personable pets. We got our first cat when we moved to a place that allowed them, which as a lifelong cat person I was excited about. Then added a feline friend for him a couple of years later.

Finally, several years ago, two of our kids got rabbits. And honestly? If we had known how awesome bunnies can be as indoor pets, we would have skipped the fish and the rats—maybe even the cats—and never looked back.

The fish was interesting to look at. The rats were sweet and cute. (If you've never seen a pet rat wash its face or eat a Cheerio, you're missing out.) Rats themselves are clean, but their cages get smelly pretty fast. The cats are great—again, always been a cat person—but ours are indoor only and the catbox situation is … less than desirable. They've also destroyed several pieces of furniture with their claws. Good thing they're so entertaining and lovable.

But the rabbits have surprised me by having a leg up on all the other pets we've had. Here's why:

1. They can be litterbox trained—and it's way less stinky than a cat's litterbox.

Photo by Li Yan on Unsplash

I had no idea that rabbits could be litter trained.

Rats can allegedly be litter trained as well, but we never had any luck with that with any of our pet rats. And cats are easy to litter train, of course, but cat pee and poo are smelly. It takes super expensive litter to cover cat pee ammonia smell, and if a kid waits too long to change the litter it's … noticeable.

Rabbit pee doesn't stink. I don't know how, but it doesn't. It barely has much of a smell at all, and the smell is just sort of "earthy." Same with rabbit poop. It's basically just digested hay, and it's little dry-ish pellets that pick up easily. We often joke that it's like picking up a Cocoa Puff, not that we have to pick up a lot of it because they generally keep it all inside their litterboxes.

It took less than a week for each of our rabbits to start using their litterboxes consistently. And their "litter" is just paper. Super easy to clean out their boxes, and again, super not smelly.

2. They're adorable and unbelievably soft.

Photo by Степан Галагаев on Unsplash

Bunny fur is so soft it's unreal. The only thing I've ever felt that was softer was chinchilla fur. They do shed sometimes, so there's a vacuuming element to having rabbits, much like there is with cats and dogs. Totally worth it, though.

There are a bazillion different rabbit breeds out there, with different-sized bodies, different fur types, different ear types and so on. But most of them are so darn cute. The way they twitch their little noses all the time? Precious. Their little bunny butts with their little bunny tails? Forget about it. I thought watching a rat wash its face was cute, but bunny face and ear washing is even better.

And eating lettuce? The little crunchy-munchy sounds they make? Gracious.

The number of "Awwww, he's so cuuuute!" around here rivals when we had a newborn baby.

3. They do cute things with cute names like zoomies, binkies and flops.

Not only do rabbits do the cutest things, but the cute things they do also have the cutest names, such a:

Zoomies: When a rabbit gets a sudden burst of energy and starts racing around the room, it's called a "zoomy."

Binkies: When rabbits are happy, they'll do a sudden, twitchy jump for joy, where they leap up in the air and sort of shimmy their body really fast. It's my favorite thing. They do it out of nowhere, like their joy just overtakes them all of a sudden and they can't help themselves. (Watch some bunny binkying above and witness the cuteness.)

Flops: When rabbits feel safe and content, they just flop over onto their side. Again, out of nowhere. You might almost think they fainted or died, but no, they just "flopped."

I genuinely had no idea rabbits had such personalities. I'd only ever seen them in hutches or cages just sort of laying around, but when they are able to roam around, they're delightfully entertaining.

4. They can be surprisingly smart—and fearless.

Photo by William Daigneault on Unsplash

Wild rabbits are skitterish, so I expected our pet rabbits to be similar. Nope. Our bunnies can get spooked by loud noises, but they're not at all afraid of people. They're not even afraid of our cats. They'll run right up to people and constantly try to get the cats to play with them. It's hilarious.

And maybe it's just our rabbits, but they're surprisingly smart. My son's rabbit kept getting out of his enclosure, and it took us a while to figure out how he did it because he'd only do it when no one was in the room.

You can also train them to do little tricks, like running around in a circle or jumping through a hoop. My kids have trained the rabbits to jump over their legs when they're sitting, and all my daughter has to do is flick her finger and her rabbit will spin around for a treat.

5. They're pretty low-maintenance as furry pets go.

Photo by Aneta Voborilova on Unsplash

I don't want to oversimplify what it takes to have a bunny as a pet, and there are some downsides I'll share in a moment. But as far as loveable, furry creatures go, rabbits are pretty low-maintenance. They eat hay and food pellets and fresh vegetables, they drink water either from a bowl or a water dispenser, and they need things they can chew on. There aren't vaccines for pet rabbits in the U.S., so no need to keep up with those. They need their claws trimmed once in a while. And that's about it.

So what are the downsides?

Chewing. The main downside with our two bunnies is that one of them is a major chewer. All rabbits like to chew, but if you give them enough things that are safe for them to chew on, they're less likely to chew things you don't want them to. But rabbit teeth are like razors and our chewer is particularly partial to cords—phone chargers, lamp cords, any type of cord really. He somehow manages to chew through pet-proof cord protectors as well, so he doesn't get to roam around freely without a close watch on him like our other rabbit does.

Space is another issue if you can't let them roam freely. Creating an enclosure large enough for them to run around in requires space that not everyone has. Our "free-roaming" bunny doesn't even have a cage—he just roams around my daughter's room and has a little linoleumed area where his litter box and food go. (Unlike cats, rabbits actually like to have their food near their litterboxes.) Like all animals, rabbits need exercise to stay healthy so it's not great for them to stay in small hutches or cages all the time.

Finally, as the Humane Society of the United States points out, they're not great for families with very young children. I'd wait until kids are old enough to understand how to handle them gently (they are more delicate than cats or dogs) and not make a lot of startling noises around them.

That's really about it. As I said, if I had known the cost-benefit ratio of having rabbits as indoor pets, we would have started the kids off with them as pets from the get-go. In some ways, they're even preferable to the cats—and coming from a lifelong cat person, that's really saying something.

This article originally appeared on 3.17.22

From Your Site Articles

Parenting

Make every family dinner count with these expert-backed tips for deeper connection

From “rose, thorn, bud” to tech-free nights, here’s how to make mealtimes more meaningful

August de Richelieu

Family dinners can be low key, fun, and crucial.

Experts agree that shared meals can strengthen bonds, build resilience, and support emotional well-being. While sitting down together might seem ordinary, it’s packed with benefits. Dr. Amir A. Afkhami, a psychiatrist and professor at the George Washington University Milken Institute School of Public Health, explains that family dinners provide a crucial opportunity to communicate openly. “Family dinners allow family members to share their experiences, reinforcing relationships and family bonds,” Dr. Afkhami tells Yahoo Life.

But sometimes, getting the conversation going at the end of an exhausting day can be like pulling teeth, and competing with devices only makes it more challenging. It's easy to give up, launch a delivery app, have some food sent to your door, and let everyone scarf it down while watching the binge-able show of the moment. Don't give in to that temptation! With a few intentional strategies, you can transform mealtime into an opportunity for genuine connection. We've collected tips to make family dinners meaningful—even when life gets busy.

via GIPHY

1. Create an inclusive, judgment-free atmosphere

Family dinners work best when everyone feels free to speak and knows they’ll be heard. Dr. Anne Fishel, co-founder of The Family Dinner Project, encourages parents to ensure everyone gets a turn to talk and feels listened to without interruption. If you want to start meaningful conversations, try the “rose, thorn, and bud” game. Each person shares a “rose” (something good about their day), a “thorn” (a challenge they faced), and a “bud” (something they’re looking forward to). This exercise can help everyone feel seen and can add a positive, reflective tone to the evening.

Another tip is to give each family member a small role, like helping set the table or sharing something they’re grateful for. Montana State University’s guide on family meals suggests encouraging children to get involved in mealtime, such as setting the table or helping with a simple dish. These small roles can give children a sense of ownership and pride in family rituals.

2. Keep technology off the table

Unplugging is one of the simplest, most effective ways to foster real connection. According to The Family Dinner Project, phones and screens can often steal attention and dilute the experience. Instead, set clear tech boundaries—try turning off the TV and putting phones in another room. As Montana State University recommends, “Turn off the TV and encourage family members to star in their own lives” by focusing fully on each other.

"Turn off the TV and encourage family members to star in their own lives."
— Montana State University

3. Don’t stress over perfection

For some families, the idea of regular family dinners might feel like an overwhelming commitment. Fishel stresses that the “exact number of meals is less important than the atmosphere at the table.” Even one good family meal a week can offer emotional benefits. The Harvard Graduate School of Education echoes this, suggesting that families find one meal—be it breakfast, lunch, or even an after-school snack—that they can make a ritual together.

via GIPHY

And it doesn’t need to be a gourmet affair. Quick meals like sandwiches or leftovers can work just as well if everyone is gathered and present.

4. Share stories and create family traditions

Using family dinners as a way to pass down family history, recipes, or favorite stories can add a sense of continuity and heritage to the meal. According to Purdue University’s Family Dinner Project, regular meals offer a unique opportunity to build family traditions that give children a sense of identity and belonging. Whether it’s a weekly taco night or a shared family recipe, these routines become cherished memories and offer comfort in daily life.

via GIPHY

Why even a little connection goes a long way

No matter how busy schedules may be, finding small ways to connect—whether over a quick dinner or a morning snack—can make a meaningful impact on family bonds. Experts agree that these shared meals don’t have to be daily or lengthy to be effective. Even setting aside one time a week for everyone to gather without distractions can build a sense of togetherness that’s invaluable. As Dr. Fishel explains, the benefits of a single, joyful family meal each week often lead to more shared time together.

Family dinners aren’t just about the food—they’re about showing up and making memories that can shape families for years to come.

From Your Site Articles

family dinner

Family

'Best day of your life': Great-grandmother has some unforgettable advice for young parents

You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.

Photo credit: Canva

A mother stressed out in the kitchen.

It’s interesting to think about the moments that will stick out to us as the best when we reach the end of our lives. Will it be the dramatic events such as having a child or graduating college? Will it be the day we met our spouse or that incredible concert you saw on a warm summer night in your 30s?

Will it be the day you got a job promotion or your first apartment? Will the best times be in a specific decade—your teens, 50s, or even 70s?

Torchy Swinson, an 84-year-old great-grandmother of 6, grandmother of 5, and mother of 3, believes the best days of your life may be happening right now, but you may not realize it. They may even be the ones you forget.

Swinson shared her thoughts on the best days of a parent’s life in a TikTok post that has received over 240,000 views.

@torchyswinson2
#youngmothers

“I just want to tell you something,” she said, looking straight into the camera. “It's six o'clock. You're in the kitchen, you're making Hamburger Helper. Your husband just got home from work, you hear him in the living room with the kids. They're playing, laughing, they're giggling. It makes your heart feel good.”

“You don't know it yet, but this just might be one of the best days of your life,” she continued.

When are the best days of your life?

To Swinson, the best days of your life are those that, at the time, you may feel are ordinary—when you are spending time with your loved ones. But the thing is, they really aren’t that ordinary. An 84-year-old woman may only have her child living with her for a quarter or less of her life. And during the later years, the child is mostly gone.

Swinson lost her husband 5 years ago and she’d probably do anything to have him back in her life. So, if we think about it, ordinary days are really quite spectacular. The post received over 750 comments, many of which were from people who were thankful for the reminder to embrace our everyday lives.

"You are so right; ordinary days are truly the best. I love the. More than big events,” Jill wrote. "We don’t even realize it, do we," Deb added. Brooke shared that her mother gave her the same advice: "My mom tells me this all the time. I embrace the craziness and the messiness. Great wisdom."

"As a kid, when my mom was making the Hamburger Helper, I didn’t realize those were some of the best days ever,” Nick recalled.

How much time do people spend with their kids throughout their lives?

A widely circulated but hard-to-document statistic going viral across social media states that 75% of the time we spend with our children is over by the age of 12. Further, by age 18, we will have spent 90% of the time we will ever have with our children.

@beneaththesheetz
Data says that 75% of the time you will ever spend with your child is complete by the time they reach 12 years old. And by the time they turn 18…90%. Would love to hear what y’all do in your homes 👇🏽 #smartphones #socialmedia #mentalhealth #parenting #childrenfirst

Whether the stat is 100% correct or not doesn’t matter. The critical fact is that our time with our kids is limited and we will see them less and less once they become teenagers. One day, they will leave the house and possibly start a family. By the time we reach Swinson’s age, there probably isn’t anything she wouldn’t trade for having one more summer’s day in the yard blowing bubbles for her kids or sitting down to have dinner and asking them what they did at school.

Even if they’re typical kids and probably won’t remember what they did in school.

So, thank you, Mr. Swinson, for sharing some perspective you can only have in your 80s. Hopefully, it will provide some solace to stressed-out parents, help them appreciate the messiness of parenthood, and remind them to be extra present with their kids whenever possible.

From Your Site Articles

parenthood

Family

What to do when you're the child of an alcoholic

My dad was an addict, and growing up with him taught me a lot.

Photo with permission from writer Ashley Tieperman.

Ashley Tieperman and her father.

There was never just one moment in my family when we “found out" that my dad was an addict.

I think I always knew, but I never saw him actually drinking. Usually, he downed a fifth of vodka before he came home from work or hid tiny bottles in the garage and bathroom cabinets.

My name is Ashley, and I am the child of an addict. As a kid, I cried when our family dinner reservation shrunk from four to three after a man with glassy eyes stumbled through the door. I didn't guzzle the vodka, but I felt the heartbreak of missed birthdays. I feel like I should weigh 500 pounds from all the “I'm sorry" chocolate donuts. I had to grow up quicker, but it made me into the person I am today.

addiction, coping, 12 step programs, recovery

Me and my dad.

Photo with permission from writer Ashley Tieperman.

I spent many years shouting into journals about why this was happening to me. But this is the thing that no one will tell you about loving someone who has an addiction: it will force you to see the world through different eyes.

Here are some things I've learned:

1. When your family's yelling about burnt toast, they're probably also yelling about something else.

My family yelled about everything — and nothing — to avoid the messy stuff. We all handled my dad's addiction differently. My brother devoured sports. My mom took bubble baths. I slammed doors and slammed boyfriends for not understanding my family's secrets.

Regardless of the preferred coping mechanism, everyone feels pain differently.

2. Your "knight in shining armor" can't fix this.

Boyfriends became my great escape when I was young. But when I expected them to rescue me from the pain I grew up with, it never worked out. No matter how strapping they looked galloping in on those white horses, they couldn't save me or fix anything.

In the end, I realized that I had to find healing on my own before I could build a strong relationship.

3. “Don't tell anyone" is a normal phase.

When my dad punched holes in the wall, my mom covered them up with artwork. I wanted to rip the artwork down to expose all the holes, especially as a bratty teenager. But eventually I realized that it wasn't my choice. My parents had bills to pay and jobs to keep. I've learned it's common to cover up for dysfunction in your family, especially when it feels like the world expects perfection.

4. Friends probably won't get it, but you'll need them anyway.

Bulldozed by broken promises, I remember collapsing on a friend's couch from the crippling pain of unmet expectations. I hyperventilated. Things felt uncontrollable and hopeless. My friend rubbed my back and just listened.

These are the kinds of friends I will keep forever, the ones who crawled down into the dark places with me and didn't make me get back up until I was ready.

5. You can't fix addiction, but you can help.

When I was a teenager, I called a family meeting. I started by playing a Switchfoot song: “This is your life. Are you who you want to be?"

Let's skip to the punchline: It didn't work.

It wasn't just me. Nothing anyone did worked. My dad had to lose a lot — mostly himself — before he hit that place they call “rock bottom." And, in all honesty, I hate that label because “rock bottom" isn't just a one-and-done kind of place.

What can you do while you wait for someone to actually want to get help? Sometimes, you just wait. And you hope. And you pray. And you love. And you mostly just wait.

6. Recovery is awkward.

When a counselor gave me scripted lines to follow if my dad relapsed, I wanted to shred those “1-2-3 easy steps" into a million pieces.

For me, there was nothing easy about my dad's recovery. My whole family had to learn steps to a new dance when my dad went into recovery. The healing dance felt like shuffling and awkwardly stepping on toes. It was uncomfortable; new words, like trust and respect, take time to sink in. And that awkwardness is also OK.

7. I still can't talk about addiction in the past tense.

Nothing about an addict's life happens linearly. I learned that early on. My dad cycled through 12-step programs again and again, to the point where I just wanted to hurl whenever anyone tried to talk about it. And then we finally reached a point where it felt like recovery stuck.

But even now, I'll never say, “My dad used to deal with addiction." My whole family continues to wrestle with the highs and lows of life with an addict every single day.

8. Happy hours and wedding receptions aren't easy to attend.

My family will also probably never clink glasses of red wine or stock the fridge full of beer. I'm convinced happy hours and wedding receptions will get easier, but they might not. People get offended when my dad orders a Diet Coke instead of their fine whisky.

Plus, there's the paranoia factor. Surrounded by flowing liquor, I hate watching my dad crawl out of his skin, tempted to look “normal" and tackle small talk with people we barely know. I've learned that this fear will probably last for a while, and it's because I care.

9. If you close your eyes, the world doesn't just “get prettier."

With constant fear of the unknown, sometimes our world is not a pretty place. I remember watching the breaking news on 9/11 and feeling the terror of the planes crashing into the Twin Towers as if I was there.

My dad numbed the anxiety of these dark days with vodka, but this didn't paint a prettier world for him when he woke up the next day. I've dealt with the fear of the unknown with the help of boys, booze, and bad dancing on pool tables. Life hurts for everyone, and I think we all have to decide how we're going to handle the darkness.

10. Rip off the sign on your back that reads: “KICK ME. MY LIFE SUCKS."

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I see only my broken journey. In some twisted way, I'm comforted by the dysfunction because it's kept me company for so long. It's easy to let the shadow of my family's past follow me around and choose to drown in the darkness.

But every day, I'm learning to turn on the light. I have to write the next chapter in my recovery story, but I can't climb that mountain with all this crap weighing me down.

11. It's OK to forgive, too.

Some people have given me sucky advice about how I should write an anthem on daddy bashing, or how to hit the delete button on the things that shaped my story.

Instead, my dad and I are both learning to celebrate the little things, like the day that he could change my flat tire. On that day, I didn't have to wonder if he was too drunk to come help me.

I can't forget all the dark nights of my childhood.

But I've learned that for my own well-being, I can't harbor bitterness until I explode.

Instead, I can love my dad, day by day, and learn to trust in the New Dad — the one with clearer eyes and a full heart. The one who rescues me when I call.

This article was written by Ashley Tieperman and originally appeared on 04.27.16

From Your Site Articles

addiction

Family

Mom finds brilliant way to tell her kids the 'truth' about Santa and other parents take notes

If you're a parent struggling how to break the news, this might help.

Photo by krakenimages on Unsplash

How to tell your kids the truth about Santa.

"It's the mooost wonderful tiiiiime of the — OH NO, did Charlie just ask if Santa is real?!"

If you're a parent in a household that celebrates Christmas, you can likely relate to the dreaded Santa Claus conversation. It may come with tears, it may come with tantrums, and it may even be worse for you, seeing that heart-wrenching look of disappointment spread across your child's once-merry face.

It's a dilemma Charity Hutchinson of British Columbia was pondering, as a mom to two young boys and the two nephews she cares for as well.

Hutchinson family and the truth about Santa.

Photo by Theresa Easter Photography.

One of Hutchinson's nephews raised the notorious question, telling her he no longer believed in Santa Claus.

"I felt sad because he seemed disappointed telling me his news," she explained in a message. "And in that moment I didn't know what to say to him."

Hutchinson soon stumbled upon some advice online, finding what she described as “by far the best idea I’ve seen about telling your kids about Santa."

The idea of Santa may seem frivolous to many adults, but to believe in something much bigger than yourself, only to learn you've been lied to by the people you trust most in the world? That can be a really big deal to a kid (and can possibly even create long-term trust issues for them, as one study found). The Santa conversation is one many parents understandably want to get right.

So when Hutchinson saw one of her friends on Facebook share an anonymous post detailing a strategy for breaking the news to your kids without disappointing them, she was thrilled.

Hutchinson loved the idea so much, she shared it on Facebook as well:

This is by far the best idea I've seen about telling your kids about Santa. Had to share! *********"In our family, we...
Posted by Charity Hutchinson on Tuesday, November 29, 2016

This is how it works:

1. Find a time to take your kid out, one-on-one, to a favorite spot and deliver the great news: The time has come for them to become a Santa.

"When they are 6 or 7, whenever you see that dawning suspicion that Santa may not be a material being, that means the child is ready. I take them out 'for coffee' at the local wherever. We get a booth, order our drinks, and the following pronouncement is made: 'You sure have grown an awful lot this year. Not only are you taller, but I can see that your heart has grown, too.'"

The post suggests pointing to a few different examples of how your kid has shown empathy or done something nice for another person throughout the past year. Let them know it was in those moments they proved themselves worthy of finally "becoming a Santa" themselves.

2. Assure your kid that they're ready to become a Santa because they understand the true meaning of giving (it's not just about the milk and cookies).

"You probably have noticed that most of the Santas you see are people dressed up like him. Some of your friends might have even told you that there is no Santa. A lot of children think that because they aren't ready to BE a Santa yet, but YOU ARE."

Get them talking about all the reasons they think Santa's the best. They may start out by pointing to his sleigh-riding skills or the fact he can go around the whole world in just one night. But move the conversation toward Santa being not so much of a cool person, but a cool concept that's focused on giving. Handing out presents makes the spirit of Santa a spectacular thing. Because your kid understands why giving back matters too, it's time they become a Santa themselves.

Also, "make sure you maintain the proper conspiratorial tone," the post notes.

3. Now that they're in on the secret, have them choose someone who could really use a great gift and devise a plan to give it away — secretly, of course.

"We then have the child choose someone they know — a neighbor, usually. The child's mission is to secretly, deviously, find out something that the person needs, and then provide it, wrap it, deliver it — and never reveal to the target where it came from. Being a Santa isn't about getting credit, you see. It's unselfish giving."

In the original post, the writer explains that their oldest child decided to buy a gift for a neighbor who always walked out to get the newspaper without her shoes on. Their son spied on the neighbor one day from the bushes to estimate her shoe size — he predicted she wore mediums — and then slipped a pair of slippers under her driveway gate one evening with a note "from Santa." The following morning, the neighbor was spotted wearing the slippers. Their son was ecstatic.

4. Remind them that being a Santa is top-secret business. And that, next year, they can carry on with their selfless Santa duties once again.

"I had to remind him that NO ONE could ever know what he did or he wouldn't be a Santa. Over the years, he chose a good number of targets, always coming up with a unique present just for them."

One year, for instance, he polished up a bike for a family friend's daughters. The writer's son was just as over the moon about giving the gift as the daughters were about receiving it.

In a little over a week, Hutchinson's post has racked up thousands of Likes and shares, with plenty of thankful parents chiming in in the comments.

"I never imagined it would be so popular!" Hutchinson explains. "I mean, it felt special when I read it and completely gave me goosebumps, but I didn't realize it would go this far."

Where the original post came from is still somewhat of a mystery. As The Huffington Post reported, it seems to have first cropped up in 2007 in an online forum. Ever since, the idea has floated around the web here and there, but has only made waves recently with Hutchinson's post going viral.

The secret of being a Santa, so to speak, has already worked its holiday magic on Hutchinson's once-suspicious nephew.

Filling him in on becoming a Santa was an instant game-changer, she says.

"His eyes lit right up," she writes. "That excitement and joy returned to him and he couldn't stop asking me questions! ... Instantly I could see the wheels were turning and he started planning who his special target would be and what he would get them and how he'd pull it off."

Hutchinson is happy her simple Facebook post has turned into something so special. "It isn't just a nice way to break the news to your kids," she writes. "But it really teaches them about the true meaning of Christmas and how you should always give to others."

This article originally appeared on 12.09.16

From Your Site Articles

parenting

Family

Debunked: Negative parenting images have zero impact on people's desire to have kids

People quip about misbehaving kids being "birth control," but that's not what the research shows.

Photo by Snapwire

"Baby fever" is hard to beat.

The desire to become a parent is at once an incredibly simple biological impulse and a complex psychological decision. As mammals, we have an innate evolutionary drive to reproduce and pass on our genes. As humans, we may feel compelled to nurture a child, to grow a family, to leave a lineage and legacy behind…or we may not.

Some people don't feel the desire to have children, but research shows most young adults do. The phenomenon known as "baby fever" is real, and it happens to both women and men. For women, the desire for a baby tends to start off strong and decrease with age and after having children, whereas for men baby fever tends to increase as they get older.

But how does popular culture impact that desire? Do parenting depictions in media and advertisements have an influence one way or another?

Those are the questions researchers from the UBC Sauder School of Business explored in a 2022 study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: Applied.

“Advertising and social media play an important role in how we view the world. In general, what we see on Instagram and Facebook are positive portrayals of parenthood, with #blessed and #bestkidsever. How often do we see parents post #mykidsareterrible?” asked study co-author Dr. Lisa Cavanaugh. “We wanted to see if, by simply showing pictures of kids in advertising, we could affect the desire to have children.”

The study authors observed 1,093 childless young adults between the ages of 18-35 as they viewed positive and negative parent-child advertisements and ads with the children removed (neutral images). Positive images showed things like a parent and child smiling while interacting or doing something fun and creative together, while negative images showed children having meltdowns or parents clearly exasperated with a child's misbehavior.

What they found was that positive parenting images increased the participants' desire to have a child by 22 percent compared to the neutral images. However, there was no inverse effect with the negative parent-child images.

— (@)

In fact, there was no negative effect at all. Seeing parenting being portrayed negatively did not change participants' minds about wanting to have a child.

“These are people who don’t yet have children, so it could be they see the comedy in kids behaving badly. When it’s not you trying to clean up the mess or get a child to eat before you go to work, it can be humorous,” Dr. Cavanaugh posited. “But we can say with certainty that people without children who saw these negative parent-child moments were not dissuaded.”

One thing the authors found in measuring how negative parenting images impacted "baby fever" was that both positive and negative parenting images evoked a sense of empathy in participants, which correlated with a greater desire to have children. Even the negative parenting images tended to create an empathic response (though not as significantly as the positive parenting images did) leading to a slight increase in desire to have a child.

"Further bolstering the importance of empathic emotions in understanding the desire to have children, our results indicated that the depiction of negative parent–child moments also increases the desire to have children via empathic emotions," the authors wrote. "This finding suggests that the valence of parent–child images (i.e., that they are positive and sweet) may be less critical to the increased desire to have children. Instead, empathic emotions seem to be critical in predicting the desire to have children."

So perhaps the quips we see on social media posts of misbehaving children or stressed out parents about them being "birth control" really are just jokes. According to this study, "baby fever" isn't so easily brought down.

From Your Site Articles

parenting