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Men's Health

Guys share the 9 worst 'alpha male' tips they've ever heard and it's so cringe

Do you wipe your butt thoroughly? Oops, you might be a beta.

alpha male, wolf, leader, alpha, toilet paper, tips
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Alpha males share their cringe takes.

The 'manosphere' is a multi-million dollar industry. If you've never heard of it, you've probably heard of some of its major figureheads like Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson. They profit by claiming to teach impressionable young men, and lonely older men, how to be alpha males so that they can attract more women, more success, and the respect and happiness they crave.

The advice usually starts out pretty innocuous. You've got to get in shape and get your life in order! But it quickly spirals into the deeply misogynistic and, from there, even the ludicrous.

Guys are sharing the worst 'alpha male' tips they've ever heard and, yeesh, are they painful to read. Most of these come from pretty extreme fringes of the men's movement, but the scary thing is that a lot of this stuff is really out there being recommended. Lucky for us, we get to laugh at how ridiculous it all is.

1. Real men don't eat salad / The all meat diet

meat, all meat diet, manly mealGiphy

Social media users on Reddit's r/AskMen subreddit sounded off in the thread:

"I once ordered a salad and water with some lemon and got razzed endlessly by the guys who were with me. Apparently, it was not a 'manly' meal. Joke’s on them, I was the only one among them that didn’t have a beer belly and probably artery disease."

"The number of guys who think it's unmanly to eat vegetables is insane."

It calls to mind Jordan Peterson's famous all-meat-and-only-meat diet. Never mind that eating outrageous amounts of meat is a great way to fast-track the destruction of the planet, almost all doctors and nutritionists agree that eating a diet of only or mostly meat is a horrible idea that deprives your body of many key nutrients. Too much meat can lead to high cholesterol and heart disease, among many other problems, including feeling absolutely horrible all the time.


2. Real men don't display love and affection for their partners

My father told me never say I love you to a woman and never buy a woman flowers. He's been divorced twice last time I talked to him.

Crying on your wedding day? Pathetic! The manfluencers would definitely have you believe that buying flowers, planning dates, or displaying any amount of sentimentality costs you crucial alpha points. Happy husbands everywhere would gladly disagree.

3. Sex with the woman on top / going down on a woman is not manly

So-called "alpha males" are supposed to sleep with tons of women, but only in an approved masculine manner. Being in any kind of sexually submissive position is, apparently, unmanly.

This one sparked plenty of jokes in the thread: "Fellas, is it gay to have sex with a woman?"

4. Wiping your butt is gay

confusion, gag, dumbGiphy

Yes, sadly, this is a real one. It's a documented phenomenon. Women are complaining all across the Internet upon discovering that the men they're with refuse to wipe their butts because...wait for it...touching in between your own butt cheeks is gay, and using hygiene products (including toilet paper!) is feminine.

"That is apparently a newer trend among some of the Andrew Tate toxic 'alpha male' crew. A couple women have complained on other reddit subs about their partners no longer wiping or washing his butt. The general response is to tell him that they didn't marry a toddler and he needs to wipe his ass or leave."

5. Carrying an umbrella or wearing a coat is girly

Men vs umbrellas. It's an ongoing war as old as time itself.

“Umbrellas are for protection,” an expert told Buzzfeed. “Men often interpret protection from the weather as a subtle sign of weakness. Social norms dictate that men shouldn’t be afraid of getting wet, should embrace the elements, and don’t need protection. As antiquated as this may sound, it still rings true for many men. ‘Real men don’t need an umbrella, because real men aren’t afraid of the rain.’”

Same goes for jackets and coats:

"Also, the whole 'men don’t need a jacket/coat/feel the cold.'Like DUDE it’s literally snowing and you’re shaking. Take my jacket you’re being sad rn"


6. Real men don't wear purple/pink

"My ex father in law told me 'real men don't wear purple.' It was a f*cking throwback Randy Moss jersey."

An oldie but a goodie: Real alphas don't wear girly colors! Only problem is, there's nothing inherently feminine about pink, purple, yellow, or any color, really. And that's not just lip service: Pink even used to be known as primarily a masculine color, so maybe we're the ones who have it backwards.


7. Alpha males don't cook

gif, cook, Gordon RamseyGiphy

"Men shouldn’t cook! …. I mean men don’t eat? So why shouldn’t they cook?"

"It's weird. When I tell people I do most of the cooking at home, I get weird faces and comments"

"[It's OK] to cook and get payed for it but if you do it for free for yourself or your family it’s weird."

This is a weird one, because outside of needing to occasionally cook for yourself so you, you know, don't die of starvation — many of the world's greatest and most successful chefs are men. Guess they're all beta losers!

8. Alpha males don't wash their hands, care about their appearance, or tend to basic hygiene

We've already learned the unfortunate truth that some men are too fragile in their heterosexuality to wipe their butt, but the problem sadly and grossly extends even further.

"Every time I go to the bathroom I reckon about a third of men actually wash their hands and half of that use soap"

Maybe it's because they're being told by segments of the manosphere that wanting to be clean or, God forbid, smell good, is girly and beta behavior.


9. Real men save up their magical semen

The manosphere has all kinds of ridiculous notions about male reproductive fluid, including that it can cure women's depression and that they can get addicted to it. Really! They also say it contains a man's life force and must be cherished at all costs.

"Most proponents of semen retention also say it gives them more confidence and self-control, less anxiety and depression, increased motivation, better memory, concentration and improved cognitive function," say the experts at Healthy Male. "Again, there is no evidence to support these claims."

For the record, there really is no such thing as "alpha males" in humans.

The term is loosely based on a problematic and recanted study involving the social hierarchies of wolves. Even in some primate species, where alphas do exist, it's rarely based on which one is the biggest or strongest alone. Humans are more complicated still. There are traits in men that are correlated with "social dominance," like being tall, having a deep voice, or sporting a handsome face. But there really is no one type of male person that is better or more desirable than another, and there is no exact set of behaviors that can be adopted to guarantee all the riches life has to offer. Even if there was, I'd be willing to bet that "not wiping your butt," would not be one of them.

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Education

One teacher's simple, disgusting experiment drives home the importance of hand washing

"Hand sanitizer is not an alternative to washing hands!"

Facebook/Jaralee Metcalf

Simple. Disgusting. Informative.

One of the biggest breakthroughs in preventing the spread of illnesses and infections in hospitals was embarrassingly simple: hand washing. In 1846, Hungarian physician Ignaz Semmelweis discovered that hand washing played a vital role in the spread of germs, and the practice soon became mandatory in hospitals. The simple act of scrubbing hands with soap and water literally saved lives.

Getting a kid to wash their hands, however, can be an uphill battle. While it's a common thing kids (don't) do, global perspective on the importance and effectiveness of hand washing has risen since the COVID-19 pandemic. According to a study published by the National Library of Medicine (NLM) in 2023, before the emergence of COVID-19, a survey found that only about 36% of people always washed their hands with soap, 48% sometimes used soap, and an unsettling 16% of respondents said they wash without soap. After COVID-19 emerged, however, more than 72% of respondents reported using soap every time they washed their hands. There's nothing like a pandemic (and perhaps the reality of FAFO) to strike fear into the hearts of those chronic under washers, but in 2019, one teacher did a simple experiment to show her students just how important hand washing is.

"We did a science project in class this last month as flu season was starting," teacher Dayna Robertson and classroom behavioral specialist Jaralee Metcalf wrote on Facebook. "We took fresh bread and touched it. We did one slice untouched. One with unwashed hands. One with hand sanitizer. One with washed hands with warm water and soap. Then we decided to rub a piece on all our classroom Chromebooks." Robertson later noted that they normally do make a point to sanitize the classroom Chromebooks, but didn't that day in the name of science.

science, experiment, dexter's lab, cartoon, kids, hygiene Dexters Laboratory What A Fine Day For Science GIFGiphy

The bread was put into plastic bags and the germs were left to fester. The bread that had been touched by unwashed hands and the bread that had touched the Chromebook had the most mold. The bread that had been touched by hands washed with soap and water remained (relatively) good enough to eat.

This experiment has been done before, but Robertson expanded on it by testing the effectiveness of hand sanitizer. The bread that had been touched by hands cleaned with sanitizer also had a fair amount of mold on it, although not as much as the bread touched by unwashed hands.

bread, mold, experiment, education, hand washing, cleanlinessThe bread doesn't lie. Facebook/Jaralee Metcalf

"As somebody who is sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired," Robertson wrote, "wash your hands! Remind your kids to wash their hands! And hand sanitizer is not an alternative to washing hands!! At all!" It's kind of making us retroactively gag over seeing port-a-potties with hand sanitizer set up in lieu of sinks.

The experiment was prompted by a different science lesson. "We had just finished a science lesson on how leaves break down during winter. The kids were kind of grossed out by the mold, so we decided to run our own version using germs and mold from our own environment," Robertson told Scary Mommy.

Weirdly, the classroom experiment received some criticism. "Lots of people actually DEFENDED not washing their hands!" Robertson told Scary Mommy. "That was shocking! It really was just a simple classroom experiment to teach about mold but we have all learned more about how easily we can spread the germs we can't see."

In the 2019 lens, this lesson being about mold seems simple enough. All of us here in 2025, though, blessed (or cursed) with the experience of the pandemic, know that washing your hands really is as life-saving as Semmelweis proved nearly two centuries ago. Research done in 2020 and published in PubMed showed that individuals who washed their hands consistently were more likely to have lower rates of COVID-19 infection. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) in 2024, hand washing also reduces respiratory illness like colds and flu in the general population by 16-21%, and reduces the number of people with diarrheal illnesses by 23-40%.

And to be sure, how we wash our hands is incredibly important. A quick rinse without scrubbing won't do the trick. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), the proper technique for handwashing is to wet your hands, apply soap, and then run your soapy hands under the stream while rotating, rubbing, and scrubbing every inch of your hands for at least 20 seconds. Usually you can hit that mark by singing "Happy Birthday" twice. Then, rinse. When you're done, dry your hands with a clean towel. Check out this demonstration from the CDC:

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

The moral of the story is, please, please remember to always wash your hands. It really makes a difference.

This article originally appeared six years ago. It has been updated.

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Innovation

Researchers tested a bottle of Fiji Water against a glass of tap water. This is what they found.

Bottled water is filthy.

Image via Canva

A lab technician tests bottles of water

Here are six facts from the video above by The Story of Stuff Project that I'll definitely remember next time I'm tempted to buy bottled water.



- YouTubewww.youtube.com


1. Bottled water is more expensive than tap water (and not just a little).



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A Business Insider column noted that two-thirds of the bottled water sold in the United States is in individual 16.9-ounce bottles, which comes out to roughly $7.50 per gallon. That's about 2,000 times higher than the cost of a gallon of tap water.

And in an article in 20 Something Finance, G.E. Miller investigated the cost of bottled versus tap water for himself. He found that he could fill 4,787 20-ounce bottles with tap water for only $2.10! So if he paid $1 for a bottled water, he'd be paying 2,279 times the cost of tap.

2. Bottled water could potentially be of lower quality than tap water.



assets.rebelmouse.io


Fiji Water ran an ad campaign that was pretty disparaging about the city of Cleveland. Not a wise move. The city ordered a test of the snooty brand's water and found that Fiji Water contained levels of arsenic that weren't seen in the city's water supply.

How was that possible? Sarah Goodman of the New York Times explains:

" Bottled water manufacturers are not required to disclose as much information as municipal water utilities because of gaps in federal oversight authority. Bottom line: The Food and Drug Administration oversees bottled water, and U.S. EPA is in charge of tap water. FDA lacks the regulatory authority of EPA."

3. The amount of bottled water we buy every week in the U.S. alone could circle the globe five times!



assets.rebelmouse.io


That sounded like it just had to be impossible, so we looked into it. Here's what our fact-checkers found:

"According to the video, ' People in the U.S. buy more than half a billion bottles of water every week.' National Geographic says for 2011, bottled water sales hit 9.1 billion gallons (roughly 34 billion liters).

A 'typical' water bottle is a half-liter, so that's about 68 billion bottles per year. Divided by 52 weeks would be a little over 1 billion bottles of water sold per week in the U.S. Because that's based on a smaller 'typical' bottle size, it seems reasonable that a half billion bottles a week could be accurate.

The Earth is about 131.5 million feet around, so yep, half a billion bottles of varying sizes strung end-to-end could circle the Earth five times."

4. Paying for bottled water makes us chumps.



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Beverage companies have turned bottled water into a multibillion-dollar industry through a concept known as manufactured demand. Bottled water advertisements used a combination of scare tactics (Tap water bad!) and seduction (From the purest mountain streams EVER!) to reel us in.

Well, we now know their claims about the superior quality of bottled water are mostly bogus. And research shows that anywhere from a quarter to 45% of all bottled water comes from the exact same place as your tap water (which, to reiterate, is so cheap it's almost free).



assets.rebelmouse.io


5. Bottled water is FILTHY.

It takes oil — lots of it — to make plastic bottles. According to the video, the energy in the amount of oil it takes to make the plastic water bottles sold in the U.S. in one year could fuel a million cars. That's not even counting the oil it takes to ship bottled water around the world.

And once we've guzzled our bottled water, up to 80% of the empty bottles end up in landfills or noxious-gas-producing incinerators. The rest is either recycled or shipped to countries like India where poor people without environmental and labor protections have to deal with it.

On top of all that, the process of manufacturing plastic bottles is polluting public water supplies, which makes it easier for bottled water companies to sell us their expensive product.

6. There are 750 million people around the world who don't have access to clean water.


A child dies every minute from a waterborne disease. And for me, that's the core of what makes bottled water so evil.

The video wraps by comparing buying bottled water to smoking while pregnant. That may sound extreme, but after learning everything I just did about the bottled water industry, I can't disagree.



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If you're properly disgusted, here are a few ways you can help destroy the bottled water industry:

  1. Don't buy bottled water. Get a reusable water bottle. The savings will add up.
  2. Rally your schools, workplaces, and communities to ban bottled water.
  3. Demand that your city, state, and federal governments invest in better water infrastructure.

This article originally appeared 10 years ago.

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Animals & Wildlife

Diver convinces a tiny octopus to trade a plastic cup for a shell in Pixar-worthy video

The cup wasn't a safe choice, but the little cephalopod was stubborn.

Pall Sigurdsson/YouTube

Plastic is a problem for ocean wildlife.

Sometimes taking care of our beautiful home planet looks like big, broad policies tackling issues like plastic pollution and habitat destruction. And sometimes it looks like taking the time to help one tiny creature stuck in an environmental bind.

In a YouTube video that's been viewed a whopping 20 million times, we see an example of the latter in action as some kind and compassionate divers attempt to convince an octopus to abandon the plastic cup it's using for protection and trade it for a sturdy shell. Pall Sigurdsson has shared dozens of underwater videos on YouTube, but watching this particular video from his dive off the coast of Lembeh, Indonesia, in 2018 almost feels like watching a Pixar short film.

luxo jr lamp GIF by Disney PixarGiphy

"We spent a whole dive and most of our air saving this octopus from what was bound to be a cruel fate," Sigurdsson wrote in the description of the video.

"The coconut octopus, also known as veined octopus, is born with the instinct to protect itself by creating a mobile home out of coconut or clam shells. This particular individual however has been trapped by their instincts and have made a home out of a plastic cup they found underwater."

It's not just that the flimsy plastic cup didn't provide the octopus adequate protection. Sigurdsson explained that a predator like an eel or a flounder would probably end up swallowing the cup with the octopus in it, likely killing both of them. Plus, even if the octopus abandoned the cup on its own, plastic simply doesn't belong in the ocean.

plastic in the ocean, plastic pollution, ocean wildlifePlastic doesn't belong in the ocean.Photo credit: Canva

"We tried for a long time to give it shells hoping that it would trade the shell," he wrote. "Coconut octopus are famous for being very picky about which shells they keep so we had to try with many different shells before it found one to be acceptable."

If you think an octopus in a cup making a decision about shells doesn't sound riveting, just watch:

- YouTubeyoutu.be

The tentacles reaching out to test the weight of each shell, the divers searching for more options to offer it, the suspense of wondering whether the octopus really would abandon its pathetic plastic pollution protection...it's just too much.

Sigurdsson's other underwater videos are also fun to watch. He shared one of another veined octopus who seemed to have no interest in him but became intrigued with his diver friend, Gary. The way it reaches out to touch just the tip of his finger and then shyly retreats feels like such a clear communication with no words being said.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Octopuses are far more intelligent than anyone would have guessed before we started studying their behavior in earnest. They are known to solve puzzles, escape complicated mazes and traps, and take apart just about anything. It does make you wonder what these little guys were thinking when these divers were interacting with them. Was it curiosity? Judgment? An attempt at connection between species?

It's funny how one small interaction in one tiny portion of the vast ocean can say so much about us, for better and for worse. Human pollution is an enormous problem and saving one little octopus won't save the world, but it sure gives us hope and motivation to keep trying for the sake of the vast number of creatures that live in the ocean as well as our own.

You can find more underwater videos of ocean wildlife from Pall Sigurdsson on YouTube.

This article originally appeared four years ago.

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Fatherhood

Dad and daughter relationships perfectly  explained in 10 paintings

The bond between dads and daughters is amazing.

All illustrations are provided by Soosh and used with permission.

It's hard to truly describe the amazing bond between dads and their daughters.

Being a dad is an amazing job no matter the gender of the tiny humans we're raising. But there's something unique about the bond between fathers and daughters. Most dads know what it's like to struggle with braiding hair, but we also know that bonding time provides immense value to our daughters. In fact, studies have shown that women with actively involved fathers are more confident and more successful in school and business.

You know how a picture is worth a thousand words? I'll just let these images sum up the daddy-daughter bond.

A 37-year-old Ukrainian artist affectionately known as Soosh, recently created some ridiculously heartwarming illustrations of the bond between a dad and his daughter, and put them on her Instagram feed. Sadly, her father wasn't involved in her life when she was a kid. But she wants to be sure her 9-year-old son doesn't follow in those footsteps.

"Part of the education for my kiddo who I want to grow up to be a good man is to understand what it's like to be one," Soosh told Upworthy.

There are so many different ways that fathers demonstrate their love for their little girls, and Soosh pretty much nails all of them.

Get ready to run the full gamut of the feels.

1. Dads can do it all. Including hair.

parenting, dads, daughters, fathers, art, artworkA father does his daughter's hairAll illustrations are provided by Soosh and used with permission.

2. They also make pretty great game opponents.



parenting, dads, daughters, fathers, art, artwork, chessA father plays chess with his daughterAll illustrations are provided by Soosh and used with permission.

3. And the Hula-Hoop skills? Legendary.



parenting, dads, daughters, fathers, art, artwork, hula hoopA dad hula hoops with his daughterAll illustrations are provided by Soosh and used with permission.

4. Dads know there's always time for a tea party regardless of the mountain of work in front of them.



A dad talks to his daughter while working at his deskAll illustrations are provided by Soosh and used with permission.


5. And their puppeteer skills totally belong on Broadway.



A dad performs a puppet show for his daughterAll illustrations are provided by Soosh and used with permission.


6. Dads help us see the world from different views.



A dad walks with his daughter on his backAll illustrations are provided by Soosh and used with permission.


7. So much so that we never want them to leave.



a dad carries a suitcase that his daughter holds ontoAll illustrations are provided by Soosh and used with permission.


8. They can make us feel protected, valued, and loved.



A dad holds his sleeping daughterAll illustrations are provided by Soosh and used with permission.


9. Especially when there are monsters hiding in places they shouldn't.



A superhero dad looks over his daughterAll illustrations are provided by Soosh and used with permission.


10. Seeing the daddy-daughter bond as art perfectly shows how beautiful fatherhood can be.



A dad takes the small corner of the bed with his dauthterAll illustrations are provided by Soosh and used with permission.


This article originally appeared nine years ago.

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Teachers

A boy told his teacher she can't understand him because she's white. She didn't mince words.

"We are responsible for the future of this country."

Photo by John Pike. Used with permission.

Emily E. Smith is no ordinary teacher.

Fifth-grade teacher Emily E. Smith is not your ordinary teacher. She founded The Hive Society — a classroom that's all about inspiring children to learn more about their world ... and themselves — by interacting with literature and current events. Students watch TED talks, read Rolling Stone, and analyze infographics.

She even has a long-distance running club to encourage students to take care of their minds and bodies. Smith is such an awesome teacher, in fact, that she recently received the 2015 Donald H. Graves Award for Excellence in the Teaching of Writing.

It had always been her dream to work with children in urban areas, so when Smith started teaching, she hit the ground running. She had her students making podcasts, and they had in-depth discussions about their readings on a cozy carpet.

ethnicity, responsibility, empathy, teachers, studentsTeaching in a racially and ethnically diverse world.Photo by John Pike. Used with permission.

But in her acceptance speech for her award, she made it clear that it took a turning point in her career before she really got it:

"Things changed for me the day when, during a classroom discussion, one of my kids bluntly told me I "couldn't understand because I was a white lady." I had to agree with him. I sat there and tried to speak openly about how I could never fully understand and went home and cried, because my children knew about white privilege before I did. The closest I could ever come was empathy."

Smith knew that just acknowledging her white privilege wasn't enough.

She wanted to move beyond just empathy and find a way to take some real action that would make a difference for her students.

She kept the same innovative and engaging teaching methods, but she totally revamped her curriculum to include works by people who looked like her students. She also carved out more time to discuss issues that her students were facing, such as xenophobia and racism.

And that effort? Absolutely worth it.

As she said in her acceptance speech:

"We studied the works of Sandra Cisneros, Pam Munoz Ryan, and Gary Soto, with the intertwined Spanish language and Latino culture — so fluent and deep in the memories of my kids that I saw light in their eyes I had never seen before."

The changes Smith made in her classroom make a whole lot of sense. And they're easy enough for teachers everywhere to make:

— They studied the work of historical Latino figures, with some of the original Spanish language included. Many children of color are growing up in bilingual households. In 2007, 55.4 million Americans 5 years of age and older spoke a language other than English at home.

— They analyzed the vision of America that great writers of color sought to create. And her students realized that our country still isn't quite living up to its ideals. Despite progress toward racial equality with the end of laws that enforced slavery or segregation, we still have a long way to go. Black people still fare worse than white people when it comes to things like wealth, unfair arrests, and health.

— They read excerpts from contemporary writers of color, like Ta-Nehisi Coates who writes about race. Her students are reading and learning from a diverse group of writers. No small thing when they live in a society that overwhelmingly gives more attention to white male writers (and where the number of employees of color in the newspaper industry stagnates at a paltry 12%).

— They read about the Syrian crisis, and many students wrote about journeys across the border in their family history for class. The opportunity particularly struck one student; the assignment touched him so much that he cried. He never had a teacher honor the journey his family made. And he was proud of his heritage for the first time ever. "One child cried," Smith shared, "and told me he never had a teacher who honored the journey his family took to the United States. He told me he was not ashamed anymore, but instead proud of the sacrifice his parents made for him."

Opportunities like this will only increase as the number of children from immigrant families is steadily increasing. As of 2013, almost 17.4 million children under 18 have at least one immigrant parent.

Smith now identifies not just as an English teacher, but as a social justice teacher.


Smith's successful shift in her teaching is an example for teachers everywhere, especially as our schools become increasingly ethnically and racially diverse. About 80% of American teachers are white. But as of last year, the majority of K-12 students in public schools are now children of color.

As America's demographics change, we need to work on creating work that reflects the experiences that our students relate to. And a more diverse curriculum isn't just important for students of color. It's vital for everyone.

As Smith put it, "We, the teachers, are responsible for instilling empathy and understanding in the hearts of all kids. We are responsible for the future of this country."

This article originally appeared nine years ago.

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