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'Why women leave’: Wife who 'does everything' shares why she left her husband who did nothing

This is a common story in many households.

divorce, tiktok, why couples divorce
via Ketut Subiyanto/Pexels

A woman is upset with her husband and wants to leave him.

There are a few big reasons why 70% of divorces in the United States among heterosexual couples are filed by women. Women have more economic opportunities than in decades past and are better positioned to care for themselves and their children without a husband’s income.

Another big reason is that even though the world has become much more egalitarian than in the past, women still bear the brunt of most of the emotional labor in the home. Gilza Fort-Martinez, a Florida, US-based licensed couples’ therapist, told the BBC that men are socialized to have lower emotional intelligence than women, leaving their wives to do most of the emotional labor.

Secondly, studies show that women still do most of the domestic work in the home, so many are pulling double duty for their households.

A TikTokker with two children (@thesoontobeexwife) shared why she decided to leave her husband of two decades and her story recounts a common theme: She did all the work and her husband did little but complain.

The video, entitled “Why women leave,” has received over 2 million views.

@thesoontobeexwife

Y’all I laughed when I realized he truly does treat me better now then when he was trying to be in a marriage with me. How is this better?? How did I ever think before was ok?? #toxicrelationship #divorce #mentalloadofmotherhood #divorcetok #divorceisanoption #chooseyou #mentalhealth #mentalload #fyp #mentalload #emotionallabor

“So for the men out there who watch this, which frankly I kind of hope there aren’t any, you have an idea maybe what not to do,” she starts the video. “Yesterday, I go to work all day, go pick up one kid from school, go grocery shopping, go pick up the other kid from school, come home. Kids need a snack–make the snack. Kids want to play outside – we play outside.”

Her husband then comes home after attending a volunteer program, which she didn’t want him to join, and the self-centeredness begins. “So he gets home, he eats the entire carton of blueberries I just purchased for the children’s lunch and asks me what’s for dinner. I tell him I don’t know because the kids had a late snack and they’re not hungry yet,” she says in the video.

She then explains how the last time he cooked, which was a rare event, he nearly punched a hole in the wall because he forgot an ingredient. Their previous home had multiple holes in the walls. Dr. Gail Saltz, a psychiatrist and host of the Power of Different podcast, says that when punch walls it’s a sign that they haven’t “learned to deal with anger in a reasonable way.”

“Anyway, finally one kid is hungry,” the TikTokker continues. “So I offered to make pancakes because they’re quick and easy and it’s late. He sees the pancake batter and sees that there’s wheat flour in it and starts complaining. Says he won’t eat them. Now I am a grown adult making pancakes for my children who I am trying to feed nutritionally balanced meals. So yes, there’s wheat flour in the pancake mix.”

Then her husband says he’s not doing the dishes because he didn’t eat any pancakes. “Friends, the only thing this man does around this house is dishes occasionally. If I cook, he usually does the dishes. I cook most nights. But here’s the thing. That’s all he does. I do everything else. Everything. Everything.”

She then listed all of the household duties she handles.

“I cook, I clean the bathrooms, I make the lunches, I make the breakfasts, I mow the lawn, I do kids’ bedtime. I literally do everything and he does dishes once a day, maybe,” she says.

@thesoontobeexwife

I HAVE OFFICIALLY FILED FOR DIVORCE 🎉 #divorce #divorcetok #toxicrelationship #divorceisanoption #fyp #mentalhealth #chooseyou #iamenough #iwillnotbeafraid #mentalloadofmotherhood #emotionallabor

The video received over 8700 comments and most of them were words of support for the TikTokker who would go on to file for divorce from her husband.

"The amount of women I’ve heard say that their male partners are only teaching how to be completely independent of them, theirs going to be so many lonely men out there," Gwen wrote. "I was married to someone just like this for over 35 years. You will be so happy when you get away from him," BeckyButters wrote.

"The way you will no longer be walking on eggshells in your own home is an amazing feeling. You got this!" Barf Simpson added.


This article originally appeared on 5.21.23

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Culture

A guy definitively listed the 12 things that make men happy and it's 100% accurate

Guys literally only want one thing and it's a cool stick.

Nolan Reid / TikTok

There's an old joke slash meme that goes something like this:

"Guys literally only want one thing and it's disgusting."

Its used to imply, obviously, that men are shallow and crude creatures.

TikTok creator and simple-life advocate Nolan Reid, however, has a different idea of what men really want.


Nolan recently made a video about "Little things in life that make men happy."

The hilarious list includes:

  • A fridge full of beer.
  • Drinking said beer in the garage. With your dog. And a good buddy.
  • Finding a cool stick.
  • Kicking a rock.
  • Staring at water.
  • Dropping rocks into said water.

As a fellow man, I would say: Yeah. That pretty much covers it.

It really doesn't take much! Watch Nolan's full video to see the rest, and just appreciate how much joy and satisfaction he gets from these simple thing.

People loved Nolan's list – so much so that they began adding their own ideas of "simple things men love."

The video racked up hundreds of thousands of views across TikTok and Instagram.

One commenter wrote, "He just described my whole personality." Another added, "This guy gets it."

Others chimed in with their own additions to the list, like staring at a fire for hours. Or just peace and quiet.

But most of the nearly 200 comments were just people chiming in to say one thing:

"Hell yeah."

Finally, someone who understands us.

Nolan's ultra-relaxed vision of "masculinity" is honestly so refreshing.

Men on social media are usually bombarded with the Andrew Tates and Jordan Petersons of the world, influencers who constantly berate us to make more money, lose weight and add muscle, sleep with more women, take charge, relentlessly self-improve.

I like Nolan's much chiller idea of masculinity. It reminds me of being a kid, taking pleasure in the simple things, not racing to be anywhere, not trying to impress anyone or prove anything.

Nolan's entire account is a breath of fresh air, an antidote to hustle culture. His videos find joy in:

  • Breaking down cardboard boxes
  • Driving at sunset
  • Going fishing
  • Throwing a frisbee
  • Wearing t-shirts
A daily visit to his page is almost like a meditation. I highly recommend giving him a follow to add a little counterprogramming to your social media feed.

Nolan says in another recent video that he started making TikToks and Instagram reels just for fun, but discovered along the way that he was really passionate about the message.

"I never thought that my simple living and love for little things would resonate with so many of you."

He said he hopes to inspire people to "take a step back and enjoy the good simple things in life."

I suddenly have the urge to go chuck a rock into a river, so I would say: Mission Accomplished!

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Humor

Professor keeps students awake by loudly singing emo music at anyone who falls asleep

The Emo kids are in charge now.

Photo credit: Canva

Professor loudly serenades students who fall asleep with emo music

There is something to be said about music in the early 2000s. It has a way of getting at some of the deeper parts of you while also remaining surprisingly upbeat. If you were one of those kids that enjoyed emo music then you likely know exactly the kind of oxymoronic journey the songs can feel like. The music seems to be implying fun while the lyrics are often downtrodden filled with issues to be further examined.

But even if you weren't a scene or emo kid, you likely still blasted some Paramore, Fall Out Boy or Panic! At the Disco at some point while cruising through town. It was a genre that touched nearly every group of people in America no matter who you were, but whatever happened to those emo kids anyway?

They grew up...and some may or may not have become professors. Or at least that's the most logical conclusion, especially given the way Professor Matthew Pittman wakes his students that fall asleep in class.

Pittman teaches college classes and one of his students recorded his hijinks in class one day writing in the text overlay, "why does my professor scream emo lyrics to wake up sleeping students?" It's clearly because emo music being scream sung into your earholes will get your blood pumping quickly when you've inadvertently fallen asleep. It's science. Okay, well probably not science, but obviously a very effective tool in the professor's arsenal.

File:Blink182.jpg - Wikipediaen.m.wikipedia.org

In the video shared on Professor Pittman's page, you see the professor spot a student with his head tipped back appearing to be asleep. Pittman spots the student and seizes the opportunity to loudly serenade him with a little Secondhand Serenade's "Fall for You." Shouting the lyrics to the chorus, Pittman kneels in front of the student who immediately startles awake satisfying the professor enough to walk away...until someone else dares to close their eyes.

Pittman makes his way through the lecture hall to get to the other sleeping student but never gives away what he's about to do. He simply continues his lesson until he reaches the unsuspecting student, "the structure of the syntax are of course very important when making a compelling argument." It's at this point the sleeping target is within shouting distance prompting the likely former emo professor to test out his vocal range with Green Day's "Basket Case." While the Green Day song is from 1994 fitting solidly into the grunge era, it still works.

Green Day Venezuela: Billie Joe + Mike Dirnt | Ed Vill | Flickrwww.flickr.com

At one point Pittman climbs over chairs to get to a megaphone and sing to Blink-182's "I Miss You" to a sleeping girl who wakes up laughing. The students appear to be used to the the professor's shenanigans and find it amusing. People in the comments pointed out how comfortable to students are with him.

@matthewcpittman #emomusic is good for #wakingup #tired #collegestudents #collegeclass #sleepingstudent #collegestudent #emomusicchallenge #greenday #blink182 #secondhandserenade #fallforyou #basketcase #90smusic ♬ original sound - Professor Pittman

"He’s such a safe space his student squeezes his nose for amplified affect," someone writes.

"This is the type of professor you randomly pick because you need the class and end up picking whenever you can for other classes," another person laughs.

Mothers Day Emo GIF by GIPHY Studios 2021Giphy

"Idk what’s better him pulling megaphone out of seemingly no where or the other kid reaching over to plug his nose to make the blink 182 song more authentic sounding," one person contemplates.

"Moving his hair in front of his eye too is really just the cherry on top," another chimes in.

"I love how his students are comfortable enough to pinch his nose and even push the megaphone with their feet. it's like they're with a friend," someone else shares.

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Sustainability

Scientists tested 3 popular bottled water brands for nanoplastics using new tech, and yikes

The results were alarming—an average of 240,000 nanoplastics per 1 liter bottle—but what does it mean for our health?

Suzy Hazelwood/Canva

Columbia University researchers tested bottled water for nanoplastics and found hundreds of thousands of them.

Evian, Fiji, Voss, SmartWater, Aquafina, Dasani—it's impressive how many brands we have for something humans have been consuming for millennia. Despite years of studies showing that bottled water is no safer to drink than tap water, Americans are more consuming more bottled water than ever, to the tune of billions of dollars in bottled water sales.

People cite convenience and taste in addition to perceived safety for reasons they prefer bottle to tap, but the fear factor surrounding tap water is still a driving force. It doesn't help when emergencies like floods cause tap water contamination or when investigations reveal issues with lead pipes in some communities, but municipal water supplies are tested regularly, and in the vast majority of the U.S., you can safely grab a glass of water from a tap.

And now, a new study on nanoplastics found in three popular bottled water brands is throwing more data into the bottled vs. tap water choice

Researchers from Columbia University used a new laser-guided technology to detect nanoplastics that had previously evaded detection due to their miniscule size.

The new technology can detect, count and analyze and chemical structure of nanoparticles, and they found seven different major types of plastic: polyamide, polypropylene, polyethylene, polymethyl methacrylate, polyvinyl chloride, polystyrene, and polyethylene terephthalate.

In contrast to a 2018 study that found around 300 plastic particles in an average liter of bottled water, the study published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences in January of 2024 found 240,000 nanoplastic particles per liter bottle on average between the three brands studied. (The name of the brands were not indicated in the study.)

As opposed to microplastics, nanoplastics are too small to be seen by microscope. Their size is exactly why experts are concerned about them, as they are small enough to invade human cells and potentially disrupt cellular processes.

“Micro and nanoplastics have been found in the human placenta at this point. They’ve been found in human lung tissues. They’ve been found in human feces; they’ve been found in human blood,” study coauthor Phoebe Stapleton, associate professor of pharmacology and toxicology at Rutgers University’s Ernest Mario School of Pharmacy told CNN Health,

We know that nanoplastics are making their way into our bodies. We just don't have enough research yet on what that means for our health, and we still have more questions than answers. How many nanoplastics does it take to do damage and/or cause disease? What kinds of damage or disease might they cause? Is whatever effect they might have cumulative? We simply don't have answers to these questions yet.

That's not to say there's no cause for concern.

We do know that certain levels of microplastic exposure have been shown to adversely affect the viability of cells. Nanoplastics are even smaller—does that mean they are more likely to cause cellular damage? Science is still working that out.

According to Dr. Sara Benedé of the Spanish National Research Council’s Institute of Food Science Research, it's not just the plastics themselves that might cause damage, but what they may bring along with them. “[Microparticles and nanoparticles] have the ability to bind all kinds of compounds when they come into contact with fluids, thus acting as carriers of all kinds of substances including environmental pollutants, toxins, antibiotics, or microorganisms,” Dr. Benedé told Medical News Today.

water plastic bottle on seashorePhoto by Brian Yurasits on Unsplash

Where is this plastic in water coming from?

This study focused on bottled water, which is almost always packaged in plastic. The filters used to filter the water before bottling are also frequently made from plastic.

Is it possible that some of these nanoplastics were already present in the water from their original sources? Again, research is always evolving on this front, but microplastics have been detected in lakes, streams and other freshwater sources, so it's not a big stretch to imagine that nanoplastics may be making their way into freshwater ecosystems as well. However, microplastics are found at much higher levels in bottled water than tap water, so it's also not a stretch to assume that most of the nanoplastics are likely coming from the bottling process and packaging rather than from freshwater sources.

assorted bottled waters on shelfPhoto by Giuseppe Famiani on Unsplash

The reality is, though, we simply don't know yet.

“Based on other studies we expected most of the microplastics in bottled water would come from leakage of the plastic bottle itself, which is typically made of PET (polyethylene terephthalate) plastic,” lead author Naixin Qian, a doctoral student in chemistry at Columbia University, told CNN Health. “However, we found there’s actually many diverse types of plastics in a bottle of water, and that different plastic types have different size distributions. The PET particles were larger, while others were down to 200 nanometers, which is much, much smaller.”

We need to drink water, and we need to drink safe water. At this point, we have plenty of environmental reasons for avoiding bottled water unless absolutely necessary and opting for tap water instead. Even if there's still more research to be done, the presence of hundreds of thousands of nanoplastics in bottled water might just be another reason to make the switch.


This article originally appeared on 2.2.24

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Culture

Here's a simple and effective test to figure out how you really feel about someone

It involves two beers, a puppy, and your personal comfort level.

via Unsplash

The average American knows 600 people, according to a recent study by The New York Times. Now, you may have 900 "friends" on Facebook, but you probably don't "know" all of them.

Another study found that the average American adult has 16 friends. They have "three friends for life, five people they really like and would hang out with one-on-one, and eight people they like but don't spend time with one-on-one or seek out."

Now, there are all different kinds of friends. There are those that you see just to have a good time. There are those that you go out with on couples' dates. And there are those you may share a hobby or interest with, but the relationship doesn't go much further than that.

What sets acquaintances, friends, and best friends apart is how comfortable we feel around them. Two ways to judge how they make you feel is whether you spending a lot of time together and if they can be trusted.

Author Ross McCammon created a simple test to gain some clarity about the level of comfort he feels about someone, he calls it the "Two Beers and a Puppy Test."

The test is: To find out how you actually feel about someone, ask yourself: "Would I have two beers with this person?" And: "Would I allow this person to look after my puppy over a weekend?"

Some people are no and no. These people are to be avoided at all costs. Some people are yes and no. These people are to be cautiously trusted. Some people are no and yes. These people are no fun but they make the world a better place — for puppies, especially. And some people are yes and yes. These people are wonderful people and your life and work are better for having them in your life. Seek them out. Collaborate with them. Enjoy their company.

No, No — This is probably someone who shouldn't be in your life. You don't enjoy their company and they're not someone that you can rely on when you need someone to lend a hand.

No, Yes — Unfortunately, this person isn't that great of a hang, but they can be relied upon in a pinch. These are great people to have as neighbors.

Yes, No — These people are a lot of fun, but you can't depend on them to be there when you really need them. These are like drinking buddies.

Yes, Yes — These are the golden people that you should work to keep in your life.

The test is a great way to evaluate people in your life but it's also a way to look at ourselves. How would you rate yourself as a friend?

via Wikimedia Commons

Another fun way to evaluate people is a test I developed based on a quote by Oscar Wilde, the legendary 19th-century Irish poet, playwright, and author of "The Picture of Dorian Gray."

"It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious," Wilde once said.

Now, this test is more for those who aren't shopping around from someone to watch their puppy but want to find people who are the most enjoyable to spend time around. I picture it as a spectrum with charming on one side and tedious on the other.

Charming < ------------------------- > Tedious

Someone can have a great sense of humor and make you laugh (charming) but at the same time like to complain a whole lot (tedious). So they'd fall in the middle.

There are others who are nothing but a joy to be around and are self-aware enough not to impose their drama or neurotic tendencies on you. These people would fall on the charming end of the spectrum.

Then they are those people who bring little to the table in terms of good humor and likeability but have a whole lot of baggage. These people would be ranked further down the tedious scale.

To put things even more simply, as Wilde once said, "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."


This article originally appeared on 12.21.20

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Pop Culture

Therapist analyzes male 'Megamind' characters to explain why women reject 'nice guys'

"Nice Guy Syndrome" is a thing.

CinemaTherapy/YouTube

Nice isn't the same as good.

Have you ever heard a guy complain that women seem to reject them a lot, despite the fact that they're a nice guy? There may be multiple reasons for that, but if it happens a lot, "Nice Guy Syndrome" might be at play.

To illustrate Nice Guy Syndrome, licensed therapist Jonathan Decker and filmmaker Alan Seawright analyzed the male characters and how the primary love interest responded to them in the animated film "Megamind." Decker and Seawright use films to explore mental health and human behavior in their show "Cinema Therapy," which has 1.7 million followers on YouTube. Their breakdown of "Megamind" and Nice Guy Syndrome is one of their most popular episodes, which is a testament who how relatable it is.

After discussing how criminally underrated "Megamind" is as a film—so funny, with incredible writing and performances—Decker and Seawright dive into what makes the characters Hal (played by Jonah Hill) and Megamind (played by Will Ferrell) good examples of the difference between "nice guys" and "good guys." Both of these characters fall for Roxanne (played by Tina Fey) but only one of them proves worthy of her in the end. (Hint: It's not the nice guy.)

via GIPHY

Hal may be awkward, but he's "nice" in that he treats Roxanne well, at least on the surface. He's always doing things for her and complimenting her, trying to win her affections. But his niceness is transactional; he wants something from her and thinks being nice to her will eventually get it for him. He's not being nice for its own sake. When he gains superpowers and becomes "Titan," he assumes that Roxanne will want him, and we see how he feels entitled to her. He doesn't respect what she wants—in fact, he thinks she's delusional and that he needs to convince her that she should be with him.

Hal is "nice" but he's not good. Megamind is the opposite. Megamind starts off as a villain in the film, but as the story progresses, we see how he ended up in that position and how his true nature is actually good.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

"This is not a story of a villain reforming," Decker says. "He was always destined to be the hero, but he wasn't really given a chance to be. And that's one thing that I find really powerful about the story is this notion that I want to be good, but people won't let me. Or I want to be good, or because of certain things about me, people don't see who I really am."

"There's a difference between niceness and goodness," Decker says. "Goodness is for its own sake. And giving love is not the same thing as expecting it in return."

He then explains how "good" and "nice" mean different things when it comes to what you want for and from the other person.

"Good is I want you to be happy," he says. "It doesn't have to be with me. I would be thrilled if it was, but doesn't have to be with me. And also, I respect your right to make the choices you're going to make. Nice is not only are you making the wrong choice in being with that other guy, you should be with me. Nice lacks confidence and is looking for someone else to give it to them."

Decker shared that he speaks from experience on this topic, as he himself went through a phase of being a "nice guy," questioning why the women he was interested in always went for good-looking jerks when they should have been interested in him. It wasn't until someone felt entitled to his affections because she was good to him that he saw how terrible that felt on the receiving end.

via GIPHY

People in the comments loved the analysis and shared some thoughts of their own:

"Megamind’s 'villainy' is really just elaborate, over-the-top theatrics and we never even see anyone actually get hurt during them. Whereas, superpowers aside, Hal is the kind of villain that can and does exist in real life, and it makes him so much scarier."

"Megamind is a story about facades. Megamind created his evil persona as a way to push people away to hide how vulnerable he really is, whereas Hal created his nice guy persona to camouflage how despicable he is in an attempt to lure people closer."

"The interesting part to me is how Roxanne was always so kind to Hal despite his awkwardness and his selfishness. She was never dismissive or rude to him. Even in that tower scene where she's trying to explain to him what's going on, she never once raises her voice or gets impatient with him, it's him who gets worked up with her. And that's such a perfect depiction of real life. You can be so kind, and so polite, and it doesn't matter, because if someone has decided you owe them something, they're going to be angry at you just for existing if they don't get it."

"I like the part when Titan brings Roxanne the flowers. It shows how little he actually cares for her. He says he knows everything about her and then immediately after he says he doesn't know what kind of flowers she likes. He likes the idea of being with her but doesn't actually like her enough to learn about her."

Unfortunately, many women have had experience with "nice guys" who are not actually "good guys," and it's often not that hard to spot the difference. But the bottom line is that being good for goodness' sake will always be more attractive than being nice solely in order to get a woman's attention or win her affections.

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