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Person who uses a wheelchair shares tips for being less weird around them

"It's wild to me how often people will just roll me out of their way. Please don't do this."

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Image by Canva, Screenshot via @AdamHubrig/Twitter

A wheelchair user offered some helpful tips for how to interact with them in daily life.

One of the best things about social media—besides the hilarious cat videos—is how it gives us all an opportunity to learn from one another. The ability to share an experience or a piece of wisdom or advice and have it be carried far and wide can be incredibly useful, especially when it comes from someone whose voice may not be heard as often as it should.

A perfect example is a 2022 thread by Ada Hubrig (@AdamHubrig) on Twitter explaining how and how not to interact with a person in a wheelchair. Hubrig says using a wheelchair has been "life-changing in the best way" for them, but the way they are treated when they are using a wheelchair can be annoying, frustrating, hurtful or just downright weird.

Some people don't have regular interactions with people who use wheelchairs and may have questions about what's appropriate and what's not. Some people might make assumptions about people using wheelchairs or be completely oblivious to how their prejudices are impacting their behavior. Hubrig's thread not only clarified some common issues wheelchair users deal with, but also opened up the conversation for people to ask some of the less obvious questions.

Hubrig opened their thread by explaining that they actually love their wheelchair, as they can't stand or walk for more than 10 minutes without it. However, they loathe how people treat them when they're using it.

Then they shared some tips on how to do better:

"First, remember that wheelchair users are people," they wrote. "We are more similar to you than different, we're just sitting down while you're standing up. You're likely around other people who are sitting as you stand all the time. Don't make it weird."

"Second, remembering that we're people, respect our autonomy," they continued. "If we're speaking and you have a question for me, don't ask my partner who is standing. As an example, medical professionals will often ask my partner my symptoms when I am RIGHT THERE. Please notice us."

The third piece of advice was to never touch a person's wheelchair or other mobility or medical advice unless you have been given permission. Hubrig said that people will often just roll them out of the way.

Yeah, don't do that. You wouldn't pick up a standing person and move them out of the way (hopefully). Same concept.

Hubrig went on to explain that no one is entitled to anyone else's medical history or trauma. "I get that you may mean well, but asking 'what happened' can be more difficult for some people than you realize," they wrote. "It's a lot of emotional labor to answer."

On a related note, don't ask about people's genitals. Ever. Seriously.

A tip for parents: "Please don't let your kids crawl on me or my wheelchair. My wheelchair isn't a toy."

"I like kids mostly, I do," Hubrig wrote. "But even if we weren't in a pandemic, I don't want any stranger up in my personal space like that. Once a kid ripped my ostomy bag off me. No plz."

Also, don't make judgments about a person's need for the wheelchair. "Some wheelchair users, like myself, don't use the wheelchair full time," Hubrig wrote. "I can walk/stand about ten minutes at a time, and use a cane for short distances. If you see a wc user standing/using a cane/whatever, don't assume we're faking. We don't use a wc for fun."

Not being believed can be a major barrier to people with disabilities utilizing the tools they need to live as fully and functionally as possible. "I have talked to many people whose life would be better with a mobility device but they don't use one. Because of how we treat people who use mobility devices."

That is a tragedy.

Finally, Hubrig summed up the basics:

"1.) Wheelchair users/disabled people ARE people. Act as such.

2.) Mind your business."

Seems simple enough, but as we all know, humans have a remarkable ability to not follow simple instructions.

One of the common questions well-meaning people had was whether or not they should offer to help a person in a wheelchair if it appears they are struggling. On the one hand, you don't want to assume someone needs help just because they're in a wheelchair, but on the other, you don't want to leave them struggling if they do need help.

The consensus was that asking if someone needs help is almost always appropriate. Just don't assume they need help and jump in without asking (barring any obvious emergencies, of course).

Another question some had was whether it's appropriate to lean over or kneel down to talk to someone in a wheelchair. On the one hand, it might feel more respectful to put yourself on the same eye level as the person in the chair. On the other hand, you don't want to make them feel like you're infantilizing them. (This question was asked by a person who is hard of hearing, which adds another layer to the question as that's an accommodation that needs to be considered as well. But it was also asked by someone who simply wanted to know which wheelchair users preferred.)

Responses from wheelchair users varied a bit, but most agreed that standing was fine for brief exchanges, but pulling up a chair to talk to them at a similar height was appreciated for long conversations. It can be straining on the neck to look up at someone for long periods.

So much boils down to basic empathy and the Golden Rule. If you were using a wheelchair, what would feel rude or disrespectful or annoying? How would you want people to talk to or interact with you? The truth is any one of us may find ourselves with a disability that necessitates a mobility or medical device at some point in our lives, so the more we normalize accommodations and, you know, basic courtesy and compassion, the better off we'll all be.


This article originally appeared on 2.24.22

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Fed up parents explain why they 'never want to bring the kids over' to visit

Can't you guys come to us for once?

Photo by Johnny Cohen on Unsplash

It's a good news/bad news situation for parents of young kids.

The good news? Everyone wants to spend time with the kids! Grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends. They all want a relationship and lots of special moments with the little ones.

The bad news? One phrase:

"When are you bringing them over?"

Parents have been frustrated by the expectations of orchestrating stressful visits for generations — loading the kids in a car or on an airplane only to spend hours chasing them around in an un-baby-proofed environment and watching routines go to hell.

Now they're sounding off on social media and airing their grievances.

Why visiting grandparents and other relatives is so challenging for parents

A mom recently took to Reddit to vent about everyone in her life wanting her to "bring the kids to them."

"My parents live 30 mins away and always bug me about not coming to visit them," she writes. They constantly ask, "Why don't you bring our granddaughter to come see us?"

The fascinating discussion highlights a few things that make arranging visits with young kids a potential nightmare for parents.

Grandparents' houses are rarely childproofed

Grandparents love their breakable decor! Ceramic doo-dads, glass vases everywhere. They can't get enough. And while they should be able to decorate their house however they see fit (they've earned the right!) that doesn't make it a good environment for toddlers and babies.

Ceramic bowlsThe breakable decor found in every grandparents' houseozalee.fr/Flickr

"Last week was the last straw, I took my daughter to my parents and of course she went EVERYWHERE! flooded their toilet, broke a vase, and tried multiple times to climb their furniture," the Reddit mom writes.

Parents in a foreign environment are on constant safety duty and can rarely sit down

Let's be honest. Sometimes these "visits" are hardly worth the effort. After all, it's hard to get much catch up time when you're dutifully chasing your kid around.

"They don’t understand that my 3 yo ... is absolutely wild," writes another user in the thread. "She has no self preservation and nothing we do works. She doesn’t listen, she throws, she bites, she refuses to use the potty. It’s exhausting and then ... they expect us to entertain them, when I’m trying to just keep my kid from jumping off the stairs and into an ER visit."

Even just putting the kids in the car for a 20-minute drive is more work than it seems

Taking the kids out of the house requires packing a bag, bringing extra clothes, loading up on snacks, etc.

It seems easy to "pop over" but it actually absorbs the majority of the day between prep, visit, and aftermath.

Naps and routines go to hell

Parents with babies and toddlers know all too well — there is a price to pay for taking the kids out of the house for too long.

Chances are, the baby won't nap in a strange environment and then you're stuck with a cranky kid the rest of the night.

Kids with special needs require even more consistency

Kids with autism or ADHD can really struggle outside of their zone of safety. They might become severely dysregulated, have meltdowns, or engage in dangerous behaviors.

Explaining and mediating the generational divide

man in gray sweater sitting beside woman in black and white floral long sleeve shirt Photo by Tim Kilby on Unsplash

Why is this a conflict almost all parents can relate to?

Is this a Boomer vs Millennials thing?

Some experts think that generational values and traditions might play a role.

"Many Boomers were accustomed to more traditional, hierarchical family dynamics, where visiting grandparents was a way for the younger generation to show respect," says Caitlin Slavens, a family psychologist.

But that's not to say this is a new problem. I can remember my own parents driving me and my brothers over an hour to visit my grandparents seemingly every other weekend, but very few occasions where they came to visit us. It must have driven my parents nuts back then!

Plus, it's easy to forget that it's hard for older people to travel, too. They may have their own issues and discomforts when it comes to being away from their home.

"But for today’s parents, balancing careers, kids’ routines, and the demands of modern parenting is a much bigger undertaking. Grandparents might not always see how childproofing their space or making the trip themselves could make a huge difference, especially considering how travel and disruption can impact younger kids' moods and routines," Slavens says.

"So yes, this divide often comes down to different expectations and life experiences, with older generations potentially not seeing the daily demands modern families face."

Is there any hope for parents and grandparents coming to a better understanding, or a compromise?

"First, open conversations help bridge the divide—explain how much of a difference it makes when the kids stay in a familiar space, especially when they’re very young," suggests Slavens.

"Share practical details about the challenges, like childproofing concerns or travel expenses, to help grandparents see it from a parent’s perspective. You might even work together to figure out solutions, like making adjustments to create a more child-friendly space in their home or agreeing on a shared travel plan."

Ultimately, it's a good thing when grandparents, friends, and other relatives want to see the kids.

We all have the same goal.

"It’s helpful to approach the topic with empathy, focusing on everyone’s goal: more quality time together that’s enjoyable and low-stress for everyone involved. For parents, it’s about setting boundaries that work, and for grandparents, it’s about recognizing that flexibility can really show the parents that you are ... willing to make adjustments for their children and grandchildren."

Enjoyable, low-stress quality time — that's something everyone can get behind.

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History (Education)

The Swedish resistance to feeding guests may not actually be as rude as it seems

A viral post about Swedish households excluding guests from meals created a flurry of debate over cultural norms.

Photo by Gabriella Clare Marino on Unsplash, @SamQari/Twitter

Sweden's cultural norm of not feeding unexpected guests resulted in a flurry of debate over hospitality.

Growing up, I was taught that it was rude to slurp food at the dinner table. In most American households, if you ate a bowl of soup and audibly slurped the noodles out of your bowl, people would assume you never learned proper table manners.

As an adult, though, I lived in Japan for a year, where it is not only acceptable to slurp your noodles loudly around others, but it's actually considered good manners. Noodle slurping is an integral part of Japanese food culture, a norm that feels strange or even wrong to people from most other cultures.

This difference was the first thing that came to mind when I saw a flurry of debate recently about a Swedish cultural food norm that some people find downright appalling.

It all started with a viral Reddit post asking about the weirdest thing people have had to do in someone's home due to their culture or religion. One responder described being made to wait in a Swedish friend's bedroom while the friend had dinner with their family.

"While we were playing in his room, his mom yelled that dinner was ready. And check this. He told me to WAIT in his room while they ate," the person wrote.

Another comment followed describing a similar instance: "I slept over at a friend's house. When we woke up, he said he's going downstairs for a few minutes. After about 15 minutes I go on the stairs to see wtf is happening and they're eating breakfast. They see me and tell me he's almost done and will be up there soon."

Fast and furious responses followed, screenshots of the posts went viral on various social media platforms and the entire nation of Sweden took a beating as people berated their rude habits and lack of basic hospitality. The hashtag #Swedengate trended on Twitter for days as people shared all manner of negative impressions of (and in some cases, direct experiences from) Swedish culture.

I'm not here to defend Sweden wholesale, as I'm sure there are plenty of legitimate criticisms, as there are for every culture. However, when it comes to something like not feeding guests in your own home, it seems likely that there's some kind of explanation beyond "these people are just rude." Much like noodle slurping in Japan, one culture's rude can be another culture's polite.

As it turns out, there are a few explanations for it.

Part of Sweden's food culture is a combo of its long winters and culture of independence.

Professor Hakan Jonsson, a food studies professor at Lund University in Sweden, told The New York Times that some of the resistance to feeding guests stems from the days when food harvests had to be stored for many months during the long Nordic winter. Spontaneous dinners were traditionally not part of the culture, as families had to carefully plan and ration their food stores.

Independence is also a strong cultural value in Sweden, and rather than seen as generosity, feeding another person's child could be seen as a criticism of that family's ability to provide for their children.

“There has been a very strong urge of independence, to not rely on others’ good will for having a good and independent life,” Professor Jonsson told The Times.

(Hmm, now the entire IKEA model makes sense. Careful precision in design, but then, "Here, you're on your own to actually build it. Good luck.")

Others have shared similar explanations, saying that feeding someone else's child is in some ways considered rude, either because it's viewed as a judgment on the parents' ability to feed their children or as interfering with a family's own dinner.

"Swedes cook for the people they expect (family). Precise portions. We don't mind guests, just tell us in advance and we'll add one more. And in Sweden, it's understood, you don't eat at a friend's house unannounced. No big deal here," wrote one Twitter user.

Those explanations didn't stop people from cultures that place a high value on hospitality from criticizing the practice, of course. Not feeding a guest in your home is the peak of rudeness in certain cultures, so how could this practice be seen as OK in any way?

Part of Sweden's not-feeding-guests culture may be rooted in a history of shame for 'owing' people.

Another explanation shared on Twitter from an "amateur historian and sociologist" provides more historical context for the practice. It's a bit lengthy, but the gist is that this not-feeding norm isn't unique to Sweden, but common to Norse cultures in general and even somewhat common in Norman England and France. According to this explanation, it has to do with the historical "honor/shame economy" of Viking culture being a source of violent conflict.

"In Norse culture, hospitality (providing food, drink, lodging) was a duty of higher status individuals towards people of lower status, but the act of receiving hospitality created an obligation or debt on the part of the recipient," @WallySierk wrote. "So, hospitality not only brought honor to the giver, it had the potential to bring shame to the recipient. Norse culture, and as it progressed through the Middle Ages, was incredibly personally violent. People fought duels, violently extracted debts and squeezed renters."

"One of the challenges of the Protestant church in Scandinavia post-30 years war was to create a culture that tamped down on personal violence and civic unrest," they continued. "Since the root of a lot of the interpersonal violence was competition for status and extraction of payment, the Church, with the framing of early Protestant Humanists, began to promote the ideal of the free member of society, owing no one and owed nothing. If the culture could get rid of the interactions that caused friction, people could live more peaceful lives."

The thread explains that inequality and industrialization in the 1700s and early 1800s pushed Scandinavians to emigrate to America and other colonies, leading some people in power to manipulate debts, which created a lot of pain.

"When people were able to escape debt, they felt a lot better. So, for the sake of egalitarianism and reduction of conflict, they created a society that minimized the creation of debt and obligation, and maximized the ability of the individual/family to be self-sufficient. This 'not feeding the neighbor kids' weirdness Is about maintaining peace in the community."

From reading replies from Swedes, it appears this practice is common, but not necessarily universal. It also appears to be primarily about guests who are not planned for in advance, not a blanket "we don't do hospitality" norm. Still, it is a stark contrast to cultures in which offering food to any guest in your home is simply par for the course. The idea that you would not only not offer, but actively not serve a guest food is a complete anathema in many countries and cultures around the world.

But when you dig into the roots of why those norms exist, it's not quite as blatantly rude as it seems. Cultural norms rooted in historical struggle take a long time to change, even when those struggles are no longer front and center.

All I'm saying is let's give the Swedes a teensy bit of grace on the food front. They may come across as stingy to many of us, but in the context of their own history, it makes some sense. Plus those IKEA Swedish meatballs are hard to beat.


This article originally appeared on 6.3.22

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Busy mom overcome with emotion when elderly man says the perfect thing to her

He chose positivity and it made all the difference.

via Canva/Photos

A happy mother and her smiling child.

Parents of newborns know they are in the middle of a joyous and stressful era. But far too often, the people they run into choose to frame things negatively when talking to them about their young child. They’ll say things like, “Don’t worry, it gets better” or “Boy, do you have your hands full.”

That’s why Steph Morrison's video on TikTok touched so many hearts. It’s about the fantastic things that can happen when people choose to see things in a positive light instead of a negative one.

“The sweetest thing just happened,” Morrison begins in her video. “I was just finishing my walk and we were just pulling down our street and this old man, he stopped so we could walk by because we’ve got the double-wide stroller that takes up the whole space, and he goes ‘Wow! You’re going to have a lot of fun.’"

The comment blindsided Morrison because it reframed how she looks at being a parent.

@_stephmorrison_

I never would have guessed what the man would say nor did I ever predict tears would roll down my face like they did. Thankful for this sweet glimmer from God 🫶🏼✨ #momspiration #momsoftiktok #momsover30 #quotesforyou #momquotes #postpartumjourney #postpartumlife #happywords #happinessbegins #creatorsearchinsights

“I don’t know why I’m getting emotional telling you now. But most people say, ‘You’ve got your hands full’ and it’s my biggest pet peeve, but he was so sweet and I could, like, see the memories flash through his eyeballs as he said that to me: ‘You’re going to have a lot of fun.’”

“Like, dang! That’s the type of vibe and energy I’m going to bring to motherhood,” she continued. “I was having a really great time with the kids already, so I don’t know why I’m crying while telling you this. But if you’re a mother out there, I hope you’re having a lot of fun, too, because why not?”

Everyone knows that parenting can be hard. But it’s also filled with joy, laughter, hope, possibilities and new experiences. The elderly man’s comments were a great reminder to Morrison and her followers to focus on the joy and possibilities of being a parent instead of the challenges and hard work.



The video struck a chord with mothers in the comments who shared similar experiences.

“An older man in the grocery store stopped me when my son was 8 months old and said, ‘Young enough to still talk to the angels, put in a good word for me!’” Rachel wrote. “My only son is 7 months old. I can’t have any more kids due to life-threatening complications at birth. The other day, a man said to me, ‘He gets to have you all to himself. Isn’t that so special?’” Happy_Gilmoree added.

CaitlinPrice25 hit the nail on the head. “Society makes us feel like kids are a burden,” she wrote. “Just a little change of perspective can make all the difference.”

A positive mindset can make life much easier for parents, but it’s also great for their children. Children look to their parents and model their behavior; those with a positive attitude are likely to raise happy, optimistic children. “A mother’s ability to model positivity becomes a powerful tool in shaping a child’s character, fostering qualities such as kindness, compassion, and a positive outlook on life,” The Motherhood Center in Houston, Texas, writes.

The story also reminds everyone, whether they are parents or not, of the importance of leading with positivity when dealing with others. The man could have said something cliché such as “I hope you’re getting enough sleep,” but instead, he reminded Morrison of the joy of parenting, and she made his remark her north star. That’s the power of positivity.

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Joy

It took 343 embroiderers in 46 countries 13 years to make one absolutely stunning dress

A truly global, multicultural endeavor.

Photo by Karly Santiago on Unsplash

Women from around the world helped create the Red Dress as a collective embroidery project.

Few things bring people together more beautifully than art. Whether it's music, sculpture, paint or fabric, the arts are a way for us to express ourselves, our cultures and our common humanity.

But rarely do we witness one singular piece of art truly encapsulating the creativity of our human family.

At first glance, the dress created for the Red Dress project is quite obviously stunning. It looks as though it could be worn by a royal—though a royal from where? The style, colors and patterns of the dress don't shout any particular country or culture; in fact, we can point to different elements of it and say it looks like it belongs on any continent.

There's a reason for that. The dress is made out of 84 pieces of burgundy silk dupion, which have spent the past 13 years being sent around the world to be embroidered by 343 people from 46 countries—a truly global, multicultural creation.

Of those 343 embroiderers, 136 were commissioned artisans who were paid for their work and receive a portion of all ongoing exhibition fees. The rest were volunteers who contributed their stitches at events in various countries. Just seven of the embroiderers were men.

British textile artist Kirstie Macleod conceived the project in 2009 as "an investigation into identity, with a desire to connect with women from the around without borders and boundaries." The basic design started as a sketch on the back of a napkin and has grown into a tangible garment that is not only a gorgeous work of art but a platform for women around the world and from all walks of life to express themselves and have their voices heard.

As shared on the project's website:

"Embroiderers include female refugees from Palestine and Syria, women seeking asylum in the UK from Iraq, China, Nigeria and Namibia, victims of war in Kosovo, Rwanda, and DR Congo; impoverished women in South Africa, Mexico, and Egypt; individuals in Kenya, Japan, Turkey, Sweden, Peru, Czech Republic, Dubai, Afghanistan, Australia, Argentina, Switzerland, Canada, Tobago, Vietnam, Estonia, USA, Russia, Pakistan, Wales, Colombia and England, students from Montenegro, Brazil, Malta, Singapore, Eritrea, Norway, Poland, Finland, Ireland, Romania and Hong Kong as well as upmarket embroidery studios in India and Saudi Arabia."

On Instagram, Kirstie Macleod shared a panel of the dress that was embroidered by two women in Kosovo, who shared some of their reflections on their experiences in the war there.

They stitched words into the birds they embroidered:

"Better one winter in your own country than a hundred springs away."

"The greatest wealth is to live content with little."

"Freedom has come. Love yourself first."

"Love all. Trust some. Hate none."

"A winter is a winter. Be nice, everyone."

"We live in peace now."

The creation of the dress began in 2009 and was completed in 2022. Each woman embroidered a piece of her own story into the dress, which contains millions of stitches. From established professional artisans to first-time embroiderers, the women were encouraged to share something that expressed their personal identities as well as their cultures. Some used traditional embroidery styles that had been practiced for hundreds of years where they are from. Others stitched in meaningful elements of their life stories. Some of the women are also using textile work to rebuild their lives and earn a consistent living.

The dress is on tour, being displayed in museums and galleries around the world. The photos showing women of various ages and ethnicities wearing the dress are made all the more moving knowing the history of how and by whom it was made.

Absolutely stunning. What a wonderful idea to connect women in a way that lets them share their stories and showcases and beautifully honors them.

This article originally appeared on 8.20.22

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Humor

Teacher returns from maternity leave to field hilariously sweet questions from her class

Who better to ask where babies come from than a second grade teacher?

Photo by Andrew Seaman on Unsplash

Curious second graders ask questions about pregnancy.

Whoa, baby! Fielding questions about where babies come from can be a full-time job, especially when you’ve got a classroom full of curious kids. Most times, this big question is left to the parents, who sometimes give elaborate answers that they invariably need to correct when the child is older. I’ve heard parents tell kids that babies come from watermelon seeds that get accidentally swallowed or that a stork drops babies off on doorsteps (I’ve yet to hear where the stork gets this unsuspecting child). People can spin some tall tales in an effort to avoid answering the question of where babies come from and how they get out.

In 2022, A K-5 science teacher in North Carolina decided she was going to answer questions from her curious second grade class with age-appropriate truthful answers. Nancy Bullard was preparing for maternity leave with her first child and realized she would need to inform her class that she would be out for a few months so they wouldn’t be concerned.

Bullard told Today Parents, "I didn’t want them to get caught off guard when I stopped coming to school. Plus, I wanted to reassure them that my leave was temporary." Bullard has a rotating group of students that come through her science lab weekly and she decided to turn her expected absence into a lesson she titled “Baby Bonanza.” During the lesson, the kids were able to draw the baby and guess his birthday, weight and time of birth.

Bullard also said the students gave her very cute parenting advice and tips on how to be a good mom. Some of this included singing the baby a song to throwing a piece of cheese on its face. The cheese was inspired by a TikTok video, the child admitted, but other gems included feeding and changing the baby, while one child suggested running away if the baby started crying.

When Mrs. B. returned to work after welcoming her first child, Sam, a baby boy, the kids were ready to learn more, and Mrs. B did not disappoint. Bullard told Today Parents, "I wanted to take a few minutes to catch up with students, introduce them to my son, and let them ask questions. When I wrote my lesson plan for this day I planned to spend about five minutes answering questions, but ended up spending nearly 20 minutes doing so."

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The students were filled with curiosity when their teacher returned. One asked “Is it difficult to have a baby?” to which Mrs. B. responded, “Yeah, yeah it is. It’s pretty tough.” Another student asked if the baby slept with his mom and dad, while another wanted to know the big question. You know: Where do babies come from? Without missing a beat, Bullard answered like the science teacher she is, with “They come from an organ called your uterus,” while pointing to her lower belly.

Bullard explained to Today that she taught a lesson earlier in the year about organs and organ function to her kids in K-5. “Regardless of age, all my students understand the basic concept of pregnancy: There was a baby inside me, now that baby is out, and I spent maternity leave taking care of him … Students were interested, curious, and excited to get their questions answered," the new mom said. "As a science teacher, I welcome curiosity and always strive to answer questions factually."

The elementary science teacher shared the video on TikTok and Instagram, “Mrs. B TV,” where the video has racked up more than 7 million views across the two platforms.

May all children be so lucky as to have a Mrs. B. at some point in their school career.


This article originally appeared on 4.5.22

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