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We lost a lot of icons in 2016. Here are 10 wonderful things you may not know they did.

On the first day of filming "Star Wars," George Lucas walked up to Carrie Fisher to explain why Princess Leia couldn’t wear a bra.

From her memoir, "Wishful Drinking":


"'You can't wear a bra under that dress.'

So, I say, 'Okay, I'll bite. Why?'

And he says, 'Because ... there's no underwear in space. What happens is you go to space and you become weightless. So far so good, right? But then your body expands??? But your bra doesn't — so you get strangled by your own bra.'

Now I think that this would make for a fantastic obit — so I tell my younger friends that no matter how I go, I want it reported that I drowned in moonlight, strangled by my own bra."





Let’s just say it. 2016 has been the kind of year that people compare to giant, flaming containers of garbage.  

Carrie Fisher was strangled by her own bra. The election was ugly. World events were uglier. And when it comes to beloved icons, it was like 2016 had a grudge against humanity and was actively plotting against our most beloved pop culture icons.

And while everyone knows what they are best known for, here are 10 important things you may not have known about many of our most beloved icons this year.

1.  Carrie Fisher was a screenwriter who secretly fixed other people’s broken movies.

As a kid, I only knew her as Princess Leia, the leader of the Resistance with flawless aim and passion for rebellion and freedom. It wasn't until later that I learned about the layers of depth she had within her. First and foremost, Carrie Fisher was a writer.

Photo by Jesse Grant/Getty Images for Disney.

She spent much of her career doing nearly anonymous work, quietly fixing movies, as one of the most sought after script doctors in Hollywood. She fixed movies like "Hook," "The Wedding Singer," and "Lethal Weapon III." She added jokes. She'd flesh out two-dimensional women characters. She wrote books. She spoke openly about mental illness. She also happened to be one of the funniest people in Hollywood. And the only one to drown in moonlight, strangled by her own bra.

2. Prince was legendary ... at quietly giving to local charities.

Prince is considered one of the greatest rock stars of all time.

Photo via Chelsea Lauren/Getty Images for NPG Records.

But according to EOnline, he was also a remarkable philanthropist. He funded YesWeCode, an organization that helps kids become coders. The State reported that he donated $250,000 to the Eau Claire Promise Zone in Columbia, South Carolina, which helps fund childhood education. Another news organization reported that he donated $1,000,000 to the Harlem Children’s Zone. He was passionate about Black Lives Matter, too, fundraising and performing for their cause before he died.

3. Gene Wilder was not just Willy Wonka. He also testified before Congress to help fund cancer research.

Gene Wilder was an alcoholic gunslinger in "Blazing Saddles," a mad scientist in "Young Frankenstein," and a sketchy producer in the show (cleverly named) "The Producers."

Photo via M.J. Kim/Getty Images.

And of course, he also played a disturbed candy company wizard named Willy Wonka. His professional life was going amazingly well, and then his personal life got even better. When Gene Wilder met "Saturday Night Live" cast member Gilda Radner in 1981 on the set of the movie "Hanky Panky," he knew he had found his true love. She was funny, charismatic, and lit up any room she was in. When she died from misdiagnosed ovarian cancer, he was struggling to find meaning, to make sure her suffering never harmed anyone else ever again. From an essay he published in People magazine:

"For weeks after Gilda died, I was shouting at the walls. I kept thinking to myself, 'This doesn't make sense.' The fact is, Gilda didn’t have to die. But I was ignorant, Gilda was ignorant—the doctors were ignorant. She could be alive today if I knew then what I know now.

Gilda might have been caught at a less-advanced stage if two things had been done: if she had been given a ... blood test as soon as she described her symptoms to the doctors instead of 10 months later, and if the doctors had known the significance of asking her about her family’s history of ovarian cancer. But they didn’t. So Gilda went through the tortures of the damned and at the end, I felt robbed."

He wanted to channel his pain into something productive. He helped Cedars-Sinai Medical Centre create the Gilda Radner Ovarian Cancer Detection Program. He also helped start Gilda’s Clubs and according to The Los Angeles Times, his congressional testimony helped fund $30 million in cancer research.

4. David Bowie started an internet service provider before it was cool.

David Bowie was a rock legend, even among rock legends. He was always on the bleeding edge of rock music. He created characters. He pushed the boundaries of music and influenced musicians in every genre.

Photo by Carl Court/Getty Images.

But you know what else he did?

While other rock stars were scared of the internet, before most people even had access to internet, in 1998, David Bowie started BowieNet, a place for Bowie fans to access to the internet AND have a rockstar email address. He moved on. And became a goblin king or something. Because he’s David Bowie.

5. George Michael was a proud gay icon and a musical legend but stayed quiet about his charitable work.

George Michael was known for his LGBTQ rights advocacy, HIV/AIDS fundraising work, his strong political beliefs, and his pop hits ranging from "Father Figure" to "Faith" to "Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me."

Photo by Peter Macdiarmid/Getty Images.

But what wasn’t known about him, prior to his death, was his anonymous kindness and charity to everyday folks.The New York Daily News compiled a list of people who came forward after his death to share the kindness he didn’t want publicity for in life. He had given millions to Childline, a children’s charity. He once gave a free concert to the nurses who took care of his ailing mother. He volunteered, anonymously, at a homeless shelter. He once tipped a waitress $5,000 because she was in debt and a nursing student. I have faith there are others out there who were on the receiving end of his generosity that we’ll never know about.

6. Vera Rubin was not just a science legend, but also a witty crusader for women’s equality.

Vera Rubin may not be in the celebrity magazines, but she’s a astronomer and visionary who confirmed significant scientific findings and who dealt with sexism with bluntness and wit.

Photo by Carnegie Institution of Washington.

She was the first female astronomer to observe the skies at Caltech’s Observatory, but there was no women’s bathroom at the observatory, so she cut out a little paper doll of a dress and slapped it on the men’s room door. She said, "There you go; now you have a ladies’ room."

And more importantly, she confirmed the existence of dark matter and has been hailed by many in the scientific community of someone who deserves the Nobel Prize for physics, which no woman has won in 50 years.

7. Muhammad Ali was an incredible fighter but, more importantly, also a civil rights activist.

Muhammad Ali was the greatest. He told you that. And it also was true. And while many people remember him for his achievements in the ring and his lighting of the Olympic torch at the 1996 summer Olympics in Atlanta, most people tend to gloss over the other side of his story.

Photo via Kent Gavin/Keystone/Getty Images.

He was an unapologetic civil rights activist who refused to fight in the Vietnam War. In his words:

"My conscience won't let me go shoot my brother or some darker people or some poor, hungry people in the mud for big, powerful America. And shoot them for what? They never called me nigger, they never lynched me, they didn't put no dogs on me, they didn't rob me of my nationality, rape and kill my mother and father. Shoot them for what? How can I shoot them poor people? Poor little black people and babies and children and women. How can I shoot them poor people? Just take me to jail."

He was stripped of his title and banned from boxing for that. He also was banned from traveling overseas. So he spent four years speaking out at colleges to earn money and bring attention to the issues that almost no one was willing to address. In 1971, the Supreme Court overruled his draft dodging conviction and he returned to regain his title.

8. Ron Glass was a fictional cop, a fictional space priest, and a real-life college education fan.

If you aren’t totally sure why Ron Glass’s name sounds familiar, let me refresh your memory. If you grew up in the 1970s, you might know him as Detective Ron Harris from "Barney Miller." If you grew up in the 2000s, if you are like me, then you love him for his role as space preacher Shepard Book on "Firefly." But if you are a kid living in poverty who up in Los Angeles from 1992 until now, you probably know Ron Glass as the guy who spent over 20 years mentoring children and making sure hundreds of them got the resources to go to college.

After witnessing the Rodney King riots, he wanted to make an impact on the community. So he joined the board of the Wooten Center, which helps kids get on the path to a college education. He started mentoring and reading to kids, emceeing events, raising money, and getting kids the resources they needed. You can donate in his name here.

9. Harper Lee wrote one of the most important books ever. (And one of the best snarky letters ever.)

In 1966, the Hanover County School Board in Richmond, Virginia, took offense to Harper Lee’s pivotal work "To Kill a Mockingbird."

Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images.

To them, the coarse language and discussion of racial  was, according to one board member, "immoral literature." They unanimously voted to ban it. When Harper Lee found out, she decided to voice her expert opinion in an open letter to the editors of the local paper, the Richmond News Leader.  It read:

"Recently I have received echoes down this way of the Hanover County School Board's activities, and what I've heard makes me wonder if any of its members can read.

Surely it is plain to the simplest intelligence that 'To Kill a Mockingbird' spells out in words of seldom more than two syllables a code of honor and conduct, Christian in its ethic, that is the heritage of all Southerners. To hear that the novel is "immoral" has made me count the years between now and 1984, for I have yet to come across a better example of doublethink.

I feel, however, that the problem is one of illiteracy, not Marxism. Therefore I enclose a small contribution to the Beadle Bumble Fund that I hope will be used to enroll the Hanover County School Board in any first grade of its choice."



According to the story, Lee included $10 for The News Leader’s Bumble Fund, which distributed 50 free copies of the book to Hanover students. The fund, named after a character in Charles Dickens’ "Oliver Twist" who proclaimed "the law is a ass," was started in 1959 by News Leader Editor James J. Kilpatrick "to redress ludicrous cases of patent injustice."

A month later, the board un-banned the book and claimed they never intended to in the first place. We’ll miss you, Harper Lee.

10. Gwen Ifill was a crack journalist but a private mentor to dozens and dozens more.

Gwen Ifill worked at The Baltimore Evening Sun. She did a stint at The Washington Post. She reported for The New York Times. She hosted "Washington Week" for 17 years. She hosted "NewsHour" for the last three years as half of the first all-woman national network news anchor team. She was, simply put, a legend.

I recently had the opportunity to meet Gwen Ifill. The 2016 presidential debates were around the corner. I asked her, "Knowing that candidates tend to ignore questions if they don't want to answer them, with the bizarre election we are currently in, how do you deal with a candidate who refuses to answer questions, or makes up facts out of whole cloth?"

Her response impressed me. This isn't verbatim, but essentially, she said trying to get candidates to answer questions they are trained to dodge is a waste of time. You can try a follow up, and if they still dodge, then you gently acknowledge to the audience that you're on the same page as them. Let the audience know you know the candidate didn't answer. Then move on to the next thoughtful question.

Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images for "Meet the Press."

During the taping, on a break, she specifically sought out and took time to meet a young woman of color studying to be a reporter. Then I discovered what many already knew, that it’s something she actively did her entire career. She took her job as a role model and mentor very seriously. So much so that a vast community of journalists wrote about how she helped them get to where they are after she died.

Gwen Ifill had a pretty damn impressive career, but what’s more impressive are the dozens of journalists of color she mentored and inspired whose work will live on as a testament to her selflessness and passion.

Just to say it, I’m super ready for 2016 to be over.

It’s hard to say goodbye to so many powerful icons of our culture, but it’s encouraging to know their good works will love on well past their own lives.Obviously, this isn’t a comprehensive list. Many other great people were lost. Who meant the most to you and why? When you share it, let us know.

@callmebelly/TikTok

An excellent reminder to show kindness and patience.

Listening to a baby cry during a flight might be aggravating, but it’s nothing compared to the moans, groans, and eyerolls that the baby's parents must endure from other passengers when it happens. No matter what tips and tricks are used to try to soothe a little one’s temperament while 30,000 miles in the air, crying is almost inevitable. So, while having to ease their own child’s anxiety, moms and dads also must suffer being the pariah of the trip. What a nightmare.

Recently, one mom was apparently trying so hard to avoid upsetting her fellow flight members that she went above and beyond to essentially apologize ahead of time if her baby began to cry on its first flight. It was a gesture that, while thoughtful, had folks really feeling for how stressed that poor mom must be.

In a clip posted to his TikTok, one of the passengers—Elliot—explained that the mom handed out small care packages to those nearby.

“She’s already so busy and took the time to make these bags for everyone,” Elliot said, before panning the camera to reveal a Ziplock bag full of candy, along with a note that made him “want to cry.”

The note read: “It’s my first flight. I made a deal to be on my best behaviour—but I can’t make any guarantees. I might cry if I get scared or if my ears start to hurt. Here are some treats to make your flight enjoyable. Thank you for being patient with us. Have a great flight.”

Like Elliot, those who watched the video felt some ambivalence at the well intentioned act. Many felt remorse that she would feel the need to appease people in this way.

“This is so sweet but also … kind of breaks my heart that we live in a world in which parents feel the need to do that.”

“Because jerk people have shamed parents into believing that they need to apologize for their kids' absolutely normal behavior. What a gem of a mom.”

“You know that sweet mom worried about this trip so much.”

“That poor mom probably spent nights awake … nervous about that flight, thinking of ways to keep strangers happy.”

"That's a mom trying so hard."

Many rallied behind the mom, arguing that making others feel more comfortable with her child being on board was in no way her responsibility.

“No mom should be apologizing. Adults can control their emotions … babies not …. Hugging this mom from a distance.”

“Dear new parents: no you don’t have to do this. Your babies have the right to exist. We all know babies cry. We know you try your best.”

Luckily, there are just as many stories of fellow passengers being completely compassionate towards parents with small children—from simply choosing to throw on their headphones during a tantrum (instead of throwing one themselves) to going out of their way to comfort a baby (and taking the load of a parent in the process). These little acts of kindness make more of an impact than we probably realize. Perhaps if we incorporated more of this “it takes a village” mindset, flying could be a little bit more pleasant for everyone involved.

Community

Tim Tebow's Night to Shine event celebrated over 100,000 people with special needs

"Lord willing, we won’t stop until every person with special needs knows their worth," Tebow tells Upworthy.

The Tebow Group

Tim Tebow poses with Night to Shine attendee in Thailand.

The red carpets were rolled out around the world last Friday, February 7th, for a very special celebration of over 100,000 people with special needs at the Tim Tebow Foundation's 11th Annual Night to Shine event. Former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow founded Night to Shine in 2015 to center on celebrating, honoring and valuing people with special needs.

Held on one night, always the Friday before Valentine's Day, his Tim Tebow Foundation partners with local churches, providing support and resources to host a cost-free prom honoring individuals living with disability in their local communities. Anyone ages 14 and older is welcome to attend, where attendees enjoy a fun-packed evening that includes: a red carpet with paparazzi, hair and makeup stations, shoeshines, limousine rides, karaoke, gifts, a catered dinner, a Sensory Room, a Respite Room for parents and caregivers, and loads of dancing.

At its founding, Night to Shine was held solely in the United States at 44 different locations. Now in its eleventh year, Night to Shine has grown to 821 host churches in all 50 states—and has continued to expand internationally. This year, 62 countries worldwide hosted Night to Shine celebrations. Tebow celebrated this year's Night to Shine in Thailand and Vietnam, while his wife Together with his wife, Demi-Leigh Tebow, celebrated in her home country of South Africa.

“It was so awesome seeing Night to Shine in new countries this year—and to have the honor of celebrating in Vietnam for the first time!" Tebow tells Upworthy.

red carpet, tim tebow, night to shineRed carpet at Tim Tebow Foundation's Night to Shine.Jensen Sutta

Night to Shine's international presence expanded to several new countries for the 2025 celebration, including:

"What an unforgettable night at Night to Shine in Cape Town!" Demi-Leigh Tebow tells Upworthy. "This event means so much to me for so many reasons. Some of you may know that my little sister, Franje, was born with special needs, and learning about Night to Shine back in 2018 was actually how I met Tim!"

Currently expecting the couple's first child, Demi-Leigh Tebow will be a mom at next year's celebration—something she's eagerly awaiting.

"Since then, I’ve been incredibly blessed to meet countless Kings and Queens from all over the world—each one so valuable and deeply loved by God. But getting to celebrate this night in my home country was incredibly special. My heart is so full and I’m already looking forward to doing it all again next year!” she says.

demi leigh tebow, tim tebow, night to shineDemi -Leigh Tebow at Night to Shine 2024 in South Africa.The Tebow Group

After a night full of partying, Night to Shine concludes with a 'crowning' of the Kings and Queens with crowns and tiaras to signify a declaration of worth and love. "We crown every Night to Shine honored guest the King or Queen because that's how God sees them," Tebow wrote in an Instagram video montage of this year's crowning's.

In another post, he added, "For many, it's the first they've ever felt truly celebrated, especially by someone outside their family. But that's exactly why Night to Shine exists--to remind them that they are God's beloved royalty, seen and cherished by Him every single day."

Tebow's goal is to have Night to Shine in every country. Next year, Night to Shine will be held on Feb. 13, 2026. If you are interest in hosting a Night to Shine event in 2026, you can find more information here.

"Lord willing, we won’t stop until every person with special needs knows their worth—until the abandoned are embraced, the forgotten are celebrated, the overlooked are seen, and all people experience the radical love of Jesus," Tebow tells Upworthy.

@cosmo_andtheoddparents/TikTok

He wuvs his vet.

Not every dog might jump with joy after seeing their vet out in public. But for Cosmo the Golden Retriever, it was practically Christmas all over again when he spotted his own vet, Dr. Jones, at a brewery.

In an adorable clip posted to TikTok, we see Cosmo in pure, unadulterated bliss as he snuggles with an equally happy Dr. Jones, who, considering he’s still in his scrubs, might have just gotten out of work to grab a quick pint.

Watch:

Ugh, the cuteness is too much to handle! People in the comments could barely contain their secondhand joy.

“He looked over like, “Mom, do you see who this is?” one person wrote, while another said, “What in the Hallmark movie? Adorable!!”

One person even joked, “Did we all check the vet’s hand for a wedding ring? (Said as a married woman. Looking out for you all, or something.)”

According to Hannah Dweikat, Cosmo’s owner, the two actually share quite a history. She tells Upworthy that when Cosmo was but a wee pup, he “gave a scare” after eating a Sago Palm seed, which are highly toxic to dogs, from a plant in their backyard, which of course resulted in him being rushed to the animal hospital and staying there over the weekend.

While that’s every pet owner’s worst nightmare, and certainly a scary situation for the poor fur baby, Dweikat says that “the calm and patient demeanor” of Dr. Jones and his staff put Cosmo at ease. And because of this, “Cosmo has always loved going to see his friends—especially because they give him lots of treats and snuggles.”

Cosmo and Dr. Jones’ buddyship has also blossomed thanks to proximity, as Dweikat only lives down the street from the clinic. “Which means we get to see Dr. Jones and his staff out in public at times and Cosmo takes every chance he can get to say hi,” she explains. This time, however, she was able to capture it all on video. Yay for us!

What makes a good vet?

While not every vet, however gifted, will be able to elicit this type of reaction from their patients, having a calming presence like Dr. Jones is certainly a good sign for pet owners to be on the lookout for when shopping around for their own vet. But that’s not the only quality a good vet needs. According to Saint Matthews University, a vet also needs to have high stamina (both physically and mentally), as well as an ability to tolerate unpleasant situations (you can’t faint at the sight of blood or vomit), a high level of emotional intelligence (maybe all doctors should possess this skill, but especially those who work with animals), adaptability, a sense of enthusiasm, and finally, excellent communication skills.

Dr. Jones seems to have these attributes in spades, and his patients clearly love him for it. None so much as Cosmo, obviously.

By the way, if you’re in need of even more content featuring this precious pup, you can follow Cosmo on both TikTok and Instagram.

Parenting

3 things I learned from my kid's ADHD therapy that every parent needs to know

Parent Child Interaction Therapy was the ultimate crash course in parenting a stubborn child.

Unsplash and Evan Porter/Upworthy

Learning more means doing better for everyone.

We knew our now 4-year-old daughter was different very early on in her life. On her first birthday, she had another 1-year-old friend over to play in the backyard (it was COVID times, so there was no big party with all of her daycare friends). The boy, a neighbor of ours, sat and played in the baby pool for a solid hour without moving or making much of a peep. Our daughter, meanwhile, stripped off her swim diaper and spent the entire afternoon wandering around the yard, rolling in grass, swinging sticks around, and generally making mayhem. Making mayhem pretty much became her norm for the next few years. She slept poorly, had multiple meltdowns every day, and was so defiant my wife and I were left completely exasperated and in tears most days.

It wasn’t too long before we started to look into parenting coaching to get a grip on her behavior and regain some sense of normalcy in our lives. The stuff that had worked with our older daughter had been a colossal failure thus far. I loved our parenting coach and her ideas. Talking to her was almost like therapy for us. But her techniques didn’t work either. Then we tried Occupational Therapy. Our daughter loved going because she got to climb around on obstacle courses and play fun games that were meant to work on her vestibular system and help her feel more calm and grounded, but we never saw much of a difference in her.

gif of a a tired man falling to the floorWe were exhausted.Giphy

Finally, we took the plunge and did a full-scale psychiatric evaluation, and the results showed that she had ADHD. It confirmed what we pretty much already knew. We thought we’d be going down the medication road sooner than later, but our doctor actually recommended a specific kind of therapy. It was called PCIT.

Parent Child Interaction Therapy promised to ‘train’ us on how to better interact with our daughter. Great, more parenting coaching, we thought. Another person to tell us that we need to be more consistent, apply more discipline, and yadda yadda yadda. But we didn’t have any other options, so we gave it a try.

In short, and to our complete surprise, PCIT has been a life-changer. When it was described to us as coaching or training, they really weren’t kidding. We spent several sessions in the office with our daughter while literally being observed with a camera and fed lines through a headset! As of this writing, we’ve been practicing the techniques for several months and we’ve seen a big difference. At so many points throughout the therapy, my wife and I agreed that all parents with stubborn kids should go through this program.

Here are just a few of the things we learned that helped us immediately in our daily life with a super defiant, too-smart-for-her-own-good, highly dysregulated kiddo.

1. The magic of 'Special Time'

boy playing with  blocks on white wooden table Photo by Ryan Fields on Unsplash

Our first task in PCIT was to have more positive interactions with our daughter. We spent so much of our time telling her, "No," reprimanding her, arguing, bargaining, negotiating, and punishing that it was making it really hard to take any joy in being her parent.

So, our therapist introduced us to a concept called Special Time. For just five minutes every day, we were instructed to give our daughter our undivided attention and fill her with as much positive energy as possible. There were extremely specific ways that we did this, and, in fact, we even practiced and were measured in the therapy setting on how well we implemented all the techniques! But during Special Time, we play with our daughter one-on-one and let her lead the interaction. Our job is to play along. Meanwhile, we shower her with praise (“Wow, I love how nicely you’re sharing the toys with me!”), touch or speak to her affectionately (“I’m having so much fun playing with you”), imitate the way she played and even echo things she said back to her to let her know she was being heard and listened to. Doing Special Time made a huge difference, almost immediately, in reducing her negative attention seeking behaviors.

And we always feel good at the end of it, which helps offset the stress and frustration of our many conflicts. If you’ve got a kid that sometimes acts out for attention, pre-emptively giving them lots and lots of positive attention might help.

2. The Time Out flow chart

I think a lot of parents can relate when I say that, for years, we found implementing punishments with our daughter to be a disaster most of the time. With a stubborn and dysregulated kid, doing things like taking a toy away or doing 'No Dessert' would almost always cause an explosion, and/or end up hurting us more than it hurt her.

A lot of parenting experts have their own approach to Time Out, but not many of them are clinically validated like the one used in PCIT. When we learned how to do Time Out properly, Time Out became the primary 'punishment' we use. When she doesn't do what we clearly ask her to do, or she breaks a House Rule (like 'No Hitting'), she goes into Time Out. Once she's ready to do the thing we asked, she can come out of Time Out and the conflict is over. She can go right back to playing or having dessert. It’s so much simpler.

Although, when I first saw the flow chart for how Time Out worked, it looked like anything but simple.

a flow chart about how to handle Time Out in PCITIt looks complicated at first, but it's actually simpler and more effective than we thought.Evan Porter/Upworthy

Seeing this flow chart at first was incredibly overwhelming! But with a little practice, it made sense. The first couple times using the Time Out sequence at home were a little rough, but after a little while of being consistent with it, just the threat of it is usually enough to get our daughter back on the right track.

Even if you don't follow the brain-dizzying flow chart above, I think all parents could benefit from learning a consistent Time Out sequence that ends with your child complying every single time without fail. It's tough! Sometimes it takes a while and you have to be a little stubborn yourself in order to see it all the way through to the end, but the investment is worth it.

3. Active Ignoring

This one is a little controversial in some circles but we found it to be an excellent tool to have in our toolbox. Our therapist even told us that if she could teach her patients just one thing, it would be how and when to use Active Ignoring or Selective Attention.

A handout from UC Davis describes this technique as: "We use Selective Attention to deal with behaviors that are minor, irritating, and inappropriate. Ignoring these behaviors is an active way to correct them! You will strategically use the technique to stop specific behaviors," like whining, sulking, screaming, being clingy, lying, and more. The idea is that these behaviors are attention-seeking so any kind of attention only fans the flames and rewards them.

gif of a woman trying to get a man's attentionSometimes being unbothered works.Giphy

When our daughter is fussy, irritated, and whiny, we first try to help her regulate. One of the best ways we learned to do this (again, through PCIT!) is with leading by example. We used to bombard her with calming options. “Want to color? Want a snack? Oh, let’s walk outside! How about a drink of water? What if we put on some music?” And of course she would just say No, No, No!!!! And then we’d wonder why we could never get her to calm down by coloring. It turns out that sometimes what works way better, and is less overwhelming for her, is if we just calmly get out all the supplies and start coloring ourselves. She’ll almost always join in when she’s ready.

But if we just can't shake the grumpiness and whining and tantrums, we'll turn to Active Ignoring. This approach has two big benefits. Number one, it stops the conflict from escalating further. We used to get into these cycles where everything we would try to say or do would just make the tantrums worse to the point they became full-blown nuclear explosions. By just walking away, we were able to nip a lot of those in the bud. Number two, ignoring helps keep us calm. Yes, parents are human beings that get frustrated and angry and upset, too! And when those emotions start to pile up, it makes everything worse. Having the freedom to just turn away or walk away or stop talking has done wonders for our mental health.

Sometimes, some of the techniques we've learned in therapy feel "mean." We're not able to be as flexible and gentle sometimes as we'd like to do, but that's because flexible and gentle is not what our daughter needs most of the time. She needs us to be strong and consistent. That makes us reliable and safe, and it helps keep her regulated. The techniques taught in PCIT won't be right for every kid or every family, but it was right for us.

I was as skeptical going into all of this as anyone, but going through the therapy has allowed us to enjoy being her parents so much more. She's the sweetest kid and one of the funniest people on the planet. She brings so much fun and laughter to our lives, and it's been absolutely amazing to spend less time butting heads with her and more time soaking in her incredible energy.

Image credit: Cinema Therapy/YouTube

Mother Gothel's gaslighting of Rapunzel badly messed with her head.

If you've never been a victim of serious gaslighting, count yourself fortunate. Few experiences are as confusing and disturbing as a narcissist making you doubt your reality, question your judgment, and believe you can't trust your own mind. Gaslighting messes with you psychologically, making you feel more and more dependent on the gaslighter, but all the while what they're doing is giving you their own version of reality.

For a perfect example of what gaslighting looks like, look no further than Mother Gothel, Rapunzel's mom (but not really) in "Tangled." In a popular episode of Cinema Therapy, licensed therapist Jonathan Decker and filmmaker Alan Seawright give examples of how Gothel gaslights Rapunzel throughout the film. Going through a list of 11 red flags of gaslighting from psychologist Dr. Stephanie Sarkis from psychologist Dr. Stephanie Sarkis, they explain how Mother Gothel hits the mark on each one.

Gothel may be an extreme case, but seeing examples from a well-known character helps us to see how these tactics might play out in a relationship in real life. "Her whole strategy is to get Rapunzel to question her own sanity, her own reason, her own judgment," says Decker, and that's exactly what gaslighting does to victims.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Here are 11 tactics gaslighters use and how Mother Gothel exemplifies them.

1. Telling blatant lies.

From the get go, we see Mother Gothel telling Rapunzel things that are just objectively not true. For example, she greatly exaggerates the dangers of the outside world in the song "Mother Knows Best."

"Mother Gothel is constantly lying to Rapunzel, telling her she's worthless, telling her she can't do things, belittling her, making her feel like less than, like she won't be able to survive outside," says Seawright.

2. Denying that they lie, even if you have proof.

Gothel tells Rapunzel that she'll be able to leave the tower once she's old enough, smart enough, mature enough, but every time Rapunzel tries to bring it up, she puts her off. Ultimately, though, Gothel pronounces, "You are not leaving this tower, ever!" And Rapunzel isn't allowed to argue.

3. They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition.

"They will tell you'd be a worthy person if only you didn't have a long list of negative traits," writes Sarkis." They attack the very foundation of your being." Decker demonstrates how in "Mother Knows Best" Mother Gothel decimates Rapunzel's looks, intelligence, character—basically everything about her. Look how she describes Rapunzel in the song: "Sloppy, underdressed, immature, clumsy…gullible, naive, positively grubby, ditzy and a bit vague…plus, I believe, gettin' kind of chubby."

4. They wear you down over time.

Rapunzel has spent her entire life in a tower with no one to talk to but Mother Gothel, being fed nothing but Gothel's version of reality. "So no wonder when she actually leaves the tower she goes a little bonkers and questions her own sanity, her own reason, her own judgment," says Decker.

5. Their actions don't match their words.

Mother Gothel regularly tells Rapunzel that she loves her the most. "But what she actually means is 'I love controlling you the most,'" says Seawright. "She won't let her be reunited with her real family, and she keeps her from experiencing real love."

6. They use positive reinforcement to confuse you.

Few people would stay with a person who mistreated them all the time, so gaslighters mix it up with praise and love bombs. "The very person who is attacking you, just ripping into your identity, is now the person who's praising you, building you up. And it's confusing as heck." Mother Gothel will butter up and praise Rapunzel when it serves her, and then turn around and berate her.

7. They know that confusion weakens people.

"Our natural tendency is to try to find a person that makes us feel the most stable," says Seawright. "And in this case when it's the gaslighter, you're pretty much out of luck." He uses the example of when Rapunzel wants to go see the lanterns, not knowing what they are, and Mother Gothel says she's just talking about the stars. That and the "Mother Knows Best" song are meant to confuse and make her feel like she can't trust her own judgment so that she remains completely reliant upon Gothel.

8. They project.

Seawright points out that when she's denigrating Rapunzel in "Mother Knows Best," it's actually concerns about herself that she's just projecting onto Rapunzel. Gaslighters will often accuse you of things they are doing, which makes you feel like you need to defend yourself even if you didn't do anything wrong.

9. They try to turn people against you.

Mother Gothel didn't have direct access to Flynn Rider, so she couldn't really try to turn him against Rapunzel. Instead, she sweet-talked and convinced the Stabbington Brothers to help her with her diabolical plan to get Rapunzel back into her grip. She may not have gotten to Flynn, but she made Rapunzel believe that he had turned against her, which is good enough.

10. They paint you or others as crazy.

Sarkis calls this a gaslighter's "master technique." If they can get you to question your own sanity, it's less likely that others will believe you. Mother Gothel is constantly telling Rapunzel that she can't trust her own mind. ("Rapunzel, that's demented," she says dismissively when Rapunzel thinks Flynn likes her, which he does.)

11. They say everyone else is lying.

A gaslighter will tell you that people are talking about you or show you a text taken out of context to make it appear that other people can't be trusted and make you believe that no one is on your side but them. "They tell you, 'everyone else is a liar,'" says Seawright. "It makes people turn to the gaslighter for the correct information, which of course, isn’t correct information at all."

Thankfully, Rapunzel starts to figure out what Mother Gothel is doing when she makes it seem like Flynn has betrayed her.

Unfortunately, recovering from an entire childhood of narcissist gaslighting takes more time than the end of a Disney film to recover from, but such is the limitation of a children's film. Decker concludes the episode by sharing tips for dealing with gaslighting in real life, though—definitely worth checking out.

Find more analysis of movies, characters, and mental health on the Cinema Therapy channel on YouTube.