It’s a bittersweet situation for many adults—you live close enough to your own parents that grandma and grandpa can help out with the kids from time to time. On the one hand, you’ve got the luxury of a village at your disposal. Holidays are a cinch. Yay. But with that close proximity also comes blurry boundaries, which can take on the form of “surprise” grandparent visits during the most inopportune times.
Which brings us to the question: should grandparents be able to drop by unannounced in the first place? If you ask grandfather of two Rick Cognata, who regularly posts grandparent related content on his "Legacy Of A Grandpa" Instagram account, you’ll get a pretty definitive answer.
In a recent video, Cognata shared why making a call first might be a better move, explaining how well it works for his own kids.
“I am on my way to my daughter’s house and guess what? I called first,” Cognata began. “I said, ‘Hey, do you mind if I come over? I’m missing them. I just want to pop over. I’ll bring some food, whatever.’”
While this time Cognata's daughter gave the okay, in the past she’s also told him “No Dad, today is not a good day.” And offering up this bit of autonomy can make all the difference in a grandparent-parent dynamic. Though Cognata shared that it’s not quite the norm.
“I see a lot with my friends that this presents a problem with ... us grandparents ... that just pop over. Like, ‘This is my kid, they live around the corner from me, I will pop over when I want. My parents did it to me and I do it to them.’”
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Cognata concluded by saying that of course, the drop in policy will differ from family to family, but in his own observation, “I hear a lot of my friends’ children saying, ‘I wish they would call.’”
“So that’s all I’m saying ... some of us might be crossing that line a little bit.”
By and large, folks generally seemed to agree with Cognata’s stance.
“Totally agree it’s called respect as our children are now adults themselves. ❤️
“🙌 I ALWAYS make contact first. They are a separate family unit to us and have their own life and routines. This has to be respected 🙌❤️🙌❤️🙌”
“Agreed! Your kids are now your friends and they deserve your respect. Not everyone is up for company ( family) at any given time. They need to have their own space and decide when the timing is right. I expect the same from them. It works beautifully that way! ❤️”
Still, others felt the rule to be unnecessary.
“It’s sad that family can’t pop over like it was when I grew up. But once an adult child gets married we have to respect how they want to live.”
“When I was younger and into my early married life, we would pop over to people's houses all the time. I think it's a southern thing.”
Photo credit: Canva
Whether or not you totally agree with Cognata’s opinion on this particular topic, it’s easy to see how it brings up a broader shift in how we approach family dynamics. Terms like “boundaries” certainly weren’t as mainstream when we (or our parents) were growing up, and it’s still relatively new territory for everyone. That’s why having open conversations, even online ones, can be pivotal for gaining perspective and possibly finding an approach that’s a win win for everyone.
By the way, Cognata has all kinds of grandparent-related discussions on his Instagram, which you can find here.