upworthy

Tod Perry

A woman saying no.

Does telling someone "no" make you uncomfortable? Whether it’s turning someone down for a social engagement, a favor, or shutting down someone’s idea at the workplace? It’s difficult to reject someone’s idea or plan because you don’t want them to feel bad, and you also may feel the need to justify your decision.

What’s worse is when saying no makes us feel so uncomfortable that we get roped into attending social engagements that we don’t want to go to, or following someone’s bad idea at work that you know isn’t going to make a difference.

The good news is that Jefferson Fisher is here to show us how to say no in a kind way, without feeling the need to justify ourselves. Fisher is a personal injury attorney and communications expert who has become massively popular on Instagram—with over 6 million followers—for sharing tips “to help people argue less and talk more.”

What’s the wrong way to tell someone no?

@kencoleman

How to say no while also being kind. #no #kind #clarity

First, Fisher explains where many people get fouled up when telling someone no. They add a "but" to the statement that negates the positive idea they are trying to convey.

“Here's where it goes wrong, where you say thank you. You lead with gratitude first. Say, thank you, but. ‘Oh, I love to, that sounds so wonderful. But I can't,” Fisher explains. “It dismisses it. That puts it down. The word 'but' has a way of deleting what you just said before."

How to tell someone 'no' in a polite way without making excuses

Instead, Fisher said people should “flip it” by starting with the “no” and ending with gratitude. He says the way to say "no" to an invitation is to say, “I can’t. Thank you for inviting me...I’ve heard that’s a great place. Let me know how it is.”

The order in which you deliver the information is crucial if you don’t want to justify yourself. If you end with “I can’t,” people will assume you want to explain yourself and are more likely to ask for one. That can put you in the position of having to give a poorly considered excuse.

Fisher then adds a beautiful nugget of wisdom: you should be direct because “clarity is kind.”

@todayshow

#AmyPoehler says that she loves the #Scandinavian #CommunicationStyle, and #HodaKotb and #SavannahGuthrie agree that being direct is often the best way to go. #TODAYShow

What does 'clarity is kind' mean?

“Clear is kind, unclear is unkind” is a phrase popularized by Brené Brown that means being direct and honest with others—even when it's hard—is more compassionate than being unclear.

“Feeding people half-truths or bulls**t to make them feel better (which is almost always about making ourselves feel more comfortable) is unkind,” Brown writes. “Not getting clear with a colleague about your expectations because it feels too hard, yet holding them accountable or blaming them for not delivering is unkind. Talking about people rather than to them is unkind.”

Fisher’s advice is excellent for anyone who has ever felt bad about saying no to someone. There’s no reason to feel bad about turning down an invitation or being honest with someone at work. You do right by yourself and others when you focus on being clear and kind. Sometimes the kindest thing you can say is “no.”

A pitbull stares at the window, looking for the mailman.

Dogs are naturally driven by a sense of purpose and a need for belonging, which are all part of their instinctual pack behavior. When a dog has a job to do, it taps into its needs for structure, purpose, and the feeling of contributing to its pack, which in a domestic setting translates to its human family.

But let’s be honest: In a traditional domestic setting, dogs have fewer chores they can do as they would on a farm or as part of a rescue unit. A doggy mom in Vancouver Island, Canada had fun with her dog’s purposeful uselessness by sharing the 5 “chores” her pitbull-Lab mix does around the house.

The mom says Rhubarb has chores because “we didn’t raise a freeloader.”

Here are 5 “chores” that Rhubarb has mastered.

@rhubarbthedoggo

No freeloaders on my watch 🙅🏻‍♀️ #pittiesoftiktok #dogtiktokers #dogsoftiktok #pitbulllove #pibblelove #pibbles #pibblemixesoftiktok #pitbullmix #dogfluencers #doggotiktoker #dogmomsoftiktok #dogmomlife #dogmoms #dogtiktokviral #dogmomma #prettypitty #prettypittie #prettypitties #dogrelatable #relatabledogmom #relatabledog


1. Makes sure the laundry doesn't get cold

Translation: Sits on top of the clean laundry, ready to be folded.

2. Unlicensed therapist

Translation: Gives us kisses when we're tired or feeling down.

3. Supervise repairs

Translation: She gets in the way when you're in a compromised, uncomfortable position with a wrench in your hand.

4. Alerts us when there's an intruder

Translation: Stands at the window and barks furiously at the mailman.

5. Keeps mum's spot warm

Translation: Lays in her spot on her favorite chair in the living room.

The video inspired some funny responses in the comments.

“He’s carrying that household on his back. Give him a raise."

“Obviously the most valuable member of the household."

"Rhubarb needs a little vacation from working so flipping hard!"

"Hardest worker there ever was."

"He's carrying that household on his back."

Here's to Rhubarb, for earning his keep, and being adorable while doing it. It's a tough job, but somebody's gotta do it.

This article originally appeared last year.

Parenting

Millennial dad of 3 unloads on boomer parents over their unreasonable holiday plans

"Yeah, not this time," he said. "I think for the holidays I'm just gonna stay in and relax."

via Canva/Photos
A Millennial dad has had it with his boomer dad's expectations.

The holidays are supposed to be a time for enjoying special moments with family, but often they become a source of stress. Traveling, navigating familial relationships and tensions, talking politics at the dinner table, and handling the all-encompassing issue of "presents" can wear down even the most patient and even-keeled person. It can be especially challenging for parents with young kids who are expected to travel long distances in the name of "family togetherness."

A TikTok video posted by @carrerasfam is going viral, with over 300,000 views, because so many millennial parents can relate to the frustration of grandparents having unrealistic expectations related to visiting with the kids.

In the satirical video, a husband stages a conversation with his "practically retired" baby boomer dad, in which he explains politely but firmly that he’s not taking his 3 young kids on a 400-mile drive to their house for the holidays.

Carerras Fam is a popular TikTok page about “all things postpartum and mamahood.” Together, the mom and dad share funny skits and slices of their life with three little ones.

The husband opens the conversation with his dad by explaining all the inconveniences of taking 3 young kids on a long road trip. “I know you want us to drive down for the holidays, but it's kinda ridiculous that you want me to pack my 3 kids with their portable beds with my clothes, their clothes, the formula, everything that goes on with raising 3 kids and having them feel comfortable. Drive down for over four hours just so that we could spend some time in your house?” the husband says while absurdist music plays in the background.


@carrerasfam

Sorry it’s just so much work. But you’re welcome to visit us #millennial #millennials #parents #parenting #parentsontiktok #boomers #millennials

It’s obviously inconvenient for the couple to pack up their kids and drive 4 hours, but it’s also unsafe because the house is not baby-proof. "I'm gonna have to run around, make sure that they don't break any of your stuff, and which you will 'take care of them,'” the husband continues using sarcastic air quotes. Most parents eventually realize that visiting with the kids does not equate to getting help with them — no, it means chasing them around frantically yourself until it's time to leave.

The dad brings up another great point: His parents are in good health, so why don’t they drive to their house? “You could visit. You don't have little kids,” the dad continues. “You don't have anything going on.

"Why is it that every time I have to make the effort for you, yet you can't do the most basic thing for me?”

millennials, baby boomers, parenting, dads, moms, babysitting, grandparents, parenting tips, family, love, kids All parents feel like this when it comes to spending time with the grands. Giphy

It’s clear from the phone call the dad understands that traveling with the kids and staying in a house that isn’t correctly set up for young kids will make the holiday a struggle. Instead of making memories, they’ll most likely be running around bent over trying to save their kids from breaking something or hanging out at Target buying electrical socket plugs and a bottle brush because they left theirs at home. What's especially frustrating is the pressure and expectations. Parents are often guilted for not wanting to pack up the the kids and travel, even though it's not hard to see why they hate it so much.

The video struck a chord with many millennial parents. Nearly 500,000 people watched the clip with hundreds and hundreds pouring in to vent their own similar frustrations.


@carrerasfam

Something needs to change #parenting #parents

“First holiday with a kid… parents are confused why I won’t drive 9 hours with a 3mnth old for Christmas,” too_many_catz writes.

“The ‘not baby proofed’ part hit my soullllllll. It’s so stressful having to chase your kids around and ask to close doors, move pictures, block stairs, etc. And nobody takes you seriously!" OhHeyItsIndy added.

It’s also expensive for young families to travel. “Add to it they want us to spend money on gas, airfare, etc. when we live paycheck to paycheck and rent while they own homes and live comfortably off a pension,” another user wrote.

"My mom asked me to drive 13 hours with our 2 month old…she doesn’t work and has flight points," one mom added.

This one hit hard: “They always act like you're asking the world of them, yet they will willingly go on any other vacation that they choose,” Mackenzie Byrne wrote.

"They can never make the trip for us but they can make them trips to Europe and cruises to the Caribbean," another user noted.

TX Travel Chick may have hit the nail on the head with her explanation for why boomer parents expect their children to road trip it to their house for the holidays. “Because we are used to following their orders!!! REVOLT,” she wrote.

millennials, baby boomers, parenting, dads, moms, babysitting, grandparents, parenting tips, family, love, kids See ya next year, grandpa Giphy

Ultimately, it would be interesting to learn why boomer parents want to inconvenience their kids when it would be much easier for them to take a trip to see them, especially if they can afford a hotel. One wonders if they are being entitled or if they’ve forgotten how hard it is to travel with young kids. In some cases, it's a little more complicated — many baby boomer grandparents are still working and have less time and resources than previous generations did to help with the kids.

"Yeah, not this time," the dad sums up in the video. "I think for the holidays I'm just gonna stay in and relax."

It's a hilarious and relatable video, but ultimately, it's a skit. The power of boomer-grandparent guilt remains undefeated in many households, so the smart money says the Carreras family sucked it up and traveled for the holidays despite their annoyance. Here's hoping that together, we can eventually break the generational curse when our kids become parents one day.

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

A woman leaving her body.

Near-death experiences, or NDEs, can have a profound effect on someone’s life. Common experiences people have during an NDE are leaving their body and watching themselves from above, seeing a bright light, moving towards it, and encountering deceased loved ones and spiritual figures.

For many, the experience can create unexplainable joy, a sense of peace, and unconditional love. People often feel like they have an enlightened understanding of the world and that life’s great mysteries have been revealed. Some say they undergo an audit where their life flashes before their eyes. For many, the experience is positive and exhilarating. For others, they enter a dark, joyless void. But regardless of whether someone's NDE was positive or negative, it is always profound.

How does a near-death experience affect people?

A recent study from the University of Virginia’s Division of Perceptual Studies is believed to be the first to attempt to understand the psychological impact that NDEs have on people. It found that 70% of “participants reported changes in religious or spiritual beliefs and altered views on survival after death.” Previous studies had also found that after an NDE, people experienced spiritual growth and became more spiritually oriented.

The news that people regularly experience spiritual growth after an NDE should be comforting to many. The idea that death is a spiritual experience for most should make people feel more comfortable with their eventual exit from this realm.

death, going towards light, path to light, garden, Going towards the light.via Canva/Photos

“My NDE was considerable; I know I’ll never be the same person ever, so ongoing reflection and inner work are needed daily,” one study participant said. While others found it to be a “double-edged sword,” because they wanted to share their experience with others to assuage fears about dying, but thought they’d be seen as crazy. It has to be painful to have this amazing sense of existential relief and have to keep it to yourself.

Around 20% of people who experience an NDE reconsider the choices they’ve made in life and report marriage dissolutions or break-ups.

What does science say about near-death experiences?

“We know a lot about these experiences from decades of research, including their typical manifestations, incidence, medical circumstances, their impact on individuals, and even the physiological conditions of patients who have them,” researcher Marieta Pehlivanova, PhD, of UVA Health’s Department of Psychiatry and Neurobehavioral Sciences, said in a statement. “However, the research on how to support these patients and their specific needs is still limited. We hope to begin addressing this gap and to inspire other researchers, especially clinicians, to devote time and care in pursuing these questions.”

ghost, spirit, phantom, death, sheet, A ghost.via Canva/Photos

NDEs have always baffled scientists, but some neuroscientists argue that they aren’t spiritual experiences but the brain’s intense reaction to facing death. Researchers who measured brain activity in people who had just been taken off life support found an increase in gamma-frequency—activity associated with consciousness—near the back of the brain. This could account for the dramatic changes in perception during an NDE.

Researchers looking into the brains of rats suffering from asphyxiation—a lack of oxygen in the brain similar to what a human has during a heart attack—found huge spikes in brain chemicals, including dopamine, norepinephrine, adenosine, and gamma-aminobutyric acid. Serotonin levels also surged to 20 times their normal level.

Although there is no scientific consensus on why people have these dramatic experiences, the researchers at the University of Virginia know that those who go through them need quality care to process them. “We are hoping that this work sheds light on the support needs of individuals who have had a near-death experience and are trying to make sense of it and its impact,” Pehlivanova said. “In a new era of holistic patient care and extensive research on these experiences, including in medical journals, it is important to highlight the need for education of healthcare providers to address the gap in care for these patients.”