Communications expert shares the kind way to say 'no' without having to justify yourself
Clarity is kind.
A woman saying no.
Does telling someone "no" make you uncomfortable? Whether it’s turning someone down for a social engagement, a favor, or shutting down someone’s idea at the workplace? It’s difficult to reject someone’s idea or plan because you don’t want them to feel bad, and you also may feel the need to justify your decision.
What’s worse is when saying no makes us feel so uncomfortable that we get roped into attending social engagements that we don’t want to go to, or following someone’s bad idea at work that you know isn’t going to make a difference.
The good news is that Jefferson Fisher is here to show us how to say no in a kind way, without feeling the need to justify ourselves. Fisher is a personal injury attorney and communications expert who has become massively popular on Instagram—with over 6 million followers—for sharing tips “to help people argue less and talk more.”
What’s the wrong way to tell someone no?
@kencoleman How to say no while also being kind. #no #kind #clarity
First, Fisher explains where many people get fouled up when telling someone no. They add a "but" to the statement that negates the positive idea they are trying to convey.
“Here's where it goes wrong, where you say thank you. You lead with gratitude first. Say, thank you, but. ‘Oh, I love to, that sounds so wonderful. But I can't,” Fisher explains. “It dismisses it. That puts it down. The word 'but' has a way of deleting what you just said before."
How to tell someone 'no' in a polite way without making excuses
Instead, Fisher said people should “flip it” by starting with the “no” and ending with gratitude. He says the way to say "no" to an invitation is to say, “I can’t. Thank you for inviting me...I’ve heard that’s a great place. Let me know how it is.”
The order in which you deliver the information is crucial if you don’t want to justify yourself. If you end with “I can’t,” people will assume you want to explain yourself and are more likely to ask for one. That can put you in the position of having to give a poorly considered excuse.
Fisher then adds a beautiful nugget of wisdom: you should be direct because “clarity is kind.”
@todayshow #AmyPoehler says that she loves the #Scandinavian #CommunicationStyle, and #HodaKotb and #SavannahGuthrie agree that being direct is often the best way to go. #TODAYShow
What does 'clarity is kind' mean?
“Clear is kind, unclear is unkind” is a phrase popularized by Brené Brown that means being direct and honest with others—even when it's hard—is more compassionate than being unclear.
“Feeding people half-truths or bulls**t to make them feel better (which is almost always about making ourselves feel more comfortable) is unkind,” Brown writes. “Not getting clear with a colleague about your expectations because it feels too hard, yet holding them accountable or blaming them for not delivering is unkind. Talking about people rather than to them is unkind.”
Fisher’s advice is excellent for anyone who has ever felt bad about saying no to someone. There’s no reason to feel bad about turning down an invitation or being honest with someone at work. You do right by yourself and others when you focus on being clear and kind. Sometimes the kindest thing you can say is “no.”