People having fun at a cocktail party.
Many people get nervous in social situations because they don't know how to start conversations or make small talk. They overthink things to the point of social paralysis. Others miss the mark at parties or when meeting new people because they think the key to being likable is impressing others with their wit, charm, and accomplishments.
However, according to Harvard Business School research, the key to being likable is asking questions. It's better to be interested in others than to try to make them interested in you.
"In fact, among the most common complaints people make after having a conversation, such as an interview, a first date, or a work meeting, is 'I wish [s/he] had asked me more questions' and 'I can't believe [s/he] didn't ask me any questions,'" Dr. Alison Wood Brooks, a behavioral research scientist and professor, writes in Harvard Business Review’s "The Surprising Power of Questions."
Ten questions that make you more likable
On a recent appearance on The Diary of a CEO podcast with Steven Bartlett, Wood Brooks shared 10 research-based questions designed to make people more likable. The questions are based on psychologist Arthur Aron's famous 36 questions that lead to love. Aron found that when people ask each other these questions back and forth, it can make them fall for each other more quickly. Wood Brooks later modified the questions so they could be used to get to know others in social settings and help people fall "in like" with you.
A woman making eye contact with a man she is speaking to.via Canva/Photos
"It's just ten questions that are of this flavor that many people, but I suspect lots of men don't ask," Wood Brooks said. "That is a great starting point. It's just the first turn, right? You have to actually listen to what the person says and ask follow-up questions to really deepen the conversation. But these are good questions. You could prep just one or two of them. You could carry two of them in your back pocket all the time as go-to topics for people."
1. What are you excited about lately?
2. What's something you're good at but don't like doing?
3. What's something you're bad at but love to do?
4. Is there something you'd like to learn more about?
5. Is there something you'd like to learn how to do?
6. What can we celebrate about you?
7. Has someone made you laugh recently? What happened?
8. What is something cute your [kid/friend/pet/partner] has been doing recently?
9. Did you grow up in a city?
10. Have you fallen in love with any new [music/books/movies/shows] lately?
A man in a suit with questions.via Canva/Photos
Why do these questions make people more likable?
Wood Brooks' questions are effective because they're open-ended, allowing people to do what they enjoy most: talk about themselves. They also give people permission to be vulnerable, which studies show makes them more likable. Research indicates that one of the quickest ways to become more likable is to ask a question and then follow up with two more. This signals that you are genuinely interested in them. The psychological principle of reciprocal liking also supports this: we like people who like us.