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Jessie Dean Altman

Culture

Dad’s 5-year-old daughter's hilarious answers to his questions have the internet screaming

“Do I have to change my name if I get married? Call me Shredder.”

via James Breakwell / Twitter

Raising kids is tough, but there's a lot of laughs along the way.

Comedy writer James Breakwell has four daughters under the age of eight and shares their hilarious conversations on Twitter. And, from Breakwell's tweets, it looks like his five year old has a future in comedy.

Here's a sampling of some Breakwell's funniest kid-inspired tweets.

1.

Me: What did you do at school today?\n\n5-year-old: Learned about dragons.\n\nMe: Your class learned about dragons?\n\n5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1524164098

2.

5-year-old: *stares off into space*\n\nMe: What's wrong?\n\n5: What happens if a kangaroo jumps on a trampoline?\n\nMe: *stares off into space, too*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1512655067

3.

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?\n\nMe: To look pretty.\n\n5: But she's already pretty.\n\nMe: Aww.\n\n5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1434719335

4.

3-year-old: Do boys like Frozen?\n\n5-year-old: Nobody cares what boys like.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1522195727

5.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars\n\nMe: That\u2019d wreck the economy\n\n5: I just-\n\nMe: Go to your room until you understand inflation
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1441628973

6.

5-year-old daughter: I think a boy likes me. He drew me a dinosaur.\n\nMe: That could mean anything.\n\n5: The dinosaur had a hat.\n\nOh shit.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1435237545

7.

[watching a guy on TV do CPR]\n\n5-year-old daughter: Why is he kissing her?\n\nMe: He's not. He's saving her life.\n\n5: I'd rather die.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1458752016

8.

Me: Who ate all the cookies?\n\n5-year-old: Ninjas.\n\nMe: I didn\u2019t see them.\n\n5-year-old: No one ever does.\n\nCheckmate.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1433627847

9.

5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?\n\nMe: I helped\n\n5: How?\n\nMe:\n\n5:\n\nMe: I read her the instructions
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1446746149

10.

Me: You can't like Kylo Ren. He killed his dad.\n\n5-year-old: Maybe he deserved it.\n\nI'm never sleeping again.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1460388284

11.

Me: What happened on the coffee table?\n\n5-year-old daughter: Elsa killed all the stormtroopers.pic.twitter.com/36hCfd1z5s
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1432591871

12.

13.

5-year-old: I'm writing a book.\n\nMe: What's it called?\n\n5: I Ate Too Many Cupcakes.\n\nMe: Oh.\n\n5: It's just pretend because you can never eat too many cupcakes.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1523975066

14.

5-year-old: *eats a cupcake for breakfast*\n\nMe: Cupcakes aren't a breakfast food.\n\n5: I know. They're an all-day food.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1523364754

15.

Me: It snowed last night.\n\n5-year-old: *flops on the floor* We already did winter.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1523279528

16.

Me: You're still in your pajamas.\n\n5-year-old: I'll get dressed soon.\n\nMe: It's 4 in the afternoon.\n\n5: Don't rush me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1523131531

17.

[spring break]\n\n5-year-old: When do we have to go back to school?\n\nMe: Monday.\n\n5: *slides me a penny* When now?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1522870699

18.

Me: Wake up. Time to get dressed.\n\n5-year-old: Not again.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1522158012

19.

5-year-old: *won't get out of bed*\n\nMe: I don't want to fight you every morning.\n\n5: Then let me win.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1522847748

20.

Me: Why are you being mean?\n\n5-year-old: I ran out of nice.\n\nIt's going to be a long night.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1522786515

21.

[lightning strike super close to our house]\n\n5-year-old: Missed me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1522762976

22.

5-year-old: Can we have pizza?\n\nMe: We just had pizza yesterday.\n\n5: The pizza doesn't know that.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1522096312

23.

Me: Hurry.\n\n5-year-old: I am.\n\nMe: You're still in bed.\n\n5: I'm sleeping faster.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1521811809

24.

5-year-old: Leprechauns are fairies.\n\nMe: They are?\n\n5: I thought you went to college.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1521326336

25.

5-year-old: Do I have to change my name if I get married?\n\nMe: Only if you want to.\n\n5: Call me Shredder.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1521585950

His 5-year-old isn't the only (often unintentionally) hilarious child in the house; the 7-year-old and 3-year-old turn up from time to time. There's also a 2-year-old, but she hasn't been the subject of many tweets yet.

26.

Me: *gets burned by bacon grease* Ow!\n\n7-year-old: Love hurts.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1512230800

27.

Me: What are you doing?\n\n7-year-old: Counting the presents under the tree.\n\nMe: There aren't any presents under the tree.\n\n7: I know.\n\nPassive aggressive level 9000.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1511896968

28.

3-year-old: *holds up a baby doll* What's her name?\n\nMe: She doesn't have one. You can name her.\n\n3: *kissing baby* I love you, Stupid Face.\n\nShe'll make a great mother.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1511877311

29.

7-year-old: I'm glad I'm not a boy.\n\nMe: Why?\n\n7: I like being smart.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1512136729

30.

3-year-old: Mommy married you.\n\nMe: Yeah.\n\n3: Why?\n\nWife: Nobody knows.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1522527335

31.

2-year-old: *touches my beard* It's soft like a kitty.\n\nMe: You mean rugged and manly.\n\n2: Purrrr.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1493775467

32.

4-year-old: What happens when you die?\n\nMe: You go to heaven.\n\n4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1412245842

33.

4-year-old: Why do you go to work?\n\nMe: They pay me a salary.\n\n4-year-old:\n\nMe:\n\n4-year-old: I don\u2019t even like celery.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1425155143

34.

3-year-old daughter: Will I have a baby in my belly someday?\n\nMe: If you want to.\n\n3: No thanks. That's where I put my candy.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1459859421

35.

7-year-old: Why do we have to dress up?\n\nMe: It's Easter.\n\n7: Jesus just wore robes.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1522592817

36.

Me: Do you know why they call it Good Friday?\n\n7-year-old: There's no school.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1522427812

37.

7-year-old: Why does my teacher keep testing what I know?\n\nMe: What should she do?\n\n7: Trust me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1522246883

38.

7-year-old: You should let me eat more candy.\n\nMe: Why?\n\n7: Then you won't eat it.\n\nShe's my new diet plan.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn) 1522092561

This article originally appeared on 7.27.21

From Your Site Articles

comedy

Family

Woman shares side-by-side butt photos to prove 'perfect' bodies do not exist.

True

In today's culture, we are inundated with pictures of perfect-looking bodies, whether on TV, magazines or Instagram.

Some of those bodies might be Photoshopped, while others might belong to seriously fit people. But the important thing to remember is that no body, no matter to whom it belongs, actually always looks "perfect."

Fitness person Louise (@mybetter_self on Instagram) recently posted two pictures of her butt, side by side.

View this post on Instagram
A post shared by Louise 🍒 (@mybetter_self) on Feb 8, 2019 at 10:46am PST

View this post on Instagram
A post shared by Louise 🍒 (@mybetter_self) on May 10, 2018 at 12:12pm PDT

As you can see, in one picture her butt looks basically perfect, while in the next, where she's clenched her muscles tightly, her butt looks flatter and there are traces of cellulite. But obviously the pictures were taken just moments apart.

In the photo's caption, she wrote:

You cannot understand, you have a perfect body.

Yes, I workout.

Yes, I eat healthy.

No, I do not have a perfect body.

And you know why ?

Because I stopped looking for it. ⠀

When I started working out, I had these crazy expectations on the body I hoped / wanted to get.

Finally, I will get a thigh gap, a flat stomach, and no more cellulite !! Because that’s how a healthy body is perceived.

Because people make you think is it not normal to have it.

But you know what ?

It is.

Yes, I still store fat on my stomach.

Yes, I still have cellulite.

And yes, I am still « healthy ». Remember one thing : your body is NOT the enemy

She's been doing this for a while, and although we've seen this before, her photos make a great point and have a sense of humor.

View this post on Instagram
A post shared by Louise 🍒 (@mybetter_self) on Jan 23, 2019 at 11:43am PST

View this post on Instagram
A post shared by Louise 🍒 (@mybetter_self) on Jan 4, 2019 at 12:06pm PST

View this post on Instagram
A post shared by Louise 🍒 (@mybetter_self) on Dec 26, 2018 at 12:17pm PST

View this post on Instagram
A post shared by Louise 🍒 (@mybetter_self) on Sep 30, 2018 at 12:27pm PDT

View this post on Instagram
A post shared by Louise 🍒 (@mybetter_self) on Sep 9, 2018 at 11:58am PDT

View this post on Instagram
A post shared by Louise 🍒 (@mybetter_self) on Jul 1, 2018 at 9:39am PDT

View this post on Instagram
A post shared by Louise 🍒 (@mybetter_self) on Jun 23, 2018 at 9:42am PDT

View this post on Instagram
A post shared by Louise 🍒 (@mybetter_self) on Jun 7, 2018 at 11:34am PDT

View this post on Instagram
A post shared by Louise 🍒 (@mybetter_self) on May 29, 2018 at 12:12pm PDT

View this post on Instagram
A post shared by Louise 🍒 (@mybetter_self) on Apr 2, 2018 at 12:02pm PDT

It's great that people like Louise are out there showing the real truth about their own bodies. But it's a little frustrating that the majority of people showing off their bodies, "flaws" and all, already have what society deems great bodies.

Not all of us are fitness models, and while eating right and exercising are crucial to a body's well-being, they don't always determine how your body looks. So it's important to remember that even if you don't look like Louise, your body is still fine, even great. As long as you treat it right, you should always love your body and all the things it does for you.

This article was originally published by our partners at someecards.