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Heather Wake

Family

Woman says she has the 'key' to being a good mother-in-law, and it's actually spot-on

A simple thing that could help everyone.

@millennialmatleave/TikTok

"Fill you own cup" is good advice fro nearly every situation, isn't it?

Listen, not every mother-in-law disregards boundaries, questions their kid’s parenting styles, tries to manipulate, and so on and so forth. But there’s a reason why the stereotype exists. Plenty have their own horror stories of being on the receiving end of toxic MIL behavior.

But for those wanting to avoid being that stereotype, Janelle Marie, or @millennialmatleave on TikTok believes that she has found the “key.” And it’s all about “filling your own cup.”

“Fill your dang cup. Something outside of your children that makes you feel good, makes you feel fulfilled, makes you feel happy,” Janelle begins in a TikTok.

That means that besides devoting your identity towards nurturing kids, you should be “nurturing” your marriage, as well as other relationships, like friendships, she notes.

“I unfortunately feel like a number of mothers-in-law that are feeling really confused about this role of mother-in-law or dissatisfied with the role of mother-law, and it ends up meaning that they act in a way that comes across as desperate or controlling or with guilt trips — women who don’t have enough going on outside of their relationship and their role as a mom. And so when their kids grow up, they’re ill-equipped to replace that relationship with other things.”

Janelle concludes by acknowledging it’s “easier said than done,” and reiterates that she isn’t trying to place blame, but rather just point out that “it’s something we need to be aware of.”


@millennialmatleave Lets get some hobbies girls…..you know, when you can find a single free moment #hobbies #motherinlaw #toxicmotherinlaw #relationshipadvice #parentingtips #lifehack #grandparents #inlaws #parenting #boymom ♬ original sound - Janelle Marie


Down in the comments, folks seem to clearly resonate with Janell’s stance—many have MILs of their own who could really benefit from a hobby or friend circle.

“My MIL’s hobby was getting into my marriage,” quipped one viewer.

“My toxic mother in law has had zero friends in the 18 years I’ve known her,” said another.

A few MILs even chimed in. One shared, “I noticed I got too involved/emotional/bothered by my son’s relationship and immediately looked in the mirror! Poured that energy into my marriage, friends, and hobbies.”

“OMG, you’re right,” reflected another. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a good MIL, I don’t meddle or overstep, but boy do I struggle. I definitely need to get a hobby!”

As we know, it can be hard for any mom to not lose themselves in the demands of raising a child. And only up until recently were women allowed by society to see themselves as anything beyond being a mother. Self care is also a fairly new concept for everyone. So it is understandable that many MILs find themselves in this struggle without proper coping mechanisms.

But still, if the goal really is to maintain loving, healthy family relationships, it’s crucial to be mindful of any self sabotaging behaviors, and continuity working through those insecurities. That goes for MILs and non-MILs alike.

For those booking to be the best mother-in-law they can be, here are a few pieces of advice:

Don't make it about you

It can be difficult to accept that you might not be the #1 woman in your kid’s life anymore, but it’s important both for you and the couple that those potential feelings of rejection get reframed. After all, there's truly no love lost.

Use your words to uplift, not criticize

Words are powerful. Use them wisely. A little complement now and then goes a long way.

Back off

Let the couple raise their kids, and solve their problems, as they see fit. Trust that you can let them handle their own. Even when intentions are good, offers of help without being asked for it can be seen as criticism.

Invite and Include

Leaving people out leads to resentment. Always invite kids and their spouses to join performances, graduations, birthday celebrations, and other family events, whether or not you think they want to or can attend.

And, of course…fill your own cup.

This article originally appeared last year.

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Parenting

Mom shares really unique 'anxiety attack' approach for dealing with toddler tantrums

This actually makes a lot of sense.

@newenglandrunnr/TikTok

If you don't deal with anxiety, this tip might not be for you.

TikTok has been a gold mine for finding lesser known, but highly effective parenting tips, especially when it comes to dealing with tantrums. While we still have the app, let’s offer one more! Coming from a mom who goes by @newenglandrunnr, this tantrum tip is certainly unique, but makes so much sense.

Her advice, which was also something she found on TikTok, is for parents to treat a kid's meltdown “like anxiety attacks” within themselves. For her, that means whenever her son is having a tough time, she gives him an ice cube and lets him throw it in the bathtub.

“Instantly calms him down,” she said. “He instantly wants to do it because he’s able to throw something, and then the cold from the ice cube tricks the nervous system into calming down because it distracts it. [It is] the best calming technique that I’ve ever found. So if you’re looking for a way to calm kids’ meltdowns, just treat it like how you would anxiety for yourself.”

This is apparently a physical self-soothing technique that works during her own anxiety attacks, and it’s this aspect of “treating the body’s response” that works on the all-circuits firing, emotional overwhelm feeling that both anxiety and tantrums can elicit. After that is regulated, then parents can talk about why that behavior “is not acceptable,” she also noted.


@newenglandrunnr Also works at daycare because they just have him splash cold water on himself 👍🏻
♬ original sound - newenglandrunnr

While the specific ice-cube trick is super nifty, just the general concept of using anxiety reducing tactics for tantrums is genius in and of itself. Lots of fellow parents commended the idea in the comments

“It’s all about co-regulation at this stage!” one person wrote. “They are experiencing life for the first time. Regulate with them and they’ll learn skills for life.”

“It’s also teaching a healthy outlet for anger/frustration/anxiety so he doesn’t let it bottle up,” added another.

Many even shared their own similar strategies.

“My 3 year old and I have started using something similar to the Bluey episode where they gather all their angry and upset then throw it far away,” wrote one person. “It makes him laugh when I do it and then he forgets he was mad.”

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Another added, “My favorite for my oldest is to enter a complain-off and we take turns venting about all the things we’re mad about. She needs to see that I understand emotionally what she's going through.”

“My favorite tantrum advice was to say something wrong because they’ll want to correct you,” was a third option, while a fourth said, “I had a breakthrough with a kid who was known for historic tantrums when I asked her ‘do you know how to/need help calming down’ instead of just telling her ‘calm down.’”

Hopefully this bit of advice can not only help stop tantrums in their tracks, but also help parents stay sane while in the throes of them. The next time logic has flown the coop and only screams of rage remain, maybe try throwing logic out the window and opt for something else instead.

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Pop Culture

'Chicago fire' actor helps detain California arson suspect using his acting training

The situation could have ended in violence without him.

Wikipedia, Canva

These are tips anyone could use.

In a strange life-imitating-art moment, actor Brian J. White, who plays fire captain Dallas Patterson on Chicago Fire, recently helped detain a real arsonist outside his home in Woodland Hills, an area already in the path of the devastating Los Angeles fires. In an interview with Deadline, White explained that he and his family were already packing up to evacuate due to an emergency alert brought out by the Kenneth Fire, which broke out in the neighboring West Hills Thursday afternoon (Jan 16) and has since been contained. That’s when he heard a commotion just outside his home, along with the words “Put it down, put it down” being yelled.

“I was initially very alarmed because I thought it was a gun,” he told Inside Edition. As his daughter hid in a closet, he went outside to investigate, and found that neighbors had taken down a man now identified as 33-year-old Juan Manuel Sierra-Leyva, who had been carrying a blowtorch in an attempt to light a fire to White’s trash can, which contained leaves and sticks. Only 20 minutes prior, someone had chased off Sierra-Leyva from trying to light an old Christmas tree on fire.

static.wikia.nocookie.net

Noting not only the inherent high stakes of the situation, but also Sierra-Leyva’s “erratic” and “aggressive” behavior, White immediately took on the role of peacemaker using de-escalation techniques he had learned while preparing for a former role in The Shield. “In my experience on ride-alongs with police that’s not what you want. You don’t want people to get madder than they already are. Emotions were very very high,” he shared with Inside Edition. In the video below, around the 10 second mark, you can see White using some of these techniques with his hand gestures. Sierra-Leyva, who was in the country illegally, was eventually arrested and has been detained by immigration authorities.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com


This is a great reminder that preventing violence in tense situations isn’t just an important skill to have for authority figures (other those who play them on TV). Some tips for applying de-escalation that anyone could use include keeping an open body posture, using active listening, and having situational readiness, meaning identifying, processing, and comprehending information about any potential threats surrounding you at the moment.

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Joy

Dad shocked he got his son to use 'please' and 'thank you' with a made-up cat story

"It can’t be this easy right?"

Photo credit: Canva

Maybe not every aspect of parenting has to be hard?

Teaching kids manners can be a bit of an elusive art form. Parents new and old have tried every strategy under the sun—from directly modeling the desired behavior to trying to make things more enticing by calling niceties “magic words”—all with varying success rates.

One dad was floored to learn that when it came to teaching his four-year-old to use “please” and “thank you,” all he had to do was come up with a story. As he shared online, he came up with a dramatic 10 minute saga about a cat that “only got snacks when it asked with a please, and only made friends to play with when it said thanks,” all on the spot.

And lo and behold, his son was using those coveted words nonstop, without being prompted, leading the dad to wonder “It can’t be this easy right?”

media1.giphy.com

The dad’s story got a plethora of comments. One parent who had a similar epiphany wrote, “that’s awesome. Reminds of potty training my 3 year old: he wasn’t really doing it, but once we talked to him about how it would make the trees happy if he went in the potty (ie no more diapers in the landfill), he immediately just got it and pretty much never wore a diaper again. I guess when it clicks, it clicks.”

Similarly another parent shared, “My son at 2 would refuse to put on socks. 'If you don't put on socks, the foot monster's going to get you!' + Playful om nom noms towards his feet worked. Now he loves pointing out when I'm not wearing any too! A year on and it still generally works.”

A few folks highlighted how kids have a special relationship to storytelling, especially since it activates their imagination and generally makes them more open to learning—all of which make it a very effective teaching tool.

One person, who happens to be a nanny, wrote. “making up songs and stories is a really good way to teach morals and change behavior. I had a young child who always jumped out of the car and never looked before running into the street. I made up a song about it and sang it when we were in the car, and his behavior improved! Remember the TV shows we watched as kids that had all the songs about morals? Or that in order to learn the ABCs we sing them? It works!’

Of course, you don’t have to just look through the archives. Shows like Blue and Sesame Street continue to teach kids lessons this way!

And long before television even existed, parents were using stories to impart wisdom. As one commenter shared, “In the book Hunt, Gather, Parent the author said is a technique used by lots of indigenous cultures to keep their children safe and away from dangerous places and pass on cultural values.”

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

In a funny reply, someone else added “Now that I think about it the trope of ‘there's a troll living underneath that bridge’ was probably just a frustrated parent's way of trying to keep their kid out of the fucking river. And since a child's imagination is much more active than their cognitive reasoning, ‘scary monster’ works a lot better than ‘scary water.’”

Of course, there were also a few caveats that a few commenters laid down, primarily centered around not instilling an expectation of getting what you want after saying “please.” This is why many parents have nixed using the”magic word” method, since the point isn’t getting what you want, but expressing kindness towards others.

And it probably goes without saying that dad’s strategy might not work as well when his son’s a teenager, but let’s take the wins where we get them.

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