Evan Porter

Every parent has been there. We've all lost our temper before — yelled, screamed, stomped out of a room. We're low on sleep, low on self-care and quiet time, and highly stressed out. Remember when the Surgeon General declared an official advisory over the deteriorating mental health of America's parents? Yeah, it's safe to say a lot of us are just barely keeping it together most of the time.

So yes, while yelling and screaming at your kids is almost never a productive thing to do, all that frustration and stress is bound to come out eventually when they start pushing our buttons.

One new dad recently shared a relevant confession on Reddit: He had screamed at his toddler and was feeling horrible guilt. The post read:

"2.5 YO son has been sleeping terribly for weeks after FINALLY starting to sleep through the night...and after being awake for an hour and a half for no reason tonight, he wanted to turn on his big lamp. I said no and he lost it, so I ripped the cord out of the wall, yanked it out of his hand and threw it in his closet. I screamed at him 'you don't need your light, it's night night time' while he cried hysterically.

"The way my wife looked at me and then my kid running to his playroom because I scared him...I feel like shit. I even tried to calm down and read a book with him and he pulled the blanket off of me and said 'daddy go away,'" he wrote.The gut-wrenching guilt in the OP's story struck a serious chord with the members of the subreddit r/Daddit.

Other parents in the thread were quick to pick this dad up.

Photo by Ryan Snaadt on Unsplash

Seriously, what parent can't relate to this story?

If I stop to think about the times when I've been the most upset and disappointed in myself, it's been when I haven't handled stress and frustration well in front of my kids. It's a horrible feeling. I've felt embarrassed, and even stupid, for losing my temper. I'm supposed to be the adult, and here I am yelling at a two-year-old? You just want to crawl in a hole somewhere and stew in the shame and disgust.

Luckily, many of the commenters had felt the same thing, and hundreds of people chimed in with words of encouragement:

"It happens. Apologize to him. He learns that adults make mistakes too and that they apologize for them. Especially important (in my opinion) for a son to see his dad apologize and own his emotions/behaviors. We all make mistakes. And honestly, it will probably happen again. Just keep working to be the best you can be. It's tough. And he still loves you. Trust me."

"I've been a dad for a little over 21 years. I'm a much better dad now than I was in 2003 because of small, incremental, and daily lessons. A willingness to be wrong and being open to change are extremely important. It's okay to mess up and okay to apologize to our kids. The mistake isn't important, what we do next is."

"Been there many times. It's tough. I know I'm still a great dad and so are you."

"Oh man, been there. Believe it or not, it's s good thing that you feel bad, it shows that you know better and that you're a good dad. Guess what? Tomorrow you get a chance to do better. We all get it wildly wrong at times, this won't be your last one either. Apologise now, look forward to doing better later."

"Show me a parent who has never done this to some extent, and I'll show you a liar."

Experts agree that when we makes mistakes and lose control of our emotions, these can be great teachable moments for everyone in the family. But only if you handle it right.

Photo by Caleb Jones on Unsplash

I reached out to Dr. Caroline Fenkel, Chief Clinical Officer and Co-Founder at Charlie Health, for advice on how parents can handle it when they don't do a good job wrangling their anger in front of the kids:

She says that step one is to own your behavior and apologize like a grown-up.

"First, own your behavior. Acknowledge to your child that you lost your cool and explain why, in simple and age-appropriate terms: 'I got frustrated because I was running late, but yelling wasn’t the right way to handle it.' This helps children understand that strong emotions are normal but must be managed."

How you apologize and smooth things over with your kiddo is so critically important because you're modeling so many great lessons for him.

"Second, model how to make amends," Fenkel says. "Saying, 'I’m sorry for yelling. I didn’t mean to scare you,' shows children how to take accountability for mistakes and repair relationships. It’s also helpful to outline what you’ll do differently next time: 'Next time, I’ll take a deep breath and use my calm voice."

"Moments like these are opportunities to teach emotional regulation. You’re showing your child that it’s okay to have emotions and make mistakes, but taking responsibility and working to improve is also essential. This can help them feel less ashamed of their mistakes and more confident about repairing missteps in their relationships."

Yelling and screaming don't help tough situations, but slipping up occasionally does have the silver lining of helping your kid learn how to better regulate their own emotions.

The dads of Reddit also shared a few of their own tips for avoiding boiling over.

One dad recommended "tagging out" with your spouse when you feel frustration building:

"The strategy I’ve learned is to simply tell my wife I’m going to lose my shit. That way I’m voicing my anger in a calm way that doesn’t affect the kid, and she knows to take over and be a calming influence. She appreciates this strategy, it’s much better than me actually losing it."

And if you're having trouble keeping your cool during tantrums:

"Something that helped me, was advice/re-framing from my therapist (who also works with kids): they need to have tantrums. They need to let it burn out of them. Accepting that is the case, and it will not last forever, makes it easier to tolerate (for me). Our jobs as parents is to keep them safe, not necessarily stop the tantrum/emotion/breakdown. Just keep them safe and be there for them. They will work through a lot of it themselves."

An expert I've worked with had a similar strategy that's really helped me keep from losing my temper: Just ignore the tantrums! Keep your kids safe, keep them from hurting themselves or others, but otherwise, don't give attention-seeking behavior any oxygen and let it burn out on its own. Intervening and trying to stop it just makes it worse and makes your frustration levels skyrocket.

At the end of the day, kids are extremely forgiving and sweet when you own up to your mistakes. They still love you, I promise — even if you yelled.