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Evan Porter

I'm a storyteller at heart, and I'm grateful to live in a time when amazing stories have never been easier to find. I nerd out about cool technology that's making the world a better place, choke up at triumphant underdog stories and openly weep about anything having to do with being a dad. Find me on https://dadfixeseverything.com

Parenting

Mom gives back son's perfect attendance award to prove a simple point

"What on earth are we teaching our kids about value and worth?"

CDC/Unsplash and JE Theriot/Flickr

You remember what it was like as a kid.

At the end of every school year, there was a ceremony, or at least an announcement of some kind, where a handful of students would receive an award for "Perfect Attendance." There was much applause and admiration for these heroic kids.

Maybe you got one of these awards yourself. Maybe you simply sat there feeling strangely bad about the one time you had a cold and had to stay home. If only you had gutted through it, you could have had some of that applause, too.

Well, one mom has had enough of perfect attendance awards. In fact, when her son's school offered him one, they turned it down.

school bus on pathway Photo by Denisse Leon on Unsplash

In a post on her blog, U.K. mom and author Rachel Wright wrote about the experience and her reasoning behind the decision.

It might sound strange at first, but she makes a lot of great points. Her biggest gripe? Kids can't control who gets sick and when:

"In this family you are not shamed for ill health, vulnerability or weakness. In this house you are not encouraged to spread germs when you are not well. In this house we look after ourselves and the weakest amongst us," she writes.

"Can you imagine a work place that at the end of each week marked out all the people who hadn't been sick? Where all the departments with the least number of people off were rewarded — in front of everyone else?

"It happens in schools all the time.

"Can you imagine what kind of atmosphere that would create with people who had days off because of bereavement, mental health problem or chronic conditions? What on earth are we teaching our kids about value and worth? What are we teaching them about looking out for each other and looking after the sick or disabled in our community?"

Wright goes on: Most school-aged kids have very little control over whether they get to school.

female teacher standing in front of children Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash

Policies that reward kids for zero absences unfairly favor those of more privileged households.

After all, it's a heck of a lot easier to get to school amid rain and snow in Mommy's 4-wheel-drive SUV versus the public bus.

And kids with health problems or chronic illnesses? They don't stand a chance.

"He had no control over his attendance," Wright wrote. "I took him to school and it would have been my decision to keep him off. I should get the reward (or not) for his attendance."

The blog post has gone viral, with comments pouring in from parents around the world who share Wright's frustration for this arbitrary form of celebration.

"The worst time was in primary school when [my daughter] repeatedly 'lost' her class the class award, and was bullied because of it," wrote one mom.

"In a work place, this would never be acceptable, but we allow this to ... happen for our children," added another commenter.

While it's not a bad thing to celebrate kids for commitment and hard work at school, we ought to give some more thought to how we do it and whether we want our kids growing up believing that never taking a day off is something to aspire to.

The debate on the pros and cons of perfect attendance awards rages on, even in 2024.

Though anecdotally it feels like they're beginning to go out of style. After all, data shows that awards and certificates don't have a positive effect on absenteeism — and in fact can have the opposite effect!

In a world that lived through the 2020 COVID pandemic and lockdowns, it seems much smarter to let kids know: It's OK to take care of yourself when you're sick, it's important to stay home to stop the spread of germs, and yes, the occasional day off for your mental health isn't going to hurt anyone.

Kudos to Rachel Wright for kicking off a conversation that's finally beginning to make a difference.

This article originally appeared seven years ago.

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Is Cocomelon ruining kids? Parents and experts weigh in.

Baby JJ just can't stay out of the headlines.

*Hajee/Flickr & Unsplash

When my oldest daughter was little, Cocomelon wasn't the sensation it is today. It didn't take over on YouTube until around 2018 and it didn't show up on Netflix until 2020. We discovered it around the time my youngest was born, and it was a lifesaver! What an amazing tool to have in our arsenal when we needed a break from chasing her around or needed her to sit still and eat for a few minutes.

She absolutely devoured it, and I never had an issue with JJ and the gang being on in the background. The show had cute songs, bright colors, and seemed to have some light teaching elements that I liked (letters, manners, eating fruits and vegetables, that kind of thing). Little did I know that Cocomelon was actually the most destructive show on television. At least, according to some parents and experts.

More and more has come out in recent years about Cocomelon's methods and how they're able to make their content so sticky.

The show is meticulously engineered to hold the attention of babies and toddlers. Everything is intentional, from the bright colors to the frequent cuts and scene changes.

In fact, during testing, Moonbug Entertainment (the producers behind the show) use something called a "Distractatron" to measure exactly when they're losing kids' attention. Basically, the Distractatron is a screen with mundane real-world footage rolling on it next to the episode they're testing. When kids look away from the show to watch whatever boring thing is being shown on the Distractatron, producers know they can tweak those moments in the episodes to make them more engaging.

Or addicting, depending on how you look at it.

— (@)

There's a growing chorus of parents online that think this kind of testing and optimization is not just icky, but truly harmful.

Some even accuseCocomelon of causing or contributing to serious lifelong issues like delayed speech, ADHD, and even Autism.

People claim it turns kids into zombies and that they show symptoms of withdrawal when you make them turn it off.

— (@)

The experts have weighed in, too: Cocomelon isn't necessarily great for kids, but it might be getting a bad rap.

"Cocomelon is very stimulating thus it really draws in the attention of children and it is also faster paced than some other shows for children which can make it more addictive," says Dr. Maya Weir of Thriving California.

The bright colors and quit camera cuts definitely contribute to the dopamine reward response in children, which makes watching it feel extra exciting. It can also make them really not want to turn the show off.

But... it's probably misguided to single out Cocomelon in particular.

"All screens and tv shows are attention grabbing and addictive for children. Any show will activate dopamine which will create the child to desire the show again and again. I don't think it is appropriate for parents to attribute speech delay, autism and ADHD to watching Cocomelon," says Weir.

Let's say that again for the folks in the back.

Watching TV, even hyper-optimized shows like Cocomelon, will not give your kids ADHD or autism.

It is worth having a look at how much overall screentime your kids are getting, however, whether it's with Cocomelon, another show, or a mix of different content.

"Highly stimulating shows like Cocomelon can make quieter activities feel as exciting as watching paint dry," says Veronica West, psychologist at My Thriving Mind. "That doesn’t mean it causes ADHD or speech delays, but too much screen time can crowd out important interactions like chatting, playing, and, you know, digging through the trash when you’re not looking. So, let’s blame screen overuse, not just JJ and his catchy tunes."

Screentime guidelines from the American Academy of Pediatrics are a good starting point. For kids 2-5, they recommend keep it to an hour or less per day.

Parents panicking over TV shows is nothing new. And it's totally understandable.

Anyone remember when Barney was thought to be subliminally sending satanic messages to kids through songs and leading to a generation of morally-bankrupt children?

Remember when Caillou was going to, for lack of a better term, turn kids evil through his modeling of horrible behavior?

Peppa Pig was even accused of quite literally causing autism in kids. The study the rumor was based on turned out to be a complete hoax, but those rumors have stuck around and turned a lot parents away from the show.

It's a good idea to try not to get caught up in the panic whenever a new show starts getting criticism.

In the last year or so, we've drastically reduced the amount of Cocomelon we use in our house. Down to almost zero. Part of that is that my youngest daughter is getting older. But I admit that I don't necessarily love the way it's engineered to be addicting, and that's been part of the decision.

But again, it's not just Cocomelon.

Our beloved Disney and Pixar do similar testing on their movies — they want to make sure they're triggering the right emotions at the right times and, of course, not losing your attention along the way.

That's just the world we live in now, and it continues through adulthood with Instagram, TikTok, and pretty much everything else we interact with.

I get the instinct to protect your kids from as much of this stuff as possible for as long as you can.

@thecircusbrain
#cocomelon #cocomelonchallenge vs #sesamestreet 😒

You're not going to mess your kids up by letting them watch Cocomelon! But here are a few things you might keep in mind if you choose to.

First, remember to set screentime limits. Just as important as what you choose to watch, is how much of it you allow.

Next, if possible, watch Cocomelon with your kids! The APA actually recommends zero solo media usage for kids under two. If you can, sit and watch with them and ask them questions about what they're seeing on the screen.

Similarly, sing the songs and do the dances with them after you've turned the show off. This will help reinforce critical social and speech skills.

And finally, remember that it's your choice. You don't have to allow Cocomelon in your house if you want. But we do need to be careful about casually implying that anything causes ADHD, autism, or speech delays when the evidence just isn't there.

And if you find JJ and his pals annoying and just don't want to listen to it anymore? Well, you're definitely not alone!

kids

This simple household rule could save your marriage, but there's a catch

Ever been told you're loading the dishwasher "wrong"?

Unsplash

A stunning 25% of marriages end, in large part, because of arguments over household chores. So the third most common reason for divorce after falling out of love and infidelity is... cooking and laundry.

It seems utterly ridiculous, on the surface. But when you've lived with someone long enough, you know that having the same arguments over and over — even over tiny things — can eventually push you over the edge.

One common argument that pops up again and again: One spouse being told they're doing something "wrong".

Unsplash

Probably the stereotypical example is the husband loading the dishwasher but repeatedly being told he's doing it incorrectly.

This is where it's easy to fall into the trap of the "nagging wife" stereotype. Don't forget that husbands or male partners can be extremely particular and critical about certain things, too.

For example, Mom might pack all of the kids' lunches for school, but Dad sure has a lot to say about the nutritional content for those lunches.

Wife doesn't like the way Husband runs the kitchen while cooking. Husband badgers wife to fold the laundry a different way.

Even when the division of labor isn't a major problem, per se, sometimes spouses have trouble "letting go" of control when it comes to the "how" things get done.

In a recent Reddit thread asking for advice on this exact topic, one comment hit the nail on the head:

"My wife & I have a rule: if you insist that there's one right way to do something and (furthermore) insist on supervising it, you just claimed that job. On the spot. You might be surprised how much drama that has helped us avoid."

This stuck out to me because it reminds me so much of my own household.

I do all the dishes in our home, and one thing I really appreciate is that I never hear a word about it unless my wife or one of the kids needs a specific dish washed at a specific time. Otherwise, the kitchen sink is my domain!

Likewise, I don't moan about the mealplans that my wife makes. I'm happy to give my input when she wants it, or recommend something, but you won't catch me grumbling that I'm not in the mood for chili when she's gone through the immense trouble of planning that meal already.

It's a really solid rule of thumb. If you want it done a very specific way, and not just done, do it yourself.

laundry in washing machine Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

I asked Kelly Hubbell, who helps busy parents create a healthy division of labor in their household, for her tips on this common conundrum.

She sometimes asks couples who are in conflict over chores to think of division of labor instead of "partner collaboration," to get through to them that they need to work together to keep the household afloat.

"A great starting point is defining roles and expectations by setting up a 'standard of care' that both partners can agree on," she says.

In other words, have that conversation about what it truly means for someone to "do the dishes." When should they be done by, is it OK to leave a couple things in the sink if they won't fit in the dishwasher, do they need to be dried and put away or can that happen the next day? Hash it out in a collaborative way that you both agree on.

"By aligning on what’s most important for your family and agreeing (and compromising) ahead of time on how tasks will be done, you can avoid unnecessary conflict and focus on what really matters: quality time and shared goals."

Here's the big catch with the "you just claimed it rule." Guys have to participate in full good faith.

Weaponized incompetence, division of labor, mental load. These are all hot button words that can put husbands on the defensive, but the truth is that none of this matters if men aren't showing up at home and doing their share.

(Plenty of data shows that, on average, women are still doing way more at home.)

Hubbell says that you have to both agree to a standard of care for your home.

Only occasionally doing the dishes when you feel like it, or only doing some of them, or making your wife do literally everything is not an acceptable standard.

And if she doesn't get to nitpick how you do your chores, you don't get to nitpick hers either.

Outside of that, we should all be able to agree that the only wrong way to load the dishwasher is if the dishes are coming out still dirty! If they're clean, live and let live.

marriage

Popular

Surprising 16-year-long ADHD study reveals opposite of what researchers expected

The findings shed new light on how we might one day understand and manage ADHD.

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Our understanding of ADHD has come a long way in just a few short years.

It wasn't even formally recognized as a medical condition until the 1960s! By the time the 90s rolled around, diagnoses and stimulant prescriptions were extremely prevalent.

Today, diagnoses and treatment are a lot more thoughtful and individualized, and there are more options for treatment and therapy. But we still have more to learn.

A new long-term study published in the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry has proven to be an excellent next step in getting a better understanding of the disorder.

483 participants who were diagnosed with ADHD in childhood were assessed for a period of 16 years. The study's authors wanted to get a sense of how ADHD symptoms might change over time.

What the researchers found surprised them.

In most participants, symptoms of ADHD fluctuated greatly over the years. What surprised them even more were the environmental factors that seemed to play a role in those fluctuations.

a close up of a human brain on a white background Photo by BUDDHI Kumar SHRESTHA on Unsplash

Researchers expected that greater life demands — like more responsibility at work, a heavier workload at school, major life changes, etc. — would exacerbate ADHD symptoms. What they found was the opposite.

It makes sense that a person that struggles with inattention or hyperactivity might have more trouble focusing when they have more "going on," more distractions to pull them in different directions.

It was a huge surprise to the researchers that, actually, people's ADHD symptoms seemed to ease up when life got hectic.

“We expected the relationship between environmental demands and ADHD symptoms to be the opposite of what we found,” study author, professor, and clinical psychologist Margaret H. Sibley explained. “We hypothesized that when life demands and responsibilities increased, this might exacerbate people’s ADHD, making it more severe. In fact, it was the opposite. The higher the demands and responsibilities one was experiencing, the milder their ADHD.”

I have a 4-year-old with ADHD and the findings totally track for me.

We find it's actually easier to be in perpetual motion sometimes — out running errands, doing activities, visiting friends and family — versus staying put too long. When we're just relaxing at home, that's when she tends to start bouncing off the walls!

Doing nothing or doing very little is not often a restful state for people with ADHD.

Their brains have more background noise than neurotypical brains — so a quiet, seemingly restful environment can sometimes amplify racing thoughts, negative self-talk, and impulsive behavior versus dampening it.

Of course, as always in science, you have to be careful assuming causation from the findings.

a boy doing schoolwork at wooden desk Annie Spratt/Unsplash

The results of the study don't definitively prove that being busy causes a decrease in ADHD symptoms.

“This might mean that people with ADHD perform their best in more demanding environments (perhaps environments that have stronger immediate consequences, like needing to put food on the table for a family or pay rent monthly). It also might mean that people with ADHD take more on their plate when their symptoms are relatively at bay," Sibley says.

But the correlation is certainly strong and worthy of more study.

In the meantime, the study's authors think the results could be viewed in a hopeful light for people just learning to manage their ADHD.

“If you’re a doctor talking with a patient who is first getting diagnosed with ADHD, it’s a huge help for that person to hear the message that, ‘You’re going to have good years and not-so-good years, but things can go really well for you if you can get the right factors in place,'” Sibley said.

We're learning more and more about what those factors are — what might exacerbate symptoms, what types of things can help. And we're starting to get a better and better picture of how people can manage this challenging disorder.

adhd

Powerful Tweet reveals a harsh truth Girl Dads don't want to admit

Whether you intimidate boyfriends or set hard curfews, we're all afraid of the same thing.

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Fathers on all sides of the political spectrum share at least one thing in common: We're protective of our little girls. Yes, the 'shotgun-wielding dad' who intimidates gentlemen callers is an old cliche, but even though his methods may be a little outdated, his heart is usually in the right place.

We know that, fair or not, the world is more dangerous for daughters than it is for our sons. And it's not just dads! Uncles, big brothers, family friends. They all make sure to keep an extra watchful eye on the young girls of the family.

What we need to talk about more out loud is what, exactly, we're so afraid of.

To that end, a recent viral post on X brilliantly pointed out the truth.

"One time years ago I said 'men are trash' and my dad got really annoyed by it. my mum had to stop and ask him 'when you're warning her not to be out late, to be careful, telling her that it's not safe etc who are you warning her about? not women'"

Holy cow, what a mic drop.

— (@)

There's been a growing sentiment online that wonders if we've been 'too mean' to men.

First, there was the #MeToo movement, which gained steam in around 2017. It was a time when staggering numbers of women felt empowered to come forward with stories of sexual assault, harassment, and more.

Quickly, "good guys" spoke up to reassure the world that "Not all men are bad!"

#NotAllMen, almost instantly, became a hashtag used to mock people who were dismissive of women's concerns about the state of, well, men.

In 2024, conversations about the male loneliness epidemic have taken centerstage. Ideas that men have been disenfranchised to the point of radicalization. That they've been forgotten about in a society that pushes for progress for every other group but them.

In short, "Stop being so mean to men!'

The post from user mariaalcoptia beautifully illustrates the hypocrisy at play: Even men know that men are dangerous!

Maria's reply was in response to another post that explained the phenomenon even further:

"I don’t think men have heard what fathers tell their daughters about men. Nobody hates men more, nobody is a bigger misandrist than fathers who actually love their daughters. All they do is slander their fellow men to their daughters from morning to night," wrote user sugabelly.

"Girl Dads hate men."

— (@)

As a progressive-minded and, at least I'd like to think, solid guy, even I get bummed out about the bombardment of "men are terrible" messaging I see anytime I'm online.

It's hard not to get defensive, and to resist the urge to shout "Not all of us!"

But deep down we know it's true. There are huge problems with men and masculinity in our country that are making it a worse place for everyone else.

It's why we interrogate potential boyfriends and teach our daughters crotch kicks and how to throw a punch, and why we want to know where they're going and who they're with and when they'll be back.

(And it's why we aren't nearly as protective of our boys.)

It's not because of the bogeyman. It's because of other men.

The sooner we can put our feelings aside and all admit that, the sooner we can get to work on making things better.

Being as thoughtful about how we raise our sons as we are about protecting daughters would be a good place to start!

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Parenting

Tom Brady says parents today don't let kids fail enough. Is he right?

“Every time they mess up, we send them to an easier place to succeed.”

By Congressman Charlie Crist - Public Domain & Unsplash

Tom Brady — ever heard of him? The multi-time Super Bowl winner, NFL MVP, and pretty much the most decorated NFL athlete of all time retired from on-field play before last season. But he's been keeping himself pretty dang busy in retirement with a broadcasting gig, becoming part-owner of the Las Vegas Raiders, and of course, being a dad to his three kids.

Tom Brady recently spoke at a Fortune Global Forum event about his leadership style and how business executives could learn from his self-made success. His thoughts on leading as a father were much more interesting. And in his opinion? Some parents are too quick to coddle these days.

“Think of today’s world, how we screw these kids up,” Tom said. “Every time they mess up, we send them to an easier place to succeed.”

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

What he means is that we might steer them away from goals that are too lofty or likely to lead to disappointment. He thinks parents are too quick to discourage their kids from 'reaching for the stars' in order to save them from heartbreak, especially when they're uber-talented.

His parents sure didn't, and look how it worked out for him!

“The blessing my parents gave me was when I was that long shot as a kid who was a backup quarterback on a freshman team? They never said, ‘Man, don't do that. It's gonna be too hard. Let's do something different. Let's think about another backup plan.’ They kind of said, ‘You know what? Go for it. Whatever you want to be, go for it.’ And that's probably my parenting style," he said.

What do experts think? Is Tom Brady right? Are parents today too "soft"?

"I think some are and it's not a bad thing," says Dr. Cynthia Edwards-Hawver, a licensed psychologist.

It's a matter of more and more parents shifting their priorities, she says.

"Parents today are more likely to prioritize emotional intelligence, mental health, and individuality in their kids, which can be mistaken for 'softness.'"

man in red and white football jersey holding white and red football Photo by Cian Leach on Unsplash

We're all so much more aware of mental health concerns than we were a few decades ago. Efforts to protect longterm mental well-being in kids can sometimes be perceived as coddling.

But let's be real: Not every kid will grow up to be the Tom Brady of their field. Pushing hard to achieve your dreams is a good thing, but it's easy to push too far and sacrifice your mental and physical health. And there aren't always seven Super Bowl rings and hundreds of millions of dollars waiting for you on the other end.

Kids today also face more pressure than ever to achieve, in part due to social media. But they're also being pressured to specialize at ridiculously early ages (in sports, academics, etc.) or risk "falling behind" despite research showing there's no need to do so.

Times have changed since Tom Brady was the backup QB at Michigan! It's OK for parents to be mindful of that balancing act and of modern concerns young people face.

Of course, there is some truth to Tom Brady's criticism. Protecting your kids from failure and heartbreak isn't doing them any favors, instead it robs them of a chance to learn accountability, independence, and resilience.

"There’s a fine line between encouragement and pressure. Make sure your child knows that their worth isn’t tied to their achievements," Edwards-Hawver says.

I don't know about the business advice, but Tom did close with some good words of encouragement for all the parents out there.

“The parents in the room know that being a parent is probably the hardest job all of us have and we screw up a lot and I've screwed up a lot as a parent,” he said. “So I don't want to seem like I'm some expert in parenting because I'm certainly not that.”

"I try to just be dependable and consistent for them and honestly, whatever our kids choose as we know to do whatever they want to do in life, we gotta support.”

He added that one of his sons wants to play pro basketball, but Tom didn't know if he'd ever develop the vertical leap to do it. Regardless, he always ensures his son that it'll happen one day if he keeps working — even though he can't really promise that for sure.

"I want him to know that his dad's got his back."

Now that's a winning mindset.

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Motherhood

Watch this mom accurately predict every adorable thing her toddlers say

My favorite is "Oh, yeah, pancake time!"

haileyosbrne/TikTok

Funny things start to happen when you live with people. You notice their patterns, words and phrases they use over and over, their behaviors. Sometimes those things rub off on you and affect your personality. Other times, you just start to know them so well you could almost literally finish their sentences.

Nowhere is this more true than for people with young kids. Children have no filter, very little inhibition, and terrible self-awareness — so they tend to do and say a lot of the same things repeatedly.

One mom on TikTok capitalizes on her intimate knowledge of the inner working of her kid's brain in a series of hilarious TikToks.

Hailey Osborne's videos, aptly named "Predicting everything my toddler says!" border on demonstrations of paranormal psychic powers.

They're also absolutely hilarious.

When she tells her daughter "It's snack time, sis," Hailey immediately mouths along with perfect synchronization as her toddler responds, "What kind of snack?"

At the zoo, she points out a snake, then accurately predicts — "It's kinda spooky!"

For breakfast, "I'm gonna make some pancakes." The response? "Oh yeah, pancake time!"

You've got to watch the whole series. Hailey's prediction skills are pretty amazing (though she also posts plenty of hysterical fails), but the joy and love you see on her face throughout the entire series will make it the best thing you watch all day.

@haileyosbrne
Last one is still my favroite👶🏻😭 haha here are this weeks predictions! I added a few from the last video that got taken down😒 #momlife #sahm #momsoftiktok #toddlermom #momtok #mom #funnytoddler #toddlermom #toddlers

Hailey's viewers are obsessed with the series.

Every time Hailey posts a video, the comments pour in:

"You're so attuned to your children! Love it!"

"In case no one has told you today... You are a great mom."

"I love this. You know your babies so well!"

"That's the sweetest thing I ever saw."

One thing almost everyone seems to admire is how Hailey gets amazing content out of her kids without hardly ever showing their faces. It's awesome to see a parenting influencer crushing it without completely sacrificing the family's privacy!

@haileyosbrne
The last one is my favorite hehe love my girl! #momlife #mom #sahm #momsoftiktok #toddlermom #toddlers #funnytoddler

As much as I love watching the videos, personally, what I really want to do is try this at home.

The "psychic connection" demonstrated in Hailey's videos is actually a documented scientific fact — and it's something you can work on.

A fascinating recent study out of the University of Washington took incredibly detailed brain scans of mothers and their 5-year-old children. It showed that during some interactions, the neurons in both mother and child's brain appeared to behave in the exact same way "doing a dance together at the same rhythm at the same time in the same places in these two brains.”

When babies sync their brainwaves to their parents (mostly mom), it helps them learn to interpret social cues and develop crucial socio-emotional skills.

For example, the stronger the link between brains, the more likely a baby or young child is to take social and emotional cues from mom. In one study, researchers had moms react positively or negatively to toys. Kids with strong synchrony with mom were more likely to react the same way.

And if you're looking to strengthen your neural synchrony with your own baby? Try making lots of eye contact.

Sharing lots of eye contact from a young age means that you, too, one day may be able to predict every word out of their mouths!

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