upworthy

Doyin Richards

Family

A letter to the woman who told me to stay in my daughter's life after seeing my skin.

'I'm not a shiny unicorn. There are plenty of black men like me who love fatherhood.'

Doyin Richards

Dad and daughters take a walk through Disneyland.

True
Fathers Everywhere

To a stranger I met at a coffee shop a few years ago who introduced me to what my life as a parent would be like:

My "welcome to black fatherhood moment" happened five years ago, and I remember it like it happened yesterday.

I doubt you'll remember it, though — so let me refresh your memory.



It was a beautiful Saturday morning in Los Angeles in 2011, and I decided to walk my then 3-month-old daughter to the corner Starbucks. That's when I met you — a stylish older white woman who happened to be ahead of me in line.

You were very friendly and offered up many compliments about how cute my daughter was, and I agreed wholeheartedly with you. She's cute.

But after you picked up your drink, you delivered this parting shot:

"No offense, but it's not often that I see black guys out with their kids, but it's such a wonderful thing," she said. "No matter what happens, I hope you stay involved in her life."

And then you put on your designer sunglasses and left.

Meanwhile, I was like...

celebrity, racism, challenges, stigmas

That was unexpected.

GIF from "Live with Kelly and Michael."

Here's the thing: I'm not angry with you, but I want you to understand the impact you had on my life.

Do I think you're a mean-spirited racist? No, I don't. Actually, I bet you're a really nice lady.

But let's be real for a second: Your view on black dads was tough for me to stomach, and I want you to know a few things about what it's really like to be me.

1. I want you to know that we have challenges that other dads don't experience.

I know what you're thinking: "Oh boy — let me brace myself while he 'blacksplains' how hard his life is while shaming me for ignoring my white privilege."

But that would be missing the point. We all have our challenges in life, and I'm not about to bring a big bottle of whine to a pity party.

Instead, as you probably know, today's dads are trying to shed the stigma of being clueless buffoons.

nurture, unicorn, mainstream media

Kid, you're gonna love this! Wheeeee ... uh oh.

Image from Giphy.

But black dads have an additional obstacle to hurdle in that we're often seen as completely disinterested in fatherhood. Trust me, it gets old when people automatically assume you're not good at something because of the color of your skin.

Our encounter was the first of many examples of this that I've witnessed, directly or indirectly, in my five and a half years of fatherhood, and I'm sure there will be more to come.

2. I want you to know that I'm not a shiny unicorn. There are plenty of black men just like me who love fatherhood.

During the months that followed our brief meeting, I felt a need to prove that you — a complete stranger — were wrong. I needed to prove there were plenty of black men just like me who loved being dads.

I knew a lot of these great men personally: My dad, my two brothers, and many others embraced fatherhood. But could any data back up how much black dads embraced fatherhood? Because the examples in mainstream media were few and far between.

Thankfully, the answer is yes.

A few years after I met you, a study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention showed that 70% of black dads are likely to engage in common child-rearing activities such as diaper changing, bathing, toilet training, etc., on a daily basis. That's a higher percentage than white or Hispanic fathers.

Full stop.

This isn't about black dads being "the best" because parenthood isn't a competition. It's about showing that we're not even remotely as bad as society makes us out to be.

And outside of the CDC study, I saw firsthand how hands-on black dads are when I was thrust into the public eye, too, because a lot of them reached out to me to tell their stories.

We nurture our kids.

dads, social norms, ethnicity, privilege

Getting close to the twins.

Photo taken from the Daddy Doin' Work Instagram feed and used with permission.

We're affectionate with our kids.

fatherhood, children, family, parenting

Love is universal.

Photo taken from the Daddy Doin' Work Instagram feed and used with permission.

And we do whatever our kids need us to do.

equality, community, gender roles

Dad takes a deserved nap.

Photo taken from the Daddy Doin' Work Instagram feed and used with permission.

And none of that should come as a surprise to anyone.

3. I want you to know that I believe you meant well when you praised me for being involved in my daughter's life, but that's what I'm programmed to do.

Disneyland, fathers, daughters, ethnicity

Princess dresses at Disneyland? You bet.

Photo taken from the Daddy Doin' Work Instagram feed and used with permission.

I will always be there for her and her baby sister.

Even though I just described how black dads are different from many dads, I hope the takeaway you have from this is that we have a lot of similarities, too.

Please don't fall into the trap of saying that you want to live in a colorblind world because it makes it harder to identify with inequality when it happens. Instead, I hope you can recognize that we have the same hopes, dreams, and fears as other parents, but the roads we travel may not be the same.

And no, I don't want an apology.

But I hope when you pick up your next latte and see a dad who looks like me that you'll smile knowing he's the rule rather than the exception.


This article originally appeared on 06.15.16

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I didn't respect my dad's job as a janitor. This is what I would tell him now.

Today she's proud to be a janitor's daughter, but she didn't always feel that way.

True
Fathers Everywhere

Argelia is a 39-year-old Mexican-American mom of two. She works as a training coordinator in Los Angeles, has a great family, and is known to wake up with a smile every day.

She gives a lot of credit to her late dad, Angel, though, who taught her the value of hard work and sacrifice. Her only regret is it took her a while to realize what he provided for his family. This is her story as told to Upworthy.


All photos provided by Argelia, used with permission.


Dear Dad,

Parents often say to their children, "You'll understand when you have kids." I never got that before, but now, in my case, I feel like that's very true.

Only a parent can understand the sacrifice you made to leave my mom, me sister, and me in Mexico to come work in the United States. As a 2-year-old, I didn't understand why you weren't with us. You were that faraway mystery — "my dad" — the wonderfully sweet man who would call me before bedtime to say, "good night."

I remember standing in my mom's room around all of your clothes asking: "Do you think he misses me? Do you think he likes me?" I thought about you all the time. You were a larger-than-life hero in my mind.

Two years later, when we finally moved to the United States to be with you, I found out that you were everything I had imagined, and many things I had not.

A young Argelia spending some quality time with her dad.

I didn't understand why you were always working. You left for work every day as soon as I got home from school and returned after I was already asleep. You even worked on weekends. To me, you were still the mystery that I thought about so often while in Mexico.

But instead of trying to figure you out, I just went with the flow. Being from another country, I focused on fitting in with everyone else instead, and that went on for a few years. But things got real once my classmates started sharing what their parents did for a living.

"My dad is a doctor," one said.

"My parents own a business," another said.

That's when I went home and asked you what you did for a living, and you told me that you were a janitor at a hospital. I was devastated.

Angel enjoying some rare downtime at work.

I heard how the kids joked with each other at my school by saying, "You're going to grow up and be a janitor."

As if that was the worst thing a person could become.

At that point, I realized there was absolutely no way I was going to tell my friends that my dad was a janitor. I avoided the subject for as long as I could before I finally created the lie that you were a scientist. My friends were impressed, but they had no idea how empty I felt inside.

It wasn't until high school that I started caring less about the opinions of others and more about the great man you were.

Finally Argelia learned to understand her dad.

I learned that many of the same classmates, with dads who were doctors and lawyers, told stories of how these men verbally and physically abused them, abandoned them, and ignored them.

What is a parent's love, anyway? In my heart, I learned that it meant sacrifice, hard work, patience, and knowing that you would do anything for our family.

For so long, I didn't give you credit for being the man you were and for all of the things you did for us — without fanfare, without complaint, and without rest. You did these things to establish yourself in this country, to find a home in a nice neighborhood so that my sister and I could have a good education and pursue our own dreams.

But by the time I realized all of this, you were gone.

Three months before I turned 18 and one year before I became an American citizen, you died after a tragic accident. You weren't there to witness everything you had hoped for me coming to fruition.

Now, I work in the same hospital that you worked in so tirelessly for all those years.

I walk the halls and wonder if some of the faces I see were faces you saw. Because of that, I always make sure to smile and say hello to everyone — from the friendly people to the ones who just walk by without giving me a second glance. I do it because I know that's what you would've wanted.

I've never forgotten the lessons you taught me — lessons you probably had no idea you were teaching me.

Those lessons changed my life.

Argelia with her two kids, Natalia and Sebastian.

When I became a mom, I promised myself that I would pass on those lessons to my kids.

Hard work, humility, and most importantly, to place more value on a person's heart instead of their clothes, their houses, their cars, or their job titles.

Speaking of job titles, today I am proud to say that I'm the daughter of a janitor because you embodied everything that I know to be good in this world.

When my daughter graduates from high school this June, Dad, you will be in my heart, and I will take immense pride in knowing that the lessons you taught me are alive in a new generation.

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A paralyzed dad lived his dream by walking his daughter down the aisle.

Using a futuristic suit, a loving dad was able to be present on his own terms for his daughter's wedding day.

Many dads dream about the moment they will walk their daughters down the aisle, but for one dad his dream didn't seem like it would become a reality.

Chris Palmer is a 55-year-old dad who wanted nothing more than to walk next to his daughter Heather on her wedding day. Sadly, he became paralyzed once cancer infected his body, rendering him unable to walk on his own.


Image via SWNS TV/YouTube.

Chris could've easily used his wheelchair to be with Heather on her special day, but that's not how he wanted it to go down.

He was determined to walk down that aisle, no matter what.

After conducting some research, Chris came across a company called REX Bionics that created a futuristic device called ... well, REX.

Put simply, REX provides paralyzed individuals with the ability to walk on their own in a hands-free manner.

Think "Iron Man" — only, ya know, real.

"It's a mechanism [used for people] to stand, to walk, to be the right height, and have that social interaction, but also to exercise," said spinal specialist Nick Birch in a video about the device.

Image via Rex Bionics/YouTube.

With over 12,000 reported spinal cord injuries in the U.S. alone each year, this technology could help a lot of people.

Chris knew this could be the answer he was looking for, but REX is not cheap. The device itself costs over $100,000. Thankfully the company let him borrow it for his daughter's special day.

GIF via SWNS TV/YouTube.

And when Heather's wedding arrived, a dad kept his promise by walking her down the aisle in an emotional ceremony.

The attendees couldn't help but express their happiness when they watched Palmer walking with his extremely proud daughter — no matter how long it took for him to do it.

GIF via SWNS TV/YouTube.

Many children see their dads as superheroes. On Heather's wedding day, Palmer did everything in his power to be one.

But his superpower wasn't being able to walk that day. It was showing his daughter how far he would go to show how much he loves her.

You can see the whole video here.


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13 more illustrations of the daddy-daughter bond that will melt your heart.

If you liked Soosh's first set of daddy-daughter photos, you'll love these.

Not too long ago, an artist named Soosh took the web by storm with her paintings depicting dad and daughter relationships. Now she's back with more.

Soosh, as she's affectionately known, is an extremely talented painter with a very compelling story. Her father wasn't a big part of her life growing up, and that still haunts her to this day. But now she's turning a negative into a positive by creating illustrations that show how a dad should interact with his daughter.

The main goal is to inspire her 9-year-old son to be a good man and father in the future, and in doing so, she ended up inspiring many people when her artwork hit the mainstream on Instagram and her website.


"The positive reaction makes me feel so good," Soosh told Upworthy. "You always kinda presume there are many good people in the world, but when you have the chance to make sure it's true, it's like a revelation."

But even though Soosh's artwork is extremely popular, it doesn't have a 100% approval rating.

Why is the dad so big?

It makes no sense that you only draw fathers. Where is the mother?

Those are two of the most common critiques Soosh receives from the outside, and she's here to drop some knowledge those people.

"The father is so big because he represents the huge importance of loving parent or family member in a child's life. And the little girl, who happens to be me, represents a child's need for love, protection, and support. This documents what I hoped for my own personal experience, but in reality, it doesn't matter if it's a mother or father, because the universal message here is about love. No matter who gives it."

And with that, here are 13 more heartwarming illustrations that perfectly describe the daddy-daughter relationship.

1. Dads know how to get busy in the kitchen.

All illustrations are provided by Soosh and used with permission.

2. And they aren't afraid to learn new skills if it means making their kids happy.

3. They know their limitations when it comes to playing hide and seek.

4. They also know the importance of teaching their daughters to hold their ground, no matter what.

5. And they are always willing to accept treatment for all external or internal wounds.


6. Dads know that you don't have to do much to enjoy a quality bonding experience.

7. It can be a simple shadow puppet show.


8. Or the occasional costume party.

9. But dads know that when they work late, there will be crushed little ones at home who miss them.


10. So they do everything possible to be present for every precious milestone and moment.

11. Including bath time.

12. Or when love is discovered.

13. Because when it comes to being a dad, the snuggle is real.



And this, my friends, is what fatherhood should look like today and everyday.