A 30-year-old gay man took to r/NoStupidQuestions with, one could argue, a question that put the name of the subreddit to the test.
"Why do women behave so strangely until they find out I'm gay?"
User u/taco_nacho_burrito wrote that when he talks to women, they start off "super quiet, reserved, uninterested in making any sort of effort into whatever the interaction is."
Once he turns on the more flamboyant side of his personality, or mentions his boyfriend, the interactions do a 180 and women become "bright, bubbly and conversational."
Why is that?
Women were quick to chime in with the obvious answer. And more than a few stories.
Photo by LexScope on Unsplash
User sunny_hill_1 put it the best and most succinctly:
"Many times if a girl is bright, conversational, nice, and kind to a straight man, these straight men will take it as flirting. So women act reserved and uninterested to not invite romantic attention. Once they realize that you aren't going to be interested in them, they relax and can act bright and bubbly without it being taken the wrong way."
As if there was any doubt, the women in the comments came with receipts.
User S0baka wrote how they once touched a guy friend on the forearm and he went on have a relentless and aggressive crush on her for two years. Two years for a friendly forearm touch!
u/premadecookiedough writes: "Had a coworker of about 3 days once break up with his gf because I'm a totally easy lay and have been all over him at work. He bragged about it to multiple coworkers. Someone had to break it to him that I am both gay and in a relationship and I really was just being friendly."
u/Saturniids84 added: "The years I spent working retail/waitressing taught me men will convince themselves you are into them if you give them nothing more than a polite smile and friendly customer service. Just about every young female coworker I ever had ended up with a stalker or two. You learn young not to give men anything they could remotely misinterpret as interest."
"The potential threat disappears with your assumed heterosexuality. What you're seeing is them relaxing," explains u/pootles_carrot
How straight men can make women more comfortable in conversation
Photo by Megan Bucknall on Unsplash
The explanation makes total sense. It's not that women are suddenly excited about the (problematic) prospect of having a "gay best friend," it's that they feel safe enough to actually let their personality out without repercussions.
But where does that leave heterosexual men who want the women they interact with to feel safe? What do you do if you don't want someone to feel uncomfortable talking to you, but you don't know how to counteract the years of conditioning that have led them to that survival instinct?
Some of the Reddit commenters had some good ideas, and I reached out to a few experts, as well. Here are some tips — not for dating or flirting — but for how to have better and more positive human interactions.
Be mindful of proximity and touch.
Don't stand too close or attempt any physical contact, even if it's friendly.
"It’s much better to get to be too impersonal early on than coming off too strongly," says Thomas Banta, a clinical mental health counselor.
Talk to women like men
"Pay attention to how you talk to women vs the other men in your life," adds Banta. "If you’re saying [something] to a woman you’d never say to a guy, there’s a good chance that what you’re saying can be interpreted as flirty or boundary pushing."
Avoid physical compliments
"Compliments or observations should center around shared experiences, ideas, or interests, rather than anything that could be misinterpreted as personal or suggestive," suggests Joseph Cavins, a licensed marriage and family therapist.
"When a woman feels like she is being appreciated for her thoughts and perspectives, it fosters a sense of ease and mutual respect.
Be clear about intentions, but don't overexplain
Being explicit in the fact that you're not flirting can be reassuring, but don't overdo it.
Cavins adds that trying too hard to prove you're a good guy can come across as manipulative.
Be woman-approved
"Women trust 'straight' men that have been verified by other women. You having a baby is enough signal for women to feel safer around you and let their guard down" writes reddit user a_chill_transplant.
If you're really just looking for a friendly chat, bringing along a female friend or going out of your way to mention your spouse could help lower a person's guard.
If you can't be gay, be old!
The general consensus seems to be that the older the man, the less likely he is to get weird.
"Men absolutely become safer with age and the exact same compliments go from hackles up to, 'oh, thank you'." - breadystinellis
Although, commenters in the thread point out, be extra careful here. The betrayal and disgust when a so-called "safe" older guy turns creepy can be devastating.
It's heartbreaking to read how young the conditioning starts for most women. By the time most are 13 or so, they're already starting to learn how to suppress their personalities in certain situations so as not to give men "the wrong idea."
Straight guys can help by a) not being creeps and b) not getting upset when women we don't know are cold or standoffish. They have a lifetime of data that says they probably can't trust us.
Trust is something that has to be earned.
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