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A simple 'test' can help identify potentially abusive partners early in a relationship.

This could save the life of you or someone you love.

domestic abuse, domestic abuse signs

Know the signs of a domestic abuser.

Most abusers don't start their relationships by hitting their partners. That's why early warning signs are vital to recognize.

I know two women who recently left abusive partners. Both men seemed sweet and likable—even gentle—each time I saw them. Both had some lovely qualities as people and even as partners. And both turned out to be controlling, increasingly abusive partners behind closed doors.


The thing about domestic violence is that most people don't enter into relationships with someone who abuses them from the get go. It's often like the analogy of the frog in boiling water. If you place a frog into a pot of boiling water, it'll jump right out. But if you put it in a cool pot and gradually increase the temperature, the frog won't recognize that it's being slowly cooked until it's too late.

Abuse usually comes on gradually, with plenty of opportunity to manipulate and forgive and justify the water getting warmer. That's why many stay in abusive relationships far longer than they should.

A domestic violence counselor suggests a simple test to help identify potential abusers early in a relationship.

Rob Andrews is a domestic violence counselor in Australia. He told ABC News that he advises people to use what he calls the "No Test" to identify potential red flags early on in a relationship.

"The No Test is basically to watch out for the way your partner responds the first time you change your mind or say no," Andrews said.

"While expressing disappointment is OK, it's not the same as annoyed. Annoyed is 'how dare you,' a sign of ownership or entitlement."

Ownership, entitlement, control—these are red flags that often lead to increasingly abusive behavior. And though women can definitely be abusers, the reality is that women are much more likely to be the victims of domestic violence and male abusers tend to be more dangerous to their partners.

"A lot of the women who will present to services will see themselves as part of the problem," Andrews said. "They'll ask themselves why they're always attracted to abusive men, blame themselves for not being assertive enough, blame themselves for pushing their partner's buttons, causing their anger."

"With the No Test, we're not trying to give women knowledge that they didn't already know," he said, "but when they see it in black and white in front of them like that, they realize they of course have the right to say no, that they aren't to blame."

Andrews describes our patriarchal history as "the nut of the problem."

Andrews said that some people erroneously tell women that they should just be more assertive with their partners, letting them know they won't stand for controlling or abusive behavior, but that's not always the best tack to take.

"Being assertive with a man who's threatening to bash you is not a very good idea," he said. "It almost comes from what I'd call 'deficit thinking,' that somehow these women need to be trained up so that the people won't abuse them. The only person who can stop the abuse is the person who is doing the abusing."

Andrews works with men who are struggling with their own behavior and want to change. He has them think about what kind of man they really want to be and work with them to align their behavior with that vision.

"I hear a lot of people saying how it's so hard for men now, it's all so confusing," he said. "It's very easy to be a man. Just be polite and respectful to people, it's not that difficult really."

"But in saying that," he added, "we are to some extent dealing with 2,000 years of history of women being a second-class citizen. That's the nut of the problem and we've got to keep chipping away at it."


This article originally appeared on 02.11.19

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Joy

5 more things that made us smile this week

We love to see single moms succeed, strangers reaching out to help, and parents pushing back against bigotry.

True

In a time where the world feels more divided than ever, we could all use a pick-me-up. With that in mind, we’ve scoured the internet to bring you five feel-good pieces of news and media that put a smile on our faces (and we bet it’ll put one on yours, too).

This week, we’re loving:

This woman’s life-saving good deed

Hockey fan Nadia Popovici was at a game in 2022 when she noticed something strange: an irregular mole on the back of Brian Hamilton, one of the team’s assistant equipment managers. Popovici had experience looking at cancerous moles during her experience volunteering in oncology wards, so she quickly flagged Hamilton down and warned him through the plexiglass that his mole looked cancerous. Hamilton had the mole biopsied—and found Popovici had been right. “She saved my life,” Hamilton said later in a press conference.

Subaru is sharing the love this holiday season

Who knew that buying a car could be an act of love? During the annual Subaru Share the Love® Event, getting a car means supporting the charities you love the most. With every new Subaru purchased or leased, Subaru and its retailers will donate at least $300 to local and national charities, including the ASPCA®, Make-A-Wish®, Meals on Wheels, and the National Park Foundation, among others. And here's another thing to celebrate: After 17 years of the Subaru Share the Love Event nearly $320 million has been donated to charity!

This dad's perfect response to anti-gay bigotry

@fitxander Some AWESOME shade from my dad 😂🌈 #gay #dad @claire_training ♬ Kings & Queens - Ava Max

Sometimes, when a person throws shade, you have to throw it right back. That’s what Xander’s dad did, when a neighbor told him that having two gay kids (Xander and his sister, Claire) meant that he “failed as a parent.” His response? To cover his entire house and yard with pride flags. Go, dad!

This perfect example of brotherly love

You’ve never seen something more heartwarming than this boy helping his little brother before school. According to a TikTok video uploaded by his mom, this amazing kid “always reassures his little brother he’s going to have a great day at school,” giving him a hug, a kiss, and some reassuring words. No, you’re crying.

This single mom who passed her bar exam on the very first try

Taking the bar exam to become a lawyer is tough—so tough that most people can’t do it on their first try, even after months of studying. Which is why this video is downright joyous to watch. In the video, single mom and TikTok user @yougonloverhi records her and her son’s reactions as they find out that she passed the California Bar Exam on the first try. Supermom!

For more reasons to smile, check out all the ways Subaru is sharing the love this holiday season, here.

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People are supporting a dad whose wife named their newborn while he went out for coffee

He didn't like the name, either. Shouldn’t it be a 50/50 decision?

via Canva

A mother smiles proudly after naming her baby.

Most people believe that both parents have an equal right to choose their baby’s name and that it should result from an agreement between both parties. That doesn't mean it’s always easy for both people to agree on the same name, but look, if you’re going to be a successful parent, you must know how to make compromises occasionally. Starting the job with your heels dug in does not bode well for anyone.

That’s why the following story is interesting. It shows what happens when a mother decides she can make the decision all by herself and what the fallout is like when her husband and his family find out. The story was recently shared on social media, and the commenters were shocked that she wasn’t sure if she was in the wrong.

"So, my (32F) husband (33M) and I just had our first baby girl a couple of weeks ago,” she begins the story. “We’d been going back and forth on names during my entire pregnancy. I really wanted to name her Eleanor after my late grandmother, who basically raised me when my parents weren’t around. She was my hero, and losing her last year was devastating. Honoring her felt deeply important.”

The woman’s husband preferred modern names such as Nova or Ember, which the mother just “couldn’t connect with,” so they never compromised.

baby names, parents of newborns, momsCaouple can't agree on baby names.via Canva

“On the day our daughter was born, while my husband stepped out to grab coffee, a nurse asked if we had a name for the birth certificate. I know I should have waited, but I was emotional and felt this rush of conviction. I just blurted out, ‘Eleanor.’”

When the husband returned with the coffee, he was “furious.”

“He said I’d blindsided him, robbed him of having a say, and that our daughter would hate her 'old lady' name. His family is also calling me manipulative. I feel terrible about the timing and how it all went down, but it’s not like we hadn’t discussed Eleanor before. I just feel like I honored a name that truly mattered to me when he wouldn’t budge.”

The mother asked the commenters if the father was overreacting because “we couldn’t find common ground.”

The commenters overwhelmingly supported the father in the situation. “You made a unilateral decision about your shared child,” the top commenter wrote. “You literally started her life by using her as a centerpiece for conflict with your husband. You also isolated her from your husband during the first major decision regarding her. What a terrible way to start her life.”

“‘…it’s not like we hadn’t discussed Eleanor before.’ You discussed it and he said no. Personally, I think the name Eleanor is lovely, but that’s not the issue,” another commenter noted. “You unilaterally made a decision —a decision a you knew your husband disagreed with—about your—both of your—child. Your giving birth doesn’t make this child any less his. Your husband and his family are absolutely right. You blindsided him."

baby names, parents of newborns, momsA newborn baby. via Canva

However, a few commenters believed whoever birthed the child had the right to pick the name, even if the father disagreed. “This might be the only daughter you have and if he can’t make it meaningful for you when you just risked your life for this baby and let you have the win then idk,” one of the few supporters of the mother wrote. ”I would let him pick the middle name. Trendy names are overrated.”

The woman who posted her story has yet to follow up and share what happened next, but let’s hope she took the commenters’ advice and apologized to her husband and changed the baby's name. Most agree that it's not fair for him to call his daughter a name he doesn’t like for the rest of their lives and it will always be a sore spot in their relationship. It’s best to bring a child into a family where everyone is on the same page and agrees on the things that matter most.

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Hanson's gorgeous acapella Bee Gees cover shows there's nothing like family harmony

They're so much more than the "MMMBop" band.

via William/Wikimedia Commons

Hanson, singing acapella.

In “How Can You Mend a Broken Heart,” the 2020 documentary about the Bee Gees, Noel Gallagher of Oasis noted that there is something special about when brothers harmonize. He should know since he founded Oasis in 1991 with his brother Liam. “When you got brothers singing, it’s like an instrument that no one else can buy,” Gallagher said. “You can’t go buy that sound in a shop. You can’t sing like the Bee Gees because when you got family members singing together, it’s unique.”

The Bee Gees’ incredible success with his songs “Stayin’ Alive” and “More Than a Woman” proved that there was something to the idea that when siblings sing together, there’s nothing like it. It's probably because brothers may have similar vocal tones and more time to practice while growing up together. Bands like The Beach Boys, The Jackson 5, The Carpenters and the Jonas Brothers all got a leg up on the competition by practicing together since they were little kids.

Another group that’s been around for decades with brothers singing incredible harmonies has been Hanson. Sure, everyone remembers their massive success in the late ‘90s with the inescapable hit “MMMBop.” Still, they’ve developed a loyal following, have three top 20 albums on the Billboard charts and a rigorous touring schedule.

The big draw at their shows is their mix of Hanson hits, incredible covers and buttery harmonies. The Hanson brothers, Isaac, Taylor and Zac, proved the brothers-sing-best theory on stage by singing an acapella version of “Too Much Heaven” by the Bee Gees. What’s even more impressive is that the brothers did it without a microphone, which is a considerable risk because there’s a big chance of being disrupted by the audience.

Here is a version from March 2019, when they performed on stage in Australia, the Bee Gees' home country.

- YouTubeyoutu.be


According to Hanson on Stage, the group has performed the song 26 times live, beginning in 2013. The performance we shared is at the Sydney Opera House, which is probably why the band decided to perform without microphones. The opera house was designed to allow orchestras to be heard without amplification.

“Too Much Heaven” was initially released by the Bee Gees in 1979 as a contribution to the "Music for UNICEF" fund. The band donated all of the proceeds from the single to the charity. It’s a lush ballad featuring nine layers of three-part harmonies by Barry, Maurice and Robin Gibb. The song hit number one in the U.S. and Canada and would later make it to the band’s “Spirits Have Flown” album.

Here is the Bee Gees performing the song in 1993 on the BBC’s Pebble Mill One.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Hanson recently learned they are a big reason brother-and-sister duo Billie Eilish and FINNEAS got into the music industry. “We sat in our studio with Billie Eilish and FINNEAS when they happened to be in town, [with] their parents talking to us saying, ‘We basically decided they should make music ’cause we saw Hanson and you guys seemed like you were OK,'” Taylor told Billboard. “Like, that’s insane … and here they are, they’ve done incredible, beautiful work.”

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British high schoolers try American Southern food for the first time and their minds are blown

"They look exactly like scones."

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British high schoolers try southern food for the first time

Southern food is beloved by many, and those of us raised on it just consider it dinner, not a special cuisine. But since Southern food is pretty geographical, there are plenty of Americans who haven't had the opportunity to try authentic Southern food. There are a few soul food restaurants that get it right sprinkled across the country, but all are not created equal.

And since Southern cooking isn't available throughout all of America, it shouldn't be a surprise that it's not a staple across the pond. Josh Carrott, author of Once Upon A Time in Carrotland, runs the YouTube channel Jolly, where he has people try new foods. He decided to invite a group of British schoolboys to try a few Southern staples. The boys are in year 9 in England, which means they're between the ages of 13 and 14.

Since Carrott isn't Southern, or even American for that matter, I can't say how authentically the food was prepared. What I can say is that my very Southern grandmother would give the sausage gravy preparation the side eye, but other than that, it looked as authentic as possible.

The boys were served biscuits that were perfectly golden, and there was immediate confusion. Apparently biscuits are flat and hard in England, so the boys were sure they were being served scones. It only took one bite for them to come around to the idea of the buttery fluffy delight that is the Southern biscuit. But the taste test for the biscuits wasn't over—Carrott mixed up some white sausage gravy and smothered the delicious bread.

None of the boys were eager to try a meal that many Southern households eat regularly.

"Let's call it interesting for now. I'm not going to make a judgment," one boy says.

"It looks like a chopped-up ferret," another lamented.

To be fair, if you've never seen biscuits and gravy, it doesn't look instantly appealing, but once you try it, the dish suddenly looks amazing every time you encounter it moving forward. Maybe it isn't everyone's favorite thing, but being able to drive through a Whataburger and grab it to go brings me childlike joy.

After trying everything offered, all of the boys agreed that the Southern food was delicious, including the sweet tea. Several of them said they preferred it over their British hot tea—no one tell their parents. It feels like it would be as shocking as finding a Southerner who prefers unsweet tea. You can watch the entire video below.

This article originally appeared last year.

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A toddler on her flight cried for 2 full hours. Her response a masterclass in kindness.

"Let's normalize being good humans while traveling."

Photo credit: Canva

Yes. Sometimes it really is that easy.

Sure, there are parents out there who essentially see the entire world as their kid’s playground, but by and large most parents really don’t want to subject anyone else to the whims of their little ones. This goes for flights too. When a baby or toddler can’t sit still or won’t stop crying, it’s also incredibly stressful for the parents doing their best to keep things calm while essentially becoming in-flight pariahs. Fun.

In other words, a little empathy can go a long way. And that’s why so many are applauding a now-viral TikTok from Samantha Chadwick (@samanthachadwickk), which shows exactly how powerful a simple mindset shift can be.

In the clip we see Chadwick in her airplane seat, headphones on, as the onscreen text reads:

“There’s a baby on my flight that’s been crying non-stop for like two hours. She sounds so uncomfortable, and her parents are working so hard to calm her down. They are probably feeling so much anxiety and pressure right now. People behind them are talking about the baby screaming. So instead of complaining, I just put on my headphones and watched my show & could barely hear her. It’s that easy.”

TLDR: Babies cry. Parents are trying. Thank God for headphones. Keep on keepin’ on.

@samanthachadwickk Lets normalize being good humans while traveling 🫶🏼 #babycrying #babytravel #travel ♬ Use this sound to go viral - Andrew

Chadwick’s message clearly struck a chord with parents who have been in similar circumstances. Many had also been on the receiving end of kindness from strangers, and it was everything.

“As a mom THANK YOU the anxiety you get when your baby cries in places like that is through the roof.”

“My baby screamed for over an hour on a flight, I tried everything to calm him down and felt terrible. as a man was getting off he stopped and told me I did a great job. It really meant the world.”

“I wish EVERYONE was this kind. I ‘ll never forget my baby crying for an entire 6 hour flight after we got stuck in Vegas and I was exhausted and stressed and multiple sweet angels offered to hold my baby.”

Others could agree with Chadwick’s sentiments exactly.

“Those poor parents. Thank you for handling it like an adult.”

“I always feel bad for the parents, so stressful.”

Others echoed the notion that, unlike the parents actually dealing with the crying child, there are some things the other person can control.

“I am SO sensitive to sounds and get incredibly irritable about them. I bring earplugs/headphones bc that’s MY problem. I don’t understand ppl who try to blame others for their issues.”

“I always say as adults we have the option to wear headphones, that baby and parents are suffering more than anyone else on the plane!”

Listen, it’s understandable that people’s fuses have gotten shorter while traveling because, let’s face it, there’s a lot of questionable choices being made these days, and being cramped together in a steel box thousands of feet in the air only makes it more intolerable. But families have also been put through the ringer several times even before boarding the plane and would like a nice, peaceful flight as much as everyone else. We might not like the hand we’re dealt by the flights gods that day, but for those some odd hours, we’re all in this together. So let’s do our part.

Or as Chadwick put it, “Let’s normalize being good humans while traveling.”

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'A Christmas Carol' summarized in Gen Z slang is giving hella holiday cheer

Comedian Richard Franks understood the assignment, no cap.

Richard Franks/Instagram, Book cover in the public domain

You've never seen "A Christmas Carol" summarized like this.

Since its publication in 1843, Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol" has been retold in a zillion different ways, from serious stage plays to animated musicals to a Muppet movie to a horror miniseries. The role of Ebenezer Scrooge (or his character equivalent) has been played by famous actors such as Michael Caine, Bill Murray, Jim Carrey, Patrick Stewart, Albert Finney and Ryan Reynolds. Most of us are at least somewhat familiar with Tiny Tim and the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future, but the beloved holiday tale has never seen a plot summary quite like comedian Richard Franks'.

Franks has been delighting his audience with Gen Z slang summaries of Shakespeare's plays, and now he's doing the same with the classic Dickensian Christmas ghost story. Acting as a teacher in front of a classroom, Franks goes through the plot of "A Christmas Carol" in Gen Z speak with hilarious accuracy. Parents of a teens and young adults will likely recognize a lot of these terms, though they may not know what they actually mean.

Watch how naturally he speaks the lingo:

The best part is that it's actually a perfect summary of the story, though only Gen Z would fully understand it. Older folks may roll their eyes at how younger folks are changing how words are used, but every generation has its own version of language manipulation. The Boomers coined "groovy" and Gen X had "totally radical," after all. Millennials and Gen Z have a lot of crossover between them, but the youngsters have established their own flavor (much of which comes from African-American Vernacular English, or AAVE).

People of all generations are loving Frank's comic take on it all, though.

"You’ve done it again, bruh."

"I haven't finished watching it, I am already laughing. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂"

"Literally the only reason I understood what you’re saying is because I know the plot already, otherwise I’d be done for 😂"

"I love these sketches, they are just genius!! 🙌"

"This is Christmas cheer! (still laughing at 'full on Miley Cyrus and buy yourself flowers')"

If you watched the video in complete befuddlement because you aren't regularly around Gen Zers and have no idea what Franks is saying, here's a glossary to help you out with some of the terminology:

Straight up = truly

Vibes = feeling or mood

No cap = no lie/for real

Tea = gossip/information

Salty AF = very bitter

Throwing shade 24/7 = expressing contempt all day every day

Be giving = is giving off a vibe or feeling

Walking ick = undesirable person

Hella = extremely OR a large amount of (depending on usage)

Pulls up = arrives

Sesh = session

Massive simp = being excessively attentive or affectionate toward someone who's less interested

Nah, bruh = no thanks

Toxic mad riz = manipulative charisma

Ate and left no crumbs = did something perfectly

YOLO = You Only Live Once (same idea as carpe diem)

Bet = yes, I'm in

Slay = do something exceptionally well and with confidence

Low key = basically/undramatically

Understood the assignment = fully grasped the expectation and successfully met it

It's one thing to understand Gen Z's language and it's another to be able to speak it. Some parents like to mess with their kids by attempting to use slang terms and using them completely wrong—always a good laugh. One middle school teacher is on a mission to help parents out by sharing some Gen Alpha slang terms, and another teacher admits to making up slang words to try to convince his students that they're real.

Language is fun, and finding the humor in the way different generations use it makes for excellent comedy. If you want to see more of Richard Franks' Gen Z slang literature lessons, you can follow him on Instagram.

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