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A school replaced detention with meditation. The results are stunning.

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A school replaced detention with meditation. The results are stunning.


Imagine you're working at a school and one of the kids is starting to act up. What do you do?

Traditionally, the answer would be to give the unruly kid detention or suspension.

But in my memory, detention tended to involve staring at walls, bored out of my mind, trying to either surreptitiously talk to the kids around me without getting caught or trying to read a book. If it was designed to make me think about my actions, it didn't really work. It just made everything feel stupid and unfair.

But Robert W. Coleman Elementary School has been doing something different when students act out: offering meditation.

Instead of punishing disruptive kids or sending them to the principal's office, the Baltimore school has something called the Mindful Moment Room instead.

The room looks nothing like your standard windowless detention room. Instead, it's filled with lamps, decorations, and plush purple pillows. Misbehaving kids are encouraged to sit in the room and go through practices like breathing or meditation, helping them calm down and re-center. They are also asked to talk through what happened.

Two young people meditating

Meditation can have profoundly positive effects on the mind and body

Photo from Holistic Life Foundation, used with permission.


Meditation and mindfulness are pretty interesting, scientifically.

children meditation

A child meditates

Photo from Holistic Life Foundation, used with permission.

Mindful meditation has been around in some form or another for thousands of years. Recently, though, science has started looking at its effects on our minds and bodies, and it's finding some interesting effects.

One study, for example, suggested that mindful meditation could give practicing soldiers a kind of mental armor against disruptive emotions, and it can improve memory too. Another suggested mindful meditation could improve a person's attention span and focus.

Individual studies should be taken with a grain of salt (results don't always carry in every single situation), but overall, science is starting to build up a really interesting picture of how awesome meditation can be. Mindfulness in particular has even become part of certain fairly successful psychotherapies.

children yoga

After-school yoga.

Photo from Holistic Life Foundation, used with permission.

Back at the school, the Mindful Moment Room isn't the only way Robert W. Coleman Elementary has been encouraging its kids.

The meditation room was created as a partnership with the Holistic Life Foundation, a local nonprofit that runs other programs as well. For more than 10 years the foundation has been offering the after-school program Holistic Me, where kids from pre-K through the fifth grade practice mindfulness exercises and yoga.

"It's amazing," said Kirk Philips, the Holistic Me coordinator at Robert W. Coleman. "You wouldn't think that little kids would meditate in silence. And they do."

kids meditating

A child meditates at the Holistic Life Foundation

Photo from Holistic Life Foundation, used with permission.

There was a Christmas party, for example, where the kids knew they were going to get presents but were still expected to do meditation first."As a little kid, that's got to be hard to sit down and meditate when you know you're about to get a bag of gifts, and they did it! It was beautiful, we were all smiling at each other watching them," said Philips.

The kids may even be bringing that mindfulness back home with them. In the August 2016 issue of Oprah Magazine, Holistic Life Foundation co-founder Andres Gonzalez said: "We've had parents tell us, 'I came home the other day stressed out, and my daughter said, "Hey, Mom, you need to sit down. I need to teach you how to breathe.'"

The program also helps mentor and tutor the kids, as well as teach them about the environment.

volunteer work

Building a vegetable garden.

Photo from Holistic Life Foundation, used with permission.

They help clean up local parks, build gardens, and visit nearby farms. Philips said they even teach kids to be co-teachers, letting them run the yoga sessions.

This isn't just happening at one school, either. Lots of schools are trying this kind of holistic thinking, and it's producing incredible results.

In the U.K., for example, the Mindfulness in Schools Project is teaching adults how to set up programs. Mindful Schools, another nonprofit, is helping to set up similar programs in the United States.

Oh, and by the way, the schools are seeing a tangible benefit from this program, too.

Philips said that at Robert W. Coleman Elementary, there have been exactly zero suspensions last year and so far this year. Meanwhile, nearby Patterson Park High School, which also uses the mindfulness programs, said suspension rates dropped and attendance increased as well.

Is that wholly from the mindfulness practices? It's impossible to say, but those are pretty remarkable numbers, all the same.


This article originally appeared on 09.22.16

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Education

Sweden makes stunning decision to trademark its name to avoid confusion

The country is taking historic steps to fix the problem.

via Visit Sweden (used with permission)

A Swedish woman taking things into her own hands.

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Sweden has existed for over 1,000 years, but travelers across the globe are confused because other places, inspired by the countryโ€™s untouched beauty and joyously inclusive culture, have taken its name.

Seven other places in the world call themselves Sweden, so to distinguish itself from the name-alikes, the Kingdom of Sweden is taking a bold, historic step that no country has before. Itโ€™s become the first to apply to trademark its name with the European Union Intellectual Property Office.

Visit Sweden likens the countryโ€™s problem to a luxury brand that has to contend with dupes, knockoffs, or bootlegs that fall short of the glory of the genuine article.

โ€œItโ€™s flattering that other places want to be called Sweden, but letโ€™s be honest, there should only be one. Our Sweden. The one with the Northern Lights, endless forests, and the worldโ€™s best flat-pack furniture,โ€ says Susanne Andersson, CEO at Visit Sweden.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

By trademarking its name, Sweden will make things much less confusing for travelers worldwide. Itโ€™d be a shame for someone looking to visit Swedenโ€™s majestic Lapland to mistakenly wind up in a place with no reindeer, Aurora Borealis, or cloudberries to be found.

The world-class research team at Visit Sweden knew it had to act when it realized that other destinations with the same name had tripped up travelers. People looking to vacation in Portland, Oregon, have accidentally wound up in Portland, Maine. Travelers yearning to experience the fall in Manchester, New Hampshire, have been deplaning in Manchester, England. โ€œIt happens more than you think!โ€ the researchers admitted.


sweden, visit sweden, swedish vacation The Northern Lights in Sweden. via Visit Sweden, Photographer: Jann Lipka/imagebank.sweden.se

The E.U. Intellectual Property Office must act swiftly and allow Sweden to trademark its name so that travelers worldwide donโ€™t miss the opportunity to experience an utterly unique country known for its serene landscapes, commitment to deep relaxation and personal freedom.

No one should ever miss out on staying on one of Swedenโ€™s 267,570 islands, more than any other country. The Swedish archipelagos offer luxurious glamping, peaceful hikes, tranquil solitude and awe-inspiring, pristine nature.

sweden, visit sweden, swedish vacation A woman camping in the Swedish archipelago.via Visit Sweden, Photographer: Anders Klapp/imagebank.sweden.se


Sweden is a beautiful place to visit all year round, with bright summers, colorful falls, vibrant springs and dark, crisp winters. It is also a place to delight your tastebuds with a cuisine centered on healthy, locally sourced produce, with some preparation methods dating back to the Viking era.

The original Sweden is a place where one can relish Old World European history while also enjoying the modern pleasures of the most progressive countries in the world. Travelers can be whisked back into history by visiting the Naval Port of Karlskona, a well-preserved European naval town from 1680. Or, enjoy cutting-edge design, delicacies, art, music and culture in hip metropolitan destinations such as Stockholm or Swedenโ€™s โ€œcoolest city,โ€ Gothenburg.

Did we mention Sweden has an ABBA museum? Wait till the other 7 Swedens find out about that.

As you can see, Sweden is an incredibly unique destination that cannot be duplicated. It would be a tragedy for anyone intending to visit the original Sweden to mistakenly find themselves in a name-alike place that lacks its Scandinavian charm. You can do your part to stop the confusion by signing a petition to let Sweden trademark Sweden at Visit Sweden (the original).

sweden, visit sweden, swedish vacation A Swedish Midsommar celebration. via Visit Sweden, Photographer: Stefan Berg/Folio/imagebank.sweden.se

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Astronaut shares the profound 'big lie' he realized after seeing the Earth from space

This change in perspective could change humanity.

via Rubรฉn Moreno Montolรญu/Flickr

Our home, from space.

Sixty-one years ago, Yuri Gagarin became the first human to make it into space and probably the first to experience what scientists now call the "overview effect." This change occurs when people see the world from far above and notice that itโ€™s a place where โ€œborders are invisible, where racial, religious and economic strife are nowhere to be seen.โ€

The overview effect makes manโ€™s squabbles with one another seem incredibly petty and presents the planet as it truly is, one interconnected organism.

In a compelling interview with Big Think, astronaut, author and humanitarian Ron Garan explains how if more of us developed this planetary perspective we could fix much of what ails humanity and the planet.

Garan has spent 178 days in space and traveled more than 71 million miles in 2,842 orbits. From high above, he realized that the planet is a lot more fragile than he thought.

โ€œWhen I looked out the window of the International Space Station, I saw the paparazzi-like flashes of lightning storms, I saw dancing curtains of auroras that seemed so close it was as if we could reach out and touch them. And I saw the unbelievable thinness of our planet's atmosphere. In that moment, I was hit with the sobering realization that that paper-thin layer keeps every living thing on our planet alive,โ€ Garan said in the video.

โ€œI saw an iridescent biosphere teeming with life,โ€ he continues. โ€œI didn't see the economy. But since our human-made systems treat everything, including the very life-support systems of our planet, as the wholly owned subsidiary of the global economy, it's obvious from the vantage point of space that we're living a lie.โ€

It was at that moment he realized that humanity needs to reevaluate its priorities.

โ€œWe need to move from thinking economy, society, planet to planet, society, economy. That's when we're going to continue our evolutionary process,โ€ he added.

Garan says that we are paying a very โ€œhigh priceโ€ as a civilization for our inability to develop a more planetary perspective and that itโ€™s a big reason why weโ€™re failing to solve many of our problems. Even though our economic activity may improve quality of life on one end, itโ€™s also disasterous for the planet that sustains our lives.

Itโ€™s like cutting off our nose to spite our face.

Actor William Shatner had a similar experience to Garan's when he traveled into space.

"It was among the strongest feelings of grief I have ever encountered," Shatner wrote. "The contrast between the vicious coldness of space and the warm nurturing of Earth below filled me with overwhelming sadness. Every day, we are confronted with the knowledge of further destruction of Earth at our hands: the extinction of animal species, of flora and fauna โ€ฆ things that took five billion years to evolve, and suddenly we will never see them again because of the interference of mankind."

โ€œWe're not going to have peace on Earth until we recognize the basic fact of the interrelated structure of all reality,โ€ Garan said.

However dire the situation looks from the surface of Earth, the astronaut has hope that we can collectively evolve in consciousness and wake up and embrace a larger reality. โ€œAnd when we can evolve beyond a two-dimensional us versus them mindset, and embrace the true multi-dimensional reality of the universe that we live in, that's when we're going to no longer be floating in darkness โ€ฆ and it's a future that we would all want to be a part of. That's our true calling.โ€


This article originally appeared two years ago.

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How can riding a bike help beat cancer? Just ask Reid Moritz, 10-year-old survivor and leader of his own โ€œwolfpackโ€

Every year, Reid and his pack participate in Cycle for Survival to help raise money for the rare cancer research thatโ€™s helped him and so many others. You can too.

all photos courtesy of Reid Moritz

Together, letโ€™s help fuel the next big breakthrough in cancer research

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There are many things that ten-year-old Reid Wolf Moritz loves. His family, making watches (yes, really), basketball, cars (especially Ferraris), collecting super, ultra-rare Pokรฉmon cardsโ€ฆand putting the pedal to the medal at Cycle for Survival.

Cycle for Survival is the official rare cancer fundraising program of Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center (MSK). One hundred percent of every dollar raised at Cycle for Survival events supports rare cancer research and lifesaving clinical trials at MSK.

At only two years old, Reid was diagnosed with pilocytic astrocytoma, a rare type of brain tumor.

Pediatric cancer research is severely underfunded. When standard treatments don't work, families rely on breakthrough clinical trials to give their children a real shot at long-term survival.

When Reidโ€™s chemotherapy and brain surgery didnโ€™t work, he was able to participate in one of MSKโ€™s clinical trials, where heโ€™s received some incredible results. โ€œMemorial Sloan Kettering has done so much for me. It's just so nice how they did all this for me. They're just the best hospital ever,โ€ Reid recalls.

And thatโ€™s why every year, youโ€™ll find Reid with his team, aptly named Reid's Wolfpack, riding at Cycle for Survival. Itโ€™s just Reidโ€™s way of paying it forward so that even more kids can have similar opportunities.

โ€œI love sharing my story to inspire other kids to PERSEVERE, STAY STRONG and NEVER GIVE UP while also raising money for my amazing doctors and researchers to help other kids like me.โ€

Reid remembers the joy felt bouncing on his fatherโ€™s shoulder and hearing the crowd cheer during his first Cycle for Survival ride. As he can attest, each fundraising event feels more like a party, with plenty of dancing, singing and celebrating.

Hoping to spread more of that positivity, Reid and his family started the Cycle for Survival team, Reidโ€™s Wolfpack, which has raised close to $750,000 over the past eight years. All that money goes directly to Reidโ€™s Neuro-Oncology team at Memorial Sloan Kettering.

In addition to cheering on participants and raising good vibes at Cycle for Survival events, Reid even designs some pretty epic looking merchโ€”like basketball shorts, jerseys, and hoodiesโ€”to help raise money.

If youโ€™re looking to help kids just like Reid, and have a ton of fun doing it, youโ€™re in luck. Cycle for Survival events are held at Equinox locations nationwide, and welcome experienced riders and complete newbies alike. You can even join Reid and his Wolfpack in select cities!

And if cycling in any form isnโ€™t your thing, a little donation really does go a long way.

Together, letโ€™s help fuel the next big breakthrough in cancer research. Find out more information by checking out cycleforsurvival.org or filling out this interest form.

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Science

Carl Sagan's irrefutable 1990 argument for using all U.S. resources to fight climate change

He was way ahead of his time and his logic stands now.

via IslandPalm14/YouTube

Carl Sagan's keynote address at the 5th Emerging Issues Forum at NCSU.

Carl Sagan, the legendary astrophysicist and science communicator, was best known for his incredible ability to express complicated concepts in a way that the everyday person could understand. He did so most notably as host of PBSโ€™s groundbreaking โ€œCosmos: A Personal Voyage" from 1980 to 1981.

Sagan was also a brilliant futurist who was way ahead of his time. In 1961, he predicted that the clouds of Venus might be home to life, an idea that has gained traction over the past few years. He also predicted many of America's current problems in 1995 and correctly claimed that one day AI would be used for psychotherapy back in the '70s.

He was also ahead of his time when sounding the alarm about Climate Change, evidenced by a 1990 speech he gave at the 5th Emerging Issues Forum. In the keynote address, he said that America should treat the climate crisis as seriously as it did the Cold War. Saganโ€™s speech was delivered a year after the fall of the Berlin Wall, which concluded the icy, 5-decade conflict between the U.S. and the Soviet Union.

For some context, in 1990, only 30% of Americans were worried about global warming or the greenhouse effect. Today, 54% describe climate change as a โ€œmajor threatโ€ to the countryโ€™s well-being.

- YouTubeyoutu.be

โ€œThe amount of money that the United States has spent on the Cold War since 1945 is approximately 10 trillion dollars,โ€ Sagan says, adding that with that amount of money, one could own everything in the country, minus the land.

โ€œHow certain was it that the Russians were going to invade? Was it 100% certain? Guess not since they never invaded. What if it was only, letโ€™s say 10% certain? What would advocates of big military buildup have said? We must be prudent. Itโ€™s not enough to count on only the most likely circumstance," Sagan continues.

โ€œI ask my friends who are comfortable with that argument, including the editorial page of the Wall Street Journal, why doesnโ€™t that same argument apply to Global Warming? You donโ€™t think itโ€™s 100% likely? Fine. You are entitled to think that. If itโ€™s only a small probability of it happening since the consequences are so serious, donโ€™t you have to make some serious investment to prevent it or mitigate it? I think thereโ€™s a double standard of argument working and I donโ€™t think we should permit it.โ€



Sagan would then list the steps we can take to mitigate the effects of climate change, including eliminating CFCs (chlorofluorocarbons), increasing fuel efficiency in cars and trucks, seeking out new alternative energy sources, dealing with the global population crisis and planting trees. "A tree is an engine for taking carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere and it does it. Itโ€™s not the only thing a tree does, but that is one of the things that trees are good for and it's especially relevant to this issue,โ€ Sagan says.

Saganโ€™s solutions are the same ones we discuss today, although fears of a global population crisis have waned over the years.

Sagan concluded his address by comparing the dangers of global warming to those faced by the U.S. during the Cold War and making an argument that many support today: fighting climate change is also good economic policy.

"So, what I say to those who complain that it is too uncertainโ€“beyond pointing out the standards that were applied to the Cold War ought to be applied hereโ€“I say look, every one of these steps makes good sense, makes good economic sense,โ€ Sagan says. โ€œAnd think of all of the industries that are implied by what I have just said, especially alternative energy sources. There is money to be made in developing a technology which will appropriately address greenhouse warming."

You can watch the entire address here:

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

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Parenting

Psychologist shares 15-second trick to make kids of any age less rude and more cooperative

All it takes is a single question.

via Hunter Johnson/Unsplash

A child being rude.

Sometimes, it can feel like half of parenting is repeating yourself over and over again, asking your child to brush their teeth or take a dish from the living room to the sink. Itโ€™s exhausting and makes you feel like a nag. Don't you wish there was a simple way to make your kids listen the first time?

Dr. Rebecca Kennedy, aka โ€œDr. Becky,โ€ is a clinical psychologist and founder and CEO of Good Inside who says she has a quick way to make your kids more cooperative and less rude. Talk about killing two soul-crushing birds with one parenting stone. Dr. Beckly got into psychology after growing up with anorexia as a teenager.

โ€œOkay, no matter how old your kid is, you can use this 15-second tip to decrease rudeness and increase cooperation,โ€ she says in a TikTok video with over 32,000 views. โ€œFind your child today and ask them this question. 'Hey, I was just wondering, what could I do better as your parent?'โ€

The psychologist says that even if the child has a random or impractical answer such as โ€œLet me stay up โ€˜til midnightโ€ or โ€œIโ€™d like to eat macaroni and cheese for breakfast, lunch and dinner,โ€ just to listen. Simply by listening, you can change your childโ€™s behavior.

She says we should also ask more questions to further the conversation: โ€œTell me more. What would that be like?โ€

Want to improve your relationship with your kid in less than 15 seconds? Watch this reel for a quick-win strategy.ย 

@drbeckyatgoodinside

Want to improve your relationship with your kid in less than 15 seconds? Watch this reel for a quick-win strategy. The best part: When we use strategies like this in calm moments, we reduce the frequency of difficult moments with our kids. Of course, Iโ€™m a realistโ€ฆ I know you need in-the-moment strategies too! Cue: My Conquering Problem Behaviors Workshop. Youโ€™ll get an entire toolbox of in-the-moment and outside-the-moment strategies for reducing outbursts and strengthening your bond with your kid. Learn more in the link in bio!

โ€œI mean, imagine your boss coming to you randomly and asking how they could be a better manager to you. Just by asking the question and listening,โ€ she continued. Dr. Becky says that asking our kids how weโ€™re doing as parents communicates three essential ideas: โ€œI care about you. I respect you. I'm invested in this relationship.โ€

This type of questioning builds a connection with a child that can spill over into other behaviors. โ€œYou're building connection. And with more connection always comes more cooperation,โ€ she ends the video.

The big takeaway from the video is that when we enhance our connection with our kids, they will be less likely to disobey or be rude because they feel heard and respected, so thereโ€™s no need to act out. They will also return that respect by listening to you when you have a request, such as taking out the trash or putting down their phone and coming to dinner.

Some people in the comments got funny responses when they asked their kids what they could improve. โ€œI asked my 5yr old. I got a mildly scathing look and she said โ€˜erm, maybe try and burn dinner less next time?โ€™โ€ Collette wrote. โ€œMy 5 yo told me to look better and get a haircut,โ€ Mark Amend added.

Dr. Beckyโ€™s quick question is a great way for parents to strengthen their relationships when things are going well instead of trying to forge connections during conflict. Itโ€™s a great reminder that even when parenting, an ounce of prevention is a pound of cure.

Dr. Becky sums up the importance of prevention in her TikTok caption: โ€œWhen we use strategies like this in calm moments, we reduce the frequency of difficult moments with our kids,โ€ she wrote.


This article originally appeared in June.

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J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings was inspired by the secret meaning he found in Beowolf

His unique perspective of the story's true meaning not only lead to the creation of his own masterpiece, but the way we all understand Beowulf today.

Fantasticfiction.com/Wikipedia, Wikipedia

A classic inspired by another classic.

J.R.R. Tolkienโ€™s Lord of The Rings trilogy remains a source of inspiration for virtually every fantasy writer out there. But not many know the works that Tolkien himself drew inspiration from. Sure, we know his passion for linguistics played a major role.

And itโ€™s common knowledge that he infused his childhood memories, as well as his experience as a WWI soldier. Maybe the most hardcore fans are aware of the nods to Norse mythology in his books. But by and large, the ancient literature that helped build Middle Earth remains hidden knowledge.

As X user @RewiretheWest recently reminded us of, one classic tale of heroism, chivalry and defeating monsters inspired Tolkien more than any other.

In the now-viral tweet, @RewiretheWest explains that Tolkien studied the epic poem Beowulf for 25 years, primarily because he was โ€œconvinced it had a hidden meaning.โ€

For those who need a quick recap on the story: Beowulf gets word that Danes are being slaughtered by a โ€œshadow walkerโ€ named Grendel who โ€œdespises the sound of joy.โ€ So he travels across the sea, mortally wounds Grendel, then has to go into a cave to vanquish Grendelโ€™s mother (a โ€œbattle with packed w/ sexual & religious symbolism ensues,โ€ @RewiretheWest quips). Fifty years later, a dragon emerges. Beowulf, now a King but well past his prime, once again slays the beast, but dies in the process. His loss is mourned by the people who โ€œdread what will happen without his leadership.โ€ Fin.



While Beowulf was mostly only studied for โ€œhistorical and linguistic value,โ€ Tolkien argued that the monsters in this epic poem revealed its more โ€œprofoundโ€ metaphors.

Quoting Tolkienโ€™s famous 1936 lecture on the subject, @RewiretheWest writes, โ€œThe monsters are symbols of the inevitable hostility of the world itself to mortal menโ€ฆthey do not only bring physical ruin but spiritual despair,โ€ and โ€œBeowulf is not a hero because he wins but because he fights, even when he knows the battle will bring his doom. His death is the crown of his life.โ€


In other words, Beowulf is a hero for facing the darkness in spite of the odds, and for sacrificing himself to fight for good. With this theme in mind, itโ€™s easy to see how it influenced a story about a little Hobbit who traveled all the way to Mordor to cast an evil ring into the fire whence it came.

Itโ€™s worth notingโ€”Tolkien not only used Beowulfโ€™s values in LOTR, but also many stylistic elements.

For example, he incorporated the use of alliteration (i.e. connection a group of words with the repetition of the same letter of sound) in family names, as with the badass shield maiden of Rohan, ร‰owyn, and her father ร‰omund and brother ร‰omer. In Beowulf we have the brothers Hrothgar and Heorogar.

via GIPHY

In fact, much of the poetry Tolkien used was alliterative verse, just like with Beowulf. You can see it plainly with โ€œโ€œFrom Dark Dunharrow in the Dim Morningโ€ featured in Return of the King.

There are also a TON of refurbished Old English words that originate in in Beowulf, as with Ents, which was thought to have some connection with large things, and orcs, which denote something possibly demonic and/or associated with โ€œa cunning mind.โ€

And with that, we have two major takeaways:

Oneโ€”even the most innovative, forward thinking creators glean their ideas from other creators. Obviously plagiarism is something to avoid, but no new idea is truly a product of immaculate conception. So never undermine your own creation by telling yourself โ€œwhatโ€™s the point? Itโ€™s already been done before.โ€

And twoโ€”classic stories remain timeless because they contain bits of wisdom that continue to serve humanity. As @RewiretheWest put it, โ€œBeowulf was written 1,000 years ago. Yet through Tolkien, it continues to inspire millions. It proves that the values of adventure, honor, heroism, and sacrifice are truly timeless. Theyโ€™re what make for the best stories โ€” in literature, in film, and in your own life.โ€

So go forth, read a lot (especially the old stuff), and breathe new life into their messages in whatever way you see fit.

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Forget "How's school going?" Try these questions instead to get shy teens talking.

If talking to your young relatives feels like pulling teeth, here are some questions that can help them open up.

Photo credit: Canva

Teens might seem uncomfortable at first, but you can help make them feel at ease.

Have you ever seen someone who seems to have a knack for talking with teens and wondered what their secret was? Sometimes it seems like getting young people to offer anything other than monosyllabic answers to questions is like pulling teeth. Maybe they're shy or self-conscious, or maybe the questions adults tend to ask aren't very effective at getting them to open up, but when you're gathering with family for the holidays and want to spend time getting to know your teenage relatives, it can be tough when the conversation feels awkward or forced.

Shyness is real and self-consciousness often comes with adolescence, so there's not a whole lot we can do about those things, but there are ways to engage young people that are more likely to result in a real conversation. When our "How's school going?" gets a "fine" or a "good," we know we need some better questions, but it's not always easy to think of those on the spot.

That's where some helpful guidance from Raising Teens Today comes in super handy.

woman talking with a teenMost teens actually like to talk if you ask the right questions.Photo credit: Canva

"Let me clue you in on a little secret... teenagers LOVE to talk," writes Nancy Reynolds, the mom behind the Raising Teens Today website. "Sounds crazy, right? I promise, you can get the quietest teen on the planet chatting simply by asking them questions that make them feel comfortable and want to share their world with you."

First, she offers some points to keep in mind as you chat with teens specifically:

- Steer clear of subjects that can put them on the defensive or make them feel awkward or inferior, including their grades, changing bodies, or whether they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, for instance.

- Keep it light. Don't get into heavy subjects. Teens have a lot on their shoulders already. Laugh a little. Have fun.

- Ask questions that will get them talking. Ask about their friends, things they love doing, books or sports or hobbies they love, their passions or dreams.

- Don't ask "loaded" questions such as, "You ARE going to college, right?'" Or, "Do you EVER look up from your phone?" Nothing will make a teenager clam up faster.

- Teenagers are young adults. Treat them as such. Show respect.

- Just be authentic. Teens can spot a fake from afar. If you're genuinely interested in their life and they sense you truly care, they'll open their heart... and when they do, it's such a gift.

The mom of three teens also gave some suggestions for what to ask in place of the standard questions we tend to use. An "ask this, not that" of talking to young people.

These questions go beyond the standard ones adults often ask or provide a twist on the classics that put young people at ease:

"What's the most interesting thing you've learned this year?"

"What do you enjoy doing with your friends?"

"It won't be long before you graduate. I'm so anxious to hear your plans!"

"I'd love to hear what you've been up to if you feel like chatting."

"What's your favorite thing to do when you're not in school?"

"What's the coolest thing you've seen online recently?"

"What's the one thing you're most looking forward to next year?"

i.giphy.com

Don't bombard themโ€”it's not an interrogationโ€“but try out a couple and see how they go. It's important to note that some kids might be flummoxed by questions that require them to choose "the one" or "the most" or "favorite," so you can always alter those kinds of questions to be more open-ended, like this:

"What's something you like to do when you're not in school?"

"What classes are you finding interesting or challenging?"

"Have you read or seen anything you really enjoyed lately?"

"What are you looking forward to after the holidays?"

You can also think about meeting kids and teens where they are by being curious about the reality of their livesโ€”but in a way that isn't overly intrusive or judgmental. For instance, instead of only asking what their favorite subject is in school, ask what their least favorite subject is as well. That will almost surely get them talking. Instead of scoffing about them being on their phones, ask them what social media sites they like the most and why they prefer them to others. You can also ask them their opinions about things like whether they prefer reading paper or digital books, whether they prefer lectures or small group discussions, whether they feel like they learn better from listening, watching or doing. Questions like these don't make them feel like they're being quizzed or tested, because there aren't any right or wrong or even preferable answers.

If you do ask about a "favorite," make it something that they can easily choose a favorite from and something that can lead to further conversation. For instance, "Do you have a favorite teacher?" followed up by "What do you like about them and their class?" That can lead to a nice back and forth about what makes a teacher effective, what makes a class interesting or boring, and what your own experiences with good or bad teachers has been.

Another way to engage teens at your family gatherings is to ask them to help with something in the kitchen. Giving them something helpful to do takes the social spotlight off of them and creates more opportunity for small connections, making more meaningful conversations feel like the natural next step.

teens helping bake in the kitchenGetting them in the kitchen can help with conversations.Photo credit: Canva

People are appreciating the tips offered, as connecting with young people can be a challenge for many adults.

"Where were these questions when I was younger?? How different would the conversation been?"

"๐Ÿซถ๐Ÿฝ Itโ€™s all in the wording! Connections are so important."

"I love this!!! It can be a lot of work getting your teen to go to an adult gathering. Itโ€™s never helpful when they get there and end up feeling either judged or completely ignored. It only isolates them further when what they need more than anything is connection with adults."

"Thank you for this. My father will ask my 14 year old what she wants to do for college and I can see the anxiety build up in her. How about what do you like to do in your spare time? What are you proud of? What are you interested in?"

"Iโ€™m a grandparent and this is just what I was looking for to open a positive interaction during family events. Thanks again!! ๐Ÿ™Œ"

It's definitely worth trying some of these out over the holidays.

You can follow Raising Teens Today on Facebook,ย Instagram and raisingteenstoday.com.

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