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Men's Health

These men bravely shared their own harrowing abusive-relationship stories

This is what being a real man looks like.

Man typing on computer splitscreen with long block of text
Grzegorz Walczak/Unsplash & Reddit

Many of us are familiar with the signs of an abusive relationship.

Physical violence is only one of many. Extreme jealousy, verbal insults, controlling behavior, and victim blaming are all hallmark signs that someone is an abusive partner, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

What we rarely talk about, though, is that for as often as men are the perpetrators of abuse, they can just as easily be victims.


Hundreds of men recently took to Reddit to share their own harrowing stories of abusive relationships.

As many as 1 in 4 men have been victims of some form of physical abuse by a partner. For women, it's as many as 1 in 3.

That's a staggering percentage of people.

The grim and heartbreaking thread helped shed some light on an under-recognized reality: Abuse is abuse, and it has no gender.

Here are some of the main takeaways from the powerful thread, which is worth a full-read.

Note: Last names have been left out to protect victims of abuse.

1. The support system for men who are victims of abuse is extremely poor.

Robert, who shared his story of an abusive relationship in the thread, wrote that his ex would threaten him and lash out physically, but no one would ever take his complaints seriously.

"She would throw knives at stuff and wreck the house," he wrote. "I went through 16 police calls before one of them finally gave her a charge for assault."

When the two were finally separated (he writes that she was arrested on a separate charge), he had to turn to information meant for battered women for help putting his life back together.

The sad truth is that the shelters and groups out there dedicated to helping men in abusive relationships are depressingly scarce.

2. Men can be victims of physical abuse too. Often at the detriment of their "manhood."

a man looking at his cell phone in the dark

Photo by Richard Stachmann on Unsplash

It's hard enough for many men being abused to find people who'll believe them. It's made even tougher that they might be made out to look like less of a man if they come clean.

"It's like I was supposed to just take it because I was a man," Robert wrote.

Tom, another man who shared his story, wrote that he was "embarrassed" when his ex would hit him during arguments, in public, but that he never even considered it abuse until long after they broke up.

Research supports the idea that men might be even less likely than women to report physical abuse. And we wonder why phrases like, "Man up!" are so harmful.

3. The patterns of abusive behavior are consistent whether abusers are men or women.

Another Reddit user, William, said he wasn't allowed to hang out with certain people his partner didn't like,and the controlling and manipulative behavior took a heavy toll on him.

"I knew deep down no matter what I did to try and make her happy it was never good enough. I never felt so useless," he wrote.

Many men in the thread, like Richie, wrote that the psychological trauma from their abusive relationship was the most difficult thing to reconcile and recover from.

Mood swings, illogical fights, and suicidal threats from Richie's partner pushed him to a breaking point.

"It wore me down to the bone," he wrote. "I was a shell of myself at one point."

The original thread on Reddit makes one thing abundantly clear: The problem of partner violence and abuse is likely much bigger than many people realize.

Over 10 million men and women in the United States are victims of physical domestic abuse every year; a number that doesn't include behaviors like lying, threats, and manipulation.

Toxic concepts of masculinity can sometimes lead to men becoming abusers, but as this thread shows, they can also paralyze men who need help.

Fixing our culture's broken idea of what makes a man could be a crucial step toward ending domestic violence and abuse for both men and women.

In the meantime, we can listen to the victims' stories. Everyone, man or woman, deserves to be heard.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship and wants to seek help, start by contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline, which offers support for men, women, and children.


This article originally appeared on 4.12.17
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How can riding a bike help beat cancer? Just ask Reid Moritz, 10-year-old survivor and leader of his own “wolfpack”

Every year, Reid and his pack participate in Cycle for Survival to help raise money for the rare cancer research that’s helped him and so many others. You can too.

all photos courtesy of Reid Moritz

Together, let’s help fuel the next big breakthrough in cancer research

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There are many things that ten-year-old Reid Wolf Moritz loves. His family, making watches (yes, really), basketball, cars (especially Ferraris), collecting super, ultra-rare Pokémon cards…and putting the pedal to the medal at Cycle for Survival.

Cycle for Survival is the official rare cancer fundraising program of Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center (MSK). One hundred percent of every dollar raised at Cycle for Survival events supports rare cancer research and lifesaving clinical trials at MSK.

At only two years old, Reid was diagnosed with pilocytic astrocytoma, a rare type of brain tumor.

Pediatric cancer research is severely underfunded. When standard treatments don't work, families rely on breakthrough clinical trials to give their children a real shot at long-term survival.

When Reid’s chemotherapy and brain surgery didn’t work, he was able to participate in one of MSK’s clinical trials, where he’s received some incredible results. “Memorial Sloan Kettering has done so much for me. It's just so nice how they did all this for me. They're just the best hospital ever,” Reid recalls.

And that’s why every year, you’ll find Reid with his team, aptly named Reid's Wolfpack, riding at Cycle for Survival. It’s just Reid’s way of paying it forward so that even more kids can have similar opportunities.

“I love sharing my story to inspire other kids to PERSEVERE, STAY STRONG and NEVER GIVE UP while also raising money for my amazing doctors and researchers to help other kids like me.”

Reid remembers the joy felt bouncing on his father’s shoulder and hearing the crowd cheer during his first Cycle for Survival ride. As he can attest, each fundraising event feels more like a party, with plenty of dancing, singing and celebrating.

Hoping to spread more of that positivity, Reid and his family started the Cycle for Survival team, Reid’s Wolfpack, which has raised close to $750,000 over the past eight years. All that money goes directly to Reid’s Neuro-Oncology team at Memorial Sloan Kettering.

In addition to cheering on participants and raising good vibes at Cycle for Survival events, Reid even designs some pretty epic looking merch—like basketball shorts, jerseys, and hoodies—to help raise money.

If you’re looking to help kids just like Reid, and have a ton of fun doing it, you’re in luck. Cycle for Survival events are held at Equinox locations nationwide, and welcome experienced riders and complete newbies alike. You can even join Reid and his Wolfpack in select cities!

And if cycling in any form isn’t your thing, a little donation really does go a long way.

Together, let’s help fuel the next big breakthrough in cancer research. Find out more information by checking out cycleforsurvival.org or filling out this interest form.

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Education

Why didn't people smile in old photographs? It wasn't just about the long exposure times.

People blame these serious expressions on how long they had to sit for a photo, but that's not the whole picture.

Public domain images

Photos from the 1800s were so serious.

If you've ever perused photographs from the 19th and early 20th century, you've likely noticed how serious everyone looked. If there's a hint of a smile at all, it's oh-so-slight, but more often than not, our ancestors looked like they were sitting for a sepia-toned mug shot or being held for ransom or something. Why didn't people smile in photographs? Was life just so hard back then that nobody smiled? Were dour, sour expressions just the norm?

Most often, people's serious faces in old photographs are blamed on the long exposure time of early cameras, and that's true. Taking a photo was not an instant event like it is now; people had to sit still for many minutes in the 1800s to have their photo taken.

Ever try holding a smile for only one full minute? It's surprisingly difficult and very quickly becomes unnatural. A smile is a quick reaction, not a constant state of expression. Even people we think of as "smiley" aren't toting around full-toothed smiles for minutes on end. When you had to be still for several minutes to get your photo taken, there was just no way you were going to hold a smile for that long.

But there are other reasons besides long exposure times that people didn't smile in early photographs.

1800s photographsWhy so serious? Public domain

The non-smiling precedent had already been set by centuries of painted portraits

The long exposure times for early photos may have contributed to serious facial expressions, but so did the painted portraits that came before them. Look at all of the portraits of famous people throughout history prior to cameras. Sitting to be painted took hours, so smiling was out of the question. Other than the smallest of lip curls like the Mona Lisa, people didn't smile for painted portraits, so why would people suddenly think it normal to flash their pearly whites (which were not at all pearly white back then) for a photographed one? It simply wasn't how it was done.

A smirk? Sometimes. A full-on smile? Practically never.

"Mona Lisa" by Leonardo da Vinci, painted in 1503Public domain

Smiling usually indicated that you were a fool or a drunkard

Our perceptions of smiling have changed dramatically since the 1800s. In explaining why smiling was considered taboo in portraits and early photos, art historian Nicholas Jeeves wrote in Public Domain Review:

"Smiling also has a large number of discrete cultural and historical significances, few of them in line with our modern perceptions of it being a physical signal of warmth, enjoyment, or indeed of happiness. By the 17th century in Europe it was a well-established fact that the only people who smiled broadly, in life and in art, were the poor, the lewd, the drunk, the innocent, and the entertainment […] Showing the teeth was for the upper classes a more-or-less formal breach of etiquette."

"Malle Babbe" by Frans Hals, sometime between 1640 and 1646Public domain

In other words, to the Western sensibility, smiling was seen as undignified. If a painter did put a smile on the subject of a portrait, it was a notable departure from the norm, a deliberate stylistic choice that conveyed something about the artist or the subject.

Even the artists who attempted it had less-than-ideal results. It turns out that smiling is such a lively, fleeting expression that the artistically static nature of painted portraits didn't lend itself well to showcasing it. Paintings that did have subjects smiling made them look weird or disturbing or drunk. Simply put, painting a genuine, natural smile didn't work well in portraits of old.

As a result, the perception that smiling was an indication of lewdness or impropriety stuck for quite a while, even after Kodak created snapshot cameras that didn't have the long exposure time problem. Even happy occasions had people nary a hint of joy in the photographs that documented them.

wedding party photoEven wedding party photos didn't appear to be joyful occasions.Wikimedia Commons

Then along came movies, which may have changed the whole picture

So how did we end up coming around to grinning ear to ear for photos? Interestingly enough, it may have been the advent of motion pictures that pushed us towards smiling being the norm.

Photos could have captured people's natural smiles earlier—we had the technology for taking instant photos—but culturally, smiling wasn't widely favored for photos until the 1920s. One theory about that timing is that the explosion of movies enabled us to see emotions of all kinds playing out on screen, documenting the fleeting expressions that portraits had failed to capture. Culturally, it became normalized to capture, display and see all kind of emotions on people's faces. As we got more used to that, photo portraits began portraying people in a range of expression rather than trying to create a neutral image of a person's face.

Changing our own perceptions of old photo portraits to view them as neutral rather than grumpy or serious can help us remember that people back then were not a bunch of sourpusses, but people who experienced as wide a range of emotion as we do, including joy and mirth. Unfortunately, we just rarely get to see them in that state before the 1920s.

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Culture

Have we been singing 'Kumbaya' wrong this whole time? The Gullah Geechee say, yes.

It’s not sung in unison.

Photo credit: Canva

Have we been singing 'Kumbaya' wrong this whole time?

You don't have to be a religious person to have heard the song "Kumbaya" sung. The song has become so interwoven into the fabric of America that there's even the colloquial term, "Kumbaya moment," that people use to convey a sense of togetherness and getting along. The word has been a part of the American lexicon for decades and the song has been a part of the culture for even longer.

But the soothing melody isn't supposed to be sung in a slow melodic tone with everyone singing together in unison. Kumbaya is actually a Gullah Geechee phrase that literally translates to "come by here." If you're unfamiliar with the Gullah Geechee people, they're descendants of enslaved Africans that were brought to coastal plantations in North and South Carolina, Georgia and Florida. The enslaved people were from West and Central Africa encompassing multiple African cultures and ethnicities which created a unique amalgamation of language and culture.

"The Gullah Geechee language began as a simplified form of communication among people who spoke many different languages including European slave traders, slave owners and diverse, African ethnic groups. The vocabulary and grammatical roots come from African and European languages," the Gullah Geechee Cultural Heritage Corridor website shares.

guitar singing GIF by Cartoon HangoverGiphy

This African creole is still spoken today, having influence in African American Vernacular English (AAVE), and "kumbaya" is a Gullah phrase that was turned into a hymn sung by the Gullah people during slavery. But the version most Americans grew up singing isn't the way it was originally sung, nor is it the way Gullah people sing it today. The truth is that the average person isn't aware of the roots of the song because by the time it reached summer camps and church groups, it had been stripped of it's cultural origin.

Pamela Bailey, creator of the Antebellum Diaspora Project that focuses on reuniting families separated by chattel slavery recently uploaded a video to social media explaining how "Kumbaya" is supposed to sound.


@antediaproject Kumbaya was a “call and response” song that that was sung with great passion! It was a call to action, not the more understated version most known by the masses today. #greenscreen #ancestors #history #research #genealogy #musician #SC #family #preservation #humanity #antebellumdiasporaproject ♬ original sound - ThePamela Bailey

"It has occurred to me that many of the people who know and love this song still don't know how the song would have sounded being sung in the Gullah community. First of all, the song would've never been sung in unison in the way that you hear it sung today. It was actually a call and response," Bailey shares before singing an example.

The song is not only sung as a call and response but the tempo is much faster and involves quick rhythmic clapping and stomping. One clear example of this can be seen in a recording uploaded to YouTube where a Gullah Geechee church in South Carolina is honoring one of it's members that has passed away. Instead of "kumbaya," the church sings the phrase in standard English as "come by here," but the tempo is much more upbeat and the calls more like painful cry.

People in the comments of Bailey's video are excited to learn about the way the song originally sounded, while some grew up hearing it the same traditional way with one writing, "'was never that mellow' is an understatement. i remember my grandaddy singing this in church in SC. it was a true cry for help."

Another person writes, "It’s so much more dynamic. Thanks for the education."

Someone else says, "That makes more sense. When you sang it that way it sounded closer to how I imagined it."

One teacher writes, "Thank you!! As a music teacher, I’m always trying to learn more authentic versions of musics."

While many people may not have known where the beloved "Kumbaya" originated, it's not too late to spread the word. Did you know where the song came from and how it was supposed to sound?

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Modern Families

Woman goes to huge lengths to adopt husband's ex-wife's baby to save him from foster care

She had lived in foster care and didn't want it for the newborn with no name.

via Christie Werts/TikTok and Christie Werts/TikTok

Christie Werts and her son, Levi

Christie and Wesley Werts have taken the idea of a blended family to the next level. When the couple fell in love five years ago and married, they brought together her children, Megan and Vance, and his children, Austin and Dakota.

As of January, the Ohio family has five children after adopting young Levi, 2. Levi is the son of Wesley’s ex-wife, who passed away four days after the child was born. The ex-wife had the boy prematurely, at 33 weeks, and died soon after from drug addiction and complications of COVID-19.

When Levi was born, he was a ward of the state with no first name or birth certificate.

“When I heard about Levi, without hesitation, I said we should take him,” Christie said, according to The Daily Mail, and her reason went far beyond the fact that the child was the half-brother to two of her recently adopted children. “I myself was a foster kid and, although for the most part, I had a great experience, I did not want him going to foster care,” Christie said.

@cjthemom5

Replying to @Journey♥️ Yes, they will always know of her and ill be there for every emotion good or bad. But im also mom, ive been to every game, every doctors appt, sat with them if they needed an ear loved unconditional . I am mom also. #adoption #srorytime #siblings #foryou #loveislove

Before the family knew of Levi’s birth, Christie had a recurring dream about a blue-eyed, blonde-haired boy.

"Before Levi, we had wanted to try to have a child of our own," she told Newsweek. "I'm in my forties, so we knew that we would probably need fertility treatment, so I thought let's just think about it and what will be will be."

The problem was that Levi was in Texas, so the family sold their house and moved to the Lone Star State to go through the arduous adoption process. The situation was further complicated because Levi’s biological father had parental rights even though he had substance abuse problems. The family couldn’t move out of Texas until his rights were legally terminated.

But after a 16-month process, in January 2023, Levi became a legal family member. Christie understands that adopting her husband’s ex-wife’s baby may seem unusual to some people. "It's a lot to process for a lot of people, but honestly, it seems a lot crazier than it was. At the time, it just made sense," she said.

@cjthemom5

Our adoption is official !!! after 17 months!!! #adoption #son #loveyou #ourstory#foryou #fyp

Even though Christie knew in her heart that she must adopt Levi, she wasn’t without reservations. “'If I said I did not [have concerns beforehand], that would not be honest,” she told The Daily Mail. “This was different—I was going to walk into a child I never met and was worried the circumstances would hinder this instant love. But [...] he stole my heart. I also felt this intense need to protect him.”

These days, Levi fits right in with the family, and the rest of the kids are happy to be back to living an everyday life without any caseworkers or inspections.

“He's great, he is the king of the house! We are all very close. He won't understand the journey right now, but someday, I will let him know we fought for him!” Christie said.


This article originally appeared 1 year ago.

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Parenting

New study finds nearly half of young people are putting their hearing at risk

We're living in a very loud world.

Sascha Kohlmann

Headphones can protect you from the annoying noises of the world, but they come with their own risks.

There was a time not too long ago when teens blasting music too loudly was everyone’s problem. Parental cries of “Turn down that damned music!” seemed to punctuate every day. But with the advent of tiny, high-performance headphones, the volume battles have become personal and much more challenging to monitor. Now, as more people are plugging into music anywhere and everywhere with what experts call personal listening devices (PLDs), alarms are being raised about a new trend: unsafe listening practices that could lead to widespread hearing loss in young people.

via GIPHY

A recent global study conducted by researchers from the Medical University of South Carolina and colleagues worldwide examined the listening habits of people aged 12 to 34, focusing on exposure to loud sounds from earbuds and headphones as well as at entertainment venues like econcerts, clubs, and festivals. The findings reveal that unsafe listening habits aren’t isolated; they’re a global issue affecting millions of young ears worldwide.

Loud music, quiet consequences

The study collected data from over 19,000 individuals across 33 studies and found that roughly 24% of young people are likely using their PLDs at unsafe volumes. When it comes to loud entertainment venues, that number rises significantly, with around 48% of attendees exposed to potentially harmful sound levels.

via GIPHY

Key Findings:

  • Personal Listening Devices: 23.81% of young listeners engage in unsafe listening practices via headphones and earbuds.
  • Entertainment Venues: 48.20% of young people attending concerts or clubs are exposed to volumes that can damage hearing over time.

The World Health Organization’s guidelines indicate that listening above 85 decibels for long periods can cause irreversible hearing damage, and many concerts and clubs easily exceed this threshold. With more young people tuning in to louder sounds, often for extended periods, the cumulative impact could be life-altering.

"Unsafe listening practices are highly prevalent worldwide and may place over 1 billion young people at risk of hearing loss."

— Lauren K. Dillard, lead researcher

A hidden health crisis affecting over a billion people

The most striking takeaway from this study is the sheer number of young people at risk. The researchers estimate that between 670 million and 1.35 billion adolescents and young adults worldwide could be on a path toward hearing loss due to unsafe listening practices. This staggering number makes hearing damage a serious, though often overlooked, global health issue.

via GIPHY

Hearing loss often progresses gradually, with early symptoms easy to miss. Many don’t realize they have hearing issues until the damage has already affected their quality of life, including their ability to understand speech in noisy settings or fully enjoy music at safer volumes. Dr. Lauren Dillard, the lead researcher, highlighted the urgent need for action, emphasizing that unchecked, this issue could affect a generation.

Tech steps in: New solutions to address unsafe listening

A pair of Apple AirPods.New features might turn the source of this problem into one of its solutions. aconcagua

Recognizing the growing concern around hearing damage, some tech companies are stepping up with innovative solutions to help protect users. Apple, for instance, has recently introduced new hearing health features in its AirPods and iPhones that focus on reducing noise exposure and enabling easy hearing checkups.

  • Hearing Test in iOS Health App: Apple now offers an in-app hearing test available on the iPhone, allowing users to assess their hearing from their device, with results saved in the Health app. Users can even upload professional hearing test results for comparison. Designed to prevent gaming, the test uses randomized tones for accuracy, helping users better understand their hearing health over time.
  • Hearing Protection with AirPods Pro 2: With the recent iOS 18.1 update, AirPods Pro 2 offers hearing protection across all listening modes, including Noise Cancellation, Transparency, and Adaptive Audio. These settings help reduce exposure to overly loud sounds, adding a layer of defense for users in noisy environments. However, extreme sounds like fireworks or gunfire are still beyond its intended scope.

As Apple introduces these features, other manufacturers are likely to follow suit, with industry experts suggesting that hearing protection technology will soon become a common offering across high-end audio devices. These developments are a promising step, as technology starts to play a more active role in helping individuals protect their hearing.

Protecting your ears in a loud world

With sound technology getting smaller, sleeker, and more powerful, it’s easy to slip into unsafe listening habits. But a few small changes can go a long way toward protecting your hearing. Taking regular breaks, lowering the volume slightly, and considering noise-canceling headphones are all small steps with significant benefits.

This study’s findings are a wake-up call. Hearing loss is often preventable, but once it sets in, it’s challenging to reverse. By spreading awareness, encouraging policy changes, and practicing safe listening, we can help protect our ears and preserve the music we love—at safer volumes—for years to come.

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Family health worker has a dire warning for parents who share photos of their kids online

She breaks down the case like a lawyer.

via Ruth Watts (used with permission) and Canva/Photos

A mother takes a photo of her child for her Instagram feed.

A recent study by Data Recovery found that 68% of parents admit to making posts and sharing photos about their children, and 73% of people don’t personally know everyone who looks at their page. This can be a big problem. While most parents think that “sharenting” is harmless, some real dangers can happen to children whose photos are shared online.

Should parents post photos of their kids online?

According to NPR, sharing photos of your children could result in them being bullied by other children, or they could have their photos digitally “kidnapped” and used by fake accounts. In some cases, the photos could wind up on child pornography sites.

Ruth Watts (@ruthwattshv on TikTok), a British family health worker, recently posted a viral TikTok about parents who overshare about their kids and she makes a point that everyone should hear. After scrolling through a typical parent's page, anyone can learn more about a child’s life than the parents would ever intend to share.

Watts says that by knowing a child only through social media, she can figure out their full name, date of birth, parents' names, birthday, where they live, the foods they like and dislike, the toys they play with, their diagnosis, the parks where they like to play and so much more.

@ruthwattshv

What’s your opinion on this? Let me know in the comments ❤️ #parenting #parentsoftiktok #parentingtips #mumsoftiktok #mumlife #mum #healthvisitor #responsiveparenting #gentleparenting #parentingtips #parentingrules #babytok #babyhacksandtips #gentleparentingtips #wholesomemomcontent #mumcontent #momcontentcreator #healthvisitor

We may not think we’re giving out much information about our children. Still, when you add up all the posts year after year, plus the comments, it would be pretty easy for a predator to learn a lot about a child based solely on social media posts.

“Can you guess how I know this child? I purely know them through watching them on social media,” Watts says in a video with over 500,000 views. “I purely know all of your information because the parents have chosen to share that private, confidential information about their child. And yes, a story here, a story there and upload here and upload there. It all creates a picture. It is a jigsaw that people notice. People pay attention to and the wrong people pay attention to.”

Watts also adds that when parents share pictures of children online, they put their children in a vulnerable position without asking for their consent. The video inspired over 500 comments, many from parents who thanked her for her brutal honesty and others who shared why they don’t share photos of their children online.

sharenting, parenting, kids onlineA mother takes a photo of her child for her Instagram feed. via Canva/Photos

“This is exactly why the majority of people have no idea I even have a child. The people that matter will see him grow up in person, not fake friends through a screen,” Mikita Blackmore wrote. “This is why I don’t post my daughter on social media; it’s so scary what people can do these days,” Clara Marie added.

“I always say if you wouldn’t go to the effort of printing the photo and handing it to that person, then they shouldn’t have access to that image,” Soph wrote.

Why shouldn't parents post photos of their kids online?

Watts says she created the video because she has 2 children and feels that kids everywhere deserve a voice. “I feel it’s important to advocate for children who are vulnerable and unable to consent to posting the images. Let alone the parents and children having no understanding of internet risks and security,” she told Upworthy. “How would people feel if I started posting pictures of them without consent? I’m sure they wouldn’t like it. So why is it ok for us to post our children?”

You can follow Watts on Instagram @RuthWattshv.

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