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These men bravely shared their own harrowing abusive-relationship stories

This is what being a real man looks like.

Man typing on computer splitscreen with long block of text
Grzegorz Walczak/Unsplash & Reddit

Many of us are familiar with the signs of an abusive relationship.

Physical violence is only one of many. Extreme jealousy, verbal insults, controlling behavior, and victim blaming are all hallmark signs that someone is an abusive partner, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

What we rarely talk about, though, is that for as often as men are the perpetrators of abuse, they can just as easily be victims.


Hundreds of men recently took to Reddit to share their own harrowing stories of abusive relationships.

As many as 1 in 4 men have been victims of some form of physical abuse by a partner. For women, it's as many as 1 in 3.

That's a staggering percentage of people.

The grim and heartbreaking thread helped shed some light on an under-recognized reality: Abuse is abuse, and it has no gender.

Here are some of the main takeaways from the powerful thread, which is worth a full-read.

Note: Last names have been left out to protect victims of abuse.

1. The support system for men who are victims of abuse is extremely poor.

Robert, who shared his story of an abusive relationship in the thread, wrote that his ex would threaten him and lash out physically, but no one would ever take his complaints seriously.

"She would throw knives at stuff and wreck the house," he wrote. "I went through 16 police calls before one of them finally gave her a charge for assault."

When the two were finally separated (he writes that she was arrested on a separate charge), he had to turn to information meant for battered women for help putting his life back together.

The sad truth is that the shelters and groups out there dedicated to helping men in abusive relationships are depressingly scarce.

2. Men can be victims of physical abuse too. Often at the detriment of their "manhood."

 a man looking at his cell phone in the dark

Photo by Richard Stachmann on Unsplash

It's hard enough for many men being abused to find people who'll believe them. It's made even tougher that they might be made out to look like less of a man if they come clean.

"It's like I was supposed to just take it because I was a man," Robert wrote.

Tom, another man who shared his story, wrote that he was "embarrassed" when his ex would hit him during arguments, in public, but that he never even considered it abuse until long after they broke up.

Research supports the idea that men might be even less likely than women to report physical abuse. And we wonder why phrases like, "Man up!" are so harmful.

3. The patterns of abusive behavior are consistent whether abusers are men or women.

Another Reddit user, William, said he wasn't allowed to hang out with certain people his partner didn't like, and the controlling and manipulative behavior took a heavy toll on him.

"I knew deep down no matter what I did to try and make her happy it was never good enough. I never felt so useless," he wrote.

Many men in the thread, like Richie, wrote that the psychological trauma from their abusive relationship was the most difficult thing to reconcile and recover from.

Mood swings, illogical fights, and suicidal threats from Richie's partner pushed him to a breaking point.

"It wore me down to the bone," he wrote. "I was a shell of myself at one point."

The original thread on Reddit makes one thing abundantly clear: The problem of partner violence and abuse is likely much bigger than many people realize.

Over 10 million men and women in the United States are victims of physical domestic abuse every year; a number that doesn't include behaviors like lying, threats, and manipulation.

Toxic concepts of masculinity can sometimes lead to men becoming abusers, but as this thread shows, they can also paralyze men who need help.

Fixing our culture's broken idea of what makes a man could be a crucial step toward ending domestic violence and abuse for both men and women.

In the meantime, we can listen to the victims' stories. Everyone, man or woman, deserves to be heard.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship and wants to seek help, start by contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline, which offers support for men, women, and children.


This article originally appeared on 4.12.17
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JPMorgan offered return-to-office perks that are remarkably similar to the show 'Severance'

The only thing missing was a "music dance experience."

Apple TV

Adam Scott and Tramell Tillman in Severance

While remote work has been a mainstay since the peak of the COVID-19 pandemic, more and more companies are attempting to mandate that employees return to the office, on a full or part-time basis, including one now-infamous effort from JPMorgan Chase. The company announced that as of March 2025, all employees were required to return to the office five days per week. Their CEO even ditched the policy that allowed employees to work-from-home two days per week.

To mark the occasion, welcome everyone back ( and perhaps twist the knife a bit deeper?) the United State's largest bank unveiled a plan for a massive $3 billion, 2.5 millions square foot tower on New York's famous Park Avenue—which would house 14,000 workers and feature state of the art architecture and technology—in addition to loading up its new corporate headquarters with perks to help employees transition back to office life.

Some of these "perks" were truly great and truly enticing. Others were... questionable, to say the least.

Grace Tallon on LinkedIn even noticed that some of the benefits of working in the JPMorgan Office seemed like they were yanked right out of one of the most popular current TV shows on the planet: Severance.

If you don't know it, Severance is a psychological thriller on Apple TV that doubles as a dark and biting satire of corporate office culture and capitalism. Employees at a mysterious company called Lumon are "severed" — meaning their brains, memories, and personalities are literally split in half. While at work, they are a different person and retain no memories when they leave the office every night. In return for their sacrifice and for hitting key milestones, the employees receive ludicrous rewards like short dance parties with their boss, melon parties with carved watermelons, and handfuls of balloons. Employees are also expected to marvel at bizarre pieces of art that line the hall, featuring stoic images of Lumon's revered (and more than a bit creepy) founders.

Conversely, JPMorgan's new tower boasted 19-restaurants with at-your-desk delivery, an Irish pub, and on-site physical therapy and yoga. But that's not all!

Tallon notes, however, that JPMorgan also tried to entice employees with things like "personalized climate" in rooms and offices, a "signature scent" that wafts through the halls and somehow reinforced the brand, and, get this, even a "corporate art collection" that celebrates the company's history and values. Be more on the nose next time, will you JPMorgan? That's to say nothing of design elements that support worker's circadian rhythms and coffee machines that learn your favorites over time.

"Let’s stop pretending this is about connecting and doing better work," she writes.

Read Tallon's full post below on the striking similarities:

Commenters agreed that the perks came off more than a little tone deaf.

While some folks defended the corporation for doing their best to make employees feel cared for and taken care of, others didn't quite see it that way, especially when they compared it to the perks of WFH life.

"The climate in my own home office is just right. Along with my own coffee, artwork, lighting (window wide open), and other perks and it cost me zero dollars to drive there and I don't have to wear shoes! Way out of touch," wrote Alix Z.

"Those perks sound more like a high-tech museum experience than actual employee benefits. Instead of a 'signature scent,' how about giving employees real reasons to feel good about coming to work?" said Diana Alayon.

 severance, linkedin, jp morgan, return to office, work, work from home, jobs, workplace, wfh jobs Some at-home perk simply can't be beat. Photo credit: Canva

"Working at home perks: My own candle collection, curated to suit my preferences, Coffee and tea on tap, from our favourite brands, Comfortable cushions and blankets to help regulate my temperature at my desk, A variety of lighting options, ranging from warm white lamps to 'the big light', Freedom to work anywhere I want, such as my office desk, sofa, kitchen table or a coffee shop near by, Personalised art with photos of family and pictures we enjoy, Working space decorated to my own specifications, Plenty of spaces nearby for fresh air and dog walks" wrote Eloise Todd in a mic-drop comment.

There are of course benefits to working together in-person with your colleagues. And sure, if you're required to be there, nothing offsets discomfort quite like delicious lunches and free yoga classes. But to take away even the option of occasionally working from home and duct-taping over it with an algorithm that tracks coffee orders and temperature preferences, and filling the halls with strange paintings that move when employees walk by? It kind of loses the thread, and it's exactly the kind of thinking that the creators of Severance are so good at skewering.

 severance, linkedin, jp morgan, retseverance, linkedin, jp morgan, return to office, work, work from home, jobs, workplace, wfh jobsurn to office, work, work from home, jobs, workplace, wfh jobs Mark (Adam Scott) at the infamous dance party scene in Severance.  media0.giphy.com  

According to Forbes, there are 6 distinct reason companies might push for a return to the office. One, corporate heads believe employees get more "immersed in the company’s values." Two, they think it's easier to monitor whether or not an employee is actually working. Three, to justify the cot of that expensive office space. Four, to foster "spontaneous collaboration." Five, to give new employees a chance to observe and interact with more seasoned worker. and six, to restore a sense of belonging within the company.

But of course, none of these things have anything to do with what people really want: Autonomy. That, in addition to fair pay, some level of flexibility, and good benefits. Perks are nice — even the kind of weird ones — but they can only go so far. It remains to be seen if companies that dictate back-to-the-office edicts are willing to follow through on the things that really matter. Please note how waffle parties did not make that list.

This article originally appeared in February

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'Either way you've been there before.' Mom has beautiful way to explain death to her kids.

It works for adults too.

Photo credit: Canva

"Either way you've been there before."

We talk a lot about the awkwardness of having that inevitable “birds and the bees” talk with our kiddos, but there’s another conversation topic bound to be even more anxiety inducing: what happens after we die.

It’s a difficult question for parents to answer, since not even we really know what happens after we pass on. Those who subscribe to a religious belief connected to an afterlife might have perhaps an easier time initially, but even then, there are bound to be very complex follow-up questions that aren’t so easy to navigate…especially in a way that kids can understand without getting overwhelmed. Because let’s face it, it’s an overwhelming topic no matter what age you are.

 death, death talk, talking to kids about death, grief, death anxiety, afterlife, difficult conversations, parenting A mother consoling her grieving children. Photo credit: Canva

And yet, a mom named Penny offered to share how she has the “death talk" with her young ones, and it’s actually pretty darn solid.

Because every bit of it is great, we’re just putting the whole thing down below:

“When my kids would say ‘Mommy, where do you go after you die?’ I would tell them, ‘I think you probably just go to wherever you were before you were born.’ And they’d ask me ‘Where is that?’ and I’d say ‘I don’t know. I don’t remember. It might be a place, it might be nothing. Either way, you’ve been there before. Because before you were here if you were somewhere else you were OK. And if you were nowhere that was OK, too. So if you die and you go somewhere else, you’ll be OK. But if you die and it’s nothing you’ve been in nothing before and it was OK. It’ll be OK then, too.’”

 
 @iwillfightyourdad Shockingly we haven’t had a single existential crisis after this discussion.
 ♬ original sound - 🪿🎀Penny🎀🪿 
 
 

Tearing up? Don’t worry, you’re not alone.

“Okay but why did this make me cry,” one person wrote. Others noted how these were equally wise words for adults who might be dealing with their own death anxiety.

“Are you sure this is an answer for kids? Because I think you just cured my fear of death as a 35 yo,” one person quipped.

Another echoed, “as an adult who panics about there being nothing after death…this brought me bittersweet comfort. That my deepest fear could be true, but to take a different perspective on it.”

Penny’s words echo that of poet and Epicurean philosopher Lucretius, who viewed death as simply a return to the non-existent state we were in before birth. If one doesn't fear the time before their birth, they shouldn't fear the time after their death, he argued. 

In his book On the Nature of Things, Lucretius wrote:

“Consider the time before we were born: we felt no distress when the Carthaginians were attacking Rome on every side; and the whole world was shaken by the frightening tumult of that war… and in the same way in the future, when we shall no longer exist, and the final breaking up occurs for the body and spirit from which we are now compounded into a single unit, nothing whatever will be able to happen to us, or produce any sensation — not even if the the earth should collapse in to the sea, or the sea explode in the sky…”

  - YouTube  www.youtube.com  

Beautifully written, but we can easily see how Penny’s “Either way, you’ve been there before” version is a little easier to comprehend for kids and adults alike.

Obviously, with a complex subject like this, there will be several layers of conversations to be had and feelings to process. After all, no one has all the answers…and that can be scary. But wisdom like this can certainly help navigate through that murky terrain. Several folks are calling for Penny to make this into a children’s book, so who knows? Maybe parents will soon have it as a little companion when they have the Grim Reaper chat with their littles. Or to come back to for themselves.

If not, they can always go back to her very thoughtful video.

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The 4 words that can keep conversation flowing forever, even between socially awkward people

You can keep seamlessly transitioning to more interesting topics.

via Canva/Photos

A couple talking over coffee.

Many people find making small talk to be an excruciating experience. They think it’s boring to talk with a stranger about the weather, sports, or weekend plans. They may also feel like they don’t have anything to contribute to the conversation, or they don’t understand the point of having one in the first place.

However, those who excel at making small talk have a tremendous advantage in their professional and romantic relationships, as well as in forming new friendships. Most importantly, small talk is a window to transition into medium talk or, eventually, deep, meaningful conversations. The problem is that many people get stuck in small talk, and things stall before progressing to something beneficial.

 conversation, small talk, conversation tips, communications tips, medium talk, reminder A man and woman chatting.via Canva/Photos

How to get better at small talk

The great thing is that, like anything, making small talk is a skill that we can all improve by learning some simple conversation techniques. One technique that is great for keeping a conversation going, like hitting a ball back and forth past a net in tennis, is a simple statement: It reminds me of…”

A redditor named IsaihLikesToConnect shared some great examples of how the phrase can be used to turn a mundane topic, such as the weather, into something much more fun.

Them: "It's been really rainy, huh?"

You:

Option 1 (Personal Story): "Yeah, it reminds me of a time I went on a run in the rain and nearly got hit by a car."

Option 2 (Music / Pop Culture): "It reminds me of every Adele song. When I'm driving, I feel like I'm in a music video."

Option 3 (Family): "It reminds me of my dad, he used to love playing with us in the rain as kids."

Option 4 (Thing you watched / World News): "It reminds me of this documentary I saw where they're trying to make it rain in the Sahara Desert.”

Option 5 (Place you lived): “It reminds me of when I lived in Australia, it barely ever rained there. I actually love this weather.”


 conversation, small talk, conversation tips, communications tips, medium talk, reminder Coworkers having a conversation.via Canva/Photos

You see in this example that using “It reminds me of…” opened up the conversation to five potential new and more exciting topics. The “You” in the story could have responded with, “Yeah, it sure is rainy,” and the conversation would have ended right there. But instead, branching off the topic of rain into something a bit deeper took the conversation to the next level. You get extra points if you can take the “reminds me of” into a topic that you assume the other person will be interested in.

 conversation, small talk, conversation tips, communications tips, medium talk, reminder Coworkers having a conversation.via Canva/Photos

What’s a polite way to change the topic in a conversation?

Using “this reminds me of…” is also a polite way to move the topics in another direction, especially when it's a topic that you don’t want to discuss or one that makes you feel a bit uncomfortable. Or, if it’s a situation where the other person is monologing on one topic for a very long time, this makes it easy to transition away from their diatribe.

Ultimately, the phrase is an excellent way for you to save the person you’re talking to from being stuck in the small talk rut as well. It shows you understand that when someone brings up the weather, they are merely getting things started with something both of you have in common. They probably don’t want to talk about the weather for 30 minutes, unless they are a meteorologist. “It reminds me of…” is an invitation to go a bit deeper and shows the other person that you’d like to learn more about them.

This article originally appeared in April.

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Indie band gets offer from a total stranger to 'fix' their song and it becomes a viral hit

It's not only being hailed the song of the summer, but a reason to still believe in humanity.

@rachelruffcuyler/TikTok

The Internet can be a wonderful place. Here's proof.

For all its faults, the Internet—TikTok especially—has a magical way of inspiring connections that otherwise would never have happened.

This was certainly the case for Rachel Ruff Cuyler and a Utah-based indie band named Poolhouse that randomly came across her feed one day. Neither Cuyler nor the members of Poolhouse could have guessed that a few tweaks offered by Cuyler would end up making a viral hit…or a fast friendship.

“There’s a song that came across my algorithm yesterday,, and all I want to do is fix it,” Cuyler said with a beaming smile in the TikTok video that set this whole story off.

 rachel ruff cuyler, poolhouse, indie rock, music, viral song, rock music, tiktok collabs, harmonies, teenage dirtbag Rachel Ruff Cuyler explaining how she would "fix" Poolhouse' song to make it the next "Teenage Dirtbag." @rachelruffcuyler/TikTok

The song in question, “Could Be Love,” had “all the pieces” of a mega-hit, Cuyler noted. It even had the potential to become the next “Teenage Dirtbag” (strong praise, Cuyler, strong praise). The only issue was all those great pieces were “in the wrong place.”

Getting delightfully enthusiastic, Cuyler suggested three things. One, that the chorus be made into the first verse, in addition to being the chorus. Two, that the current first chorus be made into the second verse. When the song gets to the chorus, it should be punched up “the same way they did in the Pepper Ann theme song.” Millennials felt that in their core.

In case you’re unfamiliar, here’s that bop:

  - YouTube  www.youtube.com  

Lastly, Cuyler said that the sound needed to be “fuller” overall, and proposed adding more call and response bits as well as more harmonies. But you don’t have to imagine any of this, cause she cut a version herself, which you can hear (and witness Cuyler rocking out to joyously) at about 1 minute and 23 seconds into the clip:


 
 @rachelruffcuyler How To Fix "Could Be Love" by @Poolhouse I do this out of love #musicrecommendations #addthistoyourplaylist #songsforyourplaylist #newmusic #indiebands ♬ original sound - Rachel Makes Movies (and TV) 
 
 

In a lovely act of fate, Cuyler’s video ended up going viral, with millions of people, including bona fide hitmakers like Muni Long, wholeheartedly agreeing with her take. This in turn, helped the video make its way back to Poolhouse.

Rather than taking any offense, Poolhouse members were taken aback by Cuyler's positivity, and incorporated her notes to create “Could Be Love - Rachel’s Version.” They even invited Cuyler from her home in Atlanta out to Utah to be in the music video.

Cuyler, of course, said yes. And as the freshly made chorus begins to play, she jumps into frame and rocks out with her new buds, which you can see below:

 
 @poolhouseband Thank you to Rachel and everyone following this story for putting us in a position where we can release two versions of a song that we truly love. We feel this whole thing is what Poolhouse is all about and we are so proud of Rachel’s Version and the OG. Our song of the summer is out and we hope it will be the song of your summer too! Thank god I’m a loser! 🫶🏻 @Rachel Makes Movies (and TV) @Spotify ♬ Could Be Love (Rachel's Version) - Poolhouse 
 
 

Sure enough, “Could Be Love - Rachel’s Version” became a hit. But perhaps even more importantly, it gave people a much needed restoration in their faith for humanity.

“What a time to be alive! The internet was made for moments like this.”

“Proof that AI can never truly replace human art, because AI would never know we needed the Pepper Ann Treatment.”

“I love how both parties understand the concept of constructive criticism. Like the band says she didn't just say ‘your song is bad,’ she actually gives them a proper criticism, telling them which parts that could be fixed and better. At the same time, the band have their eyes wide to see that she's genuinely trying to help them instead of just bashing them. In a better world, this should be the norm.”

“This is a beautiful illustration of what constructive criticism actually looks like and the importance of framing your argument in a such a way that the people you are trying to reach don't take offense and immediately tune you out. The result of being open to listening to ideas from outside your circle of trust are not always this amazing, but more times than not, you will come away with a new idea.”

“Awesome story. This is what the internet was created for connection and inspiration. More of this please.”

Never underestimate the power of sharing your authentic enthusiasm. You never know what wonderful collaborations, adventures, and memories it might be inviting in.

  - YouTube  www.youtube.com  

Stay tuned with all things Poolhouse and Rachel Ruff Cuyler via the link below

Poolhouse: IG, TikTok, Spotify

Rachel Ruff Cuyler: TikTok

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The secret alphabet actors use that lets you pronounce any word in any language or accent

Ever heard of a "voiced alveolar flap?" Me neither.

Canva Photos & By International Phonetic Association - CC BY-SA 3.0,

Actors and elite language learners have a secret tool that rapidly accelerates their pronunciation skills.

There's a lot of talk around bad or unconvincing accents in Hollywood movies. Lines, scenes, or entire films that just don't quite sound right. But there are just as many, or more, examples that are absolutely brilliant.

One of my favorite recent examples is Tom Holland in the Spiderman films. Holland is British, and sounds like it in real life. Yet in the Marvel movies, he perfectly passes for a young American kid speaking plain old English. I can't imagine how much work it must take for him to (seemingly effortlessly) sound like an American! Andrew Garfield (ironically, another Spiderman) also does a commendable American accent, as does Idris Elba. Meryl Streep is world-renowned for her accent work in movies. Cate Blanchett is another actress that's consistently lauded for accurate dialects. The list goes on and on.

Have you ever wondered how certain actors get so good at accents? Of course, they have coaches to help them but do some people just have a natural ear for replicating dialects?

Well, yes, some people do have a natural ear and talent for accents. But there's an incredible phonetic tool that some actors use to master their accent work. It's a special alphabet that anyone can learn, and it can enhance your ability to speak any language fluently and convincingly.

And most people have never heard of it!

Learning any language, even your own native language, requires a fair bit of memorization. Pronunciation cues aren't always obvious in the written language. Duolingo astutely points out that the u in 'dude,' 'put,' and 'putt' makes a slightly different sound in each word.

We know the e at the end of 'dude' makes the long u sound. But what explains the difference between putting (like golf) or putting (as in, to put) and the difference between pudding and puddle?

Unless you've memorized the near-entirety of the English language (the way we do slowly as we grow up surrounded by it), you'd have a nightmare of a time trying to pronounce it all properly. Add in tongues, accents, and dialects that alter the rules as we know them of language, and you can imagine how difficult it would be for, say, a person who grew up speaking Spanish trying to learn a specific flavor of New York English.

This is where the International Phonetic Alphabet (IPA) comes in. It's a universal organizational system that categorizes all the different possible vowel and consonant sounds the human mouth can make, and writes letters and words according to those sounds—not any one specific language's writing system.

So, when it comes to that pesky letter u, when using the IPA you won't have to guess what sound it makes based on the letters that surround it.

The three U sounds would all be written differently: /u/, /ʊ/, or /ʌ/.

Conversely, there are several combinations of vowels in English that all make the same sound. 'Bead,' 'tree,' 'key,' and 'chic' all have the same vowel sound in the middle despite different spellings. Confusing! With the IPA, however, that sound would be written as /i/ regardless of what letters make up the sound. It's all about the mouth!


@vox.to.verba

Reply to @thechronictrekkie #ipa #internationalphoneticalphabet #linguistics #linguistic #appliedlinguistics #ipachart #phoneticalphabet #phonetics #phoneticsandphonology

The phonetic alphabet is incredibly detailed in its cataloguing of sounds. There are terms and annotations that refer to the shape and position of your mouth and tongue as you create the sound, words that describe how much air you're letting out, whether your tone is rising or falling. It's absolutely incredible.

For example, the voiced alveolar tap is something of an "r" sound that involves tapping the tongue on the roof of the mouth. That's not to be confused with the voiced alveolar flap which has the tongue slightly curled before tapping. Fascinating!

Imagine being an actor trying to learn an Irish accent for a role. You can listen, and be coached, by a native speaker. But it might also be extremely helpful to break your lines down into the specific sounds and mouth shapes you'll need to master in order to sound truly authentic.

 accents, language, accent, english accent, foreign language, ESL, speech therapy, phonics, phonetics, actorsNot  Not exactly a light read, but if you're serious about mastering your pronunciation the IPA can be a huge help.International Phonetic Association, CC BY-SA 3.0

You don't have to be an actor trying master an accent to learn the IPA and make good use of it.

Studying the IPA for a language you're trying to learn can rapidly accelerate your pronunciation. Phonetic spellings not only tell you the shape and movement of your mouth, it can also tell you which syllable in the word should get the emphasis and how your vocal tone should change throughout the word. That kind of learning can take you from someone who can merely stumble through a few sentences in a chosen language, to someone who can truly converse in it.

The phonetic alphabet is also heavily used in speech therapy. Therapists will create a phonetic transcription of a sample of speech in order to determine the nature of any errors or difficulties. That allows them to create a targeted treatment plan to address those specific errors.


@englishnativetongue

Now I know my IPA I hope you learned with me today! 🎶 The English International Phonetic Alphabet (IPA) Song I saw @CoffeeCupEnglish do this song and I just had to try my best and recreate it with an American accent! #englishlanguage #englishlearning #ipasong #nativetongue

English is such a funny and tricky language. For every rule (of which there are many), there are twice as many exceptions. It's a wonder anyone can ever learn it.

And yet, English is the third most spoke language in the world, and one of the most universal. It's an extremely common second language for people in all corners of the globe, which sure is convenient for those of us born in America.

Somehow, I never knew there was an easier way to learn how to pronounce things. A way to bypass all of English's nonsensical rules and unspoken peccadilloes. If only the International Phonetic Alphabet wasn't such an eyesore on paper, maybe we could ditch the written version of English entirely. Then, of course, I would be out of a job!

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