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When the first Black senator elected in Georgia was expelled in 1868, he responded with a speech of thunderous defiance.

When the first Black senator elected in Georgia was expelled in 1868, he responded with a speech of thunderous defiance.
via Wikipedia

In July 1868, a mere three years after the Civil War, the first 33 Black members of the Georgia General Assembly — all members of the Republican Party — were elected to office.

Just two months later, the "Original 33" were expelled from their seats by the white Democratic majority. Back then, the Republican Party stood up for the rights of Black people, while the Democrats were a party that upheld white supremacy.

Things have changed since.


The unfathomable injustice inspired newly-elected Black Senator Henry McNeal Turner to deliver a thunderous speech chastising white lawmakers in the Georgia state legislature. The speech is a masterwork in defiance and is centered around the central question that lies beneath all civil rights movements: "Am I a man?"

In the speech, he makes no attempt to grovel for his right to hold office because doing so would be tantamount to slavery. "I hold that I am a member of this body. Therefore, sir, I shall neither fawn nor cringe before any party, nor stoop to beg them for my rights," Turner says.

"I am here to demand my rights and to hurl thunderbolts at the men who would dare to cross the threshold of my manhood," he continued.

via Christina / Flickr

He also made the point that without political power, Black people are not free.

"Never, so help me God, shall I be a political slave," Turner said. "I am not now speaking for those colored men who sit with me in this House, nor do I say that they endorse my sentiments, but assisting Mr. Lincoln to take me out of servile slavery did not intend to put me and my race into political slavery."

In June 1869, the Supreme Court of Georgia ruled 2-1 that Black people did have a right to hold office in Georgia. The representatives were restored in 1870 and the commanding general of the District of Georgia Alfred H. Terry removed all of the ex-Confederates from the assembly, resulting in a Republican majority in both houses.

Turner was born a free man in South Carolina and worked on a cotton plantation among slaves where he secretly taught himself to read. He would go on to become a Methodist preacher and ministered in Baltimore, St. Louis, Maryland in Washington, D.C.

In 1863, during the American Civil War, Turner was appointed as the first black chaplain in the United States Colored Troops.

US Colored Troops c. 1864 via Library of Congress

After serving one term in the legislature, he returned his attention to the Methodist church. Disillusioned by Reconstruction, he would advocate for Black people to return to Africa, Liberia in particular.

He died in Canada in 1915 while tending to church business.

Here's Turner's complete 1868 speech.

Mr. Speaker: Before proceeding to argue this question upon its intrinsic merits, I wish the members of this House to understand the position that I take. I hold that I am a member of this body. Therefore, sir, I shall neither fawn nor cringe before any party, nor stoop to beg them for my rights. Some of my colored fellow members, in the course of their remarks, took occasion to appeal to the sympathies of members on the opposite side, and to eulogize their character for magnanimity. It reminds me very much, sir, of slaves begging under the lash. I am here to demand my rights and to hurl thunderbolts at the men who would dare to cross the threshold of my manhood. There is an old aphorism which says, "fight the devil with fire," and if I should observe the rule in this instance, I wish gentlemen to understand that it is but fighting them with their own weapon.

The scene presented in this House, today, is one unparalleled in the history of the world. From this day, back to the day when God breathed the breath of life into Adam, no analogy for it can be found. Never, in the history of the world, has a man been arraigned before a body clothed with legislative, judicial or executive functions, charged with the offense of being a darker hue than his fellow men. I know that questions have been before the courts of this country, and of other countries, involving topics not altogether dissimilar to that which is being discussed here today.

But, sir, never in the history of the great nations of this world never before has a man been arraigned, charged with an offense committed by the God of Heaven Himself. Cases may be found where men have been deprived of their rights for crimes and misdemeanors; but it has remained for the state of Georgia, in the very heart of the nineteenth century, to call a man before the bar, and there charge him with an act for which he is no more responsible than for the head which he carries upon his shoulders. The Anglo Saxon race, sir, is a most surprising one. No man has ever been more deceived in that race than I have been for the last three weeks. I was not aware that there was in the character of that race so much cowardice or so much pusillanimity. The treachery which has been exhibited in it by gentlemen belonging to that race has shaken my confidence in it more than anything that has come under my observation from the day of my birth.

What is the question at issue? Why, sir, this Assembly, today, is discuss¬ing and deliberating on a judgment; there is not a Cherub that sits around God's eternal throne today that would not tremble even were an order is¬sued by the Supreme God Himself to come down here and sit in judgment on my manhood. Gentlemen may look at this question in whatever light they choose, and with just as much indifference as they may think proper to assume, but I tell you, sir, that this is a question which will not die today. This event shall be remembered by posterity for ages yet to come, and while the sun shall continue to climb the hills of heaven.

Whose legislature is this? Is it a white man's legislature, or is it a black man's legislature? Who voted for a constitutional convention, in obedience to the mandate of the Congress of the United States? Who first rallied around the standard of Reconstruction? Who set the ball of loyalty rolling in the state of Georgia? And whose voice was heard on the hills and in the valleys of this state? It was the voice of the brawny armed Negro, with the few humanitarian hearted white men who came to our assistance. I claim the honor, sir, of having been the instrument of convincing hundreds yea, thousands of white men, that to reconstruct under the measures of the United States Congress was the safest and the best course for the interest of the state.

Let us look at some facts in connection with this matter. Did half the white men of Georgia vote for this legislature? Did not the great bulk of them fight, with all their strength, the Constitution under which we are act¬ing? And did they not fight against the organization of this legislature? And further, sir, did they not vote against it? Yes, sir! And there are persons in this legislature today who are ready to spit their poison in my face, while they themselves opposed, with all their power, the ratification of this Con¬stitution. They question my right to a seat in this body, to represent the people whose legal votes elected me. This objection, sir, is an unheard of monopoly of power. No analogy can be found for it, except it be the case of a man who should go into my house, take possession of my wife and chil¬dren, and then tell me to walk out. I stand very much in the position of a criminal before your bar, because I dare to be the exponent of the views of those who sent me here. Or, in other words, we are told that if black men want to speak, they must speak through white trumpets; if black men want their sentiments expressed, they must be adulterated and sent through white messengers, who will quibble and equivocate and evade as rapidly as the pen¬dulum of a clock. If this be not done, then the black men have committed an outrage, and their representatives must be denied the right to represent their constituents.

via Mark / Flickr

The great question, sir, is this: Am I a man? If I am such, I claim the rights of a man. Am I not a man because I happen to be of a darker hue than honorable gentlemen around me? Let me see whether I am or not. I want to convince the House today that I am entitled to my seat here. A certain gentleman has argued that the Negro was a mere development similar to the orangoutang or chimpanzee, but it so happens that, when a Negro is examined, physiologically, phrenologically and anatomically, and I may say, physiognomically, he is found to be the same as persons of different color. I would like to ask any gentleman on this floor, where is the analogy? Do you find me a quadruped, or do you find me a man? Do you find three bones less in my back than in that of the white man? Do you find fewer organs in the brain? If you know nothing of this, I do; for I have helped to dissect fifty men, black and white, and I assert that by the time you take off the mucous pigment the color of the skin you cannot, to save your life, distinguish between the black man and the white. Am I a man? Have I a soul to save, as you have? Am I susceptible of eternal development, as you are? Can I learn all the arts and sciences that you can? Has it ever been demonstrated in the history of the world? Have black men ever exhibited bravery as white men have done? Have they ever been in the professions? Have they not as good articulative organs as you?

Some people argue that there is a very close similarity between the larynx of the Negro and that of the orangoutang. Why, sir, there is not so much similarity between them as there is between the larynx of the man and that of the dog, and this fact I dare any member of this House to dispute. God saw fit to vary everything in nature. There are no two men alike no two voices alike no two trees alike. God has weaved and tissued variety and versatility throughout the boundless space of His creation. Because God saw fit to make some red, and some white, and some black, and some brown, are we to sit here in judgment upon what God has seen fit to do? As well might one play with the thunderbolts of heaven as with that creature that bears God's image God's photograph.

The question is asked, "What is it that the Negro race has done?" Well, Mr. Speaker, all I have to say upon the subject is this: If we are the class of people that we are generally represented to be, I hold that we are a very great people. It is generally considered that we are the children of Canaan, and the curse of a father rests upon our heads, and has rested, all through history. Sir, I deny that the curse of Noah had anything to do with the Negro. We are not the Children of Canaan; and if we are, sir, where should we stand? Let us look a little into history. Melchizedek was a Canaanite; all the Phoenicians all those inventors of the arts and sciences were the posterity of Canaan; but, sir, the Negro is not. We are the children of Cush, and Canaan's curse has nothing whatever to do with the Negro. If we belong to that race, Ham belonged to it, under whose instructions Napoleon Bonaparte studied military tactics. If we belong to that race, Saint Augustine belonged to it. Who was it that laid the foundation of the great Reformation? Martin Luther, who lit the light of gospel truth alight that will never go out until the sun shall rise to set no more; and, long ere then, Democratic principles will have found their level in the regions of Pluto and of Prosperpine . . . .

The honorable gentleman from Whitfield (Mr. Shumate), when arguing this question, a day or two ago, put forth the proposition that to be a representative was not to be an officer "it was a privilege that citizens had a right to enjoy." These are his words. It was not an office; it was a "privilege." Every gentleman here knows that he denied that to be a representative was to be an officer. Now, he is recognized as a leader of the Democratic party in this House, and generally cooks victuals for them to eat; makes that remarkable declaration, and how are you, gentlemen on the other side of the House, because I am an officer, when one of your great lights says that I am not an officer? If you deny my right the right of my constituents to have representation here because it is a "privilege," then, sir, I will show you that I have as many privileges as the whitest man on this floor. If I am not permitted to occupy a seat here, for the purpose of representing my constituents, I want to know how white men can be permitted to do so.

How can a white man represent a colored constituency, if a colored man cannot do it? The great argument is: "Oh, we have inherited" this, that and the other. Now, I want gentlemen to come down to cool, common sense. Is the created greater than the Creator? Is man greater than God? It is very strange, if a white man can occupy on this floor a seat created by colored votes, and a black man cannot do it. Why, gentlemen, it is the most shortsighted reasoning in the world. A man can see better than that with half an eye; and even if he had no eye at all, he could forge one, as the Cyclops did, or punch one with his finger, which would enable him to see through that.

It is said that Congress never gave us the right to hold office. I want to know, sir, if the Reconstruction measures did not base their action on the ground that no distinction should be made on account of race, color or previous condition? Was not that the grand fulcrum on which they rested? And did not every reconstructed state have to reconstruct on the idea that no discrimination, in any sense of the term, should be made? There is not a man here who will dare say No. If Congress has simply given me a merely sufficient civil and political rights to make me a mere political slave for Democrats, or anybody else giving them the opportunity of jumping on my back in order to leap into political power I do not thank Congress for it. Never, so help me God, shall I be a political slave. I am not now speaking for those colored men who sit with me in this House, nor do I say that they endorse my sentiments, but assisting Mr. Lincoln to take me out of servile slavery did not intend to put me and my race into political slavery. If they did, let them take away my ballot I do not want it, and shall not have it. I don't want to be a mere tool of that sort. I have been a slave long enough already.

I tell you what I would be willing to do: I am willing that the question should be submitted to Congress for an explanation as to what was meant in the passage of their Reconstruction measures, and of the Constitutional Amendment. Let the Democratic Party in this House pass a resolution giving this subject that direction, and I shall be content. I dare you, gentlemen, to do it. Come up to the question openly, whether it meant that the Negro might hold office, or whether it meant that he should merely have the right to vote. If you are honest men, you will do it. If, however, you will not do that, I would make another proposition: Call together, again, the convention that framed the constitution under which we are acting; let them take a vote upon the subject, and I am willing to abide by their decision…

These colored men, who are unable to express themselves with all the clearness and dignity and force of rhetorical eloquence, are laughed at in derision by the Democracy of the country. It reminds me very much of the man who looked at himself in a mirror and, imagining that he was addressing another person, exclaimed: My God, how ugly you are!" These gentlemen do not consider for a moment the dreadful hardships which these people have endured, and especially those who in any way endeavored to acquire an education. For myself, sir, I was raised in the cotton field of South Carolina, and in order to prepare myself for usefulness, as well to myself as to my race, I determined to devote my spare hours to study. When the overseer retired at night to his comfortable couch, I sat and read and thought and studied, until I heard him blow his horn in the morning. He frequently told me, with an oath, that if he discovered me attempting to learn, that he would whip me to death, and I have no doubt he would have done so, if he had found an opportunity. I prayed to Almighty God to assist me, and He did, and I thank Him with my whole heart and soul…

So far as I am personally concerned, no man in Georgia has been more conservative than I. "Anything to please the white folks" has been my motto; and so closely have I adhered to that course, that many among my own party have classed me as a Democrat. One of the leaders of the Republican party in Georgia has not been at all favorable to me for some time back, because he believed that I was too "conservative" for a Republican. I can assure you, however, Mr. Speaker, that I have had quite enough, and to spare, of such "conservatism" . . .

A monument at the Georgia Capitol pays tribute to the Black lawmakers who were expelled in 1868.

But, Mr. Speaker, I do not regard this movement as a thrust at me. It is a thrust at the Bible a thrust at the God of the Universe, for making a man and not finishing him; it is simply calling the Great Jehovah a fool. Why, sir, though we are not white, we have accomplished much. We have pioneered civilization here; we have built up your country; we have worked in your fields and garnered your harvests for two hundred and fifty years! And what do we ask of you in return? Do we ask you for compensation for the sweat our fathers bore for you for the tears you have caused, and the hearts you have broken, and the lives you have curtailed, and the blood you have spilled? Do we ask retaliation? We ask it not. We are willing to let the dead past bury its dead; but we ask you, now for our rights. You have all the elements of superiority upon your side; you have our money and your own; you have our education and your own; and you have our land and your own too. We, who number hundreds of thousands in Georgia, including our wives and families, with not a foot of land to call our own strangers in the land of our birth; without money, without education, without aid, without a roof to cover us while we live, nor sufficient clay to cover us when we die!

It is extraordinary that a race such as yours, professing gallantry and chivalry and education and superiority, living in a land where ringing chimes call child and sire to the church of God a land where Bibles are read and Gospel truths are spoken, and where courts of justice are presumed to exist; it is extraordinary that, with all these advantages on your side, you can make war upon the poor defenseless black man. You know we have no money, no railroads, no telegraphs, no advantages of any sort, and yet all manner of injustice is placed upon us. You know that the black people of this country acknowledge you as their superiors, by virtue of your education and advantages…

You may expel us, gentlemen, but I firmly believe that you will some day repent it. The black man cannot protect a country, if the country doesn't protect him; and if, tomorrow, a war should arise, I would not raise a musket to defend a country where my manhood is denied. The fashionable way in Georgia, when hard work is to be done, is for the white man to sit at his ease while the black man does the work; but, sir, I will say this much to the colored men of Georgia, as, if I should be killed in this campaign, I may have no opportunity of telling them at any other time: Never lift a finger nor raise a hand in defense of Georgia, until Georgia acknowledges that you are men and invests you with the rights pertaining to manhood. Pay your taxes, however, obey all orders from your employers, take good counsel from friends, work faithfully, earn an honest living, and show, by your conduct, that you can be good citizens.

Go on with your oppressions. Babylon fell. Where is Greece? Where is Nineveh? And where is Rome, the Mistress Empire of the world? Why is it that she stands, today, in broken fragments throughout Europe? Because oppression killed her. Every act that we commit is like a bounding ball. If you curse a man, that curse rebounds upon you; and when you bless a man, the blessing returns to you; and when you oppress a man, the oppression also will rebound. Where have you ever heard of four millions of freemen being governed by laws, and yet have no hand in their making? Search the records of the world, and you will find no example. "Governments derive their just powers from the consent of the governed." How dare you to make laws by which to try me and my wife and children, and deny me a voice in the making of these laws? I know you can establish a monarchy, an autocracy, an oligarchy, or any other kind of ocracy that you please; and that you can declare whom you please to be sovereign; but tell me, sir, how you can clothe me with more power than another, where all are sovereigns alike? How can you say you have a republican form of government, when you make such distinction and enact such proscriptive laws?

Gentlemen talk a good deal about the Negroes "building no monuments." I can tell the gentlemen one thing: that is, that we could have built monuments of fire while the war was in progress. We could have fired your woods, your barns and fences, and called you home. Did we do it? No, sir! And God grant that the Negro may never do it, or do anything else that would destroy the good opinion of his friends. No epithet is sufficiently opprobrious for us now. I saw, sir, that we have built a monument of docility, of obedience, of respect, and of self control, that will endure longer than the Pyramids of Egypt.

We are a persecuted people. Luther was persecuted; Galileo was persecuted; good men in all nations have been persecuted; but the persecutors have been handed down to posterity with shame and ignominy. If you pass this bill, you will never get Congress to pardon or enfranchise another rebel in your lives. You are going to fix an everlasting disfranchisement upon Mr. Toombs and the other leading men of Georgia. You may think you are doing yourselves honor by expelling us from this House; but when we go, we will do as Wickliffe and as Latimer did. We will light a torch of truth that will never be extinguished the impression that will run through the country, as people picture in their mind's eye these poor black men, in all parts of this Southern country, pleading for their rights. When you expel us, you make us forever your political foes, and you will never find a black man to vote a Democratic ticket again; for, so help me God, I will go through all the length and breadth of the land, where a man of my race is to be found, and advise him to beware of the Democratic party. Justice is the great doctrine taught in the Bible. God's Eternal justice is founded upon Truth, and the man who steps from justice steps from 'Ruth, and cannot make his principles to prevail.

I have now, Mr. Speaker, said all that my physical condition will allow me to say. Weak and ill, though I am, I could not sit passively here and see the sacred rights of my race destroyed at one blow. We are in a position somewhat similar to that of the famous "Light Brigade," of which Tennyson says, they had

Cannon to right of them, Cannon to left of them, Cannon in front of them, Volleyed and thundered.

I hope that our poor, downtrodden race may act well and wisely through this period of trial, and that they will exercise patience and discretion under all circumstances.

You may expel us, gentlemen, by your votes, today; but, while you do it, remember that there is a just God in Heaven, whose All-Seeing Eye beholds alike the acts of the oppressor and the oppressed, and who, despite the machinations of the wicked, never fails to vindicate the cause of Justice, and the sanctity of His own handiwork.





@cosmo_andtheoddparents/TikTok

He wuvs his vet.

Not every dog might jump with joy after seeing their vet out in public. But for Cosmo the Golden Retriever, it was practically Christmas all over again when he spotted his own vet, Dr. Jones, at a brewery.

In an adorable clip posted to TikTok, we see Cosmo in pure, unadulterated bliss as he snuggles with an equally happy Dr. Jones, who, considering he’s still in his scrubs, might have just gotten out of work to grab a quick pint.

Watch:

Ugh, the cuteness is too much to handle! People in the comments could barely contain their secondhand joy.

“He looked over like, “Mom, do you see who this is?” one person wrote, while another said, “What in the Hallmark movie? Adorable!!”

One person even joked, “Did we all check the vet’s hand for a wedding ring? (Said as a married woman. Looking out for you all, or something.)”

According to Hannah Dweikat, Cosmo’s owner, the two actually share quite a history. She tells Upworthy that when Cosmo was but a wee pup, he “gave a scare” after eating a Sago Palm seed, which are highly toxic to dogs, from a plant in their backyard, which of course resulted in him being rushed to the animal hospital and staying there over the weekend.

While that’s every pet owner’s worst nightmare, and certainly a scary situation for the poor fur baby, Dweikat says that “the calm and patient demeanor” of Dr. Jones and his staff put Cosmo at ease. And because of this, “Cosmo has always loved going to see his friends—especially because they give him lots of treats and snuggles.”

Cosmo and Dr. Jones’ buddyship has also blossomed thanks to proximity, as Dweikat only lives down the street from the clinic. “Which means we get to see Dr. Jones and his staff out in public at times and Cosmo takes every chance he can get to say hi,” she explains. This time, however, she was able to capture it all on video. Yay for us!

What makes a good vet?

While not every vet, however gifted, will be able to elicit this type of reaction from their patients, having a calming presence like Dr. Jones is certainly a good sign for pet owners to be on the lookout for when shopping around for their own vet. But that’s not the only quality a good vet needs. According to Saint Matthews University, a vet also needs to have high stamina (both physically and mentally), as well as an ability to tolerate unpleasant situations (you can’t faint at the sight of blood or vomit), a high level of emotional intelligence (maybe all doctors should possess this skill, but especially those who work with animals), adaptability, a sense of enthusiasm, and finally, excellent communication skills.

Dr. Jones seems to have these attributes in spades, and his patients clearly love him for it. None so much as Cosmo, obviously.

By the way, if you’re in need of even more content featuring this precious pup, you can follow Cosmo on both TikTok and Instagram.

Community

Tim Tebow's Night to Shine event celebrated over 100,000 people with special needs

"Lord willing, we won’t stop until every person with special needs knows their worth," Tebow tells Upworthy.

The Tebow Group

Tim Tebow poses with Night to Shine attendee in Thailand.

The red carpets were rolled out around the world last Friday, February 7th, for a very special celebration of over 100,000 people with special needs at the Tim Tebow Foundation's 11th Annual Night to Shine event. Former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow founded Night to Shine in 2015 to center on celebrating, honoring and valuing people with special needs.

Held on one night, always the Friday before Valentine's Day, his Tim Tebow Foundation partners with local churches, providing support and resources to host a cost-free prom honoring individuals living with disability in their local communities. Anyone ages 14 and older is welcome to attend, where attendees enjoy a fun-packed evening that includes: a red carpet with paparazzi, hair and makeup stations, shoeshines, limousine rides, karaoke, gifts, a catered dinner, a Sensory Room, a Respite Room for parents and caregivers, and loads of dancing.

At its founding, Night to Shine was held solely in the United States at 44 different locations. Now in its eleventh year, Night to Shine has grown to 821 host churches in all 50 states—and has continued to expand internationally. This year, 62 countries worldwide hosted Night to Shine celebrations. Tebow celebrated this year's Night to Shine in Thailand and Vietnam, while his wife Together with his wife, Demi-Leigh Tebow, celebrated in her home country of South Africa.

“It was so awesome seeing Night to Shine in new countries this year—and to have the honor of celebrating in Vietnam for the first time!" Tebow tells Upworthy.

red carpet, tim tebow, night to shineRed carpet at Tim Tebow Foundation's Night to Shine.Jensen Sutta

Night to Shine's international presence expanded to several new countries for the 2025 celebration, including:

"What an unforgettable night at Night to Shine in Cape Town!" Demi-Leigh Tebow tells Upworthy. "This event means so much to me for so many reasons. Some of you may know that my little sister, Franje, was born with special needs, and learning about Night to Shine back in 2018 was actually how I met Tim!"

Currently expecting the couple's first child, Demi-Leigh Tebow will be a mom at next year's celebration—something she's eagerly awaiting.

"Since then, I’ve been incredibly blessed to meet countless Kings and Queens from all over the world—each one so valuable and deeply loved by God. But getting to celebrate this night in my home country was incredibly special. My heart is so full and I’m already looking forward to doing it all again next year!” she says.

demi leigh tebow, tim tebow, night to shineDemi -Leigh Tebow at Night to Shine 2024 in South Africa.The Tebow Group

After a night full of partying, Night to Shine concludes with a 'crowning' of the Kings and Queens with crowns and tiaras to signify a declaration of worth and love. "We crown every Night to Shine honored guest the King or Queen because that's how God sees them," Tebow wrote in an Instagram video montage of this year's crowning's.

In another post, he added, "For many, it's the first they've ever felt truly celebrated, especially by someone outside their family. But that's exactly why Night to Shine exists--to remind them that they are God's beloved royalty, seen and cherished by Him every single day."

Tebow's goal is to have Night to Shine in every country. Next year, Night to Shine will be held on Feb. 13, 2026. If you are interest in hosting a Night to Shine event in 2026, you can find more information here.

"Lord willing, we won’t stop until every person with special needs knows their worth—until the abandoned are embraced, the forgotten are celebrated, the overlooked are seen, and all people experience the radical love of Jesus," Tebow tells Upworthy.

@callmebelly/TikTok

An excellent reminder to show kindness and patience.

Listening to a baby cry during a flight might be aggravating, but it’s nothing compared to the moans, groans, and eyerolls that the baby's parents must endure from other passengers when it happens. No matter what tips and tricks are used to try to soothe a little one’s temperament while 30,000 miles in the air, crying is almost inevitable. So, while having to ease their own child’s anxiety, moms and dads also must suffer being the pariah of the trip. What a nightmare.

Recently, one mom was apparently trying so hard to avoid upsetting her fellow flight members that she went above and beyond to essentially apologize ahead of time if her baby began to cry on its first flight. It was a gesture that, while thoughtful, had folks really feeling for how stressed that poor mom must be.

In a clip posted to his TikTok, one of the passengers—Elliot—explained that the mom handed out small care packages to those nearby.

“She’s already so busy and took the time to make these bags for everyone,” Elliot said, before panning the camera to reveal a Ziplock bag full of candy, along with a note that made him “want to cry.”

The note read: “It’s my first flight. I made a deal to be on my best behaviour—but I can’t make any guarantees. I might cry if I get scared or if my ears start to hurt. Here are some treats to make your flight enjoyable. Thank you for being patient with us. Have a great flight.”

Like Elliot, those who watched the video felt some ambivalence at the well intentioned act. Many felt remorse that she would feel the need to appease people in this way.

“This is so sweet but also … kind of breaks my heart that we live in a world in which parents feel the need to do that.”

“Because jerk people have shamed parents into believing that they need to apologize for their kids' absolutely normal behavior. What a gem of a mom.”

“You know that sweet mom worried about this trip so much.”

“That poor mom probably spent nights awake … nervous about that flight, thinking of ways to keep strangers happy.”

"That's a mom trying so hard."

Many rallied behind the mom, arguing that making others feel more comfortable with her child being on board was in no way her responsibility.

“No mom should be apologizing. Adults can control their emotions … babies not …. Hugging this mom from a distance.”

“Dear new parents: no you don’t have to do this. Your babies have the right to exist. We all know babies cry. We know you try your best.”

Luckily, there are just as many stories of fellow passengers being completely compassionate towards parents with small children—from simply choosing to throw on their headphones during a tantrum (instead of throwing one themselves) to going out of their way to comfort a baby (and taking the load of a parent in the process). These little acts of kindness make more of an impact than we probably realize. Perhaps if we incorporated more of this “it takes a village” mindset, flying could be a little bit more pleasant for everyone involved.

Parenting

3 things I learned from my kid's ADHD therapy that every parent needs to know

Parent Child Interaction Therapy was the ultimate crash course in parenting a stubborn child.

Unsplash and Evan Porter/Upworthy

Learning more means doing better for everyone.

We knew our now 4-year-old daughter was different very early on in her life. On her first birthday, she had another 1-year-old friend over to play in the backyard (it was COVID times, so there was no big party with all of her daycare friends). The boy, a neighbor of ours, sat and played in the baby pool for a solid hour without moving or making much of a peep. Our daughter, meanwhile, stripped off her swim diaper and spent the entire afternoon wandering around the yard, rolling in grass, swinging sticks around, and generally making mayhem. Making mayhem pretty much became her norm for the next few years. She slept poorly, had multiple meltdowns every day, and was so defiant my wife and I were left completely exasperated and in tears most days.

It wasn’t too long before we started to look into parenting coaching to get a grip on her behavior and regain some sense of normalcy in our lives. The stuff that had worked with our older daughter had been a colossal failure thus far. I loved our parenting coach and her ideas. Talking to her was almost like therapy for us. But her techniques didn’t work either. Then we tried Occupational Therapy. Our daughter loved going because she got to climb around on obstacle courses and play fun games that were meant to work on her vestibular system and help her feel more calm and grounded, but we never saw much of a difference in her.

gif of a a tired man falling to the floorWe were exhausted.Giphy

Finally, we took the plunge and did a full-scale psychiatric evaluation, and the results showed that she had ADHD. It confirmed what we pretty much already knew. We thought we’d be going down the medication road sooner than later, but our doctor actually recommended a specific kind of therapy. It was called PCIT.

Parent Child Interaction Therapy promised to ‘train’ us on how to better interact with our daughter. Great, more parenting coaching, we thought. Another person to tell us that we need to be more consistent, apply more discipline, and yadda yadda yadda. But we didn’t have any other options, so we gave it a try.

In short, and to our complete surprise, PCIT has been a life-changer. When it was described to us as coaching or training, they really weren’t kidding. We spent several sessions in the office with our daughter while literally being observed with a camera and fed lines through a headset! As of this writing, we’ve been practicing the techniques for several months and we’ve seen a big difference. At so many points throughout the therapy, my wife and I agreed that all parents with stubborn kids should go through this program.

Here are just a few of the things we learned that helped us immediately in our daily life with a super defiant, too-smart-for-her-own-good, highly dysregulated kiddo.

1. The magic of 'Special Time'

boy playing with  blocks on white wooden table Photo by Ryan Fields on Unsplash

Our first task in PCIT was to have more positive interactions with our daughter. We spent so much of our time telling her, "No," reprimanding her, arguing, bargaining, negotiating, and punishing that it was making it really hard to take any joy in being her parent.

So, our therapist introduced us to a concept called Special Time. For just five minutes every day, we were instructed to give our daughter our undivided attention and fill her with as much positive energy as possible. There were extremely specific ways that we did this, and, in fact, we even practiced and were measured in the therapy setting on how well we implemented all the techniques! But during Special Time, we play with our daughter one-on-one and let her lead the interaction. Our job is to play along. Meanwhile, we shower her with praise (“Wow, I love how nicely you’re sharing the toys with me!”), touch or speak to her affectionately (“I’m having so much fun playing with you”), imitate the way she played and even echo things she said back to her to let her know she was being heard and listened to. Doing Special Time made a huge difference, almost immediately, in reducing her negative attention seeking behaviors.

And we always feel good at the end of it, which helps offset the stress and frustration of our many conflicts. If you’ve got a kid that sometimes acts out for attention, pre-emptively giving them lots and lots of positive attention might help.

2. The Time Out flow chart

I think a lot of parents can relate when I say that, for years, we found implementing punishments with our daughter to be a disaster most of the time. With a stubborn and dysregulated kid, doing things like taking a toy away or doing 'No Dessert' would almost always cause an explosion, and/or end up hurting us more than it hurt her.

A lot of parenting experts have their own approach to Time Out, but not many of them are clinically validated like the one used in PCIT. When we learned how to do Time Out properly, Time Out became the primary 'punishment' we use. When she doesn't do what we clearly ask her to do, or she breaks a House Rule (like 'No Hitting'), she goes into Time Out. Once she's ready to do the thing we asked, she can come out of Time Out and the conflict is over. She can go right back to playing or having dessert. It’s so much simpler.

Although, when I first saw the flow chart for how Time Out worked, it looked like anything but simple.

a flow chart about how to handle Time Out in PCITIt looks complicated at first, but it's actually simpler and more effective than we thought.Evan Porter/Upworthy

Seeing this flow chart at first was incredibly overwhelming! But with a little practice, it made sense. The first couple times using the Time Out sequence at home were a little rough, but after a little while of being consistent with it, just the threat of it is usually enough to get our daughter back on the right track.

Even if you don't follow the brain-dizzying flow chart above, I think all parents could benefit from learning a consistent Time Out sequence that ends with your child complying every single time without fail. It's tough! Sometimes it takes a while and you have to be a little stubborn yourself in order to see it all the way through to the end, but the investment is worth it.

3. Active Ignoring

This one is a little controversial in some circles but we found it to be an excellent tool to have in our toolbox. Our therapist even told us that if she could teach her patients just one thing, it would be how and when to use Active Ignoring or Selective Attention.

A handout from UC Davis describes this technique as: "We use Selective Attention to deal with behaviors that are minor, irritating, and inappropriate. Ignoring these behaviors is an active way to correct them! You will strategically use the technique to stop specific behaviors," like whining, sulking, screaming, being clingy, lying, and more. The idea is that these behaviors are attention-seeking so any kind of attention only fans the flames and rewards them.

gif of a woman trying to get a man's attentionSometimes being unbothered works.Giphy

When our daughter is fussy, irritated, and whiny, we first try to help her regulate. One of the best ways we learned to do this (again, through PCIT!) is with leading by example. We used to bombard her with calming options. “Want to color? Want a snack? Oh, let’s walk outside! How about a drink of water? What if we put on some music?” And of course she would just say No, No, No!!!! And then we’d wonder why we could never get her to calm down by coloring. It turns out that sometimes what works way better, and is less overwhelming for her, is if we just calmly get out all the supplies and start coloring ourselves. She’ll almost always join in when she’s ready.

But if we just can't shake the grumpiness and whining and tantrums, we'll turn to Active Ignoring. This approach has two big benefits. Number one, it stops the conflict from escalating further. We used to get into these cycles where everything we would try to say or do would just make the tantrums worse to the point they became full-blown nuclear explosions. By just walking away, we were able to nip a lot of those in the bud. Number two, ignoring helps keep us calm. Yes, parents are human beings that get frustrated and angry and upset, too! And when those emotions start to pile up, it makes everything worse. Having the freedom to just turn away or walk away or stop talking has done wonders for our mental health.

Sometimes, some of the techniques we've learned in therapy feel "mean." We're not able to be as flexible and gentle sometimes as we'd like to do, but that's because flexible and gentle is not what our daughter needs most of the time. She needs us to be strong and consistent. That makes us reliable and safe, and it helps keep her regulated. The techniques taught in PCIT won't be right for every kid or every family, but it was right for us.

I was as skeptical going into all of this as anyone, but going through the therapy has allowed us to enjoy being her parents so much more. She's the sweetest kid and one of the funniest people on the planet. She brings so much fun and laughter to our lives, and it's been absolutely amazing to spend less time butting heads with her and more time soaking in her incredible energy.

Image credit: Cinema Therapy/YouTube

Mother Gothel's gaslighting of Rapunzel badly messed with her head.

If you've never been a victim of serious gaslighting, count yourself fortunate. Few experiences are as confusing and disturbing as a narcissist making you doubt your reality, question your judgment, and believe you can't trust your own mind. Gaslighting messes with you psychologically, making you feel more and more dependent on the gaslighter, but all the while what they're doing is giving you their own version of reality.

For a perfect example of what gaslighting looks like, look no further than Mother Gothel, Rapunzel's mom (but not really) in "Tangled." In a popular episode of Cinema Therapy, licensed therapist Jonathan Decker and filmmaker Alan Seawright give examples of how Gothel gaslights Rapunzel throughout the film. Going through a list of 11 red flags of gaslighting from psychologist Dr. Stephanie Sarkis from psychologist Dr. Stephanie Sarkis, they explain how Mother Gothel hits the mark on each one.

Gothel may be an extreme case, but seeing examples from a well-known character helps us to see how these tactics might play out in a relationship in real life. "Her whole strategy is to get Rapunzel to question her own sanity, her own reason, her own judgment," says Decker, and that's exactly what gaslighting does to victims.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Here are 11 tactics gaslighters use and how Mother Gothel exemplifies them.

1. Telling blatant lies.

From the get go, we see Mother Gothel telling Rapunzel things that are just objectively not true. For example, she greatly exaggerates the dangers of the outside world in the song "Mother Knows Best."

"Mother Gothel is constantly lying to Rapunzel, telling her she's worthless, telling her she can't do things, belittling her, making her feel like less than, like she won't be able to survive outside," says Seawright.

2. Denying that they lie, even if you have proof.

Gothel tells Rapunzel that she'll be able to leave the tower once she's old enough, smart enough, mature enough, but every time Rapunzel tries to bring it up, she puts her off. Ultimately, though, Gothel pronounces, "You are not leaving this tower, ever!" And Rapunzel isn't allowed to argue.

3. They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition.

"They will tell you'd be a worthy person if only you didn't have a long list of negative traits," writes Sarkis." They attack the very foundation of your being." Decker demonstrates how in "Mother Knows Best" Mother Gothel decimates Rapunzel's looks, intelligence, character—basically everything about her. Look how she describes Rapunzel in the song: "Sloppy, underdressed, immature, clumsy…gullible, naive, positively grubby, ditzy and a bit vague…plus, I believe, gettin' kind of chubby."

4. They wear you down over time.

Rapunzel has spent her entire life in a tower with no one to talk to but Mother Gothel, being fed nothing but Gothel's version of reality. "So no wonder when she actually leaves the tower she goes a little bonkers and questions her own sanity, her own reason, her own judgment," says Decker.

5. Their actions don't match their words.

Mother Gothel regularly tells Rapunzel that she loves her the most. "But what she actually means is 'I love controlling you the most,'" says Seawright. "She won't let her be reunited with her real family, and she keeps her from experiencing real love."

6. They use positive reinforcement to confuse you.

Few people would stay with a person who mistreated them all the time, so gaslighters mix it up with praise and love bombs. "The very person who is attacking you, just ripping into your identity, is now the person who's praising you, building you up. And it's confusing as heck." Mother Gothel will butter up and praise Rapunzel when it serves her, and then turn around and berate her.

7. They know that confusion weakens people.

"Our natural tendency is to try to find a person that makes us feel the most stable," says Seawright. "And in this case when it's the gaslighter, you're pretty much out of luck." He uses the example of when Rapunzel wants to go see the lanterns, not knowing what they are, and Mother Gothel says she's just talking about the stars. That and the "Mother Knows Best" song are meant to confuse and make her feel like she can't trust her own judgment so that she remains completely reliant upon Gothel.

8. They project.

Seawright points out that when she's denigrating Rapunzel in "Mother Knows Best," it's actually concerns about herself that she's just projecting onto Rapunzel. Gaslighters will often accuse you of things they are doing, which makes you feel like you need to defend yourself even if you didn't do anything wrong.

9. They try to turn people against you.

Mother Gothel didn't have direct access to Flynn Rider, so she couldn't really try to turn him against Rapunzel. Instead, she sweet-talked and convinced the Stabbington Brothers to help her with her diabolical plan to get Rapunzel back into her grip. She may not have gotten to Flynn, but she made Rapunzel believe that he had turned against her, which is good enough.

10. They paint you or others as crazy.

Sarkis calls this a gaslighter's "master technique." If they can get you to question your own sanity, it's less likely that others will believe you. Mother Gothel is constantly telling Rapunzel that she can't trust her own mind. ("Rapunzel, that's demented," she says dismissively when Rapunzel thinks Flynn likes her, which he does.)

11. They say everyone else is lying.

A gaslighter will tell you that people are talking about you or show you a text taken out of context to make it appear that other people can't be trusted and make you believe that no one is on your side but them. "They tell you, 'everyone else is a liar,'" says Seawright. "It makes people turn to the gaslighter for the correct information, which of course, isn’t correct information at all."

Thankfully, Rapunzel starts to figure out what Mother Gothel is doing when she makes it seem like Flynn has betrayed her.

Unfortunately, recovering from an entire childhood of narcissist gaslighting takes more time than the end of a Disney film to recover from, but such is the limitation of a children's film. Decker concludes the episode by sharing tips for dealing with gaslighting in real life, though—definitely worth checking out.

Find more analysis of movies, characters, and mental health on the Cinema Therapy channel on YouTube.