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Mom shares the hard truth about men who want kids versus those who want to be fathers

There's a huge difference between the two.

via Canva/Photos

A lazy dad versus an attentive father.

Many men say they want kids, but does that mean they also want to take on the full responsibilities of being a father? That’s the big question at the crux of a recent viral TikTok post that everyone who wants kids with a man should consider. The question has traditionally been, “Does he want kids?” but Abby Eckel thinks we must dig deeper.

Abby Eckel is a social media influencer and blogger who discusses women’s rights, focusing on equal division of labor in the home. In her video, she breaks down the differences between the 2 types of men. “Men are taught to want kids, but not how to be dads. There are lots of men that want to have kids. There are fewer men that want to be dads, and it's really important, as women, that we discern between the two, because they're not the same,” Eckel says.

What’s the difference between being a dad and being a father?

“A man that wants kids, he's thinking legacy. He's thinking caring on the family name, having little mini-me's running around, having kids running around, the milestones, the highlight reel,” Eckel continues. “Very few men though, when they think about, ‘I want to be a father’, are they thinking about the daily grind task, the midnight feedings, the diaper changes, the to and from of the inevitable sports that they'll play.”

@abbyeckel
I cannot emphasize these differences enough.

Eckels question is fundamental because if someone mistakes a man saying “I want kids” with “I want to be a father,” they may unwittingly sign themselves up as the default parent in a relationship. They will have to assume the mental load of parenting because dad fails to take any initiative. In this arrangement, the dad simply becomes someone who plays with the kids on occasion and has to be told what to do. This places the default parent in a position where it’s nearly impossible not to develop some resentment for their spouse.

On the other hand, a man who wants to be a father will be proactive and an equal partner in parenting duties.

Eckel believes that a big reason why some men fail to step up and become fathers is because they weren’t taught to be nurturing as children. “We bombard boys with messages about being providers, protectors. But when's the last time you actually saw a boy being taught how to nurture? How many young male babysitters do you have on your roster? I don't have any. How many little boys do you see walking around with a baby doll, feeding her, changing her diaper?” she asked.

The post resonated with many of Eckel’s followers, who think there are a lot of men out there who aren’t stepping up and taking responsibility. “Same for being married. Do they just want a wife, or do they want to BE a husband,” Dana wrote. “Being a Father and being a Dad are 2 different things. Your father is the person who helped create you, your dad is the man who helped raise you. They're not always the same person,” Izzie added.

“If you really want to see how a family acts, go to any theme park and watch a family of three or more. You can see just how much the mother goes through in a day with the kids while the father eats snacks,” Athena commented.

Ultimately, Eckel says the difference between a dad and a father is someone who takes initiative. “So, before you have kids with a man, watch how they handle responsibility. Do they take initiative on things, or are they always sitting back waiting for you to tell them what to do? Do they notice what needs to be done without being asked?” she explained.

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Pop Culture

Watch Lucille Ball repeatedly tell a host to take his hands off female audience members

People laughed every time she told him 'hands off,' but she was stone cold serious.

CBS Television (Public Domain)

Lucille Ball was a powerhouse both on screen and off.

According to her daughter, Lucille Ball never considered herself a feminist, but there's no question she blazed many a trail for women. A working mother in real life, she depicted issues facing housewives with her brilliant television comedy and became the first female studio head in Hollywood. She broke glass ceilings but wasn't particularly outspoken about women's rights. In fact, in a 1980 interview with "People," she said, “They can use my name for equal rights, but I don’t get out there and raise hell because I’ve been so liberated, I have nothing to squawk about.”

Ball empowered women by example—and by speaking her mind. Carol Burnett shared a story on PBS about how Ball was unhappy with a script for her new show, but women at that time didn't raise concerns about such things. Men could express criticism and demand changes, but women simply didn't. Ball did—and firmly—despite being non-confrontational by nature. Later she told Burnett, "Kid, that's when they put the 's' at the end of my name."

A video has been circulating on social media showing Ball's no-nonsense way of speaking up when she felt the need to, and people are gushing over it.

In 1978, Ball participated in a Q & A session with UCLA theater arts students on the television program "America Alive!" The viral clip shows Ball repeatedly telling one of the hosts, David Sheehan, to take his hands off of female audience members when they were asking a question.

Watch:

@femalequotient
We love Lucy ❤️

People laughed every time, but Ball didn't so much as crack a smile during her clear, simple, repeated "hands off" admonitions. For 1978 especially, her advocacy for the women in the audience was extraordinary. Sheehan wasn't touching these women in a lewd or sexual manner, but he was touching them in a way that he wouldn't have touched a man who was asking a question. Most people wouldn't have thought much of it at the time, but Lucille Ball immediately noted it and didn't let it stand.

"I love that she didn't even laugh when the room was," shared one commenter. "She was not joking."

"'Take your hands off her, David,' should be a sound AND a t-shirt," wrote another.

"He kept trying. She kept telling him. Love her," shared another.

"Lucille Ball always reminds me of my grandma," offered another. "She hated to be seen as delicate, and she hated men that would touch her even more. She would say, stone-faced, 'Get your paws off.'"

Even if Sheehan was casually touching those women out of habit and not ill intent, it's laudable that Ball made a point of making him aware of it. Unfortunately, women are still having to deal with men touching them without being invited to, but seeing Lucille Ball's serious face while calling it out is a good reminder that women have been fighting this battle for a long time. Good for her for using her microphone and the respect afforded her to speak up for the young women in her audience.

This article originally appeared on 5.15.24

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Health

Follow Bill Nye’s lead and use science to quiet pro-lifers

“Be objective about this. We have other problems to solve, everybody.”

via Gage Skidmore/Flickr

Bill Nye "The Science Guy"

With Donald Trump threatening to reverse Roe v. Wade upon taking office, the need to defend women's reproductive rights has never been more urgent. As other writers have pointed out, pro-life fanatics have the power of positive connotation on their side and use this advantage to demean the valid arguments of pro-choice advocates.

I mean, who would ever claim to be in opposition to life? Only, equating zygotes with adult human beings fails to recognize the science behind conception, as Bill Nye points out in an older video that has recently gained new relevancy.

In the video, you can see how frustrated Nye is explaining why abortion rights aren't something we should be debating in the first place. After a brief explanation of how conception occurs, the science educator proves how little our laws have to do with reason or logic.

"You cannot help but notice — and I'm not the first guy to notice — you have a lot of men of European descent passing these extraordinary laws based on ignorance," he says, adding, "It's just a reflection of a deep scientific lack of understanding and you literally apparently don't know what you're talking about." We can only imagine how frustrated he — along with every other advocate of logic — must be feeling now.

While anti-abortion zealots aren't typically eager to consider science or reason, this video could potentially sway those who are on the fence about impeding on women's rights. And while it shouldn't take a white guy to explain why women's rights are human rights, sadly, few people seem to listen when the plea for respect comes from women — despite the fact that these draconian laws only affect them.

Still, Nye and other logic-lovers are willing to hear you out, pro-lifers. If the argument truly comes down to protecting children and not depriving women of basic rights, there are several discussions worth having. For instance, instead of focusing on the rights of unborn babies, perhaps we could put our resources into protecting the children that already exist. We take it for granted that real, live children don't enjoy the same human rights that adults do — an archaic way of thinking that time and time again puts kids in harm's way. By actively fueling global warming, we deprive today's children from having any semblance of a dependable future.

Now, more than ever, it's imperative that we focus on the facts. By relying on scientific evidence to guide a course of action, we can respect one another's beliefs without infringing on one another's rights. It's really not that hard. Take it from The Science Guy himself: "Be objective about this. We have other problems to solve, everybody."

This article originally appeared on 11.23.16

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Pop Culture

Baby Boomers admit these 17 things are better than when they were young

Life has improved drastically in countless ways.

via Canva

A man in his 70s reading a book.

As people age, they long for the “good ol’ days,” when allegedly people worked harder, the world was safer, and everyone was kind and prosperous. However, the notion that somehow life in America was so much better in the past is more of a psychological trick than reality.

The idea that everything was better in the past, whether that means the ‘90s, ‘70s, or ‘50s, is the product of a cognitive bias known by psychologists as rosy retrospection. “It happens because when we think about the past, we are more likely to think about people, events, places, and things in the abstract,” Mark Travers, Ph.D., writes in Psychology Today. “And, when we think about things in the abstract, we are more likely to focus on positive generalities than the nitty-gritty and sometimes gory details.”

One of the biggest misunderstandings people have when comparing today to the past is the idea that crime is much worse now than it was in previous decades. However, crime statistics show that the violent crime rate in the U.S. is about the same in 2024 as it was in the 1960s, and the country is much safer today than it was in the ‘70s through the mid-1990s when crime was at its peak.

A Redditor asked the AskOldPeople subforum for people to share “something most people don’t realize has improved from when you were young,” people born in 1980 or after shared how the world has drastically improved since then. Many respondents were in their 60s and 70s and were part of the Baby Boomer generation. Many responses were about how people are much more tolerant than they used to be and products and services are far superior. Plus, you aren't bombarded by cigarette smoke wherever you go.

Here are 17 things Boomers and Gen Xers say have improved since their youth.

1. Cars are a lot safer

"Reliability of almost every car component. And then the reliability of the entire car improved astronomically. I’m 61."

"Agree. I saw a post where someone was complaining about engine repair on a car with "only 150k miles" on it. Back in the day cars barely made it to 100k. Dad would trade cars at 75k miles."

2. Long-distance calls were expensive

"Long-distance phone calls were so expensive, and now, with wifi, we can video chat around the world for free."

"I remember you didn't even need to call that far away to get hit with long-distance charges. People waited until evening time to call family members the next county over to avoid outrageous fees."

3. Fruit and vegetables

"The availability of fresh fruit and vegetables. I'm 74, and worked in the grocery business starting at age 13. In my youth, there were only a few months of the year when fresh fruits and vegetables were both available and affordable. I can remember working in the store and by October if we could get lettuce at all it came in half spoiled and I'd have to go through a crate of the stuff ripping or cutting off all the spoiled areas to get an end product that was only half or a third of the original head. I can remember marking down fresh green beans by a LOT, because the customer would have to go through pounds of the stuff to get enough for dinner for Then there was corn on the cob, having to strip off the shucks, cutting off the bad parts, then putting the remainder out on deep discount. Come Thanksgiving each year, we'd get a shipment from somewhere, probably California or similar, of actual fresh apples and oranges in prime condition. But they'd be so expensive that only people making more money than most could afford to buy the darn things. They'd go for as much as $1 apiece, which adjusted for inflation would be about $13 now."

4. Sex education

"Information about sex is much more available than it used to be. I'm not talking about porn and internet chatter, but solid information from reputable sources."

"When I was in school in the '50s, the idea that schools would offer sex education was unacceptable to almost every parent, left or right. It wasn't mentioned. Teen pregnancy rates were much higher than they are now."

5. Cancer treatment

"When I was little, nobody said the 'c' word, because it was a death sentence. When I was a young mother, getting it a second time meant you lost the battle. Now I’m in my 60s and a quarter of my friends are survivors. I know people who had stage 4 (metastasized cancer) 10 years ago and no trace now. I know people living with stage 4 cancer in them for years."

6. Closed captioning

"I'm deaf and hard-of-hearing. We didn't get closed captions on our TV t'il the mid-90s. Before that, you needed to buy a separate thing to attach to your TV. And now, every TV has them. Every streaming service. The only time closed captions aren't on in our living room is when my husband is watching sports. Because I don't watch them and the live captions are disruptive to him."

7. Women's treatment in the workplace

"I don’t know if women realize how much better things have gotten in the workplace. I was in the military 1993-99, and what would be causing harassment lawsuits today was just part of the job. Also, just part of the job was the idea that as a woman in a male-dominated field, not only did you have to be better than most at your job, you also didn’t complain."

8. Smoking

"I worked in a grocery store back in the day. One of the closing jobs was emptying the ashtrays at the end of each aisle."

"By everywhere, I mean everywhere. Your house, your friend’s house, the doctor’s office, school, everywhere."

9. Banking

"Having access to your money before there was online banking, ATMs, and apps such as Paypal and Venmo. Before the 80s, you had to get to the bank by a certain time to make a withdrawal or you were screwed. I got paid on Fridays and had to rush to the bank and wait in line to cash my check. I think they were open a little late on Fridays and Wednesdays. Saturdays they closed at noon and Sundays they were just closed. It was a real pain in the ass. One time the company I worked for was late giving us our checks and I didn’t make it to the bank on time, so I didn’t have much food in the house that weekend. BTW, they were paper checks. There was no direct deposit!"

10. Microwaves

"You have no idea what a breakthrough microwave ovens were. Frozen meals (what we used to call TV Dinners) could take up to 40 minutes to thaw, heat up in the oven, then cool down enough to eat. To prepare the most convenient form of popcorn there was, 'Jiffy Pop,' you had to stand at a stove and continuously shake it over one of the burners for about ten minutes. Heating up leftovers was a production; leftover pizza was generally eaten cold."

11. Crime is better

"Crime rates are waaaaay down."

"God yes. The 70s, 80s, and 90s were awful."

12. LGBTQ acceptance

"Definitely people’s feelings towards being gay. I remember how taboo it was in the 90s. Now I easily tell people I’m a lesbian and it barely moves any kind of needle. Other than some small weird enclaves, it’s been largely normalized."

13. Pollution

"Air pollution in cities. It’s still bad but you can’t imagine how bad it was in the '60s and '70s."

14. Racism

"As hard as we fight to reduce it today, racism is far less of problem than it ever was 50 years ago or even 30. The racists are louder than they used to be but that's because they're being squeezed harder. They march in the streets and say, you will not replace us, but we are doing it slowly and steadily."

15. Deliveries

"In the 70s and 80s you had to tear out the order form in the back of the catalogue, fill it out with your order, include a check (credit cards were rarer, and women weren't allowed to have one in their name for a long time), stick it in an envelope, get a stamp, drop it off in a mailbox, wait for them to get it, fill it and send it to you.... and you had no clue if they received the order, when it would arrive. It could take up to a month to get your order, so people also didn't buy things on a whim."

16. Mental health

"Mental health and talking about our mental struggles, depression, anxiety, etc. That wasn't a thing when I was younger.

I am 60 now. I really think it all began with Oprah. She sort of opened the door by having guests on her show address these issues."

17. Everything

"Almost everything. Seriously the perception that things are terrible now and everything was better 'before' is just crap."

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Heroes

Woman turns creepy text from Jiffy Lube guy into incredible 'teaching moment'

Brilliant

There's not a woman alive who hasn't suffered through an unwanted come-on from a creep.

Some women are so afraid of these encounters they feel they can't be as nice to men as they'd like, for fear their friendliness will be mistaken for flirtation.

One woman's encounter with a creepy come-on has received over 110,000 likes on Twitter because of her flawless response.

Twitter user @LovableAndKind recently shared screenshots from a text exchange between her sister and a Jiffy Lube employee who found her phone number and sent her an unsolicited text.

The woman received a text from an unfamiliar number that read: “You are gorgeous." When she asked who it was he responded, “Your favorite oil change guy."

The woman could have responded with anger or ignored the creep and blocked him, but instead she decided to create a teachable moment.

“While I know you were wanting to give me a compliment, it was completely unnecessary and unsolicited," she replied. “I am a customer, you are a service provider, and there should be no communication outside of that unless I, the customer, express interest."

She then explained why his text was so violating.

“It is a violation of my privacy for you to contact me from your personal phone with information that you got without my permission," she continued.

“And now I know that you are the type of person to go back in someone's file to find their personal information, what is to keep you from going back and getting my address? There are men who stalk, rape and murder women this way."

She then wrote that she could call Jiffy Lube human resources to report his actions, but she'd rather he learned from the incident.

“Sorry about that yes ma'am," he responded.

Then she hit him back with one final diss.

“Oh, and you didn't tell me what the tire pressure was on the rear passenger tire like I asked, so you're definitely not even in my top five favorite oil change guys," she wrote.

Here's the entire exchange.

This article originally appeared on 08.09.19

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Pop Culture

Lily Allen's joke about her kids 'ruining' her career is a spot-on comment about motherhood

No, most women can't "have it all."

Canva, Raph_PH/Wikipedia

Lily Allen shared how her kids "ruined" her career. She is not alone.

“You can have it all.”

This has been a post-3rd wave feminism promise sworn to women. That you can have a big family, a high achieving career, a fulfilling relationship, a never-ending sense of purpose, no bad hair days, healthy lunches that make themselves, and so on and so on.

But many, many women will quickly dispel that myth. There is still measurable inequality between men and women when it comes to being able to advance in their careers and have children. Even the ones who do seem to “have it all” are the exception to the rule, and likely have sacrificed other aspects of their identity.

That goes for pop stars too, apparently. While appearing on an episode of the Radio Times Podcast, British singer Lily Allen spoke candidly about her own experience of not being able to move up in the music industry after becoming a mom.

Allen shot to prominence in 2006 thanks to her hit song “Smile.” Only two years later, she earned a nomination for best alternative music album at the 2008 Grammy Awards for debut album, "Alright Still.”

But instead, Allen followed in the footsteps of celebrities like Rick Moranis, and chose to focus on her children.

"Some people choose their career over their children, and that’s their prerogative," she explained. "My parents were quite absent when I was a kid, and I feel like that really left some nasty scars that I'm not willing to repeat on mine. I’m glad that I have done that, because I think they’re pretty well-rounded people.”

In other words: “My children ruined my career,” she joked, before adding “I love them and they complete me, but in terms of pop stardom, totally ruined it.”

Though Allen has no regrets, she brought up the story to address how unrealistic it is for most women to be able to do both, and being told otherwise by society is less-than-empowering.

"It really annoys me when people say you can have it all, because — quite frankly — you can’t."

Between pay inequality, difference in work life balance, corporate attitudes towards pregnancy leave, and already being less likely to advance than their male counterparts even without the factor of children (not to mention the world not fully being set up for two working parents with zero community support) it feels safe to assume that Allen is touching on something fairly universal here.

Though her pop star chapter might have reached a close, Allen seems to still be living a pretty cool life— from her swanky New York apartment with David Harbour to winning awards for her stage acting. So though she might not “have it all,” she certainly has some pretty cool things going for her.

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CARE

Identity

Celebrate International Women's Day with these stunning photos of female leaders changing the world

The portraits, taken by acclaimed photographer Nigel Barker, are part of CARE's "She Leads the World" campaign.

Images provided by CARE

Kadiatu (left), Zainab (right)

True

Women are breaking down barriers every day. They are transforming the world into a more equitable place with every scientific discovery, athletic feat, social justice reform, artistic endeavor, leadership role, and community outreach project.

And while these breakthroughs are happening all the time, International Women’s Day (Mar 8) is when we can all take time to acknowledge the collective progress, and celebrate how “She Leads the World.”

This year, CARE, a leading global humanitarian organization dedicated to empowering women and girls, is celebrating International Women’s Day through the power of portraiture. CARE partnered with high-profile photographer Nigel Barker, best known for his work on “America’s Next Top Model,” to capture breathtaking images of seven remarkable women who have prevailed over countless obstacles to become leaders within their communities.

“Mabinty, Isatu, Adama, and Kadiatu represent so many women around the world overcoming incredible obstacles to lead their communities,” said Michelle Nunn, President and CEO of CARE USA.

Barker’s bold portraits, as part of CARE’s “She Leads The World” campaign, not only elevate each woman’s story, but also shine a spotlight on how CARE programs helped them get to where they are today.

About the women:

Mabinty