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Wellness

Everyone should know this international hand signal for 'Help Me'

Knowing this discreet-but-distinct hand signal could save a life.

Image via YouTube/Canadian Women's Foundation

One of the scariest things about being trapped in a situation with a dangerous person is how many people don't notice. Abusers, kidnappers, traffickers, and the like often monitor and control a person so tightly that asking for help seems impossible.

There are countless stories of people managing to slip someone a note saying they need help or signaling in some other way that they're in an unsafe situation. Wouldn't it be great if there was a way that they could quickly, yet discreetly, alert people that they were in trouble without flagging the person putting them in danger?

There is. It's the international signal for help, and it's going viral for all the right reasons.

A video shared by Indian restauranter Harjinder Singh Kukreja shows several scenarios in which a person needs help and signals with a simple hand gesture we all need to learn to recognize—or if necessary, use ourselves.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

In the video, a woman on a balcony, a man at the door during a delivery, and a girl walking down a hallway with a man all give the signal without their abuser knowing.

The Signal for Help campaign was launchedby the Canadian Women's Foundation last April, and has gained traction around the world thanks to the reach of partners such as the Women's Funding Network, the world's largest philanthropic network for girls and women. With the coronavirus pandemic getting into full swing, it was clear that people were going to be spending a lot more time on video calls and people in abusive situations were going to be spending a lot more time with their abusers. The Signal for Help initiative was a way to discreetly communicate via video call that you were in a dangerous situation without having to say a word.

As we saw in the first video, the signal is useful for more than just Zoom calls. The only issue is that this signal only works if people recognize it and know what it means. That's why people are sharing the video and encouraging others to do the same.

What's great about the signal is that it can be done discreetly. Since it only requires one hand, it's more convenient than the American Sign Language sign for "help," which requires two hands. It's simple, subtle, and swift enough to be easy to use in lots of different circumstances (as we see in the videos) but also distinct enough that those who know it will recognize it instantly. It's even something we can teach young children.

We know that domestic violence is a going concern, especially during the pandemic when people are trapped at home with their abusers. We also know that human trafficking is a billion-dollar global industry and that victims are sometimes being transported in broad daylight. The more tools we have for getting people help the better, but first we need to know when someone actually needs help.

Learning and sharing this hand sign far and wide will help spread awareness, enable more victims of violence to ask for help in a safe way, and hopefully even save lives.


This article originally appeared on 3.21.21

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Wellness

Trevor Noah brilliantly explains why men need to take responsibility for women's safety

The Daily Show with Trevor Noah/YouTube

Every human being is responsible for their own safety and well-being—in a perfect world. In the world we live in, however, where certain people are targeted because of their gender, race, or other identifying factor, we have to place the primary responsibility where it belongs. That means holding the people doing the targeting accountable, which also means enlisting those people's peers who have the power to actually make a difference.

Sarah Everard's recent disappearance and murder in the U.K., as well as the murder of seven women in a shooting spree in Georgia, has prompted a wave of discussion on harassment and violence against women around the world. On social media and TV segments, women have shared the myriad ways they try to stay safe, the precautions they take, and the enormous mental load of constantly being on guard. It's a lot. And there's only so much women can do to get to the root of the problem.

Comedian Trevor Noah explained on The Daily Show why men need to take responsibility for this issue in his brilliantly Trevor Noah way. He pointed out that March was supposed to be a time to celebrate women's history, but we haven't been able to focus on that because of what's happening in women's present.

He pointed to the high-profile murders in the news, then pointed out, "For many women, they're only the most extreme manifestation of a problem that they have to deal with every single day."

"For many women, every time they leave the house, it's a risk. And this is not something that men experience. Like, when the pandemic hit, men were like 'So just going outside is dangerous now?' And women were like 'Yeah, add it to the list.' And that risk of violence is why women are forced to constantly check up on each other to make sure that everyone gets home okay. It's become a normal part of women's routines. Get home, brush your teeth, put on some PJs, and then text your friends a picture of you holding today's newspaper to prove that you're alive."

Of course, he exaggerates for comedic effect, but the checking-in part is true. Women do that all the time. We worry about ourselves and we worry about each other.

"And the truth is," Noah added, "even if women know they will get home safely most times, they never know which is the time that they won't. Because for women, just being out in public means facing a wide array of potential threats from men."

The statistics are stunning. In a poll shared by Morning Joe, 96% of women reported being harassed on the street in the past year and 78% were followed in a way that made them feel unsafe.

Even something as seemingly simple as catcalling, which men might not think much of, is unnerving for women.

"Women never know what a catcall might lead to," Noah said, "since that person already has the audacity to start shouting at them on the street. I mean, it's like the guy at the buffet who starts grabbing rice with his bare hands. Yo, that person is clearly capable of anything."

Noah pointed out that this is why so many women wear headphones. We may not even be listening to anything—many women don't feel safe not being able to hear what's happening around them—but will walk down the street with headphones on so it's easier to pretend not to hear it if a man catcalls. Gross? Yes. But true.

"So, women basically have to tiptoe around the outside world like it's The Quiet Place, which is why they leave the house armed to the teeth in case—just in case—they get noticed by the monster."

Violence Against Women & Why It's Up to Men to Stop It | The Daily Social Distancing Showwww.youtube.com

Throughout the segment, Noah shares clips of women talking about their experiences and what they do to try to stay safe. And his reactions to them are honestly refreshing. Here's a man listening to what women are saying and looking at it through a lens of compassion and empathy.

"I never want to hear anyone talk shit about women's giant purses again," Noah said. "Like, ever again. Look at all the shit that they have to bring with them just to stay safe. They got tasers. They got mini mace sprays on their keychains. What do men have on our keychains, huh? Bottle openers. I mean, that should tell you everything you need to know."

Finally, Noah explains that the solution to the problem isn't "to load up women with weapons and gadgets like a human Swiss Army knife."

"In fact," he said, "the solution doesn't really have anything to do with women at all."

"The conversation needs to be reframed. Because this is not about what else women can do. You can't solve violence against women without addressing the men committing it."

Men may immediately respond defensively to that statement because they personally aren't out harassing, molesting, or murdering women. But as Noah pointed out, it's more complicated than that. Women don't know who is safe and who is not.

Noah said we should "be teaching the next generation of men to respect women and be aware of their experiences, and we should start them as early as possible."

"Aside from children," he added, "we have a responsibility to teach each other...as men, we should be steering this conversation to where it belongs, centered on us. Because this is our responsibility, not to be creeps, okay? So let't not make it the one thing that we don't take credit for."

Thank you, Trevor Noah, for listening, hearing, and sharing. The more men who really get it, the safer women will be.

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Wellness

Women are sharing the mental checklists they run through to navigate the world. It's a lot.

Canva, Harriet Johnson/Twitter

One day a few years ago I asked my husband what he thinks about when he goes running. "Depends," he said. "I might think about work or what I'm going to do that day or just sort of empty my mind, like a meditation."

"Do you ever think about getting raped on the running trail?" I asked. "Does it ever cross your mind?" It wasn't a confrontational question, but a curious one.

He looked surprised for a second, then shook his head. "No. Never," he said.

We sat in silence for a second as the obvious sunk in. When I run alone, I do think about that possibility. I think about it every time. I know every part of the trail that's obscured from public view, the parts where I run a little faster, where my spatial awareness is heightened. When a man runs behind me or towards me, my radar goes up. It happens automatically. I don't assume anyone is a rapist, of course, but I'm always mentally prepared for the possibility. After a million stories and a lifetime living in a woman's body, my instinct to prepare for the worst is as natural as breathing.

My husband experiences almost none of this. The possibility of being attacked and/or raped exists for him, but the risk and the fear is nowhere near the same as it is for me. He can enjoy a solo run, or walk down the street, or leave a building alone without being on guard constantly, whereas the times that I'm able to truly free my mind when I'm moving through the world by myself are few and far between.

The recent disappearance of a woman in the U.K. has prompted women to share the mental safety checklists they go through as they go about daily life, and seeing it all laid out in writing is eye-opening. Some of these things we consciously think about, and some of simply becomes second nature by adulthood. But I don't know any woman for whom this list doesn't resonate.


We know that not all men are going to attack us, so there's no need to #notallmen here. The thing is, we don't know who might. We don't know whether the guy walking behind us in the parking lot is a super sweet guy just heading to his car or a predator looking for an opportunity. We don't even know for sure which men we know might turn out to be a rapist. Most sexual assault is perpetrated by people known to the victim, and we all know women who have been violated by someone they thought they could trust. So not only do we deal with wondering whether a guy on the street is a stroller or a stalker, but we also have to be on alert with the guys we're hanging out with.

Hypervigilance is the norm for most women and it's exhausting, even for those of us who haven't been sexually assaulted. I'm extremely fortunate to have been surrounded by wonderful, quality men throughout most of my life, and I'm thankful for that. But I have known plenty of creeps as well, and if you were to ask me how many women I know who have been raped, the faces of my friends come flooding in fast.

If you're a man reading this and feeling defensive, please don't. We know it's not all men. If you're a man reading this and wondering what you can do to help, thank you for asking. Here are some things you can do to help women feel safer:

- If you're walking behind a woman, crossing the street is one way to let her know you're not purposefully following her

- If you're walking toward a woman, moving over to the opposite side of the walkway and giving her a wide berth is helpful

- As silly as it might sound, a verbal acknowledgment of your awareness of the situation can be helpful. I've had men say something like, "Just want to let you know I'm walking here behind you, but I promise I'm not following you or anything creepy!" and found it comforting.

- If a woman friend asks you to escort her somewhere, don't make her feel like she's being silly. Also, don't assume she's hitting on you.

- If you see a woman who appears to be uncomfortable with a man in a public place, you can give her a potential "out" by calling to her like you know her. Something like, "Katie! Is that you?" can be enough to let her (and the potentially problematic guy) know that you've got your eye on the situation.

- If you're out in public and a woman comes up and acts like you're a friend of hers, play along. Sometimes women will do this to get away from a creepy guy.

- Speak up when other men make sexist or inappropriate comments about women. Don't go along with the culture that allows women to be seen primarily as sexualized objects.

Let's work on making a world where women don't have to constantly be on high alert, where we are all free to go out for a walk or a run having our thoughts regularly disrupted by concerns for our safety.

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Family

A porn scene or a #MeToo story? These guys' answers say a lot.

Warning: This article discusses sexual assault and rape culture.

In a new video project, several men read aloud stories about sexual encounters. Then they answer a question: Is this a summary of a porn scene or a personal story about sexual assault?

In the video above — a clip from "Be Frank," a short film by Damayanti Dipayana and Camilla Borel-Rinkes — the men's answers varied. A lot.

"That is sexual assault," one participant says confidently after reading one encounter.

"Porn?" another man guessed, unsure. "I think that's a porn situation? That seems like a guy's fantasy."

Moments later, a different story made the same man cringe: "That may be a #MeToo story. That's kind of fucked up."

You begin to notice a theme: The men feel as though many encounters fall into a gray area, making them unsure.

[rebelmouse-image 19533259 dam="1" original_size="500x244" caption="GIF via "Be Frank," YouTube." expand=1]GIF via "Be Frank," YouTube.

The encounters could describe a real sexual assault or a porn scene, the participants noticed.

As it turned out, however, every encounter was describing a porn scene.

[rebelmouse-image 19533260 dam="1" original_size="500x249" caption="GIF via "Be Frank," YouTube." expand=1]GIF via "Be Frank," YouTube.

The intent of the video wasn't to shame porn or the people who consume it, but to highlight two critical points:

1. The vast majority of porn features physical aggression toward women.

One study, the video noted, found 88.2% of pornographic scenes feature aggressive behaviors, like gagging or slapping. Those on the receiving end of the aggression were overwhelmingly women.

2. Most boys first learn about sex by viewing porn.

Porn, of course, is not the best medium for sex education. It doesn't teach critical lessons young people should learn about sex — notably, the importance of consent.

So while models in pornography may have consented before filming a scene, this fact may get lost on boys who don't understand why that matters. Because of the glaring lack of comprehensive sex-ed programs in U.S. schools, where consent would be taught, porn plays a major role in shaping how kids understand sex as they become sexually active.

Porn can be a tricky subject.

Depending on who you ask, viewing porn can be a healthy part of an adult's life or it can contribute to a culture that objectifies women and perpetuates violence against them. (Maybe, depending on the type of porn and how it's consumed, there's truth in both arguments?)

Regardless of the larger effects viewing porn may have on our culture and society, porn certainly should not be a replacement for sex-ed.  

[rebelmouse-image 19533261 dam="1" original_size="500x241" caption="GIF via "Be Frank," YouTube." expand=1]GIF via "Be Frank," YouTube.

So, how can men start changing rape culture right now?

"I think by engaging in more conversation. It doesn't seem like a big step, but it is a first step," one man answers in the full version of "Be Frank."

"I think that men need to stand up and intervene [when they see sexual assault or harassment]," another responds.

"I would say, just be better — especially me," a participant concluded. "I'm a tall, white male, straight. Everything in the world is so easy for us. Why can't you just be nice and be respectful of women, of people of different colors, different sexual orientations?"

You can watch the full "Be Frank" video below:

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