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Child psychologist reveals the 6 'magic phrases' that make kids listen to their parents

"When a child feels safe, they can actually hear you."

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Moms share joyful moments with their kids.

Sometimes it's generational, and sometimes it's just a bit of good old-fashioned authority rebellion, but getting kids to really "listen" to their parents in a way that creates a positive long-term effect can be tricky.

That's where child psychologist Reem Raouda’s hours of research come in handy. In an article for CNBC's Make It, Raouda, also a mother and therapist, reveals that after studying "over 200 parent-child relationships," a common theme for a good outcome is for the child to feel connected and safe.

Raouda reveals six phrases she has personally seen make all the difference.

"I believe you."

Validation is a huge factor in parental relationships. She writes, "Belief defuses shame and creates safety. When a child feels safe, they can actually hear you."

She gives the example of spilling juice. If a child spills something, it's immediately reassuring for them to know their parent doesn't blame or shame them. And if the child says they didn't do it on purpose, saying "I believe you" helps establish respect.

Another example could be, "I just forgot to do my homework." A potential answer? "I believe you! We all forget sometimes. Better late than never."

"Let's figure this out together."

When a child is merely following orders from a parent, they don't often feel a teamwork bond. Raouda refers to it as a "standoff" when a chore is barked at a child, rather than presenting it as a task for the greater good.

If, for example, a kid is being asked to clean their room and seems oppositional to the idea, rather than punishing—come up with a fun plan to clean together.

"You can feel this. I'm right here."

The idea here is to make sure the child knows their emotions are completely valid. If they have a reaction to something that upsets them, don't merely tell them to toughen up. Instead, let them know it's safe to feel it and that their parent will stay right by their side.

Kristen Weir writes for the American Psychological Association that acknowledging feelings with your child early on can yield healthy benefits. "Caregivers can start talking about feelings when their children are still babies. Point out when book or movie characters feel sad, happy, angry, or worried."

"I'm listening. What's going on?"

For a kid to hear you, they need to feel heard. Raouda notes, "This simple shift of giving attention before demanding it dissolves resistance. When kids feel understood, they stop trying to push back."

She adds that trying to get to the root of their emotion or action is key. "Now you're uncovering the deeper hurt behind the anger, and that's the part you can address to help repair both the relationship and the behavior."

"I hear you. I'm on your side."

These words build a bond, which ultimately (hopefully) connects a parent to their child. Knowing they can begin from a place where they're not alone is a great start to a healthy relationship.

She gives the example of a child hating their homework. If the parent comes at this from a place of understanding and an "I've been there" tone, it really helps the child feel supported and understood.

"I've got you, no matter what."

Again, this phrase builds teamwork. Raouda writes, "Mistakes can trigger shame. But when kids hear this phrase, they learn that love isn't conditional on performance or perfection."

Weir also touched on the importance of connection, saying, "Studies show that children who have a secure, trusting relationship with their parents or caregivers have better emotion regulation as toddlers than those whose needs aren’t met by their caregivers. Being consistent and comforting will help you develop a secure attachment with your child."

Jaime Amor gives tips on getting kids to pay attnention. www.youtube.com, CosmicKidsYoga

There are other child experts with approaches to getting children to listen. On the Cosmic Kids Yoga YouTube page, children's yoga instructor and host Jaime Amor gives her own ideas, including some physical instructions.

"Get on eye level," she suggests when possible. She also stressed the importance of "active listening," in that you're giving them your whole attention. Not only does this help put them at ease, it demonstrates "what active listening looks like."

Additionally, Amor recommends asking "how" and "what" questions rather than "why?" While "why" can sound accusatory, "how" and "what" help them tell their story. She astutely notes that when conversing with kids, "Speak in shorter sentences and use language they understand."

Lastly, she notes to give the child choices. "Kids tend to listen and cooperate when they get a choice. It gives them a sense of control and autonomy so they feel respect. When kids feel respect, they'll work hard to reciprocate."

parenting, kids, listening, respect, teamwork Father and son sit on a the dock. Photo by Kelli McClintock on Unsplash

On Reddit, an OP asks "How to effectively make my child listen to me." (For context, they share they have children who are two and seven.) One commenter writes, "I've found with my 5-year-old, if I do the activity with him that helps. If it's folding clothes, I fold mine, and he folds his. When it comes to him doing things on his own, I define success and help him visualize it. 'I need your help. Can you please help me by putting the dishes away?'"

Another gives this practical advice: " From an early age when they start to be able to understand words, state the reason why you need them to do something. For example, don't just tell them to tidy up the Legos, tell them to tidy up so their blocks don't get vacuumed. 'You wouldn't want your Legos to go missing, would you?'"

And this commenter echoes what Raouda said in her piece: "Try giving them options instead of demands. 'Would you rather do this now or in 5 minutes. Would you rather put your pants on first or your shirt on first.' Kids are more likely to be cooperative if they feel like they have some control. Try phrasing things differently. Turn demands into questions like "can/will you do this please?" instead of just "do this.""

grumpy child, parenting, teamwork, listening, tears A child feels sad. commons.wikimedia.org

The thread weaving through all these suggestions is making sure the child feels heard, safe, respected, and supported. It's not you against them; you're a team and in you're in it together.

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The calm and confident 'shark' method to stop bullies from pushing you around

A bully is like a shark. But even sharks have a weakness.

via Canva/Photos

A shark and a woman being bullied.

When people talk about bullying, it is usually centered around the schoolyard type: the kid who comes around and tries to steal another child’s lunch money or calls people names to humiliate them in front of other students. You know, Nelson Muntz from The Simpsons.

However, as people become adults, they still come across bullying, although it can be a bit more subtle. It’s the boss who puts you down in meetings, the mother-in-law who constantly critiques you, or the one friend who controls the group chat and puts you down whenever your friend group gets together.


In the old days, your parents might tell you to fight back against the bully, but in the adult world—especially in your professional life—you can’t fight back the way you could in the schoolyard. That’s where @Mewmewsha, a TikToker who provides people with "Older Sister" advice, comes in. She has a brilliant shark metaphor to explain how to deal with bullies.

Warning: Video contains strong language.

@mewmewsha

Here’s how to deal with ANYONE who tries to push you around, bully you, and make you feel small

How to deal with a bully

According to @Mewmewsha, bullies are incredibly insecure people; that’s why they pick on other people. “They're the most vulnerable person in the room. It doesn't take much to crush them. That's their biggest insecurity, and they desperately don't want anyone to figure that out,” she says. The good news, she says, is that “you don’t need to fight them,” just tell them to screw off.

@mewmewsha says that when you’re dealing with a bully, you need to think of them as sharks. “They're big, they're scary, and they attack you when you're minding your business. When a shark is coming at you, you don't swim away, you don't make a big splash, and you don't try to fight. "Your only option is to redirect them,” she says. "One firm nudge to let them know, ’Hey, what you're looking for ain't here.’”


sharks, water, ocean, hunting, shark hunter, ocean floor, hungry shark A shark hunting for food.via Canva/Photos

But where do you nudge the bully? On a shark, you hit them right in the snout, that’s their most vulnerable place. On a bully, it’s calling out their insecurities. She says that you don’t cower to the bully, you look them right in the eye and say this: “Listen, obviously you need everyone to look at me so that no one looks too closely at you. Cause if they did, what would they see? What are you so worried people are gonna notice? Cause the more you keep coming for me, the more obvious it is. So f**k off and find someone else to bother.”

This also comes with a warning: Before telling a bully off, make sure that you are in a safe situation to do so.

Why do people act like bullies?

@mewmewsha may not be a psychologist or a therapist, but she is spot on when it comes to diagnosing why people are bullies. According to an article medically reviewed by Julie Dodson, MA, LCSW, and Melissa Guarnaccia, LCSW of Better Help: “Bullies may have low self-esteem and try to boost their self-worth by putting others down.”

therapist, therapy, psychologist, female therapist, therapy office A woman speaking with her therapist.via Canva/Photos

They add that one of the best ways to stop someone from bullying you is to show that you are “confident” and that their tactics are not working. “Because the person who bullies may already be self-conscious, they are likely to become angry as you become more empowered,” they write. “Eventually, they may be forced to give up once you show them that you are not going to allow their behavior to impact you.”

The good news about the advice from @mewmewsha and the therapists at Better Help is that if you are being bullied, there is hope. The key is to understand that a bully, much like a shark, may be intimidating, but they have a weak spot, and if you can use that to your advantage, you can stop the bullying altogether.

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15 therapists share the simple, but profound, differences between their male and female clients

"Older men will often complain of physical pain when they really have depression."

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A therapist working with a couple.

Although it’s important not to stereotype people based on gender, therapists can’t dismiss the critical role it plays when working with clients. Whether it’s the way men and women are socialized, with men being more likely to repress their feelings and women being pushed into being people-pleasers. Or, if it's the fundamental genetic and hormonal differences that separate the sexes, therapists have to take gender into account when working with their clients.

The interesting thing is that, these days, there is a growing gender equality in mental health. For years, women were more likely to get help from a therapist, but the number of men looking to get help for their mental health has been on the rise. This change is essential given the fact that men are four times more likely to die by suicide than women.


Therapists gain a unique insight into human nature, so it’s interesting to learn the psychological differences they’ve noticed between the sexes. A Reddit user recently posed a question to the AskReddit subforum: “Therapists of Reddit, what are some differences you've noticed between male/female patients?” and the therapists shared the differences and similarities they’ve noticed.

It’s worth noting that for this article, non-binary people aren’t mentioned, because they weren’t highlighted in the Reddit discussion. But that doesn’t mean that their unique psychological profiles are any less important than those of men and women.

Here are 15 of the most intriguing differences that therapists have noticed between men and women.

1. Tough guy/Shocking girl

"I saw a lot of young men who really struggled and wanted help, but 'being cool/tough' was more important. If they felt vulnerable, they lashed out with inappropriate sexual or aggressive behavior. It was often really easy to see where young men learned that anger and violence would get them what they thought they wanted. The girls who struggled to be vulnerable would be avoidant, sarcastic, or try to shock me by telling me the awful things they had done or experienced."

2. Different delusions

"I was a therapist for people with psychosis and schizophrenia, if that counts? Men were more likely to have God delusions. (I am god, or God speaks to me). Women were more likely to have romance delusions. (Michael Jackson speaks to me, I'm Mary and I'm pregnant by a miracle.)"

3. Men don't choose therapy

"Men frequently schedule their first appointment because their wife or girlfriend strongly encouraged it. It’s more rare for them to reach out of their own volition."

therapy, psychologists, psychology, on the couch, men and therapy, male mental health A man talking with a therapist.via Canva/Photos

4. They open up in different ways

"For me, men opened up faster. The first visit or two might be super limited and then the floodgates open all at once. The women are more open at the start, but drop big details ways slower."

5. Older men and pain

"Older men will often complain of physical pain when they really have depression."

"Yeah, in the worst of my depression, it's felt as though my whole body is shutting down. Not sure how else to describe it."

6. Alexithymia

"Alexithymia was also much more common in males - that inability to identify emotions and therefore to explore them without professional support was absolutely crippling for many. (This was observed in session rather than as part of traditional/ structured research.)"

"I used to teach a social emotional learning module to young people (from about as young as kindergarten up to high school). It was just very basic stuff about how to recognize and manage your emotions in a healthy way. Half the time it was basic stuff like 'if you're angry, count to 10 instead of hitting your classmate.' We stopped offering it in part because so many dads got aggressive with our staff accusing us of essentially trying to 'make their sons gay.' Now I see the results of that sort of thinking all the time, adult men who filter everything through anger and aggression, or simply don't acknowledge or address their emotions."


therapy, mental health, psychology, psychologists, gender and psychology A woman receiving mental health help.via Canva/Photos

7. The train metaphor

"Men will whisper 'I’m not sure if I’m allowed to feel sad' after getting hit by a metaphorical train. Women will apologize to the train."

8. They're not really different

"I treat people with cooccurring substance abuse and mental health issues. After 20 years, I don’t think that I could really say. Everybody has underlying issues that drive behavior, so if they have trauma or a personality disorder or an anxiety disorder, everybody presents in a different way. It’s not really specific to gender. It’s based on your history, your coping skills, your insight and judgment into what’s going on."

9. Honesty vs. perfection

"My male clients come to therapy wanting solutions, action, structure, and for me (a woman) to tell it like it is. Over time, we almost always end up going very psychodynamic (lots of talking, open-ended guiding questions, raising awareness of relational/childhood stuff, behavioral patterns) and processing the deeper stuff that they didn't think was relevant or no one gave them space to talk about before.

My female clients are very high-performing, controlling, perfectionist, burned-out, and trying to perform therapy and healing in a perfect way. Over time, we end up working on self-acceptance, processing anger, boundaries, values-driven action, self-image, and raising consciousness on gender roles and capitalism. And actually feeling the emotions in addition to labeling and analyzing them."

10. They do breakups differently

"I work with a lot of college students and guys always take break-ups much harder and are more likely to cry about them."

"I heard a line from a comedian that made sense to me: 'Women take breakups so well because they breakup with you months before they tell you. That's why they want to be friends after. You're the dude that got her through her breakup with you.'"


therapist, female therapist, psychology, psychologist, mental health A therapist speaking with her client.via Canva/Photos

11. Safety vs. appreciation

"In most couples i saw as a therapist, the woman wants to feel emotionally safe while the guy wants to be appreciated for what hes doing. Also, most men don't seem to identify getting angry easily as emotional and only think crying is emotional. More men asked if they could be put on medication, and women preferred talk therapy."

12. Sense of self vs. sense of worth

"My male clients often struggle with their sense of self and masculinity, especially in relationships. There’s a lot of pressure tied to being the 'provider' or 'the emotional/stoic rock' in the relationship. Many were raised to believe that their value (or what they provide) is based on what they can materially/financially contribute, not on emotional presence. Vulnerability is often uncomfortable because they weren’t given the language or space to express it growing up.

With my female clients, I often see issues around self-worth, confidence, anxiety, people-pleasing, and difficulty expressing needs. Many grew up being taught to prioritize others and to equate self-sacrifice with goodness. That shows up in a lot of different ways, such as avoiding conflict, staying in unhealthy relationships too long, or struggling to set boundaries and enforce them."

13. Encouragement vs. attention

"I have learned that men need support and encouragement to thrive. Constant criticism is hard on a man; it causes him to lose his confidence, and in that situation, he has a hard time relating to his partner. Women, on the other hand, need attention. They need to feel seen and heard. They don't need to be understood as much as they need to feel heard. Women don't usually accept excuses. They want acknowledgment. When a woman is not feeling seen or heard. She doesn't feel loved and has a hard time relating to her partner."


therapy, psychologists, psychology, on the couch, men and therapy, male mental health A young man talking to a therapist.via Canva/Photos

14. Societal impacts on gender

"I've seen women whose life problems are frequently attributable to beliefs, events, and relationships that are derived from patriarchal society. Or women who struggle with making friends because they find it difficult to deal with the prevalence of social aggression in female friendships (particularly autistic women). Some also tend to overgeneralize their (reasonable) fear of what dangers men pose to them into avoidance of men, even when they want to be in a relationship. Some struggle with the attractiveness expectations towards women, either by failing to meet them and having the body image/self-esteem consequences, or by succeeding and then finding it difficult to navigate the consequent objectification by men (and women) in their lives.

In men, I've seen problems related to loneliness (lack of meaningful friendships), difficulties/disinterest in expressing emotions (to friends/partner), callousness in romantic relationships and views of women (likely encouraged by the manosphere internet), and fears of being a burden on society and their families (often reinforced by their wives or girlfriends' pressure on them). Some men's overgeneralized negative views of women (e.g., "they're too stupid/materialistic/shallow") lead to their problems in relationships across their families, friends, and partner."

15. Women get PTSD more often

"As a therapist, I also agree with this. At the end of the day, there were no inherent differences between genders in terms of the issues they were working on or how they approached therapy. The only slightly gender-skewed pattern I've noticed was in the frequency of PTSD diagnosis/symptomatology (more women). Differences between individuals that I've personally observed were more often related to other demographics than gender (such as cultural background for symptom presentation/approach to therapy: and age for the approach to therapy/therapeutic relationship part)."

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Feeling stuck in life? Real people share 10 time-tested ways to 'unstick' yourself that actually work

"Just take one thing you need to be doing, and do it for two minutes."

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Men falling into quick sand, molasses, meditation.

First of all, you're not alone. Feeling "stuck" can—and usually does—happen at any stage of life. It's not a reflection of your success status, your love attachment, or even necessarily your choices. But it can feel like you're walking in sticky molasses with no way out. These feelings could range from mere procrastination on small tasks to a bigger picture "stuckness" wherein you might feel an existential angst that seems to freeze your ability to make change.

While many therapists offer helpful solutions on how to get "unstuck," non-experts have creative ideas too, and they are surprisingly simple.

In 30 seconds flat, Stanford professor Graham Weaver shares ways to become unstuck, which he also imparts on his students. He begins by asking four questions: "What am I avoiding? I need to go right at that." So, let's say you've got mounds of paperwork on your desk and just can't bring yourself to go through it. This creates a cycle of stuckness, because until you tackle that task, you might not be able to move on to the next thing. Naming it is the first step to addressing it.

@grahamcweaver

How to get unstuck. Four simple tips. #growth #stuck #selfimprovement #mindsetmotivation #lifeadvice #personaldevelopment #goals

He then advises to ask the question, "Where do I start?" Good question, right? His answer is easy: "Translate my goal into something simple I can do today." This could merely be sending an email about a job opportunity or, ya know, going through at least a portion of that mountain of paperwork.

The third question he proposes is, "How do I 'win' today? Just write down three things I can move forward on today, and then get up and repeat that tomorrow." Your three things can be as simple or complex as you'd like. Example: Pay the minimum payment (if not all) of a bill. Send an email about a project idea. Change your sheets.

And lastly, he asks, "What are the habits that are interfering with where I want to go?" This is probably the most important and possibly most difficult when trying to assess your stuckness. (For me, it's a lack of focus. I'll begin doing something creative or practical, and then I'll start scrolling Instagram for hours. Since I can't change that, I put my phone in a drawer for as long as possible and give myself a goal of at least one hour without it. Baby steps.)

Just recently on Reddit, someone posted the question: "How do you quickly get out of a rut situation and take actions?" They describe feeling stuck, and in part share, "I want to learn skills. I want to mainly overcome fears and complete tasks that I’ve been neglecting to do. Now I always feel like I’m not good enough. I don’t have the proper plan and basic idea how to achieve goals. So my mind automatically chooses to procrastinate, yet in the background, all I do is worry about my life problems."

Redditors recognized themselves in this statement and many had solid ideas. The first commenter suggests literal movement. "For me, the way out was exercise. To start, once I got so frustrated with myself for lying around and doing nothing that I couldn't take it anymore, I would get up and go to the gym and use that frustration to get me moving. I noticed after I went to the gym I would feel so good, both physically and mentally. This spurred me to get more things done around the house, instead of just doing nothing."

homer simpson, the simpsons, treadmill, excercise Homer tries to use the treadmill. Giphy 20th Century Fox

Another echoes Weaver's idea of creating smaller goals that can help one, as he said, "win today." This Redditor shares, "What I have found works for me is just getting something done to build momentum, even if it's a small thing. Then I layer another small thing on top of that and keep going. Some people say do the difficult things first and get it out of the way. I am not built that way. I fear what's difficult and procrastinate. So I build up to it by gaining smaller victories."

This person offers what's called The Two Minute Method. "The two minute method (it has a million other names as well) is good. Just take one thing you know you need to be doing, and do it for 2 minutes. Generally, once you get going, you'll be able to do it for longer than that. The great barrier is inertia—objects at rest want to stay at rest."

While there were many other helpful answers from everyday Redditors, this person listed three excellent ideas in a row of things one can actually do right now to make a significant change: "If you’re on social media and often catch yourself mindlessly scrolling every time there’s a lull in the day, challenge yourself to delete the apps. For a week, for a month, etc. See how you feel!"

They add to motivate yourself through music. "If you’re a music person, put together some playlists based on the mood you’re trying to set. Need some light background noise for reading? Throw together some chill instrumental songs. Need a workout playlist? Gather all the songs that get you amped. If your library isn’t that deep you can always search for playlists on YouTube/Spotify."

And lastly, "Might sound silly, but meditation can be a great tool to help look inward, boost your morale, and set intentions for what you want to focus on. You can look up: affirmations meditation, motivation meditation, unstuck meditation."

Here's one of many meditations focused on unsticking:

guided meditation, anxiety, feeling stuck, therapy www.youtube.com, John Davisi

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