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Mental Health

13 powerful therapy 'one-liners' everyone needs to hear

If you can remember just 3 of these, your life will get dramatically better.

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

You know how you can hear a million songs about love, or grief, or anger, but there's one in particular that somehow captures it in a way that resonates perfectly with you, and you can never forget it?

The same goes for good advice.

There's a different between intuitively knowing what you should do, and having it presented in a way that energizes you to your very core and inspires action.

A Reddit thread titled: "What's one thing a therapist has said to you that you will never forget?" aimed to capture some such advice.

It was chock full of good quick wins for how to approach problems, reframe our thinking, and get out of our own way.

One-liners like these aren't a replacement for proper therapy, of course, but they are great reminders for almost all of us.

I reached out to a few mental health professionals, too, to hear about the things they end up telling patients over and over and over. Here are the best responses.

1. Feelings follow action.

"My most common advice to my clients is to start doing things before they feel better. Feelings follow actions, not the other way around," says Thomas Banta, a clinical mental health counselor.

"If you wait until you're no longer depressed to do things you used to enjoy, you won't be doing the things that make you feel better!"

2. Are you mapping or trapping?

"When I work with couples something I always encourage people to notice if they are 'mapping or trapping'," says Alex Banta, Clinical Director and therapist at Thriveworks.

"This means are you actively helping your partner know how to love and support you or 'mapping'. Or are your waiting for your partner to read your mind ultimately leading to them falling into a 'trap'."

3. Pain is necessary, suffering is optional.

men's white dress shirt Photo by Road Trip with Raj on Unsplash

"Few people enjoy cleaning a toilet, but it has to get done. Cleaning the toilet might be a pain, but ruminating on how much you hate doing it before, during, and after is suffering," Audrey Schoen, licensed marriage and family therapist.

"I often encourage clients to find the line where pain ends and suffering begins, because suffering is the only part you have any control over."

4. How would ___ tell this story?

"One question that I tend to ask my clients when they're telling a story about how someone behaved that offended them is 'If [blank] were in this session with us, how do you think they would tell this story?'" recommends Paris Smith of Mending Minds Mental Health Collective.

"I see it helps with challenging my clients' perspectives and taking into consideration how many assumptions we make about situations and others. More often than not those assumptions are negative. Taking into consideration that there are things we might be missing, helps us to not take things so personally. It's typically less about us and more about them."

5. If you did know, what would the answer be?

"One of the most effective reframes I use, with my younger clients in particular when asking a difficult question, and getting the answer 'I don't know' [is], 'I understand that you don't know, and that's OK. But if you did know, what would the answer be?'" says author and coach Mark Papadas.

And here are the best self-reported answers from Reddit.

6. "You're a people pleaser. And, aren't you a people? So, when is it YOUR turn?"

This one must have hit u/Darkm0or like a ton of bricks.

7. "Acknowledge your feelings, let them go, and move on."

aerial photography of body of water with trees around Photo by Jessica Furtney on Unsplash

"Notice the feelings, like leaves on a river. Call them what they are, then let them go, let them float down the river past you. Don't judge yourself for having them, and don't engage with them. Simply acknowledge them, let them go, and move on." - obligated_existence

8. “When you stop making yourself small, some people will no longer fit in your life.”

- gethee2anunnery

9. “Just because someone is trying their best that doesn’t mean it’s okay.”

u/myrtlebarracuda was dealing with a difficult family member, and the therapist's advice helped them realize they didn't have to accept the bad behavior.

10. "Believe everyone."

"Let’s pretend that everyone says exactly what they mean. Don’t try to figure out the subtext. Take it at face value. Believe them." - FutureGhost24

11. "Depression is in the past. Anxiety is in the future. Stay in the present."

"It sounds so simple but really hit hard given what I was going through." - katosucks

12. "Unspoken expectations of others are just future resentments"

- LethalMindNinja

13. "You don’t have to fix everything at once. Just start somewhere."

My personal favorite in the whole thread comes from u/ReporterFamous3631, who writes:

"It helped me let go of the pressure to be perfect and focus on small steps. It made the bigger issues feel less overwhelming."

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Pop Culture

Real therapists share 11 'therapy speak' words everyone's using wrong

If someone can't remember something, they're not 'gaslighting' you.

A recent Reddit thread (rant?) that posed the theory: "Gen Z misuses therapy speak too much" seems to have really struck a nerve. The initial post inspired nearly three-thousand comments from people fed up with the way more and more people are casually tossing around words and phrases that sound like they're pulled directly from the mouth of a psychiatrist.

The rise of therapy speak has been swift and noticeable, especially in younger people. It's true that more people than ever are actually going to therapy and are more aware of mental health terms, but it's also true that even more people are learning about mental health and therapy words from TikTok, YouTube, and other social media. Some estimates indicate that over 80% of mental health content on TikTok is inaccurate!

I asked therapists and psychologists to tell me about some of the most commonly misused and misunderstood "therapy speak" buzzwords, and here's what they had to say.

1. Gaslighting

A figure holding a gas lantern Jeremy Bishop/Unsplash

The dictionary definition of gaslighting refers to purposeful, longterm psychological manipulation.

It really bugs psychology experts how this one has been co-opted (even though it's not an official clinical term).

"There are some terms being weaponized ... but one word, in particular, is gaslighting. That word has very serious implications and is often part of an abuse cycle.

"Now we’re accusing anyone who recalls something differently than us or who challenges us as 'gaslighting' us. I think that contributes to this idea that we’re not strong enough, not capable enough, too delicate to be called out, challenged, or doubted. In any way. Ever. This is doing no one any favors. - Leah Young, LPC at Pathlight Mood & Anxiety Center Clinical Manager

2. Anxiety

Some people believe others use "anxiety" as an excuse, these days, for not wanting to do things that are uncomfortable.

Whether or not they do, it would help if we could all agree on the definition!

There's a difference between feeling anxious and having anxiety. Anxiousness can be managed and overcome, while anxiety is a long-term problem that must be treated.

"Having some anxiety is a normal thing—having an anxiety disorder is much different since it impedes everyday life and decisions," says Tirrell De Gannes, a licensed clinical psychologist.

3. Trauma / PTSD

When we're using the same term to describe going to war and having an argument with your parents, something has gone wrong.

'"This term is increasingly used to describe upsetting events or experiences. Not all upsetting events will cause a trauma response," says Audrey Schoen, licensed marriage and family therapist.

"And not everyone that experiences a traumatic event will develop PTSD. PTSD happens when the brain is unable to complete the processing and consolidation process after a traumatic event, and the effects can be severe and long lasting."

While we're at it, remember that "trauma bonding" is something that happens between someone and the person who abuses or mistreats them — if someone tries to relate to you based on a difficult experience you both shared, that's totally normal and not trauma bonding!

4. Narcissist

At some point, everyone who acts like a jerk to us became a "narcissist."

Let's leave the diagnoses to the professionals, OK?

"'Narcissist' has become a catch-all for selfish behavior, losing its connection to the clinical diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder," says Caroline Fenkel, Chief Clinical Officer at Charlie Health.

5. Toxic

a poisonous mushroom Sergei Gussev/Unsplash

"Toxic [is improperly used] to describe ineffective or unhelpful people or relationships. Or to describe someone who wasn’t for us after all. I’ve worked with patients who describe someone as toxic simply because that person started setting boundaries. This is another example of overusing a word to mean that we just don’t like something," says Leah Young

"Labeling every difficult interaction or disagreement as 'toxic' overlooks the complexity of human relationships. ... Simply writing someone off as 'toxic' doesn’t leave room for growth, understanding, or healing," says Joseph Cavins, licensed marriage and family therapist.

6. Unsafe / uncomfortable

"If a tween or teen is in trouble we often we hear them say they feel 'unsafe' or 'uncomfortable.' In reality, the adults in their lives are holding them accountable for inappropriate behavior," says therapist Jocelyn Bibi.

"Sitting in uncomfortable feelings is really challenging, and being told you did something wrong and reflecting on it is tough, particularly for tweens and teens. It seems like saying they feel 'unsafe' is a way out of these tricky conversations, whether it is a conscious action or not."

7. Triggered

"Triggered", the close cousin of "trauma" that the media loves to misuse!

"[Words like triggered] are often misapplied to situations that cause discomfort rather than true psychological harm. This happens in part because social media spreads these words quickly, without always providing their proper context," says Caroline Fenkel.

A trigger, in psychology, refers to something that sets off overwhelming distress and can relate to things like substance abuse or PTSD flashbacks.

8. ADD / ADHD

"Often used to describe someone that is easily distracted or tends to be a little scattered at times. The important distinction is that ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder that interferes with a persons functioning or development.

"It’s more than just being easily distracted, and can significantly affect someone’s academic or work performance, daily functioning, and relationships," says Audrey Schoen.

9. OCD

"Often people will use this to describe things they are particular or rigid about. Or someone that is more organized or likes to something a certain way. OCD involved recurring, intrusive thoughts of behaviors that are often uncomfortable or problematic to the person and its accompanied by a great deal of anxiety," says Schoen.

10. Bipolar

"This is often used in reference to someone having a mood swing or being moody. It might also be used to describe someone who is reactive or gets upset easily," says Schoen.

"Bipolar is much more serious and involved periods of severe mood changes. During manic episodes a person might feel euphoric, have intense racing thoughts, and engage in incredibly risky behaviors without any thought of the negative consequences. Depressive episodes may include intensely low mood and even suicidal ideation. The swings of bipolar can be significant, longer lasting, and may not have a clear trigger."

11. Boundaries

police tape 'Do Not Cross' David von Diemar/Unsplash

People think of drawing boundaries as a healthy habit, and it is — but only if you know what it actually means.

"For example, say you do not eat meat. You go to dinner with friends and they order food with meat. A boundary is not to say 'I do not eat meat so no one around me can eat meat that is my boundary.' That is not a boundary-that is control," says Alex Banta, Clinical Director and therapist at Thriveworks.

"A boundary would be if you decide that you cannot be around people eating meat, you do not go to the dinner. A boundary is something you set related to your own behavior."

Alex adds that while therapy speak words like "boundary" are popular on social media, they can sometimes be used to justify unhealthy behavior.

"Controlling behavior gets wrapped in the term 'boundary' and suddenly the unhealthy behavior is allowed."

Sometimes these therapy-speak words are used casually in-jest, or in a self-deprecating jokey way. Other times, they're seriously misapplied. But there might be a small upside to the rising prevalence, or mainstreaming, of these words. Even if there's a ways to go when it comes to educating people on using them properly.

"More awareness means more conversations around mental health, and I can say that’s a positive shift. The key is education, making sure people understand the terms they’re using so they can apply them correctly and compassionately," says Joseph Cavins. "There’s always an opportunity to turn awareness into deeper learning, and that’s where we, as mental health professionals, can step in."

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Health

What's the most clever and confident response to an insult? 6 experts share the best comebacks.

Study these so you'll be ready next time someone tries to insult you.

via SHVETS production/Pexels

A woman can't believe how she was insulted.

An insult can come out of nowhere and at any time. So, it’s best to prepare yourself with a skillful response that doesn’t start a fight but puts the offending person in their place. A great response to an insult makes the other person look worse and shows that you are confident and don’t care what your detractors think.

However, being hit with an insult out of nowhere can be jarring, making a skillful comeback difficult. That’s why we’ve compiled this list of 6 comebacks recommended by 5 therapists and a lawyer to put the hater in their place and make you look even better than before.

How do you respond to an insult?

1. “Are you okay?”

Bernadette Purcell, a popular LCSW on TikTok and author of "Divorced As F,” says that responding with “Are you okay?” puts “them on the defensive and gives you the upper hand.” Depending on how the response is delivered, it can be a genuine question to see if the insulter, who just said something inappropriate, is going through a personal problem. It’s also rooted in the assumption that the person is insecure and is trying to elevate themselves by putting others down. With this response, you seem confident and empathetic.

2. “Hey, flag on the play”

Ajita Robinson, a therapist in Bethesda, Md., told Time she often responds to insults with, “Hey, flag on the play,” a reference to when a referee calls a penalty in football. For example, one of Robinson’s clients went on a date with a man who said some things that were a bit sexually suggestive. So she responded to him with a “Hey, flag on the play.”

“I thought that was pretty cool because she used it as a way to express that this was something she was uncomfortable with,” Robinson says. “It’s lighthearted, but sends a signal that the comment or interaction crossed a boundary.”

How to respond to a backhanded compliment?

3. “I'm sure you mean that in the nicest way possible!”

Jessica Alderson, Co-Founder and Relationship Expert at So Syncd, says one of the best ways to respond to a backhanded compliment is by being humorous. “Employing humor can diffuse the tension of a backhanded compliment while also indirectly addressing the underlying criticism. You could respond with a lighthearted comment such as, ‘I'm sure you mean that in the nicest way possible!’ or ‘I'm glad I exceeded your low expectations’," Alderson told Verywell Mind.

A backhanded compliment is when someone says something that sounds like praise but has a hidden critique or negative twist. It might seem flattering initially, but there's usually an underlying message that the person you’re talking to isn’t being kind. For example, "You look great for someone your age!" is calling you attractive but old at the same time.

4. Do nothing

Riyan Portuguez, MP, RPm, RPsy, has the simplest response, but you must learn to keep a straight face. “So you take the insult, make no reaction to it,” he said on TikTok. “You smile and you look at them in the eye and say nothing. You are composed; it has no effect on you, and make sure you hold that smile and look them in the face and keep him waiting." Grayson Allen, a University of Cambridge graduate who shares TikTok psychology tips, agrees with Portuguez. “If you show that you're completely not phased or didn't even hear it, that's going to be awkward, they're going to look bad, and you're going to be in control,” he said on TikTok.

5. "What was your intention with that comment?"

Jessica Good, a therapist in St. Louis, told Time that this response is both “effective and therapeutic” because “it makes them say the quiet part out loud.” This puts the insulter in a very uncomfortable position of admitting that they intentionally insulted you or forces them to backtrack and lie their way out of the situation, making them look bad.

6. Agree with them

Jefferson Fisher isn't a therapist but a lawyer in Texas who calls himself an "argument expert." He says that when someone insults you, it's to get a dopamine hit. The key is to keep them from enjoying the chemical reaction. If he knows the person who insulted him, he'll agree with the remark. "By agreeing to it, I'll totally take away that satisfaction of the dopamine," Fisher said on TikTok. "So if someone puts me down, I'll say, 'You know, but maybe you're right. And, just checking in, are you feeling okay?' At all times, I'm letting them know I'm the one that's still here and in control."

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Wellness

Woman shares her therapist's surprisingly helpful mental health tip: 'Run the dishwasher twice'

"It blew my mind in a way that I don't think I can properly express."

Achim Thiemermann from Pixabay, Natasha G from Pixabay, Danielle Wunker/Facebook

"Run the dishwasher twice" might sound like strange mental health advice, but a viral post is proving that it's actually quite helpful.

Danielle Wunker, a Licensed Professional Counselor and Supervisor, shared a story on her Facebook page that is resonating with people who struggle with mental health issues. It originally came from an answer from Katie Scott on Quora to the question "Has a therapist ever told you something completely unexpected?"

It reads:

"When I was at one of my lowest (mental) points in life, I couldn't get out of bed some days. I had no energy or motivation and was barely getting by.

I had therapy once per week, and on this particular week I didn't have much to 'bring' to the session. He asked how my week was and I really had nothing to say.

'What are you struggling with?' he asked.

I gestured around me and said 'I dunno man. Life.'

Not satisfied with my answer, he said 'No, what exactly are you worried about right now? What feels overwhelming? When you go home after this session, what issue will be staring at you?'

man sitting on chair covering his eyes Photo by christopher lemercier on Unsplash

I knew the answer, but it was so ridiculous that I didn't want to say it. I wanted to have something more substantial.
Something more profound.

But I didn't.

So I told him, 'Honestly? The dishes. It's stupid, I know, but the more I look at them the more I CAN'T do them because I'll have to scrub them before I put them in the dishwasher, because the dishwasher sucks, and I just can't stand and scrub the dishes.'

I felt like an idiot even saying it.

What kind of grown ass woman is undone by a stack of dishes? There are people out there with *actual* problems, and I'm whining to my therapist about dishes?

But he nodded in understanding and then said:

'Run the dishwasher twice.'

File:Dishwasher with dishes.JPG - Wikimedia Commonscommons.wikimedia.org

I began to tell him that you're not supposed to, but he stopped me.

'Why the hell aren't you supposed to? If you don't want to scrub the dishes and your dishwasher sucks, run it twice. Run it three times, who cares?! Rules do not exist.'

It blew my mind in a way that I don't think I can properly express.

That day, I went home and tossed my smelly dishes haphazardly into the dishwasher and ran it three times.

I felt like I had conquered a dragon.

The next day, I took a shower lying down.

A few days later. I folded my laundry and put them wherever the fuck they fit.

There were no longer arbitrary rules I had to follow, and it gave me the freedom to make accomplishments again.

Now that I'm in a healthier place, I rinse off my dishes and put them in the dishwasher properly. I shower standing up. I sort my laundry.

But at a time when living was a struggle instead of a blessing, I learned an incredibly important lesson:

There are no rules.

Run the dishwasher twice."

Anyone who has been in a mental or emotional place where even just the most basic, mundane tasks seem overwhelming understands the wisdom in this lesson. Dishes might seem like such a minor detail of life, but those kinds of minor details can be the straw that breaks the camel's back mentally. If you've never stared at a basket of laundry that would take three minutes to fold and thought, "Nope, can't do it. Not now. Maybe not ever..." then you may not need this lesson, but there are millions of people who appreciate the express permission to let go of the rules in our heads about how things have to be done.

Adjusting expectations and arbitrary ideas about how something works is incredibly freeing and can provide a seemingly temporary fix for a seemingly insurmountable problem. Oddly enough, though, that temporary fix can be the necessary bridge that gets someone from unable-to-cope-with-daily-life-things to functioning on a somewhat normal level.

Mental health is such a tricky thing to manage, and many of the tools for managing it run counter to what we might expect. That's what therapists are for—to help us step outside the box of our own brains, adjust our thoughts and behaviors to create greater possibilities for ourselves, and give us permission to reject the negative voices in our head try to keep us locked in unhelpful or unhealthy patterns.

Even when that unhelpful pattern is as simple as letting the dishes pile up instead of running the dishwasher twice.

This article originally appeared on 11.20.20

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19 simple therapist insights that instantly transformed people's lives

One piece of advice can change everything.

via SHVETS production/Pexels

A therapist shares some advice with her clients.

A good therapist has the magical ability to take our messiest problems and break them down in a way that makes sense. They have an incredible way of showing us our struggles from a fresh perspective and quite often, the answers were right in front of our faces the whole time. We just needed their help to nudge us in the right direction.

For some, a therapist's simple, sage wisdom can change their lives with just one poignant realization.

Recently, a Redditor named BuildingBridges23 asked people on the subforum to share the priceless bits of wisdom that changed their lives and over 5,300 people responded. The pithy but powerful observations they shared were helpful to many people and more than one called the thread “free therapy.”

Here are 19 of the best responses to the question: “What's something your therapist said that was life-changing?”

1. You can't fix sick

"You're going to put yourself in an early grave trying to make your mother happy. Your mother is sick, trying to make her happy is like trying to fill a bucket that has no bottom, its not going to happen unless she fixes the bucket. You can't fix it for her." — ModerateDude9

2. Other people's feelings

"I asked him, 'How do you process all of the negative feelings that are projected at you?' and he said "They aren't my feelings.'" — Wirestyle22

3. Coping with death

"'The way your parents died will never be the most interesting thing about you. It's not even the most interesting thing about THEM.' My parents died by suicide together and I was worried that it was going to consume me as an individual. I didnt want their deaths or my grief to become my entire identity." — Crazyofo

4. Being brave

"When I broke down because I was so fed up with being scared and anxious all the time, he said something like. 'You can’t be brave without being scared first.' It always stuck with me that fear, no matter how overwhelming, won’t last forever and I try to see it as a chance for me to prove to myself I can fight back and try to get through this." — AnxiousAxolotyl88

5. Change

"Change happens when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of change." ؅— SpicyEmmaa

6. Dealing with mental illness

"Just because the mentally ill person screaming at you lives in your home instead of on the streets doesn't mean their opinion is any more true." — UnorignalUse

7. People are like colanders

"Some people are like a colander. It doesn't matter how much time, love and support you pour into them, it will never fill them up enough to make a difference." — Competitive-Watch188

8. Boundaries

"The only people in your life who will be angry because you established boundaries were the people who benefitted from you not having them in the first place." — Imagine_magic

9. Other people's anxiety

"'Be the mirror, not the sponge.' Don’t absorb other people’s stress and anxiety, show it back to them gently. Changed my life." — CariocaInLA

10. Sensitive people

"That being a 'highly sensitive person' is just how I’m built. It’s not something that’s wrong with me or something that I necessarily have to change. I just have to accept it, to learn my boundaries and needs and live accordingly." — stuttering-mime-ta2

11. For people-pleasers

"'You don’t need to please everyone all of the time. People who love you will not leave you because you disagree with them or do something they don’t like.' She nailed a lot of my behaviours back to the fact my biological dad left when I was 9 months old. I cannot cope with perceived abandonment, and will do everything in my power to keep people happy… because they might leave me." — RhiR2020

12. It's not about you

"'You aren’t that interesting.' I would have panic attacks and paranoia that people were out to get me (PTSD, etc) and would think that people were judging me in grocery stores because my toddler was crying or that my hair was messy. And honestly it boiled down to…nobody cares. We’re all trying to survive and get through the day and what someone looks like or does, we observe and move on." — jac_kayyy

13. Judgement

"We judge ourselves by our intentions, but we judge others by their actions." — Horny_Rapunzel

14. It's simple

"'The answer is simple. That doesn't mean it's easy, but it's simple.' I was doing what I always do in difficult, scary situations that I don't want to deal with head-on; I was overthinking and over-complicating what I needed to do to be happy again. The answer was actually quite simple: I needed to tell my (now ex-husband) that I wanted a divorce." — RovenshereExpress

15. Realize your unhappiness

"At the third session with our couples counselor, my wife and I had a brief ten-minute private session with our therapist. During my session, the therapist said, 'You need to accept the possibility of a divorce. You are trying to do the right thing and be supportive, but you can't do that alone. Your wife is taking advantage of you. You can't see how unhappy you are. That will change within a year after your divorce.' Yup. She was right. My wife and I agreed to divorce during the 4th session. I am finally happy, and love my life." — BlueCollarBeagle

16. Hurt

"Just because you were hurt when you were younger, doesn't mean randoms have the right to hurt you now." — Paeliens

17. See-saw relationship

"A relationship is like a see-saw. If the other person doesn't want to participate, you can keep going, but you'll get really tired." — SendInYourSkeleton

18. Panic

"Not my therapist, but a friend told me hers said this: 'You do not have enough information to panic about that yet.' Whenever I catch myself spiraling about the unknown, I try to remember that." — Bananaphone1549

19. Heart attacks

"It wasn’t my therapist, it was my doctor, but it was life-changing. I had been 300+ pounds all of my adult life and I was in for a physical and he said to me: 'You know, the first symptom of a heart attack is a heart attack.' It was what caused me to change my life at age 54 and lose 110 pounds in 16 months and I became a runner. I have run a race in all 50 states, 26 Halifax marathons and 2 full marathons, Chicago and Boston. That one thing he said to me kicked off my decision for better health! That was 15 years ago." — BlueJasper27

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Health

Therapist shares 2 big reasons why energizing hobbies are the perfect happiness hack

There’s a big difference between “growth” hobbies and “rot” hobbies.

via Pixabay/Pexels, Lucxama Sylvain/Pexels, Tara Winstead/Pexels

People enjoying energizing hobbies,

For those who feel like they could be happier but know they’re missing a key element, a therapist has shared her “hack” to happiness and it’s pretty simple: have an energizing hobby. The conversation about the happy hobby hack started on TikTok when marketing expert Harrison Swales noted that all his “successful” and “happy” friends have one thing in common: they enjoy energizing hobbies.

He added that instead of binging on Netflix or drinking all weekend, they were either in sports leagues or enjoyed creating things like books or videos instead of passively watching what other people make on TikTok.

"I don't know if it's directly correlated to your career and success in other areas of your life," he said, "but it certainly seems like it." The video went viral, amassing over 560,000 views and inspired a follow-up from therapist Israa Nasir, who shared the psychological reasons why energizing hobbies are so beneficial.

"This is literally the way to hack your happiness," Nasir said in response to the video, "and there are two reasons why this creator is totally accurate."

@israajnasir
#stitch with @Harrison Swales where is the lie? #neurosciencetok #happinesstips #positivepsychology #emotionalresilience

1. Sense of flow

"A sense of flow is being so present and immersed in the present moment, being completely where you are,” she said, adding that it’s a state where "mind and body [are] in the same place, and you're engaging in something that gives you joy or creativity or movement, boosts dopamine in your mind.”

"When we're able to engage in that long period of time in a state of flow, we have a slow, sustained state of dopamine," Nasir continued. "So that we feel happier for longer, which is the opposite experience when we do things like scrolling mindlessly or watching Netflix or mindlessly drinking."

2. Hobbies de-center work and romantic relationships

"If you think about it, your whole life is structured around work … and your romantic relationship,” Nassir explained. “So that makes us very flat and one-dimensional. By adding hobbies, we add more depth and dimension into our life."

She then had a message for the TikTokkers out there who claim they don’t have enough time for a new hobby. "Open your phone app where it measures how much time you're spending on social media and you'll see that you're probably spending three to four hours a day on your phone," she said. "So even if you cut that in half, you can make time for energizing hobbies."

So now that we know that energizing hobbies are a key to happiness, what are they, specifically? In the comments section, Nasir clarified what she meant by energizing hobbies, saying that they are any activity that helps you lose yourself or enter a state of flow.

That could mean dancing, doing puzzles, playing a musical instrument, playing golf, crocheting, metal detecting at the park, surfing, writing, or any other creative activity. One commenter compared energizing hobbies with those that aren’t beneficial. “I have growth hobbies and rot hobbies. You can guess which ones are energizing vs draining,” Curtis Lane wrote.

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Family

Man responds to family looking to reconnect after throwing him out of the house 37 years ago

At 16, they accused him of something he didn't do and left him on the streets.

via Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels and Inzmam Khan/Pexels

A man contemplates how to respond to an email.

On March 16, 2024, Upworthy shared the story of a Redditor named Fancy-Anywhere-4733 (FA for short) who had an incredible dilemma: How do you respond to your family 37 years after they threw you out of the house as a 16-year-old for a bogus reason?

Now, he has shared his response, which is full of honesty, strength and grace.

First, here is some background (you can read the whole story here).

FA’s mother died when he was 12 years old and 2 years later, his father married a woman named Ashley with two kids, Mark (14) and Emily (12). “I got along with Ashley and Emily really well, but Mark, not so much so,” FA recalls. The following year, this rivalry came to a head when both boys fell for the same girl, Lisa, that FA began to date, much to Mark’s annoyance.

To get FA back for dating his crush, Mark planted some of Emily’s panties in his dresser drawer for his stepmother to find on laundry day.

broken family, upset teen, homeless teen

A distressed teen afraid of his future.

via Christian Erfurt/Unsplash

“I had no answer as I'd never seen [the underwear] before,” FA wrote. “Of course, no one believed me. No matter how much protesting I did." Mark added to the lies by saying that FA often stared at Emily and once said he wanted to marry her.

FA’s father threw him out of the house for being a "perv" and he was forced to live on the streets, doing whatever he could to get by. After decades of hard work he created a new life. He had a good job, was married with 4 kids and had finally found real happiness.

Recently, at the age of 53, his stepsister, Emily, whom he hadn’t spoken to in years, emailed him. Emily revealed that Mark got drunk and admitted that he set FA up and the news has been like a “bombshell” was dropped on the family.

“After sharing this revelation with Mom and Dad. Dad started crying, like really crying,” Emily wrote in the email. “I've never seen him cry before. I believe it because he has been carrying around a lot of guilt all these years. Obviously, now knowing the truth, he is now having to deal with the consqueses of his actions. However, after several hours of talking, we all came to the conclusion that we needed to find you and make amends. I have spent hours trying to locate you, in the hopes that I could reach out and extend a heartfelt apology for the years of misunderstanding and mistreatment and hurt.”

woman on computer, family fights, forgiveness

A woman writing an email late at night.

via Muzuno K/Pexels

Receiving the email was an incredible shock, and FA wasn’t sure whether he would respond at all. “I'm, however indifferent to the idea,” FA admitted. “Like, I have no ill feelings towards [Emily]. She obviously was young and had no real say in the matter. But with lots and lots of therapy, I learned to let go of that hate and anger and to let go of them. As well with all the love I receive from my wife, kids and in-laws, it's all I really need.”

FA received countless comments from people who suggested some ways to respond to the to the email. Two days later, he shared his response to Emily in a new post:

Dear Emily,

I appreciate you taking the time to reach out to me, but I must be honest with you. The years of pain and hurt caused by the lies and manipulation by Mark and the betrayal by Dad have left deep scars that will never be truly healed. While I understand that you are now aware of the truth and are genuinely sorry for what has transpired, I find it difficult to simply forgive and forget.

The betrayal and abandonment I experienced at the hands of my own family have left me with a sense of distrust and resentment that can never be overcome. The damage that has been done has impacted me in ways that you may never ever fully and truly understand, and the idea of trying to reconcile now feels like an insurmountable task.

I have spent years in therapy trying to come to terms with the pain and deep trauma I endured, and I have worked hard to build a wonderful life for myself that does not rely on the presence or approval of those who turned their backs on me.

While I am grateful for the apology and the newfound awareness of the truth, I do not feel compelled to rekindle a relationship that was built on lies, deception and betrayal. Especially after all these years.

I have found peace and closure in distancing myself from those who caused me harm, and I do not see the need to reopen old wounds in the name of reconciliation. While I believe in the power of forgiveness, that isn't something I can give.

I wish you all the best in your life, I really do, but I must prioritize my emotional health and self-preservation above all else. I hope you can respect my decision and understand that the wounds of the past will take a lifetime to heal. I would appreciate if you pass this fact on to the others and please don't reach out again. I must look to my future and not my past.

Sincerely, [FA]

A man writes an email on his laptop

via Christian Hume/Unsplash

"This is a good response. You are letting them know that the door is closed, and you didn't give them any information on whether you have a family," Primierofilho wrote in the comments. "That’s (one of) my favorite parts of [FA's] beautifully eloquent reply. By denying his ex-family any information of how he is doing, they don’t get to know which way to turn their feelings," Darkstormchaser added.

One of the most powerful parts of FA’s letter is the clear reason why he will never be able to forgive them. Even though he believes in forgiveness, doing so would unravel a lot of the work he’s done to heal after the incredible, nearly insurmountable pain they have caused him.

Forgiveness was simply a bridge too far and FA should be proud that he drew up clear boundaries with his family. There was no reason why he should trade an ounce of his peace of mind in exchange for giving solace to those who abandoned him as a teen.

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