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Conflict expert shares the 1 phrase you can use to stop an argument from happening

It'll make people agree with you, too.

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A guy having a collaborative conversation.

The quickest way to stop having a constructive dialog with someone is when they become defensive. This usually results in them digging in their heels and making you defensive. This can result in a vicious cycle of back-and-forth defensive behavior that can feel impossible to break. Once that happens, the walls go up, the gloves come off and resolving the situation becomes tough.

Amanda Ripley, author of “High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out,” says in her book that you can prevent someone you disagree with from becoming defensive by being curious about their opinion. Ripley is a bestselling author and the co-founder of Good Conflict, a media and training company that helps people reimagine conflict.

How to have a constructive conversation

Let’s say you believe the room should be painted red and your spouse says it should be blue. Instead of saying, “I think blue is ugly,” you can say, “It’s interesting that you say that…” and ask them to explain why they chose blue.

The key phrase is: “It’s interesting that you say that…”


conversation, arguments, communication tipsPeople coming to an agreement. via Canva/Photos

When you show the other person that you genuinely care about their thoughts and appreciate their reasoning, they let down their guard. This makes them feel heard and encourages them to hear your side as well. This approach also encourages the person you disagree with to consider coming up with a collaborative solution instead of arguing to defend their position.

It’s important to assume the other person has the best intentions while listening to them make their case. “To be genuinely curious, we need to refrain from judgment and making negative assumptions about others. Assume the other person didn’t intend to annoy you. Assume they are doing the best they can. Assume the very best about them. You’ll appreciate it when others do it for you,” Kaitlyn Skelly at The Ripple Effect Education writes.

Phrases you can use to avoid an argument

The curiosity approach can also involve affirming the other person’s perspective while adding your own, using a phrase like, “On the one hand, I see what you’re saying. On the other hand…”

Here are some other phrases you can use:

“I wonder if…”

“It’s interesting that you say that because I see it differently…”

“I might be wrong, but…”

“How funny! I had a different reaction…”

“I hadn’t thought of it like that! For me, though, it seems…”

“I think I understand your point, though I look at it a little differently…”


conversation, arguments, communication tipsTwo men high-fiving one another.via Canva/Photos

What's the best way to disagree with people?

A 2016 study from Yale University supports Ripley’s ideas. The study found that when people argue to “win,” they take a hard line and only see one correct answer in the conflict. Whereas those who want to “learn” are more likely to see that there is more than one solution to the problem. At that point, competition magically turns into collaboration.

“Being willing to hear out other perspectives and engage in dialogue that isn’t simply meant to convince the other person you’re right can lead to all sorts of unexpected insights,” psychologist and marketing Professor at Southern Methodist University tells CNBC.

In a world of strong opinions and differing perspectives, curiosity can be a superpower that helps you have more constructive conversations with those with whom you disagree. All it takes is a little humility and an open mind, and you can turn conflict into collaboration, building bridges instead of walls.

This article originally appeared last year.

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Health

Clinical psychologist lists signs that mean it’s time to seek mental health help

In the end, wanting or needing someone to talk to is just as good as any other reason.

Dr. Julie|TikTok

Psychologist lists signs it's time to seek mental health care.

Knowing when to seek mental health care is not always as cut and dry as people may believe. Many people wrestle with whether or not they should speak to a therapist, psychiatrist or even their primary care physician about their struggles. Working in mental health, it often comes up that people minimize their own struggles with the thought that someone else has it worse so they shouldn't be struggling.

This may cause people to second guess when exactly they need to seek help. Dr. Julie, a clinical psychologist, posted a video on her TikTok page in order to help people figure out when they should seriously consider going to see a therapist. Some people may be surprised by the signals that indicate a need for therapy.

In the video, which has over 33k likes, Dr. Julie acts out different scenarios without speaking as what she's experiencing in those moments floats above her head in text overlay.

One of the very first signs that someone should consider therapy is, "Nothing seems to help and you're starting to feel hopeless." Hopelessness can be an indicator of depression, especially if it's paired with other things like not finding joy in things that used to make you happy or sleeping more often.

Another sign that Dr. Julie displayed on the screen was, "Your mood changes have persisted for several weeks or more." Again, barring a major life event like the loss of a loved one where feeling down is expected, this can signal depression. But what's most important to know is that any time you feel concerned about your mental health, you can seek therapy.

Therapy isn't something to be ashamed of or reserved for people who live with severe mental illnesses. In fact, you could simply need an unbiased perspective, want to gain tools for moments of stress or be experiencing a life change like a breakup. As a therapist myself, I want people to know that you don't have to be in distress to seek out therapy. Going for mental health maintenance is a perfectly acceptable reason.

Check out Dr. Julie's video below:

@drjuliesmith

Seek help any time you are concerned about your #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthsupport #psychologist

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Family

Therapist is creating a stir arguing that parents who fight create a toxic home for children

Kids shouldn't have to act like adults.

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Parents who just can't stop fighting

Whitney Goodman, a licensed marriage and family therapist, shared a video about kids who grew up in homes where their parents were always fighting, which made many people feel seen. It also started a conversation about who deserves more empathy in the parent-child relationship: the parents or the children.

Goodman is known as the “radically honest” psychotherapist and the author of “Toxic Positivity: Keeping it Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy.”

"If you grew up in this kind of house, you may have noticed that your family would split off into different alliances or teams to try to manage the material discord. Because the marriage wasn't a good or safe foundation for the family, everybody else had to kind of go and form these new teams,” Goodman explained in an Instagram post.

"Maybe you and your dad would team up and talk bad about your mom—and mom was crazy, and we need to fight against her. And maybe your other sibling was teamed up with your mom and would start acting like her and started to behave in similar ways, and everybody was, like, trying to find stability but also out to get one another at the same time," she continued.

Goodman believes that no matter how well a child deals with parents who are constantly in conflict, the outcome will never be optimal.

"You're all looking for safety and trying to find it in different ways, but you'll never be able to achieve the same type of stability you would have felt if your parents had that concrete stable relationship,” she added.

Many commenters could relate to the unstable feeling that Goodman described in her post and the stress of living in a divided family and playing on different teams.

"All of this, and it's so confusing when you're an only child and you end up 'bouncing' between teams," Amwahl added.

"100%. Teamed up with my dad only to realize as an adult that he’s the problem," lovisoctavia wrote.

"This happened to me growing up. Even to this day I have to remind my mom that I’m not interested in talking badly about dad," hawkmoonrising said in the comments.

The post also made some parents who may have gone through challenging times raising their kids ask for some sympathy as well. This begs the question, in these domestic situations, who deserves more compassion, the parent or the child?

Goodwin posted a follow-up video with her answer.

Goodman believes that when children grow up, their parents tend to view their past as if they went through the situation as the people they are now, not the helpless kid. This skews the power dynamic in the parents’ eyes and puts them on equal footing.

But in the end, the children had no choice in the situation.

“When we're having these conversations, this will always be true: The child was a child who was helpless, defenseless, and unable to care for themselves physically and emotionally,” Goodman said. “The adult had power and options. And when we keep that in mind, it makes the conversation a little bit more fair.”

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Health

Burnout has therapists seeking other careers when mental health care is needed more than ever

For a therapist, the decision to leave the field doesn’t come easily.

Photo by Alexander Pemberton on Unsplash

Therapists are leaving the profession, creating a shortage just when their services are most needed.

Most of us know that the pandemic has taken a significant toll on people's mental health. Everyone from young kids who missed out on important socialization and learning during the lockdowns to older adults who experienced isolation, to teens, college students, young people just starting out in the world of work and parents … every slice of the population had legitimate struggles. Those seeking therapy were often left stranded due to long waitlists or difficulty finding a therapist that accepts their insurance. That's if they were lucky enough to get a callback.

Therapists themselves have become so overwhelmed and badly burned out that many have just thrown in the towel, and the situation continues to get worse. I was one of those therapists! Walking away was the hardest thing I’ve done because of how much I care about the people I help.

For a therapist, the decision to leave the field doesn’t come easily. By nature, many therapists are compassionate and empathetic people who truly care about their clients and the practice of mental health. For some therapists, walking away can be a choice between life and death. Therapists being pushed to the brink of suicide is not unheard of. Some even succeed in taking their own lives. I knew several therapists who ended their lives, and I was forced to push through the grief until finally the overwhelm became unmanageable. I felt guilty adding to the shortage of therapists, but something had to give.

Like everyone else, therapists have been hit by the pandemic and other tragic events such as mass shootings, but unlike everyone else they are expected to hold the fear and pain of every client they see on top of their own. Many therapists have their own therapists to help them carry the load. The number of therapists to go around just isn’t enough.

Currently there are approximately 530,000 therapists in the United States to serve a population of 330 million people. This number includes clinical social workers, clinical psychologists, licensed counselors and marriage and family therapists, and it also includes those who have left the profession but maintained their license. Obviously every person in America isn’t seeking therapy but it’s clear that there’s a disparity in numbers.

therapist, therapy, burnout

Therapists have to hold everyone else's pain on top of their own.

Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

The exodus from the profession is more than simply the high demands of clients. There are multiple factors, including the grind of dealing with insurance companies, many of which require therapists to jump through a lot of hoops to get paid. Insurance companies often reimburse therapists well below what their actual rate of service is, and insurance companies are notorious for doing “clawbacks,” which is essentially when they take money back. Clawbacks can be done for minor things like using a 60-minute code instead of a 45-minute code even though you spent a full hour with the client. Some insurance companies don’t feel that every diagnosis deserves a 60-minute session. There have been reports of clawbacks being tens of thousands of dollars and collected several years after the date of service.

Big box therapy providers have also come in the mix, promising better hours and more control over schedules, only for therapists to feel duped and exploited. Companies like Better Help and Talkspace offer low rates of pay and often require overscheduling for a therapist to be able to make a decent salary without them having to hold a second job.

All in all, therapists are just tired, and trying to figure out what’s best for themselves as well as their clients in that state is not enjoyable or rewarding. For those seeking mental health services, the outlook is a little bleak. Of course, it is possible to find a mental health professionals to help, but it generally takes a good measure of time and effort to find the right one.

Directories such as Therapy Den and Psychology Today are good places to look to find a local therapist who is accepting new clients. Then there's Therapy for Black Girls and Clinicians of Color specifically for people looking for a Black, Indigenous or POC therapist. If you’re uninsured or underinsured you can search for a therapist offering low-cost slots on Open Path Collective.

It's not a stretch to say that the current system is broken, and that negatively impacts both therapists and clients. Of course, there are new therapists joining the profession, and therapists who have taken a step away may well rejoin the profession after a much-needed break. Let's hope that these professionals are eager (again) to help shoulder the problems of the world.

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