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Mom shares how to respond to an apology confidently. It's great advice for kids and adults.

Sometimes, "It's okay," just isn't okay.

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A man asking a woman for forgiveness

Yasmina Elmerkaoui, a beauty influencer and founder of Merkau, is getting a lot of love on TikTok because she reminds everyone that there is more than one way to respond to an apology. Sometimes, all you have to do is say, “Thank you.” If you were the one who was wronged, why does someone get to control your reaction just because they apologized?

Her thoughts were eye-opening to many people conditioned to give a knee-jerk “It’s okay” response when someone apologizes, even though what they ask forgiveness for probably isn’t “okay.” Elmerkaoui shared her thoughts on a September 2024 episode of the “Hanging for More” podcast she hosts with Maggie Younan.

What's the best way to respond to an apology?

“I’ve taught my kids to say, ‘Thank you for apologizing,’ rather than, ‘That’s OK,’ because the behavior isn’t OK,” Elmerkaoui says. “The apology is welcomed, so it also draws a line and reminds you, no, no, no, that isn’t OK.”

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How to respond to “sorry” 🙏

Elmerkaoui’s response provides a solid distinction between thanking someone for admitting they were wrong without going so far as condoning their actions. The “thank you” response is also a way to prevent people from acting out of line again. If you tell someone their bad behavior is “okay, " they are more likely to do it again, causing a terrible cycle of poor behavior and apologies. “It reminds everyone else in their life as well that the apology is welcome, but the behavior isn’t okay and I won’t accept it,” she continues.

Elmerkaoui doesn’t expect an “It’s okay” even from her own son because she believes it teaches him poor boundaries. “They say the same to me, like, ‘Thank you for apologizing,’” she goes on. “I’ll even pull them up if they say, ‘That’s okay.’ Noah, especially, he’s such a mama’s boy, he’s like, ‘Mom, that’s okay, you did nothing wrong.’ And I’m like, “No, I did.”


“This is so important. It’s not ok to mistreat others and hide behind an apology. It becomes a cycle,” Rafaela wrote in the comments. “There’s power in saying ‘I forgive you’ too when you genuinely do, but absolutely never ‘it’s fine,’” Allison added.

Some people had never even considered simply saying thank you. “Why have I never thought of this? I've been actively thinking of what a better response would be. I'm trying to stop saying "it's okay,’” Kaitlin wrote.

Karina Schumann, a psychology professor who studies conflict resolution, apologies, and forgiveness at the University of Pittsburgh, agrees with Elmerkaoui’s approach but stresses that we respond to the apology authentically. “It’s important to be genuine without being hostile,” says Schumann. “Research shows that using a ‘constructive voice’ — where you voice your concerns in a positive, calm way — is the most effective way to invite behavioral changes and better relationships. Sweeping things under the rug and pretending to forgive when you’re not ready are not going to fix the problem.”

Yasmina Elmerkaoui’s simple yet powerful apology approach brought up a meaningful conversation about authenticity and boundaries. Her advice to shift from saying “It’s okay” to “Thank you” encourages a healthier dynamic that doesn’t condone bad behavior but places a high value on accountability. It acknowledges the hurt while bringing things to a sincere resolution. Elmerkaoui’s advice reminds us that we may not be able to control how people treat us, but we have complete power over how we respond.

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Want to start an intriguing debate? Ask for people's thoughts on handwritten thank you notes

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

I belong to a private Facebook group filled with parents of teenagers and college-aged students, and due to the sheer number of people, it's not uncommon for differences of opinion to arise. Rarely, though, have I ever seen a debate as split as the one raised by a post about something seemingly benign: Handwritten thank-you notes.

A mom shared that she was requiring her graduating senior to write thank you cards—the old-fashioned variety, complete with handwritten note, envelope, and postage stamp—and that emailing, texting, or calling on the phone to say "thank you" were unacceptable alternatives. She said her son was writing the notes but didn't like it, and she blamed computers and having to type assignments all the time for his resistance.

Some parents will read that paragraph, nod along, and agree 100% with this mom.

Others say the method doesn't matter—it's the message that counts.

Within hours, more than a thousand comments poured in and the responses were sharply divided between the "Yes, written thank you notes only!" and "Oof, that's a really outdated notion." (Not that the idea of gratitude is outdated, but the idea that appreciation must be written by hand and sent in the mail.)

Some people chimed in to say that they don't give gifts with any expectation of thanks, but naturally, it's good to teach kids to express gratitude when someone gives a gift. The method, however, is up for debate.

There is something extra personal about seeing someone's handwriting and holding a tangible note in your hand, especially in an age where we don't get nearly as much mail as we used to. But is that just nostalgia from an era on its way out?

As some people pointed out, kids today live in a different world, one where environmental consciousness comes as naturally as technological know-how. Isn't it a waste of paper to send a note in an envelope when you can say the exact same thing in an email or a text? Do email or text actually feel less personal to young people who do much of their communication electronically?

And isn't it just as personal to call someone on the phone and thank them with your voice as it is to send them a note with your handwriting? Some seem to think so.

Perhaps it's just a matter of tradition and strict etiquette standards? This is the way I was taught things were done, therefore that's is the way it is and it's wrong to do it a different way?

Again, some seem to think so.


Some parents rightly pointed out that times change, and what previous generations did is not automatically better or more thoughtful than the way young people today might prefer to do things. As long as kids grow up knowing that it's appropriate to let someone know you received their gift and appreciate their generosity, what difference does it make how they do it?

For some people, it makes a lot of difference. The die-hard handwritten thank you note folks were quite adamant about their stance, to the point of withholding their kids' gifts and checks until the thank you cards were postmarked and in the mailbox.

Kudos to those parents for teaching their kids to say thanks, but they're also making a broad assumption that everyone prefers to receive a thank you card. Again, comments from others showed that's not the case.

Many people said that they just end up looking at a thank you note for a few seconds before throwing it away anyway, and that they'd actually prefer to get a phone call. Some went so far as to say they hate getting thank you notes, saying it's a waste of paper and money for postage and they prefer messages of gratitude that use fewer resources.

Scrolling through the responses, people's opinions seemed pretty much split half and half between "Only handwritten thank you notes, always" and "Doesn't matter how you say thanks as long as you say thanks."

Who knew the basic thank you note was such a hot topic of debate?

One thing we can all agree on is that it's polite to say thank you when someone gives you a gift. Regardless of the method by which you do so, acknowledging someone's thoughtfulness and expressing gratitude is a valuable life skill. So always say thanks—but maybe try not to get too hung up on how it's done.

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The beautiful way this daughter showed her single mom gratitude for all she's done.

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Minute Maid

Olivia Jones was just 3 years old when she lost her father, which broke her mom's heart on many levels.  

"One of the greatest regrets I have is that she didn’t get to use the word 'dad'," Olivia's mom, Janice, says.  

All photos via Minute Maid.

Suddenly, Janice was the sole breadwinner, but she lacked the degree to land a career that would allow her to maintain the status quo at home. So, after taking time to grieve, Janice went back to school.

"I needed to have a career with a future," Janice explains.

Going back to school while continuing to work and take care of Olivia was far from easy, but Janice refused to give up.

Eventually, she managed to provide for her family the way she wanted to but at a cost. Keeping up with school and work as a single parent meant she had to sacrifice time with Olivia.

Little did she know just how much Olivia recognized and appreciated all her mom's efforts.

“She was doing it to make a better life for us, which is incredible," Olivia says.

Check out the Joneses' full story:

Olivia wanted to do something special for her mom, so she started putting together a carefully curated care package.

Olivia Jones.

Her mom had been sending her care packages ever since she started college, so Olivia felt it was about time she return the favor.

She filled it with lots of fun little trinkets, cards that her mom sent during her first year at school, and family photos. She also wrote her a note thanking her for going above and beyond to give Olivia a steady life.

"Dear mom, I am so thankful to have you in my life. I can’t imagine how difficult it must’ve been while being a single mom. You played the role of both mom and dad. You were struggling to do so, but you never ever let me know or made me feel guilty. You allowed me to be a child. I don’t know who or where I would be without you. I love you, and just know that you are the best mom anyone could hope for. Love, Olivia."

If that wasn't enough to get her mom crying, Olivia's reverse care package also came with a special, unexpected surprise.

Olivia hugging her mom.

Some things don't fit in boxes.

Janice and Olivia's story reminds us that single parents are amazing, and it's important to celebrate them once in a while.

They may not always get it right, and disappointments along the way are inevitable, but parents like Janice prove they'll go the distance to keep their kids healthy, happy, and safe. In that way, they're like superheroes, and Olivia certainly sees the proverbial cape her mom wears.

Hopefully the beautiful way she showed her appreciation for her mom will inspire other kids of single parents to do the same.

"I don’t know who or where I would be without you. I love you, and just know that you are the best mom anyone could hope for."

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Why Halifax sends Boston an amazing thank-you gift every year.

This is what gratitude is all about.

Every year, Boston gets a giant, free Christmas tree as a present.

Photo via iStock.

The tree is a gift from the city of Halifax, Nova Scotia, and has been sent every year since the 1970s. It sits in Boston Common and is the city's official Christmas tree.

Bostonians should be super proud of that tree. I mean, it's a handsome tree. Nice branches. Very tall. No galls or loose monkeys or whatever passes as ugly in the world of trees. But the real reason Bostonians should be proud isn't about the tree; it's about why they get the gift in the first place.

This is a story about what makes me really, really like humanity.

Let's go back to 1917 and the site of a terrible tragedy.

In 1917, World War I was in full swing and Halifax was a major refitting station for ships throughout the Atlantic. People, relief supplies, and weapons poured from there and into The Great War.

Despite this huge role, Halifax was peaceful. But on Dec. 6, 1917, two ships collided in the harbor. This wouldn't have been a serious problem except that one of them, the Mont Blanc, caught fire.

The Mont Blanc was carrying more than 2,000 tons of explosives. 20 minutes after the collision, the flames found the munitions.

The resulting explosion was unlike anything the world had ever experienced.

At the time, the Halifax explosion was the largest manmade blast ever. It took the invention of nuclear weapons to top it.

1,600 homes were destroyed, and thousands were killed or injured. Nearly the entire north half of the city was gone. The city of Dartmouth, a local Mi'kmaq settlement, and the black community of Africville were also destroyed.

Civilians, firefighters, police, and soldiers immediately organized a relief effort. They fought fires, freed trapped people, and even commandeered cars to act as emergency ambulances. It was long, exhausting work.

Two days later, a train pulled up and immediately distributed a ton of relief straight into Halifax's arms.

The train was packed with food, water, medical supplies — pretty much everything the city needed. Relief workers jumped out, running into the city to relief the exhausted Halifaxians.

Where had it come from? Boston.

Two days before, someone had managed to get a telegraph to Boston, over 400 miles away. Within hours, they'd organized a relief train, sending it north — through a blizzard! — to get Halifax help.

Boston wasn't the only city to help out, but Halifax remembered that train.

The next year, Boston received a giant tree from Halifax as an epic thank-you note.

Later, in the 1970s, the Nova Scotian government decided to revive the practice, turning it into a tradition. They take the tree very seriously; they even employ a Christmas tree specialist to locate and procure a perfect, wild tree.

Photo via iStock.

Humans can be mean and selfish and weird; it's true. But we also have an undeniable instinct to help each other out.

Whenever there's a crisis, you'll also find people helping — newlyweds helping to feed refugees or even the U.S. sending an aircraft carrier to Haiti after Hurricane Matthew.

So Bostonians should be proud of their tree. It's a big, physical reminder that when we can help each other out, we do.

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