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Motivation expert's two-word theory frees you from taking it personally when others let you down

You don't need to take responsibility for everyone.

via TEDx SF/Flickr

Mel Robbins giving a TEDx speech.

One of the most disappointing aspects of life is that, at some point, everyone close to you will eventually let you down or fall short of your expectations. Some have slip-ups and fall short of what you'd expect, and some consistently let you down your entire life.

It can be deflating when people don’t show up when you need them, especially if you have been there for them. When you need people and they don’t show up, it feels like you’re carrying a burden that you can never get off your back. That’s why Mel Robbins’ two-word “Let them” theory is so powerful. It liberates you from constantly feeling controlled by those who let you down.

What is the ‘Let them’ theory?

Mel Robbins is a podcast host, author, motivational speaker, former lawyer, and author of The Let Them Theory. In the TikTok video below, she explains how allowing people to be themselves gives you the power to improve the things you can control, instead of suffering in the same cycle of expectations and disappointments.

@melrobbins

People can only meet you as far as they've met themselves... and a lot of them haven't done the work. Listen to The Let Them Theory, narrated by yours truly, only on @audible 💚 #melrobbins #letthem #letthemtheory People can only meet you as far as they've met themselves... and a lot of them haven't done the work. Listen to The Let Them Theory, narrated by yours truly, only on @Audible 💚 #melrobbins #letthem #letthemtheory

The “Let them” practice begins by acknowledging that others are imperfect and we cannot change them. “People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves. Most people haven't gone to therapy, they haven't looked at their issues, and frankly, they don't want to. Let them. Let your parents be less than what you deserved," she opens the video. "Let your family life be something that isn't a fairy tale. Try to remind yourself that they're just doing the best they can with the resources and the life experiences they have."

mel robbins, motivation expert, mel robbins podcast, let them theory, microphoneMotivation expert Mel Robbins.Photo © Cody OLoughlin (PR Photo)

While it can be hard to admit that some of the most important people in your life will never turn things around to your satisfaction, accepting that reality is the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. “But here's the important part,” Robbins continues. “Now that you know the 'Let them' theory, you get to choose what happens moving forward, because you're gonna focus on what you can control, which is what you say, what you do, what you value, and what energy you bring to the relationship.”

Put simply: Now that you allow them to be who they are, you can act accordingly. You can stop carrying the weight of unmet expectations.

What is the locus of control?

Robbins’ theory is a simple way of understanding the locus of control psychological concept. The locus of control is the extent to which we believe we have control over our own lives. When our actions, thoughts, and feelings are contingent on events (and people) outside of our control, we have an external locus of control. The healthy thing is to revert that to an internal locus of control, where we believe we control the outcomes of our actions. Those with an internal locus of control tend to be less influenced by others, work hard to get what they want, and report being happier, and more independent.

mel robbins, motivation expert, mel robbins podcast, let them theory, psychologyMotivation expert Mel Robbins.Photo via © Tony Luong (PR Photo)

“The only person you can change is you,” Robbins says at the end of her video. "When you say ‘Let them,’ you see your family exactly as they are, perhaps for the very first time in your life. They're human. You have no control over what's happened. You have no control over who they are. You can only control what you do from this point forward. Accepting the reality of your situation doesn't mean you're surrendering to it. Instead, it's about reclaiming your power to shape your future.”

Now that you’ve taken control of your future, what are you going to do with it?

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People rally around wife who stopped cooking for her husband with 'extreme' dietary needs

Where would you draw the line?

via Canva/Photos

A woman is depressed over her husbands restrictive diet.

A woman (42) is wondering whether she's correct in feeling that she’s been pushed too far by her neurodivergent husband (48), who has extreme dietary restrictions. “My husband is ND and extremely successful in his career, but struggles with day-to-day functioning. He has a lot of dietary restrictions, and over the years, I was happy to work around those--mostly, we now eat homemade salad and baked chicken, in various forms. Unfortunately, this resulted in a situation where I do ALL the cooking,” she writes.

Her husband also suffered from long-term COVID, which has added to his dietary restrictions, and he has become allergic to wood dust and the gas stove, so she has to cook his chicken in a tiny toaster oven. In addition, she does the majority of household chores while working as an academic at 2 different schools. She has also recently lost her father, to which she was the primary caretaker.

To make things worse, he hasn’t made an effort to get professional help for his problems. “He has pursued no medical solution aside from an inhaler from his PCP. His symptoms are mysterious and variable. He has not seen an allergist or rheumatologist in spite of my pleading,” the woman said.

couples, upset couple, dietary restrictionsA couple haing a disagreement.via Canva/Photos

“This morning, finally, I realized that perhaps I needed to remove myself from this whole emotional food-centered loop and told my husband he can cook and shop for himself, and I will cook and shop for myself and the dogs. He was not happy about this at all,” she concluded her post on the AITA Reddit subforum. She asked the subforum if she was doing the right thing and received tremendous support for a decision that she wasn’t very sure about.

The sticking point with many commenters was that the husband has done little to get help for his ailments and still expects his wife to do everything.

“Are you saying your husband has decided that he has all of those bizarre allergies (wood dust, gas stove, etc) on his own without meeting with an allergist?” one commenter wrote. “He is putting an insane burden on you and doing nothing to help. I’ll be honest — he’s mean and selfish for expecting you to sacrifice your quality of life for all of his whatnot. I would for sure stop cooking for him. I would cook my own food however I want to. I would tell him if he doesn’t go to multiple doctors to assess all this, then the marriage is over.”

Another commenter thought that she was doing the right thing. “Stop. Just stop the madness. In addition to cooking your own meals, use the gas stove until he sees a medical provider and assign him some chores. Is he going to like it? Probably not. But listen to yourself: you are exhausted, traumatized, lost, and angry. If anyone needs self-care, it’s you,” another commenter wrote.

“That’s not a husband, that’s a leech, and you’re a servant. I hope you get yourself out of this. Life can be hard, but it shouldn’t be this miserable,” a commenter wrote.

allergies, long covid, sneezeA man blowing his nose.via Canva/Photos

Another interesting topic discussed in the thread is seldom discussed: long-term COVID is associated with developing new allergies. So, that could be a reason why he’s developed more allergies recently. However, that doesn’t free him from the responsibility of seeing a doctor to get help for his numerous ailments.

Finally, the woman’s post and the helpful comments helped her make peace with her decision to stop cooking for her husband. It’s a great example of how random people on the internet can be a big help. Thank you. “I didn’t expect so many people to have insights into what felt like the impossible frustrations of this situation,” she wrote. “It feels much less impossible when other people share that their own families are experiencing similar things in different ways.”

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Supportive husband writes a fantastic 'love list' to his depressed wife

“He knows I struggle to see good in the world, and especially the good in myself. But here it is."

Image from Imgur.

Husband shares a list of love with his wife.

Imgur user "mollywho" felt her life was falling apart. Not only was she battling clinical depression, but she had her hands full.

"I've been juggling a LOT lately," she wrote on Imgur. "Trying to do well at work. Just got married. Couldn't afford a wedding. Family is sparse. Falling out with friends, yaddadyadda.”

She was also upset about how she treated her new husband.

"I've not been the easiest person to deal with. In fact, sometimes I've lost all hope and even taken my anger out on my husband."


When she returned home from a business trip in San Francisco, mentally exhausted, she collapsed on her bed and cried. Then she noticed some writing on the bedroom mirror. It was a list that read:

Reasons I love my wife

1. She is my best friend
2. She never quits on herself or me
3. She gives me time to work on my crazy projects
4. She makes me laugh, every day
5. She is gorgeous
6. She accepts the crazy person i am
7. She's the kindest person i know
8. She's got a beautiful singing voice

9. She's gone to a strip club with me
10. She has experienced severe tragedy yet is the most optimistic person about humanity i know
11. She has been fully supportive about my career choices and followed me each time
12. Without realizing it, she makes me want to do more for her than i have ever wanted to do for anyone
13. She's done an amazing job at advancing her career path
14. Small animals make her cry
15. She snorts when she laughs

love letters, support, marriage, mental illness

The list of love.

Image from Imgur.

This amazing show of support from her husband was exactly what she needed. "I think he wanted me to remember how much he loves me," she wrote. "Because he knows how quickly I forget. He knows I struggle to see good in the world, and especially the good in myself. But here it is. A testament and gesture of his love. Damn, I needed it today…"

She ended her post with some powerful words about mental illness.

"I'm not saying mental illness is cured by nice words on a mirror. In fact, it takes professional care, love, empathy, sometimes even medication just to cope. Many people struggle with it mental illness - more than we probably even realize. And instead of showing them hate or anger when they act out. Show them kindness and remind them things can and WILL get better. Everyone needs a little help sometimes. If that person can't be you - see if you have any resources for therapy."


This article originally appeared on 12.10.15

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Identity

A Texas dad gave a heart-wrenching speech about his trans son. It's a must-see.

Ken Ballard wants you to know his son's story.

Photo pulled from video

Texas dad giving heartfelt speech.

A baseball cap on his head, his hands tucked snugly in his front blue jean pockets, Ken Ballard stood in front of a room of onlookers, admittedly a little out of his element.

But the issue at hand was so critical, Ballard said, he couldn't keep quiet.

Ballard was speaking during Texas' 85th Legislative Session this past winter about his 14-year-old transgender son, Ashur, who attempted suicide twice.

Ashur, like many trans people, had wrestled with his identity in a world where ignorance and irrational fear-mongering continue harming people like him.

"Was I going to be his bully?" an emotional Ballard said in response to his son's coming out. "Was I going to try and put him back into a box that fit the rules of my world at the time or wait it out and see if it would just pass and go back to the way it’d use to be?"

Advocacy group Equality Texas, who's worked with Ballard in fighting for LGBTQ rights in the state, recently shared a video of him speaking during the session. Although it was captured on video several months ago, Ballard's emotional plea in front of his fellow Texans is just now making waves online.

Since Equality Texas shared the video on Facebook, the comment section has filled with loving messages of support and admiration.

The comments, although mostly positive, are a bit bittersweet to Ballard.

"I ... see comments that too many parents missed out on what could have been an amazing journey for them and their child by not accepting them," Ballard explains. "Be as excited about your kid's life as you were at the sonogram, when 'we are having a baby' was enough."

The ongoing debate over trans rights isn't isolated in Ballard's home state. Legislatures at both the state and local level across the country are pushing forward with harmful bills this very moment.

A recently proposed Texas "bathroom bill" — which would have forced trans Texans to use the restroom that corresponds with the sex they were assigned at birth (not the gender they identify) — was just rejected by House Speaker Joe Straus, which was great news for human rights groups like Equality Texas.

But there's still much at stake in the Lone Star State and in jurisdictions from coast to coast.

A handful of states, including Montana, Virginia, and Minnesota — as well as local school boards spanning the U.S. — deliberating similar bathroom bills. Research shows these laws leave trans people even more vulnerable to dangerous circumstances in their own communities — yet, their passing doesn't protect anyone.

Chances are, equality — and trans lives — might be at stake in your own region of the country.

As for Ballard and Ashur, they're living proof that acceptance and inclusion save lives.

And, as Ballard's moving speech illustrates so well, it's important our laws reflect that critical reality.

"I've watched a kid go from someone who, 26 months ago, was in despair," Ballard says of his son's mental health. "Now, [he's] flourishing."


This article originally appeared on 07.06.17

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