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Therapist shares her 'one rule' for new stepparents that puts their role in proper perspective

Knowing your role in a child's life can be confusing.

via Cava/Photos

A stepmother and her stepdaughter.

New stepparents face many challenges when navigating a complex dynamic when they become part of a family. The stepchildren may feel loyal to the biological parent, making bonding or getting along tricky. They also have to forge a positive relationship with their new spouse's ex-partner, who may be bitter about the breakup or protective of their children.

Stepparents may also feel like they don’t belong and have a hard time finding their role in the household. Abby, a Licensed Professional Counselor, recently shared on TikTok the “one rule” that stepparents should follow when forging a relationship with their stepkids, and it should bring them some comfort in a stressful situation.

How can new step-parents create a good relationship with their step-children?

“Let’s not overcomplicate it. Let’s not panic. There are a lot things about being a stepparent that are challenging,” Abby says in her video. “And you probably didn’t expect it, and you’re figuring it out, but there is one rule. That rule is: the kid decides your relationship and the pace of your relationship. That is the only way to have a healthy relationship. You cannot force it. You cannot make them treat you as a mom if they don’t feel that you’re a mom.”

@abbytherapist

Step parent relationships can be complex, give it time, don’t push it. #blendedfamily #coparenting #stepparents #stepmom #bonusmom #momlife #motherhood

Abby’s advice makes sense because every child is going to have different needs and expectations from a stepparent, and a lot of that has to do with their relationship with their biological parents. Some children may rush to embrace a new parental figure, while others may take time to adjust to the new stepparents because they don't want to betray their biological parents.

Further, it’s impossible to make anyone love you, let alone like you, whether it’s a romantic relationship or you are joining a new family. Just because you married a child’s parent doesn’t mean they’ll automatically take a shine to you, and forcing yourself into their lives might make it harder for them to feel comfortable around you.

stepchildren, stepmoms, step-dads, stepparenting, therapist advice, A step mom bonding with her stepson.via Cava/Photos

How to build a strong relationship with my step-children.

Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph. D., also believes that new stepparents should refrain from rushing into relationships with their new stepchildren, especially if they are teenagers. "As an introducer of family change, starting a new practice, stopping one that is old, and increasing or decreasing the frequency of some family behavior, I believe it’s generally best to go slow,” Pickhardt writes at Psychology Today. “First, fit into the ongoing family before trying to fit it to the stepparent. Allow adequate time for everyone to just get used to living with each other.”


stepparent, stepchildren, family, modern family, relationshipsA step-mom fights with her teenage stepson. via Cava/Photos

Pickhardt adds that new stepparents should avoid creating early resentment by being too demanding. They should also put their young marriage ahead of parenting duties and refrain from trying too hard to impress the children. Finally, they should be open with their new spouse about any discomfort they may feel adopting the new role.

Abby’s belief in allowing the children to decide their relationships, especially in the beginning, may be frustrating to some new stepparents who want to jump right in and create a happy family. But her advice should also be a bit of a relief. You don’t have to do it all yourself, so it’s time to listen to the child and be there for them however they choose. That, in turn, should create a deeper relationship in the long run.

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5 things stepkids want stepparents everywhere to know.

This article originally appeared on 07.20.16


I'm somebody's stepchild.

My sons are my husband's stepsons. Needless to say, I've been around the block a couple of times when it comes to blended families.

Image via iStock.

To a stepchild, gaining a new parent can be curious, exciting, troublesome, or unsettling. A young child might reject the new stepparent or they might have high expectations that a new person would assume this role with ease. And combining two households into one can be challenging and stressful, but if it's done with care and consideration, it can also be beautiful.

I was curious though: What are the some things stepkids want their new family members to think about before the families merge? A few stepchildren, young and old, chimed in to answer my questions, and I've condensed their surprising and important answers below.

1. "Remember, I was here first."

Stepkids aren't saying you should bow to their every whim and make them first in every situation from now on, but before you were there, they were the center of their parent's attention. Now that you are around, so many things have changed for them. Let them have as much of the “same old" relationship they had with their parent as possible. Give them opportunities to still be in the spotlight when it comes to special routines and one-on-one time with their parent.

Image via iStock.

2. "Make me feel like you're glad that I'm around."

This might not always be an easy thing to do, and it might not be natural. As a stepparent, you might even have to pretend for awhile. Stepparents and stepkids have to get to know each other, and you might not know how to get to know your stepchild. Ask them (or their parent) about things they're interested in and try to find common ground. You might enjoy one another's company right away or it might take a very long time. But if you seem uncomfortable around them, they're going to be uncomfortable around you.

3. "Please do not speak harshly about the people I love."

If you have a lot of trouble with one of your stepchild's siblings, close friends, or relatives, please refrain from discussing this with or in front of your stepkid. If you have gripes about their parent, please understand that their loyalty to them will always be greater than their loyalty to you. And if you have bad things to say about their other parent, please realize that this will only cause more division between you.

4. "Please be patient with me."

Neither a stepparent or a stepchild knows how to do this “right." Stepkids might be uncertain, afraid, reluctant, or insecure about your presence for reasons that have nothing to do with you personally. Sometimes they won't respond or behave the way you think they should. Unless they're doing something highly inappropriate or dangerous, please give your stepkid space and time to adjust to your presence.

5. "Don't ask me to change too many things."

Your stepkid and their parent have been doing things a certain way for a long time before you came into their lives. You might see a lot of things that need improvement. Remember, though, things are about to change a lot for both you and them. Be careful not to pull the well worn, comfortable rug out from under them. You will both learn to live with each other if you are patient. Let the little things slide while you are still getting to know each other.

Image via iStock.

There will be bad days, good days, and in-between days for new families.

There will be many celebrations, many awkward moments, many victories, and many mistakes. Becoming a blended family isn't always easy — but it is a task worth taking on with empathy and compassion, and a little bit of humor too!

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