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Stay-at-home mom shares the frustrating thing it took 8 years to learn about her role

"What’s a safe and secure childhood worth? Nothing technically, but also the entire world."

via EclecticHomeSchooling/TikTok (used with permission)

Syd explains one of the most frustrating parts of being a stay-at-home-mom.

There are many ways for people with careers to feel validated. You can get a raise, a promotion, a great review from your manager, or a professional award. You can also be someone respected in your profession and a mentor to younger people entering your field. These forms of validation help someone feel valuable and accomplished and are all tangible in some way. You can say, "I’m now the vice president of manufacturing," "I won the Excellence in Sales Award," or "I have a larger number on my paycheck."

Syd, a stay-at-home mom named @eclectichomeschooling on TikTok, shared that, unfortunately, moms who work in the home have a hard time finding that same feeling of validation.

stay-at-home mom, motherhoodHow do you measure success as a stay-at-home mom?Giphy

“Something that I think that a lot of people don’t realize about being a stay-at-home mom, whether you are a homeschool mom or your kids are young and you’re staying home with them during those years, is that there’s no measurement of success. There’s no metric,” she begins her video.

“There’s no one saying, ‘Congratulations, you have been promoted; you are the top of the top of this skill.’ None of that,” she continued. There is no award for an outstanding stay-at-home mom, and there is no manager to give her a review or promotion.

She says that being a good mother to her kids “feels good” and “makes us happy” but argues that it isn’t something you can “hold” or “write down.”

@eclectichomeschooling

It’s everyone’s favorite time of the month! Where I post insane, 3-5 minute, PMS ramblings about motherhood! Okay love you, bye! 😎


“We’re going on eight years of not being able to measure [success],” she continued. “I think that that’s a thing that nobody really talks about or that we don’t really get to talk about with each other. Your partner goes to work: they get promoted, they get raises, they complete their work for the day and they ... get to be like, ‘OK, I succeeded.’ But my [work] is just constant, all of the time, and there’s no metric for it.”

The dishes that Syd cleans will be dirty the next day. The laundry she folds on Monday will be worn on Tuesday and rewashed on Friday.

motherhood, homemaking, stay-at-home mom, laundryWork done in the home is never "done" and often goes unrecognized. Photo credit: Canva

Although Syd has yet to find a solution to this problem, she sees other ways to get the validation she craves. “It’s hard, especially because a lot of us don’t prioritize hobbies for ourselves. That’s a great place for us to find success or a feeling of accomplishment,” she said.

Syd’s video struck a chord with many stay-at-home mothers feeling the same way.

A commenter named Leigh noted that the need for external validation comes from the corporate culture in which Americans are raised. “On my best days, it is interesting to notice how tied we are to corporate-style success. On my worst, it is inescapably crushing,” she wrote in the most popular comment.

“It's the neverending loops that are never complete. We never get the satisfaction of a ‘job well done’ because nothing is ever really done,” Hazel added. “Once I started focusing on my own happiness, it got better.”

According to Love, the lack of praise for a job well done also means that it’s easy to be criticized. “When you’re doing everything right, there’s no praise, etc., but if you do anything wrong or are not perfect, then the issue gets thrown in your face in every way. So you end up feeling like a failure,” she wrote.

Syd told Upworthy that her followers have tried to help her recontextualize her feelings of worth. “Since the video, I’ve had a lot of conversations with moms about how we measure worth by being very wrapped up in productivity through a capitalist lens. It can be tough to divest from that, but it is also so important. Like, what’s a safe and secure childhood worth? Nothing technically, but also the entire world. We do that!” she told Upworthy.

motherhood, stay-at-home mom Validation comes in different ways for stay-at-home moms.Photo credit: Canva

She adds that a few of her followers suggested she should take up martial arts as a hobby. “I’m still pondering that one,” she told Upworthy.

Ultimately, Syd’s realization could have caused her to feel down about herself or resign to a never-ending feeling of being unfulfilled. However, she’s seen it as an opportunity to reevaluate her sense of self-worth and possibly as a reason to branch off into new and exciting hobbies outside her family.

This article originally appeared last year.

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Motherhood

New study determines the whopping yearly dollar value of a mother's work

Mom's aren't asking for a paycheck, but even just a smidge of support would be nice.

Unsplash

Moms carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. We know about the mental load and the stress and the impossible-to-meet expectations, but then there’s the physical workload, too: The hours of cleaning done every year, countless loads of laundry, untold amounts of time shuttling kids back and forth to school and friends’ houses and practice, the dozens of quick trips to the store and hours spent meal planning and cooking. If you were going to pay a person to do all of that for you, there’s no telling what it might cost! Or is there?

A new study from the folks at Insure.com has done the math and estimated that the average mother’s “salary”, a fair wage to compensate for all the hours worked — that normally go completely uncompensated! — would be $140,315.

That's up from the same group's estimate of $116,022 in 2021. A separate study also done in 2021 put the number at around $184k.

The number isn't pulled from thin air. It's based on the fair market value of real work.

mom in white long sleeve shirt reading to baby in white onesie Photo by Wesley Mc Lachlan on Unsplash

The team used the Bureau of Labor and Statistics to find out how much money, on average, a cook makes, and then multiplied that number by the hours moms spend cooking. Then you have the cost of a tutor times the hours mom spends helping with homework. And so on.

To put it into perspective, that’s a sweet six figure salary, more than your average accountant or consultant makes, and not far off from the salary of a pediatrician! Sadly, not only do moms not get paid for their efforts, we actually often view the time spent parenting and running a household as worthless. Just ask any mom that’s tried to re-enter the working world after taking a few years off to stay at home how valuable that experience is.

Worse still, a lot of moms pull off this ridiculous workload while holding down a full-time job that probably doesn't even pay as much!

Of course, moms aren’t actually asking to be paid for all this labor (though they wouldn’t mind).

Some groups have actually proposed regular stipends for moms, but generally, people don't get paid for taking care of their own lives. It'd be great if we all earned extra cash by doing our laundry or mowing our own lawn, or even taking care of our children.

Instead of forking over $140k per year to every mother in America — we could ask the kids to pay, but I don’t think most of their piggy banks have enough scratch — we should be asking why it's so damn hard to be a mom in the first place, and if there are ways that we could ease up some of that workload. In fact, there are:


mom hugging child Photo by Eye for Ebony on Unsplash

Affordable childcare. Childcare workers are underpaid, too, and yet somehow daycare is completely unaffordable for many families. It’s not worth it for a lot of moms to pursue a career when they’re just going to hand over their entire paycheck, and then some, to daycare. The government could and should invest in subsidies or a universal childcare program to make this more accessible.

Retirement and insurance options. Many other countries have figured out ways to account for some of the value of stay-home caregivers by making contributions to a pension or retirement. Most experts agree that stay-at-home moms need life insurance, but... who's paying for it? Remember, that $140k is only hypothetical. Attaching a number to the work moms do, especially stay-at-home moms, seems like an exercise just to prove a point – but it’s actually more practical than that. It illustrates the need for society to recognize how much it would actually cost to replace everything that a mom does if the unthinkable were to occur.

Helping moms get back to work (if they want to). Ever heard of the motherhood penalty? It's the idea that the wage gap, which is already substantial, is even worse for moms. They earn about 71 cents for every dollar that a dad earns in the workplace. It's also harder for them to re-enter the workforce if they took time off to stay-at-home, and once there, they're more likely to get passed up for promotions. Some estimates say being a mom costs working women about $16,000 a year. (Yeesh, this is really adding up.)

woman holding baby sitting on green grass field under sunset Photo by Edward Cisneros on Unsplash

Fathers do a lot of unpaid labor at home too, but the proverbial deck is really stacked against mothers.

There is still a large disparity in who’s doing more around the house and with the kids, and it’s much more common for moms to stay at home, work part time, or otherwise sacrifice their career and earning potential. When you add it all up, $140,000 sounds like a lot of money but it's really barely scratching the surface. There's no cook in the world that can replace mom's love-filled recipes, no driving-service that could replicate laughing and singing along with mom on the way to school. I think if you were to take that money and actually try to replace everything a mom does, you'd quickly discover about a million little things that could never, ever be accounted for.

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Family

Stay-at-home-mom shares the incredibly frustrating thing that took 8 years to realize

“I think that that’s a thing that nobody really talks about."

via EclecticHomeSchooling/TikTok (used with permission)

Syd explains one of the most frustrating parts of being a stay-at-home-mom.

There are many ways for people with careers to feel validated. You can get a raise, a promotion, a great review from your manager, or a professional award. You can also be someone respected in your profession and a mentor to younger people entering your field. These forms of validation help someone feel valuable and accomplished and are all tangible in some way. You can say, "I’m now the vice president of manufacturing," "I won the Excellence in Sales Award," or "I have a larger number on my paycheck."

Syd, a stay-at-home mom named @eclectivhomeschooling on TikTok, recently shared that, unfortunately, moms who work in the home have a hard time finding that same feeling of validation. “Something that I think that a lot of people don’t realize about being a stay-at-home mom, whether you are a homeschool mom or your kids are young and you’re staying home with them during those years, is that there’s no measurement of success. There’s no metric,” she begins her video.

“There’s no one saying ‘congratulations, you have been promoted; you are the top of the top of this skill.’ None of that,” she continued. There is no award for an outstanding stay-at-home mom, and there is no manager to give her a review or promotion.

She says that being a good mother to her kids “feels good” and “makes us happy” but argues that it isn’t something you can “hold” or “write down.”

@eclectichomeschooling

It’s everyone’s favorite time of the month! Where I post insane, 3-5 minute, PMS ramblings about motherhood! Okay love you, bye! 😎

“We’re going on eight years of not being able to measure [success],” she continued. “I think that that’s a thing that nobody really talks about or that we don’t really get to talk about with each other. Your partner goes to work: they get promoted, they get raises, they complete their work for the day and they ... get to be like, ‘OK, I succeeded.’ But my [work] is just constant, all of the time, and there’s no metric for it.”

The dishes that Syd cleans will be dirty the next day. The laundry she folds on Monday will be worn on Tuesday and rewashed on Friday.

Although Syd has yet to find a solution to this problem, she sees other ways to get the validation she craves. “It’s hard, especially because a lot of us don’t prioritize hobbies for ourselves. That’s a great place for us to find success or a feeling of accomplishment,” she said.



Syd’s video struck a chord with many stay-at-home mothers feeling the same way.

A commenter named Leigh noted that the need for external validation comes from the corporate culture in which Americans are raised. “On my best days, it is interesting to notice how tied we are to corporate-style success. On my worst, it is inescapably crushing,” she wrote in the most popular comment.

“It's the neverending loops that are never complete. We never get the satisfaction of a ‘job well done’ because nothing is ever really done,” Hazel added. “Once I started focusing on my own happiness, it got better.”

According to Love, the lack of praise for a job well done also means that it’s easy to be criticized. “When you’re doing everything right, there’s no praise, etc., but if you do anything wrong or are not perfect, then the issue gets thrown in your face in every way. So you end up feeling like a failure,” she wrote.



Syd told Upworthy that her followers have tried to help her recontextualize her feelings of worth. “Since the video, I’ve had a lot of conversations with moms about how we measure worth by being very wrapped up in productivity through a capitalist lens. It can be tough to divest from that, but it is also so important. Like, what’s a safe and secure childhood worth? Nothing technically, but also the entire world. We do that!” she told Upworthy.

She adds that a few of her followers suggested she should take up martial arts as a hobby. “I’m still pondering that one,” she told Upworthy.

Ultimately, Syd’s realization could have caused her to feel down about herself or resign to a never-ending feeling of being unfulfilled. However, she’s seen it as an opportunity to reevaluate her sense of self-worth and possibly as a reason to branch off into new and exciting hobbies outside her family.

This article originally appeared last year.

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Family

Texas UPS driver proudly explains why he never helps his wife do any chores

“I don’t help her clean, do laundry, take care of the kids — none of that.”

via minton__jr/TikTok and Alex Green/Pexels

J.R. Minton's video has over 6 million views.

Even though America has come a long way in gender relations over the past few decades men are still far behind women when accepting domestic responsibilities.

A recent study from the Bureau of Labor Statistics' American Time Use Survey found that women aged 15 and over spend 5.7 hours daily on domestic tasks, whereas men spend 3.6 hours, a 37 percent difference. Women with a 35-hour week devote 4.9 hours daily to home chores and child care, compared to men's 3.8 hours.

In a world where men still trail behind women when it comes to work on the home front, a Texas UPS driver is going viral for a TikTok video where he urges men to reconsider how they think about domestic responsibilities.

In a video with over 6 million views, J.R. Minton proudly says he doesn’t “help” his wife with jobs around the house. “I don’t help my wife cook. I don’t help her clean, do laundry, take care of the kids — none of that,” Minton, 32, began his clip.

Warning: Strong language.

So, why does Minton refuse to help his wife?

"Because I do what I am supposed to do as a father and a husband. I cook. I clean. I do the laundry. I take care of the kids. I can't help my wife do those things because they are my job, too,” he reveals.

He then urged men to change their perspectives on how they view their relationship to domestic responsibilities and their wives. “Change the way you speak, change the way you think, and grow the f*** up and be a man," he added.

The video received raves from women in the comments. Sadly, many used the video to share that their husbands have fallen short of Minton’s level of understanding. "My husband sometimes doesn’t even flush the toilet," Human Robot wrote. "I am sending this straight to my man he needs to see this," JJsMom added.

"Yep! My husband and I recognize it’s BOTH our kids and BOTH our house, therefore BOTH our responsibility," Sweetheart wrote.

Minton is an equal partner to his wife because he was raised much differently and wants to right the wrongs of his past. “Pretty much everything about my parenting style is in spite of what I saw when I was growing up,” he told Today.com.

Minton knew that his philosophy on marriage was necessary when a woman at Target praised him for doing the “bare minimum."

“I was wearing the baby, and I had two kids in the cart, and this lady comes up to Brittany, and she’s like, ‘Oh my God. Is this your husband!? Look at him. You should take a picture of him,’” Minton said. “I get so much credit for doing nothing. How low is the bar?"

Minton responded to his viral video with a heartfelt follow-up to everyone who loved how he cared for his wife and family. “I’m truly humbled at how far my message has gone,” he said. “However, I’d like to take a second to say: I am not special. I am no ‘unicorn.’ I am normal.”

“Nothing about my parenting style or my commitment to my wife is unique. Although it may seem out of the ordinary, it is far from extraordinary,” he continued. “Every father and husband we know (that seems to come up short) is fully-capable—yet unwilling.” He added that there was one thing that separates dads who do their part and dads who don’t: “Effort.”


This article originally appeared last year.

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