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Are you guilty of 'boomerasking'? Why this common conversation faux pas makes you less likeable

And no, it has nothing to do with boomers.

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A hand coming through a blue wall holding a boomerang.

You might have never heard the term “boomerasking” until now, but you’ve almost certainly experienced it…and might have even done it yourself. And no, this has nothing to do with boomers asking why folks can’t pick themselves up by the bootstraps. In fact, this conversation faux pas can be committed by any age group.

Boomerasking is when someone asks a question, only to bring the focus back onto themselves, ala a boomerang.

Example: you ask “how was your day?” to a friend. Your friend responds, “fine, I got some deals at Costco,” and you reply, “well my day was great, I found $100 on the sidewalk, and someone complimented my new shoes!”

Essentially, you didn’t pose the question to really listen to your friend’s answer, but rather to talk about yourself. That’s boomerasking in a nutshell.

boomerasking, conversation tips, social skills, how to talk to people, psychological studyTwo people talking.Photo credit: Canva

But according to new research from the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, there’s a bit more to glean from this. For starters, researchers broke boomerasking down into three categories:

  • “Ask-bragging” - when someone asks a question only so that they can one-up the answerer and brag about themselves
  • “Ask-complaining” - when someone asks a question for the sole purpose of venting their story of a negative experience onto who they asked
  • “Ask-sharing” - when someone asks a question followed by sharing something neutral that probably only the asker finds interesting, i.e. weird dream

The study also found that most participants admitted they had both experienced boomerasking and had been guilty of it themselves, so it’s likely that we’ve all done our fair share of asking only to share a bit about ourselves.

@6girldadreviews Boomerasking? #boomerang #conversationalambush #dadjokes #conversation ♬ original sound - 6 Girl Dad Reviews


And granted, this impulse isn’t completely self-serving. Researchers noted that really, it’s simply the result of two conflicting natural human desires: one, to be responsive to others, and the other, to share individual experiences. They also shared that some participants thought prefacing a long conversation about themselves with a question posed to another person was the considerate way of making conversation feel more balanced, since it’s not entirely about them.

boomerasking, conversation tips, social skills, how to talk to people, psychological studymedia1.giphy.com

In all these cases, boomerasking backfires, and instead only makes the question asked seem insincere, according to the study. To combat this urge, researchers suggest two main things:

1. Ask questions that you are unable to answer yourself, which prevents the possibility of boomerasking, because you have nothing to contribute.

2 Use responsive listening techniques, with verbal cues like affirmation, validation, and repeating and/or reformulating what a partner has said. You can still ask questions, just make sure not to shift the focus away from the other person.

Healthy conversations, which are vital to us all, require a bit of give-and-take. Plus, appearing polite doesn’t have nearly as much weight as showing genuine interest in someone else. So the next time you find yourself wanting to share something, maybe just be clear about that. And if you do ask someone about their day, listen.

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Joy

15 conversation prompts to connect on a deeper level without making it weird

These "reflective" topics are meaningful but not overly personal.

Photo credit: Canva

It's not always easy to have good conversations in groups.

When family and friends gather together, conversations can go a few ways. If you’re genuinely close and used to sharing openly, conversation may flow naturally with no need for assistance. If you’re getting together with people you rarely see, don’t know very well, or struggle to connect with, however, conversations can feel mundane, stilted or awkward. Even with family, a 50-year-old trying to talk to a 15-year-old extended relative can be difficult without knowing what questions to ask.

Whether we’re getting together with people we know or people we are meeting for the first time, it’s nice to be able to go a little deeper than talking about the weather or pop culture. Politics is a minefield, now more than ever, and not everyone wants to share the nitty gritty details of their personal lives, so it can be hard to figure out how to have meaningful conversations without making it weird.

Ordinary & Happy offers a list of “reflective topics” that can help improve conversations with anyone of any age. Here are some examples of questions based on their suggestions and some reasons they're so effective.

Looking back

What’s something you learned this past year?

Who was an influential person in your life last year?

What’s something you accomplished this year that surprised you?

The good thing about looking back over the past year is that the experiences are fairly fresh. A year is a good amount of time to think about because it’s short enough to not be overwhelming but long enough to have had some interesting experiences and learnings.

Looking again

What’s something you rediscovered a love for?

What’s something or someone you’ve reconnected after a long time?

What’s a place you’ve visited that you really enjoyed?

A twist on reflection, adding a “re” element by asking someone about something they might have forgotten about or disconnected from but found again can be a fun way to think about the previous year a little bit differently. And of course, places we’ve enjoyed visiting is always a solid topic.

Looking ahead

What’s something you want to improve on next year?

What’s a goal you have for next year?

What’s something you’re looking forward to next year?

It can be a little tricky to ask people about the future, especially young people who often feel a lot of pressure to have their futures figured out. But on a personal level, we all have things we’re looking forward to as well as intentions for our future, even if we don’t know how it’s all going to play out.

Looking inside

How has your perception of time changed?

Have your values shifted or changed and what prompted it?

What’s something you learned about yourself this year?

These questions offer a way to get to know someone without asking about too-personal topics. Values might be considered personal, but there are a lot of ways to ask people about how the way they see the world or themselves has changed.

man and woman talking over coffeeThese prompts can work in a group or one-on-one conversations.Photo credit: Canva

Looking at being human

What do you believe is a key to good communication?

What do you believe is one of the best ways to build trust?

What do you believe the last year taught you about life?

Broadening the questions to more general human experiences rather than focusing them on an individual is a good way to pivot if people seem to feel uncomfortable talking about themselves. The adage “People love to talk about themselves” isn’t always true, but most people will weigh in on a light philosophical question like “What do you think makes someone a good friend?” or “What do you think the world needs more of?”

Anyone can come up with these kinds of reflective questions. A few tips to keep in mind, though:

- Try to avoid words like “favorite” or “best” unless you preface it with “one of.” You don’t want to force people to sort through their thoughts and put them in a particular order. Some people may have one favorite place or memory, but more often than not there are many things that could compete for that title and trying to narrow down one makes people freeze up.

- Stick to universal human experiences. We’ve all discovering things about ourselves and the world all the time, but we’re not all into the same things. “What’s a place that makes you feel peaceful?” works better than “What’s your favorite place to vacation?” Keep questions broad and focused on human characteristics instead of niche experiences people may or may not have had.

- Put questions into your own words. You might not say, "What's one thing you learned this year?" For you, it might be, "Hey, tell me about an interesting learning experience you had this year. What stands out to you?" The more natural the question in your own voice, the better. It's the topic that matters, not the wording.

Happy conversating!

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communication

Communication coach shares 7 ways to get out of a conversation without being awkward or rude

For many folks, figuring out how to end a conversation is even harder than starting one.

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It's not always easy to ease your way out of a conversation.

Have you ever found yourself in a conversation you don't really want to be in anymore? Maybe the conversation's gone on too long or the person has you cornered or you just genuinely don't have time to keep talking with them?

For some people, figuring out how to end a conversation without being rude or making it awkward is a challenge. Social etiquette is not always intuitive, and while some seem to to effortlessly navigate all kinds of social situations, many of us struggle with certain aspects of socializing. Most people might assume that starting a conversation is the hardest thing, but ending one can be equally or more challenging. You can't just suddenly say, "Okay, bye," without warning, but that transition between conversing and leaving doesn't always happen naturally.

Thankfully, communication coach Alexander Lyon has offered 7 clear ways to wrap up a conversation politely to help those who need a little help.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Here's what he suggests:

1. End on your turn

Every conversation is a back-and-forth, with people taking turns talking. Interrupting the other person to say you need to go can come across as rude, so make sure you plan to end the conversation when you're already talking. "All the rest of the tips flow from this concept," Lyon says.

2. State a time limit

This can come at any point in the conversation. If you're talking to someone you know might drag it out, it might be good to place it at the beginning of the conversation: "Hey Steve, I've got about five minutes. What's up?" That way they know the conversation time is going to be limited from the get go. You can also drop the time when you're ready to wrap up: "I only have one minute before I have to go, so let me finish with this thought." That way the person knows the conversation is coming to a close.

3. Start packing up

Those who feel awkward about ending a conversation might feel like it's awkward to start gathering your things before the conversation is concluded. But it's a normal thing to signal through behavior, and packing up signals to the other person that you're ready to end the conversation.

"You start putting things in your bag. You get your keys out. You put your coat on. This shows them oh something's changing here. Alex is about to leave." Lyon says these are non-verbal actions are called leave-taking behaviors. "This is what we all do naturally when we're about to go and so these cues are really known and powerful to most people. They will pick up on them," he says.

4. Say you've gotta go

This might seem obvious, but Lyon assures us that that's exactly why it works. "You have to use phrases that they're used to hearing like 'I've gotta run,' 'I've got to get going,'" he says. "Those are phrases that signal, once again, that you're going to go. A lot of times people even feel like just saying that feels rude. But I assure you these are just common phrases that, wrapped into the other tips, they're going to understand that this means you're going to go."


via GIPHY

5. Tell them what's next

Share what you're going to be doing after the conversation. "If you say things like, 'I have a meeting to go to' or 'I have some projects that I've got to get back on' or 'I'm a little behind on some work,' then they'll know that, 'Oh he's not just abandoning the conversation because he doesn't like me. He's going because he has something else to do,'" explains Lyon. You don't have to be super specific, just clear and concise.

6. Insert polite pleasantries

This is where you say things like, "It was so great catching up!" or "I hope we get to chat again soon," or "I'm so happy we got a chance to talk," to indicate that it's time to move on but you've enjoyed the conversation. Lyon shares that these kinds of statements signal to the person that the conversation is coming to a close and are such a normal part of interactions that the person will understand what they mean.

7. Apologize and repeat any of the above, if necessary

If the person is really holding on and not taking the hint, say something like, "So sorry, I really have to get going, but it was so lovely to chat with you," or something similar. "A lot of times people need that little extra reinforcement toward the end," Lyon says. He says you don't want to drag the apology or make a big deal out of it—just a quick, "Sorry, but I gotta go," or "I apologize, but I'm running late," will do. "It doesn't mean you've actually done something wrong that you need to apologize for. It's just a way once again to signal that you're trying to be respectful to that person," Lyon explains.

Even if some of these tips feel awkward or rude, Lyon assures us that they aren't. People with social anxieties can often overthink interactions, so having such reassurances can be helpful. Courtesy in conversation is one of the ways we maintain social connections, so learning how to politely end a conversation is a valuable skill.

You can follow Communication Coach Alexander Lyon on YouTube.

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