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Rabbi explains why empathy and social anxiety so often go hand in hand

This makes so much sense.

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Highly social situations can be overwhelming for empaths.

Some people get invited to a party and immediately look forward to the fun time. Others get invited to a party and are filled with immediate dread.

Those who dread parties may struggle with social anxiety—an intense fear of social situations. Social anxiety takes many forms, but very few people who deal with it find the idea of socializing in a large group of people fun or exciting. They may want to find it exciting, but parties that energize and fulfill the extroverts among us tend to drain the introverts, and those with social anxiety often fare even worse.

Rabbi Shais Taub gave an explanation for why some people experience social anxiety in such situations, and it's resonating with a whole lot of people who see themselves in it.

People with high empathy may find themselves more socially anxious

The reason why many people have social anxiety–this is not for everyone, but many people—is because they are so sensitive to other people's energies. For them, to be in a crowded room is like being in a room with 100 radios on, all playing different stations at the same time. In other words, there are some people who are, let's call it 'empathic,' who feel everybody's energy, and being in that presence is draining. They leave a social experience feeling exhausted."

He explains that it's not that those people don't want to have human interactions, it's that the price of those interactions in energy expenditure very high.

Many people felt seen and also wondered if there was a way to "turn it off":

"I can even feel what others are thinking."

"That's me. And people always come and tell me their problems, then I get more overwhelmed."

"This is so me! I’m a nurse also and I absolutely love what I do but by the end of my day I want to be left alone! I carry all these energies with me and feel so bad for everyone. And it gets so heavy for me to carry."

"This is me! I’m an empath and have a son on the spectrum. I have a masters degree in mental health counseling but am too afraid to become a counselor because I think it will drain me. I feel stuck. Your post makes a lot of sense to me."

"💯 exhausted after social moments. I’m a teacher & I sleep after work. I have nothing left to give."

"I feel that, then when I get home I literally fall asleep because I'm exhausted. Even people with good energy makes me tired, but not as much as people with negative energy, I feel everything. 😩"

"Yea it sucks.. most people don't understand. Sometimes it's even just texting too much. I'll put my phone away and see you next week lol"

Is there actual evidence that being an empath and experiencing social anxiety go hand in hand?

According to a 2018 study, yes—at least for people with a specific combination of empathic tendencies.

Researchers share that there are two main types of empathy:

Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand what other people are feeling. People high in cognitive empathy are able to put themselves into someone else's shoes emotionally, even if they aren't actually feeling what they're feeling.

Affective (or emotional) empathy is the ability to actually feel what other people are feeling. Empaths tend to be high in affective empathy and take on the feelings of those around them.

The study, which examined over 400 adolescents, found that those with low cognitive empathy experience higher rates of social anxiety, and people with low cognitive empathy but high affective empathy experienced more severe social anxiety. Rabbi Taub's explanation aligns with this finding that taking on people feelings (or energies as he describes it) equates to greater levels of social anxiety.

via GIPHY

Additionally, as Healthline points out, having low cognitive empathy but high affective empathy also means that you're sensing people's feelings without necessarily understanding why they are what they are. This might lead to mistaken assumptions that the other person's feelings are about you, making you feel more anxious about a social interaction.

Not all studies on empathy and social anxiety have shown the same results, so we could definitely use some more research in this area. Anecdotally, however, people who are both empathic and socially anxious are feeling the connection between the two and appreciate having what they experience laid out so clearly.

You can follow Rabbit Shais Taub on Instagram.


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Health

Socially anxious? Here are 17 best ways to answer the question: 'How are you?'

There's more you can say than "fine."

via Cottonbro Studios/Pexels

Some people having polite conversation at a party.

Does the following scenario make you feel anxious? You are in line at Target, and someone behind you recognizes you from an old job you had and asks, "How are you?” and you reply, “Fine.” Then, both of you stare at each other for 10 seconds, waiting for someone to say something next.

Sherry Amatenstein, LCSW, suggests that before we answer the question, we should attempt to ascertain if the person we’re talking to really wants to know. Are they being pleasant or just trying to make small talk? If you think they want to see how you’re doing, feel free to disclose what’s happening in your life.

But if it’s just a stop-and-chat or you don’t know the person you’re talking to, then it’s fine to respond with a clever response that may elicit a chuckle or spread some goodwill without telling them your life story. You can easily replay with a "Fine, how are you?" and put the conversational ball back in their court.

However, if you are looking for a more clever response, a Redditor who goes by Myloceratops crowd-sourced the best answers to the big question and received over 900 responses. Most of them were witty comebacks to the question that we can all tuck into our pack pockets to use when we want to see more interesting than someone who just gives a pat “fine” response.

Here are 17 of the best responses to someone asking, “How are you?” for you to use the next time you're making small talk.

1.

"I have two stock answers: Not too bad. Distinctly average." — Floydie1962.

2.

"Saw a shirt I loved: 'The horrors persist, as do I.'" — Evilbunnyfoofoo

3.

"I kinda like the Norwegian, 'Up and not crying."' — 5tr4nGe

4.

"Dying a little more every day." — Much-Signifigance212

5.

"Do you really want to know?" — Hatjepoet

6.

"In my country, people sometimes say 'Kann nie genug klagen.' It’s roughly translated to 'I can’t complain enough.'" — OldProblemsNeverDie

7.

"'I'm on the right side of the dirt' is one of my go-to responses." — JiveTurkeyJunction

8.

"Feeling good and looking better I’ll make a burlap sack feel like the cashmere sweater." — Late_Review_8761

9.

"It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear." — 27_crooked_craibu

10.

"If I was any better, there would be two of me." — not_that_rick

11.

"At work, it's 'Better by the hour.'"— Otherwise-Tune5413

12.

"'Oh you know, living the dream' is the only one I’ve got ready to go lately." — KittyBooBoo2016

13.

"Busier than a one-legged cat trying to bury a sh** in a frozen pond." — SpoonNZ

14.

"''I think I’m going to make it' usually gets a chuckle." — Bebandy

15.

"“Im good, and you?' I’m Gen X. I don’t burden other people with my problems." — Mrbootz

16.

"My next complaint will be my first complaint." — NoGood

17.

"'I feel like a silly goose today!'Guarantee they’ll never try to make small talk with you ever again." — Front-Craft-804

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Education

Why awkwardness is such a real thing for people everywhere and one big key to overcoming it

This is super helpful info for people who struggle with social anxiety.

Pragyan Bezbaruah/Canva

In our brains, awkwardness can feel as painful as being bullied.

Some people fear heights or small spaces, some fear spiders or snakes, and some fear illness or death. When taken to an extreme, such fears can form of an anxiety disorder, but they are understandable fears to have because any one of those things could theoretically spell our demise.

But what about fearing something that isn't physically dangerous at all, but rather psychologically uncomfortable, like…awkwardness?

For people with social anxiety, the fear of awkwardness is as real as the fear of death. "I'd rather cross a glass bridge over a 1,000-foot canyon than introduce myself to someone new" is a totally normal thought for a socially anxious person. The silences and pauses that mark most social interactions are magnified to painful degrees and the feelings of self-consciousness most of us experience in those moments are felt in extremes in the mind of a socially anxious person.

No one likes feeling awkward, of course, but why is it even a thing in the first place? What makes some interactions feel so uncomfortable to our brains? And more importantly, how do we overcome the fear of awkwardness, especially those who find themselves completely paralyzed by it?

The YouTube channel VSauce shared some of the science behind awkwardness, what's happening chemically and emotionally when we feel awkward and some of the perspective shifts that can help keep us from fixating on awkward feelings.

First, the video explains that awkwardness is actually a social good because our feelings of self-consciousness prompt us to avoid certain actions in ways that actual laws and formal etiquette don't.

"People who demonstrate self-consciousness when needed are communicating cooperative intentions, which helps them get along well with others," host Michael explains. "It's no coincidence that brains,susceptible to feeling occasional awkwardness, would become so common.They're successful at cooperating,at social life. Feeling awkward shows that you understand and are keen on smooth social exchanges.Now, too much or too little concern for social rules isn't healthy, but researchers found that just the right amount is great. When a person shows remorse or embarrassment or awkward discomfort, when appropriate,others perceive them as being more trustworthy, and their actions as more forgivable."

In other words, having the capacity to feel awkward actually makes us more likeable. So why does it feel so awful?

Our brains actually respond to awkwardness similarly to how they react to pain or name-calling, flowing along the same neural pathways, resulting in similar physical sensations and triggering our fight-or-flight response. (Thanks, evolution!)

But there are ways to tamp down our overreaction to awkward moments, which can be especially helpful for people who struggle with social anxiety. One reason awkwardness sticks with us so much is that we worry too much about what people are thinking about us, and social anxiety magnifies that worry. The more we realize that people aren't thinking about us nearly as much as we think they are, the more we can let awkward moments go.

In fact, there's a word for the realization that we are just extras in other people's stories, and not the main character—sonder. We are only the protagonist in our own lives. Other people are focused on their own lives.

"Acknowledging this makes your awkwardness look small," Michael says, adding, "But it also makes all of you look small. Tiny. A needle in a giant haystack." That's both a positive and a negative, but that perspective can help us in those moments when we're feeling the pain of awkwardness.

Watch:

You can follow VSauce for more insights on the human experience on YouTube here.

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psychology
Health

Feel free to turn down invitations, it hurts your friends a lot less than you think

New research is great news for people-pleasers.

via Tima Miroshnichenko/Pexels

New study shows it's ok to say no to an invite if you don't want to go.

There are many reasons why people feel uncomfortable turning down invites to social events. We crave connection, fear missing out on a good time and assume we’re hurting other people’s feelings by saying no. But sometimes, turning someone down is unavoidable, and saying yes to everything can lead to burnout.

There’s also the problem of attending things just because you feel obligated. Then, you wind up having a bad night when you could have stayed home and watched TV or read a book.

A recent study found that 77% of people confessed to accepting an invitation to an event they didn’t want to attend because they were nervous that they’d upset the person who invited them. The good news is that the same study found that people are a lot less bothered when we say no to them than we assume.

So now you can feel less guilty about avoiding social events you don’t want to attend whether it's a family function, work happy hour a birthday party for some kid that your child hardly knows.

A recent study published by the American Psychological Association experimented on over 2,00 participants to find out how people feel after being rejected.

Researchers discovered that when participants imagined refusing a friend's invitation, they often thought it would immediately harm their relationship. They believed their friend might feel upset, disappointed and hesitant to invite them again. Those who envisioned rejecting the invitation were more inclined to think their friend would dwell on the refusal rather than understanding the decision-making process behind it.

However, researchers found that wasn’t the case.

“Across our experiments, we consistently found that invitees overestimate the negative ramifications that arise in the eyes of inviters following an invitation decline,” Julian Givi, PhD, an assistant professor at West Virginia University, told the American Psychological Association. “People tend to exaggerate the degree to which the person who issued the invitation will focus on the act of the invitee declining the invitation as opposed to the thoughts that passed through their head before they declined.”

The researchers performed a similar study with couples and, once again, found that those who turned down the invite thought their partner would be more upset than they actually were.

​“While there have been times when I have felt a little upset with someone who declined an invitation, our research gives us quite a bit of good reason to predict people overestimate the negative ramifications for our relationships,” Givi said.

Givi also says people should feel okay about declining invitations when busy, to avoid psychological burnout.

“Burnout is a real thing, especially around the holidays when we are often invited to too many events,” he said. “Don't be afraid to turn down invitations here and there. But, keep in mind that spending time with others is how relationships develop, so don't decline every invitation.”

This study should be good news to all the people-pleasers out there who often go to social engagements because they don’t they don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings. It’s also great news for those who feel a tremendous sense of guilt every time they turn down an invite.


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