upworthy

social anxiety

Canva Photos

Lighting a candle? That's basic compared to these advanced tips.

Poop anxiety isn't the most heavily studied medical field, but some estimates say up to a third of people suffer from some kind of anxiety around going to the bathroom in a public place or another person's home. On the low end, they can feel ashamed or embarrassed. At the higher end, they may avoid social functions, public events, or leaving their own home entirely. This phenomenon also tends to affect women more than men. For some people the worry gets so bad that they constipate themselves or refuse to eat, all because they're worried of what people will think of them.

But you don't have to have extreme "shy bowel" to know the uncertainty associated with feeling a rumbly tummy while you're a guest in someone's house. There are a lot of unknowns to manage. How good is their soundproofing? Does their toilet actually flush properly? Will someone be waiting to go in right after me? Some people anticipate these worries and come up with elaborate rules and routines to leave as little evidence of their go as possible.

A guy took a simple question to social media: Should you always courtesy flush when you're a guest in someone's house? The answer sparked a huge debate about the secret etiquette of public pooping.


poop, bathroom, dancing, funny, humor, toiletThis dancing poop says pooping can be fun!Giphy

In a thread on the subreddit r/NoStupidQuestions, the OP asked: "My mother tells me that at other people's houses, when going to the bathroom, it's expected to do a 'courtesy flush'. Is this a real thing?"

For the uninitiated, a courtesy flush is when you flush halfway through your "go." The thinking is that it helps get rid of odors before they build up. Not only that did the poster's mother advocate for courtesy flushing, she insisted on a very specific ritual when visiting other people's homes:

  1. Always carry Poopurri and spray before you go
  2. Flush halfway through your session
  3. Flush at the end (obviously)
  4. Clean toilet bowl with wand... every time!
If it sounds a little extreme to you, you're not alone.

However, some commenters were extremely pro-courtesy flush.

toilet, bathroom, home, hygiene, cleaning, etiquetteWhite ceramic toilet bowl with cover. Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash

"I’ve done the 'courtesy flush' thing for years… mainly to help minimize lingering odors more than any other reason."

"That’s good advice. First flush on delivery, second flush with clean up. Reduces odor and skid marks."

A few people noted that the courtesy flush is common in jails and prisons, of all places. Due to the tight (extremely tight) quarters, inmates are encouraged to repeatedly flush while they go. I don't want to know what the consequence might be for violating this code.

Others claimed the courtesy flush was a waste of water:

"Flushing twice seems very wasteful in my opinion. I would not like a guest to do that."

"No, please don't waste my water. But do make sure everything goes down."

"If someone did that at my house I'd be low key annoyed at them for wasting water."

Experts agree that the effectiveness of the courtesy flush is very much up for debate. Does it mildly lessen odor? Maybe. It's also a gigantic waste of water. Older toilets can use up to six gallons per flush—yikes! An extra flush is also questionable at best when it comes to sanitation—flushing poop with the lid open is known to spray bacteria all over the bathroom. Yuck.

"Everyone poops, I don't want my guests worrying about it," wrote one commenter. "Crack a window if it's like, lethally stinky, I guess. If you clog the toilet, the plunger is in a plastic tub right there. If you need help, cool, now we have a funny story."

The courtesy flush, however, was only the beginning of the OPSEC tips for pooping in public.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Some commenters were on board with OP's mother's idea of using the toilet brush if it's available:

"If there's some brown stuck to the porcelain after I flush, and if there's a toilet brush on hand, I give it a quick cleaning and a second flush. But not if things look clean otherwise," someone wrote.

Another commenter had an even more advanced idea: "You can also float a strip of toilet paper on top of the water before you poo. Gets wrapped in paper as you drop off your delivery and less likely to leave skid marks in the bowl."

Of course, commenters in threads all over the Internet sing the praises of Poo-Pourri, or even carrying a lighter with you at all times to burn up some of the stinky oxygen. And how's this for a pro-level tip?

"Tip for the courtesy flush.. if one who finds it hard to poop in a public bathroom because you don’t want people to hear you. Flush just right before you push and the sound of the water will cover the sound of gas etc and it will go right down with the water so very minimal smell."

I mean, all you can do really is clap at the social-anxiety-fueled ingenuity on display. The experts seem to agree here. Even Healthlinerecommends carrying air purifier spray, lining the inside of the bowl with toilet paper to absorb sound, and flushing several times to reduce anxiety worries.

The general consensus is that, when pooping at someone's house, basic etiquette applies. Clean up after yourself to a normal degree, but remember, as the saying goes: Everybody poops.

Some people are really protective over the bathrooms in their homes, which is their right. But if that's the case, they really shouldn't be having guests over and expecting them not to partake in normal human biological behaviors.

Some of the advanced tips shared by anxious-pooers might help, but try not to send yourself into a tailspin trying to cover your tracks. In extreme cases of bathroom anxiety, experts say cognitive behavior therapy or even antidepressants may be needed. But the rest of us might just need to read that world famous children's book again.

Highly social situations can be overwhelming for empaths.

Some people get invited to a party and immediately look forward to the fun time. Others get invited to a party and are filled with immediate dread.

Those who dread parties may struggle with social anxiety—an intense fear of social situations. Social anxiety takes many forms, but very few people who deal with it find the idea of socializing in a large group of people fun or exciting. They may want to find it exciting, but parties that energize and fulfill the extroverts among us tend to drain the introverts, and those with social anxiety often fare even worse.

Rabbi Shais Taub gave an explanation for why some people experience social anxiety in such situations, and it's resonating with a whole lot of people who see themselves in it.

People with high empathy may find themselves more socially anxious

The reason why many people have social anxiety–this is not for everyone, but many people—is because they are so sensitive to other people's energies. For them, to be in a crowded room is like being in a room with 100 radios on, all playing different stations at the same time. In other words, there are some people who are, let's call it 'empathic,' who feel everybody's energy, and being in that presence is draining. They leave a social experience feeling exhausted."

He explains that it's not that those people don't want to have human interactions, it's that the price of those interactions in energy expenditure very high.

Many people felt seen and also wondered if there was a way to "turn it off":

"I can even feel what others are thinking."

"That's me. And people always come and tell me their problems, then I get more overwhelmed."

"This is so me! I’m a nurse also and I absolutely love what I do but by the end of my day I want to be left alone! I carry all these energies with me and feel so bad for everyone. And it gets so heavy for me to carry."

"This is me! I’m an empath and have a son on the spectrum. I have a masters degree in mental health counseling but am too afraid to become a counselor because I think it will drain me. I feel stuck. Your post makes a lot of sense to me."

"💯 exhausted after social moments. I’m a teacher & I sleep after work. I have nothing left to give."

"I feel that, then when I get home I literally fall asleep because I'm exhausted. Even people with good energy makes me tired, but not as much as people with negative energy, I feel everything. 😩"

"Yea it sucks.. most people don't understand. Sometimes it's even just texting too much. I'll put my phone away and see you next week lol"

Is there actual evidence that being an empath and experiencing social anxiety go hand in hand?

According to a 2018 study, yes—at least for people with a specific combination of empathic tendencies.

Researchers share that there are two main types of empathy:

Cognitive empathy is the ability to understand what other people are feeling. People high in cognitive empathy are able to put themselves into someone else's shoes emotionally, even if they aren't actually feeling what they're feeling.

Affective (or emotional) empathy is the ability to actually feel what other people are feeling. Empaths tend to be high in affective empathy and take on the feelings of those around them.

The study, which examined over 400 adolescents, found that those with low cognitive empathy experience higher rates of social anxiety, and people with low cognitive empathy but high affective empathy experienced more severe social anxiety. Rabbi Taub's explanation aligns with this finding that taking on people feelings (or energies as he describes it) equates to greater levels of social anxiety.

Additionally, as Healthline points out, having low cognitive empathy but high affective empathy also means that you're sensing people's feelings without necessarily understanding why they are what they are. This might lead to mistaken assumptions that the other person's feelings are about you, making you feel more anxious about a social interaction.

Not all studies on empathy and social anxiety have shown the same results, so we could definitely use some more research in this area. Anecdotally, however, people who are both empathic and socially anxious are feeling the connection between the two and appreciate having what they experience laid out so clearly.

You can follow Rabbit Shais Taub on Instagram.


Communication coach shares 7 ways to get out of a conversation without being awkward or rude

For many folks, figuring out how to end a conversation is even harder than starting one.

It's not always easy to ease your way out of a conversation.

Have you ever found yourself in a conversation you don't really want to be in anymore? Maybe the conversation's gone on too long or the person has you cornered or you just genuinely don't have time to keep talking with them?

For some people, figuring out how to end a conversation without being rude or making it awkward is a challenge. Social etiquette is not always intuitive, and while some seem to to effortlessly navigate all kinds of social situations, many of us struggle with certain aspects of socializing. Most people might assume that starting a conversation is the hardest thing, but ending one can be equally or more challenging. You can't just suddenly say, "Okay, bye," without warning, but that transition between conversing and leaving doesn't always happen naturally.

Thankfully, communication coach Alexander Lyon has offered 7 clear ways to wrap up a conversation politely to help those who need a little help.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Here's what he suggests:

1. End on your turn

Every conversation is a back-and-forth, with people taking turns talking. Interrupting the other person to say you need to go can come across as rude, so make sure you plan to end the conversation when you're already talking. "All the rest of the tips flow from this concept," Lyon says.

2. State a time limit

This can come at any point in the conversation. If you're talking to someone you know might drag it out, it might be good to place it at the beginning of the conversation: "Hey Steve, I've got about five minutes. What's up?" That way they know the conversation time is going to be limited from the get go. You can also drop the time when you're ready to wrap up: "I only have one minute before I have to go, so let me finish with this thought." That way the person knows the conversation is coming to a close.

3. Start packing up

Those who feel awkward about ending a conversation might feel like it's awkward to start gathering your things before the conversation is concluded. But it's a normal thing to signal through behavior, and packing up signals to the other person that you're ready to end the conversation.

"You start putting things in your bag. You get your keys out. You put your coat on. This shows them oh something's changing here. Alex is about to leave." Lyon says these are non-verbal actions are called leave-taking behaviors. "This is what we all do naturally when we're about to go and so these cues are really known and powerful to most people. They will pick up on them," he says.

4. Say you've gotta go

This might seem obvious, but Lyon assures us that that's exactly why it works. "You have to use phrases that they're used to hearing like 'I've gotta run,' 'I've got to get going,'" he says. "Those are phrases that signal, once again, that you're going to go. A lot of times people even feel like just saying that feels rude. But I assure you these are just common phrases that, wrapped into the other tips, they're going to understand that this means you're going to go."


5. Tell them what's next

Share what you're going to be doing after the conversation. "If you say things like, 'I have a meeting to go to' or 'I have some projects that I've got to get back on' or 'I'm a little behind on some work,' then they'll know that, 'Oh he's not just abandoning the conversation because he doesn't like me. He's going because he has something else to do,'" explains Lyon. You don't have to be super specific, just clear and concise.

6. Insert polite pleasantries

This is where you say things like, "It was so great catching up!" or "I hope we get to chat again soon," or "I'm so happy we got a chance to talk," to indicate that it's time to move on but you've enjoyed the conversation. Lyon shares that these kinds of statements signal to the person that the conversation is coming to a close and are such a normal part of interactions that the person will understand what they mean.

7. Apologize and repeat any of the above, if necessary

If the person is really holding on and not taking the hint, say something like, "So sorry, I really have to get going, but it was so lovely to chat with you," or something similar. "A lot of times people need that little extra reinforcement toward the end," Lyon says. He says you don't want to drag the apology or make a big deal out of it—just a quick, "Sorry, but I gotta go," or "I apologize, but I'm running late," will do. "It doesn't mean you've actually done something wrong that you need to apologize for. It's just a way once again to signal that you're trying to be respectful to that person," Lyon explains.

Even if some of these tips feel awkward or rude, Lyon assures us that they aren't. People with social anxieties can often overthink interactions, so having such reassurances can be helpful. Courtesy in conversation is one of the ways we maintain social connections, so learning how to politely end a conversation is a valuable skill.

You can follow Communication Coach Alexander Lyon on YouTube.

Some people having polite conversation at a party.

Does the following scenario make you feel anxious? You are in line at Target, and someone behind you recognizes you from an old job you had and asks, "How are you?” and you reply, “Fine.” Then, both of you stare at each other for 10 seconds, waiting for someone to say something next.

Sherry Amatenstein, LCSW, suggests that before we answer the question, we should attempt to ascertain if the person we’re talking to really wants to know. Are they being pleasant or just trying to make small talk? If you think they want to see how you’re doing, feel free to disclose what’s happening in your life.

But if it’s just a stop-and-chat or you don’t know the person you’re talking to, then it’s fine to respond with a clever response that may elicit a chuckle or spread some goodwill without telling them your life story. You can easily replay with a "Fine, how are you?" and put the conversational ball back in their court.


However, if you are looking for a more clever response, a Redditor who goes by Myloceratops crowd-sourced the best answers to the big question and received over 900 responses. Most of them were witty comebacks to the question that we can all tuck into our pack pockets to use when we want to see more interesting than someone who just gives a pat “fine” response.

Here are 17 of the best responses to someone asking, “How are you?” for you to use the next time you're making small talk.

1.

"I have two stock answers: Not too bad. Distinctly average." — Floydie1962.

2.

"Saw a shirt I loved: 'The horrors persist, as do I.'" — Evilbunnyfoofoo

3.

"I kinda like the Norwegian, 'Up and not crying."' — 5tr4nGe

4.

"Dying a little more every day." — Much-Signifigance212

5.

"Do you really want to know?" — Hatjepoet

6.

"In my country, people sometimes say 'Kann nie genug klagen.' It’s roughly translated to 'I can’t complain enough.'" — OldProblemsNeverDie

7.

"'I'm on the right side of the dirt' is one of my go-to responses." — JiveTurkeyJunction

8.

"Feeling good and looking better I’ll make a burlap sack feel like the cashmere sweater." — Late_Review_8761

9.

"It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear." — 27_crooked_craibu

10.

"If I was any better, there would be two of me." — not_that_rick

11.

"At work, it's 'Better by the hour.'"— Otherwise-Tune5413

12.

"'Oh you know, living the dream' is the only one I’ve got ready to go lately." — KittyBooBoo2016

13.

"Busier than a one-legged cat trying to bury a sh** in a frozen pond." — SpoonNZ

14.

"''I think I’m going to make it' usually gets a chuckle." — Bebandy

15.

"“Im good, and you?' I’m Gen X. I don’t burden other people with my problems." — Mrbootz

16.

"My next complaint will be my first complaint." — NoGood

17.

"'I feel like a silly goose today!'Guarantee they’ll never try to make small talk with you ever again." — Front-Craft-804