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Joy

Stop struggling with small talk by using the easy 'FLIP method'

This'll make your next party a lot easier.

via CottonbroStudio/Pexels

Three people having a polite chat at a party.

There are numerous reasons why some don’t like making small talk. There are those of us who don’t enjoy it because, usually, it means having to feign interest in boring topics. Others don’t like small talk because they get nervous around strangers and are either afraid they’ll say something that makes them look dumb or that there will be a lull in conversation that makes every second feel like a decade.

The problem is that small talk is a fantastic interpersonal skill that can significantly benefit your professional life and make it easier to build relationships. The good news is that Oliver N Mark, a Substack user, created an easy-to-use script called the FLIP method that makes it easy to have small talk with just about anyone. You just have to remember the acronym: FLIP.

What is the FLIP method?

Oliver N Mark says that instead of “freezing up and overthinking,” he can now start and “hold conversations without forcing anything.” Here’s the FLIP method explained:

F – From → Ask about their background (“You sound like you might be from the UK?”)

L – Location → Use the environment (“What brings you here?”)

I – Interests → Find common ground (“What’s something you could talk about for hours?”)

P – Personalise → Make them feel seen (“That’s a cool necklace; does it have a story?”)

From

Everyone is from somewhere, and people’s origins are a big part of their identity, so you'll never go wrong asking someone where they were born.

“You sound like you are from New York.”

“Are you from around here?”

“When did you move here, or were you always from Los Angeles?”

Location

Even if you just met someone, you both have something in common. You are in the same place. Use that to your advantage by asking some location-based questions.

“Do you come here often?”

“What do you think of the artwork at this place?”

“What brings you here?”

Interests

Everyone loves to talk about their hobbies, the things they follow, or they love to read about. When they start talking, be sure to practice active listening, as the conversation could take an entirely new direction at any moment.

“What could you talk about for days?”

“What’s the last book you’ve read?”

“What do you do in your spare time?”

Personalize

Everyone loves the unique feeling of being noticed. If you genuinely point out something unique about someone, they'll really appreciate the compliment.

“Those are some great-looking shoes. Where did you get them?”

“You have a soothing accent. Where are you from?”

“What’s the story behind your tattoo?”

Another popular method for making small talk, similar to Oliver N. Mark’s FLIP method, is the FORD method, which stands for Family, Occupation, Recreation, and Dreams.

How much should I listen versus talk in a conversation?

Also, it’s essential not to forget that one of the most important aspects of making great small talk is being a good listener. But how long should you listen versus talk? A 2016 study on sales calls published by Gong.io found that interactions in which the salesperson talked 43% of the time and listened 57% of the time had the highest sales yield. This is known as the 43:57 rule and is a great one to follow if you want to make a great impression on someone.

Mastering the art of small talk can be a massive game-changer for your personal and professional life. Hopefully, you will find that the FLIP and FORD methods help you have more relaxed, natural conversations. It’s a little tricky at first, but with a little practice, you should be able to turn small talk into meaningful conversations and joyful relationships.

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Small talk going nowhere? Expert's 'threading' technique is the key to great conversations.

It doesn't take much to be great at small talk.

via Canva

A man and woman having a conversation.

Small talk can feel awkward, especially when talking to someone you don’t know very well and run out of things to say. That awkward silence may only last a few seconds but can feel like an eternity. Small talk can be uncomfortable, but it’s the gateway to starting relationships, creating professional opportunities, and building self-confidence. Becoming a master of small talk opens up possibilities, but how do you improve your skills?

One way to elevate your small talk game is by using a technique known as conversational threading. Adding a few more details to your questions and responses can open up different avenues to take the conversation and prevent it from stalling after a question or two. The key is to be an active listener with intentional questions.

How to get better at small talk

“The problem with most small talk is that it’s happening on autopilot, which means that people are asking questions they can already predict the answers to, such as: ‘How are you?’ ‘How’s the weather?’ “How was your weekend?’” Lorraine Lee, an award-winning virtual keynote speaker and CEO of RISE Learning Solutions, told CNBC Make It. The problem is that when you ask autopilot questions, you’re bound to get predictable answers, making it hard for the conversation to get off the ground.

Question: “How are you doing?”

Predictable answer: “Fine, how are you?”

Good answer: “Great, I’m planning a trip to Mexico, and I’ve really been enjoying ‘The White Lotus’ on Max."

The “good answer” here gives the person you’re talking to two threads to follow. They can ask you about Mexico or share how they once went to Cancun and had a great time. They can also reply to your thread about “The White Lotus” and discuss whether they have seen it.

Question: “Cold outside, isn’t it?”

Predictable answer: “Yeah, I’m freezing.”

Good answer: “It reminds me of the blizzard we had a few years back. What year was that?”

The “good answer” here also gives the person you’re talking to two threads. They can speculate on the date of the blizzard or share their experience with the snowstorm. The “predictable answer” stops the conversation in its tracks.

What are subject words?

Sean Cooper, known as the “shyness and social anxiety guy,” says we should look for “subject words” when talking with people because those will provide potential threads for a more meaningful conversation. For example: “I bought tires at the Goodyear station with my wife on Saturday” has four different keywords: tires, Goodyear, wife, and Saturday.” If you’re listening, it gives you four ways to turn the conversation into something more:

Tires — “Gee, I can’t remember the last time I changed my tires…”

Goodyear — “Is that the tire store off of Crenshaw Boulevard? Do they have good service?”

Wife — “How is your wife doing these days?”

Saturday — “Saturday was a lot of fun, I took my daughter to a horse stable."

Also, you can create better threads by asking more specific questions.

Autopilot question: “Do you come here often?”

Good question: “What’s your favorite drink at this bar?”

Autopilot question: “How are you doing?”

Good question: “What’s been the highlight of the week?”

Becoming good at small talk isn’t difficult as long as you can turn off autopilot and become more intentional with your questions and answers. Be sure to load up your responses with plenty of threads and keywords so that you’re partner can choose a direction for the conversation. As long as you keep threading the conversation, your relationship has room to grow and flourish.

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Education

Never know how to answer the 'What do you do' question? This simple formula can help.

How many times have you been asked, "What do you do?" and not known what to say?

Photo credit: Canva

Let's face it, our answers to this question are usually a bit blasé.

We’ve all been there. The moment we’re face to face with a stranger and the ice breakers begin rolling in. During this little tête-à-tête, one question is sure to be as inevitable as Thanos himself: “What do you do?”

Even for the most skilled small talkers among us, this is not always a particularly easy question to answer. Not without sounding overly vague, sterile, or, yes, even dull. But as CNBC contributor and author Jessica Chen will tell you, there is a tried-and-true method that not only provides an answer for the “What do you do?” question but inspires authentic connection with others.

Her formula, which is included in her book Smart, Not Loud: How to Get Noticed at Work for All the Right Reasons, is pretty simple and definitely gives you more to work with than just saying your job title, which, barring any astronauts or Grammy award winners reading this, can sound pretty bland for most of us.

Hex Astronaut GIFfrom Hex GIFs

Without further ado, here are the 3 points to hit in your answer, according to Chen.

1. Talk about the issues you solve

This can help paint the picture that anyone can relate to, even if they have zero familiarity with your industry. Chen advises putting this in the form of a rhetorical question.

Examples:

“You know how cyberattacks are getting more frequent and sophisticated?”
“You know how you see ads when you scroll through a news story?”

2. Share the solutions you offer

Now’s your chance to clearly explain how your work addresses the issue you set up in step one. Chen notes that it’s important to think about “real-life implications" of what you do every day:

Examples:

“What I do is create software systems that alert companies when a suspicious user tries to access their platform.”
“What I do is research the best places to put ads so that they have maximum visibility.”

3. Drop some proof

This is where you tie it all together, using a story or other pertinent company details, in order to solidify your credibility.

“In fact, our organization is one of the largest cybersecurity companies in the world with clients like [well-known company].”
“In fact, the click-through rate of our ads is around 3%, which is much higher than the industry average.”

Put all those together and you’ve got: “You know how [talk about issues you solve]? So what I do is [share the solutions you offer]. In fact, [drop some proof].” Badda bing, badda boom, a concise, yet well-thought out and impactful answer that actually provides a snapshot of what you do for a living. Side effects might include nods of interest and response in the form of, “Wow, cool!”

Oh Wow You Dont Say GIFfrom Oh Wow GIFs

If you’re struggling with all things small talk, having a go-to approach, much like this one, isn’t a bad idea. Having things like the FORD method, which is essentially a list of ice breaker questions that will get virtually anyone talking, in the back pocket can really help offset any social jitters that get in the way in the heat of the moment.

Basically, it’s totally okay if you don’t naturally have the gift of gab. But since you will likely have to engage in conversations throughout a good chunk of your life, it might behoove you to find ways to make it less stressful. And even for those of us who are extroverted and can chat with anyone, there are ways in which we can make our communication more impactful.

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Mental Health

Stop struggling with small talk by using the simple 'FORD method'

This'll make your next party a lot easier.

via Gary Barnes/Pexels

Using the FORD method to make small talk.

There are many reasons why people are nervous about entering social situations where they have to make small talk, such as a work event, a party where they don’t know many people, or at school. Some people don’t enjoy small talk because they get frustrated talking about seemingly unimportant topics.

At the same time, others are shy and afraid they’ll say the wrong thing or run out of topics of conversation. Psychologists suggest those who are uncomfortable knowing what to say should use the FORD method. It’s an acronym that’s an easy way to remember four different topics of conversation that work with just about anyone.

According to Nicole Arzt, M.S., L.M.F.T at Social Self, FORD stands for Family, Occupation, Recreation and Dreams.

Family

Just about everyone has a family, so it’s a great way to ask someone to share some information about their personal lives without being too forward. Arzt suggests the following questions when making small talk:

Do you have any siblings?

How did you two meet? (if you are meeting a couple for the first time)

How old is your child?

How is your____ (sister, brother, mother, etc.) doing since ____ (event that happened?)

Occupation

Just like a family, almost everyone has a job. Or, if they do not, that can be an interesting topic as well. Here are some starter questions you can ask someone about their job.

What do you do for a living?

How do you like working at _____?

What’s your favorite part of your job?

What made you interested in becoming a _____?

Recreation

You can learn a lot about a person after knowing how they spend their free time. It’s also an excellent way to determine if someone is like-minded and shares the same interests. Here are some questions to get the ball rolling:

What do you like to do for fun?

Have you watched (or read) ______(popular show/book)?

What are you up to this weekend?

Dreams

Learning someone’s hope for the future can tell you much about who they are on a deeper level. They may have just told you about their current job or how they spend their time. But, ultimately, what do they wish to do with their lives? Here’s how to ask someone about their dreams.

Where do you hope to be working in the next few years?

Where would you like to travel?

What’s something you’d like to try in the future?

Would you ever consider trying _____ (particular hobby or activity)?

Arzt also notes that you shouldn’t just be an interviewer. You have to talk about yourself, too. In other words, you need a mutual take-and-give. “Pay attention to someone else's answers and think about how you can draw from your own experience to connect," she wrote.

Not sure how much to say during a conversation? Follow the 43:57 rule. A numbers guy at Gong.io analyzed over 25,000 sales calls with AI and found the perfect speaking-to-listening ratio. Sales soared when the salesperson talked 43% of the time and listened for 57%.

Even though this insight is from business calls, it applies to everyday social interactions. It's really about listening and making the other person feel special. After all, who doesn't love feeling heard and appreciated?

This article originally appeared last year.

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Health

Experienced psychologist says this overlooked trait is 'essential' when making small talk

It'll make people think you're captivating.

via Canva/Photos

Some folks chit-chatting at a party.

Making small talk with someone you don’t know very well can cause a lot of anxiety. What if you get stuck in a boring conversation about the weather? What if the conversation loses momentum and you both stand there silently? What if the person thinks that you’re boring?

Psychologist Jennice Vilhauer, Ph. D., has some great advice to make you feel better equipped to talk with a stranger at a party or on a first date. The big takeaway is that people will find you interesting, not necessarily because of what you say but how you make them feel. Vilhauer says that curiosity is one of the most vital conversation skills most people don’t consider.

Vilahuer is the developer of Future Directed Therapy (FDT) and author of the best-selling “Think Forward to Thrive: How to Use the Mind's Power of Anticipation to Transcend Your Past and Transform Your Life.”

What’s the best way to make small talk?

“One of the most underrated skills that can transform your dating life is curiosity,” Vilhauer writes in Psychology Today. “Not only does curiosity provide you with important information and make you a better conversationalist, but it also signals interest, openness and emotional intelligence—qualities that create deeper relationships.”

The funny thing is that, according to Vilhauer, most people aren’t taking advantage of this conversation superpower.

“It is surprising how many people report going on dates where the other person only talks about themself,” Vilhauer continues. “The talker might be having a great time because they enjoy being listened to. The other person, however, feels like the talker is disinterested, and he/she is probably quickly losing interest, too. Dating someone who doesn’t ask questions can feel like talking to a wall. Everyone, no matter who they are, has a story and wants to be understood.”

The key to being curious in a conversation is to ask plenty of open-ended questions that encourage the person to give a detailed response. If you’re talking to someone and they say, “I was born in Omaha, Nebraska.” Don’t counter with, “Great, I was born in Milwaukee.” The best thing to say is, “That’s cool. What did you like about Omaha?” or “Do you miss living in the Midwest?”

Here are some examples of open-ended questions that make you appear courteous.

“How did that make you feel?”

“What are they like?” (When they bring up a person from their life.)

“What’s your favorite memory of (thing from the past they discussed)?”

“What did you do next?”

If you show that you are genuinely curious, the person you’re talking to will take a shine to you because people enjoy sharing about themselves. They’ll also appreciate that you took the time to get to know them. Even if they spoke most of the conversation, they’d go home thinking, “Wow. They were really interesting.”

How much should I talk in a conversation?

This advice comes with a caveat. You shouldn’t be listening 100% of the time. Studies show that the best ratio for talking to listening is 43 to 57, so you let the other person do most of the speaking, but be sure to share about yourself as well.

Being curious in conversations isn't just about making the other person feel good. It also gives the conversation a greater chance to move from surface-level details, such as basic biographical information or what they do for a living, into the world of specific experiences, ideas and perspectives.

Curiosity can take your small talk and elevate to medium talk and even deep conversation.

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Joy

'This is how bad I overshare': Embarrassed woman shares funny small talk fail with stranger

"Why do I always give way more information than necessary?"

via Canva

Woman totally overshares with dog-walker.

Small talk makes many people uncomfortable. In fact, a 2023 poll found that 71% of Americans would rather sit in silence than chat about the weather, sports, or if the bus is on time with someone they don’t know very well.

A big reason people don’t like small talk is that they think it’s meaningless and boring. However, Julia Korn, a leadership and development writer at Forbes, says it’s important because it enables us to find common ground and shared interests, build muscles to overcome social discomfort, and lay the groundwork for transitioning into more serious, deeper topics.

Studies show that people feel a greater sense of belonging and happiness if they exchange a few pleasant words with the barista when buying a coffee.

A funny video on TikTok with over 1.2 million views shows how small talk can be a challenge for some people—even those who are happy to talk with a stranger. Lizzy, known as @lizelleperaza on the platform, filmed herself interacting with someone walking their dog in a park.

@lizelleperaza
Proof my small talk game is as unpredictable as the weather. At keast the dog didn’t judge me… I think #awkward #adhd #autistic #weathertalk #awkwardbuttrue #lgbtq #cringe #morningreflections

"It's warm out here today!" someone could be heard saying off-camera, and Lizzy enthusiastically responded with a lot of information for a brief encounter. "Yes, I was wearing a sweatshirt yesterday when I went out, and today I had to take it off right away when I got outside," she said. After realizing she could have just said, “Sure is!” she turned back and gave an embarrassing look at the camera.

“Proof my small talk game is as unpredictable as the weather. At least the dog didn’t judge me… I think,” Lizzy captioned the video.

The great thing about the moment of embarrassment was that so many people who watched it could relate.

“Several years ago, someone said ‘You have pretty teeth” and I said “Thanks, I floss every day,” and I think about that moment often,” Cattie wrote. “When you're halfway through the reply and you already know you messed up, but you can't stop mid-sentence, cause that would be more weird,” Brianne added.

Shanny knew precisely what was happening in Lizzy’s head: “She caught you off guard with a question you hadn't previously mentally scripted and then you panicked,” she wrote.

Keeks had a good point. Sometimes, a short answer to a small talk question isn’t enough and makes everyone uncomfortable. “I'm the opposite. I say the ‘sure is’ and rethink that interaction all day, feeling like I missed out on human connection,” they wrote.

How to stop oversharing

If you watched Lizzy’s TikTok video and could relate to it because you have an oversharing problem, Krista Brown has a great tip she shared at The Science of People that could help you reveal the right amount of information next time you make small talk. She says to slow down before you speak.

“Take a breath before answering a question or jumping into a story,” Brown writes. “Think to yourself, ‘Is what I’m about to share relevant, interesting, or helpful to the person I’m speaking with.’”

Ultimately, Lizzy’s interaction with the dog walker may have been awkward for her, but that one-on-one interaction wound up helping a lot of people. It was a great example of the awkwardness we all feel when forced to respond to someone out of nowhere. Lizzy may have wanted to disappear after her response, but the moment made many people feel seen.

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People are helping introverts by sharing their go-to 'small talk' topics

Here are 14 great ideas.

via Pexels

People chatting at a party.

A lot of people feel uncomfortable starting up conversations with strangers in social settings. It’s not that they don’t want to meet people, they’re just not sure what to say.

There's an art to small talk and some people are incredibly at ease starting up a conversation and coming up with things to say. They know how to get things moving without being obvious and seem to do this effortlessly.

A Reddit user named Blugged Bunny asked the online forum “What is your go-to 'small talk' topic with strangers?” and although the question may not have intentionally been to help introverts, there were a lot of great suggestions for people who are uncomfortable making small talk.

It seems the best ideas are questions and statements that are about the current setting and situation. The truly great small talk artists know that the best way into a conversation is to allow the other person to talk about themselves.

It’s also helpful to bring up topics that everyone can speak to whether that’s family, pets, weather, sports or articles of clothing. I once knew a guy who was single and whenever he went out he wore a “Livestrong” bracelet that he got from Lance Armstrong’s cancer charity. He told me that it “Gives women an easy conversation-starter if they want to talk to me. They’ll ask, 'Why are you wearing that? Isn’t Lance Armstrong, a cheater?'" That would begin a great debate over whether Armstrong was such a bad guy, after all he’s done for people with cancer.

Here are 14 of the best go-to small talk topics from the Reddit thread.

1.

"Make an observation. Literally anything. It helps if it’s something about them like an article of clothing that catches your eye, something they’re doing, anything that you can relate to or are interested in but it doesn’t have to be. It can be something in the environment that is drawing both of your attention. People bullshit about the weather all the time. Once you’ve got something to work with, the key is to ask. ... Let them do the talking. People love talking about themselves. You learn some light-hearted things about the stranger, they feel more comfortable, and you can add bits and bobs of your own experiences in response so they get to know you too. It works in literally any situation. From an elevator ride to a first date. It’s so easy to personalize small talk and it makes it so much less uncomfortable." — arrocknroll.

2.

"Have you ever tried Ayahuasca?" — KarmicBreath

This comment kicked off a funny response from Sinsaraly:

"Love this. My friend once spent a few hours in a car with poet Allen Ginsberg. The very first thing he said to her was “what drugs do you do?”

3.

"The weather is a good one. everyone shares it. I'm a guy and i do not give one shit about professional sports or cars and it's like a social disability." — Mr_Mojo_Risin

4.

Hobbies. "Pretty much everyone has something they're either super passionate about or really rather good at, so a conversation about hobbies pretty much always moves from 'small talk' to 'genuine interest' pretty damn fast." — Trashpanda692

5.

"Something in our environment that we can both relate to. You have to make it easy for them to give a response. Mild humour usually works as it is light-hearted and unthreatening." — ScallywagsTV2

6.

"Usually people love to talk about themselves, so a few questions about them and some follow up questions to their answers usually does it." — I_Can_See_The_Music

7.

"I try to think of random things. Like a favorite animal or star, talking about something in the room. Usually is stupid dad jokes." — UncreativeGlory

8.

"I try to come up with questions regarding the situations we are in. Like, 'Hey you know any good place around here to get a decent meal?"' — Chromerix

9.

"Food. People typically love food. I mention I’m new/newer to an area. And ask them what they like, where they eat out. Usually works and people have their choices validated and I always know where to find good local snacks." — TheProfWife

10.

"If it’s a woman, I’d compliment them on something I like (bag/shoes/makeup/a book they’re reading) and then try to find common ground for there. For men, I’d try something neutral so it doesn’t seem like I’m trying to hit on them. Perhaps weekend plans, work etc." — llovejoy1234

11.

"Biggest animal you think you could take in a fight." — RizziJoy

12.

"I usually bring up home renovations. Especially if the small talk confined us to a space for quite some time. Like a wedding, business conference etc. I can always find people who are not only working on different parts of their homes, but enjoy talking about them. Learned a thing or two along the line as well!" — Calm-Ad

13.

"Did you ever hear the Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise?" — HowToDoNot

14.

"F.O.R.D. Family/Occupation/Recreation/Dreams

Family: Do they have kids? If so, people love to talk about their kids. How many, what ages, what grades are they in in school? If they are older (High School/College) what are they studying? Do they play sports/music? If family is not a comfortable subject (you don't feel like asking about spouse and kids and such) then move on to Occupation
Occupation: What do they do for a living? How long? Do they like it? Did they go to school for it? How did they get into it?
Recreation: What do they like to do in their free time? Hobbies? What sports do they like to watch? Do they play any sports? Do they do anything active? Do they do anything artistic or musical?

Dreams: What are they currently looking forward to in life? Is there a big vacation coming up? Are the kids graduating from School? Are they training for a major athletic event (marathon or some other competition)?

This is usually my go-to when making small talk and it's usually enough to get me to some sort of common ground that our conversation can build off organically." — khamylion

This article originally appeared on 5.5.22

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