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Going out for dinner, drinks, and dessert might make you feel sleepy; not sexy.

Physical intimacy is important in long term relationships. Somewhere between 15-40 percent of married couples are in what's defined as a "sexless" relationship, meaning it's normal for you to go a month or more without doing the deed. That doesn't mean all those people are unhappy, of course. When couples are on the same page about their frequency, even if it's low, everything can be hunky dory! But it's also often the case that one or more partners want more, and are frustrated. That's not a recipe for a happy relationship, not because the physical act itself is vital, but because a lack of sex usually has root causes like poor communication, less intimacy, or a lack of quality time together. When issues like this pile up and go unaddressed, divorce is a common endpoint.

But almost everyone has experienced those days or evenings where you have the best of intentions, you really do. You've secured a babysitter, carved out time for each other, and put all your ducks in a row for a romantic evening. But after a night out, you're just utterly exhausted! Does that mean you aren't attracted to each other anymore, that you don't love anymore, or that you're on a runaway train to Splitsville?

A sex therapist has one surprising solution for couples to try: Reverse the order of operations.

In other (slightly crass) words, "F*ck first."

marriage, couples, marriage advice, marriage tips, dating advice, love, relationships, relationship advice, sex, divorceIs doing "it" before going out a marriage-saving life hack? Photo by Womanizer Toys on Unsplash

Vanessa Marin is a licensed psychotherapist with 20 years of experience as a sex therapist. She's made it her mission, along with her husband Xander, to help married couples keep their spark alive with really down-to-earth, practical tips shared on social media (and some funny skits, too).

In one recent video, the Marin's challenge everything we thought we knew about date night:

"You're on the way out the door for a sexy date night," the couple narrates. "But stop, you're already doing it wrong."

In the skit, Xander then turns to his wife and cheekily says: "Oh my god, babe. We forgot to f*ck first."

"The whole idea is you have sex before you go out on date night or out to a big party," she says, "because, let's be honest, once you start eating, drinking, staying up late, it's really hard to get excited about having sex after a big night."

She then urges her viewers to try out the little tweak to the usual routine and let her know how it goes.

Warning: This video contains strong language.


@vanessaandxander

Watch this before your next big night out! We’re in the holiday party season—which means eating, drinking, staying up late, and falling asleep before intimacy can happen. 🥺 Use the "F*ck First" rule to increase the likelihood of intimacy. Instead of waiting until the end of the night, prioritize intimacy *before* you go out. 🍷🍽 Think about it—by the time the date's over, most of us feel full, bloated, tipsy, or just plain tired. And honestly, all you probably want to do is crash into bed, right? 😴 By putting intimacy first, you’ll avoid the post-date slump and create a stronger connection for the rest of the evening. 💫 And share this with your partner so they know what you’ll be up to before your next date night! 😏 #relationshiptips #forcouples #marriedlife #datenight #ignitethespark #spicytime

Marin explains in the video that the "f*ck first" rule was initially developed by love and sex columnist Dan Savage.

In an interview with GQ, the famous author of the column Savage Love explained that the concept actually came to him around Valentine's Day, when disappointed couples would email him the day after to ask if their relationship was doomed because they hadn't "consummated" their big evening out with their partner.

Warning: This quote contains even more strong language.

"They got flowers, they got chocolate, they got taken out to dinner, but they didn't [have sex]. And I would look at that trajectory: flowers (who gives a shit), chocolate (I love chocolate), a big heavy romantic meal with wine and crème brulée and everything else... and who wants to f*ck after that? So, if you want to make sure you get f*cked on Valentine's Day, f*ck first, then go out to dinner. ... Then when you go home you won't be going home to performance anxiety or disappointment if nothing happens."

He doesn't mince words, but you can't argue with his logic.

@vanessaandxander

Waiting for secs to “just happen”? 😬 That’s a fast track to frustration and missed connection. Initiating isn’t just about getting things started—it’s about owning your desire, showing your partner you want them, and keeping that spark alive 🔥 When you’re proactive, you’re creating a shared experience—not leaving it up to chance or falling into a one-sided rut. Take the lead. Take up space. Be an equal player in your pleasure. ✨

The video racked up nearly two million views and tons of opinions from people in relationships.

Many agreed with the approach and admitted to practicing it themselves to great results.

"it also builds a great connection for the rest of the night"

"This has worked great for us! Plus if we’re still up for it later… that’s just an added bonus."

"tried it, we just stayed in bed and watched Netflix. 10/10 would recommend."

"My hubby and I have done this for years lol. It’s a great tip!"

"me and my bf call this 'quickie before the function'"

But others felt the "rule" offered up some logistical challenges, especially for parents.

"Explain this to the babysitter for me"

"Nothing like our kids screaming outside our door to really set the mood"

A few commenters had concerns they'd never make it out to dinner if they did this, while others saw it as a perk.

"I can’t go out with my hair and make up ruined," said one.

Of course, falling asleep is always a major concern. Sex is tiring yet relaxing, and releases a combination of neurochemicals that's proven to make us sleepy. So, if you choose to practice this technique, you may wind up missing out on socialization time and the fun bonding you'd planned with your partner.

So, it seems there are no silver bullets for busy couples looking to make more time for intimacy. There will almost always be something getting in the way or fighting for your attention (like kids... always the kids). But if you've got your communication and affection down, and you just need a little extra time and energy, Marin's suggestion might just work wonders for your relationship.

Health

17-year-old launches fascinating "Sperm Racing" league to get people talking about male fertility

"When you really think about it, we all won our own individual sperm races to get onto this planet," one viewer said.

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Ladies and gentlemen, place your bets on the healthiest and most mobile sperm!

At one point or another, we all saw the videos in health class that explained how babies are made. A pivotal scene in these educational films is the inevitable race between sperm as they make their way through the cervix and uterus in a frantic rush to reach the egg before they're destroyed. It's really wild to think about—out of hundreds of millions of sperm released during sex, only one (1!) will successfully penetrate the outer layer of the egg and achieve fertilization.

And even that is not guaranteed. Successful conception requires the right timing and environmental factors in the woman's body, and it also requires strong, healthy, mobile sperm. The odds are long, and only the best can survive!

It's a wonder it took someone so long to come up with the brilliant idea: Sperm races!

sperm, sexual health, fertility, infertility, men, men's health, mens fertility, sexAnd they're off to the races!Giphy

A 17-year-old "student and entrepreneur" from California named Eric Zhu recently had the idea to pit men against each other to see who had the healthier, stronger sperm.

The whole thing has the atmosphere of a supercharged UFC fight. There's a live crowd, a pre-match weigh in, professional hype crew. There's music and lights. Apparently, if you attend a bout, you can even bet on the results of the race.

After the contestants provide a, uh, sample, the sperm are introduced onto a tiny track that mimics the shape of the female reproductive system complete with "chemical signals, fluid dynamics, and synchronized starts." Using a sophisticated series of microscopes and high-tech cameras, every movement of the sperm are tracked as the two contestant's quite literally race to the finish line.

The "athletes" recruited even train before the big showdown by honing in on their diets, workout routines, and mental discipline.

On stage at the event, the Sperm Racing team showed a video that alleged to represent a real-live sperm race. In reality, reporters later found out, the video shown was merely a 3D representation of a race that had been conducted beforehand behind closed doors.

The authenticity of the race and competition is still up for debate. Still pretty entertaining though if you can suspend your disbelief:

It's complete insanity, with a heavy hand on the marketing and hype. But it's (mostly) for a good cause. Zhu launched Sperm Racing to start a broader conversation around male fertility, which is seeing an alarming decline.

Around the globe, men's sperm quality and counts are suffering, in part due to environmental factors, diet, and more. Fertility is so often seen and discussed as a women's issue, but more men need to know they play an important role. Certain factors are out of our control, but diet, exercise, sleep, stress management, and more can actually play a massive role in sperm quality.

Male infertility is responsible for about half of all infertility, which is what you would expect. But did you know that sperm quantity and quality also play a major role in embryo development, miscarriage risk, birth weight, fetal health, and likelihood of other pregnancy complications? If not, you're not alone. We don't talk about this nearly enough.

sperm, sexual health, fertility, infertility, men, men's health, mens fertility, sexHaving healthy sperm is way more important than most people realize.Giphy

There are some fair criticisms of Sperm Racing, to be clear. Some commenters find the whole thing gross and off-putting, and it's worth questioning why we need to wrap men's health in this hyper-macho, sports-like packaging for people to take it seriously. There's talk on the official Sperm Racing website of setting up an official league, the best competitors becoming professional athletes. "Where legends are born," the eye-rolling manifesto reads. It reeks of the same men who won't get their regular prostate exams because they think it's "gay" (yes, that's really a thing).

And, of course, there are still many questions about the authenticity of the science behind Sperm Racing, and the ethics behind letting people bet on something that may be pre-determined and not actually performed live.

Then again, the whole thing is just so absolutely, absurdly ridiculous that it can't help but generate headlines and grab attention. And maybe that's exactly the point. Having a salad and going for a run to improve your sexual health isn't overly exciting. But training for a chance to win the Sperm Racing championship belt? Now that's guaranteed to get a few reluctant dudes up off the couch, even if they have no real intention of competing.

Love Stories

Woman's 'controversial' take on breakups illustrates our shifting attitudes about divorce

She claims she's "never thought" one of her newly single friends made the wrong choice.

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More women than ever are being empowered to leave bad relationships.

Did you know that almost half of all people have gotten back together with an ex at some point after ending the relationship? It's so common that it's almost become a joke. Uh oh, don't let your friend have too many drinks or she'll start texting her ex. We all know trying to revive a dead romance as a comically bad idea in almost all cases.

But surely there are exceptions. There must be cases where people break up for silly or inconsequential reasons when they're really better off together. There have to be people out there who really should try to win their ex back, right? Depending on who you listen to, this may be true for men. For women? Well...

A woman recently went viral for a simple but powerful observation about her newly single friends: They're all doing just fine.

relationships, chelsea handler, love, sex, dating, breakups, divorceChelsea Handler gets it: Being single is better than being with the wrong person.Giphy

The woman, who goes by @devonstephen on TikTok, mused that in all of her experience with her female friends leaving their partners, it's always been the right decision.

"I have never met a divorced woman and never been friends with a girl going through a breakup who, after they leave their partner, I've thought, you need him back. 'Go get him back girl.' I've never thought that."

She didn't directly elaborate on why she thought that was the case, but viewers were able to fill in the context and implications quite easily. The short, 15-second clip struck a huge nerve with women everywhere, racking up over half a million views and hundreds of comments.

@devonstephen

this is my official stance on divorce #girlhood #bigsister #fyp

Though the opinion seemed controversial, commenters overwhelmingly agreed:

Seems every woman who chimed in had a story about a friend, or even themselves, coming out on the other side of a breakup better off:

"I've also never met a divorced woman doing worse in life after the divorce. They always level up"

"I've NEVER thought, 'her loss'"

"I have never met a woman who left a man and regretted it; only regretted not leaving sooner."

"Every time I tell an older woman that I’m divorced she tells me congratulations and means it"

"it’s always, 'thank god finally' she’s always so much better off!!"

"When I talk to all my elders, the grandmas and the tias, they all tell me to stay single and enjoy the life they never got to live. Watching them in their relationships makes it real bc they suffered"

It sounds harsh, and of course it doesn't reflect 100% of reality, but the comments were extremely illuminating when it comes to a rising sentiment.


@devonstephen

Replying to @itsame! 🇨🇦 the hot girl trifecta: strong, healthy, wealthy (in so many ways) #fyp #girlhood #bigsister #breakup

The latest data shows that about 41% of first marriages end in divorce. For those that get remarried, the numbers rise drastically. Divorce rates rose for decades before peaking around 1980 and going into a gradual decline in subsequent years. A stunning 70% of these divorces are initiated by women.

In the past, women, especially, were locked into bad marriages because of a lack of financial independence and the non-existence of no-fault divorce. No-fault divorce laws were introduced in the 1970s and allowed either party to leave a marriage without assigning fault or blame to the other party. These laws gave women more agency to leave marriages and some argue they even save lives to this day by allowing women to escape domestic violence without having to prove it in court.

The relatively high divorce rate (though it's down quite a bit from its peak) is often pointed to as a bad thing or as a sign of a crumbling society. But that point of view misses the bigger context. It's become more culturally acceptable to divorce, and fewer people are trapped for life in loveless or broken relationships. Women, in particular, have been empowered and given agency to leave bad, abusive, or unhappy situations.

It's probably an oversimplification to claim that women are never at fault in a break up with a solid guy or can't make mistakes in an otherwise good relationship, but the point of the video stands that, in general, when women leave a partner, it's usually for a good reason. And the difference in 2025 is that they're more empowered culturally and legally to do so, and get on with living their best lives.

Unsplash

This is an adorable problem to have.

When we get married, we understand that we're signing up for a lifelong commitment. We understand that the love we have for our partner will change and grow and evolve over time. The frantic, can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other passion we feel in the beginning is bound to fade into something more closely resembling compassionate love, which is a love of devotion and care and kindness. That's why we ideally choose someone we can see ourselves growing old with, someone we genuinely like, a best friend.

Except, it turns out, that isn't always the case! Not if you take some people's word for it, anyway. And when you're expecting a "cozy but bland" marriage and suddenly find yourself in the opposite, well, it can be alarming.

An unnamed social media user recently posted a frantic message asking for help: "Why am I too attracted to my wife?"

gif of a man counting on his fingers surrounded by floating calculationsIt it sounds weird, it is kinda weird. Giphy

"I know this sounds weird," the poster wrote. "But I have been with my wife for about 10 years, 8 years dating and almost 2 married. I have always found her beautiful and super hot, but lately these last few months I’m obsessing over her. I feel like she’s way too hot, I can’t stop staring at her when we’re in the same room.

"Is this normal? Do I need to do something? I tried looking online for help, but there isn’t anything out there. I have no friends or family to ask about this."

Poor guy probably thought he was going through a hormone imbalance or some kind of mental break, when the truth is much more wholesome: Dude is just really in love with his wife.

Comments poured in. Apparently, OP isn't the only one with this 'problem'

Users on r/mademesmile had a lot to say about the man's adorable obliviousness:

The weird truth is also pretty wholesome.Giphy

"No need to worry. I’ve done the same thing over my 26 year marriage. Some years it’s there. Some years it’s normal attraction."

"You do need to do something. Count your blessings."

"You can't be TOO attracted to your wife. ... I've been married to mine for 21 years, and I still look at her in the way you have just described"

"I definitely haven't been with my wife as long, but I still do this. She is a goddess to me. I would die for her. I would kill for her. Either way, what bliss."

"I hope my partner looks at me the same way you look at your wife after 10 years. It's a big fear for a lot of young women my age, getting older and having age show. Give her a big ol' smooch and make it known you see her this way if you haven't already."

"My husband and I have been together 16 1/2 years. I still get butterflies in my stomach when he kisses me. Sometimes I catch him watching me with, what I call, 'googley eyes'"

"I feel the same way! We’re 18 years married, 20 years together. Sometimes I catch him looking a certain way, or in a certain light, and I’m like DAMN you SO FINE."

"You're just really in love with your wife and it's wholesome AF"

So, are all these couples just embellishing to make their relationships look good? Or can you really still get the 'butterflies' after decades together?

Studies show that it is possible, and even common, for married couples to be "madly in love" after decades of marriage. That should give us all hope.

A 2011 study out of Stony Brook University found that dopamine activity levels in the brains of newly-in-love couples were similar to couples who had been together for an average of 21 years. Dopamine, as a reminder, is the excitement neurotransmitter that signals reward and pleasure to your brain.

“A state-of-the-art investigation of love has confirmed for the very first time that people are not lying when they say that after 10 to 30 years of marriage they are still madly in love with their partners,” an expert told Harvard Medical School.

gif of Bug Bunny with heart eyesAh, love. Giphy

How does that work when the 'newness' and initial uncertainty has worn off? Fascinatingly, the things we learn and discover about our partners, even many years down the line, can influence our physical attraction to them. Leila Levison, a couples counselor, writes: "Discovering that someone is arrogant or intractable or selfish might greatly lessen our initial impression of their being handsome or beautiful. Conversely, as we come to know someone’s humility or quiet brilliance, what had seemed to be ordinary features become beautiful."

So, a sudden rush of love and physical attraction to your partner could mean many things, one of them being that you've reached new heights of connection and intimacy. It could mean that you're appreciating them as a human being more than ever. These feelings can be cyclical, coming in waves, ebbing and flowing in different years. That's all totally normal.

If you're not feeling those same sparks in your own relationship, experts recommend starting with more physical touch. Doubling the amount of time you spend kissing, hugging, or holding hands can encourage your body to release oxytocin, one of the main hormones that floods your brain when you're falling in love. In way, you can almost trick the sparks to come back.

Hey, all is fair in love and war!