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How 7 things that have nothing to do with rape perfectly illustrate the concept of consent.

Well this is all a very brilliant way to show what it's all about.

mage from Everyday Feminism, used with permission by creator Alli Kirkham.

There are many different scenarios where consent is necessary.

In 2013, Zerlina Maxwell ignited a firestorm of controversy when she strongly recommended we stop telling women how to not get raped.

Here are her words, from the transcript of her appearance on Sean Hannity's show:

"I don't think that we should be telling women anything. I think we should be telling men not to rape women and start the conversation there with prevention."

So essentially—instead of teaching women how to avoid rape, let's raise boys specifically to not rape.

There was a lot of ire raised from that idea. Maxwell was on the receiving end of a deluge of online harassment and threats because of her ideas. The backlash was egregious, but sadly, it's nothing new. Such reactions are sadly common for outspoken women on the Internet.

People assumed it meant she was labeling all boys as potential rapists or that every man has a rape-monster he carries inside him unless we quell it from the beginning.

But the truth is most of the rapes women experience are perpetrated by people they know and trust. So, fully educating boys during their formative years about what constitutes consent and why it's important to practice explicitly asking for consent could potentially eradicate a large swath of acquaintance rape. It's not a condemnation on their character or gender, but an extra set of tools to help young men approach sex without damaging themselves or anyone else.

screenshot from Hannity show

Zerlina Maxwell is interviewed on "Hannity."

Image from “Hannity."

But what does teaching boys about consent really look like in action?

Well, there's the viral letter I wrote to my teen titled "Son, It's Okay If You Don't Get Laid Tonight" explaining his responsibility in the matter. I wanted to show by example that Maxwell's words weren't about shaming or blaming boys who'd done nothing wrong yet, but about giving them a road map to navigate their sexual encounters ahead.

There are also rape prevention campaigns on many college campuses, aiming to reach young men right at the heart of where acquaintance rape is so prevalent. The 2014 movement, "It's On Us," was backed by The White House and widely welcomed by many young men.

And then there are creative endeavors to find the right metaphors and combination of words to get people to shake off their acceptance of cultural norms and see rape culture clearly.

This is brilliant:

comics that illustrate consent

A comic about different types of consent.

Image from Everyday Feminism, used with permission by creator Alli Kirkham.

There you have it. Seven comparisons that anyone can use to show how simple and logical the idea of consent really is. Consent culture is on its way because more and more people are sharing these ideas and getting people to think critically. How can we not share an idea whose time has come?

This article originally appeared ten years ago.

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Love Stories

10 people share the 'perfect' thing to say when you see your spouse naked and it's adorable

"Hey you’re wearing my favorite outfit again.”

Darren Welsh/Unsplash

I think most people in longterm relationships eventually reach a point where seeing your partner step out of the shower doesn't really register for you. There becomes a "normal every day" nudity — changing clothes, bathing, etc. — that is not inherently sexual and therefore no longer warrants celebration.

Unfortunately, that sucks! No one wants to be ogled 24/7 when they're just trying to exist, but at the same time, no one wants to feel like they're invisible to their partner. It's a fine line, and it's easy to see why longterm spouses can lose sight of each other over time and stop appreciating the attraction that initially drew them together.

One guy took to Reddit with this exact conundrum: "My wife is upset that I don't say anything to compliment her when i see her naked, and thinks im not attracted to her even though i am," the user wrote.

He then asked for suggestions on what a husband might say in a situation like this, and the guys and gals of AskMen had thoughts. Here are some of the best responses:

two grey fruits Photo by Nik on Unsplash

The suggestions ranged from the funny or corny...

My husband says “Hey you’re wearing my favorite outfit again” and 12 years later I still blush lol - Impressive_Bat3090

(Side note: I'm stealing this one.)

"You know at the beginning of 'Saving Private Ryan' where Tom Hanks gets an explosive right next to him and he is just trying to focus and there is that high pitched hum and slowly he realises that someone is trying to communicate with him and the humming slowly goes away and he kinda snaps out of it? - Yeah, that's what happens when you walk out naked" -
Tacozy

maybe a 'Dayummmmm' , another user added.

... to the simple yet effective.

I always stop and stare. No matter what I was doing, or about to do. If she takes off her clothes. I stop and stare with a big ass dumb grin on my face. She loves it. ... Also, I can hear when she is finished with the shower. I always manage to just walk in at the right time. ... I will say “WELL HELLO!” - Tollin74

I always say "my god... i'm so lucky!" - Lehvinn

Stare for a bit with a big ol smile. When she asks what you're doing say something along the lines of, "just enjoying the view" Before you walk away - Rexis717

I can also just stop whatever I'm doing drop my jaw and go "wow", "well hello sexy" or whatever else comes to my mind (which usually isn't much at these moments, but that doesn't seem to hurt). I will find my own way of telling her I can't focus when she's naked. Felt like a cave man who can't control his urges doing some of these things in the beginning, but once I noticed that she really enjoys it and that it makes her feel beautiful.. I'm all on board. She deserves feeling every bit like the queen she is in my eyes and more. - onehandedbraunlocker

And some people's stories of how much a little appreciation means to them absolutely blew me away.

My man out of nowhere, whether I’m naked or not, will grab me at random moments and kiss me properly and then hold my face, look in to my eyes and say something like ‘my god you’re a beautiful woman. … we are mid 50s and together many years. What do you love about her physically ? Tell her that. It doesn’t have to be overtly sexual, she’s seeking reassurance and validation. - whatpelican00

My guy just consistently gets happy when I'm naked. He voices his appreciation, sometimes with a dirty word, sometimes with a sweet one, and sometimes he comes closer to touch me. It really makes me feel good about myself. ... It's all about being joyful and sharing the love. - TourquoiseTortoise

And just in case you thought you'd get through this thread without at least one tear-jerker...

My husband intrudes on almost every shower or when I'm changing for a change to peek at skin. If he sees me naked or dressing, he's instantly trying every possible move and pick up line known to man. I feel like if he sees shoulder skin or even an ankle he'll come at me. Sometimes it gets frustrating; but let me tell you. I know he wants me or at least is really good at pretending. We've been together 19 years and this man is still chasing. I have fluctuated massively in my weight having birthed 4 sons and 6 miscarriages. Anywhere from 245 my heaviest to 129 my lightest. Didn't matter, one bit... I could be 600 pounds. This man makes sure to always tell me I'm beautiful and makes me feel so loved and wanted. - queensfanobs81

Experts say it's common for couples to begin taking each other for granted after a while, but it can be combatted with small gestures and a little effort.

round yellow fruit Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash

"When have seen your partner naked or in nice underwear for thousands of times, you tend to not pay as much attention to it as you might should be, and the life puzzle makes it extra difficult to stop up and think 'Hey, I love the looks of my partner and they’re so darn attractive'" says Sofie Roos, a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist and writer with Passionerad.

It's also true that as our relationships grow and deepen far beyond physical attraction, which is a good thing, losing sight of our partner's beauty can be an unfortunate side effect. All of us want a look, a touch, a physical compliment every now and then just to be reminded that our partner hasn't forgotten — especially if you're just standing right there in plain sight!

Genuine, specific, and playful comments work best in these scenarios. Something like "You look beautiful," while well-meaning, is a bit of a platitude and can come across empty, even if you mean it. Try to get creative!

Sean O'Neill, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist recommends, "Instead of saying 'You look beautiful' you could say 'That dress doesn’t stand a chance against you' or 'I’m so glad only I get to see this,' playfully. The aim is to make your spouse feel uniquely valued."

And if your brain locks up and you feel awkward and can't think of anything, a playful "Nice butt," never hurt anyone.


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Pop Culture

An OnlyFans star had sex with 101 men in a single day and shared how it affected her mental health

This is why more young people are saying "No Thanks" to casual hookups.

lillyphillipstokk/TikTok & Josh Pieters/YouTube

In the absence of proper sex education in many parts of the country, more and more people are turning to online pornography to learn how things work. In that case, people will be very interested to hear about the curious case of Lily Phillips. The 23-year-old OnlyFans star recently took on an ambitious, if a little gross, challenge: She was going to sleep with 100 men in just 24 hours.

Lily spent months "training" for the stunt, and on the big day, invited a documentary filmmaker along to record what was sure to be a wild journey. The guys were recruited through Lily's large fanbase and flew in to meet her from all over the world. During the stunt, they would take turns coming into the room where they would make small talk, hang their clothes up, and have about 2-3 minutes each with Lily.

One guy brought a single rose.

The most interesting part of filmmaker Josh Pieter's documentary, however, is the aftermath. Immediately afterwards, Lily told the film crew she was feeling physically fine. But anyone watching can clearly see that she is physically and, more importantly, emotionally exhausted.

"It's not for the weak girls, if I'm honest. It was hard, I don't know if I'd recommend it." She then gets emotional trying to describe the intensity of the experiment and has to walk off camera to collect herself.


Lily Phillips crying and collecting herself while being interviewed by documentary crewJosh Pieters/YouTube

Lily eventually opened up and said the thing that got to her was the awkwardness of some of the interactions, how uncomfortable it was at times and feeling pressure to show the guys "a good time," worrying that some of them didn't like her or were disappointed in the experience, or in her. Some of the men guilted her for not spending more time with them or not fulfilling certain expectations they had going in.

I know, I know. It's hard to feel too bad for her knowing she came up with this idea on her own to grow her business and willingly participated. But hearing her reflect on the aftermath is a surprisingly human and affecting moment. Most non-adult stars will, obviously, never attempt such a stunt. But the emotions Lily was feeling at the end of the day still seem awfully relatable to us regular human-beings.

Even the documentary director was surprised by Lily's reaction. "I certainly didn't expect to see Lily so upset at the end of it all," Josh Pieters said. "I thought perhaps in years to come she might look back on this day in sadness, but not so instantly afterwards."

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Casual sex has its upsides for some people, but it's emotionally fraught for all parties and has been linked to negative mental health outcomes.

It might be a stretch to call an OnlyFans content stunt "casual sex," but there's a lot we can learn by the end of Lily and Josh's documentary. VerywellMind writes that casual hookups can damage your health in many different ways. There's a risk of disappointment, regret, damaged self-esteem, depression, embarrassment, and more.

Even a so-called professional can't escape some of these emotions! So us normies have to be really careful. It's not that hookups are inherently bad, but a lot of people jump into them without setting expectations, communicating well, and properly thinking through how they're going to feel at the end.

This is a big reason younger generations like Gen Z have been moving away from the casual dating and hooking up culture previous generations were big on.

Global Dating Insights writes that young people report "feeling burnt out, anxious, and disconnected after engaging in short-term flings or casual hookups" and are more likely to seek platonic or long-term romantic relationships — though there are other factors involved in this shift, as well.

A 28-year-old woman told the LA Times, "“[Not having sex] helps me relax,” she said. “It’s not that I don’t care about how I look or how I come off to other people. But I have a little extra help caring less about it, because I don’t have to worry about attracting specific kinds of people for specific things.”

A 21-year-old wrote in to Men's Health curious why everyone he met seemed to only want a romantic relationship or be "demisexual," which means they only feel attraction to someone after forming a strong emotional connection.

It's fascinating to see the pendulum start to swing in the opposite direction as become more aware of some of the mental-health downsides to a practice that has been commonplace for decades.

At the end of the day, feelings aside, the stunt was a huge success for Lily in terms of exposure and content. So much so that she quickly announced a new plan to break the world record for sexual partners in a 24 hour span by trying to reach 1,000 — the current record, for anyone wondering, is 919 set in 2004.

Good luck, we think?

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Family

Mother proudly teaches her five daughters that 'virginity doesn't exist' and it makes total sense

Sex shouldn't be associated with moral character.

via @Book_Mama/TikTok

Cayce LaCorte explains why virginity doesn't exist.

The concept of virginity is a very loaded issue in American culture. If a woman loses hers when she's too young she can be slut-shamed. If a man remains a virgin for too long, he can be bullied for not being manly enough. There is also a whole slew of religious mind games associated with virginity that can give people some serious psychological problems associated with sex.

Losing one's virginity has also been blown up way beyond proportion. It's often believed that it's a magical experience—it's usually not. Or that after having sex for the first time people can really start to enjoy living life—not the case. What if we just dropped all of the stigmas surrounding virginity and instead, replaced them with healthy attitudes toward sex and relationships?

Writer Cayce LaCorte is going viral on TikTok for the simple way she's taught her five daughters to think about virginity. They don't have to. LaCorte shared her parenting ideas on TikTok in response to mom-influencer Nevada Shareef's question: "Name something about the way you raised your kids that people think is weird but you think is healthy."

"I'm gonna get a lot of shit for this, but what are you gonna do?" she said in the video. "I'm raising my five daughters to believe that there is no such thing as virginity.

"It is a patriarchal concept used to control women and serves no purpose other than making women feel bad about ourselves," she explained. "Just because some guy randomly sticks his penis in you at some point in your life, it does not change your worth. It does not change who you are. It doesn't do anything other than it happened."

She also responded to those who may criticize her for encouraging promiscuity.

"Sex is important. It's a big deal; it should always be a big deal. It has nothing to do with your first time. It's just ridiculous. The whole concept is ridiculous," the video explained.

She also believes that sex shouldn't be so closely associated with one's moral character.

"I'm raising them to be good people and have solid foundations and make their own choices and make intelligent choices. Not because some book says not to," she concluded the video.

The video made a lot of people realize that virginity is so ingrained in our society that the concept is rarely questioned.

"I never really thought about this to be honest," one commenter wrote. "I will absolutely be adopting this!! Thank you for sharing."

"I have 2 girls, and I think this is how I will teach them when they are older. This would have made me feel more self worth when I was younger," Samantha wrote.

LaCorte's comments about women and virginity need to be heard. But there should also be more discussion around how men also fight the stigma associated with virginity.

There's an unwritten law that says men must lose their virginity by the age of 18 or by at least 21 or that somehow they are less of a man. For men that are virgins into their 20s, "Sex goes from being something to be enjoyed to a giant monolith of titanic proportions that casts a shadow over everything they do and who they are," dating coach Harris O'Malley writes.

Sex is a tricky issue that everyone should be able to approach in their own way, at their own time. It's great that LaCorte's video has gone viral for illustrating the fact that virginity is just another obstacle on the road to sexual maturity that shouldn't factor into whether we decide to have sex or not.

This article originally appeared three years ago.

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