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Mental Health

Wellness expert explains what 'self-care' really is and it's not what we've been sold

Self-care doesn't need to cost you a thing.

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Self-care is not what we've be taught one therapist explains

Self-care. It's something that has been co-opted by wellness influencers and gurus that somehow (and all-too-often) involves spending money on something luxurious. Self-care is often branded as things like pedicures, vacations, and hour-long massages at the spa, but according to Dr. Raquel Martin, we've been doing self-care all wrong.

In July 2024, Martin—a licensed psychologist—uploaded a video to her Instagram explaining what self-care is truly supposed to be. Spoiler alert? It's not meant to be indulgent. At least, indulgence shouldn't be an all-the-time expectation of self-care. Martin acknowledges that the wellness industry has monetized and conflated self-care with self-indulgence, and she explains that having self-care propped up as something that is indulgent isolates people who cannot afford those types of activities.

The psychological toll for conflating self-care with self-indulgence can get dangerously high. In the 2020 Psychology Today article, "Why Does Self-Care Sometimes Feel So Hard?", author and licensed psychologist Alicia H. Clark Psy.D notes that "indulgence stops being self-care when you feel guilty or unhappy with yourself, and this threshold is different for everyone." She goes on to say that "one person's self-caring indulgence can be another's gateway to self-harm, depending on your relationship with the activity, your capacity for moderation, and the reality of its consequences." This makes wellness influencers who tout a heavily indulgent, "treat yo' self" ideology of self-care all the more dangerous. Self-care is not one size fits all, and for those who struggle with self-discipline and moderation, the mindset can do more harm than good.

self-care, indulgence, moderation, treats, discipline Parks And Recreation Treat Yo Self GIFGiphy

So, what is self-care actually? How is it achieved? And is it always supposed to feel good? Dr. Martin goes on to share how she practices self-care, and what she lays out was surprising her viewers. According to Martin, "Self-care is not responding to every call and, if I do not have the bandwidth to have the conversation, stating that I don't have the bandwidth to have the conversation." She also notes that she says "No" to things she doesn't want to do, sets a financial budget, and does not drink caffeine after 4 p.m.

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These things might seem a little boring when compared to indulgent self-care, but one thing is clear: these self-care practices are actually good for Martin's body, health, and overall wellness.

Much of what Martin listed are things a lot of people don't consider as self-care, but in actuality, self-care is defined simply by taking care of one's self. This means practicing self-care is getting in a few minutes of exercise a day, drinking more water, or spending time with friends. You don't have to spend money to care for yourself.

yoga, exercise, movement, body, health, self-care A woman practices Yoga.Image via Canva.

Commenters were shocked and thankful for Martin's clarification on what self-care is actually supposed to be:

"Love this list!! As a massage therapist, I have to call out the misconception that massage is indulgent. I'm always telling my patients that self care is more than a bath. I will be sharing this list with my patients. I'm also trying to make massage more accessible," one person writes.

"Thank you for this post. I’m internalizing your advice to see how I can apply. You resonated with my thoughts on so many levels. However, you also provided some clarity and food for thought/fuel for action," another says.

"I really appreciate what you said about pallet cleansers! Sometimes I get frustrated with myself because I'm not able to read and consume and learn about all the issues different people are facing. It's really important to me to learn about those things, not just for awareness, but also so I can do something about it. But self care is so important throughout that, like leaving my phone in the other room, or watching my comfort shows like you said. I often read kids books or TV because of how horrible the world is right now, and I need something extremely wholesome to balance it out. Also, workshop? I'm not sure what that means but I like learning from you. Thanks," another viewer shares.

So, maybe it's time to collectively ditch those indulgent expectations of self-care and really take a look at ways we can actually care for ourselves instead.

This article originally appeared last year.

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Mental Health

What parents teach kids when we allow them to take a 'mental health day'

With zero hesitation—just a simple, "OK"—he turned the car around and took me home, and it's a lesson I've never forgotten.

Photo by Darwin Vegher on Unsplash

With one turn of the wheel, my dad taught me a lesson about self-care in high school that I'll never forget.

When I was in high school, I woke up one morning feeling overwhelmed. I was an honors student, I was involved in various activities and clubs, and for whatever reason, I felt thoroughly unprepared for the day. I don't recall if I had a test or a presentation or if it was just a normal school day that I couldn't face—I just remember feeling like I'd hit a wall and couldn't make my mental gears turn right.

I usually walked the mile and a half to school, but I was running late so my dad offered to drive me. In the car, I tried to keep it together, but halfway to school, the tears started to fall. My dad looked over and asked if I was OK.

"I don't know," I sobbed. "I feel like … I just … I need a day."

He knew I wasn't sick. He could have told me to tough it out. He could have given me a pep talk. He could have forced me to go. But he didn't do any of those things.

With zero hesitation—and just a simple "OK"—he turned the car around and took me home.

I have no memory of what I did the rest of that day. Three decades later, the only thing that sticks out is the basic-but-profound lesson my dad instilled in me the moment he turned that steering wheel: It's totally OK to take care of yourself.

We talked about it briefly on the way home. As it turned out, he was also taking a "mental health day." My dad was a social worker and, as an adult, I can totally understand why he would need to take a random day off sometimes. But it didn't really matter what he did for a living. Most of us need an occasional mental health day—adults, teens, and kids alike.

mental health day, mental health, relax, self care, kids, teens, adults Girl relaxing in nature. Image via Canva.

Some schools have begun incorporating this understanding into their school attendance policies. Utah passed a bill in 2018 that allows a mental health day to count as an excused absence from school. Oregon enacted a similar law in 2019 and Arizona, Colorado, Connecticut, Illinois, Maine, Nevada and Virginia have followed suit. In a 2023 article, Verywell Mind noted all the US states that are either allowing student mental health days or have proposed bills to get the ball rolling.

“Mental health days are not only good for the practical aspect of giving young people a break," psychologist Caroline Clauss-Ehlers, Ph.D., told Healthline in 2020, "but they also validate that the community and society are saying, 'We understand and we’re supporting you in this way.'”

Occupational therapist Shelli Dry concurs, telling Healthline that acceptance of mental health days can help eliminate the stigma that often comes with mental illness.

“For schools to recognize that sometimes it’s better to take a mental health day than push through when you cannot seem to cope, is a tremendous support for students to feel understood and accepted, and [this, in turn, encourages] students to understand and accept themselves more,” she said.

kids relaxing, mental health day, mental health, self care, relaxation, kids Kids relaxing.Image via Canva.

Sometimes we forget how hard it is being a kid. In some ways, I think it's way harder than being an adult. Considering the fact that 1 in 6 kids between the ages of six and 17 experience a mental health disorder each year, we need to acknowledge that a lot of kids have days where they're struggling. But even kids who don't deal with mental illness sometimes need a down day. Modern life is busy and complex, no matter our age. Managing it all daily—and then also handling whatever extra stuff life throws at us—is a lot.

Part of good parenting is teaching kids to persevere through challenges, but encouraging perseverance has to be balanced with insight and wisdom. Sometimes kids might cry wolf, but it's important for parents to understand that kids might be dealing with more than we know. Sometimes kids need to be encouraged to dig deep for resilience. Sometimes kids have already been resilient for a long time and need a little time and space to just be.

My dad knew me. He understood that I wasn't just being lazy or trying to get out of doing something hard. He trusted me to know what I needed, which in turn taught me to listen to my inner alarm and trust myself. As a result, I've spent my adult life with a good sense of when I need to push through and when I need to pause and reset—a gift I'm immensely grateful for.

All of that said, this advice does come with a caveat. As a parent of kids who are learning to manage anxiety, mental health days can be a mixed bag. There's a difference between taking a mental health day because you really need it—which happens—and taking a mental health day to avoid facing fears—which also happens. Avoidance feels good in the moment but fuels anxiety in the long run, so parents and kids have to be aware of how the idea can be misused and unintentionally make certain mental health issues worse.

mental health, discernment, parents, kids, self care, good parenting Dad walking child to school. Image via Canva.

The bottom line, however, is that kids need breaks sometimes. And when you allow them to take an occasional day here and there to breathe, to do some self-care, to reconnect with themselves and reset their mental and emotional barometer, you teach them that their well-being matters. You teach them that it's OK to acknowledge when they've hit a limit and pause to recoup their strength.

It's OK to turn the car around when you know you need to. That's a lesson we all need to learn, and one we need to support with work and school policies in addition to internalizing individually. We're making some good strides toward that goal, and the sooner we all get on the same page, the better everyone's well-being will be.

To learn more about how to help kids and teens with their mental health and self-care practices, The Kids Mental Health Foundation has tons of resources for parents, caregivers, teachers, coaches, and more.

This article originally appeared three years ago.

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Women's Health

New Yorker’s viral take on short nails sparks heated debate about embracing natural beauty

For Gen-Z, it’s so long, long nails.

Photo credit: Canva

An "unpopular" nail opinion is going viral.

Ashley Shim (@ashleyy.shim on TikTok and Instagram) never meant to go viral. But when she posted a video to TikTok about her “unpopular opinion” regarding nail length, the Internet paid attention. With over 2 million views and counting, Shim’s “short nail theory” is resonating with countless viewers around the world. More importantly, she’s created an essential space to discuss beauty standards, authenticity, the male gaze, and what we consider attractive.

The video opens with Shim walking down the streets of New York City. Her message is clear: women with short, natural nails exude the best type of confidence. “All the girls who wear their nails super short, you know they just don’t give a flying f*ck,” Shim proudly proclaims in her now-viral video. “You know they don’t care, they’re living their best life. She’s a baddie, and really freaking confident.”

@ashleyy.shim
theres nothing more lethal than this 💅

Short nails, big confidence

For Shim, this wasn’t just a callous or random observation. It came from the heart. “Growing up, I used to think having long acrylics was the beauty standard, like that’s what made someone look prettier or cooler. It felt like the ‘popular girl’ look,” she tells Upworthy. “But as I’ve gotten older and started leaning into real self-love and confidence, I realized my nail length has nothing to do with how beautiful or worthy I feel.”

Obviously, her video struck a chord with countless others who also feel tyrannized by the current beauty standards. Today, social media platforms are flooded with photos of long, intricately painted acrylic or gel nails that sport increasingly complex designs. Beauty website Byrdie predicted that in 2025, “nail art will be bigger and bolder” and recommended “asking your manicurist” to add charms, decals, or layered gel shapes to nail designs. Glamour writer Channing Smith reported feeling “nail envy” after eyeing Lizzo’s bright-pink, textured nail look and Megan Fox’s 5-inch-long holographic gel set on Instagram.

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But Shim urges us to think about what really makes us feel good. And does that include having your nails shellacked in chrome powder and weighed down by flash-cured 3D textures? “I’ve had phases where I just let my nails breathe—no polish, no salon visits, nothing. And now, when I do go, it’s just for a basic solid color, cut suuuper short,” she tells Upworthy. “I really just want people to feel good and confident, no matter what their nail length looks like. You don’t need to compare yourself to what you see online or in person—just do what feels like you.”

The hidden costs of beauty

Although these long, elaborate nails with pretty colors and iridescent shimmers are nice to look at, be warned: they come with a hefty price tag. Typically, a gel manicure (which uses a UV light to harden and cure polish, as opposed to air drying) can cost anywhere between $30 to $70, depending on the salon. Let’s do some quick math: given that these manicures only last a few weeks, and it’s standard practice to get your nails done twice a month, on average, nail maintenance comes out to a grand total of $70 a month. That’s at least $840 per year.

The cost increases significantly with textured and three-dimensional designs, a trend first popularized in South Korea and Japan.

3D nail design, acrylic nail set, nail art, nails, 3D Fake nails are fun but they'll cost you. Photo credit: Canva

Growing up, Shim saw her mom embrace natural nails, which led to her realization that nail length and self-worth aren’t really linked at all. “She rarely ever had her nails done—she was always cooking, cleaning, using her hands—and she never cared what anyone thought,” recounts Shim. “Watching her be so effortlessly herself made me question why I ever thought nails had anything to do with confidence or beauty in the first place.”

A movement that’s bigger than beauty

The response to Shim’s video was swift, with people rushing to the comment section to share their own experiences.

“Long fake nails are the patriarchy making sure you can't do anything efficiently,” one user declared. "It’s just one more thing we’re supposed to spend money on and upkeep to perfection for the male gaze. Hard pass for me," added another.

User @jellibee also endorsed Shim’s “short nail theory,” commenting, “I learned a long time ago that fussing over nails, hair, and makeup (and shoes and purses) was a waste of money and mental health. True power is ignoring all of it.”

However, not everyone is so keen on this idea. “It’s always the girls with short nails trying to justify and hype them; you don’t see girls with long nails comparing and judging,” wrote one user (to which Shim responded, “It was not my intention whatsoever” to pit women against each other). Another person echoed this sentiment, writing, “Yes, and I’ll add that if she wears her nails long… she’s living her best life, she doesn’t give af, she’s a baddie.”

@ashleyy.shim
Replying to @Niki Alexiou

But at the end of the day, Shim is just happy that her little slice of the Internet became a space for people to express their points of view. “[This video] really felt like this little community of people who were just waiting to uplift each other. I’m so grateful this video brought people together,” she says.

The bottom line

The most powerful takeaway from Shim’s viral moment? Authenticity. Beauty trends are just that: trends. Fleeting. Ephemeral. Gone tomorrow. So, what’s the use of chasing something that isn’t real? Whether you’re rocking nails so long you can’t ball your hands into a fist, or ones that are neatly trimmed, all that matters is that you feel at home in your own body.

self-love, beauty standards, beauty, nails, self confidende Beauty trends are gone tomorrow: try chasing something genuine. Giphy

As Shim reminds us, "The video wasn’t made to spark a debate or pit people against each other based on nail length. It was just me sharing something that feels really authentic to me… that’s it!”

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Wellness

Why people are turning to the old Scottish habit of 'hurkle-durkling' to finally get good rest

You might have already hurkle-durkled this week.

Image via Canva

Wondering where she got that rested glow? She hurkle-durkled.

"Hurkle-durkle" might be the silliest-sounding phrase ever, but it could be the missing step in your self-care routine. Hurkle-durkling simply means to linger in bed long past the time when you “should” already be up. It’s a Scottish term dating back to the 1800s, originally having more to do with sitting in a crouching position either for warmth or secrecy, but it eventually took on a more relaxed and positive connotation.

It’s a word that only the biggest etymology enthusiast would know had it not been plucked from obscurity thanks to TikTok. Now, it's gone viral. The hurkle-durkling trend seems to have started with actress Kira Kosarin when she shared it as her “word of the day.” “I do be hurkling," she joked, "and I do be durkling and once I’ve hurkled my last durkle in a given morning I will get up, but I’m a big fan of a hurkle-durkle."

@kirakosarin
hurkle-durkle, u deserve it <3

Kosarin’s clip prompted others to share videos of themselves enjoying a good hurkle-durkling, blissfully wrapped in their sheets, basking in the sunlight, leisurely reading, etc. One woman hailing from Scotland even joked, “[The Scottish] knew it was so critical to well-being they made a whole term about it. So, no, I’m not being lazy or wasting my life. I’m practicing an ancestral right of passage. I’m connecting with my culture and heritage.”

It sounds awesome, refreshing, and freeing...but at this point you might be thinking, Wait, isn’t this just bed-rotting?

Bed-rotting, another TikTok trend about lying in bed, and hurkle-durkling are similar, but have very different contexts. Bed-rotting has more to do with symptoms of burnout and fatigue, whereas hurkle-durkling is a bit more hygge, if you will. It’s seen as a pleasurable activity meant to promote rest for overall wellbeing. Plus, a hurkle-durkle has an end in sight, whereas bed-rotting can take up an entire weekend, or longer.

bed-rotting, hurkle-durkling, bed rot, hurkle durkle, rest, burn out Bed-rotting has a more negative connotation...Image via Canva

No matter how silly "hurkle-durkle" sounds, it could be seriously good for us. A 2017 study found that sleeping in, even a couple days a week, reduce the chances of a heart attack or stroke by 63%, especially for folks who get less than six hours of sleep through the rest of the week (so, everyone, basically). Not only that, but getting those few extra minutes of shut-eye from hitting the snooze can help increase alertness and boost our mood.

Really, as with any self care practice, balance is key. Experts warn against staying in bed as an everyday practice or to avoid responsibilities an uncomfortable feelings, especially as too much inactivity can worsen feelings of depression. In some cases, sleeping in can also be dangerous to your health because many people tend to sleep in or oversleep as a way to "catch up" on the sleep they may have missed throughout the week. Experts suggest adults get seven to nine hours of sleep per night. Failing to do so can accumulate over time and lead to sleep debt, which is hard to escape and can increase the risk of health issues like obesity, heart disease, and more. In short, sleeping in on weekends is okay when done mindfully and moderately; in this context, it can actually be the rejuvenation we long for and that too many of us don’t grant ourselves.

In fact, Kristin Wilson, a licensed professional counselor and chief experience officer, told Yahoo Life that perhaps so many people are leaning into silly, catchy terms like "hurkle-durkle" because they make rest and self-care—activities many Americans "are hesitant to celebrate and fully embrace”—more accessible. Popular accounts like The Nap Ministry Self Care is for Everyone on Instagram prove that social media can play a major role in making self-care accessible and acceptable, with each account sporting 553 thousand and one million followers respectively.

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"Sometimes our bodies just need a break, and we don’t want to feel guilty about taking time to rest," Wilson explained. "Giving this behavior a clever social media name can make it feel more socially acceptable and when it trends and becomes popular, it normalizes the need for relaxation within the community of followers."

So with that, show yourself some love with a little hurkle-durkle. It’s fun to say, and oh so important to do.

This article originally appeared last year.

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Health

Tom Cruise has advice for people with social anxiety, and it's actually pretty great

His words had a "profound impact" on a co-star's life.

en.m.wikipedia.org

Tom Cruise

Not only can Tom Cruise do his own stunts, he's a good therapist too. His Mission Impossible: Dead Reckoning Part One co-star, Haley Atwell, has revealed that she, like so many of us, struggles with social anxiety. On the Reign with Josh Smith podcast, she discusses how it often overwhelms her and makes her want to retreat.

Tom Cruise, mission impossible, stunt, stunt man, actor, film Tom Cruise Mi GIF by Mission: ImpossibleGiphy

But she was saved by incredibly insightful advice from Tom Cruise, which she imparts to the audience. After describing him as a positive "hair dryer" just blowing his positive energy around, Josh asks, "What's the best pep talk he's given you?" Haley answers, "Social anxiety tends to be something that people talk about a lot at the moment. It seems to be quite a buzzword of conversation."

They both agree that everyone has some version of anxiety, whether it's in a big group of people, a new work environment, or even just around a small group of friends. She confesses, "For me, I start to retreat into myself and overthink. 'Do I look weird? Do I seem awkward?' I'm not speaking, I'm just muffling my words or I need something to numb me from this.'"

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Luckily, Cruise has quite a simple way to combat these feelings. "The pep talk he gave me helps, which is that if you walk into a room and feel the anxieties coming, try doing the opposite. Try to look OUT and look around the room and go, 'Where is it? Where is the thing I have attached to my insecurity?'"

The idea is to pinpoint the place where her (or any of our) anxiety might be rooted. "Is it that person over there who reminds me of my high school bully? Is it that person over there who didn't give me a job once?" Once the source is recognized, if possible, Cruise suggests asking yourself, "Where does it live outside of me, and where do I feel like the source might be coming from?"

Haley emphasizes that examining her fear, which Cruise encourages, truly helps the anxiety subside. She continues, "If I look at it for long enough, the anxiety then can have a name. It can have a label and be contained, instead of free-floating, where I'm just in a total struggle internally with my own anxiety." Seeing through this prism, she shares, "If I’m scared of something, if I keep looking at it long enough, it tends to not be the monster under the bed anymore."

Actress, Hayley Atwell, social anxiety, mental health, acting File:Hayley Atwell.jpg - Wikimedia Commonscommons.wikimedia.org

Naming the emotion, whether it's jealousy, loneliness, etc., can help you outwardly address it so that it doesn't fester in your mind. She reiterates Cruise's words: "If you're scared of something, just keep looking at it. Try not to look away, and it will often give you information about how to overcome it."

Cruise's advice isn't all that different from many professional therapists. In the blog post, "How to overcome social anxiety: 8 tips and strategies" (clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA, for Calm.com,) ideas on how to overcome social anxiety are given and number one on the list could have been written by Cruise himself: "Identify your triggers," they write, explaining, "The first step to managing social anxiety is understanding what sparks it. Triggers can be unique to each person. Some might find large gatherings intimidating, while for others, it might be public speaking. To identify your triggers, keep a journal of your feelings and the situations that make you anxious. Recognizing these triggers is a crucial step in managing your reactions to them."

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

They also suggest, among other ideas, breathing techniques such as the 4-7-8 method: breathing in for 4 seconds, holding for 7, and breathing out for 8. They also advise "challenging negative thought patterns." They explain, "Practice challenging these thoughts. Ask yourself: 'Is this thought based on facts or feelings? What's the best thing that could happen?' Replacing negative thoughts with positive ones can help reduce feelings of anxiety."

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Popular

6 photos of the same girl show how selfies distort what we really look like

It's not you, really! It's that danged camera.

Evey Winters/Facebook, Vox/YouTube

What you look like in a selfie camera isn't really what you look like in real life.

We've all done it: You snap a selfie, look at it, say, "OMG is my nose swollen?" then try again from a different angle. "Wait, now my forehead looks weird. And what's up with my chin?" You keep trying various angles and distances, trying to get a picture that looks like how you remember yourself looking. Whether you finally land on one or not, you walk away from the experience wondering which photo actually looks like the "real" you.

I do this, even as a 40-something-year-old who is quite comfortable with the face I see in the mirror. So, it makes me cringe imagining a tween or teen, who likely take a lot more selfies than I do, questioning their facial features based on those snapshots. When I'm wondering why my facial features look weird in selfies it's because I know my face well enough to know that's not what it looks like.

However, when a young person whose face is changing rapidly sees their facial features distorted in a photo, they may come to all kinds of wrong conclusions about what they actually look like.

selfie, faces, photography, photos, self-image, self-confidence, body image Some people say holding the phone or camera farther away helpscanva photos

Not that it should matter, of course. But we're talking about people living in a society obsessed with personal appearance. It's going to matter to a lot of people, and if they get the wrong impression of their face, some people will go to all sorts of lengths to change it. That's why understanding a bit about how focal lengths on cameras can impact what we see in photographs is vital.

Writer Evey Winters shared some of that education in a post on Facebook. She writes about this topic through a trans and dysmorphia lens, but it applies to everyone.

Winters points out that if someone is thinking of doing surgery to change their bodies, they should seek sources outside of themselves and a cellphone camera.

"I have dysmorphia and recognize that in myself," she wrote, "but even if I didn’t, there’s not a selfie I’ve ever taken that would accurately help me make choices about my face. Mirrors are slightly better only for their minimal distortions."

"If you want the best chance at getting good feedback pre-op about what you might want to change," she added, "I’d recommend a skilled photographer take a series of photos of you at different focal lengths and even then none of these will be entirely accurate as none of these employ humans binocular vision and filtering."

Winters shared a collage of photos of the same girl's face at different focal lengths to show the significant difference it makes.

"Notice how in different photos this child’s eyes may appear to be slightly hooded," she wrote. "The nose appears enlarged disproportionately. Hairline seems to shift with every snap. So does jaw shape, face shape, and even the width and size of the ears."

The difference between each of these photos is significant, but the difference between the first and the last is stunning.

Cellphone selfie cameras usually have an even smaller focal length than the 40 mm shown here (Winters points out that the iPhone 13 Pro Max selfie camera has the equivalent of a 23 mm focal length), so they distort facial features even more. It also depends on how far away from the camera you are—the closer you are, the more distortion you'll see. Lighting matters, too, but even the best lighting can't cancel out what the focal length is doing.

It's also worth mentioning that cell phone cameras, —regardless of distance, focal length, and lighting — will usually look way different than the you you see in the mirror. Most of us look in the mirror many times in a given day and are extremely used to what we see there. We sometimes forget that the image reflected back at us is actually flipped or reversed! So when we see ourselves on camera, with all our right side features on the left and vice versa, our asymmetries stand out to us like a sore thumb.

But back to focal length again, Vox shared a video specifically about the "big nose" phenomenon with selfies, showing how drastic the distortion can be.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Commenters on Winter's viral post as well as the Vox video were absolutely stunned to learn the truth:

"Here I've been thinking that the pictures I'm less fond of are the truer representation!"

"This was reassuring, I always think I look better from a distance in photos, now I know why!"

"This made me feel beautiful again"

"This explains why in the mirror I look good but selfies are iffy"

Many people were reassured and found that the knowledge boosted their self-confidence! It's hard to overstate how looking at photos that make us look "bad" every day can really damage our self-esteem over time. It's so important for people to understand this vital photography lesson and stop beating themselves up for not liking what they see in selfies.

david rose, schitts creek, selfies, photography, body image, body positivity David Rose totally gets it now.Giphy

As a parent of two teens and a young adult, I find these photos to be fantastic tools for teaching my kids not to put too much stock in what they see in a selfie. Far too many people are increasingly seeking out plastic surgery to change a nose or a forehead or a jawline that doesn't even really exist. Imagine looking in a funhouse mirror and thinking you need to do something to change how you look. Selfie cameras are basically mini funhouse mirrors. Smartphones and apps are getting better at making filters that adjust for those distortions, but none of us should be relying on selfies of any kind to see what we really look like, much less taking major measures to alter our appearance based on what we see in them.

Even if you have some physical feature you simply can't accept and want to change, make sure you get a skilled photographer to give you the most accurate picture of what it actually looks like. As Winters concluded at the end of her post: "Make sure you’re not reshaping your body for a you that only exists in selfie cams."

Thank you for the reminder, Ms. Winters.

This article originally appeared three years ago.

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Family

Women rally behind a mom who's tired of being judged for having a full face of makeup

“Why are we judging moms on their parenting because of how they look?"

@emloublogger/TikTok

Self care doesn't make you "one of THOSE moms."

Virtually no one is here to argue that mom shaming isn’t a very real thing that every woman with kids must endure on some level during parenthood—be it for whether or not the breastfeed, whether they enroll their kids in this school or that school, or in this case, whether or not they choose to wear makeup.

Yep, you read that right. Recently, a mom named Emma Hutton, who happens to work in the beauty industry as a nail tech, shared via TikTok how she experiences judgement for always being seen with her makeup and hair completely done. In fact, she had been dubbed "one of them type of moms” for it, as though that could possibly indicate what type of mom she was.

In reality, Hutton explains, wearing makeup has absolutely nothing to do with being a mom. She wakes up extra early to put on a full face because “it makes me feel my best.” And when she feels her best, “the day goes better." That’s it, no deeper hidden meaning. But somehow some folks have taken it to be some sort of signal about how inattentive or superficial of a parent she must be, which Hutton seems to find ridiculous.

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“Why are we judging moms on their parenting because of how they look? You don’t see me judging moms that are in the school playground in pajamas because they literally run out of the house to get their kids to school on time,” she says in her clip.

Clearly, Hutton wasn’t the only one who was irked by this double standard, judging from the support she got in comments. One person even surmised that some jealousy was at play, writing “how you look triggers insecure people that don’t make enough time for themselves. Only miserable people look at what others are doing.”

Others simply commiserated on the fact that, no matter what, the mom shaming would commence. As one person shared, “I go days looking done up and then days looking like Adam Sandler, either way I'm judged. Can’t win.”

We’re all pretty aware that maintaining our appearance can do wonders for our mental health, and makeup can play a huge role in releasing those mood-boosting endorphins. For example, a study published in the journal Cosmetics in 2018 found that when women applied makeup, they reported significant decreases in feelings of sadness, tiredness, and anger.

Even the ritual of putting on makeup, which Hutton told Newsweek was her “me time,” can be a sort of mediation, helping folks tune into the present moment and lower stress. Plus, there can be something very empowering in mastering which colors and techniques bring out your best features. Yes, we live in a world where the beauty industry tries to capitalize on needing to “fix” flaws, but for far longer, makeup has been a magical form of self expression and self care.

And more to the point, why are we chastising moms for trying to maintain this aspect of their identity? As Hutton told Newsweek, "I have always worn makeup and cared about my appearance, so I don't think that should change just because I'm now a mom." And that’s really the message to drive home here. Motherhood is a major component of womanhood, but it isn’t the only component. Women are allowed to nurture the part of themselves that isn’t solely focused on raising a child, and in fact need to in order to stay sane—whether that be through throwing on some lipstick, going to a workout class, having coffee with a friend, or carving out some other variation of “me time.” Kudos to the moms who prioritize self care in whatever way they see fit, regardless of the looks they get. You really are paving the way for more empowerment.

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“Why are we judging moms on their parenting because of how they look?"