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To the men I love, about men who scare me.

I went to get a drink by myself, and I have a message for men everywhere.

Photo by Kyle Broad on Unsplash

For the well-intentioned men in my life.


I got a promotion a few days ago, so I decided to stop for a drink on my way home—just me and my sense of accomplishment.

I ended up alone in the bar, running defense against a bouncer who held my ID hostage while he commented on my ass (among other things) and asked me vaguely threatening questions about my sex life.

This is not a Yelp review. It's not an angry rant, and it's definitely not something women need to be reminded of.

As far as I can tell, there is only one good lesson to pull out of this otherwise shitty and all-too-familiar interaction: In my experience, a lot of thoroughly decent men are still having trouble understanding this.

I have a friend who once joked that it was all right for him to catcall women because he's good-looking. I had another ask me in faux outrage why it was OK for me to describe a cupcake (as in an actual chocolate baked good) as a “seven," but not OK for him to rank women the same way. I was recently at a house party where a group of guys referred to a soundproofed recording studio in the basement as the “rape room" 45 times.

Some of these jokes were a little funny. Some of them really weren't. But they were all endemic of something more sinister, and I honestly don't think the men in question even realize it.

So to the generally well-intentioned men in my life, please consider this:

This has made me defensive. It has put me more on my guard than I would like to be.

woman sitting in a crowded bar

Navigating the bar scene.

Photo by Alex Voulgaris on Unsplash

Decent male humans, this is not your fault, but it also does not have nothing to do with you.

If a woman is frosty or standoffish or doesn't laugh at your joke, consider the notion that maybe she is not an uptight, humorless bitch, but rather has had experiences outside your realm of understanding that have adversely colored her perception of the world.

Consider that while you're just joking around, a woman might actually be doing some quick mental math to see if she's going to have to hide in a bathroom stall and call someone to come help her, like I did three days ago.

Please adjust your mindset and your words accordingly.


This article was written by Laura Munoz and originally appeared nine years ago.

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Heroes

Pizza guy whose quick thinking saved a woman's life gets the reward of a lifetime

He saw her trapped in her own home, begging for help.

via WITI Milwaukee

Joey Grundl, Milwaukee pizza guy.

Joey Grundl, who was working as a pizza delivery driver for a Domino's Pizza in Waldo, Wisconsin, was hailed as a hero for noticing a kidnapped woman's subtle cry for help. It's a timeless story that continues to resonate with people today.

Back in 2018, the delivery man was sent to a woman's house to deliver a pie when her ex-boyfriend, Dean Hoffman, opened the door. Grundl looked over his shoulder and saw a middle-aged woman with a black eye standing behind Hoffman. She appeared to be mouthing the words: "Call the police."

"I gave him his pizza and then I noticed behind him was his girlfriend," Grundl told WITI Milwaukee. "She pointed to a black eye that was quite visible. She mouthed the words, 'Call the police.'"

domestic abuse, celebrity, community, kidnapped

The Dean Hoffmann mugshot.

via WITI Milwaukee

When Grundl got back to his delivery car, he called the police. When the police arrived at the home, Hoffmann tried to block the door, but eventually let the police into the woman's home.

After seeing the battered woman, Hoffmann was arrested and she was taken to the hospital for her wounds.

Earlier in the day, Hoffman arrived at the house without her permission and tried to convince her to get back into a relationship with him. He then punched her in the face and hog tied her with a vacuum power cord.

"If you love me, you will let me go," she pleaded, but he reportedly replied, "You know I can't do that." He also threatened to shoot both of them with a .22 caliber firearm he kept in his car. The woman later told authorities that she feared for her life.

An alert pizza delivery driver helped save a woman from her abusive ex-boyfriend, police say. A 55-year-old Grafton man now faces several counts of domestic ...

A day later, Grundl was seen on TV wearing a hoodie from Taylor Swift's "Reputation Tour" and her fans quickly jumped into action, tagging Swift in photos of the hero. Grundl already had tickets to go to an upcoming Swift concert in Arlington, Wisconsin, but when Swift learned of the story, she arranged to meet Grundl backstage.

"She … she knew who I was," Grundl jokingly tweeted after the concert. "I'm thoroughly convinced Taylor gave me a cold."

"This has been one of the most exciting weeks of my life," Grundl said. "I'm legitimately getting emotional and I almost never get like this. But as the likely most memorable week of my entire life comes to an end … I guess I can really say … I'm doing better than I ever was."


This story originally appeared four years ago.

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Health

4 specific strategies stalkers use—and steps you should take if someone is stalking you

Stalking is its own unique crime, but people may not be aware of everything it can entail.

Photo credit: Canva

Stalking is a serious crime.

If you've ever been the victim of a stalker, you know how scary it can feel. The constant fear and uneasiness. The persistent feeling of your privacy and security being violated. The never knowing what the person might do next and feeling like your safety is in danger.

What people need to know is that stalking itself is a crime all on its own. It doesn't have to escalate to violence or involve other criminal activity in order to be documented, reported, and prosecuted. That's why it's important to know the signs of stalking, the strategies stalkers use to victimize, and the steps you should take if someone is stalking you—preferably before it ever happens.

What is stalking? Is it an actual crime?

First, let's define stalking. On the one hand, it's slightly complicated, since different jurisdictions have different legal definitions. However, according to the U.S. Department of Justice, "stalking is generally defined as a pattern of behavior directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to feel fear." It is officially a crime in all 50 states, and at the federal level, stalking is considered "dangerous and potentially lethal."

More specifically, a stalking "pattern of behavior" may include "following a person; driving by a victim’s place of employment or school; sending unwanted gifts, cards, or e-mails; persistently calling or text messaging; tracking a victim’s whereabouts using technology such as cameras or global positioning systems (GPSs); vandalizing property; and threatening to hurt the victim, his or her family, another person, or pets."

woman holding her hand over her mouth while holding a cell phoneStalking makes victims feel afraid with a pattern of behavior.Photo credit: Canva

The 4 specific strategies stalkers use

According to the Stalking Prevention, Awareness, & Resource Center (SPARC), stalker strategies fall under four main categories—Surveillance, Life Invasion, Intimidation, and Interference. The SPARC website offers these specific questions under each category to determine if someone is stalking you:

1) Surveillance = watching and gathering information

Has the offender…

• followed you?

• watched you?

• shown up unexpectedly?

• gone through your mail or trash?

• sought information about you from friends, family, or other acquaintances?

• communicated with you in ways that seemed obsessive or made you concerned for your safety?

• accessed your accounts (for example, social media, online finances)?

• planted a camera, GPS tracker, or other device on your vehicle or in your home?

• used tracking software on your phone, tablet, or computer to track you?

• monitored your activity online?

2) Life Invasion = showing up in your life without the your consent

Has the offender…

• repeatedly initiated unwanted contact with you (for example, repeated phone calls, texts, messages, emails?)

• sent gifts to you or left objects/items for you to find?

• tried to initiate contact with you through third parties?

• spread rumors about you? • humiliated, or tried to humiliate, you in public?

• impersonated you online? • hacked into your accounts?

• harassed friends, family members, or other third parties?

• sent photos of themselves or of you in locations that you frequent?

• invaded your property (like letting themselves into your home or vehicle)?

• shown up at places you frequent (for example, your gym, child’s daycare, grocery store)?

woman peering at a couple from behind a pillarPeople of all genders can be stalkers or victims of stalking.Photo credit: Canva


3) Intimidation = threatening behavior

Has the offender…

• threatened you explicitly or implicitly, in-person or online?

• threatened family, friends, pets, or others that you care about?

• threatened to destroy property, harm pets, or to sabotage you in other ways?

• blackmailed you? • threatened to share/post private information about you unless you perform sexual acts?

• engaged in symbolic violence (like a crushed soda can or burnt doll) that you perceived as a threat?

• threatened to or actually harmed themselves?

• done anything that has intimated, frightened, or alarmed you?

4) Interference = sabotaging or attacking your reputation, employment, physical safety, etc.

Has the offender…

• significantly and directly interfered with your life?

• damaged your property or stolen from you?

• disrupted your professional and/or social life?

• caused you to have a serious accident?

• meddled in online accounts (social media, finances, etc.)?

• posed as you and created harm?

• forcibly kept you from leaving or held you against your will?

• assaulted you while stalking, harassing, or threatening you?

• assaulted your friends, family, or pets, or seriously attacked you in other ways?

• shared with others and/or posted online private photos of you and/or information about you?

You don't have to answer yes to every question in order to confirm you are being stalked—again, you're looking for a pattern of behavior. These strategies overlap, and stalkers will often change their tactics over time. It's easy to think, "Well, they're not doing that," but if there are multiple yeses under multiple categories, it may worth taking a more comprehensive assessment here.

person on cell phoneCall the police if you feel you are in imminent danger.Photo credit: Canva

What steps should you take if you're being stalked (or suspect you are)?

Let's say you are pretty sure someone is stalking you. What do you do about it?

First of all, if you feel like you are in imminent danger or harm, call 911 immediately. You can also try one of the following advocacy groups who can help you with the resources you need:

Victim Connect (anonymous crime hotline) 1-800-4-VICTIM

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233

National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN) 1-800-656-HOPE

But other more general tips for navigating a stalker situation include:

- Trust your instincts. Stalking can be disorienting and other people may or may not be supportive of your concerns. Your safety is more important than other people's perceptions of what's happening.

- Call the police if you feel you are in danger. Tell them about the stalker's actions and behavior and how they are causing you fear.

- Document everything. Keep a record or log of every contact you have with the stalker as well as any police reports you make. SPARC offers a sample log you can use. Keep it in a safe and private place.

- Save evidence as much as you can. Evidence might include emails, texts, photos, social media posts, or physical notes.

- Use tech wisely. Cyberstalking is a crime as well. Do not respond to stalkers online and block them on your phone and social media if possible. Screenshot and save anything they send. If they send threats of violence, sexually explicit message or images or photos/videos taken of you in private places, report them to law enforcement immediately.

Stalking can be a difficult crime for victims to know how to handle, and it's not always easy to get people to believe you when it's happening. But knowing what it is, what it can look like, and what to do if someone stalks you are important so you can start off prepared if it happens.

For more information, see the SPARC Stalking Victim Handbook here and check out stalkingawareness.org.

safety
Family

Dad follows his daughter during her 5 A.M. jog for the sweetest reasons

“I have whatever the opposite of daddy issues are.”

Photo credit: Canva

Running in the dark raises safety concerns.

A woman going out on an early morning run is showing everyone what being a good father looks like. Social media fitness influencer Orey shared a TikTok praising her father’s protection and motivation to achieve her goals.

“I have whatever the opposite of daddy issues are because my dad drives behind me during my 5 A.M. runs to make sure that I’m safe,” said Orey in the video’s caption. In the video, Orey gives her dad a fist bump through the open driver’s seat window before running off into the dark streets as her dad monitors her from his car.

@oreyfit

he’s a GOOD man savannah !!!! #run #runningmotivation #running #fyp #runningcommunity #runninginspiration #runhappy #runnergirl

Most outdoor joggers prefer to get their run in early in the morning to avoid traffic and pedestrians that would clog up city streets. It’s also a more comfortable time to run for people who live in warmer climates that get significantly hotter during the day, such as in Los Angeles where Orey resides. Unfortunately, though, such runs aren’t always safe.

Running outdoors when it’s dark can be risky, especially for women. There have been several news stories over the years about how runners being harassed or assaulted while running alone on the streets or in a park. While there should be a conversation on how to permanently ensure the safety of the public while they exercise, it’s currently necessary to actively find ways to protect yourself. Or, in Orey’s case, reflect upon how special it is that someone steps up for you.

The commenters on Orey’s TikTok shared similar stories from their parents:

“My dad finds parking in the Bronx for me and moves his car when I come home. 🥺”

“I didn't have my dad, but my mom would follow me to work when I would have to be there at 5 A.M. to open and stay until another employee showed up.”

“My dad would walk to the beach a block from our house at 2 A.M. after his night shift to check on me on my night 'walk' and walk me home…I was in my 30s. 🥰🥰🥰🥰”

Parents often protect their children through limitations, even when they’re grown. “Don’t do that at night.” “That’s too dangerous of a commute.” “You could get hurt, best to forget about it.” While well-intentioned, that approach can create a boundary in the relationship and a lack of trust in an offspring’s ability to be independent. If Orey’s dad had that mentality, it could create resentment from Orey and he would still be worried for her if she decided to run before dawn.

Instead, Orey’s dad did something great parents do—he participated. It’s special when anyone inconveniences themselves to support their loved one’s goals. If he was going to feel restless knowing that his daughter was going to run at 5 A.M., might as well go along with her, right?

“Let me drive you there and back.” “Let’s make a plan together in case the worst happens.” “Can I do it with you?” This approach not only creates peace of mind for the parent but also strengthens the bond with the child as a wonderful side benefit. And it isn’t just applicable for parents and their kids, but also between spouses, partners, and friends, too. You not only help keep them safe as they pursue their goals but are actively there when they achieve them.

It’s an unfortunate reality that safety is never 100% guaranteed, but providing protection in tandem with support creates something special between those that love one another. That alone is worth an early alarm each morning.

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