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Researchers have been secretly studying who gets "the ick" and what it might say about you

"The ick" has been around for ages but never measured and analyzed. Until now.

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The ick: A sudden revulsion to a romantic partner over trivial behavior.

The first time I heard of "the ick" came from watching the hit Netflix show Nobody Wants This. In the show, Kristen Bell's character suddenly develops the ick for Adam Brody's character (whom she's dating) after a series of relatively minor faux pas as he's trying to impress her parents. He wears a cheesy sports coat and makes one-too-many corny jokes, to be precise. She suddenly finds herself repulsed by him, and insists that no one has "ever come back from the ick."

Adam Brody's character eventually wins her back over with an impressive display of emotional maturity, but it was a fascinating sequence nonetheless. It brought the term to the attention of a lot of viewers and catapulted it even higher into the zeitgeist.

A new study in the journal Personality and Individual Differences aims to shed light on this phenomenon, and the people who experience it.


dating, relationships, break ups, divorce, the ick, dating studyThe Ick even made it to JeopardyGiphy

For starters, let's define "the ick," or rather, let the authors of the study do it:

"The 'ick' 'is a sudden and visceral aversion to a romantic partner, often triggered by behaviors or characteristics that superficially signal incompatibility or low mate quality."

In other words, it's when a person says or does something that really skeeves you out or turns you off. It sounds a little silly, but the ick can be extremely powerful and tough for people to shake. That's because, as the authors note, whatever the behavior is that icked you out might signal that you're not a good match for this person, or that they're just a low quality partner in general. So in a sense, it's an evolutionary protection mechanism.

It seems extremely harsh that our bodies would be trained to reject partners at the slightest misstep, but in evolutionary terms, it makes a lot of sense:

"A false-positive error—accepting an incompatible partner—can drain resources, reduce reproductive success, and carry long-term relational consequences, whereas a false-negative error—rejecting a compatible partner—results in a missed opportunity but poses fewer immediate risks," the study says.

So if the guy you were into shows up in a fedora one day, it's probably best to show him the door posthaste. Better safe than sorry.

What causes the ick?


- YouTubewww.youtube.com

It's usually brought on by things that, on the surface, seem pretty unimportant. We're not talking about cheating, emotional abuse, or being a bad person. It's much subtler than that. The researchers use lots of examples from TV to make their point:

"In Seinfeld ... Jerry is disgusted by his date's 'manly' hands; and in Sex and the City ... Carrie is revolted by a lover after learning he wrote her a love song."

But where the actual studying part of the study comes in is that the authors began inhaling TikTok videos where users discussed their experiences getting the ick, and they began rigorously categorizing the responses.

The real-life examples are even more nit-picky, like someone who licks their fingers before turning a page. Girls "tripping in public." A guy wearing jorts, or bending over too far and accidentally showing his butt crack. Or, in Adam Brody's case, wearing a sports coat. In many cases these simple (and hilarious!) things are death knells for a relationship once the ick sets in.

The researchers broke ick-inducing behaviors down into a few buckets: Gender incongruence, public embarrassment, or physical appearance. Believe it or not, physical appearance was not the most common! Gender incongruence — guys doing girly things, girls doing manly things — was the biggest category of ick-driving behavior. One girl said the guy she was dating gave her "the ick" when he laid his head on her shoulder affectionately.

Wow...

What getting "the ick" might say about you

disgust, inside out, the ick, dating, relationships, break ups, studies, scientific researchPrime candidate for The IckGiphy

The next part of the study involved recruiting participants who were willing to answer questions about their own experiences with this phenomenon. After thorough interviews, researchers narrowed down three traits that seem to indicate people are more likely to get "the ick,":

Narcissism. People who like to be the center of attention or otherwise display narcissistic tendencies were highly correlated in this study.

Perfectionism. Not perfectionism of the self, mind you! But people who scored highly on questions related to holding the people around them to exceptionally high standards were more prone to "the ick."

Disgust sensitivity. People were more likely to have experienced "the ick" if they answered strongly on questions relating to feeling disgust even outside of a dating or interpersonal sense. People who get exceptionally grossed out by disgusting things are more likely to experience revulsion at minor behaviors in a romantic partner.

Any of those things sound like you? If you're feeling judged, don't. Remember, getting icked-out by a partner isn't necessarily a bad thing. It could be an evolutionary response trying to protect you from making a bad choice (like having a baby with a weirdo). Though it's also important to remember this biological strategy also discards a lot of potentially great partners, so listen to your ick wisely — you might just want to give fedora guy another chance, after all.

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This is an adorable problem to have.

When we get married, we understand that we're signing up for a lifelong commitment. We understand that the love we have for our partner will change and grow and evolve over time. The frantic, can't-keep-our-hands-off-each-other passion we feel in the beginning is bound to fade into something more closely resembling compassionate love, which is a love of devotion and care and kindness. That's why we ideally choose someone we can see ourselves growing old with, someone we genuinely like, a best friend.

Except, it turns out, that isn't always the case! Not if you take some people's word for it, anyway. And when you're expecting a "cozy but bland" marriage and suddenly find yourself in the opposite, well, it can be alarming.

An unnamed social media user recently posted a frantic message asking for help: "Why am I too attracted to my wife?"

gif of a man counting on his fingers surrounded by floating calculationsIt it sounds weird, it is kinda weird. Giphy

"I know this sounds weird," the poster wrote. "But I have been with my wife for about 10 years, 8 years dating and almost 2 married. I have always found her beautiful and super hot, but lately these last few months I’m obsessing over her. I feel like she’s way too hot, I can’t stop staring at her when we’re in the same room.

"Is this normal? Do I need to do something? I tried looking online for help, but there isn’t anything out there. I have no friends or family to ask about this."

Poor guy probably thought he was going through a hormone imbalance or some kind of mental break, when the truth is much more wholesome: Dude is just really in love with his wife.

Comments poured in. Apparently, OP isn't the only one with this 'problem'

Users on r/mademesmile had a lot to say about the man's adorable obliviousness:

gif of woman saying, 'Who woulda thought?"The weird truth is also pretty wholesome.Giphy

"No need to worry. I’ve done the same thing over my 26 year marriage. Some years it’s there. Some years it’s normal attraction."

"You do need to do something. Count your blessings."

"You can't be TOO attracted to your wife. ... I've been married to mine for 21 years, and I still look at her in the way you have just described"

"I definitely haven't been with my wife as long, but I still do this. She is a goddess to me. I would die for her. I would kill for her. Either way, what bliss."

"I hope my partner looks at me the same way you look at your wife after 10 years. It's a big fear for a lot of young women my age, getting older and having age show. Give her a big ol' smooch and make it known you see her this way if you haven't already."

"My husband and I have been together 16 1/2 years. I still get butterflies in my stomach when he kisses me. Sometimes I catch him watching me with, what I call, 'googley eyes'"

"I feel the same way! We’re 18 years married, 20 years together. Sometimes I catch him looking a certain way, or in a certain light, and I’m like DAMN you SO FINE."

"You're just really in love with your wife and it's wholesome AF"

So, are all these couples just embellishing to make their relationships look good? Or can you really still get the 'butterflies' after decades together?

Studies show that it is possible, and even common, for married couples to be "madly in love" after decades of marriage. That should give us all hope.

A 2011 study out of Stony Brook University found that dopamine activity levels in the brains of newly-in-love couples were similar to couples who had been together for an average of 21 years. Dopamine, as a reminder, is the excitement neurotransmitter that signals reward and pleasure to your brain.

“A state-of-the-art investigation of love has confirmed for the very first time that people are not lying when they say that after 10 to 30 years of marriage they are still madly in love with their partners,” an expert told Harvard Medical School.

gif of Bug Bunny with heart eyesAh, love. Giphy

How does that work when the 'newness' and initial uncertainty has worn off? Fascinatingly, the things we learn and discover about our partners, even many years down the line, can influence our physical attraction to them. Leila Levison, a couples counselor, writes: "Discovering that someone is arrogant or intractable or selfish might greatly lessen our initial impression of their being handsome or beautiful. Conversely, as we come to know someone’s humility or quiet brilliance, what had seemed to be ordinary features become beautiful."

So, a sudden rush of love and physical attraction to your partner could mean many things, one of them being that you've reached new heights of connection and intimacy. It could mean that you're appreciating them as a human being more than ever. These feelings can be cyclical, coming in waves, ebbing and flowing in different years. That's all totally normal.

If you're not feeling those same sparks in your own relationship, experts recommend starting with more physical touch. Doubling the amount of time you spend kissing, hugging, or holding hands can encourage your body to release oxytocin, one of the main hormones that floods your brain when you're falling in love. In way, you can almost trick the sparks to come back.

Hey, all is fair in love and war!

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They crashed into love, you could say.

If you think it's hard meeting people these days, maybe you're just not thinking outside of the box. Dating apps, speed dating, and blind set ups by friends are old news. If you want to make a stronger connection, maybe it's time you looked in some more unexpected places. Do you have a hot dentist? Fight through the numbness in your tongue and tell them how you feel. Ever swapped numbers with a political canvasser that came knocking on your door? At least you already know whether you agree on politics.

All kidding aside, it is tough to find love in 2025. But, as cliche as it sounds, you really do sometimes find it in the last place you'd ever expect.

A wild story out of China is proving that love can be found in the strangest of places.

A 36-year-old man named Li was in a hurry one day in late 2023. Reports say he was dealing with an emergency, which may have distracted him while driving. And then the worst happened. He struck a woman who was riding an electric bicycle, sending her hurtling to the ground injured. Li scrambled out of his car to check on the woman and apologize. Now he had two emergencies to deal with.

Her response, as she lay there in agony with what would later be determined to be a broken collar bone: "No worries."

gif of someone in a hospital bed saying "no worries"No worries!Giphy

Her kindness and forgiveness (and maybe a little bit of millennial people-pleasing) opened the door for the two to stay in touch after the accident. Li visited the woman in the hospital every day as she recovered, where they struck up a friendship. That friendship quickly turned into more. After just a few weeks, it was actually the woman—broken collarbone and all—who confessed her feelings to Li first. They had really hit it off during those visits. Li was hesitant due to their age gap and, well, the extreme weirdness of how they met, but eventually he gave it a chance, realizing it was kind of rude to turn her down for a date after hitting her with his car and putting her in the hospital.

Less than a year later, she was pregnant, and the couple just tied the knot in February of 2025, bringing their unbelievable love story full circle.

If it sounds like the plot of a movie, it kind of is. A similar premise is at the heart of the 2024 film We Live In Time with Andrew Garfield and Florence Pugh. Who says you can't find a Hollywood ending in real life?


The story was shared far and wide on social media where it raised a few eyebrows, and inspired more than a few jokes.

Clever Reddit users were quick to point out that Li may have taken the idea of "hitting on someone" a little too literally.

One user shared that Li's story was similar to one of her own: "This is similar to how my grandparents met. My grandfather was just in the US on vacation. on his way to go back to his country he got into a car accident. He stayed to make sure the woman in the other car was ok. The rest is history."

I think it gives people hope to hear these bizarre and unexpected love stories. The world has been different since COVID. In person connections with other people are more rare. And people are burnt out on dating apps, with usage dipping drastically over the last year or two. I can imagine it feels impossible to find someone if you've tried all the usual avenues and come up empty. So maybe you don't want to go out intentionally running over attractive pedestrians, but if we can take anything away from Li's story, it's that staying open-minded and optimistic can actually pay off sometimes when it comes to love. Congrats to the happy couple! Though, for safety reasons, it's probably best if Li lets his wife drive from now on.

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TikTok loves to celebrate relationships that fit our culturally accepted norms. 'Big manly guy plus dainty girl' equals algorithm gold! Every week there's a new challenge spawning hundreds of videos: Can you lift your girlfriend with one arm? Can you pick her up and sit her on your shoulder? Can you throw her over your shoulder like a military soldier?

Refreshingly, one couple is breaking the mold. Meet Ellie and Lucas. Lucas Byrd is currently the number one ranked collegiate wrestler in his weight class — not too shabby. Ellie Holzman is a former D-1 volleyball and softball player. But they're social media-famous as a couple for reasons that have nothing to do with their athletic accomplishments.

Yes, this TikTok couple is best known for their 6-inch height difference. Lucas stands at a modest 5' 6" (ideal leverage for a wrestler) while Ellie towers over him at 6' 2" (perfect for volleyball spikes).

The two share an account (@ellie_and_lucas) and document their relationship there with the cutest videos you've ever seen.

In one video, he playfully picks her up and promptly topples over in the process — 'lift your girlfriend' challenges be damned. In another, she dons high heels and he has to reach on his very tippy-toes to kiss her. In another clip, they run a photo of themselves through a cartoon filter — which bafflingly switches their heights and makes Lucas taller!

Through it all, one thing is clear: The striking height difference doesn't bother them one bit. In fact, they seem to have a lot of fun poking fun at it and playing with people's expectations in some of their 'skits'. Their non-chalance may not have always been the case, however.


@ellie_and_lucas

Just a boy (and girl) ✨in love✨

In an interview with Big Ten Network, Holzman said that she and Byrd started off as great friends. He had feelings for her but initially she had trouble seeing past the height difference. And it's true — there is a lot of pressure, judgment, and cultural taboo attached to height in relationships. A large majority of women prefer a male partner to be taller than them — and on the other hand, most men prefer to be the taller one in relationships. So falling into a situation that doesn't fit that mold can be uncomfortable at first, and it can take some mental reprogramming to get used to it.

"But then once I got over it, it flourished into this kind of beautiful thing," Holzman said.

People can't get enough of Lucas and Ellie's viral love story.

Not only are they a charming and fun-loving couple that's easy to root for (hence their top video having over 1.5 million views), Holzman and Byrd are offering amazing representation for the 'short king/tall queen' couples out there who don't have nearly enough visibility.

"I love the height difference representation my husband is 4 inches shorter than me," one commenter wrote under a video.

"the height rep 😭❤️ I’m 5’10 and my bf is 5’5- wishing you two nothing but the best," said another.

The short guys, out there, in particular are loving this story. They've been told their whole lives that dating a taller girl is off limits — quite literally, out of reach! — and are stunned to see that that's simply not true. Comments pour in every day from people saying that Lucas "won life."

@ellie_and_lucas

Still get giddy for date nights 😊😊

"Short kings, we need to study this man and his confidence. It’s possible," one joked.

"Dude is living the dream," wrote another.

Ellie, too, deserves plenty of props for looking past cultural taboos to find real love. While short guys who 'land' taller girlfriends get applauded for somehow pulling off the impossible, women risk being judged, mocked, and looked down upon if their partner doesn't fit certain gendered norms. It's yet another unfair double-standard standing in the way of couples just looking for a real connection.

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Height disparity in relationships is getting more visibility these days, which is slowly helping to normalize it.

The best and brightest example has to be Zendaya, who is about 2-3 inches taller than her fiance, Tom Holland — even taller in heels on the red carpet! There's also Tina Fey and her composer husband Jeff Richmond who have a height difference of about 3 inches. And there's Daniel Radcliffe (5' 5") and his girlfriend Erin Darke (5' 7").

But nobody has Ellie Holzman and Lucas Byrd beat. The confidence and love radiating in their videos — however silly they may be — really is making a difference out there by helping to give other short guys and tall the girls the courage to go for it.