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Researchers have been secretly studying who gets "the ick" and what it might say about you

"The ick" has been around for ages but never measured and analyzed. Until now.

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The ick: A sudden revulsion to a romantic partner over trivial behavior.

The first time I heard of "the ick" came from watching the hit Netflix show Nobody Wants This. In the show, Kristen Bell's character suddenly develops the ick for Adam Brody's character (whom she's dating) after a series of relatively minor faux pas as he's trying to impress her parents. He wears a cheesy sports coat and makes one-too-many corny jokes, to be precise. She suddenly finds herself repulsed by him, and insists that no one has "ever come back from the ick."

Adam Brody's character eventually wins her back over with an impressive display of emotional maturity, but it was a fascinating sequence nonetheless. It brought the term to the attention of a lot of viewers and catapulted it even higher into the zeitgeist.

A new study in the journal Personality and Individual Differences aims to shed light on this phenomenon, and the people who experience it.


dating, relationships, break ups, divorce, the ick, dating studyThe Ick even made it to JeopardyGiphy

For starters, let's define "the ick," or rather, let the authors of the study do it:

"The 'ick' 'is a sudden and visceral aversion to a romantic partner, often triggered by behaviors or characteristics that superficially signal incompatibility or low mate quality."

In other words, it's when a person says or does something that really skeeves you out or turns you off. It sounds a little silly, but the ick can be extremely powerful and tough for people to shake. That's because, as the authors note, whatever the behavior is that icked you out might signal that you're not a good match for this person, or that they're just a low quality partner in general. So in a sense, it's an evolutionary protection mechanism.

It seems extremely harsh that our bodies would be trained to reject partners at the slightest misstep, but in evolutionary terms, it makes a lot of sense:

"A false-positive error—accepting an incompatible partner—can drain resources, reduce reproductive success, and carry long-term relational consequences, whereas a false-negative error—rejecting a compatible partner—results in a missed opportunity but poses fewer immediate risks," the study says.

So if the guy you were into shows up in a fedora one day, it's probably best to show him the door posthaste. Better safe than sorry.

What causes the ick?


- YouTubewww.youtube.com

It's usually brought on by things that, on the surface, seem pretty unimportant. We're not talking about cheating, emotional abuse, or being a bad person. It's much subtler than that. The researchers use lots of examples from TV to make their point:

"In Seinfeld ... Jerry is disgusted by his date's 'manly' hands; and in Sex and the City ... Carrie is revolted by a lover after learning he wrote her a love song."

But where the actual studying part of the study comes in is that the authors began inhaling TikTok videos where users discussed their experiences getting the ick, and they began rigorously categorizing the responses.

The real-life examples are even more nit-picky, like someone who licks their fingers before turning a page. Girls "tripping in public." A guy wearing jorts, or bending over too far and accidentally showing his butt crack. Or, in Adam Brody's case, wearing a sports coat. In many cases these simple (and hilarious!) things are death knells for a relationship once the ick sets in.

The researchers broke ick-inducing behaviors down into a few buckets: Gender incongruence, public embarrassment, or physical appearance. Believe it or not, physical appearance was not the most common! Gender incongruence — guys doing girly things, girls doing manly things — was the biggest category of ick-driving behavior. One girl said the guy she was dating gave her "the ick" when he laid his head on her shoulder affectionately.

Wow...

What getting "the ick" might say about you

disgust, inside out, the ick, dating, relationships, break ups, studies, scientific researchPrime candidate for The IckGiphy

The next part of the study involved recruiting participants who were willing to answer questions about their own experiences with this phenomenon. After thorough interviews, researchers narrowed down three traits that seem to indicate people are more likely to get "the ick,":

Narcissism. People who like to be the center of attention or otherwise display narcissistic tendencies were highly correlated in this study.

Perfectionism. Not perfectionism of the self, mind you! But people who scored highly on questions related to holding the people around them to exceptionally high standards were more prone to "the ick."

Disgust sensitivity. People were more likely to have experienced "the ick" if they answered strongly on questions relating to feeling disgust even outside of a dating or interpersonal sense. People who get exceptionally grossed out by disgusting things are more likely to experience revulsion at minor behaviors in a romantic partner.

Any of those things sound like you? If you're feeling judged, don't. Remember, getting icked-out by a partner isn't necessarily a bad thing. It could be an evolutionary response trying to protect you from making a bad choice (like having a baby with a weirdo). Though it's also important to remember this biological strategy also discards a lot of potentially great partners, so listen to your ick wisely — you might just want to give fedora guy another chance, after all.

A couple enjoying a glass of wine.

In the 1988 Disney classic “Who Framed Roger Rabbit,” the titular character is in an unlikely relationship with his voluptuous wife Jessica. Roger is a frantic, anxious rabbit with a penchant for mischief, while Jessica is a quintessential ’40s bombshell who stands about a foot and a half taller and isn’t “bad,” just “drawn that way.”

When private investigator Eddie Valiant asked Jessica what she sees in “that guy?” she replies, “He makes me laugh.” This type of couple may seem like something we only see in the movies, but don’t underestimate the power of humor when it comes to attractiveness. A 2022 study published in Evolutionary Psychology found that being humorous is the most effective way to flirt for both men and women.

“People think that humour, or being able to make another person laugh, is most effective for men who are looking for a long-term relationship. It’s least effective for women who are looking for a one-night stand. But laughing or giggling at the other person's jokes is an effective flirtation tactic for both sexes,” says Leif Edward Ottesen Kennair, a professor at the Norwegian University of Science and Technology's (NTNU) Department of Psychology.

dating, flirting, how to flirt, flirting advice, romance, men, women A woman smiles at a manImage via Canva

“It is not only effective to be funny, but for women, it is very important that you show your potential partner that you think they are funny,” Rebecca Burch, a co-author from SUNY Oswego in New York, added.

For men, showing off their sense of humor was found to be the most effective way to flirt whether they were looking for a short-term or a long-term relationship. For women, being funny was the most effective tactic when looking for a long-term relationship. For people looking for a short-term fling, appearing available was the most effective tactic.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

According to the study, humor is effective regardless of one's attractiveness. “Individual differences in age, religiosity, extroversion, personal attractiveness and preferences for short-term sexual relationships had little or no effect on how effective respondents considered the various flirting tactics to be,” says study co-author Prof. Mons Bendixen.

If you see someone you like but don’t think you’re good-looking enough for them, give it a shot. You may still have a chance if you can make ’em laugh.

The most effective tactics for those looking for a long-term relationship:

For women:

1. Makes him laugh

2. Shows interest in conversations

3. Spends time with him

4. Engages in deep conversations

5. Kisses on mouth


flirting, flirting advice, how to flirt, dating, romance, men, womenA man texts a woman sitting near himImage via Canva

For men:

1. Makes her laugh

2. Spends time with her

3. Shows interest in conversations

4. Engages in deep conversations

5. Smiles

The study is proof that looks aren’t everything and shows that having a good sense of humor isn’t just about making someone laugh. A great sense of humor is evidence that someone is intelligent, wise, perceptive, confident, can see things from new perspectives and has good intuition. It also helps people quickly build bonds and share experiences, which is a great way to get close to someone in a fast and fun way.

So why wouldn’t Jessica be with Roger? The guy is hilarious.

This story originally appeared three years ago.

Five women hold their bellies in a baby shower photo.

Getting married and having a child is a huge life change and so when a group of friends goes through the same experience together, it’s a great way to bond. Unfortunately, for some people, these changes on the domestic front can take over their lives and become their entire personality.

People who are single and aren’t looking to have kids any time soon can have a hard time relating to their friends who are married with children because they have less in common. Further, when you don’t have children, it can be a little tedious to hear people talk all day about lactation, sleep schedules and spitting up.

These topics can be boring to people who have children, too.

children, family, friendship, vacation, childfree, having kidsA woman without kids says she's tired of hearing about her friends' babiesImage via Canva

A Redditor who goes by Remarkable_Lake410, who we’ll call RL for brevity’s sake, recently ran into this problem with her friends. Instead of feigning interest in married mom life, she decided to be honest with them about why she didn’t want to join them on a trip.

“I (27F) have a group of female friends (8 of us). We have been friends for over a decade, since school. Now, we don’t live in the same place, but we meet up a couple of times a year for a weekend on an Airbnb. This used to be a weekend of good food, drinks, hot tub, etc.” she wrote on the AITH forum.

“Around five of my friends are either married or in very long-term relationships. Of these five, two either have a baby or are pregnant. I will be seeing all of my friends this year for various wedding, friend and baby events. I have been invited to this year's girls' trip, but I have said I can’t come. I didn’t originally provide a reason,” she continued.

@tmurph

When I’m on Vacation I don’t have any kids🤣…those kids are US citizens I’m Jamaican unit next week 🤷🏾‍♂️😂 . . . . #tmurph #parenting #momsoftiktok #mom #momlife #dad #dadlife #parentinghacks #millennial #reels #explorepage #fyp #adultchildren #parentstruggles #foryoupage #parenthood_moments #vacation #jamaica #parentsvacation #getaway

But a friend pushed her to find out why she didn’t want to go on the trip and she was honest: She didn’t want to be stuck constantly hearing about babies, marriage and weddings on a trip that was going to cost a significant amount of money.

“[Last time], I listened to one of my friends talk about her breastfeeding plans, with vengeance, for over an hour. She is not pregnant or trying. Truthfully, it’s boring, and it feels dismissive,” RL wrote. It’s also a really expensive way to feel bad about myself.”

When her friend heard her reason, she was “really hurt,” and it felt like RL didn’t care about her and her other friends. So, RL asked the Reddit forum if she was in the wrong for being honest and skipping a trip that would be all about marriage and babies.

The post received over 4,000 responses that were overwhelmingly supportive for RL.

family, kids, vacation, women, babies, having children, not having children The woman received a wave of support for her decision to not travel with family-obsessed friendsImage via Canva

"On the surface, this seems like it’s just about engagements, weddings and babies. You go out of your way to be constantly supportive of them. However they don’t reciprocate that for you. They can’t relate to anything or want to relate to anything outside of their lives. It would sort of be like if you just won an award, but all they talked about was the pie they just ate that morning," Dependant_praline_93 wrote in the most popular comment.

"We all change as we get older. You naturally drift apart from some friends, especially if their lifestyle changes dramatically (think married with children, in particular). I wouldn't want to spend a lot of money to spend 3 days with a group that had such dis-similar interests. And I don't think it was wrong to be truthful when your friend asked you why you wouldn't go," Smokin_HOT_Ice added.

women, vacation, kids, parenting, not having kids, vacation without kidsTwo women talk while drinking teaImage via Canva

One commenter with kids has a close friend who is a child-free and she has made an effort to ask her about her life and interests of just talking about parenting.

“I was 38 when I had my first child and I read an article in Working Mother magazine when I was pregnant, and it said not to be the jerk who always talks about your pregnancy and your baby to your friends, especially the ones without babies,” JellyBear135 wrote. “When I see her, I always ask about her work, her activities outside of work and recently, her new baby dog. She lives alone and doesn’t have a lot of people who always ask about her life so I make sure I always do. I check in via text every couple of weeks to ask her about her life.”

After receiving a huge response from her post, RL wrote an update revealing that another friend who’s in the same boat decided not to go on the trip as well. “I have spoken to one of my other friends invited on the trip (who is also not at the baby stage of life); she is also not going on the trip and said she is not attending for the same reason,” RL wrote.

It seems the big takeaway from RL’s dilemma isn’t just that stage-of-life changes such as marriage and having babies can create chasms in friendships. But we need to make sure that we’re not just talking about ourselves to our friends but listening to them as well. Because a one-way friendship isn’t a friendship at all.

This article originally appeared last year.

rab_moudallal/Instagram

It's not as weird as it sounds.

When you become a parent, your nighttime routine gets thrown for a loop. The first couple of years are a rollercoaster of changes—when the kids go to bed, how often they wake up, how long they sleep. Things start to normal out after a while, but if you have a second kid, or a third, you can start the clock over again each time. Some couples live in nighttime chaos for years and years at a time.

Not only does this naturally cause a ton of sleep disruption and sleep loss in parents of young kids, it can also be a huge source of conflict within a couple. Who gets up with the kids at night? Who gets extra rest in the morning? With two sleep deprived, cranky parents, tempers can flare easily around the subject of rest.

One dad took to social media to come clean about how he handles the restless nights: He and his wife, parents to two young kids, don’t sleep in the same room anymore.

Rabeeh Moudallal, in an Instagram reel, discussed the couple’s “married but separate” sleeping strategy. He says he usually sleeps on a mattress on the floor in their toddler’s room, while his wife, Katie, handles any late night fussiness or feedings with the baby. In their arrangement, both parents don’t have to get woken up every time one of the kids does. It minimizes disruption and sleep loss, and let’s them take turns helping each other out if one of them has a particularly rough stretch. It may not be the most romantic set up in the world, but for this phase of life, it makes a lot of sense!

Watch Moudallal’s full reel here:

I can absolutely relate to what Moudallal is describing here. I have a 4-year-old with significant sleep issues and I’ve spent many long stretches sleeping on the floor in her room every night.

Although my wife and I don't usually sleep separately on purpose, during rough patches with the kids it makes sense to “divide and conquer” sometimes—there’s no reason for both my wife and I to suffer during those disruptive nights, after all! I think it's smart to play to the strengths of each person in the couple. If one partner is good at getting up early or but struggles to go back to sleep after being woken, and you know the other one doesn't mind taking the midnight shift and sleeping in a little later, why not use that to your advantage? Doing everything as a team often just means no one's ever rested and fresh.

gif of woman sleepily waking from a napDisrupted sleep can have a lot of consequences. Giphy

There was a palpable sense of relief in the comments section of the viral video, where dozens of parents were overjoyed to finally admit without shame that they did the same:

"This is legit our same set up ! It's good to see others are in the same boat! Just trying to survive it all"

"When we first done this 7 years ago I was too embarrassed and scared to tell anyone incase people thought it was so wrong, and it would ruin our relationship, but it’s about survival"

"I always say to hubby, we’ve got years to be together, the kids need us at the moment. It won’t be forever"

Studies say about a third of couples don’t sleep in the same room or bed regularly. It’s more common than you think and is nothing to be ashamed of.

This number used to be closer to 25%, but it's growing rapidly.

Couples with different schedules, for example, commonly sleep separately. But so do those who deal with one partner snoring or having restless legs or insomnia. They’re all perfectly valid reasons to sleep separately, which can reduce conflicts and help everyone get more rest. That leads to happier relationships overall, so it's easy to see why the trend is catching on.

Parenting young kids who constantly wake or cry in the middle of the night is as good a reason as any to sleep in different rooms for a while.

But a word of caution for baggy-eyed parents: Sleeping in separate beds for logistical reasons is one thing, but deprioritizing your relationship is another.

It’s easy to think you have all the time in the world for each other once this phase of early parenthood ends, but putting intimacy off for extended periods of time can have lasting consequences. And news flash, there will be another stressful phase of parenting waiting for you after the sleepless nights are over! It’s not going to get easier, just a different kind of hard.

Moudallal even admits this. “I kind of miss being able to roll over and talk to my wife at night instead of just texting her from her room," he says, jokingly calling the separation a "natural contraception."

Couples who are parents need time together, even when chaos with the kids is swirling all around them. It's no secret that raising young kids puts enormous pressures on relationships, and a lot of couples don't survive it. It’s OK to divide and conquer and not find that intimacy by sleeping next to each other, but just make sure you replace it with other ways of connecting instead of always waiting around for smoother sailing.