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Mom shares 'kind can' idea after 7-year-old expresses struggles with friends at school

She described the "kind can" as "a way to keep our hearts open even when they want to close.”

Sasja Nieukerk-Chomos/Facebook

The "kind can" is a tool for helping kids connect with others.

At some point, most parents have to field questions, concerns, worries, anxieties, and, sometimes, outright despair from their kids about their relationships with other kids. Friendships can be messy. Bullying is a thing. When you pool together a couple of dozen kids who are growing, changing, and figuring out their emotions for most of the day, all manner of relational dynamics can emerge.

Navigating the social landscape with our kids isn't easy. Each child is unique, some are more sensitive or aware of what's happening than others, and some need assistance with figuring out how to handle tough social situations. As parents, we don't want to swoop in and solve their problems, but we also don't want to leave them rudderless in a storm. We want to provide them with the tools and help them build the skills they'll need to steer their own ship.

kids, parenting, parents, tweens, issuesFinding the right balance can be tough.Image via Canva

One tool that can help a kid who is struggling to connect with their peers is intentional kindness. However, a blanket admonition to "be kind" is often too vague to help a kid in the midst of a social crisis. That's why one parent's "kind can" idea has gone viral—it offers a specific way to practice kindness in a way that's not overwhelming.

In a 2022 post on LinkedIn, mom Sasja Nieukerk-Chomos shared the idea, writing:

"'Mom, I hate them.'

'Them' being her friends at school.

This is what my 7-year-old confided to me as I was putting her to bed the other night.

I could have made light of her hatred, like I’ve done when she tells me she hates broccoli.

I could have gotten caught up in her anger: 'Who are these kids upsetting my daughter!?'

Instead, I asked her what was going on that her heart hurt so much.

Because under anger is usually hurt."


kind can, linkedin, post, social media, mom, parentingNieukerk-Chomos' post on LinkedInvia LinkedIn.

"Sure enough, the tears came pouring out as she told me about how her best friend only wanted to play with another girl, and how when she went to find others to play with they told her to go away.

This had been happening all week.

'Why doesn’t anybody like me?'

I didn’t have an answer for that, but I did have a thought: It’s time for the Kind Can.

Suddenly I was 8 years old again, a grade 3 student who was having a rough start to the school year.

I had a teacher I didn’t like, friendships had shifted, and I couldn’t seem to get along with anyone. I hated going to school.

My mom created a Kind Can.

She used a big Nescafe tin can (remember those?)

In the can went the names of every single one of my classmates. Each morning before school I
would pull a name out of the can. That day I had to go out of my way to do something kind for them.

Not to have them do something in return.

For no other reason than to do something kind.

It wasn’t easy at first, but my mom encouraged me to keep trying, and helped me think of all the different ways I could show kindness to others.

It started to get really fun!

And then things shifted.

No longer caught up in my own mind about what others were ‘doing to me’, I was now focused on what I was doing for others.

Though there were no expectations of kindness in return, more and more kindness is what I got. I loved going to school!

I told my daughter about the Kind Can and her eyes got that little spark – the one that tells me she’s about to get creative.

So yes, she has big plans for just how fancy this can will be – much better than an old tin can she proclaimed! That’s our project.

A Kind Can.

A way to create more kindness.

A way to keep our hearts open even when they want to close."

People loved the "kind can" idea, with the post being shared more than 3,000 times. Some people pointed out the beauty of the wisdom in it being passed down through generations. Several parents wished that they had seen the idea when their own kids were going through some social struggles. Many commenters said that a lot of adults could use a kind can as well.

kindness, kind can, parenting, kids, friendships, lessonsPass It On Be Kind GIFGiphy

With bullying becoming more widespread thanks to the Internet and social media, many parents are aware of the importance of instilling kindness in their children. On social media, parents are making a point to highlight moments of kindness from their own kids or from another kid to theirs, and the videos are warming hearts and reminding viewers that the kids really are all right—and will continue to be so long as we continue to model kindness like Nieukerk-Chomos.

@ismeganokay

When I tell you I burst into tears when that girl offered her her hand… a small gesture can mean so much | #bekind #endbullying #adhd #parenting

A "kind can" won't solve every friendship woe a child has, but goodness knows the world could use more kindness. Helping kids practice that virtue with a tool that makes it specific and fun is definitely a win-win.

This article originally appeared three years ago. It has been updated.

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Joy

Her husband mysteriously brought home bananas and tuna, then she found the note explaining why

“Marry him again, sis."

@jaethefade/Threads, Photo credit: Canva

This is so, so thoughtful.

Actress Janaé Basemore recently shared (via Threads) how she found it perplexing that her husband bought what she called “an obnoxious amount” of bananas—not that she minded, per se, as she was eating them daily—and tuna fish, which she found strange. Not only that, but the hubs offered to cook trout for dinner, which wasn’t exactly a dinner staple in their household.

Lo and behold, the oh-so endearing motivations behind this perplexing grocery haul became clear once Basemore was cleaning the house and found copious notes on her husband's desk.

The subject of these notes? Each phase of her menstrual cyle—and how best to support her through them.

View on Threads

Basemore’s husband seemingly left not stone unturned—from jotting down which foods are best for each phase (trout and bananas are particularly great for the follicular phase) to anticipating what her moods would likely be (“follicular phase=likes me,” “luteal phase=hates me”).

Down in the comments, people called this an undeniable “green flag.”

“Marry him again sis,” one person quipped.

“I’m gonna need a copy of this for my husband,” said another.

clapping, praise, green flag, woman clapping, good jobThe greenest flag. media1.giphy.com

This list is especially helpful considering that Basemore is diagnosed with Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), a more severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS) where symptoms like extreme irritability, depression, anxiety, and other symptoms like fatigue, sleep disturbances, and changes in appetite typically start in the week or two before menstruation and usually subside a few days after menstruation begins. However, those symptoms can be managed by a diet that helps to restore hormonal balance and manage inflammation.

But really, even if a woman doesn’t have PMDD, a diet that helps restore balance during each of their phases can be extremely beneficial. That, and a little emotional support from their partners.

Granted, this kind of intel (along with most aspects of the female body) aren’t exactly well known even to many women, much less to the men who love them. That’s kind of what makes this whole story so sweet. Her husband clearly made an effort to learn something that wasn’t common knowledge. Some folks murmured that the handwriting in his notes looked like it belonged to a female…but, even if that were the case…who cares? It was still him applying those notes in real life. The trout, people!

And for those guys (and gals) looking to learn more about how to best support each menstrual phase, here’s a quick general rundown, courtesy of London Clinic Nutrition:

Menstrual phase: Day 1 to 3-7

This is the ‘period’ stage of your cycle, when the uterine lining sheds causing you to bleed and estrogen/progesterone levels are low.

Foods to eat:

  • Shellfish
  • Pork
  • Pumpkin + flax seeds
  • Black + kidney bean
  • Red: Beets, berries, grapes, peppers
  • Seaweeds

Avoid: heavily processed foods, alcohol, spicy foods and sugar as these can contribute to inflammation which may cause painful period cramps to be more severe. That said, it’s okay to slip in a couple of comfort meals.

Follicular phase: Day 3-7 to 12

This phase begins on the first day of your period (overlapping with the menstrual phase) and finishes when you start to ovulate. Energy levels might increase during this phase, making it a good opportunity to add some more vigorous exercise. This is a time to up magnesium-rich foods to reduce heavy periods and PMS symptoms.

Foods to eat:

  • Trout
  • Chicken, eggs
  • Pumpkin + flax seeds
  • Lentils, mung beans
  • Berries, grapes
  • Green: Broccoli, lettuce, zucchini, avocado
  • Citrus, pomegranate
  • Fermented foods
  • Barley, oat, wheat

Ovulation: Day 12 to 16

Estrogen levels reach their peak in this phase, so eating foods high in fiber can help to reduce those levels and avoid estrogen dominance.

Foods to eat:

  • Salmon, tuna
  • Lamb
  • Sesame and sunflower
  • Red lentils
  • Berries, grapes
  • Spinach, tomato, eggplant, dandelion, brussels sprouts
  • Apricot, cantaloupe, fig
  • Chocolate, coffee, alcohol (in moderation)
  • Corn, quinoa

Luteal Phase: Day 16 to 28

Unless a woman becomes pregnant, this phase is commonly associated with premenstrual symptoms as the body prepares for the next period. Again, foods high in magnesium can help mitigate pain, low energy, and low libido that can occur during this phase.

Foods to eat:

  • White fish
  • Red meat, turkey
  • Sesame and sunflower
  • Chickpeas, navy bean
  • Berries, grapes
  • Cruciferous + bitter veg: garlic, ginger, onion, sweet potato, cauliflower, cabbage, dark greens
  • Apple, date, pear, peach
  • Mint + greens powder
  • Brown rice, millet
This is just a starting point, but hopefully it helps women (and their partners) navigate the never-ending adventure that is the female body.
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Men share 30 women's habits they had no idea about until they actually lived with a woman

"Similar to cats, they naturally gravitate to the warmest parts of the house."

Photo credit: Canva

These all seem to ring true.

While we are moving away from the rigidly binary “men are from Mars, women are from Venus,” mentality, we all know that each gender tends to have its own special quirks. And often, unless we grew up with a bunch of siblings from the opposite sex, we don’t learn what those quirks are until we move in with a significant other. Truly, it can feel like observing the daily ritual of another species entirely.

Recently, men were asked to open up about the womanly habits they had no idea were a thing until they got a girlfriend. Their answers were funny, sweet, and (not to speak for all women, but…) totally relatable. I’m certainly guilty of every single one of these.

Keep reading to see what the fellas said:

1. “She talks to herself when she blowdries her hair. Every time, and only then. Due to the noise of the dryer, I can't understand what she's saying, but she really goes on. Once she stops drying, she stops talking. Happens every day.”

living with a woman, men vs women, women's skincare, moving in, relationships, beauty routineA woman blowdrying her hairPhoto credit: Canva

2. “Anything that comes in a mini size is called cute. Mini bullet = cute. Mini Machete = cute. Doesn’t matter what it is as long as it’s mini.”

3. "Similarly to cats, they naturally gravitate to the warmest parts of the house. It might be the cozy chair, a heated blanket, or the bed section I was just lying in. I'm honestly unsure if she loves me or just my excess heat (and I'm honestly OK either way)."

4. “The "everything" shower.”

5. “Common areas which can be seen by guests: SPOTLESS. Their personal space that closes that cannot be seen by guests: FUCKING DISASTER.”

living with a woman, men vs women, women's skincare, moving in, relationships, beauty routineA woman in a closetPhoto credit: Canva

6. “First time I moved in with a partner I certainly wasn't ready for the transformation my bathroom counter was about to go through.”

7. “I don't know if it's women in general, but my wife sheds clothes like a snake around the house. You can find evidence of exactly where she became uncomfortable and how much, depending on if the discarded clothes are in a small pile or strewn around the room.”

8. “How much time and effort they spend curating style. The reason they call “shopping” a whole hobby is bc half the time they aren’t even buying anything. They’re spending hours just browsing (online or at a store) just concocting aesthetics in their heads and brainstorming new looks or ideas. Meanwhile I’ve been wearing the same 8 shirts and 8 pairs of pants for the last ten years.”

living with a woman, men vs women, women's skincare, moving in, relationships, beauty routineOnline shoppingPhoto credit: Canva

9. “That skincare was such a big deal. I think before I met my wife, I used to just use soap on my face, which almost gave her an aneurysm. Meanwhile, she is using about 5000 products in the morning and night on her face (snail something was the strangest one).After 7 years together she managed to get me using cleanser and moisturizer. I still can't tell the difference.”

10. “3 foot tall piles of clothes on the ground I’d assume are dirty but apparently they’re not? But at the same time some are dirty? I guess? Idfk.”

11. "The fact that they take showers with boiling water. I'll occasionally try to be a little spontaneous with my wife and sneak in the shower with her. First, I must locate the shower because I can't see a foot in front of me due to all the steam. When I finally step in, I must use her as a human shield until she turns the temperature down."

living with a woman, men vs women, women's skincare, moving in, relationships, beauty routineA hot showerPhoto credit: Canva

12. "They never finish their drinks. I find two cups of half-drunken coffee scattered around the house multiple times a week until we run out of coffee cups."

13. "She takes her bra off at the end of the day the same way I take my belt off my jeans when I get home. It is with the force of a thousand suns and a sigh of relief."

14. "Women have a million black hair ties and also none."

living with a woman, men vs women, women's skincare, moving in, relationships, beauty routineHair tiesPhoto credit: Canva

15. “A compulsive need to squeeze blackheads and tweeze [rogue] hairs. Sometimes, she will be scratching my back or scalp, and I think, hey, this is wonderful. I wonder what I did to deserve this, and then out of nowhere, I feel like I've become the victim of 1,000 fire ants."

16. "That a 5-foot-tall, 100-pound woman can take up an entire king-size bed."

17. "My wife pulls on the toilet paper roll like she's trying to start a lawn mower."

living with a woman, men vs women, women's skincare, moving in, relationships, beauty routineA woman holding toilet paperPhoto credit: Canva

18. "They plan things way more than I do and much further out. I have no clue what tomorrow will bring, but my wife has the next five-plus years of our life together planned out."

19. "Hair washing is something that needs planning for and has consequences if missed or overdone."

20. "If you buy snacks for yourself, hide dat sh*t. She'll find it."

living with a woman, men vs women, women's skincare, moving in, relationships, beauty routineA woman eating a donutPhoto credit: Canva

21. "Makeup is a whole thing. I never saw my mom put it on as a little kid. When I lived with my first significant other, watching her put on makeup fascinated me. I lost track of time when she went full-on with the makeup for an event."

22. "They are either cold or hungry. Sometimes both. Never neither."

23. "Their hair gets everywhere. One time, my toe was hurting, so I removed my shoe and sock and noticed that a strand of my girlfriend's hair had wrapped itself TIGHTLY around my toe and cut off the circulation."

living with a woman, men vs women, women's skincare, moving in, relationships, beauty routineHair on the floorPhoto credit: Canva

24. "As a guy with long hair, I’m still thoroughly confused about why there is so much more hair everywhere now than when I was living alone."

25. "How tricky it is to find a well-fitting bra and how darn expensive they are."

26. "Pillows. Pillows everywhere. The more decorative pillow, the better."

living with a woman, men vs women, women's skincare, moving in, relationships, beauty routinePillowsPhoto credit: Canva

27. "How much time women spend in the bathroom every night before sleeping. No, sir, it's not just a matter of brushing your teeth and going to bed."

28. "A cute little thing I noticed after we were married is that my wife holds her breath when she applies mascara."

29. "A trip to the grocery store can turn into a full day of reorganizing the entire pantry and refrigerator."

living with a woman, men vs women, women's skincare, moving in, relationships, beauty routineA woman shoppingPhoto credit: Canva

30. "How much of their social life is tied to their personal safety. Women have safety protocols for going on date with guys they meet on apps, making sure they don’t get drugged at parties, making sure they aren’t nabbed off the street, letting each other know which men around them are safe and who they need to be careful around, etc. It’s insane. And like wtf, so heartbreaking that it’s necessary."

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Love Stories

Researchers have been secretly studying who gets "the ick" and what it might say about you

"The ick" has been around for ages but never measured and analyzed. Until now.

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The ick: A sudden revulsion to a romantic partner over trivial behavior.

The first time I heard of "the ick" came from watching the hit Netflix show Nobody Wants This. In the show, Kristen Bell's character suddenly develops the ick for Adam Brody's character (whom she's dating) after a series of relatively minor faux pas as he's trying to impress her parents. He wears a cheesy sports coat and makes one-too-many corny jokes, to be precise. She suddenly finds herself repulsed by him, and insists that no one has "ever come back from the ick."

Adam Brody's character eventually wins her back over with an impressive display of emotional maturity, but it was a fascinating sequence nonetheless. It brought the term to the attention of a lot of viewers and catapulted it even higher into the zeitgeist.

A new study in the journal Personality and Individual Differences aims to shed light on this phenomenon, and the people who experience it.


dating, relationships, break ups, divorce, the ick, dating studyThe Ick even made it to JeopardyGiphy

For starters, let's define "the ick," or rather, let the authors of the study do it:

"The 'ick' 'is a sudden and visceral aversion to a romantic partner, often triggered by behaviors or characteristics that superficially signal incompatibility or low mate quality."

In other words, it's when a person says or does something that really skeeves you out or turns you off. It sounds a little silly, but the ick can be extremely powerful and tough for people to shake. That's because, as the authors note, whatever the behavior is that icked you out might signal that you're not a good match for this person, or that they're just a low quality partner in general. So in a sense, it's an evolutionary protection mechanism.

It seems extremely harsh that our bodies would be trained to reject partners at the slightest misstep, but in evolutionary terms, it makes a lot of sense:

"A false-positive error—accepting an incompatible partner—can drain resources, reduce reproductive success, and carry long-term relational consequences, whereas a false-negative error—rejecting a compatible partner—results in a missed opportunity but poses fewer immediate risks," the study says.

So if the guy you were into shows up in a fedora one day, it's probably best to show him the door posthaste. Better safe than sorry.

What causes the ick?


- YouTubewww.youtube.com

It's usually brought on by things that, on the surface, seem pretty unimportant. We're not talking about cheating, emotional abuse, or being a bad person. It's much subtler than that. The researchers use lots of examples from TV to make their point:

"In Seinfeld ... Jerry is disgusted by his date's 'manly' hands; and in Sex and the City ... Carrie is revolted by a lover after learning he wrote her a love song."

But where the actual studying part of the study comes in is that the authors began inhaling TikTok videos where users discussed their experiences getting the ick, and they began rigorously categorizing the responses.

The real-life examples are even more nit-picky, like someone who licks their fingers before turning a page. Girls "tripping in public." A guy wearing jorts, or bending over too far and accidentally showing his butt crack. Or, in Adam Brody's case, wearing a sports coat. In many cases these simple (and hilarious!) things are death knells for a relationship once the ick sets in.

The researchers broke ick-inducing behaviors down into a few buckets: Gender incongruence, public embarrassment, or physical appearance. Believe it or not, physical appearance was not the most common! Gender incongruence — guys doing girly things, girls doing manly things — was the biggest category of ick-driving behavior. One girl said the guy she was dating gave her "the ick" when he laid his head on her shoulder affectionately.

Wow...

What getting "the ick" might say about you

disgust, inside out, the ick, dating, relationships, break ups, studies, scientific researchPrime candidate for The IckGiphy

The next part of the study involved recruiting participants who were willing to answer questions about their own experiences with this phenomenon. After thorough interviews, researchers narrowed down three traits that seem to indicate people are more likely to get "the ick,":

Narcissism. People who like to be the center of attention or otherwise display narcissistic tendencies were highly correlated in this study.

Perfectionism. Not perfectionism of the self, mind you! But people who scored highly on questions related to holding the people around them to exceptionally high standards were more prone to "the ick."

Disgust sensitivity. People were more likely to have experienced "the ick" if they answered strongly on questions relating to feeling disgust even outside of a dating or interpersonal sense. People who get exceptionally grossed out by disgusting things are more likely to experience revulsion at minor behaviors in a romantic partner.

Any of those things sound like you? If you're feeling judged, don't. Remember, getting icked-out by a partner isn't necessarily a bad thing. It could be an evolutionary response trying to protect you from making a bad choice (like having a baby with a weirdo). Though it's also important to remember this biological strategy also discards a lot of potentially great partners, so listen to your ick wisely — you might just want to give fedora guy another chance, after all.

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