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red flags

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe and a scene at a restaurant.

Have you ever met somebody new and wondered if they were a good person with a mischievous streak or a bad person who can turn on the charm and behave occasionally? Determining someone’s true moral character is important, especially if you start dating them or have a business relationship. It is crucial to get to the core of who they are and know whether they can be trusted.

Popular TikTok philosopher and Substack writer Juan de Medeiros recently shared a great way to determine whether someone is good or bad. His rubric for judging someone’s moral character comes from a quote commonly attributed to Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, a German poet, playwright, novelist, and intellectual known for works like Faust and The Sorrows of Young Werther.

How can you tell if someone is a good or a bad person?

“Here's a pretty good indicator that somebody is a bad person and vice versa, how you can spot a good one. And this goes back to a simple rule, a moral aphorism by Goethe in which he writes, ‘Never trust someone who is unkind to those who can do nothing for him,’” de Medeiros shared in a TikTok video with over 45,000 views.

“Never trust someone who is unkind to those who can do nothing for him,” Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

@julianphilosophy

Good vs. bad #good #bad #wisdom

De Medeiros then provided real-world ways to determine whether the person you have questions about is good or bad. “A bad person is unfriendly to strangers, to the elderly, to children, to service staff, to anybody they're not trying to impress,” he said. At the same time, the good person treats people equally, no matter what they can do for him. They’re good for goodness sake, not to get anything out of it.

“A good person carries grace within them and shares it freely with abundance. A good person treats other people as they would like to be treated as well. And it doesn't matter who you are, it doesn't matter what your status is, they will treat you and see you as their equal,” de Medeiros said.


What is 'The Waiter Rule'?

Goethe’s quote echoes the common red/green flag test that many people have on dates. Sure, it's important if your date is courteous and treats you well on the date, but you really want to watch how they interact with the server. The rule is often called “The Waiter Rule,” outlined by William Swanson. Swanson, the former chairman and CEO of Raytheon Company, wrote in his book, 33 Unwritten Rules of Management, "A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter—or to others—is not a nice person." Boxer Muhammad Ali is also known for saying something similar: "I don't trust anyone who's nice to me but rude to the waiter. Because they would treat me the same way if I were in that position."


Rudeness toward the waitstaff also indicates that the person isn’t very smart. It’s not wise to be rude to someone who is in charge of your meal for the night.

Conversely, a good person is kind to others without looking for anything in return because they want to spread joy and believe that others deserve respect. You are what you do, not what you think or believe, and when someone treats others with goodness, it's a clear indicator of the type of person they are.

In the end, we are all a mixed bag of behaviors and attitudes, and even the most perfect of us has a devil on their shoulder telling them that it’s okay to occasionally get into a bit of mischief. However, when it comes down to determining someone's core character, how they treat those who can do nothing for them says everything.

An anry wife shares her thoughts with her husband.

A husband invited some new coworkers over for dinner and instead of properly introducing his wife, he made a sexist joke that she felt was belittling. The wife, who goes by the name Sadie on Reddit, shared the story on the AITA forum to ask if she responded correctly.

Spoiler alert: Yes, she did. “My husband invited his new coworkers over for dinner. When they arrived, he introduced me by gesturing at me and saying, ‘This is Mrs. Smith (he didn't even say my name)...the housewife!'" Sadie revealed.

“I looked at him for a second, then I started laughing hysterically,” Sadie continued. “I then told said, ‘No, honey, I work full time, and YES I still act like a housewife when I'm home because you simply can't bother to help.’” After Sadie’s remark, the guests stared at the husband, who tried to laugh it off and then changed the subject by asking them if they wanted a drink.

The rest of the dinner was awkward, with the husband and wife exchanging angry glances. After the guests left, the husband blew up at Sadie, saying that she laughed like a “lunatic” and that she ruined “his image.”

“I told him he was wrong to lie about my status and deny my degree, to begin with,” Sadie continued. He said I could've talked to him about it privately later but not like this, and making his coworkers think he's useless.” Sadie asked the online forum if she was out of line, and they responded with a collective no.

People overwhelmingly supported the wife, raising an issue far beyond the fact that her husband was seriously inconsiderate. It’s a big red flag in a relationship when one spouse diminishes or belittles the other in public or private.

“Men who diminish their partners to look better at the office are gross. He only seemed to care about his embarrassment and not yours. I'd be mortified if my husband used a lie that robbed me of my success and accomplishments to prop himself up," Geranium27 wrote.

“It's a red flag for the relationship. He doesn't want a partner who is an equal. He wants a dependent woman who he can provide for completely so he can feel like a man," RedWanderingLizard added.

Some also noted that it was wrong of him to disparage homemakers.

"He diminished (being a housewife is not a ‘low’ role, but he meant it that way) you in public, you corrected him. In public. As he deserved,” LetThemEatHay wrote.

The viral post received over 24,000 comments, highlighting the idea that belittling your partner is a serious sign of a dysfunctional relationship that should not be ignored.

According to Psychology Today, backhanded compliments, digs and subtle put-downs are attempts by one partner to make the other feel small and themselves feel big. “Although cleverly disguised as a joke or a compliment, these comments may qualify as ‘toxic’ if they sting, cause confusion, and replay in a person’s mind for days, disrupting their peace,” Erin Leonard, Ph.D. writes.

Ultimately, commenters overwhelmingly agreed that Sadie was right not to let her husband's belittling compliment go unnoticed. By sharing it online, she opened up a meaningful discussion about appropriate humor in relationships. Studies show that it’s healthy for partners to joke around with one another, but when the comments are thinly veiled put-downs and backhanded compliments, it’s no laughing matter.


This article originally appeared last year.

A man and woman enjoying a nice night out.

Lindsay, a TikTok user named @CuteasCluck, recently found herself in a real conundrum while on a date at a restaurant. She was on her third date with a man she had previously met on Facetime and then went to dinner with. Now, while enjoying drinks after watching a sporting event, things were getting a little serious.

When Lindsay got up to go to the bathroom, she was approached by 2 women in their early 20s sitting directly behind her at the restaurant, who had got a good look at her date. “My hair was behind my back most of the time," Lindsay said. "So she like grabs my hair and is like, ‘oh my God. Your hair is so pretty, you’re so beautiful, I just had to stop you.'" While the woman was complimenting her, she handed her a crudely folded-up note. “‘I just wanted to give you this,’” the woman said.

WARNING: Video containsstrong language.

@cuteascluck

Overthinkers Anonymous member

Lindsay partially opened the note, and it read, “Just no!” A few words were scribbled beside it that she didn't have time to read before her date noticed. When she got to the bathroom, she read the remaining part of the note, which said, “You can do better.” When she returned to the table, her date asked her about the letter, and she brushed it off. But she couldn’t focus for the rest of the date because the note raised many questions.

Did he do something when I went off to the bathroom? Do they know him from around town? Could it be his age? She wondered to himself.

She asked her followers on TikTok for advice, and many made the same point: When a woman hands another woman a note at a bar, take it seriously. “We don’t pass notes unless we are warning you,” one of the top commenters wrote. “Any girl giving me a note secretly on a date, I’m gonna believe the girl. She felt compelled enough to get involved which means it’s something,” another added. “Gir,l it means no. It also means the details were probably going to heavily offend you,” another wrote.

In a follow-up video, Lindsay said that after dinner, she received a series of drunken texts from her date that sounded like a sales pitch, saying things like: "I think we're going to be together, facts are facts," and "Any girl that is going to miss out on me, she's going to miss out. She needs to jump on this right now," and called her "jaded." The next day, he apologized and noted that he didn't know the girl who passed the note but said, "She must somehow know my ex or something."

@cuteascluck

Replying to @~♡MimiJulee♡~ #greenscreen I asked him about the note😱😱

The commenters on the video thought the red flags were now piling up. “Sales pitchy drunk texts after date two are reason enough for you to run and not look back,” a commenter wrote. “Too many red flags this soon,” another added.

In the final video of the series — unless the women who handed the note come forward — Lindsay says that she ended things with the man she was dating after receiving the drunk texts. Coupled with the warning on the note, it was enough for her to believe the guy was bad news. Ultimately, although Linday may never know why the woman gave her the note, it served a very important purpose: her date’s reaction to it exposed him as being unhinged and agressive. It's terrific that Lindsay could realize this before things got too serious.

@cuteascluck

Friendly reminder to those who know I’m a rambler, 2x speed 💁🏻‍♀️🥰




A woman into Tarot cards and a lady shocked her boyfriend likes Joe Rogan.

The numbers are stacked against young men when it comes to finding love on dating apps. They outnumber women 2 to 1 on the platforms, making the competition pretty tough. A new study finds that they’ll make things even harder for themselves if they admit to listening to the "Joe Rogan Experience” podcast in their profiles.

A new poll by Change Research surveyed 1,033 registered voters between 18 and 34 to ask about their political leanings and dating preferences. It discovered that women's biggest red flag when looking for a relationship is a date revealing they’re a MAGA Republican, with 76% of women saying it’s a turnoff. The second biggest red flag for women is people who “have no hobbies” (66%), and the third is those who say “All Lives Matter” (60%).


Fifty-five percent of women say it’s a big turnoff for potential partners to listen to the Rogan podcast. They also have a problem with people who “refuse” to see the “Barbie” movie (53%).

When it comes to men between the ages of 18 and 34, the biggest turn-off is people who identify as “communist” (64%), and they also have problems with those who have no hobbies (60%) as well as MAGA Republicans (59%).

Other turnoffs for men include being interested in astrology (41%) and saying “All Lives Matter” (41%).

Interestingly, people with no hobbies are a big red flag to people of both men and women. The common assumption is that people with no real hobbies or interests will rely on their partners to bring fun into their lives. Also, a lack of hobbies can mean a person lacks passion and may not have many personal goals.

When it comes to having too many hobbies, both men and women agree that it isn’t a big problem. The poll found that only 8% of women believe that having too many hobbies is a red flag and 6% of men agreed.

change research, dating red flags, dating green flags

Red flags in relationships graphic.

via Change Research

When it comes to green flags in a relationship, both men and women overwhelmingly agreed that they are very interested in potential partners who read. Ninety-five percent of women and 91% of men saw reading as a green flag. So, if you’re crafting an online dating profile, you may want to show some photos of you reading a book or list some of the books you’ve read recently.

They also agree that they are interested in people who research the best deals and rates before buying things. Eighty-eight percent of women listed being a smart consumer as a green flag, and men were close behind at 85%. Men (63%) and women (51%) also agreed it’s a green flag when someone looks better in person than in photos online.

change research, dating red flags, dating green flags

Green flags in relationships graphic.

via Change Research

Those of you looking to be in the dating pool during the upcoming presidential election should know there is a discrepancy between the genders regarding political affiliation among the 18 to 34 crowd. Although most people in this age range are moderate to liberal politically, there is a significant difference between genders.

This article originally appeared on 9.14.23