raising children

When you're in the thick of parenting, it can feel like you're just flying by the seat of your pants. You can read every parenting book under the sun and still feel like you're doing it wrong, and the conflicting advice about what to do and what not to do with your kids is enough to make your head spin. To make it even more complicated, each kid who comes into your life brings their own unique personalities, leading to specific joys and challenges and making definitive rules about parenting seem silly at best.

However, there's no doubt that some parents manage to raise kids into solid, healthy, contributing adult humans while maintaining good relationships with them. Some of those adult children are sharing what their parents did that made them good parents—what they did right in raising them—and it's a treasure trove of excellent parenting examples.

Here are some of the most popular responses:

They supported their kids' interests without judgment

"My parents are imperfect, but they did a lot of things right. The biggest one that sticks out to me is that they're supportive of things my brother and I like even when they don't understand or like it. They didn't really care for skateboarding, but they spent hundreds of dollars over the years for my brother to enjoy his hobby. They not only helped me get a drum set, but allowed the band to hold practice in our basement and drove us to all our shows. They wanted me to be a lawyer, but they were willing to settle for line cook. It made a difference in the long run, because eventually it helped me realize that I get to make my own choices in life - nothing is laid out for me. I can do whatever I enjoy, and my parents will be there for me, cheering me on."

"My parents are the same. My brother always showed huge passion over a short period of time for things like skateboarding, drums, BMXing etc and our parents happily bought him what was required for him to pursue his interests. He never did well academically so they were supportive when he chose to go into construction; our dad actually helped him get a job. When my brother showed restlessness with that job, our dad helped him start a business and kept it afloat during periods of financial difficulty.

I on the other hand, had my limited interests in reading and drawing nurtured. I was given books whenever requested and was supported when pursuing an art degree. Now I’m pursuing an entirely different degree and I’m supported by our parents once again in their own way.

They’ve never encouraged us in ways other parents might. We don’t get told we’ve done a good job or to keep going when we’re about to give up, we just know exactly what is expected of us and know if we fail, our parents won’t hold it against us. They’re there, quietly cheering us on in the background."

They explained themselves to their kids

"Taught respect, never played favorites. But the biggest thing was they always explained their actions and we're willing to discuss why, and occasionally even change their mind. It was never 'no because I said so.' I think I didn't really have a rebellious phase because they never really forbid anything, it was always 'well you can do that when you don't live here.'"

Explaining things to your kids is key. Photo credit: Canva

"This is honestly one of the biggest things a parent can do right. Mine always tried their best to explain everything to me. There was rarely ever any 'Because I said so' moments. Knowing the reasons why I could or couldn't do something made me listen 99% of the time. 'No, do your homework first - you'll have more time to play later.' 'No, you can't have that toy - we only have $200 to last us the rest of the week,' 'No, you can't be out past dusk - something bad's more likely to happen to you when it's dark.' It made me respect my parents instead of resent them, and it also helped me develop good habits and reasoning early on."

They were fair-minded and taught fair-mindedness

"My dad was exceptionally fair. Any conflict would be solved by sitting down and having me evaluate multiple perspectives. If we could reason through an issue and it appeared someone had indeed treated me poorly/done the wrong thing and I was 'in the right,' he would give me credit for that but then still work with me to find a way to resolve the issue with the other person. Vice versa, if I was wrong he had a way of conversing with me that made me realise it on my own.

I think this really helped in building some character traits I’m very grateful for, but it also built a child/parent relationship with mutual trust. I felt comfortable approaching my dad about anything. I knew he’d tell me about it if I was wrong, but I also knew he would back me if I was in the right. That was powerful, to feel respected as a teenager. It’s only now I’m an adult I realise how that empowerment drove me to be responsible for my own actions rather than blaming the world for not understanding me."

"Ah, my mother does this. One of the biggest things she taught me is to put myself in the other person's shoes and see the situation from their perspective rather than just my own. It's really shaped me into a kinder person, I think, and I'm really grateful for her."

They taught by their own example

"A lot of it was the little things they taught me by example. Stuff like being patient and kind to customer service or waitstaff. I’ve seen my parents get unbelievably mad with cable companies, but never to their face; they keep their cool and stay as polite as they can be on the phone, then blow a gasket after the call where it won’t get dumped on a call center worker who doesn’t deserve it. Just because you’re having a shitty day doesn’t mean they need to get cussed out too.

They also taught me to be accepting of others’ beliefs by example. We grew up going to church and when I came back from college I had done some thinking and decided I didn’t believe in God at all, and told my parents as much. My dad, who was the sitting president of the church council, said “alright, we won’t wake you up early on Sundays, and if you ever do want a ride to church you know where to find us”, and that was the end of the discussion.

Honestly a lot of principles I hold today are because I try to follow in their footsteps, since it’s because of them that I try to be a decent and honest person every day."

"They led by example. My parents never expected things out of me that they didn't live by themselves. Whether it was something as simple as being open and honest to our entire family or something more complicated like living within your means, budgeting, and treating all people with total kindness. It's a lot easier as a kid to look-up to your parents when they live their daily lives by the same values they taught me."

Cycle breaking parents are superheroes.Photo credit: Canva

They broke cycles of dysfunction

"My parent's weren't perfect and they weren't wealthy. My dad was abandoned as a child, in a state thousands of miles away from home, raised with a bunch of people he wasn't related to. My mom was a child of divorced parents, abused and hated by her step parents. They found each other and worked their ass's off so me, my sister, and my brother never had to go through those same troubles. Both of my parents have trauma from their youth, my dad can be paranoid, my mom struggles with depression, but they never abandoned us. When my cousin was starving because my auntue was out drinking, they took him in, and he became my brother. Sometimes they argue, sometimes they yell, but they never laid hands on each other. They've been there for me countless times, even when it cost everything. Now that I'm older I'm trying my hardest to be there for them, because i know now what they've done for us. They broke the cycle."

"My mom came from a huge, poor family. Her father was a physically abusive alcoholic and her mom was mentally ill. Her siblings are almost all into drugs and crime.

My dad's parents were immigrants, and were pretty locked into their culture. They all worked hard, but no one took care of their mental health and honoring your elders was more important than happiness. He married a tall white lady anyway.

They always encouraged me to do whatever I wanted, and be whoever I wanted. They broke cycles too, and they're amazing. They were financially smart and sacrificed so much for us, and I'm glad they're close to reaping the rewards in their retirement."

Some practices that popped up repeatedly in the discussion were:

- they spent time with me

- they read to me

- they loved me through mistakes

- they didn't shelter me

- they trusted me

- they respected me

One thing that a lot of people pointed out was that their "good" parents certainly weren't perfect. It might be a relief for current parents to know that you don't have to parent perfectly to have kids who are grateful for how you raised them.

May we all be the kinds of parents who are spoken of this highly by our adult kids when we're not around to hear it.