upworthy

psychology today

Celebrity

​Jessica Chastain says going back to school and learning how to negotiate has changed her life​

"We're in a time where it feels like no one is talking to each other."

commons.wikimedia.org

Jessica Chastain at the Berlin Film Festival.

Oscar-winning actress Jessica Chastain, known for her roles in Zero Dark Thirty, Interstellar and The Help, has decided to add a master's degree at Harvard University's John F. Kennedy School of Government to her already impressive résumé.

Though she has a prestigious degree from The Julliard School, Chastain explains in an interview with E! News, "I just like to be challenged and learn and exercise my brain in a new way."

Classes that have really stood out to her include "statistics" and "negotiation." Of the latter, she shares, "The thing I love most about negotiation—we had a class about resolving conflict. And right now we're at a time when it feels like no one is talking to each other. There's so much division."

- YouTube www.youtube.com

What she has learned from the class has been so applicable in today's times. "If you start from a place of agreement, no matter who you are, there's one thing that each party agrees on, right?" she says. "If we can start from there and give each other the benefit of the doubt that each side, each person, wants positivity for humanity."

She further explains that finding commonality helps people feel empathy. "If you give each other the benefit of the doubt and start with what you have in common, I think that's the only way we can get out of this mess we're in," she says.

Harvard's Katie Shonk writes about the importance of these skills. As part of the Harvard Law School Program on Negotiation, she writes in "The Top 10 Negotiating Skills You Must Learn to Succeed" that "the most effective bargainers are skilled at both creating value and claiming value—that is, they both collaborate and compete."

One tactic is to "build rapport," which echoes Chastain's views on finding something in common with whomever you're speaking with. Shonk shares, "You and your counterpart may be more collaborative and likely to reach an agreement if you spend even just a few minutes trying to get to know each other."

negotiations, communication, conflict resolution, Jessica Chastain A GIF from Surprised Seasons Giphy PBS

Another is "active listening." Again, this is recognizing the humanity in the other party, which can lead to compassion and positivity.

"Once you start discussing substance, resist the common urge to think about what you’re going to say next while your counterpart is talking," Shonk writes. "Instead, listen carefully to her arguments, then paraphrase what you believe she said to check your understanding. Acknowledge any difficult feelings, like frustration, behind the message. Not only are you likely to acquire valuable information, but the other party may mimic your exemplary listening skills."

In Psychology Today's "The Advantages of Open-Minded Negotiation," Kimberly Key writes, "Research shows that having an open mindset and facilitating trust while embracing genuine interest in the other person’s point of view works best. For instance, an open mindset results in listening and increased empathy, which, in turn, help to bring a person’s defensive wall down. When trust is established, muscles relax, and people can be engaged and more present with each other."

-Biggest predictor of how well a negotiation will go. www.youtube.com, Harvard Business Review

Negotiating, as is often traditionally thought of, is not a war. "The negotiation-as-a-fight mentality gets reinforced through cultural conditioning and biased training," Key writes.

Instead, as Chastain also eloquently suggests, come from a place of kindly relating to the other person.

"Positively relating to someone—even just an exchanged smile with a stranger—has been shown to decrease stress chemicals while increasing feel-good neurochemicals and immune factors," Key writes.

From Your Site Articles
jessica chastain
CelebrityPop Culture
Family

Neuropsychologist shares the one sentence boys need to hear (over and over again)

This inoculates them against the negative messages they may be receiving from other boys.

via Canva/Photos

A young boy withdrawn from is mother.

There are countless reasons why having the ability to talk about your feelings is great for your mental health. One of the big ones is that discussing feelings helps us understand them better. It also prevents us from bottling up our emotions, which can lead to anxiety, depression, and unplanned emotional outburts, which can be incredibly destructive.

The problem is that at a young age, boys are told to bottle up their emotions, and they are frequently told that “boys don’t cry” or that they should “take it like a man” when they become upset. When men are faced with tremendous grief, such as the death of a friend or family member, they feel that they must “be strong” and show a brave face even though they might be dying inside. This can prevent them from ever completely coming to grips with their loss.

Male emotional repression is widespread, and every time a young boy is taught not to cry or talk about his feelings because it’s “girly,” we are creating mental health problems in real time. It also directly teaches the child how to emotionally withdraw from others and encourages them to develop unhealthy coping mechanisms.

emotions, psychology, healthy emotionsA young boy sits with his feelings.via Canva/Photos


What's the number one thing that boys need to hear?

Dr. Sanam Hafeez, neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind, says that the most important sentence that parents need to tell their young sons, especially those in middle school, is: “Talking about your feelings is strong, not weak.”

"Talking about your feelings is strong, not weak."

Hafeez told PureWow the message needs to be shared consistently because “middle school boys often absorb societal messages that discourage emotional expression….[and] suppressing emotions can lead to stress, anxiety and difficulty forming healthy relationships.”

Another big reason boys should consistently be reminded to discuss their feelings is that they may not have many examples of healthy male emotional expression. Sure, they can see men fighting and shooting each other all day on TV, but how often do you see men being honest with their feelings?

“Men do not tell boys to talk about their feelings, and boys do not always see emotions demonstrated by men. Furthermore, they do not learn from men the benefits of emotional expression and how it makes them feel afterward,” Lisa Liggins-Chambers, Ph.D. writes at Psychology Today. Further, it’s also important to make boys aware of the peer pressure they may feel to repress their emotions and to bully other boys who express theirs. This can give them strength to push back against these unhealthy expectations.

From a parents’ perspective, it’s also essential to exhibit healthy listening skills so their child feels free to open up to them.

emotions, psychology, healthy emotionsA mother and child disuss his feelings.via Canva/Photos

How to listen when boys express their feelings

Here are five things to consider when your child discusses his feelings.

  1. Let them know that their emotions are valid.
  2. Give them your full attention by practicing active listening, and show your interest by asking questions.
  3. While they’re opening up, encourage them to consider the emotions of others as well.
  4. Normalize the idea that we all experience a range of emotions from happiness to sadness, anger to anxiety.
  5. Be an example. Model healthy emotional expression to provide a good example of how to manage feelings.

Ultimately, it is essential to understand that boys may be getting an unhealthy lesson about emotions from the kids at school or their family members. Parents tend to encourage their daughters to show their feelings naturally and should show the same consideration for their boys. By consistently reinforcing the idea that emotional expression is a strength, not a weakness, parents can help their sons develop emotional intelligence and resilience.

From Your Site Articles
parenting
FamilyParenting
Joy

Stop blaming the 'Karens.' The people who complain the most have a different name.

The stereotype has been wrong all along.

via Rickey123/Pixabay

A woman giving a stern warning.

Over the past few years, women named Karen have taken a lot of heat in the media. The term "Karen" has been used to describe a specific type of entitled, privileged and often middle-aged white woman. Typically, "Karen” is depicted as demanding, self-important and constantly seeking to escalate minor inconveniences to authority figures, like demanding to "speak to the manager."

Identifying the folks who create unnecessary drama in our world is important. But calling them a “Karen” isn’t the best way to solve the problem. There are many reasons to have an issue with the “Karen” stereotype. First, it’s terrible for people named Karen, and it’s also a connotation that many feel is racist, sexist and ageist.

Further, according to a new study by Trustpilot, the stereotype isn’t accurate. A recent survey by the online media site found that the people who leave the most one-star reviews aren’t female, and the women who do it the most aren’t named Karen.

Trustpilot is a site where people can review a business from which they’ve purchased a product or contacted customer service. According to TrustPilot, the number one biggest one-star reviewers are named John, not Karen.

“The name John is top for [one-star] reviews in the US, with the rest of the top five positions filled by David, Michael, Chris and James,” the site wrote in a press release. “Looking at specific categories, John is also first for negative reviews in Business Services, Electronics and Technology, Shopping and Fashion, and Money and Insurance. Meanwhile, Lisa left the most [one-star] reviews in our Beauty and Wellbeing category.”

So, if your name is Karen, keep this story in your back pocket next time someone stereotypes you as an entitled complainer. The real complainers are the Johns and, for the women, Lisas.

Why do people go online and write negative reviews? Psychologist William Berry writes in Psychology Today that people get many positive benefits from complaining, although they may annoy everyone around them.

The first big reason is an ego boost. When people complain, they feel validated. It also makes them feel superior to others. Complaining can also bring like-minded people together. If you and a significant other have ever been mistreated in a restaurant or car dealership, having a mutual enemy can work wonders for your relationship.

There are also entire groups of people who bond over a common gripe.

People who habitually complain may do so because of the brain’s negativity bias. “The human brain, geared for survival, focuses on negatives (as they appear more threatening to survival) than on positives (which enhance life but are less vital for survival),” Berry writes. “As the brain perceives negatives at an approximated ratio of five to one, there is simply more to complain about than there is to be grateful for. Additionally, this may lead to less general happiness.”

Here are the top 15 names of consumers who leave the most one-star reviews on Trustpilot. (Also known as the folks that owe the Karens out there an apology.)

1. John

2. David

3. Michael

4. Chris

5. James

6. Mike

7. Mark

8. Robert

9. Alex

10. Paul

11. Lisa

12. Sarah

13. Steve

14. Sam

15. Daniel


This article originally appeared two years ago.

From Your Site Articles
memes
JoyHumor
Health

Perceptive guy has a lightening-strike realization about why boys aren't raised to be men

We're emphasizing the wrong things.

via Canva/Photos

A man can't seem to understand his emotions.

A TikToker named Divunsolicited is catching a lot of attention for a video where he explains a big way that society is hurting both men and women by the way we are raising boys. “A harsh reality is most men are not taught to be men when they're growing up as boys,” Divunsolicited says. “They're just taught how not to be women.” The realization came after he heard his aunt tell his cousin not to do something because “that’s what girls do.”

First, telling a boy not to do something because girls do it, regardless of the behavior, is both denigrating to women and teaching children inappropriate gender stereotypes. It also begs a fundamental question: If I’m not supposed to do girly things? What’s the appropriate thing to do as a boy, who will one day be a man?

“You always hear, don't cry, that's what girls do. Oh, you throw like a girl. Oh, girls are emotional,” Divunsolicited continued. “Only girls do that. Oh, you. You care about what you look like. That's what girls do. Or you wash your face and use face lotion and. And use moisturizer. That's what girls do.”

@adivunsolicited

most boys are raised how not to be girls but never really taught how to be men, there's so much discovery and figuring out how to manage your emotions, how to express yourself and how to become a good man #blacktiktok #parentsoftiktok #millennial #raisingboys #explorer #fypシ゚viral

He goes on to make the point that because there is such a stigma for boys who behave in a feminine way, it leaves them emotionally stunted as men because they aren’t allowed to show their emotions. “So what happens is, I think men become these repressed adults that become irrationally emotional until they act out,” Divunsolicited says. "And that's when you get fist fights, that's when you get men punching the wall. That's when you get men crashing out.”

Psychologists agree that when men can't express their emotions in a healthy way, they experience a "covert depression" that manifests as apathy, boredom, cynicism, and a limited range of emotions.

How to teach positive masculine traits

So, what are some positive, positive masculine characteristics that we should be teaching young boys? A group of researchers created a framework for teaching school-age boys positive masculine traits, and they came up with these 3 ways to “be”:

Being connected — To the self and others, forming interpersonal relationships based on respect, open communication, and non-violence.
Being motivated — Intrinsic motivation to engage with and contribute effectively to society beyond social pressures.
Being authentic — Comfort in enacting commitment to one’s values. Capacity to adopt flexibility around the emotional restriction and stoicism in help-seeking.

fathers and sons, positive masculinty, soccerA father and son watching a soccer match. via Canva/Photos

“From this mindset, we have courage, confidence, and the flexibility to hear others and even learn that we might be wrong,” Nick Norman, LICSW, writes for Psychology Today. “Our worth is no longer on trial, constantly measured against a suffocating definition of manhood. Instead, we are grounded within ourselves and can approach the world from a place of integrity and compassion, both for others and ourselves.”

Divunsolicited understands that many men were taught the wrong way to express their feelings as children. Still, he believes that things are headed in the right direction because millennials are raising a generation of men who have a healthier connection to their emotions. “And I think the more men are able to have and express themselves the more they're impart that until their children,” he concludes the video.

From Your Site Articles
men
HealthMental Health
Trending Stories