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Conflict experts share the 1 phrase to stop an argument before things get out of control

Here's how to stop it before it starts.

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A woman skillfully stops an argument.

Has getting into a heated argument with your significant other, a coworker, or a child ever solved anything? Probably not. Heated arguments often lead people down the dark path of personal attacks, animosity, and getting so riled up that they stop making sense altogether. However, conflict is a natural and healthy part of our daily lives, so it can be very productive when we know how to have productive disagreements.

"If no one ever argues, you’re not likely to give up on old ways of doing things, let alone try new ones. Disagreement is the antidote to groupthink,” organizational psychologist Adam Grant said, according to Psychology Today. “We’re at our most imaginative when we’re out of sync." So the big question is, how do we prevent heated arguments from happening and steer them to more productive territory instead?

 conflict, arguments, disagreements, conflict management, psychology, Coworkers having an argument.via Canva/Photos

How to stop an argument from happening

A group of researchers at the University of Wisconsin found that it’s essential for people to create a safe environment for discussion, and the key to doing so is to ask open-ended questions that lead to points of agreement. Specifically, the researchers say to use “I” statements, such as “I feel frustrated” or “I feel concerned,” when expressing yourself during the disagreement. However, the most effective phrase is one that clearly directs the discussion toward agreement.

The best way to stop an argument is with the phrase: “I’d actually like to focus on all the things we agree on.”

 

 conflict, arguments, disagreements, conflict management, psychology, Coworkers come to an agreement.via Canva/Photos

 

There are 3 big reasons why the phrase is so effective at stopping arguments from happening. First, the phrase immediately changes the mindset of both people from the areas where they disagree to one of agreement. We are no longer arguing about why we like or don’t like pineapple on pizza. Instead, we’re not focusing on the toppings we enjoy, such as pepperoni or black olives. The person we disagree with is no longer an enemy but a collaborator.

Another big reason “I’d actually like to focus on all the things we agree on” is such an effective phrase because it extinguishes the other person’s anger. When we search for a way to agree, we suddenly become an unappealing target for the other person’s rage.

Finally, this phase makes you the good guy in the disagreement because you are looking for a positive solution. You’ve just taken a right turn onto the high road and have become the rational party in the conversation. This tactic is especially effective when a third party, such as a boss or sibling, is involved in the disagreement and wants to see who is acting in good faith. This will encourage the person you’re having a dispute with to be more cooperative to save face.

 conflict, arguments, disagreements, conflict management, psychology, Coworkers come to an agreement.via Canva/Photos

 


The key is to be genuine about seeking agreement and maintain a sincere tone when presenting your approach. Once the potential fight has been quelled, you can work together to reach the best possible agreement.

Using "I" statements also helps because we're avoiding using "you" statements. "Anyone who’s ever been in conflict with someone knows that hearing a you-statement is hearing yourself be blamed for something, identified as the problem. 'You never listen to me,' 'You’re always late,' 'Why are you so stubborn?' And even if you don’t know consciously that you're being blamed, your reflexive reaction of defensiveness tells you that you know it when you hear it," Gregg Levoy, author of "Vital Signs: The Nature and Nurture of Passion," writes in Psychology Today.

Learning how to prevent heated arguments can strengthen the relationship with the person you disagree with. Resolving a conflict together makes their relationship stronger and more enduring. So, a conflict can be a gift that you can use to skillfully bring yourself closer to someone. The key is to focus on the areas of agreement and to be sincere so you can resolve the issue together without leaving any lingering resentment.

This article originally appeared in January.

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Joy

Stop blaming the 'Karens.' The people who complain the most have a different name.

The stereotype has been wrong all along.

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A woman giving a stern warning.

Over the past few years, women named Karen have taken a lot of heat in the media. The term "Karen" has been used to describe a specific type of entitled, privileged and often middle-aged white woman. Typically, "Karen” is depicted as demanding, self-important and constantly seeking to escalate minor inconveniences to authority figures, like demanding to "speak to the manager."

Identifying the folks who create unnecessary drama in our world is important. But calling them a “Karen” isn’t the best way to solve the problem. There are many reasons to have an issue with the “Karen” stereotype. First, it’s terrible for people named Karen, and it’s also a connotation that many feel is racist, sexist and ageist.

Further, according to a new study by Trustpilot, the stereotype isn’t accurate. A recent survey by the online media site found that the people who leave the most one-star reviews aren’t female, and the women who do it the most aren’t named Karen.

Trustpilot is a site where people can review a business from which they’ve purchased a product or contacted customer service. According to TrustPilot, the number one biggest one-star reviewers are named John, not Karen.

“The name John is top for [one-star] reviews in the US, with the rest of the top five positions filled by David, Michael, Chris and James,” the site wrote in a press release. “Looking at specific categories, John is also first for negative reviews in Business Services, Electronics and Technology, Shopping and Fashion, and Money and Insurance. Meanwhile, Lisa left the most [one-star] reviews in our Beauty and Wellbeing category.”

So, if your name is Karen, keep this story in your back pocket next time someone stereotypes you as an entitled complainer. The real complainers are the Johns and, for the women, Lisas.

Why do people go online and write negative reviews? Psychologist William Berry writes in Psychology Today that people get many positive benefits from complaining, although they may annoy everyone around them.

The first big reason is an ego boost. When people complain, they feel validated. It also makes them feel superior to others. Complaining can also bring like-minded people together. If you and a significant other have ever been mistreated in a restaurant or car dealership, having a mutual enemy can work wonders for your relationship.

There are also entire groups of people who bond over a common gripe.

People who habitually complain may do so because of the brain’s negativity bias. “The human brain, geared for survival, focuses on negatives (as they appear more threatening to survival) than on positives (which enhance life but are less vital for survival),” Berry writes. “As the brain perceives negatives at an approximated ratio of five to one, there is simply more to complain about than there is to be grateful for. Additionally, this may lead to less general happiness.”

Here are the top 15 names of consumers who leave the most one-star reviews on Trustpilot. (Also known as the folks that owe the Karens out there an apology.)

1. John

2. David

3. Michael

4. Chris

5. James

6. Mike

7. Mark

8. Robert

9. Alex

10. Paul

11. Lisa

12. Sarah

13. Steve

14. Sam

15. Daniel


This article originally appeared two years ago.

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Perceptive guy has a lightening-strike realization about why boys aren't raised to be men

We're emphasizing the wrong things.

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A man can't seem to understand his emotions.

A TikToker named Divunsolicited is catching a lot of attention for a video where he explains a big way that society is hurting both men and women by the way we are raising boys. “A harsh reality is most men are not taught to be men when they're growing up as boys,” Divunsolicited says. “They're just taught how not to be women.” The realization came after he heard his aunt tell his cousin not to do something because “that’s what girls do.”

First, telling a boy not to do something because girls do it, regardless of the behavior, is both denigrating to women and teaching children inappropriate gender stereotypes. It also begs a fundamental question: If I’m not supposed to do girly things? What’s the appropriate thing to do as a boy, who will one day be a man?

“You always hear, don't cry, that's what girls do. Oh, you throw like a girl. Oh, girls are emotional,” Divunsolicited continued. “Only girls do that. Oh, you. You care about what you look like. That's what girls do. Or you wash your face and use face lotion and. And use moisturizer. That's what girls do.”

@adivunsolicited

most boys are raised how not to be girls but never really taught how to be men, there's so much discovery and figuring out how to manage your emotions, how to express yourself and how to become a good man #blacktiktok #parentsoftiktok #millennial #raisingboys #explorer #fypシ゚viral

He goes on to make the point that because there is such a stigma for boys who behave in a feminine way, it leaves them emotionally stunted as men because they aren’t allowed to show their emotions. “So what happens is, I think men become these repressed adults that become irrationally emotional until they act out,” Divunsolicited says. "And that's when you get fist fights, that's when you get men punching the wall. That's when you get men crashing out.”

Psychologists agree that when men can't express their emotions in a healthy way, they experience a "covert depression" that manifests as apathy, boredom, cynicism, and a limited range of emotions.

How to teach positive masculine traits

So, what are some positive, positive masculine characteristics that we should be teaching young boys? A group of researchers created a framework for teaching school-age boys positive masculine traits, and they came up with these 3 ways to “be”:

Being connected — To the self and others, forming interpersonal relationships based on respect, open communication, and non-violence.
Being motivated — Intrinsic motivation to engage with and contribute effectively to society beyond social pressures.
Being authentic — Comfort in enacting commitment to one’s values. Capacity to adopt flexibility around the emotional restriction and stoicism in help-seeking.

fathers and sons, positive masculinty, soccerA father and son watching a soccer match. via Canva/Photos

“From this mindset, we have courage, confidence, and the flexibility to hear others and even learn that we might be wrong,” Nick Norman, LICSW, writes for Psychology Today. “Our worth is no longer on trial, constantly measured against a suffocating definition of manhood. Instead, we are grounded within ourselves and can approach the world from a place of integrity and compassion, both for others and ourselves.”

Divunsolicited understands that many men were taught the wrong way to express their feelings as children. Still, he believes that things are headed in the right direction because millennials are raising a generation of men who have a healthier connection to their emotions. “And I think the more men are able to have and express themselves the more they're impart that until their children,” he concludes the video.

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Education

Teacher 'ready to quit' after being forced to deal with 'every feeling' her students have

“Maybe I'm getting too old for this modern bubble wrapping of kids emotions."

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A teacher can't handle another minute of dealing with her classroom.

In post-pandemic America, a majority of teachers believe that education is heading in the wrong direction. Among their greatest concerns are children's dependence on smartphones, a growing sense of entitlement among students and parents, low pay, and growing mental health behavioral problems among students.

These problems have made many teachers consider new professions. A 2023 poll of 1,200 teachers found that 40% of public school teachers have either seriously considered leaving the profession or are planning to do so by the end of the year. Nearly all said they understand why other teachers have quit.

A veteran teacher recently admitted she was ready to quit her job at a private high school. The problem is that the school has ceded power to its counselors, who have made their students’ feelings the top priority. This makes the classroom nearly impossible to manage.

teachers, teachers quit, educationA stressed math teacher.via Canva/Photos

“The counselors believe every student's feeling needs to be acknowledged,” the teacher wrote. “If a student is talking while the teacher is talking and a teacher tells them to stop they complain to their counselor that their teacher is picking on them. The counselor acknowledges their feelings as ‘real’ and repeatedly tells them their feelings are ok. That feelings are never wrong to have.”

“These kids are high school age and are smart enough to weaponize this power. They've already made me cry once this year and I had another teacher come to my room crying,” the teacher continued. “I'm thinking about quitting either soon or in December. Is this a new trend in education? I know kids and parents have changed, but I've never worked at a school where the counselors make it so much worse.”

“Maybe I'm getting too old for this modern bubble wrapping of kids emotions at the expense of others around them,” she concluded her post on Reddit’s Teacher’s forum.

The school counselors appear to be pushing an idea recently popular in psychology circles: feelings should always be honored and never questioned. Michael Karson, Ph.D., refers to this as the "Tyranny of Emotion" in Psychology Today. "Privileging emotion is like privileging one’s own hunger or lust, an essentially narcissistic approach to gratification that leaves others at the mercy of one’s whims. Instead of demanding compliance with our feelings, we ought to be learning how to manage them," he writes.

teachers, teachers quit, educationA super stressed teacher.via Canva/Photos

The teacher’s story rallied a lot of support for her, with fellow educators chiming in to explain the phenomenon she’s experiencing and share examples of how they’re handling it.

One of the teachers believes that the overwhelming focus on feelings will lead to real problems for students as they age.

"I really resent that teaching has been conflated with therapy. We are not trained to nurture the emotions of 30 children simultaneously, while also teaching them. I couldn't do it. I don't do it. … It sounds like instead of just 'acknowledging' feelings, there is some entitlement attached to having a feeling. That students and the councelling department have run with the idea that feelings are facts and need constant accommodation. It's not a helpful practice to amplify teenagers negative emotions and put them on a pedestal, to the point where they are aware of how to manipulate adults. Students need support... with professionals and family.

The repercussions of this bubble zone will manifest in negative ways throughout adulthood. Students will become entitled, defensive, righteous, self-involved, disappointed when faced with challenges where their feelings aren't valued.

Another teacher noted that the over-emphasis on feelings neglects other important parts of social-emotional learning (SEL).

"Uh no. SEL has 5 core competencies. The first is self-awareness. Yes, the students should have feelings and feelings are important. The second competency is self-management. Now that we've identified this feeling, how can we self-regulate so we can still be productive in class? It seems your counseling department only got 20% of the training on SEL? Lol."

Another commenter helped make sense of the situation by suggesting a practical way forward for the teacher.

“I would ask and email your admin about it. Tell them your situation and how its affecting instruction. If they have your back, there you go. If they don't, I'd quit.”

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