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Are you guilty of 'boomerasking'? Why this common conversation faux pas makes you less likeable

And no, it has nothing to do with boomers.

Photo credit: Canva

A hand coming through a blue wall holding a boomerang.

You might have never heard the term “boomerasking” until now, but you’ve almost certainly experienced it…and might have even done it yourself. And no, this has nothing to do with boomers asking why folks can’t pick themselves up by the bootstraps. In fact, this conversation faux pas can be committed by any age group.

Boomerasking is when someone asks a question, only to bring the focus back onto themselves, ala a boomerang.

Example: you ask “how was your day?” to a friend. Your friend responds, “fine, I got some deals at Costco,” and you reply, “well my day was great, I found $100 on the sidewalk, and someone complimented my new shoes!”

Essentially, you didn’t pose the question to really listen to your friend’s answer, but rather to talk about yourself. That’s boomerasking in a nutshell.

boomerasking, conversation tips, social skills, how to talk to people, psychological studyTwo people talking.Photo credit: Canva

But according to new research from the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, there’s a bit more to glean from this. For starters, researchers broke boomerasking down into three categories:

  • “Ask-bragging” - when someone asks a question only so that they can one-up the answerer and brag about themselves
  • “Ask-complaining” - when someone asks a question for the sole purpose of venting their story of a negative experience onto who they asked
  • “Ask-sharing” - when someone asks a question followed by sharing something neutral that probably only the asker finds interesting, i.e. weird dream

The study also found that most participants admitted they had both experienced boomerasking and had been guilty of it themselves, so it’s likely that we’ve all done our fair share of asking only to share a bit about ourselves.

@6girldadreviews Boomerasking? #boomerang #conversationalambush #dadjokes #conversation ♬ original sound - 6 Girl Dad Reviews


And granted, this impulse isn’t completely self-serving. Researchers noted that really, it’s simply the result of two conflicting natural human desires: one, to be responsive to others, and the other, to share individual experiences. They also shared that some participants thought prefacing a long conversation about themselves with a question posed to another person was the considerate way of making conversation feel more balanced, since it’s not entirely about them.

boomerasking, conversation tips, social skills, how to talk to people, psychological studymedia1.giphy.com

In all these cases, boomerasking backfires, and instead only makes the question asked seem insincere, according to the study. To combat this urge, researchers suggest two main things:

1. Ask questions that you are unable to answer yourself, which prevents the possibility of boomerasking, because you have nothing to contribute.

2 Use responsive listening techniques, with verbal cues like affirmation, validation, and repeating and/or reformulating what a partner has said. You can still ask questions, just make sure not to shift the focus away from the other person.

Healthy conversations, which are vital to us all, require a bit of give-and-take. Plus, appearing polite doesn’t have nearly as much weight as showing genuine interest in someone else. So the next time you find yourself wanting to share something, maybe just be clear about that. And if you do ask someone about their day, listen.

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Education

Teacher 'ready to quit' after being forced to deal with 'every feeling' her students have

“Maybe I'm getting too old for this modern bubble wrapping of kids emotions."

via Canva/Photos

A teacher can't handle another minute of dealing with her classroom.

In post-pandemic America, a majority of teachers believe that education is heading in the wrong direction. Among their greatest concerns are children's dependence on smartphones, a growing sense of entitlement among students and parents, low pay, and growing mental health behavioral problems among students.

These problems have made many teachers consider new professions. A 2023 poll of 1,200 teachers found that 40% of public school teachers have either seriously considered leaving the profession or are planning to do so by the end of the year. Nearly all said they understand why other teachers have quit.

A veteran teacher recently admitted she was ready to quit her job at a private high school. The problem is that the school has ceded power to its counselors, who have made their students’ feelings the top priority. This makes the classroom nearly impossible to manage.

teachers, teachers quit, educationA stressed math teacher.via Canva/Photos

“The counselors believe every student's feeling needs to be acknowledged,” the teacher wrote. “If a student is talking while the teacher is talking and a teacher tells them to stop they complain to their counselor that their teacher is picking on them. The counselor acknowledges their feelings as ‘real’ and repeatedly tells them their feelings are ok. That feelings are never wrong to have.”

“These kids are high school age and are smart enough to weaponize this power. They've already made me cry once this year and I had another teacher come to my room crying,” the teacher continued. “I'm thinking about quitting either soon or in December. Is this a new trend in education? I know kids and parents have changed, but I've never worked at a school where the counselors make it so much worse.”

“Maybe I'm getting too old for this modern bubble wrapping of kids emotions at the expense of others around them,” she concluded her post on Reddit’s Teacher’s forum.

The school counselors appear to be pushing an idea recently popular in psychology circles: feelings should always be honored and never questioned. Michael Karson, Ph.D., refers to this as the "Tyranny of Emotion" in Psychology Today. "Privileging emotion is like privileging one’s own hunger or lust, an essentially narcissistic approach to gratification that leaves others at the mercy of one’s whims. Instead of demanding compliance with our feelings, we ought to be learning how to manage them," he writes.

teachers, teachers quit, educationA super stressed teacher.via Canva/Photos

The teacher’s story rallied a lot of support for her, with fellow educators chiming in to explain the phenomenon she’s experiencing and share examples of how they’re handling it.

One of the teachers believes that the overwhelming focus on feelings will lead to real problems for students as they age.

"I really resent that teaching has been conflated with therapy. We are not trained to nurture the emotions of 30 children simultaneously, while also teaching them. I couldn't do it. I don't do it. … It sounds like instead of just 'acknowledging' feelings, there is some entitlement attached to having a feeling. That students and the councelling department have run with the idea that feelings are facts and need constant accommodation. It's not a helpful practice to amplify teenagers negative emotions and put them on a pedestal, to the point where they are aware of how to manipulate adults. Students need support... with professionals and family.

The repercussions of this bubble zone will manifest in negative ways throughout adulthood. Students will become entitled, defensive, righteous, self-involved, disappointed when faced with challenges where their feelings aren't valued.

Another teacher noted that the over-emphasis on feelings neglects other important parts of social-emotional learning (SEL).

"Uh no. SEL has 5 core competencies. The first is self-awareness. Yes, the students should have feelings and feelings are important. The second competency is self-management. Now that we've identified this feeling, how can we self-regulate so we can still be productive in class? It seems your counseling department only got 20% of the training on SEL? Lol."

Another commenter helped make sense of the situation by suggesting a practical way forward for the teacher.

“I would ask and email your admin about it. Tell them your situation and how its affecting instruction. If they have your back, there you go. If they don't, I'd quit.”

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Health

Experienced psychologist says this overlooked trait is 'essential' when making small talk

It'll make people think you're captivating.

via Canva/Photos

Some folks chit-chatting at a party.

Making small talk with someone you don’t know very well can cause a lot of anxiety. What if you get stuck in a boring conversation about the weather? What if the conversation loses momentum and you both stand there silently? What if the person thinks that you’re boring?

Psychologist Jennice Vilhauer, Ph. D., has some great advice to make you feel better equipped to talk with a stranger at a party or on a first date. The big takeaway is that people will find you interesting, not necessarily because of what you say but how you make them feel. Vilhauer says that curiosity is one of the most vital conversation skills most people don’t consider.

Vilahuer is the developer of Future Directed Therapy (FDT) and author of the best-selling “Think Forward to Thrive: How to Use the Mind's Power of Anticipation to Transcend Your Past and Transform Your Life.”



What’s the best way to make small talk?

“One of the most underrated skills that can transform your dating life is curiosity,” Vilhauer writes in Psychology Today. “Not only does curiosity provide you with important information and make you a better conversationalist, but it also signals interest, openness and emotional intelligence—qualities that create deeper relationships.”

The funny thing is that, according to Vilhauer, most people aren’t taking advantage of this conversation superpower.

“It is surprising how many people report going on dates where the other person only talks about themself,” Vilhauer continues. “The talker might be having a great time because they enjoy being listened to. The other person, however, feels like the talker is disinterested, and he/she is probably quickly losing interest, too. Dating someone who doesn’t ask questions can feel like talking to a wall. Everyone, no matter who they are, has a story and wants to be understood.”



The key to being curious in a conversation is to ask plenty of open-ended questions that encourage the person to give a detailed response. If you’re talking to someone and they say, “I was born in Omaha, Nebraska.” Don’t counter with, “Great, I was born in Milwaukee.” The best thing to say is, “That’s cool. What did you like about Omaha?” or “Do you miss living in the Midwest?”

Here are some examples of open-ended questions that make you appear courteous.

“How did that make you feel?”

“What are they like?” (When they bring up a person from their life.)

“What’s your favorite memory of (thing from the past they discussed)?”

“What did you do next?”

If you show that you are genuinely curious, the person you’re talking to will take a shine to you because people enjoy sharing about themselves. They’ll also appreciate that you took the time to get to know them. Even if they spoke most of the conversation, they’d go home thinking, “Wow. They were really interesting.”

How much should I talk in a conversation?

This advice comes with a caveat. You shouldn’t be listening 100% of the time. Studies show that the best ratio for talking to listening is 43 to 57, so you let the other person do most of the speaking, but be sure to share about yourself as well.

Being curious in conversations isn't just about making the other person feel good. It also gives the conversation a greater chance to move from surface-level details, such as basic biographical information or what they do for a living, into the world of specific experiences, ideas and perspectives.

Curiosity can take your small talk and elevate to medium talk and even deep conversation.


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Joy

Free yourself from worrying about things you can't control with the help of a simple image

"Rewiring your thinking this way can be, well, almost magic." — Dr. Solomon

via Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels and Darius Bashar/Unsplash

A woman worrying about the world and a woman who feels liberated.

In a world of 8 billion people, a septillion stars, and 17 different ways to stub your toe while walking through your bedroom, there are infinite things that we can all spend our time and emotional energy worrying about. The problem is that many important things, whether it’s politics, the environment, or the economy, are realistically beyond our control.

Yes, we can vote, make sound choices with our money, and recycle, but our actions will have little effect on these issues no matter how much energy we spend worrying about them.

So what do we do? From the ancient Stoics to modern-day psychologists, great thinkers believe that if we refocus on what we can control or influence, we’ll be much happier and empowered to make real changes in the world.

What is the Circle of Influence?

The theory is known as the circle of influence and it can be explained with a simple graphic with 3 circles:

via The Open University Creative Commons

Circle of control:

“There are actually very few things we control. We control what we do with our bodies (hopefully); how we act, what we think (easier said than done, I know), and how we react to events or people (again, not necessarily easy, but doable!),” Diane N. Solomon Ph.D., The Narrative Nurse Practitioner writes at Psychology Today. “Pretty much everything else lies outside our circle of control. No matter how hard we try, we won’t be able to control those things.”

The ancient Stoics defined this area as our “opinion, motivation, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever is of our own doing.”

This is where we should focus the vast majority of our attention because our energies are best used helping ourselves, our families, friends and those in our community. In many ways, that makes more sense than spending our time and energy hoping that someone in Washington will do the right thing or that people in a country across the globe will reduce their carbon emissions.



Circle of influence:

“What’s in our circle of influence? Maybe what the teacher or principal does after our child gets called out for sprinkling glitter on the seat of the teacher’s chair—or maybe not. We influence our communities or even our state by volunteering for a neighborhood watch or committee, writing letters to the editor, protesting for cleaner water, human rights, or acting on any passion of ours,” Dr. Solomon continues.

But, in most circumstances, our influence over these areas is minor and they are definitely beyond our control. So we should spend less time worrying about areas of influence than those within our circle of control.



Circle of concern:

This is an area that we focus on at our own peril. When we spend time on things we have no influence or control over, we squander a lot of our precious resources, one of the biggest being time. Because we can’t control these things, they make us feel more anxious than the things we have power over. “Most people spend a lot of time focused on things in their circle of concern,” Dr. Solomon writes. “If that’s you, the more time and energy you spend worrying about your circle of concern, the worse you probably feel, because it's almost totally outside your control.”

She says the most important thing to do when we're feeling anxious is to ask ourselves, “Am I thinking of things in my circle of concern?” If so, it’s time to refocus our attention.



Focusing only on the things we control may make us feel like we're neglecting important problems that need our attention. Can a good person go through life without worrying about wars overseas, the plastic island in the ocean the size of Texas, or women’s rights in Afghanistan?

William B. Irvine, a philosophy professor and author of “A Guide to the Good Life,” says it’s more about being honest with ourselves about where we can be helpful. “The circle of control is not a prescription for detachment or indifference. It is a way of focusing our attention and energy on what really matters, so that we can live more fully and authentically,” Irvine writes.

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