'Perfectionist' woman shares the realization that ended her obsession to have a spotless home
The advice is very counter-intuitive.
A woman has anxiety over her home.
There is a lot of external pressure for people to project an image of perfection these days. There are Instagram influencers whose job is to pretend they live in a perfect house with beautifully behaved children and a spouse who looks great in every photograph. Many also feel pressured to present a curated image of their families when posting to Facebook or Instagram.
Some also an internal pressure to be perfect that comes from being raised with unhealthy and unrealistic expectations. Punthea Van Terheyden, a writer for Better Homes and Gardens, was consumed by her desire for the perfect home and obsessed with tidying and decluttering. But she was relieved of this insatiable drive after hearing life-changing advice from Dr. Meg Arroll.
Dr. Aroll is a psychologist and the author of “Tiny Traumas: When You Don’t Know What’s Wrong But Nothing Feels Right.”
Many think keeping a clean and organized home makes their lives easier. However, when this is driven by perfectionism, it can make people more anxious than if they left the occasional crumb on the kitchen island or had a pile of laundry in the living room. “Perfectionism doesn't make life perfect. It leads to anxiety, low-mood burnout syndrome, and a reduced quality of life,” Dr. Arroll says, according to Better Homes and Gardens. The realization is strangely paradoxical. A cluttered home makes us anxious, but having a perfectly tidy house can, too.
The psychologist adds that perfectionists should examine the causes of their behavior because it may be driven by childhood trauma. “It's important to uncover the psychological drivers of housekeeping perfectionism, such as growing up in a home where there was criticism rather than positive feedback, conditional instead of unconditional love, as well as unrealistic societal norms,” she said.
Dr. Arroll believes the best way for perfectionists to recover from unhealthy habits is to reframe how they approach household chores or entertaining friends and family. She says we should trade perfectionism for a more positive trait: excellence.
What's the difference between perfectionism and excellence?
Their motivations are different. “Perfectionism is often driven by fear of failure, a desire for approval, or an obsession with flawless outcomes. It’s rooted in avoiding mistakes rather than pursuing growth,” Dr. Arroll writes in a Facebook post. “Excellence, on the other hand, is motivated by a desire to achieve one’s personal best, to continuously improve, and to deliver high-quality work. It’s about striving for the highest standards while embracing the learning process.”
The outlooks also foster different attitudes towards growth. Perfectionism focuses on the pursuit of the unattainable. Excellence embraces progress over perfection and instills a growth mindset that is ultimately more resilient.
Sometimes, the best advice we can hear is counterintuitive because it challenges how we see the world, opening us up to real change. Dr. Arroll gives perfectionists some good food for thought by sharing the hard truth that pushing for unobtainable goals can cause us more pain than perfection solves. Ultimately, happiness comes when we stop competing against people pretending to be perfect in the external world or trying to please those we couldn’t in our youth. Instead, we take on the challenge of becoming the best version of ourselves.
