parrots

The list in question, which relies heavily on all caps and a healthy sprinkling of emojis, begins with a plea.

“First and foremost, my grands and greats ride in this vehicle! Be considerate of that! I have family and I’m raising a great that needs me! Be sure I get home safe to her! And my family! I don’t carry money or real jewels! If you carjack me < wreck it good! I want a new one!”

It's pretty understandable and relatable so far. She has responsibilities!

Granny's rules for the Lyft
byu/joyisnotdead infunny

Things begin to go lovably off the rails in the second rule.

“Do not touch or cuss around my parrot! I will put you out! I don’t teach your kids and I don’t teach your kids to cuss, don’t teach mine!”

Whoa whoa whoa, a parrot?

While it’s possible she is referring to her “grands” or “greats” as parrots since kids love to repeat what they hear, many commenters are taking her at her word. “Why does she have a parrot in an Uber? That does not seem like a good environment for a bird. Nor does it seem like a good environment for the passengers who want to go places and didn't order a bird sanctuary on wheels” writes Vendeta44.

Apparently, should you drive for Uber and want to bring your bird on board, it is allowed. According to Uber’s “Feedback about the driver or vehicle” section: “Since all drivers who use the Uber app are independent contractors, they are allowed to travel with a pet or service animal in their vehicle.”

Her next rule is pretty straightforward and colorful. “No smoking, vaping, smoking pot or snorting/smoking dope!> This isn’t your hookah room! Or trap house!”

Trap house? According to Dictionary.com, it’s “a place where illegal drugs are sold” and according to Urban Dictionary it was “originally used to describe a crack house in a shady neighborhood.” Interestingly, the “trap” in trap music takes the same root.

Okay, fine, no teaching her parrot any bad words, no vaping, but what if you just want to spend the time headed to your destination putting the finishing touches on your lewk? If you’re of a certain age you may remember an ad that appeared heavily in women’s magazines in the 1980s for a cordless butane-powered curling iron. In it, a woman was stepping out of a car, curling iron in hand, having just styled her magnificent coif on the go.

Grandma would NOT be okay with this.

“No spraying perfume, doing your hair and makeup. (I don’t want your hair all over the place and other customers don’t want to get into your hair all over them). Spraying hair spray or cologne> This isn’t your bathroom!” To be fair, perfume and cologne have immense staying power.

The next rule is one that you wish didn’t need to be said but according to the comments, does need to be said: “No sex or making out. This isn’t your hooker room/hotel room.”

Fair.

The last rule concerns a common activity that vexes rideshare drivers everywhere: Eating and drinking.

“No eating or drinking in my car! I provide water for your convenience! This isn’t your diner!”

Most of the commenters agreed with the spirit of the list while decrying the need to state things they feel should go without saying. This was especially true in the Lyft Drivers subreddit, where it was crossposted. “[…] It’s called common courtesy, but we apparently have to remind people it’s a thing,” writes Potatersauce.

The story is an excellent reminder that when we’re sharing space, our behavior impacts those around us, whether it be our kids, our drivers or their parrots.