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Parenting coach says to throw your instincts out the window when dealing with an upset teen

It's time to use a new playbook when they become teenagers.

via Canva

A mother and teen daughter just aren't on the same page.

When a friend or coworker comes to us with a problem, it’s not hard to lend an ear and listen to them without judgment. Sometimes, adults just need to vent or talk about their problems to understand them better. However, as a parent, it can be challenging to sit and listen without trying to fix the problem or share some advice.

Jenny Hwang of Project Parent Coach says that when parents are dealing with an upset teenager, one of the best things you can do is sit and listen without judgment or sharing any unnecessary advice. Jenny Hwang, PhD, is a clinical psychologist licensed in New York State who coaches the parents of teens and young adults who are popular on social media with parents who need help raising teenagers.

Hwang starts her video by explaining that it's normal and healthy for your teen to feel stressed out. “Because your teen is doing what teens are supposed to be doing, which is wrestling with the fact that they're moving into a world that, while is full of lots of gratifying, also comes with tremendous responsibility and lots of uncertainty,” she says.

@projectparent
🤫 What’s not said is as important as what’s said when it comes to connecting with our teens. ‼️Parents often make the mistake of assuming that parenting means doing, improving, speaking, saying something - the ultimate “if you see something, say something” situation. 💥This backfires for many parents in the form of the teen behaving in a way that feels dismissive, disrespectful, and even more withdrawn. 💡Parents can regulate their emotions- that urgency to do or say because otherwise you feel like you’d be failing - and remember that your choice to not say something says a lot to our teens. ✅Silence isn’t just you not saying something. ✅It’s you choosing to hold your comments for the moment in the name of making space for your teen. ✅It’s deliberate. ✅And no, parents don’t get much credit for it. ✅What you’ll find over time is that if you make room for a little silence - ask one less question and just be - your teen will be more inclined to stay present with you. ✅It’s not about extremes - it’s not about never saying anything. It’s also not about saying everything. ✅Just remember our choice to not speak especially when we could is often experienced by our teens as grace. ✅It builds trust. 💡💡So, don’t forget to incorporate it into your other approaches with your teen! SHARE if you found this helpful!! #ParentingTeens #TeenBoundaries #ParentingTips #ConsciousParenting #ParentingWisdom #fyp #foryoupage #GentleParenting

How to comfort an upset teenager

Hwang’s prescription for parents who want to help their distressed teens is to fight their instinct to solve the problem. Hwang says we need to find the power to be silent. “Your most surefire way of creating space for your teen is to stop talking if your teen is dissatisfied,” Hwang says. "Don't take their dissatisfaction personally. Give yourself at least one time where, in the face of your teen's dissatisfaction, when you normally would be scrambling to try to make something better or to try to talk them out of how miserable they are, just let it be. Just let it be and watch how uncomfortable it's gonna feel.”

The parent coach says the teen years are a time to reevaluate how we react to things as parents. “Because this is how conditioned we are to feel like parenting equals doing. Parenting equals talking, parenting equals guiding,” Hwang says. “All of these things. But there is important parenting that happens in silence.”

upset teen, parenting teens, jenny hwang A mother listening to her teenage daughter.via Canva

"How do you always know what’s happening in my house? I struggle with this so much, but I’ve been trying more, and it’s actually been good. So uncomfortable, but good," Jane wrote in the comments. "I always tell my husband that sometimes we just need to listen to our son and validate his feelings. It's not our job to solve all of his problems," KG added.

How to listen to your teenager

The key to truly listening to your teen without lecturing, giving advice, or passing judgment is to understand the power you give them by listening. Barbara and John Frazier at The Successful Parent blog describes it perfectly. “When you can hear your child’s pain or suffering and hold it for her while she talks about it, you are lending her your strength. The message you send is ‘I can stand these feelings, and they won’t destroy me,’ which tells her, ‘You can stand them too, and they won’t destroy you either.’”

Sometimes, all a teen needs to get through a situation is the strength to do what they think is right or to make it through a trying, exhausting situation. By listening, you can reassure your teenager that they are worth being heard and that their experiences and feelings are valid. Now, after you have listened and empathized and are on the same page, you may ask, “Would you like me to help you figure this out?” And if the answer is no, that’s fine; it means you’ve already done your job.

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Parents with teens can't help but relate to mom's heartbreaking video about 'summer guilt'

It's a special kind of grief almost all parents experience at some point.

@cyndygdub/TikTok

Lots of parents felt this way, without having a name for it.

When you have kids, summers are a flurry of activities. Going to amusement parks and zoos, playing outside, eating ice cream—lots and lots of ice cream.

And then, the preteen years hit and all that changes. Suddenly a kid’s interest shifts. They spend less time hanging with the fam and more hanging with friends, or alone. Though this transition is natural, it can still be painful for parents and make them feel like they’re not doing enough to evoke that same kind of magic the season once held.

As Cyndy Gatewood’s three children have all entered teen and preteen chapters, she began to feel this particular kind of pain, which she called “summer guilt.”

In a now-viral TikTok, Gatewood described summer guilt as "the guilt that comes when you have teens and preteens during the summer, and you're home with them, but they're too old to go to a playground everyday … and now they just want to be in their rooms. And it's like, should I be doing something? Should I be taking them somewhere everyday? But when I ask them … they don't want to."

“I still have that constant guilt that I’m not doing enough. That their summer’s being wasted,” she says, and these feelings only get exacerbated when she sees other families with younger kids enjoying themselves on social media.

Though she knows that this shame is something she’s putting on herself, Gatewood still asked if there were other parents out there who would relate. And boy, could they.

Watch on TikTok

“The teen transition is so hard. It’s hard to bring them joy now, used to be so easy,” one parent lamented.

Another wrote, “My heart broke when my son stopped wanting to go explore the new parks.”

A few folks chimed in to reassure that just because teens preferred to be in their room, it didn’t have to mean that summer was wasted. In fact, that solitude could also contain some pretty wonderful memories.

“I still remember so clearly being a teenager and my favorite thing in the world was being in my room on my own doing my own thing. Don’t feel guilty, it’s healthy to spend time on your own. They don’t need to be busy, to be doing something every moment of every day,” one person wrote.

Another added, “...then I remember my own teenage years, and I know how peaceful I was in my room. I had my first Walkman, listened to music, translated the lyrics, read books. It didn’t feel like a waste of summer.”

Many reflected that perhaps the root emotion Gatewood was feeling wasn’t guilt, but grief. As one person put it, “It’s more like grieving a life that you no longer have which you recall was the best time of your life. And it’s nothing you did wrong and nothing you can do to preserve it.”

By opening up about her feelings, Gatewood told Good Morning America that countless people have commented to thank her for putting this very relatable situation into tangible words.

"It makes me emotional, because it really is such a beautiful thing when we can open up about our struggles, especially as parents, and find out that we're not alone in these feelings,” she shared.

And since sharing her video, Gatewood has seemed to take on a more nuanced perspective on this new parenting chapter.

"It's a beautiful thing to watch your kids grow up. But we have to evolve with that. And that's what I'm learning right now.”

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Why some parents' misunderstanding of 'soiling the nest' could be excusing unacceptable behavior

Late teen years can be hard, but some parents are excusing extreme bad behavior as a developmental stage.

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Misunderstanding 'soiling the nest' could be excusing bad behaviors.

If you have older teens and frequent mom groups, you've probably heard of the term "soiling the nest." Sure, there may be plenty of parents who don't know the term, but as someone who belongs to a few social media groups geared toward parents of teens and young adults, I can assure you a lot of parents know it and are misusing it to explain some really poor behaviors.

So what is "soiling the nest"? It's a term used in psychology and child development that encompasses the stage between the last few months of high school and heading off to college. Teens tend to become moodier, more distant and quite frankly, they get on your nerves.

Lots of big life changes are coming up, so they're stressed, nervous and overwhelmed about leaving home. To make the transition a bit easier, they start pushing away from their family unit so as to not miss them as much.

During this stage, it seems like those early teen "I know everything" attitudes return along with those puberty-related mood swings. But it's not a second puberty; it's simply an uncomfortable stage that kids about to head out the door of childhood go through.

Except, not all behaviors indicate soiling the nest. I've seen this term misused both as a licensed therapist and as a mom of teens and a young adult. It can be hard not to chime in every time I observe well-meaning parents explaining away someone else's child's disrespectful and sometimes dangerous behavior.

Behaviors like cussing parents out, extreme anger outbursts, not coming home at night or blocking your phone calls are not really soiling the nest behaviors. Suddenly using drugs, drinking excessively and being verbally or physically abusive are also not behaviors that are "normal," though time and time again, they're being dismissed as this psychological term and parents are being told to let some of these concerning behaviors slide.

But if the behaviors that are being lumped into this developmental stage aren't soiling the nest, then how did it get misunderstood? It comes back to "therapy speak" being popularized by social media and it being used incorrectly repeatedly, which in this case, may have some parents missing mental health concerns. Or at the very least, accepting unacceptable behavior which will, in turn, encourage their own children to treat them poorly.

House rules and respectful behavior don't simply go out the window when a child is preparing to leave for college. Things like teens spending more time with friends and trying to push their curfew, or parents noticing that it's 10 p.m. and their teen still hasn't fed the cats, but when reminded they respond with, "I know. I was going to, you don't have to remind me"? Those scenarios are soiling the nest. Late teens can be sassy, moody, and hang out until they're within 30 seconds of their curfew every day. They suddenly know everything they need to know about college, life and being an adult and roll their eyes any time you try to impart wisdom.

Soiling the nest is absolutely a normal developmental stage, but behaviors that swing to the extreme end of the spectrum aren't.

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Pediatrician is changing the way we think about teens with 'lighthouse parenting' tips

Dr. Ken Ginsburg’s advice for parents is like a hug, TED talk and Masterclass rolled into one.

Photo by Josh Hild on Unsplash

'Lighthouse parenting' can help make raising teens less rocky.

As a parent of teens, I often wonder: Why didn’t anyone tell me it would be like this? I don’t mean the warnings and complaints about how challenging the teen years are. I don’t mean all of the “just you wait” admonitions. I don’t mean the cliches and memes. What I want to know is why no one told me how awesome raising teens can be.

Don’t get me wrong, raising teens is not without its challenges. But for the most part, the teen years are portrayed as something to survive, not something to enjoy—and Dr. Ken Ginsburg is on a mission to change that.

A pediatrician specializing in adolescent medicine, a professor of pediatrics at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, and co-founder and director of programs at the Center for Parent and Teen Communication, Dr. Ginsburg has focused his career on changing how we think about, treat and raise teenagers.

His message of optimism is a welcome respite from the constant doomsday messages we hear about teenagers. The cliches, warnings and complaints about teens start early and continue often. Parents need to vent—and there is a lot to vent about—but the narratives we tell about teens are so one-sided and predominantly negative that I’ve been legit shocked at how fulfilling, rewarding and—dare I say—fun raising teens can be. Why didn’t anyone tell me about this?

Ginsburg told Upworthy he suspects that part of the reason for the success of his latest book—"Congrats, You’re Having a Teen"—is that people are hungry for a book about teens that doesn’t focus on survival.

Raising teens isn’t all sunshine and roses. It is nerve-wracking, terrifying and emotional. But Ginsburg has made it his life’s work to dispel common myths about teens. Some key culprits: the misconception that teens don’t care what their parents think, that teens are inherently risk-prone and that teens don’t act rationally. To counteract the damaging impact of these myths, Dr. Ginsburg promotes “lighthouse parenting.”

“Parents,” Dr. Ginsburg advises, “you should be like a lighthouse for your child—a stable force on the shoreline from which they should measure themselves against. You should look down at the rocks and make sure they don’t crash against them. Look into the waves and trust that they will learn to ride them, and it’s your job to prepare them to do so.”

Unlike other talked-about parenting styles, like helicopter parenting and free-range parenting, lighthouse parenting—or balanced parenting—is grounded in science. Decades of research shows that not only does lighthouse parenting yield better academic, social, mental/emotional health and behavior outcomes, but (perhaps most importantly) it also leads to better relationships between parents and their children.

How do we tell the difference between rocks and waves? Is graduating from high school a rock or a wave? What about getting into college? Is underage drinking a choppy wave or a sharp rock?

Ginsburg explains it like this: Waves are challenges that you can ride through with the right skill sets, but rocks are dangers you might not survive no matter how prepared you are. Didn’t study for an important test? A wave. Getting in the car with a driver who has been drinking? A rock, definitely a rock.

I’ll be honest, in today’s increasingly high-stakes and ultra-competitive world of college admissions, travel sports and prestigious schools, it can be hard to know when to step in and when to let your child lead the way—especially when you know a wave might crash on top of them, leaving them gasping for air. But Ginsburg has a navigational tool for that too: think about the 35-year-old you’re raising.

When we look at success narrowly in terms of accomplishments, Ginsburg says we’re focusing on what our children are doing rather than who they are being and becoming. But when parents shift their focus onto the 35-year-old version of their teen, we look at success very differently with a focus on who they really are.

“The starting point is to know your child,” he says. “For a child to be ultimately successful, it has to be success that matches who they really are, not your vision of who they might become.”

Another mind-blowing piece of advice? Raise teens for their second job, not their first. Their first job might be influenced by accomplishments like good grades and high SAT scores, but their second job is when character traits like compassion and perseverance have a chance to shine.

Being a lighthouse, raising the 35-year-old and preparing them for their second job can be easier said than done, especially when a teen is slamming a door in your face or telling you (once again) that you don’t know what you’re talking about. But our teens aren’t pushing us away, Ginsburg says, they are simply struggling with their own growing independence.

The frustration is real, he acknowledges, but it is rooted in misunderstandings about teen development. Research shows that young people actually do care deeply about what their parents think, and they want to have good relationships with their parents.

So stay calm, be the lighthouse, ride the waves.

“The most protective thing in a young person’s life is to be known, seen, and valued just as you are, with all of your strengths and all of your limitations,” he told Upworthy. “When you know that the person who knows you the most, knows your character strengths and those areas in need of improvement—and that person continues to adore you, that gives you strength to launch into adulthood truly secure in who you are. That’s what gives you the strength to navigate the waves of adolescence when other people are challenging who you are.”

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Ginsburg’s book was released in early October and he's been doing television interviews that are resonating with many people. I’ll admit, I was on the verge of tears for nearly our entire interview. His advice feels like a hug, a TED talk and a Masterclass on parenting all rolled into one. In the words of Sheinelle Jones, who interviewed him on TODAY, “This was a sermon.”

Amen.

From Your Site Articles

parenting teens

We have a small favor to ask of you

parenting teens

It's time to use a new playbook when they become teenagers.

How to comfort an upset teenager

How to listen to your teenager

It's a special kind of grief almost all parents experience at some point.

Late teen years can be hard, but some parents are excusing extreme bad behavior as a developmental stage.

Dr. Ken Ginsburg’s advice for parents is like a hug, TED talk and Masterclass rolled into one.