I've never been a big fan of arguing with my kids over common sense. The classic example is that kids, once they reach a certain age, never want to wear a coat no matter how cold it is outside. Some parents, knowing the correct decision, will force their kids to wear the coat. Others will carry it along, just in case their kids do decide they want it, and wave it around so other parents know they're not being irresponsible.
I've always thought a perfectly acceptable way to handle this is to let my kids experience the consequences of their own actions. Oh, you're cold now? Who could have possibly predicted that?! Finding out that not wearing a coat when it's cold outside feels bad is a pretty good way for them to make sure they learn how to make a better decision next time.
There are caveats, of course. You can never let your kids do anything dangerous or something that can't be fixed in some way. But in general, natural consequences are really a great way to learn — as opposed to parent-imposed consequences like timeouts, being grounded, yelling, etcetera.
It turns out there is a name for this parenting style, and it's all the rage on social media: It's called 'FAFO' Parenting.
You might know the acronym FAFO as "F Around and Find Out," and I think that sums up this approach perfectly.
FAFO Parenting emphasizes that kids should learn by experiencing the natural consequences of their actions, instead of punishments imposed by parents.
Punishments are often not an amazing way for kids to learn. They're usually completely unrelated to the actual lesson ("Eat your vegetables or go to your room") or they actually turn out to be harder on the parents than the kids (Ever try "No TV for the weekend"? Not a lot of fun, is it?). That's not to say that punishments have no place in parenting, but there's often a better way.
Natural consequences, on the other hand, are how adults learn — so it stands to reason that they can help kids learn, too. Natural consequences should be immediate and relatively low stakes. For example, if your child plays rough with a toy and breaks it, they no longer have that toy. Easy peasy!
On the other hand, if your kid is being mean to his friend, the natural consequence would be that eventually, that person won't be his friend anymore. That's a really tough lesson for a young kid to learn, and it could have lasting consequences. Plus it's also not immediate, it would build up over time, so it's not the best time for parents to avoid stepping in FAFO-style.
The natural consequence of playing with a lighter is that your kid might get burned. Again, not a good time for FAFO!
One viral video explains FAFO Parenting perfectly, along with giving a few examples.
“So I practice authoritative parenting, but within what I would consider a subgenre that I would call 'fuck around and find out' parenting, they fuck around, then they find out," says TikTok mom Janelle. "They get their natural consequences and get to figure out the way through them,”
“This weekend, I took my kid camping for the first time with the Cub Scouts, and we had a great time. But at one point it was raining pretty hard. It was raining all day. It was real wet, and the kids were all just playing around at the campsite, and my son decided he didn't want to wear his rain jacket anymore," she explains. "OK that's up to you, I'm not fighting my kid on a jacket unless temperatures are such that it could be dangerous with it. I did warn him like, OK but you're gonna get wet, just so you know, I'm not gonna get a new shirt out for you. You're gonna have to figure this one out yourself."
She says about 10 minutes later her son decided he didn't like being wet and wanted to go change.
"He got to decide for himself when he needed to go find a new shirt and stop playing and change. And we pretty much do that with everything that there's not a safety concern."
@hey.im.janelle Probably described by less uncouth parents as "learning from natural consequences," I've found that the #FAFO method helps kids learn much better than lectures do. #authoritativeparenting #parentsoftiktok #momsoftiktok
Parents are split on FAFO as a parenting style. It does foster independence and better decision making, but it comes with its downsides.
"I love this. This is what we do. My kids are confident and polite and thinkers! You're doing great!!!🥰," wrote on parent.
"We looove fafo parents. That’s how I was raised. That’s how my kids will be raised bc that’s how they listen and behave and learn," commented another.
Janelle's video is originally from 2022 but has more recently skyrocketed in views, racking up over 340,000 to date. But not all of those viewers were on board with the approach.
The downsides to FAFO parenting, or natural consequence parenting, are twofold:
First, it can be tricky to determine what is a reasonable natural consequence for your kid to experience and what's too harsh or dangerous. It's a tough line to draw in the moment. As a parent, you're supposed to teach them, but you're also supposed to protect them. Later in Janelle's video, she uses the example of her kids climbing too high in a tree — the consequence is that they have to figure out a way to get down safely. Sounds a little too risky for me, but maybe I'm just a worrier.
Second, natural consequences aren't always immediate. Especially in younger kids, it might be tough to connect consequences that come way later to the actions that caused them. If they skip a meal or snack, they might not be hungry for several hours. At that delayed point, the lesson may not land as well as you'd think.
There's also a risk that, if not done properly, FAFO can be construed by your child that you aren't concerned for their safety and well-being.
"Makes ur kid feel like u don’t actually care about them or what happens to them. My mom did that," one user wrote under the video.
Every parent has to draw their own line, and determine their own teaching style. Not matter what flavor or parenting you prefer, not every tool in your toolbox will work in every situation. Some scenarios lend themselves perfectly to FAFO and natural consequences. Others require a more protective style of teaching. Learning when and how to use technique properly is a frustrating and never-ending process. Welcome to parenting!
Child playing with blocks. Photo by