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Gen Xer asking about Boomers' 'emotional immaturity' taps a multi-generational parenting issue

“If we don’t ASK about it or TALK about it, the problem doesn’t exist!”

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People discuss what it's like growing up with emotionally immature parents.

Parenting styles change every generation. Gen X parents didn't have technology (i.e. Google) to rely on to raise their kids, while Millennial parents today are all about gentle parenting. While Boomers have come under fire for being absent parents and grandparents, a common gripe that people have about their parents from all generations is their lack of emotional maturity.

In a Reddit forum of Gen Xers, member @Architecturegirl opened the discussion about emotionally immature parents. She explains that after reading a book on adult children of emotionally immature parents, she noted that while many Boomer parents have been accused of being emotionally immature--it really had nothing to do with their generation. "I had never really thought of emotional immaturity - like an inability to admit mistakes or preferring mind-numbing, polite conversation to meaningful connection - might be a generational issue," she wrote.

Rather, being raised by emotionally immature parents is a common multi-generational parenting issue--and many people have opened up about what the realities of being raised by emotionally immature parents looked like. Plus, they shared how they are finding healing. These are their most relatable stories.

 mature, emotional maturity, emotionally immature, emotional immaturity, emotional intelligence This Country Comedy GIF by BBC Three  Giphy  

Stories

"In my house, the solution to any emotion-related problem (bullying, divorce, feeling disappointed, the fact that they sold my puppy during my birthday party so I 'wouldn’t notice,' and any/all lesser difficulties) was: 'if we don’t ASK about it or TALK about it, the problem doesn’t exist!' If got too big to be unnoticeable, the advice was something like, 'just ignore it,' and/or 'everything will be fine.' Or, the BLANK STARE: ie. 'I do not want to hear about this…we don’t talk about THAT…quit bothering me.'" —@Architecturegirl

"I had cancer and my mother told me she couldn’t talk about it because it was her biggest fear. Bugger my fears (I survived obviously and have been in remission for 25 years). Anything serious in my life she’ll just walk away as I’m talking or give a little laugh like she’s pretending to listen but has no idea of how wrong her reaction is to what I’m saying. It’s taken me 53 years but I’ve finally given up discussing anything of importance to me with her. They’re such a damaged (and damaging) generation." —@PuzzleheadedCat9986

"Among my friends and I who are Gen X it is a perfect 50-50 split between parents having emotional intelligence and those that don't. Two anecdotes: My wife's mother will still not say 'period' or 'sex.' They were 'the thing' (raised eyebrow) and the other thing (said in a disgusted tone). That was the sum total of the support my wife got. A friend grew up with a step father his whole childhood (bio father left right after birth). Step Dad was always detached and disinterested, and always drinking. Not violent, but not interested. When we were college age, his step dad got sober and realized what he had missed. Apologized and grew. Really made the effort to the point that in his late twenties my friend agreed to be officially adopted and changed his last name. Step dad is currently the most supportive and most present grandad of our group of friends." —@Mourning_Walk

 silent treatment, emotional maturity, emotional immaturity, the silent treatment, giving silent treatment Will Forte Silent Treatment GIF by hero0fwar  Giphy  

"My mother and the silent treatment are like 🤞🏽🤞🏽🤞🏽🤞🏽. I don’t think that woman has ever once used her words to express displeasure or disappointment, just a lot of huffing, puffing, slamming cabinets, eye rolls and going days without speaking. Her record was once 17 whole days! It was the most peaceful 17 days of my teenage life 😂." —@ThickConfusion1318

"My mom can’t take criticism. Like at all. If I say, 'Hey, you said/did this thing that really hurt me.' Her response is usually either to blame me and point out something completely unrelated that I did as a 'See? You’re not perfect either!', make excuses 'I meant something totally different than what I said, so it’s fine.', act like I’m completely overreacting 'You’re so over dramatic! You’re always upset over everything and I have to walk on eggshells!' Or to just get angry and start berating me for daring to bring it up to begin with. So it pretty much puts me in a position where I can’t talk to her about anything at all wrong in our relationship because she’s immediately going to take it as an attack and get defensive no matter how gently I word it. She always ends up upset and nothing is solved. So the best I can do is put distance and space between us to protect myself. And she keeps wondering why I never call or visit anymore." —@barb4290

"I am pretty sure that as a generation, millennials suffered from emotional neglect from our parents. For me it was just as simple as my parents being unable to show any type of affection and would avoid/refuses certain topics of conversations. my mom was pretty dismissive and acted as it was an annoyance for her when I got my first period. She acted similarly as I hit several milestone growing up and it just never felt safe to talk to her about anything. Also, my dad would throw tantrums whenever he would not get his way, then blame my mom." —@therdre

 angry, anger, handle emotions, mad, emotional Angry Inside Out GIF by Disney Pixar  Giphy  

"Growing up, my mother was not able to compartmentalize her stress from her job as a public school teacher. Would take it out on me for not eating peas or something at dinner, and I'd end up being yelled at by dad because he'd always take her side. Didn't understand until I got older, and they're still together, but at the time I was like wtf you see this, its crazy." —@SeenNotScene

Healing Solutions

"'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents' by Lindsay Gibson is the GenX guidebook to dealing with all of our trauma spilling out at midlife. This book / concept comes up often in this subreddit. Personally it helped me a lot." —@ND_Poet

"One thing I needed to come to terms with is that I cannot control my mother’s actions or feelings. Period. It was not my responsibility to do that. It was her responsibility to manage those things. It had been hers for a very long time, since way before ny sisters and I were even a thought. Once I understood that - not only on an intellectual level but an actual felt level, it became easier to make choices for my own well being. Boundaries. As others have said." —@Stop_Already

 boundaries, setting boundaries, boundary setting, boundary, healthy boundaries Jake Johnson Fox GIF by New Girl  Giphy  

"Here's what I have determined after raising kids to young adulthood. My parents did the best they could with the hand they were dealt. They did better than their own parents." —@Reader47b

"Finally, at age 48, I stepped away from their table, that I kept trying to sit at. I was trying to rescue them. Finally realized, I can't. They make the same amount of noise whether I am safe on shore, or jump in to the deep end and drown trying to rescue. Same amount of noise. And it does zero good. Put yourself first. Then your spouse and any kiddos next. That's it. It's ok to go low or no contact. It sort of hasn't mattered in my situation. And it's ok to grieve that you didn't have the parents you needed, and if you have kids, they won't have the grandparents they needed either. But you can be your parent (reparent yourself), and be the best damn grandparent if that is where you get to be. Break the cycle. You are worth it." —@redtail_rising

"One thing that helps me is to remember that it's not her fault she's like that (her parents were abusive - I don't think her emotionally capabilities developed normally). And keep my distance if she's upset about something. I am not her therapist, she cannot make me be her therapist, and I cannot convince her to go to therapy. Her mental health is not my problem." —@WhiskerWarrior2435

 therapy, go to therapy, therapist, mental health, get therapy Parks And Recreation Thumbs Up GIF  Giphy  

"The book 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' by Paul Mason and Randi Krieger is geared toward coping with family who have BPD, but it is a good overall guide on how to set boundaries and protect yourself against toxic/dysfunctional family, regardless of underlying pathology. Highly recommend. It allowed me to finally have a relationship with my mother that didn't leave me a mess after every conversation." —@UserUnknown

"I set hard boundaries and distanced myself from them as early as possible. I accepted that I was not responsible for their feelings or the outcomes of their decisions. I stopped trying to help/correct them because they didn't want to hear it and it just created friction/tension. I just came to accept that my parents didn't want to change/learn and that was a core aspect of who they were. And, even if they did want to, they didn't want to do so as a result of interactions with me because they were accustomed to a power dynamic in which I was subordinate to them and my being an adult wasn't going to cause them to forfeit any of that power." —@DerHoggenCatten

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What is 'eggshell parenting'? Psychologist breaks down the complicated parenting style

'Eggshell parenting' is a new buzzword that warrants serious consideration.

Photo by Derek Thomson on Unsplash
woman holding toddler waling near brown grass during daytime

Having to “walk on eggshells” is an uncomfortable situation for anyone. But when children are forced to do it around the very people meant to keep them safe, it’s downright painful. And the damage caused can be long-lasting.

In a viral TikTok post, psychologist Dr. Kim Sage breaks down this unhealthy parenting style and what exactly constitutes an “eggshell parent.”

With eggshell parents, Dr. Sage explains, the parent’s mood is always “unstable” and “like being on a rollercoaster.”

An emotional outburst could include name calling, verbal berating, gaslighting, accusations, threats, intimidation, shame, mocking, invalidation, yelling, even destroying possessions…while other times the mom or dad might be very supportive and loving.

Never knowing what to expect, kids of eggshell parents then have to become “hypervigilant” to prepare for whatever comes next.

 
 @drkimsage Eggshell parenting and emotionally unpredictable, unsafe parenting often creates a lifetime of hypervigilance in us —and a deep belief that there’s no such thing as real safety in relationships.💔#eggshellparent #toxicparent #walkingoneggshells #emotionallyimmatureparents #narcissisticparent #drkimsage ♬ original sound - Dr. Kim🦋Psychologist 
 
 

Oftentimes, Dr. Sage notes, this kind of dynamic leads to parentification and/or enmeshment, leaving the child not only without emotional boundaries of their own but also in a position of regulating the parent’s emotions and possibly even taking care of the household while doing so.

The biggest problem with eggshell parenting is that it eviscerates trust.

“No matter how much ‘good love’ you give as a parent…if tomorrow that love is unsafe, if it’s hurtful, if it’s conditional…the good love doesn’t really mean the same thing,” Dr. Sage says in a follow-up video.

How does this dynamic carry over into a kid’s adulthood? It shows up as social anxiety, an inherent lack of trust in others and a tendency to isolate.

In other words: “What you start to believe is that if your own mother or father or caregiver is not generally consistently safe, then no one is safe.”

 
 @drkimsage Eggshell mothers, eggshell fathers, eggshell parents…#eggshellmother #eggshellparent #enmeshment #parentification #drkimsage #toxicparent ♬ original sound - Dr. Kim🦋Psychologist 
 
 

Dr. Sage’s videos struck a chord with millions of viewers who considered themselves raised by eggshell parents.

One person recalled, “This is my family. Constantly dancing around my father’s moods and my mother’s coping mechanisms. Neither able to connect with me on any meaningful level.”

Another added, “It was like a battlefield. You had to worry about sniper fire and bombs going off. Truly feared for my life.”

Still another wrote, “Anxiety. Scanning. Waiting. It’s exhausting. I spend weekends by myself by choice. It takes days to feel like me after socializing.”

Considering that so many people feel the aftermath of certain toxic parenting styles like eggshell parenting, it’s no wonder why parents today are so interested in gentler and healthier approaches.

In order to avoid repeating the eggshell pattern, Dr. Sage recommends that parents take active steps to regulate their own emotions, rather than displaying volatility towards their children. And if there is a sudden emotional shift, take responsibility for the action instead of leaving kids to internalize it all.

So much of parenting seems to be figuring out how to avoid the shortcomings of our own parents. Luckily, social media and helpful professionals like Dr. Sage make that task just a little bit easier.

Catch even more of her videos here.


This article originally appeared on 8.23.23

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Gentle parenting: You're doing it wrong. Watch how it's supposed to look.

People often think "gentle parenting" means letting a child walk all over you, but it doesn't.

Images courtesy of Gabriel Hannans/TikTok (@the_indomitable_blackman)

Gabe Hannans explains what gentle parenting is and isn't.

One of the benefits of parenting in the 21st century is that we have decades of research on child psychology, behavior and development to draw best practices from. Unfortunately, all of that knowledge can also makes parenting more confusing than it already is.

It's not that the research is faulty, it's that people often don't take the time to actually understand what specific parenting philosophies actually entail. There's perhaps no more notorious example of that than misunderstandings about what "gentle parenting" means.

For many parents, "gentle parenting" sounds like a nice idea in theory but unrealistic in practice. Many imagine it means always using a calm and quiet voice, asking a child nicely to do things (or not do things) without setting any rules or boundaries around behavior. With that understanding, what ends up happening is a parent tries to "gentle parent" their child with scenarios that go something like this:

"Ellie, would you please put your shoes on?"

[Ellie ignores Mom and continues to play with her toys.]

"Ellie, it's time to get your shoes on. Can you stop playing with your toys, please?"

[Ellie shakes her head no while continuing to play.]

"Ellie, we have to go now. Mommy needs you to put your shoes on. Can you cooperate, please?"

[Ellie says, "No, I don't want to!"]

"Come on, Ellie. I know you don't want to, but please be cooperative."

child playing with blocksChild playing with blocks. Photo by Karolina Kaboompics/Pexels

And so it continues, with Mom asking nicely and Ellie refusing until Mom finally loses her patience and yells, at which time Ellie complies. Conclusion: Gentle parenting doesn't work.

Except what Mom is doing in that scenario isn't gentle parenting. It's gentle, sure. But it's not parenting.

Behavioral specialist and teacher Gabe Hannans explains what gentle parenting means in his popular TikTok videos. He also takes it a step further and demonstrates what gentle parenting actually looks like in practice.

In one video, Hannans stitches a video showing a mother losing her cool and yelling and swearing at a toddler who wouldn't get out of the garbage when she asked nicely with the caption, "When gentle parenting is not working."

"So, gentle parenting is not talking to your child like, 'Oh, little Billy, you gotta stop. Stop that, little Billy,'" he says. "If I need a kid to do something, I'm gonna walk up, 'Hey, little Billy. This is what we're doing now.' I'm gonna say what you should be doing instead of what you shouldn't be doing."

Watch him explain the effect that has on a child's brain:

@the_indomitable_blackman

#stitch with @nazahmathis397 Learn what gentle Parenting actually is... #sahm #NextLevelDish #foryoupage #children #fyp #GetCrackin #kids

In another video, he demonstrates what gentle parenting might look like in practice with a specific scenario in which he asks a kid to come inside because it's about to start raining. The kid, Jimothy, responds in a way that's rude or disrespectful because he wants to stay outside a little longer. Watch how Hannans handles it:

@the_indomitable_blackman

#stitch with @Life with Sam 🤪 Gentle, permissive, Conscious, respectful, different names, same principles. High expectation, Hugh responsiveness. It's not violent, fearful or shameful. it teaches the lessons you want them to learn. If you wanna make the switch and have Questions, that's why I'm here! #parents #parenting #respect #fyp #foryou #foryoupage

As the parent in the situation, he doesn't act as if he's not bothered by the kid's reaction. He's real about it, but he doesn't react with anger. He models healthy emotional control. He makes it clear that the expectation is mutual respect, and he models and explains that, too. He has the kid come up with a respectful response and has him practice it. Then he shows the kid that the respectful response works better, offering positive reinforcement of the desired behavior.

"A lot of parents are unfortunately holding on the belief that gentle parenting is permissive parenting, and they are not the same thing," he says. "They are so different because gentle parenting actually does teach respect, it teaches boundaries, it teaches expectations, it teaches what you're supposed to do in a given interaction. It's what proper parenting looks like."

Sometimes gentle parenting is referred to as conscious parenting or respectful parenting, but it's all the same thing. It's parenting through the lens of teaching, with the understanding that kids aren't born knowing how to act or communicate or behave or express themselves. We as parents have to patiently and persistently teach them all of those things, and that looks a bit different at each age and stage.

What about things like tantrums? As Hannans shows and explains in another video, taking a proactive approach to prevent tantrums is much more effective than waiting for them to happen and then having to manage them. Tantrums happen—it is developmentally appropriate behavior at certain ages and stages. But there's a lot that a parent can do to lessen the chances of a kid melting down.

Here's one example of how a parent can prepare a child to go shopping and set the expectations beforehand for what a trip to the store is going to entail.

@the_indomitable_blackman

#stitch Kids will tantrum, but an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure! Teach these kids to self regulate when they're calm. Set expectations and boundaries AND HOLD FIRM TO THEM. For more information... Check out the book I wrote. #fyp #foryoupage #foryou #parenting #parents #teaching


Every parent knows that parenting is complicated no matter how much research we do and how much knowledge we have. Each child has their own innate personality that parents have to get to know, and each parent has their own upbringing, environment, culture and tendencies to contend with. Most of us want to parent well, but figuring out how to do that with all the different variables at play is hard.

But that doesn't mean there aren't better and worse ways to parent. We have research-backed, effective ways to teach a child how to be a solid, upstanding human being without having to resort to harsh punishments. Screaming and yelling, spanking, humiliation, shaming and other "old school" methods might seem like they "work" in the short term, because they cause a child to shut down and do as they're told out of fear. But that doesn't teach them what respectful behavior or emotional regulation actually look like. It doesn't give them the tools and skills they need to make choices for themselves. That's what gentle parenting is all about.

Follow Hannans on TIkTok for more gentle parenting education and demonstration, and check out his book, "This is Parenting," here. 

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Woman gentle parented by her parents praises the benefits of the method

“My parents' voices became my inner voice, and because they were so kind to me, my inner voice is kind.”

Photo credit: Canva

Woman gentle parented as child praises the benefits of the method.

The term "gentle parenting" popped onto the scene in the past few years. Many people still view it as a new style of parenting, but it's been around for a long time—there just didn't used to be a pop culture name attached to it. Gentle parenting is generally when a parent considers how to speak and interact with their children, with the emphasis on them being a full person who is learning to navigate the world.

Parents who use this method attempt to hear their children out, offering options and not using harsh tones or language, focusing on age-appropriate development in their approach. Some people view this style of parenting as permissive and can't imagine how a child will develop into a functioning member of society without punishments and rewards for behaviors.

One woman has the answer to that question, taking it to social media so others can see. Noor Elanss created a video sharing that she was gentle parented as a child, and some of her revelations may surprise a few people.

The woman starts the video explaining, "I'm an immigrant child who was gentle parented and as an adult, I'm vibing. I'm so happy to be alive. If there's one thing that I think really distinguished my parents is that they were kind. They were so kind to me."

Noor credits her parents' gentle parenting style with her confidence today, "Never once have I walked into a room thinking, 'do I deserve to be here' cause growing up my parents always told me how proud they were of me and that I could accomplish anything that I wanted to."

She goes on to list other examples of how she was parented showing up in her daily life, but one of the biggest takeaways from her video has to do with her self talk. Noor says that because her parents were so kind to her while shaping her inner voice that she speaks to herself kindly. Commenters were taken aback by the video writing messages of hope as well as disbelief.

 
 @noor.elanss 

so blessed to have learned kindness at a young age 💕

 ♬ original sound - Noor El ✨ 
 
 

"This is refreshing to see. I see a lot of people's take on gentle parenting and they assume their children will grow up entitled. I gentle parent," one person writes.

"Is this a skit??" I've never heard someone actually say this before. This is all I wish for my daughter and children in the future Mashalla [God has willed it]," another says.

"Like I technically knew this existed...but I still cannot BELIEVE that this is some people's real life," someone reveals.

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