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Parenting coach shares 5 reasons why effective parents never yell at their kids

"Every time you yell, your kids don't listen."

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Mom and dad yelling at their kid.

There is a natural progression for most parents when their children refuse to listen, especially when it’s 8:30 am, and you’re getting ready to go to school. It goes like this: “Grace, please put on your shoes.” If that doesn’t work, we get a little more stern, “Put. On. Your. Shoes.” But when they don’t seem to listen the third time, many of us raise the pitch of our voice and scream, “PUT ON YOUR SHOES, NOW!” Then, we feel ashamed, like we lost control, but in the moment, we didn’t know what to do.

Unfortunately, according to Olivia Bergeron, LCSW, PMH-C, yelling at our kids is harmful to their mental health and development. It also isn’t an effective tactic to get children to listen. Once you begin the cycle of going from gentle reminders that aren’t heeded to screaming, you’ve set a new bassline, and kids will wait until you start yelling to know you mean business. This, in turn, creates a home where children are more likely to develop anxiety, depression, stress, and other emotional issues.

Is it ok to yell at my child?

Bergeron is a psychotherapist, parent coach, and founder of Mommy Groove Therapy & Parent Coaching to help New York City parents navigate the changes that come with having a child. Recently, she created a video on TikTok that provides five reasons why yelling at your children teaches them not to listen to you and to act out.

@parentingcoach

😳😳5 things that happen when you yell at your kids that teach them to listen less and act out more Trust me you NEED TO LISTEN if you yell! JOIN ME UPCOMING TRAINING ➡️ LINK ON HOMEPAGE #parenting #positivediscipline #parentingcoach #motherhood #parentingtips #momlife #parenthood #consciousparenting #parentingishard #parentingskills #positiveparenting

1. They stop listening to gentle reminders

“When you yell, the boundary you set is ‘Do not listen to me until I yell. I can ask 92 times I can give reminders, I could be gentle, I could be nice. But you don't need to listen until I yell.’ The boundary you have set is that when you yell, your kids need to motivate.”

2. You start a power struggle

“Every time you yell, you decrease your child's connection and power. This takes away their emotional needs on their road map which makes them act out more and listen less to try and gain back that connection and gain back that power.”



3. They don’t listen when you yell

“Every time you yell, your kids don't listen. They don't listen. They don't hear you. They will not listen to the yelling because they're just in trouble again. They're just being punished again, ‘What now? Who cares? I don’t care.’ They lose that sense of security and trust with you because they feel like you don't care.”

4. Increased push back

“Your kids will push back more and dig their heels in because you're taking away power, and you're overpowering them when they yell, and they want to feel in control, too. They do not want to feel overpowered.”

5. They’ll feel unloved

“Your kids are going to feel like they need to power back because they are feeling so small, and they are feeling like you don't love them, and they're always in trouble, and they can't do anything right. Because every time you yell, you cause blame, shame, and pain, and it teaches them that.”

The first step in changing a habit is realizing it no longer works for us. Bergeron’s advice is a good reminder to examine how our kids react when we ask them something, whether we do so in a quiet or loud voice. Once it’s clear that yelling is no longer effective, you can look for new ways to address your kids when you have a request. You may find that the gentle, easy way of doing it is more effective than the loud and harsh approach.



parenting and children
Family

Mom who wants her boys to pee sitting down makes pro-standing dad clean the bathrooms

"I said it was his idea for the boys to stand to pee, so he had to deal with the consequences."

Images via Unsplash

Parents argue over bathroom etiquette for boys

There’s a growing trend in some countries where more men are sitting to pee instead of standing up. This trend has caught on most prominently in Germany, where 62% of men now say they sit every time or most of the time.

The reasons for the change in public opinion in Germany are that it’s more hygienic for men to sit because there’s no splash back and it’s much easier to aim. In some places with communal living, standing to pee is greatly discouraged, and it’s now considered rude to stand to pee when visiting a friend’s house.

Things aren’t the same in the USA, where only 23% say they sit most of the time. The stand versus sit debate has caused a problem in a family, so a pro-sitting mom of three took to Reddit’s AITA forum to ensure she wasn’t in the wrong.

“After we potty trained our sons I kept making sure that they were sitting to pee. They are young and don't really care. They can use a urinal when we are out somewhere,” she wrote. “My brother-in-law was over last month and saw my oldest boy in the bathroom by accident. … Anyways my brother-in-law made a joke about my son not stinking up the bathroom. My son told him that he was just peeing. For some reason my BIL took offense at this and started bugging my husband about his sons sitting to pee.”

This is where things get interesting because, in many cultures, it’s seen as effeminate for men to sit and pee, which is probably a big reason why nearly 4 out of 5 men in America prefer to stand.

“My husband then started telling the boys that if they are only peeing that they should stand,” the mom continued. “They boys don't have great aim, but they make up for it with a short attention span. When I went in the bathroom after a few days of that it was gross. I turned around and walked out.”

The mother then told the dad that if the boys were going to stand to pee, then he could take responsibility for cleaning the “toilets, floors and walls” in the bathroom. “I said it was his idea for the boys to stand to pee, so he had to deal with the consequences,” the mom wrote. “He did it but he is upset about me unilaterally making this decision. Like he did about the boys.”

One can see the dad’s reasoning for having the boys stand to pee. Because if they sit to pee at school, they could deal with bullying from other boys. The mom’s position—that if they’re going to stand instead of sit, she’s not cleaning up the mess—also makes sense.

The commenters on the post overwhelmingly sided with the mother.

“I will never understand why it's socially acceptable for boys and grown-ass men to spray bathrooms like tom cats because they choose to stand to urinate. It's unnecessary and unsanitary. Either aim better, clean up after yourself, or sit," Consistent-Leopard71 wrote.

“All the people with penises can clean up after their penises,” Turkeygreen added.

The consensus among the commentators was that there’s nothing wrong with sitting to pee and it shouldn’t be seen as masculine or feminine. Many folks also thought that if you’re adamant about the kids doing something less hygienic, you should probably clean up after them.

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