Parenting coach shares 5 reasons why effective parents never yell at their kids
"Every time you yell, your kids don't listen."
Mom and dad yelling at their kid.
There is a natural progression for most parents when their children refuse to listen, especially when it’s 8:30 am, and you’re getting ready to go to school. It goes like this: “Grace, please put on your shoes.” If that doesn’t work, we get a little more stern, “Put. On. Your. Shoes.” But when they don’t seem to listen the third time, many of us raise the pitch of our voice and scream, “PUT ON YOUR SHOES, NOW!” Then, we feel ashamed, like we lost control, but in the moment, we didn’t know what to do.
Unfortunately, according to Olivia Bergeron, LCSW, PMH-C, yelling at our kids is harmful to their mental health and development. It also isn’t an effective tactic to get children to listen. Once you begin the cycle of going from gentle reminders that aren’t heeded to screaming, you’ve set a new bassline, and kids will wait until you start yelling to know you mean business. This, in turn, creates a home where children are more likely to develop anxiety, depression, stress, and other emotional issues.
Is it ok to yell at my child?
Bergeron is a psychotherapist, parent coach, and founder of Mommy Groove Therapy & Parent Coaching to help New York City parents navigate the changes that come with having a child. Recently, she created a video on TikTok that provides five reasons why yelling at your children teaches them not to listen to you and to act out.
@parentingcoach 😳😳5 things that happen when you yell at your kids that teach them to listen less and act out more Trust me you NEED TO LISTEN if you yell! JOIN ME UPCOMING TRAINING ➡️ LINK ON HOMEPAGE #parenting #positivediscipline #parentingcoach #motherhood #parentingtips #momlife #parenthood #consciousparenting #parentingishard #parentingskills #positiveparenting
1. They stop listening to gentle reminders
“When you yell, the boundary you set is ‘Do not listen to me until I yell. I can ask 92 times I can give reminders, I could be gentle, I could be nice. But you don't need to listen until I yell.’ The boundary you have set is that when you yell, your kids need to motivate.”
2. You start a power struggle
“Every time you yell, you decrease your child's connection and power. This takes away their emotional needs on their road map which makes them act out more and listen less to try and gain back that connection and gain back that power.”
3. They don’t listen when you yell
“Every time you yell, your kids don't listen. They don't listen. They don't hear you. They will not listen to the yelling because they're just in trouble again. They're just being punished again, ‘What now? Who cares? I don’t care.’ They lose that sense of security and trust with you because they feel like you don't care.”
4. Increased push back
“Your kids will push back more and dig their heels in because you're taking away power, and you're overpowering them when they yell, and they want to feel in control, too. They do not want to feel overpowered.”
5. They’ll feel unloved
“Your kids are going to feel like they need to power back because they are feeling so small, and they are feeling like you don't love them, and they're always in trouble, and they can't do anything right. Because every time you yell, you cause blame, shame, and pain, and it teaches them that.”
The first step in changing a habit is realizing it no longer works for us. Bergeron’s advice is a good reminder to examine how our kids react when we ask them something, whether we do so in a quiet or loud voice. Once it’s clear that yelling is no longer effective, you can look for new ways to address your kids when you have a request. You may find that the gentle, easy way of doing it is more effective than the loud and harsh approach.
