parenting and children

My wife and I really love our kids. OK, that sounds obvious. But I guess what I really mean is that we like them. We always joke that we'd be totally OK if our kids lived with us forever, mooching off of our money and food and and hanging out with us forever and forever. Doesn't sound too bad to me!

We're mostly joking, of course. Obviously I want them to flourish in their own lives, find spouses and/or have children if that's what they want, seek success in their careers and have rich friendships and adventures all over the world. So I will probably have to settle for just having a good relationship with them, one that straddles the line between parent and friend just right.

I guess there's a downside to your kids living at home forever.Giphy

When your kids are grown, you're not really their buddy or bestie, but you also have to take a step back from your full-time role as protector and teacher. You have to land in the sweet spot in between, and a lot of parents get this wrong, falling too far to one side or the other. Conflict can come from anywhere, from the adult children feeling overly criticized or controlled, to poor boundaries, to disagreements about modern vs old-school parenting/marriage/values.

Navigating these conflicts well is crucial, but the real work is done much, much earlier.

Reem Raouda, a Certified Conscious Parenting Coach and researcher, recently wrote about her observations after working with over 200 different families. She says the foundation for a good parent-adult child relationship begins in the early years.

Parents who are successful in this area do seven things early on when their kids are young. They're actually much harder than they sound.

A good relationship with your adult children starts here. Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash

Let them know their feelings matter

You know the classic "husband mistake" where he wants to fix all his wife's problems instead of just letting her vent? Yeah, parents do that, too. As protectors and teachers, we rush to fix or offer solutions but often fail to acknowledge our kids' feelings. Raouda says making your children feel understood is a key building block to your relationship several years down the road.

Choose connection over control

Fear can be useful if your goal is to make sure your children do all their chores and never misbehave in front of you. But it's not going to serve your relationship into their adult years. A gentler approach based on listening and empathy, and one that deprioritizes obedience, is the better longterm strategy.

"When kids feel emotionally secure, they continue seeking your support well into adulthood," she writes.

Give them a voice in their own life

We try to do this as often as we can, so I know exactly how hard it is. Take summer camps — what I want to do is sign my kids up for the things I think will be good for them and the camps that will work well for my schedule. But they may have totally different ideas. Making space for what they want is time-consuming and annoying (they don't want to go to camp at all, or they want to go to a camp that doesn't exist), but is hugely important in giving them agency.

Don't force your son to play football just because you love it.Giphy

Own your mistakes

This is a huge one, but very difficult to do! A lot of parents are too proud to apologize to their own children or they think it undermines them. It's difficult because when you treat another adult badly or say or do something you regret, you know you're going to have to apologize — but children can't hold you accountable in the same way. You have all the power and no one is going to make you say that you're sorry. But it's such an important lesson for them and it helps them see that your relationship isn't just about power.

"Children raised in homes where accountability is the norm don't fear making mistakes. Instead of hiding their struggles, they trust they can come to you without shame," Raouda says.

Make quality time together a daily habit

In one of my favorite articles, The Myth of Quality Time, Frank Bruni argues that it is impossible to create quality time. You can't schedule a big heart-to-heart or map out exactly when and where you and your child will open up to each other and share a moment. These things happen naturally and organically to people who spend a large quantity of time together. Get used to actually spending time together and it will pay off down the road with stronger connection.

Let them be themselves without judgment

We've all heard of the dad who forces his kids to play sports because that's what he wants them to do, or the mom who makes her daughter follow in her gymnastics footsteps. As you can imagine, your children will be much more comfortable around you as adults if you encourage their uniqueness and support them as they follow their own paths.

"When kids grow up feeling accepted," Raouda writes, "they won't have to choose between being themselves and staying close to you.

Protect the relationship over being right

It's OK to admit when you're wrong. In fact, it's critical. Photo by Xavier Mouton Photographie on Unsplash

It's hard for adults to admit, but sometimes kids are right! You can probably bulldoze over them when they're young, but you're much better off allowing them to have a somewhat equal voice in your relationship. As Raouda says, "When kids know they can express themselves and still be loved and respected, they grow into adults who trust the relationship rather than fear it."

Other experts have written about this conundrum at length. One of the most counterintuitive pieces of advice is to not center your whole world around your children.

For all the effort that we want and need to pour into our relationships with out kids, it's ironically incredibly important that we have other things going on. After all, if we don't show them what a full life is supposed to look like, how are they supposed to create one?

Psychologist Henry Cloud writes: "A child needs to internalize a model of someone who has a life of her own. The parent whose life is centered around her children is influencing them to think that life is about either becoming a parent or being forever served by a parent. Let your child know you have interests and relationships that don’t involve her. Take trips without her. Show her that you take active responsibility in meeting your own needs and solving your own problems."

Unless, of course, you really do want them living at home and mooching off of you forever. But let's be real, that's probably not as great as it sounds.