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Parenting

Bill Gates explains the ‘safest’ age to give a kid a cellphone

Sorry, kids.

Image from YouTube video/ Creative Commons/Attribution 3.0 Unported.

Bill Gates in conversation with The Times of India

Bill Gates sure is strict on how his children use the very technology he helped bring to the masses. In a recent interview with the Mirror, the tech mogul said his children were not allowed to own their own cellphone until the age of 14. "We often set a time after which there is no screen time, and in their case that helps them get to sleep at a reasonable hour," he said. Gates added that the children are not allowed to have cellphones at the table, but are allowed to use them for homework or studying.

The Gates children, now 20, 17 and 14, are all above the minimum age requirement to own a phone, but they are still banned from having any Apple products in the house—thanks to Gates' longtime rivalry with Apple founder Steve Jobs.

smartphones, families, responsible parenting, social media

Bill Gates tasting recycled water.

Image from media.giphy.com.

While the parenting choice may seem harsh, the Gates may be onto something with delaying childhood smartphone ownership. According to the 2016 "Kids & Tech: The Evolution of Today's Digital Natives"report, the average age that a child gets their first smartphone is now 10.3 years.

"I think that age is going to trend even younger, because parents are getting tired of handing their smartphones to their kids," Stacy DeBroff, chief executive of Influence Central, told The New York Times.

James P. Steyer, chief executive of Common Sense Media, a nonprofit organization that reviews content and products for families, additionally told the Times that he too has one strict rule for his children when it comes to cellphones: They get one when they start high school and only when they've proven they have restraint. "No two kids are the same, and there's no magic number," he said. "A kid's age is not as important as his or her own responsibility or maturity level."

PBS Parents also provided a list of questions parents should answer before giving their child their first phone. Check out the entire list below:

  • How independent are your kids?
  • Do your children "need" to be in touch for safety reasons—or social ones?
  • How responsible are they?
  • Can they get behind the concept of limits for minutes talked and apps downloaded?
  • Can they be trusted not to text during class, disturb others with their conversations, and to use the text, photo, and video functions responsibly (and not to embarrass or harass others)?
  • Do they really need a smartphone that is also their music device, a portable movie and game player, and portal to the internet?
  • Do they need something that gives their location information to their friends—and maybe some strangers, too—as some of the new apps allow?
  • And do you want to add all the expenses of new data plans? (Try keeping your temper when they announce that their new smartphone got dropped in the toilet...)


This article originally appeared seven years ago.

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Is Cocomelon ruining kids? Parents and experts weigh in.

Baby JJ just can't stay out of the headlines.

*Hajee/Flickr & Unsplash

When my oldest daughter was little, Cocomelon wasn't the sensation it is today. It didn't take over on YouTube until around 2018 and it didn't show up on Netflix until 2020. We discovered it around the time my youngest was born, and it was a lifesaver! What an amazing tool to have in our arsenal when we needed a break from chasing her around or needed her to sit still and eat for a few minutes.

She absolutely devoured it, and I never had an issue with JJ and the gang being on in the background. The show had cute songs, bright colors, and seemed to have some light teaching elements that I liked (letters, manners, eating fruits and vegetables, that kind of thing). Little did I know that Cocomelon was actually the most destructive show on television. At least, according to some parents and experts.

More and more has come out in recent years about Cocomelon's methods and how they're able to make their content so sticky.

The show is meticulously engineered to hold the attention of babies and toddlers. Everything is intentional, from the bright colors to the frequent cuts and scene changes.

In fact, during testing, Moonbug Entertainment (the producers behind the show) use something called a "Distractatron" to measure exactly when they're losing kids' attention. Basically, the Distractatron is a screen with mundane real-world footage rolling on it next to the episode they're testing. When kids look away from the show to watch whatever boring thing is being shown on the Distractatron, producers know they can tweak those moments in the episodes to make them more engaging.

Or addicting, depending on how you look at it.

There's a growing chorus of parents online that think this kind of testing and optimization is not just icky, but truly harmful.

Some even accuseCocomelon of causing or contributing to serious lifelong issues like delayed speech, ADHD, and even Autism.

People claim it turns kids into zombies and that they show symptoms of withdrawal when you make them turn it off.

The experts have weighed in, too: Cocomelon isn't necessarily great for kids, but it might be getting a bad rap.

"Cocomelon is very stimulating thus it really draws in the attention of children and it is also faster paced than some other shows for children which can make it more addictive," says Dr. Maya Weir of Thriving California.

The bright colors and quit camera cuts definitely contribute to the dopamine reward response in children, which makes watching it feel extra exciting. It can also make them really not want to turn the show off.

But... it's probably misguided to single out Cocomelon in particular.

"All screens and tv shows are attention grabbing and addictive for children. Any show will activate dopamine which will create the child to desire the show again and again. I don't think it is appropriate for parents to attribute speech delay, autism and ADHD to watching Cocomelon," says Weir.

Let's say that again for the folks in the back.

Watching TV, even hyper-optimized shows like Cocomelon, will not give your kids ADHD or autism.

It is worth having a look at how much overall screentime your kids are getting, however, whether it's with Cocomelon, another show, or a mix of different content.

"Highly stimulating shows like Cocomelon can make quieter activities feel as exciting as watching paint dry," says Veronica West, psychologist at My Thriving Mind. "That doesn’t mean it causes ADHD or speech delays, but too much screen time can crowd out important interactions like chatting, playing, and, you know, digging through the trash when you’re not looking. So, let’s blame screen overuse, not just JJ and his catchy tunes."

Screentime guidelines from the American Academy of Pediatrics are a good starting point. For kids 2-5, they recommend keep it to an hour or less per day.

Parents panicking over TV shows is nothing new. And it's totally understandable.

Anyone remember when Barney was thought to be subliminally sending satanic messages to kids through songs and leading to a generation of morally-bankrupt children?

Remember when Caillou was going to, for lack of a better term, turn kids evil through his modeling of horrible behavior?

Peppa Pig was even accused of quite literally causing autism in kids. The study the rumor was based on turned out to be a complete hoax, but those rumors have stuck around and turned a lot parents away from the show.

It's a good idea to try not to get caught up in the panic whenever a new show starts getting criticism.

In the last year or so, we've drastically reduced the amount of Cocomelon we use in our house. Down to almost zero. Part of that is that my youngest daughter is getting older. But I admit that I don't necessarily love the way it's engineered to be addicting, and that's been part of the decision.

But again, it's not just Cocomelon.

Our beloved Disney and Pixar do similar testing on their movies — they want to make sure they're triggering the right emotions at the right times and, of course, not losing your attention along the way.

That's just the world we live in now, and it continues through adulthood with Instagram, TikTok, and pretty much everything else we interact with.

I get the instinct to protect your kids from as much of this stuff as possible for as long as you can.

@thecircusbrain

#cocomelon #cocomelonchallenge vs #sesamestreet 😒


You're not going to mess your kids up by letting them watch Cocomelon! But here are a few things you might keep in mind if you choose to.

First, remember to set screentime limits. Just as important as what you choose to watch, is how much of it you allow.

Next, if possible, watch Cocomelon with your kids! The APA actually recommends zero solo media usage for kids under two. If you can, sit and watch with them and ask them questions about what they're seeing on the screen.

Similarly, sing the songs and do the dances with them after you've turned the show off. This will help reinforce critical social and speech skills.

And finally, remember that it's your choice. You don't have to allow Cocomelon in your house if you want. But we do need to be careful about casually implying that anything causes ADHD, autism, or speech delays when the evidence just isn't there.

And if you find JJ and his pals annoying and just don't want to listen to it anymore? Well, you're definitely not alone!

kids
Family

This innocent question we ask boys is putting more pressure on them than we realize

When it's always the first question asked, the implication is clear.


Studies show that having daughters makes men more sympathetic to women's issues.

And while it would be nice if men did not need a genetic investment in a female person in order to gain this perspective, lately I've had sympathy for those newly woke dads. My two sons have caused something similar to happen to me. I've begun to glimpse the world through the eyes of a young male. And among the things I'm finding here in boyland are the same obnoxious gender norms that rankled when I was a girl.

Of course, one notices norms the most when they don't fit. If my tween sons were happily boy-ing away at boy things, neither they nor I would notice that they were hemmed in.

But oh boy, are they not doing that.

In fact, if I showed you a list of my sons' collective interests and you had to guess their gender, you'd waver a bit, but then choose girl.

Baking, reading, drawing, holidays, films, volleyball, cute mammals, video games, babies and toddlers, reading, travel, writing letters.

I imagine many of you are thinking at this point: That's awesome that your boys are interested in those things!

There's more. One loves comics and graphic novels but gravitates to stories with strong female protagonists, like Ms. Marvel and The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl.

Cool! I love it.

And sports. They are thoroughly bored by team sports. They don't play them. They won't watch them. They will up- or down-arrow through any number of sporting events on TV to get to a dance contest or to watch competitive baking.

So? Nothing wrong with that.

Those are the kinds of things all my progressive friends say.

But it's often not the message my sons themselves hear from the other adults in their lives, their classmates, and the media.

For example, the first get-to-know-you question they are inevitably asked by well-meaning grown-ups is, "So, do you play sports?" When they say, "No, not really," the adult usually continues brightly, "Oh, so what do you like to do, then?"

No one explicitly says it's bad for a boy not to play sports. But when it's always the first question asked, the implication is clear: playing sports is normal; therefore, not playing them is not.

The truth is that one of them does play a sport. He figure skates, as does my daughter. When people find out that she skates, they beam at her, as if she suddenly has possession of a few rays of Olympic glory. In the days before my son stopped telling people that he ice skates, most of them hesitated and then said, "Oh, so you are planning to play hockey?"

But it's not just what people say. It's all those pesky, unwritten rules. When he was in second grade, my younger son liked the Nancy Drew and the Clue Crew series. But he refused to check any out of the school library. He explained: "Girls can read boy books, but boys can't read girl books. Girls can wear boy colors or girl colors, but boys can only wear boy colors. Why is that, Mom?"

I didn't have an answer.

An obvious starting point — and the one that we have the most control over — is to change the way we speak to the boys in our lives.

As Andrew Reiner suggests in a spot-on essay, we should engage boys in analytical, emotion-focused conversations, just like we do with girls. In "How to Talk to Little Girls," Lisa Bloom offers alternatives to the appearance-focused comments so often directed at young girls: asking a girl what she's reading or about current events or what she would like to see changed in the world. I could copy-paste Bloom's list and slap a different title on it: "How to Ask Boys About Something Besides Sports."

And with a few more built-in nudges, we might expand the narrow world of boyhood more quickly. Boy Scouts could offer badges for developing skills in child care, teamwork, and journaling. Girl-dominated activities like art, dance, gymnastics, and figure skating could be made more welcoming to boys, with increased outreach and retention efforts. My son could write his own essay about trying to fit in to the nearly all-girl world of figure skating, including the times he has had to change clothes in a toilet stall at skating events because there were no locker rooms available for boys.

I used to think that the concept of gender — of "girl things" and "boy things" — was what was holding us back.

Now I see it differently.

The interdependent yin and yang of gender is a fundamental part of who we are, individually and collectively. We need people who like to fix cars and people who like to fix dinner. We need people who are willing and able to fight if needed and people who are exquisitely tuned into a baby's needs. But for millennia, we have forced these traits to align with biological sex, causing countless individuals to be dissatisfied and diminished. For the most part, we've recognized this with girls. But we have a long way to go when it comes to boys. As Gloria Steinem observed, "We've begun to raise daughters more like sons … but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters."

I acknowledge that young boys feeling pressured to be sports fans is not our country's biggest problem related to gender.

Transgender individuals still confront discrimination and violence. The #MeToo movement has revealed to anyone who didn't already know it that girls and women can't go about their everyday lives without bumping into male sexual aggression.

But if our culture shifts to wholeheartedly embrace the whole spectrum of unboyishness, it may play some small role in addressing these other issues, too. Male culture will be redefined, enriched, and expanded, diluting the toxic masculinity that is at the root of most of our gender-related problems.

Boys and girls alike will be able to decide if they would rather be made up of snips and snails, sugar and spice, or a customized mix. And my future grandsons, unlike my sons, won't think twice about wearing pink or reading about a girl detective at school.

This story originally appeared on Motherwell and is reprinted here with permission.


This article originally appeared six years ago.

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Parenting

What do you keep in your ‘car kit?’ Parents reveal surprisingly practical must have items

An ice cream bucket with a lid.

Photo credit: Canva

Parents reveal 'must have' items to keep in your 'car kit'

Once you have a baby it doesn't take long for you to realize that you're no longer able to just quickly leave the house. There are a million and one things you have to toss into a bag before you can even grab the baby and head out the door. Eventually the diaper bag is down to a science where certain things just "live" in the bag after months of experience learning the most needed items.

But kids don't need diaper bags forever. They eventually eat without spitting up, no longer need a binky or their extra lovey to carry with them everywhere. So the bag gets a little smaller until you realize, bigger kids still need a bunch of crap that is infrequent enough that you can leave it in the car but frequent enough that you can't leave it at home. That's when you graduate from the diaper bag or toddler backpack to having a parenting "car kit."

A parenting car kit contains all the essentials that your child might need while in the car for road trips and trips around town. Since every kid and family are different most car kits will be different but there are a few common items that parents swear by on keeping handy. If you're a newer parent just heading into that in between age of not quite toddler but not quite preschooler, you may want to grab a pen to jot down some ideas if you don't already ave a car kit packed.

Start with the essentials

Depending on the type of car you have, you may want to use a tote bag, small duffle bag or a shallow plastic tote to keep everything contained. Since the kit's permanent home will be in your vehicle it should be in a container that is not in the way but is large enough to fit your needs. Aside from something to put the items in, the most common item to keep inside it is a first aid kit, which can be restocked as needed. Other parents on weighed in on what they felt like were important must haves to keep on hand.

brown duffel bag beside white and brown wooden chair Photo by Erol Ahmed on Unsplash

Car sickness and stomach bugs happen so it's better to be prepared

Vomit happens when you have kids, so several parents insist on keeping items in your car to make your life a little easier. One parent writes, "We use an ice cream bucket (and have a lid in case we have to use it). My kids get sick way too often, so we also keep an extra change of clothes for both, disinfecting wipes, Febreeze, soap to clean the bucket in a bathroom sink."

Other parents suggested gallon Ziploc bags or the vomit bags in the back of airplane seats but instead of...borrowing them from an airline, someone suggests ordering them online, "We learned the hard way. You can order them on Amazon, they're not expensive, and they're worth every dime when you're not cleaning vomit out of your car vents with a toothbrush."

vomiting season 21 GIF by The BachelorGiphy

Don't forget the changing seasons and extra shoes and...more

One mom shares that she swaps out clothes depending on the season and is sure to keep a spare pair of shoes, "I have a toddler, I keep....Change of clothes, cheap flipflops for spare shoes, I rotate out summer/winter things (sunscreen/hat/bubbles/bathing suit/towel and winter hat/gloves/sweater/snowpants), books (Especially I-spy books), bandaid's, wet wipes, chalk, extra little cheap toys/entertainment encase stuck in traffic for a long time (have previously been stuck in traffic 4 hours because there was an accident on the hwy. I learned my lesson, bring things to entertain the child.), coloring book/crayons, extra blankets, inflatable ball to play pass with, toilet paper, fold out potty."

Schitts Creek Comedy GIF by CBCGiphy

Picture it, the theme is wet wipes

If you were curious if parents thought you needed wet wipes, you can't stop worrying because they do. They say you need all of the wet wipes or baby wipes. "Baby wipes, no matter how old they are. Towel, hair brush, 1st aid kit, spare clothes for all of us, pocket knife, coloring books, crayons, regular books, and a gallon ziplock filled with old party favor extras in case of emergency," one parent says.

Another parent writes, "My youngest is 10 and our eldest is 25. Is still always have baby wipes. Super convenient!" While someone else shares, "Mine are 3 and 5 year old boys. I have a pack of wipes (you ALWAYS need wipes), change of clothes for both kids, emergency portable potty, and two empty metal water bottles (because we often go on spontaneous adventures and we sometimes buy drinks that they want to split)."

Happy Wipes GIF by Huggies BrandGiphy

Or you can opt out

Not all parents are interested in keeping extra things in their car for "just in case." Just like all car kits are individual to each family, so is the need for one. Some kids are excellent in cars, never getting car sick or having accidents, while others require more, with one parent saying, "I’m baffled by this 'parent kit' stuff. Like my kid is 9 and we’ve survived a lot without most of this stuff."

Several parents share that they prefer not having additional things in their car and it has worked out fine while others explain that they didn't think to keep things in their car and other parents saved them in a pinch from their own car kits.

"These had never crossed my mind before. And then, when he was 2, my son suddenly threw up as I was carrying him into a restaurant and this random mom was immediately at my side with vomit bags and wipes. That woman is still my hero and I now always have an extra vomit bag in the car at a minimum," one person says.

Parenting is such an individual thing that heavily depends on your child's personality and physical needs. But if you do have a car kit or want to make one, it might just be you who is coming to the rescue of a flustered mom still learning what her child needs available while in the car.

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