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I was a Gen X-er going through heartbreak. A Gen Z friend gave me some great healing advice.

It's time to start paying attention to our Gen Z friends.

Photo by Dominic Sansotta on Unsplash

Two woman walking on seashore

Heartbreak is an equal opportunity offender, no matter your age, race, or sexual orientation. But as each generation evolves, new coping mechanisms are learned, thanks in part to online wisdom. So when I, a woman born in the '70s with slacker tendencies and very few roadmaps to relationships, was going through a particularly difficult breakup, one 27-year-old buddy, Kev, gave me life-changing tips. Now when all that ghosting, gaslighting, and whatever the kids are doing these days occurs, I know just what to do.

LEARN TO LOVE THE BLOCK FEATURE

Text Chat GIF by IlizaGiphy

When I was first learning how to be dumped, we didn't have any statement features like "unfriend," "unfollow," and "block." The most we could do was just stop going to the same bar our ex went to and hope for the best. Now, Kev reminds me, we can take action to help alleviate future pain, and that is to cut off contact.

Now, that doesn't mean everyone who ever does you wrong should lose all access. It's, of course, a spectrum and relationship-dependent. But he told me, "When he texts you again—and he will text you again—let his heart sink when he sees that little blue bubble turn green."

I innocently asked, "What if he wants to get back together?" To which Kev replied, "He's gonna have to work harder than just sending you a meme. Plus, unfollowing and blocking will give you time to decide if YOU even miss HIM."

DELETE, DELETE, DELETE


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This issue is far from generational, but letting go has never been a forte of mine. That, mixed with my "somewhat" obsessive tendencies, has led to hours, maybe months, of combing through old texts and voicemails, trying to decipher just where it all went wrong. Kev says, "Delete and never look back."

"Don't even let yourself have the chance to stare at your old inside jokes. They're in the past now. And you're a shark, always swimming forward."

I tried to ask, even the sexy late-night texts? "Especially those, girl. Byeeee."

FAKE IT TILL YOU'RE OVER IT


table dance GIFGiphy

Back in the '90s, a guy would dump me, and my only reprieve was singing "I Will Survive" at karaoke. Usually to him and whatever lucky lady he landed on next. Sure, after a bunch of lemon-drop shots, it felt cathartic at the time. But Kev implored me that the worst thing you could do is show them your pain. "There's nothing to be ashamed of when you're sad, hurt, or angry. But unload that stuff on your friends or therapist. Because there's nothing sexier than seeming like you've moved on!"

SUMMON YOUR INNER BADASS


Super 8 Good Luck GIF by JessGiphy

Looking to your favorite musicians for inspiration is a fabulous idea. Whether it's the Gen X legend, Madonna, the millennial guru, Lady Gaga, or the current reigning queen, Chappell Roan, let their music guide you to your best self. (Of course, it doesn't have to be pop stars. It can be rap, heavy metal, or classic rock too, though Kev warns that "Yacht rock might make you too sleepy.")

Kev must have sent me links to at least five Chappell Roan songs. "Listen to 'Good Luck, Babe.' Feel it. Live it."

Then he added, "Go do stuff you don't even feel like doing. Go dancing. Hang with friends. The more you're out of your own head, the faster he'll get out of your head too."

IF YOU MUST RESPOND, MAKE IT NONSENSICAL


Hot Dog Dogs GIFGiphy

Perhaps my favorite piece of Gen Z advice? If all else fails, confuse them. Let's say you couldn't bring yourself to actually block the ex, and eventually, they text you, "Thinking about you, hope you're okay," or something like that. Kev says, "Respond with a mysterious emoji, like a saxophone or a teacher on a laptop."

"Better yet, send a gif of a baby eating spaghetti or a dachshund on a skateboard. Then you block, and he will forever wonder… wait, what?"

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Joy

She let her friends make a dating profile for her. It's so good they put it up in Times Square.

She's definitely getting noticed!

Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

Would you let your friends create a dating app profile for you?

Dating is really hard. Especially for people over the age of 30. As someone who has been through it, I can attest to it honestly feeling like a full-time job. Dating apps are time consuming—you have to create an enticing profile, choose the best pictures to represent you and make sure your intentions are clear. Usually, you're doing this for more than one dating app at a time. Forget the emotional and time investment it takes to go on the apps and find an actual date. Your thumb will get tired from all the swiping right and left. It's no wonder some people just give up.

Sha Tabb was one such woman. She decided enough was enough and deleted all of her dating apps. But then, her friends stepped in. They took matters into their own hands to find their friend, a former NFL cheerleader who now works as a traffic reporter, a date. And Tabb absolutely let them do it.

"My dating life feels non-existent," Tabb told PEOPLE in an exclusive interview. "For a while, it didn't bother me that I wasn't dating. I was on a couple of apps, I would go out on dates and then the guys would ghost me. I'm like, 'Okay, this isn't working for me. I know it's worked for many other people, but it's just not working for me.' So I took myself off of the apps."

Her friend Jacqui Duran, who had met Tabb about 11 years ago when they worked together, heard about an app called Wingman after reading a story about a woman whose mother used the app to create a profile for her. So, during her birthday dinner, Duran, along with another friend and former co-worker Sheri Ralliford, presented Tabb with the idea of allowing them to take over her dating life. Tabb agreed to let her friends do the heavy lifting of dating for a while.

sha tabb, dating, billboard

Sha Tabb's friends created a dating profile for her through the Wingman app.

Wingman App

In February, the friends created Tabb's profile on Wingman, hoping to find their friend love. Some time later, Wingman CEO Tina Wilson found Tabb's profile and had the team turn it into a 48-foot billboard in Times Square. The billboard was installed on May 3 and will run until June 19. Wilson explained to PEOPLE that Tabb's story "goes to show you can be beautiful inside and out, and a professional cheerleader even, and still struggle to find the right partner."

It is absolutely bonkers to imagine what it must be like to have your dating profile broadcast in Times Square of all places. Tabb is taking it all in stride so far.

"I've done modeling in the past, so I've had my face on things, but normally I'm promoting other things for people or other products. Now, I'm promoting myself," she said.

This is all so amazing, but where did Wingman even come from? The dating app was created by Tina Wilson at a time when she was single and her friends were all pretty much married. A self-professed "cupid," Wilson wanted to put her skills to good use. "The ability to help our friends find someone is a very deep-seated instinct for many, many people and I wanted to create a constructive outlet for that desire," she says on her website.

sha tabb, dating profile, billboard, wingman

Sha Tabb has a profile on Wingman, where her friends are trying to find her a date.

Wingman App

And that's what Wingman is—you put your friends in control of your love life (but only if you trust them of course!). They're completely in control, they write your profile and tell people why they should date you. And then, they get to decide who you end up going out on dates with.

"Wingman lets those that know you best, choose who you should date," according to the company's website. Additionally, the app "aims to bring friends closer and redefine the online dating game" by allowing friends to create profiles rather than the single person themself.

Tabb has no doubts that her friends will choose someone great for her—their friendship is strong enough that she believes they know who she should date. "They're completely being my wing women and my matchmakers," she said.

Here's hoping that her friends find her someone (or multiple someones) who's a perfect match.

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What I learned about emotional baggage on my most recent first date.

What if our 'perfect' online dating profiles are hurting our chances of finding something real?

It seemed like Seth and I would be a match made in cyber heaven.

Of course, I determined this based on our skimpy online dating profiles where we both strategically left out pieces of our life stories. Little did I know that Seth would teach me what it means to admit I’m human and come with a lot of baggage, just like the rest of the world.

Like every safe online dater, I made sure we met for our first date at a coffee shop. Nothing too serious to break the world’s most awkward ice. (Seriously, if you’ve never had the privilege of walking into a crowded public place with all eyes on you to meet a stranger, consider yourself blessed.)

First dates are fun. Photo via iStock.

The coffee date went well, measured by a minimal number of painful pauses.

He bought my peppermint mocha, which is always a good sign.

I made the mistake of choosing a coffee shop located especially close to my neighborhood, so of course someone I knew spotted me. A text from my friend came in shortly after I left: "My dad just saw you getting coffee. He said you looked like you were with a boyfriend."

I guess we looked natural enough to move to the second date — that’s good news!

On our second date, we met for dinner.

It’s a bigger leap from the casual coffee meeting. Somehow when forks and knives get invited, it feels like a big deal. But the conversation went smoothly, and we wanted to keep talking, so we moved to the wine bar down the pre-flooded Ellicott City street.

On the walk back to our cars at the end of the night, I decided he didn’t feel like a serial killer, so maybe we should disclose each other’s full names. It felt like a good next step.

Photo via iStock.

We laughed that it took so long to share our names, and then we decided we should try another date sometime.

He texted me a few days later and asked if I wanted to go for a hike.

Pardon the interruption while I tell you that it was January … in Maryland. If it’s not snowing in Maryland in January, then it’s generally cold enough outside that I really would prefer to be hibernating indoors. I contemplated asking if we could postpone this hike for — oh, I don’t know — four months? But I scrapped the idea, thinking I needed to appear adventurous and easygoing.

"Sure! That sounds great! Can’t wait!" I texted back. I mean, at least I didn’t totally lie and say something like, "I LOVE HIKING IN THE BELOW-FREEZING TEMPERATURES!!! ☺"

So we went on the hike, but it didn’t take long for me to lose all the circulation in my hands and feet.

Turns out it’s tough to hide fingers that resemble the dead.

I have an autoimmune disorder called Sjögren’s that affects a lot of my body, but loss of blood is one of the more noticeable symptoms. I guess it was time to fess up. "Yes, I was diagnosed when I was 16, and it makes my life a little more complicated," I said.

And just as soon as we got "SICK" out of the way, he started asking questions about my family. (I should have trusted my gut on the whole hiking idea. Nature brings out the deep!)

So I told him the truth: "My dad just got out of rehab for alcohol addiction, and we’re currently working on rebuilding our family after the years of destruction."

I suddenly wished I’d come down with the flu the hour before I got in the car to go on the hike. I felt like I’d brought one of those person-sized hiking backpacks and strapped it to my back, then started unloading one piece of my crap at a time. At first, I delicately took out each item and tried to space out the unloading into appropriate intervals. Then, at some point in our hike, I decided to dump the whole thing upside down and just put it all out there.

Hello, meet me and my baggage! Photo via iStock.

I wonder if our coffee date or dinner date or hike would have ever happened if I would have added to my online dating profile "I’m human. I have (a lot of) baggage."

But the problem is that we can’t stamp our baggage onto online profiles. Who would honestly swipe right to a profile that reads, "Sick. Addicted. Broken. Can’t wait to meet you!"

We live in a world of filters where we try to build a perfect image of ourselves online by sharing fake versions of our imperfect selves. And especially with online dating, we expect to find someone who’s as perfect as their profile looks. After stalking their polished profile, we meet them in person and then try to hide our disappointment. Because — guess what? — they’re human!

I know I’m not the only one who’s experienced this.

Most of us are just trying to find joy in the midst of our pain. We’re learning to love ourselves and love our lives despite all of life’s disappointments (especially the ones that make us want to hibernate for the winter). We’re all beautiful messes, just trying to make the best first impression we can.

Swiping right is a lot easier when someone looks "perfect." Photo via iStock.

But maybe we should go into online dating with lower – human? – expectations.

Maybe we should be looking for the brand of baggage we want to sign up for rather than trying to avoid people with baggage altogether.

Maybe we should remember that "normal" means wearing the scars of past heartbreaks.

And if you’re wondering what happened to me and Seth after that hike in the woods, he did stick around for the next round of dating; he even met all of my closest friends. But let’s just say it wasn’t exactly that match made in cyber heaven.

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Why it matters that this dating app took a stand for one of its users.

Online harassment is a real problem. This dating app is trying to fix it.

Online dating can be pretty hit or miss, as this chat between Ashley and Connor shows.

Sometimes people click; other times, they don't. In the case of Ashley and Connor, two users of the Bumble app, it's pretty safe to say they didn't hit it off. Ashley initiated contact with Connor, trying to make small talk about work — as one does.


Screenshots from Bumble.

It didn't exactly go well. Connor took offense to Ashley's question, "What do you do?" and it escalated from there.

Put off by the (pretty standard) question, Connor tore into Ashley, accusing her of "shamelessly attempting to pry into [his] career" and his earning power.



Screenshots from Bumble.

Whoa, buddy! Later in the conversation, he called her an "entitled, gold-digging whore," and accused her of pushing "this neo-liberal, Beyonce, feminist cancer which plagues society" on him before putting her down for presumably making less money than him.


Screenshots from Bumble.

It was awkward, pretty uncomfortable, and sadly, pretty common.

According to a 2013 Pew Research survey, 42% of women on online dating sites reported receiving "uncomfortable or bothersome" messages. Bumble tries to make this better by requiring that women send the first message. In doing this, they hope to sidestep some of this sort of harassment.

Image from Bumble, used with permission.

But after that particular exchange got posted to Twitter, the team at Bumble decided to craft an open letter for Connor and guys like him. It was awesome.

The whole thing can be read on Bumble's company blog, but here's a pretty choice section:

"While you may view this as 'neo-liberal, Beyonce, feminist-cancer,' and rant about the personal wounds you are trying to heal from classic 'entitled gold digging whores,' we are going to keep working. We are going to expand our reach and make sure that women everywhere receive the message that they are just as empowered in their personal lives as they are in the workplace. We are going to continue to build a world that makes small-minded, misogynist boys like you feel outdated."

They ended the note by telling Connor they hope he comes around, but that for the meantime, he's blocked from using the app. Boom.

GIF from C-SPAN.

Bumble's message was about so much more than just Ashley and Connor. It was about what's wrong with dating culture as a whole.

"The entire exchange made our skin crawl," a Bumble spokesperson told Upworthy. "He so blatantly represents the misogynist voice that argues against equality, and in turn, holds back anyone wanting to be treated as an equal. We feel like, as a society, we should be past the point of sexism. We know as an app, we can only do so much, but we are taking every opportunity we can to have a cultural impact and shed light on the right way to treat people."

Image from Bumble, used with permission.

They explained that the company's goal (aside from, you know, helping people land dates) is to fight online harassment and hold people accountable for their actions.

"Our hope is that by highlighting negative behavior, we can somehow, at least in a small way, promote kindness and show that being friendly, upbeat and nice actually gets people a higher chance of getting a date through our app."

"We are trying to level the playing field for women and in turn, take the pressure off of men's stereotypical roles in dating relationships. Our hope is that by highlighting negative behavior, we can somehow, at least in a small way, promote kindness and show that being friendly, upbeat, and nice actually gets people a higher chance of getting a date through our app."

No one should have to endure that kind of harassment and abuse. Not in person, not online — not even in dating apps. Thankfully, the Bumbles of the world are trying to make that a reality.

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