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mothers

Parenting

New mom films emotional message on her last day of maternity leave with twins

"I just don't feel ready physically and mentally."

Unsplash

Taking time off after having a baby is full of paradoxes. It can be strange, and a little boring and monotonous. It's jarring, especially for a busy career-oriented person, to suddenly be at home all the time doing laundry, dishes, and taking the occasional stroller walk. There's a part of you that gets restless and can't wait for it to be over. And that's why it's weird when dread kicks in the moment you realize your leave is almost up.

For many mothers, it can be hard to let go of that time with your baby — time you never really get back. Or, in some cases, babies.

One new mom of twins recently discussed the complicated emotions she was feeling on her very last day of maternity leave.

person's hand holding baby feet Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash

TikTok user Marissa Jeanne couldn't hold back her tears as she held her babies and tried to describe the emotional toll she was facing on the eve of her return to work.

“Today is my last day of maternity leave, and I go back to work tomorrow. And I just feel like I haven't had enough time with them," she began bluntly.

“I know I got longer than a lot of women get with three months, but I just don't feel ready physically and mentally. I feel like there's so much that you think that you are going to do on maternity leave. I think you're going to accomplish so many things and do so many things with your babies. And then here I am at the end and I'm like, ‘I didn't do any of that,' but I feel like I did do a lot of this and that's one of the most important things,” she says of cuddling her sleeping babies.

“I think the hardest part is it's just like such an abrupt change that you're with your babies all the time, and then you pick them up from daycare and you might just get a few hours with them. So that's just such an abrupt change, and it's really hard.”

Moms often get pigeonholed once their babies come into the world. People assure them that their priorities will shift and they'll probably stop caring about their career (a bias sometimes called the 'maternal wall' that causes all kinds of problems when it comes to hindering moms in their work). Marissa perfectly explained how it's possible, and quite common, to want both things at once — even if it's hard.

“I also love my career. I am proud of what I do, but there's always that mom guilt of you're not giving enough time to your kids, but you can't do it all. You can't give 100% to everything. I think that's something important to remember,” she says.

“I just feel so honored to be their mom and to have gotten the past three months with them. So I'm really grateful for that. For all the working moms out there, you're amazing. Yeah, you can't do it all, but you're doing the best that you can for your kids and that's all that matters.”

Watch the whole video from Marissa's TikTok here:

@marissa_jeanne
Last day of maternity leave and I am a mess. There’s nothing that prepares you for this day in your postpartum journey. #maternityleave #maternityleaveover #postpartumjourney #pospartum #3monthspostpartum #backtowork #workingmom #workingmoms #workingmomstruggles #twinmom

People in the comments were quick to point out: It doesn't have to be this way.

"Maternity leave in the US is way too short," one user wrote.

"Our instincts want us to say with the babies," said another.

"This breaks my heart! It's so unnatural for a mom to be separated from her tiny babies," added another user.

One person noted that since Marissa had twins, she should technically get double the time off. Hard to argue that one!

Other users were quick to share examples of how parental leave in other countries puts the US to shame.

In Germany, parents can take up to three years of leave without losing their jobs! It's unpaid, but parents may apply for an allowance from the government during that time, even if they had no prior income.

In Romania, parents are entitled to 126 days of leave at 85% of their prior pay.

Maternity leave in the UK can be up to a whopping 52 weeks, with 39 of those weeks being paid (starting at 90% of their average earnings and decreasing after 6 weeks). Canada? 15 weeks of paid leave (at only 55% pay, but still!) and an additional unpaid 35 weeks after that.

When you list it out like that, 3 months of unpaid leave is absolutely pathetic. But as Marissa's reaction points out, it's not just the pay.

First, there's the physical toll. Recovering from giving birth could take 6-8 weeks at a minimum, but probably much, much longer. So we're sending moms back to work when they've just barely gotten back on their feet.

And then, even worse, there's the emotional. When your babies are just a few weeks old, you're still deep in the bonding phase, and it's unimaginably jarring to have to cut it so short and drop them off at daycare so you can go back to work so soon. Plus, about 15% of moms will have postpartum depression, which can last for several years. And a whopping 85% will deal with the "baby blues" — hormonal fluctuations that occur after giving birth for several weeks and cause anxiety, crying, and temporary depression.

Most people would agree that 3 months is just really fast to be separated from brand new babies.

It's just sad that moms who work don't get a choice. If you're not ready to go back in 3 months, there's no guarantee that you could extend your leave and keep your job. Even if your family could handle the financial strain of a longer unpaid leave period, it's just not an option for most people. It makes new parents feel cornered and scared, and frustrated by a system that's setting them up to fail.

Luckily, things are steadily getting a little bit better, with more states adopting paid leave policies and more individual employers getting on board. Let's keep the momentum going, because we've got a long way to go.

From Your Site Articles

parenting

Family

Mom rips into husbands who expect their wives to do housework in crazy viral Facebook post

Can you do the dishes without being asked?

via Constance Hall/Facebook

Constance Hall asks for domestic equality.

It's the 21st century, and as a civilization, we've come a long way. No, there are no flying cars (yet), but we all carry tiny supercomputers in our pockets, can own drones, and can argue with strangers from all around the world as long as they have Internet access.

And yet, women are still having to ask their partners to help out around the house. What gives?

Recently, Blogger Constance Hall went on a highly-relatable rant about spouses assuming responsibility for housework, and women everywhere are all, "🙌 🙌 🙌 ."

Recently while bitching about the fact that I do absolutely everything around my house with a bunch of friends all singing "preach Queen", someone said to me "if you want help you need to be specific... ask for it. People need lists, they aren't mind readers."

So I tried that, asking.. specifics..

"Can you take the bin out?"

"Can you get up with the kids? I'm just a little tired after doing it on my own for 329 years"

"Can you go to woolies? I've done 3 loads of washing and made breaky, lunch, picked up all the kids school books, dealt with the floating shit in the pond."

And yeah, she was right... shit got done.But I was exhausted, just keeping the balls in the air.. remembering what needs to be asked to be done, constant nagging..And do you know what happened the minute I stopped asking...?

NOTHING. Again.

And so I've come to the conclusion that it's not your job to ask for help, it's not my job to write fucking lists.

We have enough god dam jobs and teaching someone how to consider me and my ridiculous work load is not one of them. Just do it. Just think about each other, what it takes to run the god dam house.

Is one of you working while the other puts up their feet? Is one of you hanging out with mates while the other peels the thirtieth piece of fruit for the day? Is one of you carrying the weight?

Because when the nagging stops, when the asking dies down, when there are no more lists....All your left with is silent resentment. And that my friends is relationship cancer..It's not up to anyone else to teach you consideration.

That's your job. Just do the fucking dishes without being asked once in a while mother fuckers.

Hall's post touches on the concept of emotional labor, which can be defined as "the process of managing feelings and expressions to fulfill the emotional requirements of a job."

In other words, although Hall's partner may be the one carrying out the tasks she assigns him, it is still Hall's job to be the "manager" of the household, and keep track of what things need to get done. And anyone who runs a household knows that juggling and keeping track of chores is just as exhausting as executing them. There's also the idea of being the "default parent." which, more often than not, tends to be mothers. It's a lot to handle.

At time of publication, Hall's post was shared nearly 100,000 times. That's a lot of frustrated ladies!

When your girl Far Kew sends you the perfect present. You will find this and more cunty cups on her facebook page 👌🏽
Posted by Constance Hall on Thursday, November 30, 2017

Women in the comments section seemed to overwhelmingly agree with Hall's post.

Let's all learn to share the load...laundry and otherwise.

This article originally appeared seven years ago.

From Your Site Articles

mothers

Family

The 3 things you learn after your mother dies.

Love you, Mom. ❤️

Image from Pixabay.

I still miss her.

My mother died from ovarian cancer when I was a young child.

I'm in my late 30s now, and I'm still navigating this loss as I move through life. I've lived most of my life without my mother at this point, but I still miss her.

Here are three things I've learned since losing Mam:

1. Grief is not linear and is not solely expressed through tears.

Someone you love has been taken away from you, and your heart has broken into pieces. It's natural to grieve, but we all grieve differently. Grief shows up in anger, sorrow, guilt, fear, and sometimes peace. It is unpredictable and, at times, exhausting.

I cried when my mother died, and I cried at her funeral when my school choir sang "Be Not Afraid." I didn't cry much in the immediate years that followed — not directly as a result of Mam's death, but probably indirectly related to it. I certainly felt fear and anger and other emotions related directly to my loss.

Then sadness hit me like a ton of bricks one day when I was in my early 20s. A compassionate friend asked me about Mam, and as I hadn't spoken about her to anyone outside the family, I broke down. It was a good release. The years have brought many stages of grieving.

Mother's Day is never easy. Shopping for my wedding dress without my mother brought up intense feelings of loss. And sometimes it just hits me hard, on a regular day, yanking me out of my pleasant thoughts. A mother in a dressing room with her daughter, and they're trying on clothes together, admiring how the other looks. The mother telling the daughter how beautiful she is.

Or a friend of mine, meeting her mother for lunch and I can't even imagine what that would be like! I can't even fathom the amazing joy of having lunch right now with Mam! And then I get that heaviness in my chest and my stomach feels bad.

There's no closure. My grieving stems from having loved so deeply. I have learned to tune into the emotions I'm feeling and to acknowledge the love, the pain, and the loss.

2. There are no replacements.

Nobody can replace your mother. We love our mothers in our own individual ways. Our mothers care for us when we're sick, guide us in life the best ways they can, listen to us, and love us unconditionally.

For a mother, her child is always her first priority. And we sense this. We feel it. We know it, even if she doesn't say it.

I was told that she called me her little angel.

Photo provided by author Carmel Breath.

My mother was beyond happy when I was born a healthy baby girl. I was told that she called me her little angel. She carried me in her womb for nine months.

By the time I was born, we had that unbreakable bond, and she knew me from that first second of my existence. There's never going to be a replacement for that person who loved me probably more than she loved herself. The joy in her eyes when she saw me, the warmth of her arms wrapped around me, the pain in her eyes when she had to say goodbye are all ways that I remember the deep love she had for me.

Mam prepared lunches for me every day to take to school, named muffins after me because they were my favorite, and surprised me with the best doll she could find when I was a few years old. She repaired my soft toys when they tore, taught me to have manners and sit up straight, wiped my eyes when I cried and my nose when I was sick.

Today I look for certain qualities in people. I look for a warmth, a radiance, a compassion and kindness that Mam had. I look for humor, a voice of sense, and strength of character. These are traits that my mother had. I find some of them in others.

But it's never the same. There'll never be another Mam. She's irreplaceable on so many levels.

3. There are other people who will love you and other people for you to love.

Family members and friends will love you. They might not know exactly what your needs are or how to address them, but it's worth reaching out to them. People struggle with different things.

Perhaps family members cannot love you or be there for you, and we may have to look around, let go, and reach further than we might want to in order to find the people who really love us, but there is someone out there to love you, and there's someone in need of your love.

I was blessed with the kindest, most devoted father who gave my brother and me all the love and care we needed. My dad is a gem in my life. He calls me to hear my news and to share his. He worries when I'm not feeling good and is overjoyed when I'm happiest. He listens to my concerns and trusts me to make the right decisions.

My dad has helped me so much in dealing with my loss, through caring for me and loving me unconditionally. I have the most wonderful fiancé who loves me to no end. And I've friends in my life who I know truly care about me.

I've been blessed with a lovely family, but it doesn't mean that I don't reach out to others. I've reconnected with old friends after years of distance. I've discovered things I have in common with others and opened up to new friendships.

Having people to love is truly healing. I was a kindergarten teacher for 10 years. I loved the children in my care, and they showed me so much love in return. By spreading love, we invite more love into our lives. Try volunteering or working in a school or a hospital. There are people everywhere in need of love.

Our world is so big and yet so small now in this age of technology. We can reach out to others across continents.

Our mothers were the first to show us the true meaning of love. In honor of our mothers, let's spread that love wherever we can.

This article originally appeared eight years ago.

From Your Site Articles

Education

Historian of infant feeding debunks myths about how babies ate in the pre-formula days

Not everyone breastfed before formula was invented.

Public Domain/Wikimedia Commons, Carla Cevasco, PhD/Twitter

Prior to baby formula, breastfeeding was the norm, but that doesn't mean it always worked.

As if the past handful of years weren't challenging enough, one of the most harrowing issues the U.S. dealt with recently was the baby formula crisis in 2022.

Due to a perfect storm of supply chain issues, product recalls, labor shortages, and inflation, manufacturers are struggling to keep up with formula demand and retailers are rationing supplies. As a result, families that rely on formula were scrambling to ensure that their babies get the food they need.

Naturally, people weighed in on the crisis, with some throwing out simplistic advice like, "Why don't you just do what people did before baby formula was invented and just breastfeed?"

That might seem logical, unless you understand how breastfeeding works and know a bit about infant mortality throughout human history.

Rutgers University historian Carla Cevasco, Ph.D. shared some of the history of infant feeding in a viral X (formerly Twitter) thread to set the record straight. (Note: Cevasco provided sources for her facts, which can be viewed at the end of her thread on Twitter.)

"You may be hearing the argument that before the rise of modern commercial infant formula, babies all ate breastmilk and everything was great," she wrote. "As a historian of infant feeding, let me tell you why that’s not true."

First of all, throughout history, people have at times needed to feed infants using foods other than breastmilk. For many reasons:
— Carla Cevasco, PhD (@Carla Cevasco, PhD) 1652312444

Cevasco explained that, throughout history, people have had to feed infants food other than breastmilk for a variety of reasons.

"Sometimes the birthing parent was unable to breastfeed," she wrote, "Because: death in childbirth, or physical/mental health concerns, or need to return to work outside the home right after childbirth, OR their partner or enslaver forced them not to breastfeed so that they could return to fertility ASAP after giving birth.

"Sometimes baby was unable to breastfeed. Because: poor latch, prematurity, cleft palate, other health or disability reasons, etc.

"Sometimes baby was being cared for by carers other than birthing parent, including adoptive parents."

So, feeding baby other people\u2019s breastmilk wasn\u2019t necessarily an ideal situation either, given the power dynamics of race, class, and gender in the past.
— Carla Cevasco, PhD (@Carla Cevasco, PhD) 1652312706

Cevasco went on to explain what babies ate instead of a parent's breast milk in those situations.

"Sometimes someone else would breastfeed the child," she wrote. "This might have been a relative or neighbor doing it for free. Or it might have been a paid or unpaid servant or enslaved person doing it at the expense of their own nursing infant, who might starve to death as a result."

She also explained that some babies thrived on alternative diets, which are not recommended today due to concerns about safety and nutrition.

"Wabanaki women in the 18th century sometimes fed infants a mixture of boiled walnuts, cornmeal, and water; an English colonist, Elizabeth Hanson, reported that her baby thrived on this diet," she wrote. "In early modern Europe, babies often ate pap or panada, mixtures of animal milk or water, bread crumbs or flour. Sometimes these were boiled, sometimes they weren’t."

However, she explained, those milk substitutes weren't always safe or nutritionally complete.

"So before the advent of modern commercial formula (in the 1950s), a lot of babies died of illness or starvation because they couldn’t breastfeed and the alternative foods were not safe or adequate," she wrote. "Let me repeat that: in the absence of modern formula, A LOT OF BABIES DIED OF ILLNESS OR STARVATION DUE TO LACK OF SAFE OR ADEQUATE FOOD."

As Cevasco illustrates, the idea that the pre-formula days were a bastion of infant health due to widespread breastfeeding is simply incorrect. Cevasco explained that better supports such as paid parental leave, free lactation consultation and education, better access to places to pump and so on, would go a long way toward increasing breastfeeding rates. She also pointed out that the greed of the corporate formula industry created the formula shortage crisis.

"But! Let’s not demonize formula because of an imagined past in which everyone breastfed," she wrote. "In the ACTUAL past, babies fucking starved and died of disease. Babies who would have survived today, because they would have had access to safe, nutritionally complete formula. Access that is now, horrifyingly and unjustly, under threat for many babies and their caregivers."

There will ALWAYS be people who need formula for a whole hosts of reasons.
— Carla Cevasco, PhD (@Carla Cevasco, PhD) 1652313204

Cevasco pointed out that there are multiple safe and nutritionally complete ways to feed a baby, and making sure babies don't go hungry should be our main goal.

So many misinformed comments could be avoided with a basic understanding of what infant feeding looked like in the past, as well as a basic understanding of how breastfeeding works both physically and logistically. Let's spend more time informing ourselves and sharing facts from experts rather than continuing to perpetuate unhelpful and harmful myths about both breastfeeding and formula feeding.

This article originally appeared three years ago.

From Your Site Articles

Family

People are mortified to find out how many moms daydream about being hospitalized

Yes, it's a real thing.

Canva, @emilykmay/X

Lying in bed and looking out the window with no one asking for anything? Yes, please.

It's hard to explain the relentless intensity of having young children if you haven't done it. It's wonderful, beautiful, magical and all of that—it truly is—but it's a lot. Like, a lot. It's a bit like running an ultramarathon through the most beautiful landscape you can imagine. There's no question that it's amazing, but it's really, really hard. And sometimes there are storms or big hills or obstacles or twisted ankles or some other thing that makes it even more challenging for a while.

Unfortunately, a lot of moms feel like they're running that marathon alone. Some actually are. Some have partners who don't pull their weight. But even with an equal partner, the early years tend to be mom-heavy, and it takes a toll. In fact, that toll is so great that it's not unusual for moms to fantasize about being hospitalized—not with anything serious, just something that requires a short stay—simply to get a genuine break.

In a thread on X (formerly Twitter), a mom named Emily shared this truth: "[I don't know] if the lack of community care in our culture is more evident than when moms casually say they daydream about being hospitalized for something only moderately serious so that they are forced to not have any responsibilities for like 3 days."

In a follow-up tweet, she added, "And other moms are like 'yeah totally' while childfree Gen Z girls’ mouths hang open in horror."

— (@)

Other moms corroborated, not only with the fantasy but the reality of getting a hospital break:

"And can confirm: I have the fondest memories of my appendicitis that almost burst 3 weeks after my third was born bc I emergency had to go get it taken out and I mean I let my neighbor take my toddlers and I let my husband give the baby formula, and I slept until I was actually rested. Under the knife, but still. It was really nice," wrote one mom.

"I got mastitis when my first was 4 months old. I had to have surgery, but my hospital room had a nice view, my mom came to see me, the baby was with me but other people mostly took care of her, bliss," shared another.

Some people tried to blame lackadaisical husbands and fathers for moms feeling overwhelmed, but as Emily pointed out, it's not always enough to have a supportive spouse. That's why she pointed to "lack of community care" in her original post.

— (@)

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but it also takes a village to raise a mother. Without the proverbial village, we end up bearing too much of the weight of childrearing ourselves. We're not just running the ultramarathon—we're also carrying the water, bandaging the blisters, moving fallen trees out of the way, washing the sweat out of our clothes—and we're doing it all without any rest.

Why don't moms just take a vacation instead of daydreaming about hospitalization? It's not that simple. Many people don't have the means for a getaway, but even if they do, there's a certain level of "mom guilt" that comes with purposefully leaving your young children. Vacations usually require planning and decision-making as well, and decision fatigue is one of the most exhausting parts of parenting.

Strange as it may seem, the reason hospitalization is attractive is that it's forced—if you're in the hospital, you have to be there, so there's no guilt about choosing to leave. It involves no decision-making—someone else is calling the all shots. You literally have no responsibilities in the hospital except resting—no one needs anything from you. And unlike when you're on vacation, most people who are caring for your kids when you're in the hospital aren't going to constantly contact you to ask you questions. They'll leave you to let you rest.

Paula Fitzgibbons shares that had three kids under the age of 3 in 11 months (two by adoption and one by birth). Her husband, despite being very involved and supportive, had a 1.5 hour commute for work, so the lion's share of childcare—"delightful utter chaos" as she refers to it—fell on her shoulders. At one point, she ended up in the ER with atrial fibrillation, and due to family medical history was kept in the hospital for a few days for tests and monitoring.

"When people came to visit me or called to see how I was, I responded that I was enjoying my time at 'the spa,' and though I missed my family, I was soaking it all in," she tells Upworthy. "My husband understood. Other mothers understood. The medical staff did not know what to make of my cheerful demeanor, but there I was, lying in bed reading and sleeping for four straight days with zero guilt. What a gift for a new mom."

When you have young children, your concept of what's relaxing shifts. I recall almost falling asleep during one of my first dental cleanings after having kids. That chair was so comfy and no one needed anything from me—I didn't even care what they were doing to my teeth. It felt like heaven to lie down and rest without any demands being made of me other than "Open a little wider, please."

Obviously, being hospitalized isn't ideal for a whole host of reasons, but the desire is real. There aren't a lot of simple solutions to the issue of moms needing a real break—not just an hour or two, but a few days—but maybe if society were structured in such a way that we had smaller, more frequent respites and spread the work of parenting across the community, we wouldn't feel as much of a desire to be hospitalized simply to be able to be able to rejuvenate.

This article originally appeared two years ago.

From Your Site Articles

mom life

Modern Families

Boy joyfully greeting his mom at daycare pickup for five years is the cutest compilation ever

That squeal of delight is just too precious.

@TeesePeese/Twitter

A mom shared five years of daycare pickups, with her son squealing in delight every time.

There is nothing more pure in this world than the love between a child and a caring parent. But even in the world of healthy attachments and strong family bonds, this viral video takes the cake. Twitter user @TeesePeese shared a compilation of highlights showing her son's reaction at daycare pickup, and it's seriously the most precious thing ever.

"I really do love this video," she wrote. "I recorded my son's pick up almost every day and this is his reaction every single time. For his 5th bday (yesterday) I took my favorites and made a lil compilation, from infancy to just last week." The squeals. The smiles. The skipping for joy. Gracious, it doesn't get any sweeter.

i really do love this video. i recorded my son\u2019s pick up almost every day and this is his reaction every single time. for his 5th bday (yesterday) i took my favorites and made a lil compilation, from infancy to just last week pic.twitter.com/8Hc7BjlBpF
— Teese (@Teese) 1635624659

Clearly that's a boy who adores his mama—and also has an adorable sense of enthusiasm.

Some new parents may worry that sending their child to daycare will negatively affect their child's attachment to them, but according to psychologist Noam Shpancer Ph.D, that worry is unfounded as long as the family environment is healthy at home.

"Available data indicate that, for most children, parental attachment processes are not disrupted by daycare participation," writes Shpancer. "Home variables, such as maternal sensitivity, are the strongest predictors of parent-child attachment, even for daycare children."

Clearly this kiddo's parent-child attachment hasn't suffered from being in daycare. Research also shows what common sense should also tell us—the quality of daycare matters.

Unfortunately, quality daycare can be prohibitively expensive, which is why the proposed affordable childcare provisions in the Build Back Better plan are a huge deal. Millions of parents have to work to support their families and middle-class American families spend an average of 14% of their income on childcare—double what the limit would be under the Build Back Better framework. And the U.S. is an outlier in this area. According to The New York Times, other wealthy nations contribute an average of $14,000 per year for a toddler's child care costs, while the U.S. contributes merely $500.

The virtues of stay-at-home motherhood versus working motherhood have been debated for decades, but no one can deny that childcare should be high quality and affordable whether a parent chooses to work or has to work. I was able to and chose to stay home during my kids' early childhoods, but I would be thrilled for my tax dollars to go toward helping all families get the support and childcare they need to make their individual situations work.

At any rate, love seeing kiddos loving on their mamas, especially ones with infectious grins and delight-filled squeals. Thanks for capturing your sweet boy's joy and sharing it with the rest of us @TeesePeese. You brought a smile to so many faces that needed it.

This article originally appeared four years ago.

From Your Site Articles

family

Family

12 hilariously relatable comics about life as a new mom.

Embarrassing stains on your T-shirt, sniffing someone's bum to check if they have pooped, the first time having sex post-giving birth — as a new mom, your life turns upside-down.

All illustrations by Ingebritt ter Veld. Reprinted here with permission.

Some good and not so good moments with babies.

Embarrassing stains on your T-shirt, sniffing someone's bum to check if they have pooped, the first time having sex post-giving birth — as a new mom, your life turns upside-down.

Illustrator Ingebritt ter Veld and Corinne de Vries, who works for Hippe-Birth Cards, a webshop for birth announcements, had babies shortly after one another.

In the series "#ThingsOnlyMomsKnow" Ingebritt and Corinne depict the reality of motherhood—with all the painful, funny, and loving moments not always talked about.