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The 3 things you learn after your mother dies.

Love you, Mom. ❤️

Image from Pixabay.

I still miss her.


My mother died from ovarian cancer when I was a young child.

I'm in my late 30s now, and I'm still navigating this loss as I move through life. I've lived most of my life without my mother at this point, but I still miss her.

Here are three things I've learned since losing Mam:

1. Grief is not linear and is not solely expressed through tears.

Someone you love has been taken away from you, and your heart has broken into pieces. It's natural to grieve, but we all grieve differently. Grief shows up in anger, sorrow, guilt, fear, and sometimes peace. It is unpredictable and, at times, exhausting.

I cried when my mother died, and I cried at her funeral when my school choir sang "Be Not Afraid." I didn't cry much in the immediate years that followed — not directly as a result of Mam's death, but probably indirectly related to it. I certainly felt fear and anger and other emotions related directly to my loss.

Then sadness hit me like a ton of bricks one day when I was in my early 20s. A compassionate friend asked me about Mam, and as I hadn't spoken about her to anyone outside the family, I broke down. It was a good release. The years have brought many stages of grieving.

Mother's Day is never easy. Shopping for my wedding dress without my mother brought up intense feelings of loss. And sometimes it just hits me hard, on a regular day, yanking me out of my pleasant thoughts. A mother in a dressing room with her daughter, and they're trying on clothes together, admiring how the other looks. The mother telling the daughter how beautiful she is.

Or a friend of mine, meeting her mother for lunch and I can't even imagine what that would be like! I can't even fathom the amazing joy of having lunch right now with Mam! And then I get that heaviness in my chest and my stomach feels bad.

There's no closure. My grieving stems from having loved so deeply. I have learned to tune into the emotions I'm feeling and to acknowledge the love, the pain, and the loss.

2. There are no replacements.

Nobody can replace your mother. We love our mothers in our own individual ways. Our mothers care for us when we're sick, guide us in life the best ways they can, listen to us, and love us unconditionally.

For a mother, her child is always her first priority. And we sense this. We feel it. We know it, even if she doesn't say it.

moms, daughter, parents, motherhood, love

I was told that she called me her little angel.

Photo provided by author Carmel Breath.

My mother was beyond happy when I was born a healthy baby girl. I was told that she called me her little angel. She carried me in her womb for nine months.

By the time I was born, we had that unbreakable bond, and she knew me from that first second of my existence. There's never going to be a replacement for that person who loved me probably more than she loved herself. The joy in her eyes when she saw me, the warmth of her arms wrapped around me, the pain in her eyes when she had to say goodbye are all ways that I remember the deep love she had for me.

Mam prepared lunches for me every day to take to school, named muffins after me because they were my favorite, and surprised me with the best doll she could find when I was a few years old. She repaired my soft toys when they tore, taught me to have manners and sit up straight, wiped my eyes when I cried and my nose when I was sick.

Today I look for certain qualities in people. I look for a warmth, a radiance, a compassion and kindness that Mam had. I look for humor, a voice of sense, and strength of character. These are traits that my mother had. I find some of them in others.

But it's never the same. There'll never be another Mam. She's irreplaceable on so many levels.

3. There are other people who will love you and other people for you to love.

Family members and friends will love you. They might not know exactly what your needs are or how to address them, but it's worth reaching out to them. People struggle with different things.

Perhaps family members cannot love you or be there for you, and we may have to look around, let go, and reach further than we might want to in order to find the people who really love us, but there is someone out there to love you, and there's someone in need of your love.

I was blessed with the kindest, most devoted father who gave my brother and me all the love and care we needed. My dad is a gem in my life. He calls me to hear my news and to share his. He worries when I'm not feeling good and is overjoyed when I'm happiest. He listens to my concerns and trusts me to make the right decisions.

My dad has helped me so much in dealing with my loss, through caring for me and loving me unconditionally. I have the most wonderful fiancé who loves me to no end. And I've friends in my life who I know truly care about me.

I've been blessed with a lovely family, but it doesn't mean that I don't reach out to others. I've reconnected with old friends after years of distance. I've discovered things I have in common with others and opened up to new friendships.

Having people to love is truly healing. I was a kindergarten teacher for 10 years. I loved the children in my care, and they showed me so much love in return. By spreading love, we invite more love into our lives. Try volunteering or working in a school or a hospital. There are people everywhere in need of love.


Our world is so big and yet so small now in this age of technology. We can reach out to others across continents.

Our mothers were the first to show us the true meaning of love. In honor of our mothers, let's spread that love wherever we can.


This article originally appeared on 3.5.17

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Family

The unexpected reason why this mom is totally fine with her 14-year-old teen stealing vodka

"This generation really is different from us."

via Antoni Shkraba/Pexels and Vincent/Flickr

A mother is shicked that her vodka keeps disappearing.

A mother of 3 named Stacey (@StaceyCKs1 on X) realized that a bottle of Grey Goose vodka she had was slowly being emptied, but she hadn’t taken a sip. So she thought it must be one of her children, ages 14, 17 and 23, taking some sneaky sips of her stash.

The funny thing is that anyone who has been a teenager knows that after you take some of the vodka from your parents’ bottle, you replace the amount with water so no one notices you drank some. Until, of course, your parents take a sip and immediately realize it’s been watered down. But whoever was pouring shots from Stacy’s bottle didn’t even worry about getting caught.

Stacey approached her 3 kids to find out which one had been drinking her vodka. The response she got was unexpected, to say the least. It was her 14-year-old daughter, but she wasn’t using the vodka to get drunk.

“Noticed that my vodka supply was dwindling,” she wrote on Twitter. “Confronted 23 and 17, who pointed the finger at 14, who guiltily confessed to making penne allá vodka ‘several times’ over the last month. Didn’t believe her, watched her execute it flawlessly. I guess it’s a TikTok thing?”

The teenager didn’t even try to hide the fact that she was cooking with the vodka. She didn’t “guilty confess”; she “answered the question,” Stackey remarked in the tweet thread. “She wasn’t trying to hide what she was doing. These kids are different than we were.”



To verify that the teen wasn’t lying, Stacey asked her to make some penne allá vodka and the teen “crushed it.” Some people in the comments wondered why she didn’t notice her daughter making elaborate meals in the kitchen. Stacey said the cooking happened while she was working or on the phone and that she doesn’t like pasta. Her daughter also made the meals in the morning to take to school for lunch.

Stacey shared a screenshot of her daughter’s delicious dish.



The mother also shared the recipe for the curious:

A shallot and some garlic sweated in olive oil and a tablespoon of butter, a can of tomato paste, some Calibri chilies, maybe 10 ounces of sand Marzano tomatoes, 2 cups of heavy cream, a cup of fresh parm, 2 tablespoons of vodka.

One person on Twitter had a problem with the teenager using supplies in the house without asking permission. They also had an issue with kids learning how to cook on TikTok. But Stacey wasn’t dealing with any parenting criticism.



It’s believed that Gen Z's recent fascination with penne allá vodka started when Gigi Hadid shared her spicy version of the recipe on Instagram in 2020. Since then, the dish has been called a TikTok “obsession.”

The dish's ubiquity was lampooned on “Saturday Night Live” earlier this year in a sketch, where a “big a**” aluminum platter can be found at just about any significant gathering, whether it's a wedding, bridal shower, or retirement party.

"A big a** aluminum tray of penne alla vodka [is] loved by none, but tolerated by all," Andrew Dismukes says in the sketch accompanied by his bride, Chloe Fineman, who adds, "Because it's not that good, but it's not that bad either."

"It may not stay hot, but it never gets all the way cold,” Keenaan Thompson says, playing a man at his retirement party.

- YouTubeyoutu.be

The story of Stacey and her pasta-loving daughter is a perfect example of a recent significant change in American culture: Young people drink much less than they used to. Stacey, who appears to be an older Millenial or younger Gen X, comes from an era when the majority of teens drank alcohol. However, things have changed.

A report in The Conversation has found that the proportion of 16 to 24-year-olds who drank alcohol “in the last week” fell from 67% in 2002 to 37% in 2021. The change is part of a generational trend where younger people are more risk-averse than older generations. Gen Zers are also less likely to smoke and have sex than previous generations.

If you’re a parent of a teenager in 2204 and your vodka starts going missing, maybe it’s time to check and see if your stash of penne is on the decline as well because your kid is probably more likely to be a secret chef than a drinker.

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Family

How young should kids start paying rent? Mom charges teenage son to have his own room.

Is he learning a lesson or getting taken advantage of?

via Alexander Grey/Unsplash and CottonBro Studio/Pexels

A mom counting her teenage son's rent money.

A single mother of 5, 4 boys and 1 girl, found herself in a bind. Her 16-year-old son was tired of sharing a room with his 14-year-old brother and wanted some privacy. The family lives in a 3-bedroom house, where mom gets a room and the youngest 3 siblings share one as well.

"Two months ago, my son and I were discussing his distaste for sharing a room with his brother and he said he'd drop out of school now if it meant he could move out into his own space," the mother wrote on Reddit's AITA forum. The teenager has a job and enough money to buy extras such as clothes, shoes and plenty of junk food.

"I told him I had looked at 4-bedroom rentals in our area, but they were just too expensive," the mom continued. "He asked if he could pay the difference if we did move. I told him no because during the school year all his money would be going to rent not his savings and his spending money. That obviously wouldn't sit right with me."

Eventually, the two came to a compromise. For $50 a month, he could have his mother's room. The mother would sleep on the pull-out couch and the other two rooms would be split among the other four siblings.

teen sleeping, rent, redditA teenage boy sleepingvia John-Mark Smith/Pexels

The mother is putting the money towards her Christmas fund, which will be used to pay for a summer trip after the holidays.

However, after talking to some of her friends, the mother began to have second thoughts about the arrangement. "They think I'm wrong for taking any amount of money from my kids, and a couple of them said I should have just given him the room without making him pay for it. They make some good points, and I don't totally disagree," she wrote.

So she asked the Reddit forum if she was in the wrong for charging her son.

mom, upset mom, mom on computerA distressed mom looks at her laptop.via Alexander Dummer/Pexels

The responses were pretty divided on the issue, but most thought the mother was right.

"There is a wild difference between charging your underage kids rent and accepting $50 a month (that is going back to the kids) so a growing teenager can have privacy. No other children are getting less, and no one is abused by any means. Not exactly an ideal solution, but tricky problems require unconventional solutions," one commenter wrote. "I like the life lesson you are imparting. For the people saying that it's so terrible that you are charging him rent, I don't see it that way. Your son wants his own room to which he is not entitled. He works, he earns his own money, and wants something which he values. You're making him do what all of us have to do to get the things we want in life: PAY FOR IT!"

However, a vocal group of people thought the mother was in the wrong, not for charging her teenage son, but for not giving the room to her daughter, who is 9 and shares a room with her 7-year-old brother.

mom, reddit, rentA young girl wearing a scarf.via Janko Ferlic/Pexels

"Why is she not the priority when it comes to having a separate bedroom or at least sharing with you? At 9, she is at an age where it may seem like she is okay sharing a room with her brothers but she probably isn't. Girls are starting puberty and becoming self-conscious of their bodies at that age. They shouldn't have to worry about sharing a bedroom with their brothers," a commenter wrote. "So your 9 yo daughter is sharing a room with her brother? It’s time to find a better solution for your family. Your daughter is of the age that she shouldn’t be sharing anymore with boys," another added.

Plenty of people also judged the mother for having 5 children in a 3-bedroom house, but since they don't know the story surrounding her family's circumstances, that critique should be off limits.

Ultimately, the commenters agreed that the mother is doing her best in a challenging circumstance. It has to be incredibly hard raising 5 children as a single parent. Keeping them all happy in such close quarters must constantly stress everyone. Further, it seems that the 16-year-old son has his own job and can’t wait to leave the house so that the tight situation will loosen up in a few years.

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Education

Historian of infant feeding debunks myths about how babies ate in the pre-formula days

Not everyone breastfed before formula was invented.

Public Domain/Wikimedia Commons, Carla Cevasco, PhD/Twitter

Prior to baby formula, breastfeeding was the norm, but that doesn't mean it always worked.

As if the past handful of years weren't challenging enough, the U.S. is currently dealing with a baby formula crisis.

Due to a perfect storm of supply chain issues, product recalls, labor shortages and inflation, manufacturers are struggling to keep up with formula demand and retailers are rationing supplies. As a result, families that rely on formula are scrambling to ensure that their babies get the food they need.

Naturally, people are weighing in on the crisis, with some throwing out simplistic advice like, "Why don't you just do what people did before baby formula was invented and just breastfeed?"

That might seem logical, unless you understand how breastfeeding works and know a bit about infant mortality throughout human history.

Rutgers University historian Carla Cevasco, Ph.D. shared some of the history of infant feeding in a viral Twitter thread to set the record straight. (Note: Cevasco provided sources for her facts, which can be viewed at the end of her thread on Twitter.)

"You may be hearing the argument that before the rise of modern commercial infant formula, babies all ate breastmilk and everything was great," she wrote. "As a historian of infant feeding, let me tell you why that’s not true."

Cevasco explained that, throughout history, people have had to feed infants food other than breastmilk for a variety of reasons.

"Sometimes the birthing parent was unable to breastfeed," she wrote, "Because: death in childbirth, or physical/mental health concerns, or need to return to work outside the home right after childbirth, OR their partner or enslaver forced them not to breastfeed so that they could return to fertility ASAP after giving birth.

"Sometimes baby was unable to breastfeed. Because: poor latch, prematurity, cleft palate, other health or disability reasons, etc.

"Sometimes baby was being cared for by carers other than birthing parent, including adoptive parents."

Cevasco went on to explain what babies ate instead of a parent's breast milk in those situations.

"Sometimes someone else would breastfeed the child," she wrote. "This might have been a relative or neighbor doing it for free. Or it might have been a paid or unpaid servant or enslaved person doing it at the expense of their own nursing infant, who might starve to death as a result."

She also explained that some babies thrived on alternative diets, which are not recommended today due to concerns about safety and nutrition.

"Wabanaki women in the 18th century sometimes fed infants a mixture of boiled walnuts, cornmeal, and water; an English colonist, Elizabeth Hanson, reported that her baby thrived on this diet," she wrote. "In early modern Europe, babies often ate pap or panada, mixtures of animal milk or water, bread crumbs or flour. Sometimes these were boiled, sometimes they weren’t."

However, she explained, those milk substitutes weren't always safe or nutritionally complete.

"So before the advent of modern commercial formula (in the 1950s), a lot of babies died of illness or starvation because they couldn’t breastfeed and the alternative foods were not safe or adequate," she wrote. "Let me repeat that: in the absence of modern formula, A LOT OF BABIES DIED OF ILLNESS OR STARVATION DUE TO LACK OF SAFE OR ADEQUATE FOOD."

As Cevasco illustrates, the idea that the pre-formula days were a bastion of infant health due to widespread breastfeeding is simply incorrect. Cevasco explained that better supports such as paid parental leave, free lactation consultation and education, better access to places to pump and so on, would go a long way toward increasing breastfeeding rates. She also pointed out that the greed of the corporate formula industry created the formula shortage crisis.

"But! Let’s not demonize formula because of an imagined past in which everyone breastfed," she wrote. "In the ACTUAL past, babies fucking starved and died of disease. Babies who would have survived today, because they would have had access to safe, nutritionally complete formula. Access that is now, horrifyingly and unjustly, under threat for many babies and their caregivers."

Cevasco pointed out that there are multiple safe and nutritionally complete ways to feed a baby, and making sure babies don't go hungry should be our main goal.

So many misinformed comments could be avoided with a basic understanding of what infant feeding looked like in the past, as well as a basic understanding of how breastfeeding works both physically and logistically. Let's spend more time informing ourselves and sharing facts from experts rather than continuing to perpetuate unhelpful and harmful myths about both breastfeeding and formula feeding.


This article originally appeared on 5.17.22

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