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Parenting

Psychologist shares the 3 things to say first when your child is upset about something

Dr. Becky says every parent needs to have these 3 lines in their toolbox.

Photo credit: Canva

It can be hard to know how to help a child who's upset about something

One of the unfortunate realities of parenting is that kids don't come with a manual. Sure, there are a bajillion parenting books out there, but anyone with more than one child knows that every kid is different, what works with one won't necessarily work with another, and parents frequently find themselves at a loss for how to handle the thousands of scenarios that pop up as you go through your parenting journey.

However, that doesn't mean expertise doesn't exist. Psychologists that specialize in children and families do have some insights into healthy child development and relationship dynamics, so it's worth taking advice from them when you feel completely at a loss. Like, for instance, when your child comes to you upset about something.

parenting, motherhood, fathernood, when your child is upset, dr. becky kennedyHelping kids become resilient is an ongoing process.Photo credit: Canva

As an adult, you may have more wisdom and perspective than your child. You might feel like they are overreacting or that they don't really have a good reason to be upset. Or, your kiddo may express their emotions with much more intensity than you do and you aren't sure how to navigate that. You worry you might say something that makes the situation worse.

Dr. Becky Kennedy, better known as "Dr. Becky," is a clinical psychologist and parenting coach who has become a popular voice of reason for today's generation of young parents. As a mom of three kids herself, she has not only the academic knowledge to back up her advice, but also the boots-on-the-ground experience that gives her credibility beyond just the letters behind her name and book titles under her belt.

In an interview with author and podcaster Lewis Howes, Dr. Becky shared the three lines she says every parent needs to have in their tool belt for when their child is upset.

#1. "I'm so glad you're talking to me about this."

"If I were to put this in an adult context, if I was like, 'I'm so mad at my husband, he never, whatever, he never is home for bedtime, and he forgot the one thing I said," said Dr. Becky. "And if I was like, 'Hey, you're never doing anything around the house, and I am really frustrated.' If he said to me, 'You know, Becky, you're upset but I'm so glad you're telling me about this,' I'd be like, 'I think we're good now. Like I don't even know—What was I upset about?' Because what someone's really saying to you when they says that is, 'This feeling in you that you're feeling is real, and I still want to be in a relationship with you when you're feeling that way.'"

In other words, they get the message that they are loved and accepted even when they're expressing upset or anger or hurt.

"Our kids need to absorb from us, from a resilience perspective, 'My parent can tolerate this part of me before I learn to tolerate this part of me.'"

#2. "I believe you."

Dr. Becky says this is the one line that's probably the most healing in people's childhoods and the most confidence-building.

She clarifies that it doesn't mean you believe everything a child says in their upset state. If they say, "It's so embarrassing, I'm never going to school again," it doesn't mean you believe they're really never going to go back to school. It means you believe that's how they feel. You're saying, "I believe it feels that bad."

"We actually say to our kids all the time, which terrifies me, 'I don't believe you,'" Dr. Becky said. "And if we wonder why people don't trust their emotions, it's because when they felt emotions that were strong, they received—not one time but over and over—a message of 'I know your feelings better than you know your feelings.'"

parenting, motherhood, fathernood, when your child is upset, dr. becky kennedy"I believe you" is a simple but powerful phrase.Photo credit: Canva

She explained that trusting your feelings becomes important in situations like when someone's pressuring you to do something you don't really want to do, giving a hypothetical example of her own daughter being in college and not wanting to go home with someone.

#3. "Tell me more."

Drawing out the full story, acknowledging and empathizing with the details that led your child to feel the way they do is important. Dr. Becky demonstrated how she would repeat back each detail as her child told a story, expressing hurt or embarrassment along with them as the story went on.

"And now, in all these moments that my kid was in pain—which, by the way, part of the pain is probably that they were alone—I'm kind of infusing myself in every moment," she explained. "I'm adding connection. I'm adding believing."

When you talk through an upsetting incident with a child this way, they're often ready to move on before you are, she said. They know that when they need you, they can always come back, and that's really what every parent wants—for our kids to know they can come to us when they need us, but for them to go out and live and learn on their own until they do.

You can follow Dr. Becky for more parenting wisdom on Instagram and TikTok.

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parenting
Family

Mom rips into husbands who expect their wives to do housework in crazy viral Facebook post

Can you do the dishes without being asked?

via Constance Hall/Facebook

Constance Hall asks for domestic equality.

It's the 21st century, and as a civilization, we've come a long way. No, there are no flying cars (yet), but we all carry tiny supercomputers in our pockets, can own drones, and can argue with strangers from all around the world as long as they have Internet access.

And yet, women are still having to ask their partners to help out around the house. What gives?

Recently, Blogger Constance Hall went on a highly-relatable rant about spouses assuming responsibility for housework, and women everywhere are all, "🙌 🙌 🙌 ."


Recently while bitching about the fact that I do absolutely everything around my house with a bunch of friends all singing "preach Queen", someone said to me "if you want help you need to be specific... ask for it. People need lists, they aren't mind readers."

So I tried that, asking.. specifics..

"Can you take the bin out?"

"Can you get up with the kids? I'm just a little tired after doing it on my own for 329 years"

"Can you go to woolies? I've done 3 loads of washing and made breaky, lunch, picked up all the kids school books, dealt with the floating shit in the pond."

And yeah, she was right... shit got done.But I was exhausted, just keeping the balls in the air.. remembering what needs to be asked to be done, constant nagging..And do you know what happened the minute I stopped asking...?

NOTHING. Again.

And so I've come to the conclusion that it's not your job to ask for help, it's not my job to write fucking lists.

We have enough god dam jobs and teaching someone how to consider me and my ridiculous work load is not one of them. Just do it. Just think about each other, what it takes to run the god dam house.

Is one of you working while the other puts up their feet? Is one of you hanging out with mates while the other peels the thirtieth piece of fruit for the day? Is one of you carrying the weight?

Because when the nagging stops, when the asking dies down, when there are no more lists....All your left with is silent resentment. And that my friends is relationship cancer..It's not up to anyone else to teach you consideration.

That's your job. Just do the fucking dishes without being asked once in a while mother fuckers.

Hall's post touches on the concept of emotional labor, which can be defined as "the process of managing feelings and expressions to fulfill the emotional requirements of a job."

In other words, although Hall's partner may be the one carrying out the tasks she assigns him, it is still Hall's job to be the "manager" of the household, and keep track of what things need to get done. And anyone who runs a household knows that juggling and keeping track of chores is just as exhausting as executing them. There's also the idea of being the "default parent." which, more often than not, tends to be mothers. It's a lot to handle.

At time of publication, Hall's post was shared nearly 100,000 times. That's a lot of frustrated ladies!

When your girl Far Kew sends you the perfect present. You will find this and more cunty cups on her facebook page 👌🏽
Posted by Constance Hall on Thursday, November 30, 2017

Women in the comments section seemed to overwhelmingly agree with Hall's post.

Let's all learn to share the load...laundry and otherwise.


This article originally appeared seven years ago.

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mothers
Family

The 3 things you learn after your mother dies.

Love you, Mom. ❤️

Image from Pixabay.

I still miss her.


My mother died from ovarian cancer when I was a young child.

I'm in my late 30s now, and I'm still navigating this loss as I move through life. I've lived most of my life without my mother at this point, but I still miss her.

Here are three things I've learned since losing Mam:

1. Grief is not linear and is not solely expressed through tears.

Someone you love has been taken away from you, and your heart has broken into pieces. It's natural to grieve, but we all grieve differently. Grief shows up in anger, sorrow, guilt, fear, and sometimes peace. It is unpredictable and, at times, exhausting.

I cried when my mother died, and I cried at her funeral when my school choir sang "Be Not Afraid." I didn't cry much in the immediate years that followed — not directly as a result of Mam's death, but probably indirectly related to it. I certainly felt fear and anger and other emotions related directly to my loss.

Then sadness hit me like a ton of bricks one day when I was in my early 20s. A compassionate friend asked me about Mam, and as I hadn't spoken about her to anyone outside the family, I broke down. It was a good release. The years have brought many stages of grieving.

Mother's Day is never easy. Shopping for my wedding dress without my mother brought up intense feelings of loss. And sometimes it just hits me hard, on a regular day, yanking me out of my pleasant thoughts. A mother in a dressing room with her daughter, and they're trying on clothes together, admiring how the other looks. The mother telling the daughter how beautiful she is.

Or a friend of mine, meeting her mother for lunch and I can't even imagine what that would be like! I can't even fathom the amazing joy of having lunch right now with Mam! And then I get that heaviness in my chest and my stomach feels bad.

There's no closure. My grieving stems from having loved so deeply. I have learned to tune into the emotions I'm feeling and to acknowledge the love, the pain, and the loss.

2. There are no replacements.

Nobody can replace your mother. We love our mothers in our own individual ways. Our mothers care for us when we're sick, guide us in life the best ways they can, listen to us, and love us unconditionally.

For a mother, her child is always her first priority. And we sense this. We feel it. We know it, even if she doesn't say it.

mother holding her baby girl

I was told that she called me her little angel.

Photo provided by author Carmel Breath.

My mother was beyond happy when I was born a healthy baby girl. I was told that she called me her little angel. She carried me in her womb for nine months.

By the time I was born, we had that unbreakable bond, and she knew me from that first second of my existence. There's never going to be a replacement for that person who loved me probably more than she loved herself. The joy in her eyes when she saw me, the warmth of her arms wrapped around me, the pain in her eyes when she had to say goodbye are all ways that I remember the deep love she had for me.

Mam prepared lunches for me every day to take to school, named muffins after me because they were my favorite, and surprised me with the best doll she could find when I was a few years old. She repaired my soft toys when they tore, taught me to have manners and sit up straight, wiped my eyes when I cried and my nose when I was sick.

Today I look for certain qualities in people. I look for a warmth, a radiance, a compassion and kindness that Mam had. I look for humor, a voice of sense, and strength of character. These are traits that my mother had. I find some of them in others.

But it's never the same. There'll never be another Mam. She's irreplaceable on so many levels.

3. There are other people who will love you and other people for you to love.

Family members and friends will love you. They might not know exactly what your needs are or how to address them, but it's worth reaching out to them. People struggle with different things.

Perhaps family members cannot love you or be there for you, and we may have to look around, let go, and reach further than we might want to in order to find the people who really love us, but there is someone out there to love you, and there's someone in need of your love.

I was blessed with the kindest, most devoted father who gave my brother and me all the love and care we needed. My dad is a gem in my life. He calls me to hear my news and to share his. He worries when I'm not feeling good and is overjoyed when I'm happiest. He listens to my concerns and trusts me to make the right decisions.

My dad has helped me so much in dealing with my loss, through caring for me and loving me unconditionally. I have the most wonderful fiancé who loves me to no end. And I've friends in my life who I know truly care about me.

I've been blessed with a lovely family, but it doesn't mean that I don't reach out to others. I've reconnected with old friends after years of distance. I've discovered things I have in common with others and opened up to new friendships.

Having people to love is truly healing. I was a kindergarten teacher for 10 years. I loved the children in my care, and they showed me so much love in return. By spreading love, we invite more love into our lives. Try volunteering or working in a school or a hospital. There are people everywhere in need of love.


Our world is so big and yet so small now in this age of technology. We can reach out to others across continents.

Our mothers were the first to show us the true meaning of love. In honor of our mothers, let's spread that love wherever we can.


This article originally appeared eight years ago.

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Education

Historian of infant feeding debunks myths about how babies ate in the pre-formula days

Not everyone breastfed before formula was invented.

Public Domain/Wikimedia Commons, Carla Cevasco, PhD/Twitter

Prior to baby formula, breastfeeding was the norm, but that doesn't mean it always worked.

As if the past handful of years weren't challenging enough, one of the most harrowing issues the U.S. dealt with recently was the baby formula crisis in 2022.

Due to a perfect storm of supply chain issues, product recalls, labor shortages, and inflation, manufacturers are struggling to keep up with formula demand and retailers are rationing supplies. As a result, families that rely on formula were scrambling to ensure that their babies get the food they need.

Naturally, people weighed in on the crisis, with some throwing out simplistic advice like, "Why don't you just do what people did before baby formula was invented and just breastfeed?"

That might seem logical, unless you understand how breastfeeding works and know a bit about infant mortality throughout human history.

Rutgers University historian Carla Cevasco, Ph.D. shared some of the history of infant feeding in a viral X (formerly Twitter) thread to set the record straight. (Note: Cevasco provided sources for her facts, which can be viewed at the end of her thread on Twitter.)

"You may be hearing the argument that before the rise of modern commercial infant formula, babies all ate breastmilk and everything was great," she wrote. "As a historian of infant feeding, let me tell you why that’s not true."

Cevasco explained that, throughout history, people have had to feed infants food other than breastmilk for a variety of reasons.

"Sometimes the birthing parent was unable to breastfeed," she wrote, "Because: death in childbirth, or physical/mental health concerns, or need to return to work outside the home right after childbirth, OR their partner or enslaver forced them not to breastfeed so that they could return to fertility ASAP after giving birth.

"Sometimes baby was unable to breastfeed. Because: poor latch, prematurity, cleft palate, other health or disability reasons, etc.

"Sometimes baby was being cared for by carers other than birthing parent, including adoptive parents."

Cevasco went on to explain what babies ate instead of a parent's breast milk in those situations.

"Sometimes someone else would breastfeed the child," she wrote. "This might have been a relative or neighbor doing it for free. Or it might have been a paid or unpaid servant or enslaved person doing it at the expense of their own nursing infant, who might starve to death as a result."

She also explained that some babies thrived on alternative diets, which are not recommended today due to concerns about safety and nutrition.

"Wabanaki women in the 18th century sometimes fed infants a mixture of boiled walnuts, cornmeal, and water; an English colonist, Elizabeth Hanson, reported that her baby thrived on this diet," she wrote. "In early modern Europe, babies often ate pap or panada, mixtures of animal milk or water, bread crumbs or flour. Sometimes these were boiled, sometimes they weren’t."

However, she explained, those milk substitutes weren't always safe or nutritionally complete.

"So before the advent of modern commercial formula (in the 1950s), a lot of babies died of illness or starvation because they couldn’t breastfeed and the alternative foods were not safe or adequate," she wrote. "Let me repeat that: in the absence of modern formula, A LOT OF BABIES DIED OF ILLNESS OR STARVATION DUE TO LACK OF SAFE OR ADEQUATE FOOD."

As Cevasco illustrates, the idea that the pre-formula days were a bastion of infant health due to widespread breastfeeding is simply incorrect. Cevasco explained that better supports such as paid parental leave, free lactation consultation and education, better access to places to pump and so on, would go a long way toward increasing breastfeeding rates. She also pointed out that the greed of the corporate formula industry created the formula shortage crisis.

"But! Let’s not demonize formula because of an imagined past in which everyone breastfed," she wrote. "In the ACTUAL past, babies fucking starved and died of disease. Babies who would have survived today, because they would have had access to safe, nutritionally complete formula. Access that is now, horrifyingly and unjustly, under threat for many babies and their caregivers."

Cevasco pointed out that there are multiple safe and nutritionally complete ways to feed a baby, and making sure babies don't go hungry should be our main goal.

So many misinformed comments could be avoided with a basic understanding of what infant feeding looked like in the past, as well as a basic understanding of how breastfeeding works both physically and logistically. Let's spend more time informing ourselves and sharing facts from experts rather than continuing to perpetuate unhelpful and harmful myths about both breastfeeding and formula feeding.


This article originally appeared three years ago.

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