motherhood

Parents are people, too. Despite shouldering the immense and constant responsibility of raising kids, we have bad days like anyone else. We get sad, frustrated, dejected, and angry. And yet, we can't disappear to go process our emotions, not when the kids need breakfast, and help getting dressed, and dinner, and bedtime.

Kids are self-centered by nature, but they're smart enough to know when we're struggling. And often, they want to help us feel better. Sometimes it's with a hug, an "I love you," or by drawing us a picture to cheer us up. These are moments most parents cherish. Adorable, right?

One expert says that this sweet "cheering-up" behavior may be cute in little kids, but it's not something parents should encourage.

Jaclyn Williams is clinical mental health counseling grad student specializing in children and adolescents and posts on social media under Breakingcycles.co. She recently posted a gut-punch of a reel to Instagram that had a lot of parents rethinking how they view their children's displays of empathy.

"Your kiddo tries to comfort you when you're upset..." the caption reads. "It feels sweet but here's what you need to do."

"Your kid sees you're stressed and says: 'Don't be sad, Mom!'" the post continues. "Your instinct: Let them comfort you. It's sweet. It shows they care. But here's what's happening in their nervous system... They're learning that YOUR emotional state is their responsibility to manage."

It's a topic Williams discusses often on social media. In another Facebook post, she elaborates on what's really happening and how that adorable, innocent behavior might evolve as your kids grow into teenagers and young adults. She says that what feels like love when your child is five can feel like a huge burden on them when they're 15:

Age 5: "Don't be sad, Mommy! Look, I drew you a picture!"
Age 15: Panic attacks when anyone's upset because they feel responsible for everyone's emotions
Age 5: Never complains when you seem stressed
Age 15: Can't advocate for their needs without crushing guilt about being "selfish"
Age 5: "So mature" and "emotionally wise beyond their years"
Age 15: Chronic anxiety from carrying emotional weight that was never theirs

It's not just Williams' opinion or her experience with her own teenage children. It's what she sees in her practice day in and day out:

"I started seeing... kids coming in with anxiety, people-pleasing, perfectionism. And when I'd trace it back—it started with them trying to make their parents feel better when they were little. We all think... 'They're so sweet. So empathetic.' Actually? They're working. Trying to regulate US."

Parents have strong, visceral reactions to Williams' advice whenever she posts about the topic. One instance even had over a million views on Facebook:

"Wish more parents knew this," one commenter wrote. "My parents didn’t and [now] I’m so hyper aware of the emotions of everyone around me. My poor fiancé can’t be in any type of mood without me immediately picking up on it and asking him what’s wrong."

"I'm literally healing from this EXACT thing, down to the letter," said another. "Learning how to regulate, to know my worth doesn't have to be earned, to find my identity, to set boundaries. Its been a WILD ride"

But that doesn't mean the posts haven't generated their share of debate. Not everyone agrees with Williams' words, with many commenters arguing that it's a good thing when kids show empathy and kindness to others, and that it's not something we should squash.

"Some modeling of comforting is natural and healthy bc they are learning from you how to respond when someone is upset. By stopping their comfort I worry that you're teaching them that mom has to be strong and always make it about other people," one commenter suggested.

Williams agrees that empathy and compassion are important skills to nurture, but clarifies that children should never feel like it's their "job" to make sure adults feel better. She says you can gently redirect them in a way that doesn't dismiss their kindness by saying something like:

"Hey I really love that you're checking in and helping me feel better, thank you so much! I'm gonna go call [your aunt] or go for a walk with dad about it cause it's some grown up stuff that you don't need to worry about."

In fact, she offers slightly different scripts parents can use depending on how old their kids are:

Ages 4-7: "Mom's having some big feelings, but I'm taking care of them. This isn't your job. Want to go play while I take some deep breaths?"

Ages 8-12: "I'm stressed about some grown-up stuff, but I'm handling it with Dad/my friend. You don't need to worry about me. This isn't yours to carry."

Ages 13-18: "I appreciate you noticing I'm stressed. I'm working through it. You don't need to fix it or manage it. That's not your responsibility."

It's not about hiding negative feelings or pretending everything's fine. It's about drawing the correct boundaries between child and adult, teaching them how to recognize and label emotions, and most importantly, modeling how to deal with them. Today's Parent writes, for example, that it's OK to cry in front of your kids—as long as you describe what you're going to do about feeling sad, like taking some quiet time, or going for a walk.

"Emotional parentification" is a concept that refers to children taking care of their parents emotionally, often far before they're ready to do so.

It's sweet when they make you a "cheer up" card, but it shouldn't be happening all the time. Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Psychology Today writes, "Emotionally parentified kids learn that it is their job to grow up fast and swallow their own emotional and developmental needs to keep the peace at home and manage their parents. These kids may get 'so mature for their age' or 'so low maintenance.' While meant as a compliment, these phrases simply describe children who were asked to bypass their own developmentally appropriate role of child to become a little grown-up. And those roles take a toll."

The toll being far higher instances of anxiety and depression as they grow up, among other adverse effects. If you've ever wondered how people-pleasers are born, this is one way.

"Boundaries are what sets empathy/compassion apart from people-pleasing," Williams says. "Which is what can happen to these littles when they get older, they get really validated and praised for taking such good care of everyone, they might feel like it's their job/responsibility and instead of being able to advocate and take care of their own needs, they're stuck people-pleasing everyone else."

A sweet gesture from your kid every now and then is just that—sweet. But Williams and other parenting experts warn not to let it become a pattern.