"Fill you own cup" is good advice for nearly every situation, isn't it?
Listen, not every mother-in-law disregards boundaries, questions their kid’s parenting styles, tries to manipulate, and so on and so forth. But there’s a reason why the stereotype exists. Plenty have their own horror stories of being on the receiving end of toxic MIL behavior.
But for those wanting to avoid being that stereotype, Janelle Marie, or @millennialmatleave on TikTok believes that she has found the “key.” And it’s all about “filling your own cup.”
“Fill your dang cup. Something outside of your children that makes you feel good, makes you feel fulfilled, makes you feel happy,” Janelle begins in a TikTok.
That means that besides devoting your identity towards nurturing kids, you should be “nurturing” your marriage, as well as other relationships, like friendships, she notes.
“I unfortunately feel like a number of mothers-in-law that are feeling really confused about this role of mother-in-law or dissatisfied with the role of mother-law, and it ends up meaning that they act in a way that comes across as desperate or controlling or with guilt trips — women who don’t have enough going on outside of their relationship and their role as a mom. And so when their kids grow up, they’re ill-equipped to replace that relationship with other things.”
Janelle concludes by acknowledging it’s “easier said than done,” and reiterates that she isn’t trying to place blame, but rather just point out that “it’s something we need to be aware of.”
A mother-in-law eavesdropping. Photo credit: Canva
Down in the comments, folks seem to clearly resonate with Janell’s stance—many have MILs of their own who could really benefit from a hobby or friend circle.
“My MIL’s hobby was getting into my marriage,” quipped one viewer.
“My toxic mother in law has had zero friends in the 18 years I’ve known her,” said another.
A few MILs even chimed in. One shared, “I noticed I got too involved/emotional/bothered by my son’s relationship and immediately looked in the mirror! Poured that energy into my marriage, friends, and hobbies.”
“OMG, you’re right,” reflected another. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a good MIL, I don’t meddle or overstep, but boy do I struggle. I definitely need to get a hobby!”
As we know, it can be hard for any mom to not lose themselves in the demands of raising a child. And only up until recently were women allowed by society to see themselves as anything beyond being a mother. Self care is also a fairly new concept for everyone. So it is understandable that many MILs find themselves in this struggle without proper coping mechanisms.
But still, if the goal really is to maintain loving, healthy family relationships, it’s crucial to be mindful of any self sabotaging behaviors, and continuity working through those insecurities. That goes for MILs and non-MILs alike.
A couple with their mother/mother-in-lawPhoto credit: Canva
For those looking to be the best mother-in-law they can be, here are a few pieces of advice:
Don't make it about you
It can be difficult to accept that you might not be the #1 woman in your kid’s life anymore, but it’s important both for you and the couple that those potential feelings of rejection get reframed. After all, there's truly no love lost.
Use your words to uplift, not criticize
Words are powerful. Use them wisely. A little complement now and then goes a long way.
Back off
Let the couple raise their kids, and solve their problems, as they see fit. Trust that you can let them handle their own. Even when intentions are good, offers of help without being asked for it can be seen as criticism.
Invite and Include
Leaving people out leads to resentment. Always invite kids and their spouses to join performances, graduations, birthday celebrations, and other family events, whether or not you think they want to or can attend.
And, of course…fill your own cup.
This article originally appeared last year.
Mom-in-law went above and beyond to answer the sick family's call.