Woman says, 'Stop it, right there."
It can be exceedingly hurtful when someone intentionally calls you by the wrong name because it’s tied to your identity. It shows that the other person isn’t concerned about your wishes or cares enough to put in the time to get your name right. It's also just plain rude.
"[Getting names wrong] can go under the radar for a lot of individuals. Other people can see it as, 'oh, it's not that big of a deal,'" Myles Durkee, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Michigan, told the BBC. "What makes it detrimental is the chronic pattern of doing this consistent mispronunciation. And the ripple effects from that are much more adverse, signalling to the individual that they're less important, that they're less valued."
Alyssa, 34, made the case that you don't need to explain your anger when someone calls you the wrong name for years. Alyssa recently had to put her foot down when her 62-year-old mother blatantly called her by a name she hadn’t liked since she was a teenager.
“When I was a child, my parents started using a nickname variant for me (Lyssy vs Alyssa). I have been expressing open distaste for this since I was 15, but I let my family continue using it for a while (because they're family) until about five years ago when I started actively and consistently correcting them. I deeply despise this nickname as it feels patronizing as an adult and they all know that,” Alyssa wrote.
An upset teenager.via Canva/Photos
The situation came to a head on Alyssa’s birthday, which she celebrated with her younger brother, Toby, at her parents' house.
“As we're finishing up dinner and discussing [Christmas plans], my mother starts, ‘Toby, you and Lyssy can…’ and I interject with ‘Alyssa.’ It's at this point my mother slams her hands on the table and says, ‘You know what? F*** Christmas!’ and storms off to her room,” Alyssa wrote.
The mother wouldn’t leave her room, even when it was time to cut the cake and sing “Happy Birthday” to Alyssa. Alyssa refused to go to her mother’s room and talk about the disagreement because she made it clear did not want to be called Lyssa.
The father took mom’s side and said she used the wrong name because she has chronic pain and hasn’t been sleeping well.
“Just before I walk out, [Toby] says, ‘Alyssa, stop looking for reasons to hate Mom.’ I've never felt white hot rage flare through me like that, but I held back from cursing him out and just left,” she wrote. Alyssa asked the Reddit forum where she posed her story if she was in the wrong for refusing to smooth things over with her mom.
An upset mother. via Canva/Photos
The commenters overly supported Alyssa for drawing a line in the sand. “You are a 34-year-old adult and everybody around you needs to stop calling you names you don't want to be called. It's not a big demand and your end, and it's not a big burden on their end,” one commenter wrote. “Mix-ups happen, but getting angry after making a mistake and holding a grudge for being corrected is toddler behaviour,” another wrote, criticizing the mother.
“I don't see how chronic pain makes it more difficult to pronounce your name correctly. Your name perfectly reasonable to expect everyone to use it. Your correction was very low-key,” another commenter wrote.
However, there were a few people who thought that the mother’s chronic pain may have played a role in her calling the wrong name. “I'm not excusing the mom, but chronic pain can cause something called ‘brain fog,’ and part of that is issues with words,” they wrote. “I suffer from chronic pain due to an autoimmune disorder. I forget words, dates, phone numbers, etc., all the time. You know what I don't forget? My own child's name,” another commenter clarified.
Ultimately, people’s names are precious to them and people think it’s understandable to be angry if someone calls you by the wrong one for years. The mom could have slipped up because she was dealing with brain fog. But if that was the case, why didn’t she just apologize?