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Mom has 4 big reasons why people shouldn’t 'shame' parents who send their kids to daycare

"I see her more than her daycare teacher sees her."

via Canva

Children playing at a daycare

There’s a popular sentiment among some stay-at-home parents and those with a family member taking care of their kids that it’s better than sending them to daycare. One common criticism is that parents who send their kids to daycare are letting other people raise their children.

This causes many parents to feel ashamed that they can’t be there for their children during the day.

However, Veronica, a mother of two, believes that stay-at-home moms who shame those who send their kids to daycare must stop perpetuating this myth because there are some great benefits that kids get out of daycare.

Veronica shared why that “narrative” needs to be reconsidered in a viral TikTok video with over 56,000 views.

@vfrieds

Giving parents guilt for daycare is CRAZY #daycare #momguilt #workingmom #daycarelife #workingparent

“I hate the narrative that if you send your kids to daycare, you're not raising them,” Veronica begins the video. “And people are like, ‘Oh, you know, we made some sacrifice. My kid used to have fun at Water Day, but now we go to the water park together’ and she's better for it,’” she said.

Then she shared four big reasons why parents need to stop daycare-shaming.

1. Not all parents can stay home

“One, that's not an option for every family. So, stop making moms feel like crap because they send their kids to daycare.”

2. Kids have fun at daycare

"Two, my kid freaking loves Water Day and daycare. In fact, she gets pissed when I pick her up 'cause she's having fun with her friends.'"

3. Kids learn a lot at daycare

“Three, she's so smart because they teach her so many things there. So smart.”

4. You don’t have to be either/or

“Like, I'm instilling morals with her. I see her more than her daycare teacher sees her. I can raise her and she can still have fun at school. They're not mutually exclusive like things.”

daycare, stay-at-home moms, parentingChildren playing at a daycare.via Canva

The video's commenters were overwhelmingly on Veronica's side. The most popular comment was from a woman who mentioned that stay-at-home moms will eventually send their kids to school. "My question to all the moms that feel that way, are they planning to stop raising their kids when they start kindergarten? Like, do they think they’re just done when they start 5k?" Tayler asked.

Others shared some of the many benefits that come with going to daycare.

"It's really frustrating when people assume daycare is something negative. I often say that we WANT her in school, she's learning so much and has great social skills and independence,” Elmarie wrote. "I’m an early intervention service coordinator and kids speech and emotional skills usually improve so much when they start daycare and school,” Tay added.

Is daycare good for children?

What do the experts say? Regarding whether sending your kids to daycare is outsourcing parenting, the findings show that home life has a much more significant impact on a child’s development than daycare. “An over-arching finding in the literature is that daycare influences are less important than home influences, even for children who spend much time in daycare,” Noam Shpancer Ph.D. writes in Psychology Today.

On the negative side, research shows that the quality of the daycare is very important and that kids raised in low-quality establishments can have some behavioral problems later on. On the positive side, daycare benefits “cognitive development and school readiness” in children and especially helps low-income children from disadvantaged backgrounds.

Given the positive aspects of having children in daycare, it’s interesting that parents are still shamed for doing so. Parents like Veronica should be happy about their parenting decisions because there is little to suggest that sending their kids to one means they aren’t raising them. Ultimately, the most important thing is quality care; if a child is in good hands, it shouldn’t matter where they happen to be.

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Family

'Bachelor' alum's decision to hire a night nurse highlights the mixed messages new moms receive

Anyone who has given birth knows how difficult those first few months feel.

Photo by Jenna Norman on Unsplash

Hiring a night nurse brings out a mixed bag of opinions and advice.

"The Bachelor" alum Tia Booth is finding out firsthand how conflicting mom advice can be and she's calling it out. Booth gave birth in December of 2022 and revealed that she hired a night nurse so she and her fiancé Taylor Mock could get some sleep a few times a week. Sleep is essential to functioning properly as a human and as a parent.

Anyone who has given birth knows how difficult those first few months feel. You're essentially surviving some version of what is classified as a form of torture—sleep deprivation. New babies have weird, topsy-turvy, upside-down sleep cycles and new parents simply have to white-knuckle it until the little bundle is sleeping for several-hour stretches at a time.

The lack of sleep can not only make you delirious but can sometimes be dangerous when caring for a new baby. I remember being woken up in the middle of the night by a nurse while still in the hospital because in my sleep-deprived state I fell asleep while feeding my son. Thank goodness she walked in before one or both of us fell onto the floor from the rocking chair.

I should've informed the nurse that I was tired and allowed her to take my two-day-old baby to the nursery, but asking for help seemed taboo. In today's world, women are advocating for new moms to not only ask for help, but to seek it out—until they do, and suddenly the message changes...again.

Booth has taken to her Instagram stories to call out the mixed messaging given to new moms. In the now-expired stories, she responded to someone who wrote, "Not trying to be mean, but having a child is taking responsibility and bonding with your baby in the middle of the night when they wake. Not hiring someone to do it for you so you can 'sleep.'" Obviously, not all parents can afford a night nurse and Booth acknowledged that fact, but she was having none of the mom shaming that was taking place.

“Moms, who have once been first time moms, will say ‘do what’s best for you and your family’ then shame you & lose respect for you for needing help. We can only be praised when we’re exhausted & doing it all alone??? It’s insanity. OK I’m done,” Booth said in the story. And honestly, she has a point that isn't talked about much publicly.

People who became parents several years ago heard the old adage, "Sleep when baby sleeps," or simply the truth of, "It's hard for everyone," with no real direction on how to make it less hard. But with parents becoming more vocal about how difficult parenting can be and advocating to reach out for help, more new parents are following that advice—and yet, some people find fault in parents receiving the help they need.

A battle surrounding what kind of help someone receives seems to defeat the purpose of telling parents to reach out. Of course, given different financial circumstances, some parents' help may come in the form of a full-time nanny while other parents rely on a nearby relative or neighbor to grab a quick shower. But the level of help doesn't make someone more or less of a parent.

The new mom explained exactly why it was important to her to have the kind of help she does, and other parents in similar situations would likely want the same if it was within their budget. “I’m able to be a better mom during the day when I can THINK & know my baby was so loved on & taken care of the night before. I don’t have family here. Neither does Taylor. This is our help a few nights a week,” Booth wrote.

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Parenting

Mom reveals strangers' unsolicited parenting advice caused extreme anxiety

Other moms joined in by sharing their own stories.

Photo by Vitolda Klein on Unsplash

Mom reveals strangers' unsolicited parenting advice caused anxiety.

What is it about birthing a human that makes other people feel the need to offer you advice you didn't ask for? It's one thing to hear it from family members or friends, but some of the most condescending advice comes from strangers on the street or on the internet.

One mom's experience with unsolicited advice from strangers caused her to have extreme anxiety about leaving the house. In the video, TikTok creator Young Mi Mayer explains that the young mom in the video she stitched was being yelled at by a stranger for not having a jacket on her toddler.

She breaks down how babies and toddler are experts in communicating with their mom when they're uncomfortable, and says to her followers, "If you don't have kids you might not know this but like, children of that age, babies and toddlers are biologically built to express any level of discomfort and pain to their mother."

Mom shaming is not a new phenomenon. It's likely been happening since the second generation of parents existed thousands of years ago if we're being honest. But that doesn't change the intense pressure some moms feel to please everyone, including strangers on the street. Mayer explained that when her son, who is now 8 years old, was a toddler she would have a panic attack every time she left her apartment.

The panic came from trying to make sure she had every article of clothing correct for the weather to avoid strangers yelling at her. She even had someone demand that her baby wear sunglasses because the sun was bright. Obviously, yelling at strangers isn't OK but judging by the comments, it's a common experience for moms out with their children.

One commenter named Ki said, "My daughter is 28 and I still remember crying because of strangers scolding me at bus stops." Another mom, Andrea, wrote, "I was nursing my infant while on my cell phone & a woman came & lectured me about the 'cell phone radiation' & I started crying." It's safe to say no one should be yelled at in public by strangers and people should mind their own business so long as no one is in imminent danger.

See the full video below (contains some strong language):

@youngmimayer

#stitch with @kuuipodawn this isn’t about correcting moms it’s about the disproportionate anger people feel around mothers

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Popular

The story behind this viral photo shows why mom-shaming needs to stop

It was just one tiny fraction of a moment, captured in time. And it didn't look good.

Back in 2016, a man in a Colorado airport took a photo of a mom browsing her cellphone, her young infant squirming on a blanket on the ground in front of her. His original post (which has since been removed) was uploaded to Facebook with the caption: "Albert Einstein said, 'I fear the day that technology will take on our humanity ... the world will be populated by a generation of idiots.'"

Sure, absent any context, background, or explanation, the photo seemed to show a mom so uninterested in her child she'd rather check Facebook than pick her up off the floor.

But is that really what was happening?

Once the photo hit the internet, it went viral — and out came the pitchforks. The mom, Molly Lensing, was under attack.

Suddenly Lensing's parenting skills were being questioned by thousands of strangers online. She was labeled an "idiot" and a "terrible parent" by commenters. Her photo became the "parenting fail" of the week.

But in an interview with Today, Lensing says those people didn't know the whole story.

At the moment that the photo was taken, Lensing's flights had been delayed for almost an entire day — 20 hours, to be exact — due to a computer systems issue. Her infant daughter, Anastasia, "had been held or in her carrier for many hours," Lensing explained. "My arms were tired. She needed to stretch."

As for the cellphone? "I had to communicate with all the family members wondering where the heck we were," she said. Perfectly reasonable, right?

But here's the thing:

It shouldn't matter that Lensing had a "good explanation." Mom-shaming has got to stop.

The man who took Lensing's photo did not ask her permission, did not know her, and certainly had no idea what her day up until that moment was like. He had no way of knowing what she was doing on her phone. He had no idea that Lensing is actually a pediatric nurse.

Not all moms go viral and get flooded with thousands of hateful messages from around the world, but a recent study shows that over two-thirds of moms have been criticized to some degree for their parenting decisions.

Nearly everything seems to be fair game: formula instead of breastfeeding, breastfeeding in public, yelling or not yelling, letting kids watch videos on iPads, not doing enough to keep them occupied at restaurants. And, apparently, taking your eyes off your kid for a few minutes to send an important text message and to give them a bit of time to stretch out on the floor.

Sarah Clark, the co-director of the mom-shaming study (officially titled "Mom shaming or constructive criticism? Perspective of mothers"), suggested to Yahoo! that, while there are a few hard rights and wrongs in parenting ("don't let your kids eat razor blades," for example, is an obvious hard right), disagreements in the gray areas can cause some parents to doubt their decisions and lash out defensively.

Collectively, we've all got to do better.

"I know that I am the best momma to my girls, and I know that I cherish them and am raising them the best I can," Lensing said, now a year or so removed from her viral moment.

It's all any of us can do, so let's start cutting each other a little bit of slack.

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