upworthy

mom-shaming

via bfmamatalk / facebook
Mother unapologetically shares what it looks like to 'respectfully' breastfeed in public

Where did we go wrong as a society to make women feel uncomfortable about breastfeeding in public? No one should feel they have the right to tell a woman when, where, and how she can breastfeed. The stigma should be placed on those who have the nerve to tell a woman feeding her child to "Cover up" or to ask "Where's your modesty?"

It's particularly ironic given the immense pressure we put on mothers to breastfeed from the very moment they find out they're pregnant. Everyone's heard the expression that "Breast is best," which guilts moms who might not want or be able to breastfeed. But then, for the ones that do choose that road thinking they'll be appreciated for it, we police when, where, and how they're able to do so. We're cool with it, sort of, as long as it's done "tastefully." Even in situations where it's totally legal and acceptable to breastfeed in public, some people will judge whether she does so "respectfully." When, in reality, the only disrespect is coming from those who are being judgmental about how a woman feeds her child.


moms, mothers, motherhood, babies, breastfeeding, public breastfeeding, breastfeeding lawsThis really shouldn't make us uncomfortable, no matter how much skin is showing. Photo by Dave Clubb on Unsplash

One mom is going viral for taking a stand against the idea of "respectful" breastfeeding.

A mother on the Breastfeeding Mom Facebook page posted a powerful image of a woman breastfeeding that shows just what "respectful" breastfeeding looks like.

Spoiler alert: It's really indistinguishable from any other kind of breastfeeding. Here, see for yourself.




via bfmamatalk / Facebook

"Stop telling moms they need to be respectful when they breastfeed in public," the meme says. "When you can't even respect the fact that a baby has just as much of a right to eat in public as everyone else."

Breasts were made to feed babies. Yes, they also have a role in sexual arousal for both men and women, but there's still debate over whether breasts have been sexualized because of something inherent in our biology or because we've learned to sexualize them through media and culture. Some even argue that we find breasts attractive because they're a signal of a woman's fertility, which brings us right back to babies! Besides, anyone who has the maturity of a sixth grader knows the difference between a sexual act and feeding a child. It's pretty obvious, actually. If the woman is holding a child to her breast, she's not being sexual or indecent.

In fact, we should probably rethink whether the idea that a bare breast is indecent in the first place. Men can show off their nipples in public, why can't women? If anything, the societal expectation should be flipped. Providing necessary nourishment to your baby should be the thing that's completely normal.


zoolander, crazy pills, backwards thinking, society, breastfeeding, breastfeeding in public, motherhoodIt's completely backwards that male nipple is acceptable in public, but not a breastfeeding mother'sGiphy

The meme was accompanied by a fantastic explanation.

This is how a mother respectfully nurses a baby. With dignity and confidence.

The way someone chooses to nurse a child "doesn't define the amount of respect they have for themselves and doesn't define who they are. We are all human beings and somehow we are divided by something as natural as breastfeeding."

If you choose to cover up, that's awesome. If you don't, that's awesome too. The purpose of nursing isn't about who shows more boob or who doesn't. The purpose is to feed a child. And whether it's done covered, in a private place, or uncovered in the middle of a restaurant, does not define the amount of respect you have. The stigma needs to end. We are just trying to feed our babies.

Legally, mothers in all 50 states are allowed to breastfeed at any location public or private. Workplaces of more than 50 people are also required to provide a private space other than a bathroom for mom's to use for pumping or feeding. Breastfeeding in public can not be considered an act of public indecency or sexual conduct — most states explicitly state as much, and in the others, it's implied by granting mother's the right to legally breastfeed anywhere at any time.

But these legal protections don't stop the stares and the stigma. Advocacy groups continue to fight for laws that would punish bystanders from harassing breastfeeding moms. Sometimes, mothers have even had the police called on them! It's mind-boggling.

Let's stop litigating the amount of boob or nipple that's showing and equating that to "respect" or "decency." The decent thing to do is leave mothers alone and let them do what's necessary.

This article originally appeared six years ago.

via Alexabii97/TikTok and Bmchper/TikTok

Bailey defends Alexandria's breakfast.

Alexandra Sabol is a writer and a mother of 3 in North Carolina who makes TikToks centered around cooking and raising her family. Many of her videos feature her giving a deadpan look while preparing meals that look a lot like those cooked in everyday American homes. But, sadly, the food just isn't good enough for some self-righteous moms on TikTok.

(And that could be the exact reason why Alexandra is posting videos.)

In a video with over 3.3 million views, Alexandra filmed herself preparing a meal for her 1-year-old daughter that included 3 powdered donuts and an applesauce pouch. The video received a lot of negative feedback from other parents who shamed her for feeding her 1-year-old donuts as well as her appearance.


"Healthy and nutritious! Just like mom," one user wrote. "No toast? No cereal? No fruit? Surely one of those options is better than those powdered donuts," Miss Cheetah added. "Fruit would be just as cheap, maybe a dollar or 2 more expensive, but worth it for your child," Aiden Stanley added.

Breakfast! 

@alexbabii97

Breakfast! #platebreakfastwithme #breakfast #fyp #foryoupage #foryou #fypシ #fypシ゚viral

The mom- and-fat-shaming inspired other mothers to jump in and defend Alexandria. They shared how they also feed their kid the occasional donut and what’s most important is if the child is eating well and loved. The post also inspired a thoughtful TikTok of support from Bailey, a formerly sanctimonious mother, who defended Alexandra’s choices and admonished those who judged her.

She also pointed out the uncomfortable fact that women who don’t meet traditional beauty standards are likelier to be shamed online.

“I see creators on this app every single day who have a million or so followers and fit the traditional standard of beauty. They will make their kids junk. They will go spend $500-plus at the grocery store on mostly junk and no one says anything probably because they're popular and they're skinny,” Bailey said.

Let’s talk about the “donut mom.” 

@bmcpher

Let’s talk about the “donut mom.” #fyp #donutmom #momsoftiktok #parenting

“You have this woman that is not a widely known creator, is not a hundred pounds, and she's getting shamed on a large scale getting shamed. I am just so terribly sorry for her," she continued.

She added that she knows she shouldn't feed her children processed foods, but it's impossible to be perfect.

“I'm that mom, and yet, sometimes you know what [my daughter] eats? Cake pops, donuts, french fries, cookies because she deserves to live a little bit because sometimes, while it's not the best, sometimes, moms, we're not at our best. Sometimes, we lack a little bit,” she said.

Bailey then pointed out that the reactions to Alexandra’s video have more to do with the commenters' lives than the mom they are shaming. She admitted that she understands how the commenters feel because she used to be that way before she was changed through her faith.

"I used to be one of those moms, in another life—pre-Jesus me—that would see that video and judge this mom," she said. "I was unhappy in my life. I was unhappy living the life that I was living. In my marriage, in my home, in my parenting, I was not happy. So I had to use the few things that I did right to judge other moms."

Mario Mirante criticizes a mom he saw at the park.

TikTokker Mario Mirante is going viral for his video that brings up two significant issues: smartphone addiction and whether people without children have the right to criticize parents.

It all started when Mirante saw a young boy playing alone in the park.

“The kid is just playing quietly, not being annoying. I don’t hear a peep from him; he's just doing his thing on the playground,” Mirante said in a video that has nearly 6000,000 views. “The mom the entire time is on her phone, staring right down at her screen. Doesn’t look up one time.”

The boy climbed up to the top of the slide and called down to his mother, who didn’t even look up from her phone. “I hear, ‘Hey mom, watch. Watch, Mom,’” Mirante recalled. “And at the top of her lungs, shrieking like a Velociraptor, this mother screams, ‘One second!”


The mother’s shriek was so intense that it shocked Mirante and the boy.

@mariomirante

Please watch the whole video before you comment. Thanks

“He wasn’t doing anything wrong,” Mirante said. “Mom never looks up from the screen as the kid goes down (the slide).” After witnessing the parent with her face in her phone, ignoring her child, Mirante decided to call out parents who make their children feel as if they are less important than their parents’ phones.

“Are you guys that attached to your phones?” Mirantes demanded. "All that I was simply trying to say was that I see that happen all too often. And then I see parents complaining about how exhausting it is and how society and social media is ruining their children. Meanwhile, they can't look up from their phones. Can’t give ‘em the time of day.”

Many people thought Mirante didn’t have the right to criticize the mother because he doesn’t have children. "I thought the same way as you. And then I became a parent. Until you become a parent, you do not understand the struggle," Sophia wrote.

While others thought that his criticisms of the mother were warranted.

"I am a single mom, I 100% agree with you. Kids remember who is actually PRESENT with them, not glued to their phone, the TV etc etc," i.am.kristen wrote. “Sometimes it takes two seconds to make a child feel seen and heard, I could've used that in my childhood. love this," Dez addded.

Mirante pushed back against those who said he doesn’t have the right to judge by noting that he’s been a child. “I am an adult that went through a childhood,” he said. "If you want to justify screaming at your kid for no reason when they're not doing anything wrong and how your phone is more important than the attention from your child, go right ahead. I'm all ears."

There’s no hard-set rule on whether people without children have the right to criticize parents, but Mirante was right to point out a big problem in today’s world: parents who spend too much time on their smartphones.

Even if a parent isn’t a full-blown social media addict, spending too much time on our phones can hurt a child’s development. “Often, the effect of looking down at a screen can eliminate the opportunity and space kids need to say what’s on their mind,” warns Jeanne Williams, a child psychologist and play therapist, told Today's Parent. “When a kid is distressed, and you completely ignore them, their distress is going to grow. They won’t build neural pathways that teach them how to soothe themselves.”

We’ll never know the entire situation that happened that day at the park and whether the mother normally pays attention to her son. But Mirante’s video brings up a much-needed conversation about the amount of time we spend staring at our phones when we could be engaging with those we love.

Family

'Bachelor' alum's decision to hire a night nurse highlights the mixed messages new moms receive

Anyone who has given birth knows how difficult those first few months feel.

Photo by Jenna Norman on Unsplash

Hiring a night nurse brings out a mixed bag of opinions and advice.

"The Bachelor" alum Tia Booth is finding out firsthand how conflicting mom advice can be and she's calling it out. Booth gave birth in December of 2022 and revealed that she hired a night nurse so she and her fiancé Taylor Mock could get some sleep a few times a week. Sleep is essential to functioning properly as a human and as a parent.

Anyone who has given birth knows how difficult those first few months feel. You're essentially surviving some version of what is classified as a form of torture—sleep deprivation. New babies have weird, topsy-turvy, upside-down sleep cycles and new parents simply have to white-knuckle it until the little bundle is sleeping for several-hour stretches at a time.

The lack of sleep can not only make you delirious but can sometimes be dangerous when caring for a new baby. I remember being woken up in the middle of the night by a nurse while still in the hospital because in my sleep-deprived state I fell asleep while feeding my son. Thank goodness she walked in before one or both of us fell onto the floor from the rocking chair.

I should've informed the nurse that I was tired and allowed her to take my two-day-old baby to the nursery, but asking for help seemed taboo. In today's world, women are advocating for new moms to not only ask for help, but to seek it out—until they do, and suddenly the message changes...again.


Booth has taken to her Instagram stories to call out the mixed messaging given to new moms. In the now-expired stories, she responded to someone who wrote, "Not trying to be mean, but having a child is taking responsibility and bonding with your baby in the middle of the night when they wake. Not hiring someone to do it for you so you can 'sleep.'" Obviously, not all parents can afford a night nurse and Booth acknowledged that fact, but she was having none of the mom shaming that was taking place.

“Moms, who have once been first time moms, will say ‘do what’s best for you and your family’ then shame you & lose respect for you for needing help. We can only be praised when we’re exhausted & doing it all alone??? It’s insanity. OK I’m done,” Booth said in the story. And honestly, she has a point that isn't talked about much publicly.

People who became parents several years ago heard the old adage, "Sleep when baby sleeps," or simply the truth of, "It's hard for everyone," with no real direction on how to make it less hard. But with parents becoming more vocal about how difficult parenting can be and advocating to reach out for help, more new parents are following that advice—and yet, some people find fault in parents receiving the help they need.

A battle surrounding what kind of help someone receives seems to defeat the purpose of telling parents to reach out. Of course, given different financial circumstances, some parents' help may come in the form of a full-time nanny while other parents rely on a nearby relative or neighbor to grab a quick shower. But the level of help doesn't make someone more or less of a parent.

The new mom explained exactly why it was important to her to have the kind of help she does, and other parents in similar situations would likely want the same if it was within their budget. “I’m able to be a better mom during the day when I can THINK & know my baby was so loved on & taken care of the night before. I don’t have family here. Neither does Taylor. This is our help a few nights a week,” Booth wrote.